A/N Lots of lovely reviews...most I've ever gotten for a chapter...
FicFriend; Thank you so much for the assurance the mad monkeys hadn't completely gone crazy... Yep, it seems like such a small thing but to just be able to enjoy washing her body, was a huge victory...thank you for noticing it. I know they'll have to disclose but I've no idea how that will go...what the hell are the rules and how "elastic" and open to interpretation are they? I don't want to lose Rafael from SVU(even just my version of it)...doh, I mean Liv doesn't...:)
Windsinger89; Thank you so much...I really was panicking, I had my finger hovering over the delete button so many times...It just felt too much...
Shootthephoto; Thanks for the acknowledgement of the song, sometimes I'm not sure if the song helps or hinders but I'm a big music and emotion all being wrapped up, person...I've tried a few times in this story and "necessary" before it, to point out the almost ridiculous damage words can do...especially in conjunction with an assault, they won't go away...I would hugely advocate for help, except for myself, for me, it's a weakness...wtf?
MrsChilton; Thank you so much for the reviews for both chapters, I'm obsessed(in a good, uncreepy, way, Your Honor) with Raul Esparza's version of Hallelujah...the passion, the voice...he had to sing, especially since he can dance...:) A guy who can dance is sooooo sexy! I know it's important she knows her own body but I really struggle with the lines between necessary and just salacious and smutty...Salacious and smutty is good but just doesn't fit here...
Punette101: thank you so much for the favourite...especially when I'm so unsure of myself and the madness it feels like I'm writing, every acknowledgement means more than I can explain...
Feilon; Thank you so much, In fairness I only added Rafael to the character list yesterday, I was so intent on it being Liv's story I refused to add his name because I was trying to convince myself that by not admitting his integral part in the process it made it more about her...I never intended to write a love story and I'm constantly annoyed at myself that it has crept into it to this extent...I know it doesn't make it any less her story but I'm a little conflicted at the fact she isn't doing it alone...regardless of how ridiculous that is! Thank you so much...I do see a place for those stories and quite enjoy them, on occasion, but I appreciate more than I can say, that you don't see this as the same. Rafael is definitely helping her, but Liv is her own savior...sexually and otherwise...I'm very open to ideas and suggestions though...
Intala; Yep reality sucks! Uggghhh please don't remind me of Liv's epically bad taste with THAT man...David Haden(yuck what was she thinking?) I'm glad you felt she moved forward, I'm not always sure which direction she is moving in...but at least she isn't stuck anymore...I have no idea what so ever about how to go about their disclosure so I'm open to bright ideas?
"November Rain" by Guns 'N Roses...
He pulls my body tighter to him, kissing my lips, stroking my cheek, "I think we need to start thinking about disclosing our relationship Liv..."
"No, Rafael, it's too soon..."
He gently pulls my head up until I meet his eyes, his thumb softly rubbing my lips, "I'm not going anywhere Liv...as far as I'm concerned, we are together..."
He can see how nervous this makes me, "It's ok Liv, and there's no rush to put labels on us or to say anything we're not ready to say...I just think we need to start thinking about disclosing..."
I hate that I sound whiny and childish as I try to sound in control "My personal life is none of IAB or 1PP or the DA's business. We are not in each other's chain of command; I don't see the conflict of interest. I'm not ready to let everyone sit in judgment. And if you want to be pedantic about it, we haven't even had sex, so we don't have anything to disclose...if everyone had to disclose their hope to have sex with someone in their workplace..."
He holds his hands up in surrender. "Ok Liv, I'm not saying we have to do it now, but we should probably start to think about it...and I think the letter of the rule is "a sexual relationship" which even though we haven't had sex, we are definitely involved in a sexual relationship..."
I scowl at him, "Yes Counselor..."
He frowns slightly, at my childish retort, as he kisses my forehead lightly. "I don't want anything to change either Liv. I only ever thought of each attachment to a unit, as a stepping stone, on my way to becoming DA, but SVU has changed me, you've changed me. I still want to be DA but there's more there too. And given the choice between working with you, or this, it's not even a contest...You're about to be promoted to Lieutenant, I've been the SVU ADA for a couple of years now, I'm not sure this situation has ever been encountered...there have definitely been detectives and ADA's but...maybe they won't make one of us move? And if they do, I'll take a transfer...realistically I probably wouldn't be at SVU forever anyhow..."
"Not yet Rafael...I know we will need to do it eventually, but it's too much right now..."
He nods softly, agreeing to drop it for now.
'When I look into your eyes
I can see a love restrained
But darlin' when I hold you
Don't you know I feel the same
Nothin' lasts forever
And we both know hearts can change
And it's hard to hold a candle
In the cold November rain'
I feel childish for not even wanting to discuss it, but it really does feel like too much. I already feel like I can't control my mouth, that way too much, deeply, personal, stuff is being revealed, to even consider this extra revelation. I know from sorry, personal, experience how necessary it is, but it is one of the few things I feel truly in control of, as everything else seems to spin wildly away from me.
'We've been through this such a long long time
Just tryin' to kill the pain, oo yeah
But love is always coming and love is always going
And no one's really sure who's lettin' go today
Walking away
If we could take the time
To lay it on the line
I could rest my head
Just knowin' that you were mine
All mine
So if you want to love me
Then darlin' don't refrain
Or I'll just end up walkin'
In the cold November rain'
As I look at the man beside me, I find my mouth overpowering my mind as it forces my boundaries even further...
"So what words do you use...?" I softly ask him.
He gently pulls me back against him, interlacing his fingers with mine, "About sex?" he asks softly as I nod, unable to keep from chewing my lip nervously, "I'm not sure, really Liv, I guess I haven't really talked about sex a lot in recent times...there hasn't been a need to...I haven't had a partner..."
I kiss his hand lightly.
"It's not something I suppose I've really ever talked about very much... I'm wary of using the vocabulary we use at work...and slang terms don't always sit very well on my tongue...I'm not shy about sex but I'm not sure I know how to talk about it...I'm ashamed to admit it. I think that maybe it's something I've only really considered since I started working with SVU, but how can you be willing to do something you aren't sure how to talk about?"
I nod knowingly. "I know what you mean..."
I take his hand and gently lay it on my right breast, "What would you call this?"
"Your breast?"
I nod in agreement, "He called them something else...He was rough, twisting and pulling..."
"So more gentle touches?...but you like to be touched there?..." The hand I laid on my breast starts to gently stroke and I can only nod as his fingers slowly move around my nipple. I catch his eye and nod encouragingly. He follows my lead and softly grasps the bottom of my shirt, looking to me again for confirmation, before he pulls it over my head. I repeat his action removing his shirt before placing his hand back on my breast.
His fingers softly caress my whole breast, "Are your breasts sensitive to touch, or is just your nipples?" he asks as his thumb grazes the nipple.
"They're pretty sensitive" I answer, as my hands move on his torso, "Does it feel good for you when I touch your chest, your nipples?"
He swallows deeply, nodding as my fingers circle his nipples.
"Is the skin more or less sensitive here?" he asks as his fingers stroke the biggest burn mark carefully.
"I don't think the sensation is any different..." I whisper...
"But you don't really like it?"
"I like that you don't avoid them, but I don't like you to pay too much heed..."
He nods softly, allowing his fingers to trail across my whole breast.
He starts to kiss down my neck, using his tongue on the more sensitive areas he has found, until he gets to my breast, he kisses it softly, "Do you like my mouth here?" he asks, green eyes looking up at me.
I nod as his lips move further down, kissing the nipple softly, "...And here?"
Again I nod as he softly sucks it into his mouth, flicking and caressing it with his tongue,
"Definitely there Rafael..." I almost moan as he switches his attention to the other breast.
"Tell me where you are comfortable with me touching, Liv?" he says as he moves his hands to my neck, softly caressing the skin as he advances to my shoulder and slowly down my arm, kissing my hands in turn before his hands delicately slide back up my arms. They unhurriedly progress from my underarms down my back, to the waistline of my pants, then up the center of my back. Every piece of skin is caressed softly as his hands cover it, until he reaches my neck again, gently swiping across to slide down my front, stopping to pay special attention to my breasts on their journey down my body. As his hands start to reach the waistband of my pants, he moves them and begins to trace up from my ankles, up the outside of my legs and when he reaches my hips he glides them to my inner thighs and traces back down. As his hands rest on my hips he falters slightly, unsure whether he should go any further, but aware that I haven't stopped him yet. His movements become a lot slower, more deliberate, and his eyes don't leave mine, as his hands skim down across my butt, the fingers continuing to make every inch of skin they come in contact with, feel worshipped. When his hands meet they start to move back across to my hips and his nervousness increases further as his hands come to rest uneasily on the bones of my pelvis...
"Trust me Rafael..." I whisper.
He nods tightly, as he slowly moves his hands down. I still don't stop him, as his fingers trace gently over me. All of his attention is directed towards my face as he tenderly moves his fingers between my legs. He softly strokes the covered flesh he is being given access to.
He looks at me in surprise when I don't stop him at all, "I want to feel your touch Rafael, but like this...I'm not ready to take off my underwear...but I want this...
He nods his agreement, as his dexterous fingers elicit a moan from me.
I temporarily still his hands as mine start to trace down his chest, "Is it ok if I touch you Rafael?"
He nods as my hands slide down, "Liv, you don't have to..."
"I know Rafael, and I'm still a little unsure, but I don't want to build up a fear, I'm trying to break down walls, not build more..."
As my hand lightly rubs against the bulge in his pants, I again, find that there is no fear, this is not a weapon to hurt me, this is a part of the man who would never hurt me. And as I feel the undeniable arousal in his hardened flesh, I can't help but feel a small sense of achievement.
"How do you feel Liv?" He asks quietly as my hand stops moving, resting gently on his erection, my eyes slowly moving down to meet my hand...
"I thought I'd be triggered...that I wouldn't be able to keep the memories at bay...but I don't...I'm here...looking at you...and I just feel...aroused?" My eyes meet his, mildly surprised at my own reaction.
He pulls me gently to him, the bare skin of our torsos pressed together as our arms wrap around each other.
"I've been afraid of how I would react to...your penis...He didn't rape me, but he threatened me with it, pushing it against me, he tried to...I have a lot of bad memories around that part of his anatomy and I was worried,... but it's a part of you, it's not the same...it's you...I think you were right though, that position may be important, I feel safe here, you aren't towering over me or making me feel trapped...and I'm glad that I can turn you on like that..." I smile at him as that realisation of my last whispered words sinks in.
"Don't ever doubt that you can turn me on like that...Liv, you are a very sexy, and beautiful woman..." He looks into my eyes as he says it and I can see he means it.
"Do you feel aroused by my touch?" He asks tentatively.
I nod vehemently; almost rolling my eyes that he is asking that question, until I realize how reasonable it is, how even now, I'm trying to mask my reactions...but I want him to know how I feel, I want to assure him, as he assured me, that he has the power to elicit a reaction from me... "My body is almost buzzing...when he had me, I was so afraid that my body would react to him...I know how wrong it is...but I was so scared that it would mean I wanted it...I'm still afraid...it feels...shameful..."
"So you are very conscious of your arousal?"
I nod slightly, my head dipping a couple of times...
"All signs of your arousal?"
I shake my head now, I can see he is struggling to find words and to know what to say so I try to help him..."I know that it's my body preparing for sex, I know it has nothing to do with consent but I was terrified that he'd find me wet for him..."
"But when you're alone...it feels different?"
It is all I can do to shake my head as tears slide out, and I can see that this admission saddens and upsets him, as he pulls me tight to him, kissing me lightly, before carefully meeting my eyes...
"Liv, your body is doing exactly what it should do...For me, to be able to arouse you like that, is what I want...I want to be able to turn you on like that...and when we do have sex of any sort, I want you to enjoy it, to feel pleasure, I wouldn't want to do anything, if you weren't aroused...For me to make you wet would give me a huge sense of achievement...There is absolutely nothing to be ashamed of...Did it feel good when I touched you...there?"
I nod, "It felt really good Rafael. I didn't think I was going to let things go that far, but it felt right...I knew it was my decision, that I was still clothed, that you would stop immediately, if it didn't feel right...it felt so good...I want more...somehow your touch doesn't make me feel as guilty as my own..."
"You have nothing to feel any guilt about Liv...nothing..."
I nod softly "But I do..."
Again he nods, slightly sadly, "I think that will change in time..."
"I hope so..."
"It will Liv...are there any touches you like or don't like?"
I know I'm uncomfortable now, but again it's not the subject matter, that has me squirming, it's my disconnect from myself, my lack of knowledge about my own body...He attempts to try and take the pressure off me, but before he can speak, I stop him "No Rafael, I'm not embarrassed by the question,... I don't really know, I've only really recognized that I have relied exclusively on stimulating my clitoris, I've completely neglected every other erogenous zone on my body...I don't know what I like, but I know that your touches felt good, I feel like my body is a more whole entity the way you touch me...I'm still a little cautious of any sort of penetration though..."
He nods his understanding, gently stroking my cheek, "I expected that, Liv, it makes sense, I understand that, and I know that when you are comfortable, I will be very gentle, with any part of my body..."
His reassurance makes me want to cry, he has said so much in that sentence...he has told me he understands my reticence, he has validated it as a reasonable concern, he has made sure I know he understands that even when he is given permission to touch me, he still understands it is not a carte blanche, he still knows I have boundaries, fears...and when he is given explicit permission to do more, he will be gentle...with every step...
I feel adored...as I hold his hands in mine and lean into his body.
"Do you think you would be comfortable to let me touch you there, with my mouth, ...not tonight...I mean, in general...?"
I consider for a moment before shaking my head, no longer able to hold back the tears pricking impatiently at my eyes.
"Was it something you never enjoyed?"
Again I shake my head sadly as he softly kisses my cheeks.
"So it was something you did enjoy...?"
I nod as the tears continue to slip down my face.
"That's ok Liv...you don't have to do anything you don't want to...ever...and maybe in time you won't feel the same way...but I'm really glad you can tell me... you should know though, it's something I really enjoy, and I believe I'm good at..."
I can't stop the laugh that breaks forward as a trace of a smirk flashes across his lips...
"Really Liv, I don't want you to ever do anything you're not completely comfortable with...And I want to pleasure you to orgasm so many times, before we ever even consider having full sex...I want to know your body well, I want to know what you really like, because I want to make sure that you enjoy it..."
His hand tenderly cups my cheek, as his lips softly meet mine.
"What else do you like, or not like, Liv?"
"I don't know anymore Rafael...nothing is the same, I'm different...It's like what happened changed everything..."
"How did you feel about telling me where you were comfortable being touched, the way we did it? Was it too much?"
"No, it was perfect, I could just do what felt right...and I surprised myself...because I felt safe... And instead of it being stressful to decide where the line is, it felt good, your touch felt good...you felt good..."
"Every time we talk like this Liv, I feel more relaxed, and it feels good to know what language to use...I know it sounds ridiculous but I was afraid of using a wrong word that would make you think of something you'd rather forget..."
"It means so much to me that you even think of that...every word he used was slang, coarse...I don't want to sound too cold and clinical, but the more correct terms are familiar, and don't make me cringe, the way some of the words he used did...if you don't mind?"
"I don't mind at all...Can I ask you a question Liv?"
That question always sets my nerves jangling because it is only ever a precursor to something you don't want asked or answered but I nod because I know it is something he needs to ask...
"After your bath you seemed relaxed but it looked like you'd been crying too...if something is bothering you, a memory or anything...you know I'm here?"
I nod quickly, debating just acknowledging his offer but staying silent, but again my treasonous mouth has other ideas...
"I can still hear his voice...feel his hands...their hands...what is wrong with me? I know it's not true, I know it's not me, but it feels like I have to have done something to have two different men do this..."
He looks like he is about to cry at my hurried words. He just wraps his arms around me and tells me again that I did nothing wrong. I know it is the truth, I say it to myself often, but to hear another human being say the words, seems to carry exponentially more weight than my own meager assurances.
And as the tears start to softly fall once more he just sweeps me up into his arms and carries me into bed, pulling my t-shirt carefully back on to me, before he quickly tugs his jeans off and pulls his pajama pants on, as discretely as he can, pulling on his own t-shirt as he crawls into bed beside where he laid me down. His arms pull me to him and he clasps my hands tightly to him.
'I know it's hard to keep an open heart
When even friends seem out to harm you
But if you could heal a broken heart
Wouldn't time be out to charm you'
"You have never done anything to deserve any of this Liv...You are an amazing, strong, beautiful, sexy, woman...Sleep, dream well, and when you wake I'll be here..." he whispers as he places kisses all over my face.
In these small gestures, I feel adored...
'And when your fears subside
And shadows still remain, oh yeah
I know that you can love me
When there's no one left to blame
So never mind the darkness
We still can find a way
'Cause nothin' lasts forever
Even cold November rain
Don't ya think that you need somebody
Don't ya think that you need someone
Everybody needs somebody
You're not the only one
You're not the only one'