A/N MrsChilton; I cannot tell you how glad I was to see your review, and that was even before I read it...I was terrified nobody would understand me torturing them...She really thought she was ready, she thought she'd won...I don't know if maybe she was rushing things, if she was more lead by her body and less by her mind, if maybe she was letting things fly out of control or if she was completely in control, but there never is a 'right time'...it just doesn't exist, there's always going to be unknowns, there's always going to be tiny doubts, there's always going to what -ifs...she is devastated...but maybe she can see how far she has come, as you say, and maybe she can keep trying...with a little help...

Guest; Thank you so much for your words they mean so very much to me.

AngstyAlice; thank you for you follow.

"Bridge over troubled water" by Paul Simon, sung by Simon and Garfunkel...come on do I need to say any more?

As the door closes I can hear her start to sob bitterly...

I barely make it two steps before I slide down the wall, surrendering myself to the emotions coursing through me, my face drops into my hands as hot tears slip down my cheeks. I cry in a way I haven't cried since...maybe, childhood. Even the solitary, unrestrained, grief at my Abuela's passing wasn't like this.

My emotions are too raw to even begin to sort through...

The only thing I can feel clearly enough to put a name on, is helplessness...I feel helpless... I want to do something, anything, to help her, to comfort her, to take some of her pain away...but there's nothing for me to do, nothing I can do...

I feel more helpless than I have ever felt.

Except I have felt this before,... when I first heard that Lewis had her, that he'd had her for two days already...I felt this helplessness... I wanted more than anything to turn back the clock, to undo my failure, to have defied all logic to somehow hold him in custody, I wanted to do something, anything...and as the minutes, the hours turned into more days, I thought that the pain would kill me, kill us all...there was nothing to do...every lead was cold, all that was left for us were a trail of bodies, and one horrifically abused, but still breathing woman. I'm not sure I could refer to her as being alive, after the details I saw typed up neatly in carefully stated files, she just wasn't dead.

As we started to put the pieces together from Mrs. Mayer's early, semi-conscious, statement to Amanda in the back of the ambulance taking her away from her place of torture, her home, I could see the faces of her squad, of Fin, Amanda, Amaro, Munch and even Cragen, wondering if Liv's survival was even, what we should be hoping for?

We all wanted her back, no matter what, but at some point, the thought flickered briefly across everyone's face, what state would she be in? Would it be better for her, regardless of the suffering it would cause us, if we don't find a breathing, but still gone Olivia? The woman that came back to us wasn't the same, but I thank whatever deity finally answered my prayers that she came back. She is changed but also, somehow no less than she was.

Did I feel this way about her, even back then? Who am I kidding, I've always felt this for her, since the first day we worked together, and I saw some of the woman behind the beautiful face...

The sobs I hear now are my fault...I caused them, no one else...and the guilt is tearing me apart.

'When you're weary, feeling small

When tears are in your eyes, I'll dry them all'

The helplessness is slowly consuming me.

Reminding me again, of the only other time I have felt it, when she went to him, to try and save Amelia Cole...I wasn't there, I didn't have to listen to him taunt the squad and torture her. I didn't have to listen to her come face to face with death every time she was forced to make a no-win decision, each time she had to pull the trigger not knowing if it would end her life.

But this time, it's not just that there's nothing I can do, it's my fault...

I know it wasn't me she was flinching away from, in terror, it wasn't my body that terrified her so much that her body tensed, almost to the point of pain. It wasn't my body that caused her to squeeze her eyes shut and tears to flood down her face, but it was my body that reminded her...

'I'm on your side, oh, when times get rough

And friends just can't be found

Like a bridge over troubled water

I will lay me down'

I shouldn't have let things go so far...I knew things were moving too fast...

Who the hell do you think are you Rafael?

You didn't let anything happen! She is a full grown adult and she was in control, you gave her plenty of opportunities to stop, you asked for permission at every possible juncture...

But I couldn't protect her...from Lewis or from me.

From me...the tears come even harder at this realization...

Stop it!

This isn't helping. This isn't a blame game...

And the only person to blame here is Lewis or Harris for what they did.

I want to protect her...I want to hold her in my arms, I want to fix it...I want to take away this pain... but I can't...

When did I become so controlling...?

This isn't about me, she doesn't want me to control things, to fix things, because this can't be controlled or fixed and for all my wisdom, saying I knew things were going to fast, I thought that, at all the other points at which she chose to progress things, and she was right every time and I wasn't...

Am I so desperate to protect her that no matter how much I want her, how much I want to help her heal, that I'm willing to throw it all away just to make sure she's never hurt again? I do see her as a sexy woman, I don't just want to protect her, I want to be with her, I want to show her pleasure, I want to share in that pleasure...but I don't want her to hurt anymore either...

That's not love though, that's control, even if it is in an attempt to protect her, it's controlling, ...I promised to allow her to guide our physical relationship, but by not following her lead, by second guessing her constantly, I'm still trying to control her...I don't want that, I want to love her...I do love her...I love her...

The confusion now swirling inside me is immense...I really do love her...but I don't know what to do to help her...I don't know what to say in... 47 minutes, when the hour is up and I can finally check on her...

I debate calling Fin, but I know he won't know what to do in this situation, any more than I do...he can supportively tell me it's not my fault this happened, and calm me down, but he can't actually guide me...

The only person who could maybe guide me is Amanda...so yeah at what, 11pm on a Saturday I ring her; "Hey Amanda, hope I'm not disturbing your evening,... Yeah, this is Rafael Barba,... No, I've never called you before, outside of work,... but I was just wondering, I was nearly having sex with your boss, and she has kindda freaked out because I jumped on top of her shoving my erection at her... I still had my pants on, but she clearly thought I was Harris or Lewis...so what should I say or do?"

Yeah...as if?

I'm sure if I did call her she would try to help, but what if Liv heard me, what would she think? Never mind the embarrassment for me, and the huge doubt that I could even, find the words to explain, how would she feel?

Get it together Rafael...

This is not a big deal, you have to make sure she knows it's not a big deal...

Except it is...not for the obvious reasons, I don't care about all of that, but she was starting to feel like...I don't know...I don't know how things changed, I just know that they did...I could see it in her, feel it in her...that confidence, that self awareness that has always been missing in her outside of work, but is such an integral part of her personality, was starting to show through...it was like some of the... fear...was receding. It felt like I was seeing the real Liv,...one not...changed... by circumstance...

God she was hot...she is a sexy woman, always is,...but when I started to see her flirting outrageously, so openly,...it felt like some of the walls were tumbling... and when I saw her feel comfortable in her body, it was like she could see herself as a sexual being, like she wasn't denying that part of her anymore...

Fuck!

Could I have done something to avoid this? Maybe,... but not without also stifling her progress and her character...but would that have been better than this?

She looked...devastated...

What good is holding her hand and making her tea now?

Fuck the stupid books! How about they give me some useful advice?

Yeah and how would that go Rafael?

Well it definitely wouldn't hurt to know what to say, or do, now?

30 minutes...

We tried to plan for this, how woefully inadequate that was...but isn't that the point, you can't plan for this...maybe, all you can do is know what not to do...and maybe that worked...?

Maybe she would have asked me to leave if we hadn't talked about it...? But knowing that maybe, when I get back into her, she might want me to hold her hand...isn't a huge help.

She knew not to ask me to leave the apartment and I knew to give her space when she asked...I knew not to jump up and redress completely and she knew not to run away... It seems ridiculous as we both sit crying on different sides of the same door, but maybe we didn't handle this so badly?

I could almost feel her fear...it was so intense it was almost, tangible...it's possible she doesn't know what to do either?...actually it's probable that she doesn't...

She clearly felt comfortable, in control...and she has shown that she is aware of where her limits are...

So was this maybe not overstepping a limit? Was this a memory that found its way unexpectedly, into her head? From what I've read, that can happen, it does happen...it makes sense... maybe the last time she lay on a bed like that with a man...

I run for the sink as my stomach demands to surrender its contents...

Conjured images of the beach house play through my head unsolicited...pictures unwelcomingly painted from her statements...she was tied down on a bed...what was I thinking?

I wasn't thinking...I was too busy enjoying myself...

This is what Fin meant, when he said we would have to discuss sex and intimacy in more depth than I could ever imagine...I thought a few stupid sentences would do it? How stupid was I?

We need to talk about positions...not just for sex...but for any kind of intimacy...how could me lurching over her recumbent form, not be a bad position to be in? What memories has she got, of bodies in a comparable arrangement?

I try not to allow images of similarly, horrific, potential positions to fill my mind.

We need to talk about so much...I told her I want her to show me how she likes to be touched, but how many seemingly innocuous touches are forever tainted for her? Does she even really know what feels pleasurable to her, anymore? Has she truly felt pleasure since...?

How many words, bring forward memories of hideous pain and threats? What words are uncomfortable for her? I've tried to be careful with what words I use but I just can't guess...we need to talk.

But how do we talk about it, without me forcing her to relive things she doesn't want to allow into her head? How do I ask her about words, without forcing her to tell me what she doesn't want to?

My head hangs hopelessly over the sink, trying to still my retching stomach, as my tears drip into it with a regular soft tap...

I splash cold water on my face, letting it drip carelessly down my naked torso.

15 minutes...

The clock now gives me purpose, as I dry my face on a couple of napkins. I fill the kettle and set it on the hob to boil. As pointless as it may seem now, I promised to make her tea and hold her hand; that I can do...

'When you're down and out

When you're on the street

When evening falls so hard

I will comfort you

I'll take your part, oh, when darkness comes

And pain is all around

Like a bridge over troubled water

I will lay me down'

I quickly throw on a t-shirt from my bag, suddenly aware that my bare skin is probably not a wise choice at this moment. I'm aware she is an adult and this may seem silly considering how, not an hour ago, she lay in my arms in only a pair of panties, as I took her nipples into my mouth...

I cannot help but remember how beautiful that sight was...she is gorgeous...and unbelievably sexy...not just her body, her confidence, that voice...and for a moment I can begin to understand how she feels that re-finding her sexuality rebuilds a little more of the person she once was...before...

As a moment of clarity peeks through the haze, I realize she may feel devastated, but she has made so many huge steps forward... I may want to fix everything for her but I can't and she wouldn't want me to, this has to be her victory...I can help where I can, but when she achieves her goal she needs to own it...

We need to talk...there is so much we need to discuss...not just about sex...but it is a part of it...but now may not be the time, I'll have to let her decide that...

I need to find a way to tell her all of this...to explain that as resistant as I was to leaving her alone, maybe it was better to allow ourselves a little time to react, to think...I dread to think what may have come out of my mouth if we had attempted to talk immediately while the emotional maelstrom was at its height for both of us...the panic and guilt and upset would doubtlessly have influenced my tongue negatively...

I'd be lying if I tried to say that I don't feel guilty, because I do...now, it's just a softer, and better-understood guilt... I would be doing her a huge disservice were I to try and protect her from incidents like this, because it would mean that I would also be protecting her from the opportunity to heal, and denying us both the experiences we desire. We need to talk...we need to be honest...we need to be so much more explicit in our plans...but we need to trust each other...this, unfortunately, could happen again...this can't be allowed to stop us, we have to be willing to fail a little to succeed...

I'm the type of person who doesn't function well without a plan of some kind, and now that I feel I have one, I'm aware that all of this might be better dealt with in a few hours or tomorrow. For now maybe she just needs to cry, to grieve for what she has lost, to feel the pain...

'Sail on silver girl

Sail on by

Your time has come to shine

All your dreams are on their way

See how they shine

Oh, if you need a friend

I'm sailing right behind

Like a bridge over troubled water

I will ease your mind'

For now, I'll be happy to just see her, to check she is ok, to give her some tea and hold her hand...

'Like a bridge over troubled water

I will lay me down'