A/N This song is beyond beautiful, not to be a music snob but it was massacred horribly on the Live in Dublin Album, the only version worth listening to is off the 2001 Live in New York City album, if you haven't heard it, it's definitely worth a listen..."If I should fall behind" by Bruce Springsteen and the E Street Band. No other song could ever hope to say what this one does...
Sorry about the delay, work took over temporarily this is one of the hardest chapters I've written so far so I'd seriously appreciate any feedback?
FicFriend; Thank you so much. I love this song too... I'm a bit sad that neither of us have really found much on a google search to help a potential Rafael. I am sorry for keeping you waiting, I hope it is worth waiting for...
MrsChilton; Thank you so much and I'm sorry for upsetting you when she thought it was all over. I don't really see Rafael giving up on them any time soon...
Intala; Thank you so much. I'm glad you got your wifi sorted again. Unfortunately I don't think most healing journeys would be so straight forward, I think that that it would have been unrealistic and a huge cop out to have it all work out that quickly and easily...Hmmmm that's a really good point, it may be very useful later on too. He is sometimes struggling a little to follow her lead for fear of hurting her. He is very aware of how important is role is in this situation, he's not scared off by it, but he is does desperately want to get it right...
Guest; thank you so much...every review means so much
Shootthephoto; Thank you so much for the reviews and for reading an incomplete work which I know yo don't usually do. I'm glad you liked Carisi's voice, I still don't feel like I know his character well enough yet...In particular thank you for answering my question about detail, it's something that I am constantly worried about...I'm finding it hard to walk the line of enough detail to be true but not too much...these songs mean a lot to me so thank you
Surprisingly after the emotional upheaval of the evening's events, I slept really well and awoke beside an equally well-rested Rafael.
As we lay happily in bed, wrapped in each other's warm embrace, with the sun beaming in on top of us, the pain of the previous day's failure could nearly be forgotten...until the lotion bottle caught my eye. The memories tried to tug me back into the tumultuous blackness that almost enveloped me last night, until a gentle hand turned my head to a set of sparkling green eyes. Neither of us spoke a word, completely content to just lie there together.
'We said we'd walk together baby come what may'
As a little voice called out for attention, we started the new day, both smiling and uninhibited by what has come before.
We were both loath to be the one to start the conversation we, so readily, agreed to last night so we played with a giggling Noah as we worked together to cook breakfast and make coffee, luxuriating in the unhurried routine that is only possible on a Sunday, when it seems that the whole of New York has a tacit agreement to slow down from every other day's breakneck speed.
"Have you to work today, Rafael?"
He shook his head smiling widely. My equally beaming face seemed to be response enough for him as he asked Noah what we should do today?
Noah was far too busy with his dinosaur and breakfast, to care about anything as distant as later, so Rafael feigned a frown and readdressed the question to me.
After a few Google searches, and carefully researched promises that the final days of summer would be sunny, we decided on a trip to zoo. An excited Noah started digging animals out of his toy box, squealing as Rafael made corresponding noises.
As I gathered toddler friendly snacks into the bag that only seems to get larger with every day, Rafael suggested a picnic for all of us. He made a quick, quiet call and declared it to be sorted. A momentary stop on the drive to the zoo and we found ourselves entering the zoo with a pretty picnic basket resting under Noah's stroller.
An excited Noah gaped open mouthed at each new enclosure, his little face pressed up as close as possible. After a moment of studying, he quickly discounted lions lazily, sunning themselves on rocks, as unentertaining. Giraffes and zebras fared little better, after the initial amazement, when they failed to put on enough of a show to maintain the attention of the over stimulated, little boy. In direct contrast to his quickly wandering attention with so many animals, he had to be carefully coaxed away from a large group of monkeys who, like their dedicated observer, didn't seem to sit still at all. They climbed, and returned the studious stares directed at them, swinging between knotted ropes and chattering loudly. Raucously laughing as they dexterously picked their way through bananas, Noah was enthralled. Only with a lot of gentle persuasion did we manage to move our own little monkey to the picnic area, where he swung around a playground that bore a striking resemblance to the monkey enclosure we had only left behind.
As Rafael pulled the picnic basket from under the stroller, he started to set out a delicious array of food from the seemingly, bottomless, basket. As always, Noah was much more interested in the food that had not been chosen with him in mind, and the picture of a relaxed Rafael gladly sharing his food with Noah, who was clambering into his lap, made me smile until I felt like a grinning idiot.
For a time, there was no Lewis, no Harris, no pain, and no devastation...
Rafael's lack of experience with small children was quickly disappearing as he started to allow himself to relax around Noah. He no longer looked to me at nearly every move, for guidance, he was happy to take cues from the toddler as he began to recognize them, and Noah was very happy to have a new playmate.
The sun shone down on us as we shared a picnic, with a very happy toddler, who bounced between us to taste whatever caught his eye. We munched happily on chorizo, jamon, green olives, artichoke hearts, stuffed pimentos and crusty baguette, but both Noah and I passed on the silvery fish that Rafael loved. There were cheeses, dips, chips, an iced gazpacho, salads and beautiful fruits for dessert which were augmented by churros bought from a nearby vendor, which Noah couldn't get enough of, even as the chocolate dripped all down his front.
As always, with an exuberant toddler, there was no time to waste when we were done eating, he made it clear he had more animals to see, as we laughingly packed up and headed off to the penguin enclosure where he sat rapt, with his little face pressed up against the glass, watching them waddle uncoordinatedly on land, before plopping into the water, where they could glide so gracefully.
Lizards fascinated him when we got to the reptile house but he hid behind Rafael when snakes started to slither across the ground in their enclosure...
Elephants seemed to do very little to hold his attention as we moved on, until a huge bull started to trumpet loudly and Noah burst into frightened tears, frantically reaching for me. I calmed him gently but the tears seemed to make him less confident to explore any further and a quick check of the time, reminded me that he was rapidly tiring, as his bedtime approached. I couldn't believe how the entire day had passed by so quickly... I didn't want it to end.
Reluctantly I suggested we take the fussy toddler home, and Rafael agreed, but not before he softly cupped my face, telling me how much he had enjoyed the day. With a quick look towards Noah, he gently kissed me, before scooping him up; he was clearly tired from the day's excitements but steadfastly refusing to ride in his stroller.
As we drove home it was a challenge to keep the increasingly, grumpy, little boy awake, as he tightly clasped the new monkey that Rafael had bought him in the gift shop.
I carried the drowsy boy straight to bed as Rafael emptied the car. It never ceases to amaze me how much such a tiny little person seems to need to travel with, as his car seat, stroller, bag, toys and other bits were all deposited back into the living room.
When I had Noah settled, I found Rafael boiling water for tea for me and making coffee for himself, I slipped my arms around his waist and he leaned back into me.
"Today was...perfect. Thank you Rafael"
He turned to me without breaking my loose embrace.
"I really enjoyed it Liv...thank you..."
He pressed his lips to mine and wrapped his arms around me.
"How do you feel Liv?"
For a moment I don't know how to answer his question, afraid to ruin the day by changing it's mood but I know that we need to talk and that to have more days like this we need to take the risk...
"I can almost pretend that last night never happened...but it did."
He seems to understand that I am willing to talk and hands me my tea, grabbing his coffee as he takes me by the hand, leading me to the couch where he pulls me gently to him.
"You know I'm not upset or hurt by what happened Liv? I hate that I caused that much upset, even though I know it wasn't me..."
"It wasn't you Rafael...I don't know what changed...just all of a sudden, it wasn't you anymore..."
"It was when I was...on top of you? Leaning over you?"
'That come the twilight should we lose our way
If as we're walking a hand should slip free
I'll wait for you
And should I fall behind
Wait for me'
I can't find any words. I just nod, my eyes dropping in embarrassment.
"It's ok Liv." He softly kisses my forehead. "You don't have to tell me anything you don't want to. We don't have to talk about it. I just need to know that this position could be particularly triggering..."
Again I can only nod.
"You don't like to feel trapped?" He asks softly.
Another gentle dip of my head is his only answer.
"What other positions do you think might be triggering?"
I try to search my mind for an answer, but I can't access the memories without it all flooding back uncontrollably. I can feel Lewis pushing me into the bed in the beach house as I struggle to escape him and the knowledge of his intentions, as I feel him press against me. I can feel the table bruising my hips as his hips force his erection against my body. I can feel Harris pushing me up against the wall of the basement... I can't stop the tears that burst forward.
"It's ok Liv...I don't know how to ask these questions...I don't want to upset you...but we need to try to figure out what might be more triggering?"
"I know Rafael. It's just that when I think about it, it starts to feel like every position could be...I feel so broken..."
'We swore we'd travel darlin' side by side
We'd help each other stay in stride
But each lover's steps fall so differently
But I'll wait for you
And if I should fall behind
Wait for me'
His hand starts to softly stroke my cheek wiping away the tears.
"Liv, you're not broken. You're so strong...please don't feel broken."
His reassurances allow me to see past the despair, a little, "When we were lying side by side..."
He smiles, nodding, understanding that it is easier to pick out positions that I don't think will trigger me, rather than tell him what will.
"What other positions do you think would be good?"
"I think I need to be able to see you..." I whisper.
He nods thoughtfully, as if making a mental checklist.
I can see him hesitate as he starts to speak again, "I thought about it a little, last night,..." He falters, "Liv, I don't know how to ask, I think I should explain where the thought came from but I don't know how to say it, or should I say it?"
I think I understand what he is asking, "You thought of a detail from him...and you don't know whether to bring it up?"
He nods guiltily.
"We have to be able to talk Rafael..."
'Now everyone dreams of a love lasting and true
But you and I know what this world can do
So let's make our steps clear that the other may see
And I'll wait for you
If I should fall behind
Wait for me'
He nods and gulps in a big breath, "Ok. I know in the beach house, you were restrained to a bed, and you said in Sealview, there was a mattress...is a bed maybe not the best place to...?"
Again his thoughtfulness floors me. He remembers how I had told him that sometimes I don't want to say their names; he remembers the little details...
I shrug my shoulders slightly.
"Liv, when you..." He stops suddenly, "Something has been bothering me a little bit..."
"It's ok Rafael, whatever it is..."
He nods "When we read through the '12 things...', you didn't really seem comfortable...it's not a criticism, or judgment...but...can you...I mean do you..." he takes another deep breath, "Liv, are you really comfortable with your body? Can you pleasure yourself?"
Somehow the question surprises me. I know it shouldn't, but somehow it does. He seems to interpret my silence as embarrassment or reluctance to answer...
"I'm sorry Liv, I know that it's a horribly personal question...and you are completely entitled to not answer me, but it worries me a little..."
"It's not that Rafael... The subject doesn't embarrass me...I don't think I know how to answer you...or maybe my answer embarrasses me... For a long time my body felt...separate...like it wasn't mine... but as time progressed from that first complete disconnect from my body,...it goes from those feelings just being completely gone, to not being able to ignore your body anymore...I reckon that's when it gets hard...it's easier when you don't feel the conflict between your body and soul, when there is no confusion, you're only dealing with the guilt and 'easier' effects of what happened...but then it becomes more of a battle. None of the effects are easy but somehow jumping when someone touches you, or being afraid of everything, or even not sleeping, seem easier to remedy, at least they don't last as long... It's hard to separate what was done TO you from everything else...your body is making demands, but guilt, and that filthy feeling that just doesn't make sense, but won't leave, makes it impossible to touch yourself without feeling sick...so you deny your body and your sexuality...because they make you feel even more guilty...but of course they don't go away...and you have to do something...and then you feel almost complicit in what happened...because you need to do something to relieve these feelings...so you attempt to find a way to banish those feelings, it's not really about pleasure, it's just about stopping those feelings...and you feel even more like your sexuality is what caused IT all to happen...so you hide all of your femininity, because that's what left you open to him in the first place...everything female and feminine about you feels weak...pleasure is the last thing on your mind, it's just about getting rid of those feelings...
As time passes, the disgust, at your own body dims,... it's pretty hard to maintain, surprisingly...there's only so long you can hide from your own naked flesh, there's only so long you can avoid every touch, like using sponges and loofahs to clean your skin, you have no real choice but to grudgingly accept you're stuck with the lump of flesh attached to your head...
You eventually get to the point where you accidentally, find that the touch that was getting rid of the feelings that made you feel sick, actually feels ...nice...it still feels guilty, but it's nice...and then if you can believe it, it gets harder, because now you know there is the possibility of pleasure, and as well as the guilt and shame and dirty, complicit feelings, you now get to add, being angry at yourself...because you denied yourself that pleasure for all this time... it hits a point that you have done all you can do alone...you have become familiar enough to guide a partner in what you enjoy...you know what feels good and what doesn't at your own hand but you want to regain some more of who you once were...but it feels like you can't get full control back until you have the control of allowing someone to participate in your pleasure..."
I know I have given him a hell of a lot to think about and I can see him nodding gently at me, to confirm he has heard me as he wades his way through my confession.
'Should we lose each other in the shadow of the evening
trees
I'll wait for you
And should I fall behind
Wait for me'
"So it's not something you really enjoy?"
"I do feel pleasure, but also guilt..."
"You know it's your body, you shouldn't feel guilty...you are doing nothing wrong...you did nothing wrong, you did nothing to invite what happened..."
"I know...I really do know that Rafael..." I know that I bear no responsibility for what happened and that I should not feel guilty for allowing myself to feel pleasure...but I still feel those feelings...
"So when you do try to pleasure yourself, do you do it in bed?"
I shake my head.
"Never?" he asks softly.
Again I shake my head.
"So where?"
"In the bath..." I whisper.
"Why the bath and not bed?" he softly questions, never letting his eyes leave mine.
"I don't really know...I suppose the bath feels like a safe place?"
"So would the bath maybe be a safer place for us to explore each other in?"
His question seems so obvious, but I had never thought of it... "That could be a really good idea Rafael..." but there was a slight hesitation as I considered it would also start with us both being naked.
He seems to know what I am thinking, "We could wear bathing suits...it's a bit like underwear...and swim-shorts...even t-shirts...it makes sense that after what happened a bed may not be the best place..."
All of a sudden, what should have been an agonizing conversation, where I felt ridiculous, has instead become a huge relief. His assurances and solutions seem completely reasonable, and rather than being a problem, we seem to have a better plan now.
"And Liv, I really think it would be good to try and enjoy your body yourself too...I can see what you mean about it feeling guilty...but it isn't...you shouldn't feel any guilt or shame...try to let it go?"
He wraps me in his arms, kissing me tenderly, allowing me to deepen our kiss as my tongue searches out his. As his hands gently stroke my sides, I understand that he wants me to feel completely in control.
"I want you to show me everything you enjoy Liv, I want to be able to pleasure you...you need to know yourself to show me..." he says as he stills his hands and pulls me to him, breaking our kiss. But instead of feeling rejected I feel encouraged, I feel empowered, I feel like I've been given motivation to free myself from the guilt I've almost, unknowingly, been carrying...
"I'm going to run you a bath Liv" he whispers softly into my ear.
"I don't want to leave you sitting here Rafael..." I start to tell him
"I'm going to keep reading Liv" he says gesturing to the book he bought me, "I'm not going anywhere...I'm only out here..."
He kisses my forehead as he stands up and starts towards the bathroom.
A few minutes later he returns and takes me by the hand. He has lit some small candles around the room, the vanilla candle he bought me is flickering away lightly infusing its scent and the tub is full of scented bath oil.
He kisses me deeply, again allowing his hands to softly stroke my sides.
"You are so sexy, don't feel guilty about that..."
'Darlin' I'll wait for you
Should I fall behind
Wait for me'