A/N ***It's not where the chapter was meant to go but it's where it wrote itself to..."Mi musica es tu voz"(My music is your voice) by David Bisbal.

I'm really worried that I've crossed lines with the last chapter and this one, so please tell me what you think? If it is over the line I can delete it...? Please?***

Windsinger89; God you made me laugh, thank you so much...there's nothing wrong with a good old ham sandwich except I'm way more high maintenance than that...cough cough I mean Rafael is...ok so I'm way more high maintenance than a ham sandwich, and yes this is my idea of a picnic...

Thanks for the welcome back, I really appreciate the feedback, I was worried about how to put it, but I guess I always wanted to move things to the bath, it just seems so much less pressure and has a lot less potential to be triggering I think...I'm really glad you are intrigued to see what happens,...so am I...I have to plan better and stop letting the mad monkeys write for me...I know you picked up on this a little after the '12 things', I hope it doesn't go too far but as you and other readers pointed out, it is important...

Shootthephoto; Thank you so much. I'm so glad you liked this side of Rafael, he's only finding his way, not only with Noah...I suppose he is growing almost as much as Liv...I was worried the zoo would feel like a distraction...it wasn't meant to be, it was meant to be reality intervening...it's not always possible to have a conversation immediately...

Barsonaddict; love your name! And thank you so much for the follow...

Intala; Thank you for the material from The Sexual Healing Journey, I really appreciate it and all your other help, you have been loyally with me from the start.

FicFriend; Thank you for the explicit permission to attempt to write this chapter, I needed the permission, I tried to write it before but I wussed out big time...I hope I haven't gone too far...and it is true to what you could imagine?

He kisses me deeply, again allowing his hands to softly stroke my sides. "You are so sexy, don't feel guilty about that..."

It's strange, as an adult, to feel the need for permission to do something, but as Rafael closes the bathroom door, I feel the oddest sensation of being given permission to really find myself. The emotions running through me, as the door clicks closed, are a strange mix of freedom and pain. It feels like I have been handed the keys to my own body, as I stand fully dressed in front of the mirror I usually carefully obscure or avoid, and I'm not sure I know how to use them. I'm scared I haven't got the courage to do what I need to.

I can feel the ghosts close in on me, as I hurriedly pull my shirt over my head and drop it to the floor, slowly pulling my eyes up to the reflection staring back at me.

As my eyes take in the scars, I can hear Lewis' voice, telling me how he owns this, how no one would ever want me now...

I fight the urge to cover up, or avert my eyes, instead pushing myself to continue.

My shaking hands go to the button and zipper on my pants, as I struggle not to equate the familiar sound with the fear it so easily brings back, not allowing myself to be pulled back to times where the sound heralded another assault, unwaveringly pushing the pants down my legs and stepping out of the pooled fabric before forcing my eyes back to the mirror.

Again, it is the scars that I see, littering so much of my skin.

Strangely, it isn't the pain of receiving the scars that fills my mind, it is the words that accompanied the pain, the innocuous, touches that confirmed his ownership of my skin, that fill my mind to the point of exploding.

With tears rolling, unhindered, down my cheeks, I pull off the bra and underwear before I can stop myself.

I stand naked before the mirror, unable to raise my eyes from the floor, from the clothing pooled before me.

And when my eyes reluctantly meet my reflection, all that fills my consciousness is "Why would anyone want that?", and the tears speed up, on their journey down my face.

Something deep inside me keeps trying to remind me that Rafael had seen most of me, and he does want me. He has seen the scars and it didn't seem to dull the lust I have seen in his eyes.

He is right, how could I hope to show him what I enjoy, when I am only barely aware of what that is, in the most vague context...

It seems wrong to admit that maybe I can only do this, because of him. It feels like a weakness, that I can't bring myself to do this for me, that I am doing this at his urging. Is this so wrong though? I needed help, I hate that I did, but I needed someone to help me...is needing help, and taking it really that wrong? Does it somehow dilute my progress that it doesn't all come exclusively from somewhere deep inside me?

As I look at the shape that stares back at me, I can't help but admit that if it weren't my body I would call it curvaceous, womanly...

But it is my body and I don't see it as it is.

I struggle not to see his hands crawling across my flesh, forever tainting it by just touching it.

Even when I allow myself the pleasure necessary to satisfy my body's demands, I concentrate only on what will bring that pleasure quickly, not allowing any unnecessary touching. But now as I stand naked in a mirror, I want my body to feel alive like it did at Rafael's touches, and I can't help but recognize that my body felt alive, buzzing with pleasure without him ever touching the part of me that I solely concentrate on...

He is right; I have been holding myself back. I have definitely made progress from the days when my skin felt like it burned from my own touch while simply trying to cleanse it, but I still have a long way to go.

I battle with the familiar feelings of shame, of guilt, of being dirty, as my hand gently strokes down the skin of my chest. As my right hand softly cups my left breast, and my thumb grazes the nipple softly, my mind catapults me back to Lewis, his fingers twisting the nipple cruelly while I beg for him to stop as the burned skin of my breast twists painfully with the movement.

For a moment I still, my eyes clasped tightly shut as I attempt to banish the unwanted memory. When I reopen them, my eyes swim with new tears finding their way down my face again.

It didn't feel like this when it was Rafael's hand, Rafael's tongue, why does my own hand remind me so much of pain?

I take a few deep breaths as I allow my thumb to rub my nipple softly. This action bears no similarity to Lewis' actions and after the initial flood of memories, I find a comforting silence in my mind.

The screaming voices of Lewis, of Harris, of me, have relented.

When I look directly down at my flesh I see that the nipple has hardened under my touch. I feel a sense of achievement, I am creating a sense of desire in my body, I am not grudgingly responding to my body's demands, I am in control...

I allow my hand to turn its attention to my other breast, gently stroking the skin the way Rafael had. I find my other hand starts to stroke all the long ignored flesh of my torso and I feel my body start to react. I find that alternating the pressure of my fingers on my skin feels good, from feather light touches to gently massaging the flesh.

My two nipples soon, stand erect on my chest, and I feel the familiar pull downward as my hand starts to descend.

I can't look at my reflection, as my fingers lightly graze the sensitive bundle of nerves between my legs.

I feel the pull of memory yet again, and quickly still my hands, closing my eyes to the images dancing in my mind until they once again pass.

As my eyes slowly reopen, I am confronted with the image of a naked woman in the mirror, she is standing with erect nipples and her legs slightly parted, her hand is clearly heading between her thighs and I am surprised to find I am not disgusted by her.

As I look at her unmoving image, I can admit that she looks like a sexual being...she looks aroused...she doesn't look dirty...

As I carefully watch this woman in the mirror, I allow my hands to wander the skin that is on display, and begin to feel some of the arousal I can see in the flushed skin of her chest and face.

As my fingers gently tease between my legs, I begin to feel like the woman staring back at me is no longer so separate, as I recognize her reactions as my own. My fingers no longer concentrate on the nerves clustered together between my legs, but gently roam my skin searching out anywhere that gives me pleasure and I no longer look to the reflected image, I look to the flesh that is transmitting the pleasant sensations through me.

I start to avoid the tiny piece of skin I usually rely on to provide my pleasure, as I allow my hands to wander, enjoying the image as I see my hands providing the pleasure I had felt reliant on Rafael to provide me with.

I slowly step into the bath as I recognize the need to make myself more comfortable.

As I sink into the warm water I can feel my body gratefully accept the new sensation, not in the way I have become accustomed to, of sore muscles relaxing in the water's heat but of the tickle of the warm water advancing up my skin as I sink into it, of the contrast of the warm water and cooler air on my nipples as the water surges momentarily up, as I lower myself into it.

I'm beginning to feel the same life in my previously dead flesh, that I felt when Rafael hands made my skin tingle.

Again I choose to ignore between my legs, as I lay back and enjoy my relaxed body, as the sensations seem to be even further heightened by the warm bath.

As my hands move, I start to imagine how Rafael's tongue had felt when it had touched the same skin. I try to remember the areas that had felt best under his ministrations, and turn my attentions to them, until my arousal can no longer be denied and I allow my hands to dip into the water to the area of my body that feels the most foreign, even now.

Again I try to find new pleasure zones as I allow my hands the freedom to wander.

The wetness that I so feared when I was with Lewis, now makes me feel a sense of accomplishment as my fingers gently trace the curves and dips of my body.

The fear starts to return as my fingers explore but I find I can control it by distracting my body with pleasurable zones far removed from between my thighs, and I realize that this is part of the reason Rafael had been so insistent at me doing this, I know now, what he can do when we are intimate and the memories threaten to overwhelm me...

I find I am enjoying exploring my body, not just to placate its demands but I'm enjoying the experience. I'm enjoying finding out how to really pleasure myself. As my body continues to react to my actions, and memories of the pleasure Rafael showed me was possible, I start to really consider having sex with him. Not as an abstract, I start to really imagine how it would feel to have his body push into mine, would it feel painful? Would it be too much of a reminder of what I feared so desperately with Lewis?

I can imagine the pleasure it could bring, remembering back to a time when such actions brought pleasure and I unconsciously start to allow my finger to gently probe.

I'm pleasantly surprised to find that my body has prepared for this intrusion and as my finger slips gently inside me, there is no pain...no, not only is there no pain, it feels good.

I look down in surprise to see that what I can feel is, in fact, happening, and it feels good.

I watch carefully as I gently move my finger and the movement causes my thumb to brush against the bundle of nerves I had so consciously been avoiding, I gasp at the pleasure that rushes through my body. This time as my finger moves, I allow my thumb to stroke the nerve cluster and my other hand rubs over my nipple.

This doesn't feel like all the times I have chased away the demands of my body since Lewis. This feels more like I used to, the pleasure feels much deeper, like my whole body is gently buzzing...It makes sense, my whole body has been stimulated now, not just one tiny area...but I feel good...

I vary my finger's actions, moving it slowly, then faster, changing the angle until the pressure starts to build and all interest in exploring my body is replaced by the feelings of pleasure.

As I take all I have learned over however long I have been in here, I do what feels good and when the pressure is too much, the pleasure sends me over the edge. My whole body seems to tense as a wave of pleasure bursts across my body, and immediately I feel an intense relief, like this is what my body has been waiting for all this time...

My nipples and the area between my legs has become too sensitive to even consider touching, as I carefully remove my hands.

I lie back in the bath, breathing hard, and almost unable to move.

God that felt good.

And just like that the tears flow again, I'm really not broken...For the first time since Lewis, I really believe I could have a sex life again...No, I feel like I could really enjoy sex again...

I am definitely attracted to Rafael. I know I can really feel pleasure...after all this time I thought something had changed in me, that I just wasn't capable of feeling like that anymore...after all the times I had cautiously stimulated my most sensitive area, I had never felt like that, I had no reason to think it was possible anymore...but it is.

I can feel real pleasure, still. I can give myself that pleasure...there is no need to rush things with Rafael to try to regain some sense of how I used to feel...

Is that maybe why I was so quick to try and progress things last night?

I have no doubt of my attraction to him and I have seen evidence of his attraction to me, did I rush from one progression to another to try to get him to show me the pleasure he hinted at...?

I want nothing more than to go straight outside to him and find pleasure again with him, I want to go out and seduce him immediately, I feel on top of the world, but he is right, we need to do so much more talking to try to minimize the possibilities of last night's upset... I feel like I am much better equipped to deal with it should it happen again, now that I know I can feel the pleasure I so desperately worried was impossible, but last night's fear is enough to temper my exuberance.

I cannot help but imagine how it would feel when his body is causing my pleasure, as I pour a large quantity of soap into my hands and actually enjoy the experience of washing my body.

As my hands rub the soap into my skin, I allow myself to imagine him doing this for me as I teach him to touch me...

Do I want him fully dressed in swim shorts and a shirt when I take him into the bath? I was very happy with him in bed in only his pants last night until bad memories intervened, I enjoyed the feeling of his skin on mine and I didn't feel self conscious in only panties so maybe a bikini for me, and trunks for him, would be best. The idea of us both being naked makes me a little uneasy, so yes, a bikini and trunks...and I like the idea of him taking my bikini top off me...being stripped by him was sexy...

Somehow being in the bath, is less pressure...maybe it's because of its dual purpose, or maybe its because of the negative connotations I have of beds, but this could really work...

When I look down at my body now, I don't feel the same disgust anymore as I revel in the residual feelings of pleasure that still course through me. The scars and flesh don't feel the same as they did only a short while ago...

As I step out of the cool water and dry off I'm very aware of every touch on my body. I pull my damp hair back into a ponytail as I step into the living room.

"How long was I in there?"

He smiles widely at me, "Almost two hours..."

"Well that explains why my fingers are all wrinkled." I counter smiling equally broadly. "You were so right Rafael...It's like I needed permission to let go...I had been holding back...I didn't even realize it really.

I pushed too hard with us because it was only with you, I felt that there was any chance to feel pleasure like I used to...

I wasn't ready.

I think that you were right, the bath would be a better place for us to explore in...

I'm not quite comfortable yet, with us getting into the tub naked, so if you don't mind, maybe we could wear a bikini for me and trunks for you?"

He smiles again nodding, "You...in a bikini...hell yeah!"

"I don't really need the top of it, I'd quite comfortable in just the bottoms, but I quite enjoy the idea of you stripping it off me..."

He rolls his eyes, "Liv, you're going to be the death of me saying things like that..."

"But what a way to die Rafael?"

He chuckles nodding.

"Have you thought about what you are comfortable with Liv?"

"I don't really know, I'm still not completely at ease with my body I suppose, it still feels like it's not really mine...I know it sounds odd...I don't think I can really know what is ok until I feel it? Is that too hard for you?"

"No Liv. Not at all...Are you comfortable to say stop or do you want to have a non verbal way of stopping me?"

I look at him, slightly surprised as he holds up The Sexual Healing Journey.

"It could be anything Liv,..."as I consider his offer he continues "there's a suggestion here of an exercise based on the traffic light concept, you say green light when I can start touching and red light to stop...it could be good to establish boundaries...they could change depending on how you feel and it would mean there's no pressure on you to explain, if we just started with green light/red light as a matter of course?"

I sit down beside him curling into him, softly kissing him as I nod my agreement.

"That sounds really good Rafael..."

As with this morning, we are very comfortable to just be together, our arms wrapped tightly around the other...

You're going to have to be very patient with me Rafael..."

He nods softly, "And you will have to be patient with me Liv..."

"You were right, we need to talk about so much,... but now, I want to dance with you again...I want to feel your arms around me, your body against mine..."

He hits play on his phone as he pulls me to my feet, enveloping me in his embrace. A Spanish tune bursts from his phone as he starts to dance.

I feel safe and happy in his arms as we move easily and he starts to echo the lyrics of the song he has chosen for us. Only as he softly sings the words, do I start to listen to them...

'A tu lado me siento seguro

(By your side I feel safe)

A tu lado no dudo

(By your side there is no doubt)

A tu lado yo puedo volar

(By your side I can fly)

A tu lado hoy brilla mi estrella

(By your side today my star shines)

A tu lado mis sueños se haran por fin realidad

(By your side my dreams will finally become a reality)'

As I look into the green eyes looking back at me, I understand this song is not an accidental choice.

As the song finishes he continues to move to its fading strains as he repeats the lyrics he has just sung, but with more confidence, his voice soft but melodic...

'Cuenta con mi vida

Que hoy la doy por ti

Mi pasión la quiero compartir'

(The passion of my life, I give to you today, I want to share it with you)'

He softly kisses me as I echo his words in an almost whisper,

'Cuenta con mi vida

Que hoy la doy por ti

Mi pasión la quiero compartir'

He pulls my body tighter to him, kissing my lips, stroking my cheek, "I think we need to start thinking about disclosing our relationship Liv..."