Chapter 18

Lindsay tried to deny how screwed she was in calculus right up until she went into her exam on Monday morning. I'm the best Mathlete McKinley has ever had, she said to herself in a mini-pep talk as she prepared to take her seat. I'll use common sense and I'll BS my way through the rest. That'll get me at least a C.

It wasn't until she actually sat down with her exam, the small classroom silent except for the ticking of the wall clock behind her, that the panic began to set in.

I have no idea how to do these problems, she thought.

By the time Lindsay approached the front of the room to turn in her test, her eyes were brimming with tears and her mind was all over the place. She did know one thing, however: without a doubt, with absolute, 100% certainty, she failed.

And strangely, it was something as arbitrary as failing her calculus exam that made Lindsay realize exactly how far out of control things had spiraled. She had been too busy lying and manipulating in her relationships to study. This was her comeuppance. Lindsay she was disgusted with herself- aside from working a menial job, this class was what she was supposed to be doing all summer. And she couldn't manage to consistently get passing grades? But more importantly, being deceptive was just so draining. Obviously, it was taking its toll.

By the time Lindsay had walked out of the classroom, however, she was already devising a plan. Her course wasn't over. The final was cumulative, worth twice the number of points of a regular exam, and was scheduled for next Thursday afternoon. She needed to put significantly more time into calculus in the next 10 days than she had in the last few weeks. And in order to accomplish this, Lindsay needed to step back from the guys. The frequency of their dates had ticked up recently, but seeing them more certainly didn't make the decision easier for Lindsay and only seemed to be causing more problems. Pulling back wouldn't solve things- but at the very least she could try to slow the bleeding while she figured out what she really wanted. The less she spoke to them, the fewer opportunities there would be to lie to them.

Without even consciously thinking about it, Lindsay ended up at the pay phone that she used to call the guys a couple of weeks ago when she lost her phone "privileges". Her mom wasn't due to pick her up for another twenty minutes- Lindsay had done so poorly on her test she didn't even feel that utilizing the rest of class time would have helped her. She had decided on her little walk to the phone that just couldn't see Nick or Barry again until after her final was over. It was as simple as that. And in the meantime maybe she would gain some idea of who she wanted to be with. Not to mention a better math grade.

Of course, following through would be the more difficult part.

Lindsay inserted her dime into the slot and dialed Nick's number before she could chicken out. He answered on the third ring.

"Hey Nick, how's it going?" she asked him.

"Great, I work in a couple of hours, but I'm just relaxing now," he replied. "How are you? It's cool that you could call me in the middle of the day."

He was seemingly oblivious to her conundrum- she could only call him at this time of day if she had skipped out of class, which because of its small size would be quite noticeable, so something was likely very wrong.

"Actually, not so well, Nick," she told him. "I'm only able to call you because I left calculus early. I just failed my test."

"Oh, I'm so sorry," Nick told her. "Damn, that really sucks. Calculus sucks. I mean, I guess it does, I don't understand anything about-"

"Nick, I'm not going to be able to see you for a while," Lindsay broke in, interrupting him. She just couldn't wait any longer to break the news. "I need to study for my final next week, and I'm going to have to ace it to even have a shot at a decent grade. I'm so sorry." She really was. She'd had a really good time with Nick over the course of their last few dates. The next week and a half was going to be hard.

"Oh," he said, clearly disappointed. But understanding as he always is, he quickly added, "It's okay. You need to do well on your final, Lindsay. I don't want to get in the way of that. When is it?"

"Thursday afternoon," she replied. "The last day of class next week."

"Thursday afternoon," he repeated. "Well, how about I take you out that night? We can celebrate that your course is over and that you just brought your grade back up to an A."

Lindsay appreciated his effort to cheer her up, but she had a feeling that it would be impossible for them to celebrate her getting an A because it was mathematically impossible for her to get an A. She wasn't sure if she would even feel like celebrating after her course was over. Still, it was a nice gesture.

"That sounds great," she replied with a little grin. "Thursday night- usual time."

They said their goodbyes and got off the phone. Plenty of time left before her mother was supposed to arrive, after a minute Lindsay picked up the phone again and dialed Barry's number. She wasn't sure if he'd be home at this time of day with his landscaping job, but she really wanted to deliver this kind of news in real time.

But the phone rang, and rang, and rang. No one was there.

So Lindsay wandered around outside until her mom arrived and tried to shrug her shoulders and fake smile as best she could when her mom asked her if her exam went all right. Lindsay spent the next several hours in a daze at work (being a Monday it was slow, so thankfully she finished early), but when she got home she went in her room and shut the door. She sat down and penned a note that she planned to immediately give to Sam (to give to Neal to give to Barry).

Hi Barry-

I'm so sorry to have to write this to you (I tried calling earlier but no one was there), but I failed my calculus test today. My final is next Thursday and I'm going to have to study really hard just to get a decent grade, so I'm afraid I'm not going to be able to see or talk to you for a little while- at least until my course is over. I'm sorry.

Lindsay

Lindsay hesitated, then added the following postscript:

I know you're leaving for school in a couple of weeks, and I would really like to know what you're thinking about you and me before you leave. I'll be thinking about it too during this time I won't get to see you.

She wasn't sure if this was something she should write- but she did think about it. For some reason, this talk with Barry felt like it was going to be some sort of critical juncture- either Barry will want to try to continue to see her, or he won't. If he doesn't, then there aren't any other choices that Lindsay will have left to make- it will all be up to Nick after that. But if he does, then she'll have this whole other thing to decide. While Lindsay subconsciously realized that just because Barry might choose to date her after he leaves for school doesn't mean that she has to choose to date him, at the same time Lindsay realized that what Barry has to say and how he says it could end up ultimately having an effect on what she decides. Even if Lindsay was confident with her decision, would she be able to stick to her guns after Barry comes clean, tells her what he wants? Lindsay wasn't sure.

She double-taped her note shut, so that it would be obvious to Barry if anyone had tried to unfold or read it, before knocking on Sam's door to give it to him.

A couple of days later, Sam grudgingly handed her a taped, folded-up piece of paper in return. Anxious to read it alone, Lindsay dashed to her room before unfastening and unfolding the note carefully. It read:

Dear Lindsay,

I'm so sorry to hear that you're having some problems with calculus. I wish I could tell you that you'll never need it again, but unfortunately for anyone who is majoring in any type of science in college (or for anyone who is, say, undecided about their major and may want to major in science and has an really anal advisor with thinning hair and ugly glasses that strongly encouraged them to take all the science prerequisites anyway), you probably will need to take it again.

Fortunately, I took the course and did well, and I would be happy to help you study anytime. Just give me the word, and I'll be there, book in hand, willing to do whatever you ask (this applies to non-calculus requests as well, of course, though sans book).

Nonetheless, I am guessing that the reason you failed to do as well as you wanted to on your exam was not due to your inability to learn calculus (I'm basing this on your previous Mathletics) but due to the fact that I have distracted you from your studies. That being said, I completely understand your request and definitely want to give you your space so that you can earn the final grade that you seek.

If I don't hear from you before then, I hope that I can take you out when your course is finished. I'm so glad you wrote your P.S. While I had been so enjoying living in the moment-to-moment excitement of dating you and hadn't thought that far ahead, I think that for the next little while I'll be forced to think of what my life would be like in school without you. I promise that before I leave I will have thought this all through; though I also know that in all likelihood you're going to be the one that needs to make a decision, not me. And do you know how I know? Because you're beautiful, brilliant, funny, and sweet, and I'm Neal's dorky older brother. I'd be an idiot not to try and hold onto you for as long as I can.

Did I mention I can't wait to see you?

Barry

Lindsay smiled, but it hurt a little inside. This. This was why she was having such a difficult time making a decision. Every time she got a little closer, something like this would happen that would make the pendulum swing just enough the other way. Though more girls probably would have melted at the last paragraph of the letter, Lindsay kept rereading the first part- not only did it make her laugh, but Barry just understood. That was the simplest way to put it. He understood how much this stupid course meant to her, that she was more than capable of learning the material but had been entirely too preoccupied with seeing him, the math principles themselves- he even offered to help her study. Nick, bless his heart, was as supportive as Lindsay could ask him to be, but he just didn't get it. And sometimes she just didn't want to have to explain it to him.

Lindsay had a lot to think about- with both the math and the guys. This was going to be a long eight days.