A/N Guest; thank you so much for your kind review, you have to get some sort of speedy reader award for how quick you read and reviewed, it means so much...the first hour or so after I post a new chapter is spent panicking and doubting myself...so thank you
FicFriend; Thanks a lot. I LOVE the Simon and Garfunkel song, it's meant a lot since I was a kid...it's one of those songs that I grew up with and it seemed to grow with me. I travel a lot and sometimes music can encapsulate a whole era of my life...my music library is crazily diverse in types and languages. I was worried about using foreign language songs in an English story because translation is sometimes difficult, a song isn't always about direct translation of each word, its about a sense, a feeling, but it's quite open to interpretation...yeah I couldn't not write Rafael's POV, and I do think it was needed, thank you for confirming it for me. Yeah they're definitely in this together, her pain is also his pain...he's trying to walk a very fine line...it's not easy. I have tried to research his position, but there is surprisingly little material that I have found...how can that be?
PiperKitty86; thank you so much for the favourite for the story and for me, I can't hope to explain what it means.
"Chasing cars" by Snow Patrol, felt like it said so much about this for me...
I want him to come back in here and wrap his arms around me, for him to hold me and tell me it doesn't matter...that it doesn't change anything...that our all our hard won progress hasn't just been wiped away in a few seconds. But I also want to sit here in my own cocoon, to not have to look at him, to not have to remember what has just happened, to not have to pretend to be ok for him. I want to shout at him, to tell him to leave. I need to find an outlet for the emotions that are slowly pulling at my hope, my optimism that I can ever be whole again, grabbing and grasping at it, trying to grip it well enough to pull it entirely down into the blackness, where it will never be able to find it's way out again.
I want to get all of this out of me...it's suffocating me...
Why did I say an hour? Why not three hours? Where did an hour come from? One lonely hour is nowhere near enough time to process this...
One hour isn't even enough time to be able to stop the tears.
He's going to come back in here any minute now, and want to talk...how am I going to reassure him?
How am I going to explain to him that while it was his body, his touch, I was pulling away from, it wasn't his body, or his touch I was seeing or feeling? How can I explain to him that I can't tell the difference between him touching me pleasurably, and Lewis lying on top of me, threatening me with more pain and death? How is that going to make him feel?
I saw the terror, the agony, the panic, the guilt, all layered across his face as he reluctantly left me...He is never going to want to risk putting himself through that again...and I don't blame him...
Shit. This is why you don't ever mix work with personal...
We're going to have to continue to work together when this is all said and done... At least, the only people who knew about us were Fin and Amanda. They won't say anything, but also won't allow him to treat me badly at work, although he wouldn't behave like that... I wish I could take back the admissions I made so recently, that there was anything between us. I'm so glad that I didn't get any further into a relationship, that we didn't disclose anything to the DA, IAB or 1PP...I don't think I could have survived that level of embarrassment.
I can at least try to maintain what little dignity I have left, and finish things like an adult...
I can hear his approaching footsteps even before the gentle knock on the bedroom door.
"Yeah..." I have no idea what else to say...
He opens the door gingerly, immediately looking to me, but trying not to be too obvious as he tries to evaluate my current state.
I haven't moved in the time he has been gone, I'm still in just his shirt and my underwear, with the bedclothes pulled tightly up to my chin. Why didn't I think to pull on some yoga pants, a bra and t-shirt? To at least attempt to sell my pretense at being ok...
To distract me from how awfully broken I know I must look, I look more carefully at him; he is still in the same jeans, he has thrown on a t-shirt, but his feet are still bare...maybe he doesn't plan on leaving immediately? Of course not, he's nothing if not a gentleman, he won't leave until he is assured I'm fine. He has clearly been crying, his eyes are red and slightly swollen, there are no tear tracks but he has probably splashed water on his face. His face is pale, and he looks vaguely ill...
He silently makes his way across the room and pulls the chair over beside the bed, gently lowering himself into it as he places a mug of tea on the bedside table for me.
He says nothing as he reaches his hand out to me...almost instinctively I meet his outstretched hand, lightly resting mine into it. He looks into my eyes, as his hand moves slowly down my fingers, spreading them gently and interlacing both sets together, his thumb slowly stroking between my thumb and forefinger.
His other hand reaches up to cup my cheek tenderly, his thumb delicately stroking, wiping away, the tears still falling down the sides of my face.
He tries to speak but nothing comes out, he licks his lips and clears his throat softly, the voice that comes out is fragile, fearful and faint, "Liv, I'm so sorry...would it be ok if I held you?"
I want to feel the safety of his embrace but I won't make him stay any longer, by making him think I need him so I just look at him unmoving...
He seems to take my lack of answer, to not be a rejection, and carefully moves onto the edge of the bed, squeezing the fingers interwoven with his, as his second arm tightly pulls me to his chest.
I let my arm hang limply alongside my body, making no attempt to actively participate in the embrace.
"I'm fine Rafael, you can go..." I say, as evenly, as possible.
I feel rather than hear the relieved sigh that escapes him.
I start to pull away from him, resting my body back against the pillows as I try to pull my hand away, he squeezes tighter, refusing to let it go.
"Liv, you have to start believing me when I say I'm not going anywhere..."
His words seem to replenish his confidence somewhat, as he leans back against the pillows alongside my body. He is balanced awkwardly, very much on the edge of the bed, and I recognize he can't be very comfortable and unthinkingly, I move over a little to give him more space. He smiles softly at my small sideways shuffle, as his arm slides over the headboard, loosely resting across my back as his head leans over onto my shoulder. He lifts our interlocked hands to rest above his heart.
"I don't know what to say Liv...I know you are upset, I know you probably don't want to talk now?..." he has placed a question in his statement to allow me to to contradict him should I want to, but he is right, the last thing I want to do now is to analyze what happened. After leaving a quick beat, he continues, "I'm not upset, or mad, or any of the other things you are afraid I am. We knew this would probably happen... I'm not going anywhere and I'm here whenever you are ready to talk...". He lifts our hands, turning mine up so he can kiss it delicately.
'We'll do it all
Everything
On our own
We don't need
Anything
Or anyone'
For a while we sit there like that, in silence with candles dancing gracefully. They cast ever-changing patterns of light and shadow around the otherwise dark room. The silence is laden with emotion, but is far from uncomfortable.
The small candles start to flicker, and sputter, as they burn out, I can't help but enjoy watching them struggle to stay alight. Their light is as fragile as my hope. The vanilla scented candle is barely begun though, and continues to infuse the room with a delicious aroma.
As the first candle finally loses its battle, and its flame fades into extinction, temporarily leaving a glowing orange wick behind, until it, too, dies, I can't help the mangled Dylan Thomas quote that comes to mind, "Rage, rage against the dying of the light...Do not go gentle into that good night.". It's something that always comes to mind as I watch a candle burn out, it's stark, beauty making it one of very few lines of poetry to ever make their home in my head, but today it feels like it was said for me alone. I can't but compare my attempt at a relationship with the man beside me, to the sputtering, dying candles around me...
I try to be brave, using my legs pull my body down the bed until I'm lying, turning my body to him. I softly pull on our intertwined hands, and he slowly slides down beside me, turning his body to face mine. He softly grasps my second hand to him, allowing me to speak when I am ready...
"Why didn't you leave?" I ask in a whisper...
"You know how I feel about you Liv, something like this, is never going to change how I feel..."
The way I have placed us, I can see he is not hiding from me, he means what he is saying. We just look into each other's eyes for a few minutes...
'If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me
And just forget the world?'
"How do you feel about...what happened...?
I realize belatedly what he thought I was asking and can't help a small smile as I pull a hand free to gently stroke his cheek.
He is clearly relieved to not have to answer the question he thought was coming, but his relief is short-lived as he recognizes the question that is before him.
'I don't quite know
How to say
How I feel
Those three words
Are said too much
They're not enough
If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me
And just forget the world?'
He takes a deep breath..."I suppose at first I was shocked, I didn't know what..." he looks at me briefly before he casts his eyes down, "...I didn't know what I had done to scare you...I felt guilty that I didn't notice immediately...I was heartbroken for you...I knew how hurt, how upset you would be...I didn't want to leave you, I could see how scared, how distraught you were and I felt helpless...when I went outside, so many emotions just hit me so hard, at once, I only got a couple of steps before I slid down the wall, crying like a baby. It's really hard to see you so distressed and not be able to do anything. I remembered that I have only ever felt so powerless, twice before, when he had you... I know what happened has nothing to do with me, you weren't afraid of me, but I still feel guilty...I know I shouldn't but I guess feelings aren't always logical... I spent the last hour thinking...maybe it was a good idea to give us both some space, I'm wary of what my first reactions would have been, without time for the rawness to dissipate...what I've realized is that you have made so much progress...you have come so incredibly far...but we need to talk so much more...about sex, about positions you are and aren't comfortable with...not just for sex, for any type of intimacy even hugs...we need to talk about words, I can only imagine some words have negative memories now?"
I nod slightly.
"We need to talk about sexual likes and dislikes, the more we talk, the more we can do to minimize the chance of things like this happening, and the easier it will be to deal with them, for both of us Liv. You know it will happen again?! In some form or other it will happen...but we can do much more to plan and prepare for it. This does nothing to change us...it doesn't change how far you have come..."
I can see he is very hesitant to say whatever he is now thinking... I take our linked hands and raise them one at a time to my lips kissing them carefully before leaning over and kissing his lips deeply...
'Forget what we're told
Before we get too old
Show me a garden
That's bursting into life
Let's waste time
Chasing cars
Around our heads
I need your grace
To remind me
To find my own'
"Liv you don't realize how amazing you are, how far you have progressed in such a short time. You are a beautiful woman, you always have been, but in the last couple of days I've seen a confident, sexy,...seductress...peaking out..." He takes a deep breath before the word seductress, and his voice deepens slightly as he says it. I can immediately see lust in his eyes.
"You're worried you've lost your sexual side, that this stumble has knocked you back to the start again, but you're wrong...she is in there..." He guides our hands to me, resting them against my heart.
"I've seen glimpses of her, she is sublime...she looks just like this..." he takes my face in his hands softly kissing me, "...but the things she says and does...god what she does to me..." he lowers his voice in volume and pitch. And his eyes are burning with lust and something much softer...
"I understand you are upset, I can only imagine what you were seeing,... I hate that those memories are there at all, but you consistently amaze me,...not only have you still got a sexual side, but she is no where near as buried as you think she is, ...I'm so grateful that you trust me enough to show me that side of you, in fact I'm a little worried that when you have full rein on her again, I may not be able to keep up, you may want to trade me in for a better model..."
I laugh at him, rolling my eyes, pretending to consider his suggestion...before I shake my head.
"We need to talk a lot more...and maybe slow down a little...pretend to be teenagers a LOT more...I'm really liking that...I hate to admit it but everything that has happened, over the last couple of years, has left me a little shaken too...I want to protect you, I know you don't need me to protect you, but I'm finding it hard sometimes to stop myself when I think of..."
"I understand that Rafael, I didn't really until Patton, and Nadia's death, but I do now. It's hard to forget what someone has been through...but you need to trust me, as you have been doing, I knew it was hard for you, I could see your concern when I would progress things...you may be right, this may happen again...I want to cry at the thought of it, but it may...and it shakes what little confidence I have, so if you doubt me too?..."
His head bobs up and down a few times...
"It's not that I don't trust you, I'm afraid...but you are right. I'm just so afraid that I'll scare you...I don't want to lose you Liv..."
"You didn't scare me Rafael, earlier, when we were...I pulled you onto me, I pulled you off balance and something about the way your knee landed between mine, and your hands on either side of my body...it reminded me of Lewis..."
"I figured it was something like that...but it took me the best part of the hour...it was stupid really, because I knew you were restrained to a bed, I should have thought..."
I take his face in my hands...looking deeply into his eyes...
'Forget what we're told
Before we get too old
Show me a garden
That's bursting into life
All that I am
All that I ever was
Is here in your perfect eyes
They're all I can see
I don't know where
Confused about how as well
Just know that these things
Will never change for us at all
If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me
And just forget the world?'
"I didn't think of it Rafael, so how could you?"
He nods, "I know now, to be cautious of that position though, because it has so much potential to bring up memories...and it's not a favorite of mine anyway..."
I wrap my arms around his neck, "There is no way you can think you'd be able to say that, and not tell me what is..."
He loops his upper arm around my waist, "This is a bit of a new one for me, but I'm finding I like it..." he says kissing my nose.
I smile, indulgently at him.
"You're right though, we need to talk more...I definitely need to know what positions you do like!" I announce ashe rolls his eyes at me and we spend a few more minutes in comfortable silence.
"You can't sleep in jeans, and I can't sleep like this..." I gesture to his shirt that I'm still wearing.
"I quite like the idea of you sleeping in my shirt...you look seriously hot in it..." he mutters, smirking gently at me.
"Hmmmm maybe, but I definitely need pants..."
"God, Olivia Benson in just my shirt and underwear...when did I get so lucky?" he mumbles, heading for the living room to get pajama pants, giving me the chance to slip out of bed and slip on pajama pants of my own.
When he walks back into the room he picks up the clothes still thrown on the floor, folding them onto the chair. He checks all the candles to make sure they've gone out, leaving only the vanilla one on the bedside table to light our way. He quickly pulls me to him, wrapping his arms around me, kissing me deeply.
"I can sleep on the couch..."
"I want you to sleep here, with me,...and maybe tomorrow we can talk?"
He nods his head happily, "I sleep better beside you, and tomorrow we talk...no embarrassment, no taboos, complete honesty..."
And somehow the words that should terrify me, don't... and I can only make the same promise, "No embarrassment, no taboos, complete honesty...Rafael."
'If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me
And just forget the world?'