While Father slept in the room across the short hall, slept, I couldn't even lie down and relax.

Magnus never did call me back. Over the last week public outrage about me had died down to a mild simmer to make way for the gossip that wasn't passed its sell-by date. I guessed that meant he didn't need to help me like he'd offered to.

Still, I couldn't help wondering what might have been if I'd just stopped being stubborn and met up with him. Maybe he had a perfectly good explanation. Maybe he'd finally say sorry.

Jace would probably hit me for thinking that way. Like he hit Magnus - yup, the bruise had been his fault, he was lucky not to get into trouble. I'd cut that man out of my life for a reason. He was bad news.

But now I was lonely and my first real love was only a button push away. With his number auto-saved to the 'received calls' list on my phone. The logical thing would have been to remove the temptation again. To go outside from the room I'd been shutting myself up in and meet people who were worth the time.

We do very stupid things for people when they make us think they're worth it.

I crept out of bed as carefully as I could. You never really notice how creaky a place is until you're trying to move quietly. I was sure that I'd be heard on my way to the kitchen. I was planning to make tea in the hopes that the warmth would make me sleepy.

The plan changed when I saw the wine. Father bought the same brand Mother drank when they were together. I considered if he would notice me finishing off a bottle which was already open. Chances were he'd just assume he'd drank it himself.

I was prepared to take that chance and sat down on the floor behind the counter like it would hide me at all if he decided to walk into the kitchen. I had the bottle on one hand and my phone in the other.

It tasted like I remembered it tasting the very first time. I chuckled darkly to myself thinking about it. I couldn't shake the happy memories of Magnus but they never came without the reminder of the bad times too.

"Bastard..." I muttered to myself, smiling at my phone screen even though I didn't know why. Was I losing my mind? Probably.

I took another swig of the liquid which I was rapidly becoming used to. It tasted bad in a weirdly good way and it was already making me feel… buzzy. There was something funny about the situation all of a sudden. I was sat on a kitchen floor wallowing in self-pity and thinking about a guy I'd been trying to forget all about. Magnus, on the other hand, probably never thought of me without outside prompting.

It wasn't as if he was short on ways to fill his time. What with his beautiful, famous wife and the dazzling people he worked with day in and day out. Maybe he already had another affair on the go. Maybe Camille did too. Maybe they were all out having a grand time together painting the town in glitter while I fawned hopelessly over them.

There's so much more to sexuality than you've ever encountered. It isn't cut-and-dry as 'monogamous or cheating.'

So what was in between? Consensual affairs? What would Magnus have told me if I'd been willing to listen?

Piecing together all the information I'd gotten as of late theirs wasn't an ordinary marriage.

Camille didn't take Magnus' last name, didn't make it obvious even to her many fans that she had a wedded partner at all, and according to her husband had beyond her 'fair share' of other partners.

Magnus had clearly done it all before, nobody who looked that calm being caught in bed with another person was going though it for the first time. He hadn't seemed all that worried about it and, apparently, his wife had forgiven him.

This was a whole different ballgame to what had happened between my Mother and Father. I didn't know the rules.

The real question was: did I want to know?

My gut was telling me 'no'. Somewhere inside I had a moral compass which was telling me that the monogamy Magnus didn't subscribe to was important. It was vital in a relationship. Lack of it had torn my family apart.

On the other hand something was working for Magnus and Camille and whatever it was… Well it wasn't the traditional family unit.

I wiped the moisture from my lips and put the bottle back where I'd gotten it. My thoughts were taking a serious turn and with Magnus at the push of a button I couldn't afford to have my mind all fuzzy. If I called him then I didn't want my hazed mind seeing sense where there was none just because I missed him.

What I needed was a clear idea of what I even hoped to get out of calling him. The apology I wanted was never coming unless I asked him for one and in that case he wouldn't have meant it. So, what did I want him to say?

Well, there was a part of me much larger than I want to admit that hoped if I listened to Magnus he'd come out with something brilliant. I wanted indisputable evidence that the way of life he had chosen was a perfectly good one. If I could have the same ideology he had… The same assurance that whatever was going on was a good idea and nothing to be ashamed of…

It could change everything. It might have even taken away all the hurt I'd been feeling if I understood the situation better.

There was a nagging thought about Camille and why she would have been so angry if any of that was the case. I didn't know what to think about that. Her being betrayed and her forgiving her husband so quickly just didn't add up for me. I wanted Magnus to explain that too because if she slept around why couldn't he?

Not that what we'd done qualified as 'sleeping around', it was just the one time… And there was no sleeping…

Was it because she didn't know me? What if they were supposed to, I don't know… Register that sort of thing? And Magnus didn't… For whatever reason. I was sure he could tell me why when I called him.

When I called him? When did it become 'when'?

I put my phone on the counter and stared at it, terrified about what I was convincing myself to do. It was insane. I actually wanted my dishonest ex to give me a reason to help him cheat on his wife again. The only real reason I wanted to understand it is because of the too-large part of me that wanted to be a part of it.

That scared me.

They make us think they're worth it.

Was Magnus worth it? I wanted him to be. Everything I thought about him clashed, though.

Magnus loved me but he used me. He listened to me but he'd drop me for a phone call. He cared about me but he wasn't sorry for hurting me. How do you decide if a person is worth your time when you hardly know them at all?

In a sudden moment of clarity I realised that that was my answer: I hardly knew Magnus at all. Whatever I felt for him was based on half a picture. I was curious, sure, more than curious. Who wouldn't be? All the things I didn't know where eating away at me and probably always would.

Pandora didn't exactly find sunshine and rainbows inside her mysterious box, though, did she?

If I delved any further into Magnus' life there would be no turning back. Even if I always wondered about what might have been… That was normal.

More healthy than deliberately going against my own ethics for some guy, anyway.

I didn't want what he wanted. I'd never wanted those things. Wanting him didn't change that and it never would.

With my hands still shaky I picked up my phone again. Then I deleted Magnus' number for the last time.

I've been trapped in no-internet land over the weekend, sorry readers, thank you for waiting!

Okay, this chapter made me nervous. Alec doesn't intend to go along with it; I tried to make that clear by the end but I'm not sure it worked, hence this note. I just thought there was no way the thought wouldn't even cross his mind and so this chapter was born.

"Interview" is coming up next!