A/N ***I have a question, at the end of this chapter, please? Thanks*****
MrsChilton; Thank you. I'm glad it wasn't smutty, thanks for the reassurance again I do need it. I'm glad I'm not the only one so enamored with Raul...I wish I could find more tracks, you found any? Hallelujah is astounding, before I found his version I reckoned Jeff Buckley had the ultimate version but so long Jeff...
TheBluePineapple; Thank you for the follow, it means a lot.
Shootthephoto: Thank you so much and a little Carisi, hope it's ok?
Guest; thank you so much for taking the time to review, I really appreciate it.
Intala; Yeah I suppose they have adapted the red light/green light thing a bit and she didn't find a red light this time...he did start touching her(with her permission) to find where she was comfortable with being touched, and he plans on keeping doing it because he understands that where she is comfortable being touched can change. They definitely took the idea, I suppose his touch was more sexual than maybe the exercise envisaged but it's what came naturally to him(and me) and as you know I like more elastic rules so Liv just didn't say anything when she felt comfortable, again I'm sure this will change on occasion...and the bath is still very much happening...this little exploration wasn't really planned, she just felt emboldened by her own progress, it's not going to be one time thing, and they barely touched the more contentious areas of each other's bodies, it's just a beginning...As for the disclosure, I think it slightly ambushed Liv, and she's scared, I think she will very soon realise how it needs to be done, and he is right...hmmm i don't think it's the memo that's scary it's what comes next...more suggestions and questions and feedback please? All I can promise is to try and control the mad monkeys...:)
"Everybody hurts" by REM...
Monday started with an early morning summons to the squad by Chief Dodds, as a high profile case fell into our lap. I barely had time to shower before I had to leave, but Rafael insisted that there was no need to call Lucy so early, he swore that between him and Noah, they'd manage breakfast and getting dressed.
Fin and Amanda arrived minutes after I did to brief me. They both looked carefully, at me as they apologized for the early hour, and I handed them both fresh hot coffee that they accepted gratefully while I looked around questioningly, for Carisi.
"He's just behind us Liv" Fin promised as I gestured to a fourth coffee cup as I fielded yet another of Dodds' calls.
When I returned to the squad, Carisi was squabbling with Amanda as they arranged pictures on the board, I couldn't help but smile as Fin rolled his eyes.
"So what have we got guys?"
Despite the early hour and the pressure from 1PP, all anyone was focused on was the case, as we waded through the evidence and statements the guys had taken at the scene and in the hospital.
Hours started to tick by as we split up to trace down leads, and see where the evidence led us. The whole time Dodds breathed down our necks demanding constant updates and progress reports, until he finally walked in the door of the squad at 11:45 with Rafael, demanding that we lay it all out...
Rafael was his usual truculent self as he reminded us countless times that we would need to dot our t's and cross every i as these kids were both celebrities' offspring, and as such everything would be under a microscope...
There was no sign of our personal relationship as we argued over statements and timelines and theories. This easy change back into our work personalities made me feel very comfortable, even as the small softness that always marked out his interactions with me, shone through. There was no attempt to be friendlier or more hostile to each other than we always had been; we were both comfortable to just be who we were at work.
Our working theory was that the girl drank too much, was maybe even drugged, but we were waiting on blood test results to confirm that, and he raped her when she went off alone in search of a restroom. Sadly the circumstances were all too familiar, the biggest complication being the high profile parents who had well-documented previous public 'disagreements'.
As always evidence was difficult, there was footage to back up the girl's assertions that she didn't leave until hours after the other party goers, and that when she did leave she was stumbling and her clothing was visibly damaged, there was physical evidence of penetration and fluids that we expected to match the boy's as he admitted to having sex with her, but there was no evidence to confirm his claims that their sex was consensual and she was 'wild', but also no evidence to completely validate her assertion that it wasn't...The media frenzy had already started, and both sets of parents were quick to vilify the other. All concern for the anonymity of our young victim seemingly forgotten, as pictures of her bruised and pale shocked face were splashed all of over gossip sites.
These cases are the easiest and hardest we have to deal with, our suspect is readily identified and easily tracked down but evidence is always hard to come by and all too often the case hinges on the personality of the victim and suspect, and how well they perform for the jury...regardless of the outcome of a trial, the damage is always immeasurable.
The cocky, un-empathetic, entitled, attitude of our suspect and his flimsy contention that he doesn't need to rape, he has plenty of willing 'bitches', and that she is a 'slut' who isn't 'worth raping', along with years of experience helped sway my opinion to feel he had indeed raped her.
By mid afternoon though none of it mattered anymore, when pictures and videos she believed to have been sent to her boyfriend in privacy, were leaked to an eager world.
A completely devastated young woman, was harangued into dropping her accusations amidst a flurry of criticism and searing rants about the effect this debacle would have on her mother's next project, and barely concealed disgust from her father who suggested a stint in rehab might make people more sympathetic to her 'easy ways', if they think they were caused by an alcohol problem.
I could only give my card to the shattered 17 year old and promise to help in any way I can, as I tried to persuade her to pursue her case. Unsurprisingly, she declined...
'When your day is long
And the night, the night is yours alone
When you're sure you've had enough
Of this life, well hang on
Don't let yourself go
'Cause everybody cries
And everybody hurts sometimes
Sometimes everything is wrong
Now it's time to sing along'
I felt deflated as I left her apartment, with a somber Carisi in tow.
"Sarge, can we really not do anything?" he asked, looking wistfully back towards the window we left her behind.
I shake my head sadly.
"What if we can prove his 'side' leaked the footage of her?"
"She won't pursue it Sonny, it was going to be hard enough when she was willing to press charges, but with no victim, and no evidence we have no case..."
"Can we get him for something else?"
"She's over the age of consent...there's nothing..."
He shakes his head, "He raped her..."
"Yeah...he did..." I confirm despondently.
The young eager detective has aged before my eyes. His eyes reflect the pain he is feeling at all he has seen in his short time at SVU.
"Sometimes we just can't do anything..." I say, hating the words that are the only thing I can say...
"So he gets away with it...what are the chances he does it again?"
There is no answer, he didn't expect one, we both know the stats...
He pulls the car away from the curb and heads back to the precinct in silence.
As we pull in at the 1-6, he tugs the keys out of the ignition and softly whispers, "Will she ever get over it?"
I understand now, that he isn't just asking about her, he is asking about me, about Amanda, about all the other men and women we see in our job...
"She can get past it..."
He swallows deeply, not meeting my eyes, "Yeah but it's not the same thing Sarge..."
I shake my head, "No Sonny, it's not..."
'When your day is night alone (Hold on, hold on)
If you feel like letting go (Hold on)
If you think you've had too much
Of this life, well hang on
Everybody hurts'
His voice is quiet as he adds, "I hate that I can understand why she didn't want to pursue it..."
I don't interrupt; I just nod at him...
"It was a classic 'He said, She said', it wasn't going to be about the evidence, it was going to be about those pictures and videos, and it was all going to play out on TMZ...and she probably would never have gotten justice anyway..."
We sit in silence for a few moments, there was a time I would have tried to remind him how much good we do, how many women and men we can and do help, but experience has thought me that sometimes just being there for each other, is enough...
"Are you ok Sarge?"
His question is hesitant, I know he feels like the question is somehow...wrong. I know he is asking about this case and my disclosure of a few days ago.
"Sometimes I am... It doesn't ever really go away...but cases like this, they hurt...I think when they stop hurting, it's time to quit...A few of the effects of something like this, you don't even discover them until years after..."
"Does it help if they're punished?" he asks looking me carefully in the eye.
"A bit, I guess...it means you're safe...but it doesn't change anything..."
"There has to be more we can do...legally and in society...how is it still like this? How can a woman's rape be somehow less because she's not a virgin, or she wore a short skirt or a low cut top? How can we even have a term for it, 'slut-shaming'...? How can jokes be made about rape? Why is it a women's problem?"
I have no answers, I'm not sure that anyone does. He has made so many good points that just haven't got any good solutions yet...
"I'm no better, I didn't even really understand that my brother in law could have been raped by a woman...Sarge, I'm sorry for that...I can't imagine how offensive that had to have been..."
"I get it Sonny...there was no malice intended in it, but "we don't get to pick the vic", it's something I was told by my old partner and Cragen when I started in SVU...over the years I've begun to understand it means a lot more than the obvious..."
He mulls over my words, carefully considering them...
"So what can I do Sarge...as a cop, as one man?"
"I guess, asking questions like this is a good start, try not to prejudge, who can or can't be a victim or a rapist...you're a good cop, and you're good with victims, you care, you want to understand, to help...be aware as a man, try to encourage other men to be aware too, small changes make a difference..."
"How do you ever trust anyone?"
"It's not easy...relationships are really hard with our job...what we see, what we feel...don't keep it all locked inside..."
"You and Amanda, Sarge, I don't know how you do it..."
"We're lucky, we have you guys around us, we have support and understanding, I suppose we want to make sure that people who aren't as lucky, have somewhere to go..."
He nods carefully, smilingly accepting the gentle compliment, as he opens the car door.
"I'm here Sonny, anytime you want to talk..."
"And I'm here Sarge, if you ever need anything..."
'Take comfort in your friends
Everybody hurts
Don't throw your hand, oh no
Don't throw your hand
If you feel like you're alone
No, no, no, you are not alone
If you're on your own in this life
The days and nights are long'
As he shoots back into the precinct I can't help but chuckle at his slowly returning eagerness. When I reach the squad he is already badgering the guys about ordering takeout because "lunch wasn't very substantial and it was hours ago..."
Amanda grins at me as she relents, providing he doesn't want more of that "deep fried crap" he ordered last time. He quickly tries to tell us it was "gourmet", as Amanda informs him "glorified, greasy, pop tarts with a cup of sugar and chocolate sprinkles are not gourmet Carisi"
He scowls at her... "Yeah but neither is rabbit-food, vegetables are what food eats..."
I can't help but laugh as Carisi turns to me pleadingly...
"I could go for some chicken" I add as Carisi practically beams back at me and Rollins just rolls her eyes as he looks to her with a barely disguised "I win" grin plastered all over his face.
As I enter my office and wearily pull off my jacket, Fin comes in behind me, softly closing the door, "The kid ok Liv?" he asks looking out at him thoughtfully...
"Hard day...but he will be..."
He just nods before turning to me, "How bout you? How you doing?"
"Hard day...but I'm ok Fin."
He looks at me closely, but says nothing.
"Thanks a lot for talking to Rafael. He needed it..."
He shrugs at me dismissively, "It's gotta be hard...for both of you..."
"It is...there's a lot of bumps...but... it's good..."
He smiles at me "I'm glad Liv. He wants to do the right things..."
"He is Fin. And we are talking...he's talking to me, but I'm glad he can talk to you when he doesn't feel he can come to me..."
"I haven't been there Liv, where either of you is...I may not have answers but I'm always here to listen..."
I nod gratefully, "I know, and it means a lot...to both of us..."
"So you have Rafael talking to me, and me talking to Amanda, and her talking to me, who are you talking to Liv?
"All of you, Fin...I can't do this alone...I still hate to admit it, it still feels weak, but I can't..."
He nods approvingly.
"So I heard some news from my corrections guy..."
I can't help the sharp intake of breath.
"It's nothing like that Liv...it's just some details about how he died...I don't know if you need to know or if you even should...but it's not my call to make, it's yours...I have them...think about it and let me know..."
"I don't know Fin...do I want to know?"
Again he answers with a shrug..."What do you hope to get from them?"
Now it's my turn to shrug, "I don't know. At first I wanted him to suffer more, to feel some of what he put so many women through...but..." my words fail me and I just shake my head...he looks at me, with laser focus as I try to put it into words... "no one deserves that... not even him. It's all part of a vicious cycle, it has to be stop somewhere..."
He nods softly, "Liv, he was an ex CO, rapist..."
I know he is gently cautioning me, and I try not to allow myself to speculate if he is trying to prepare me for the post mortem and investigation preliminary results as he says this.
"I know Fin, I can't change what happened, no more than I ever can, but I won't allow myself to wish it, I won't give him even more of who I am...he is gone..."
He swallows deeply as he quietly echoes my words, "He is gone..."
"I'm not sure that hiding from the truth whatever it is, is good either though..." I add thoughtfully.
"Did you want to know Fin?"
He nods definitely. "Yeah I did. I needed to know how it happened..."
"Did it help? How do you feel?"
He shrugs in slight frustration, "It didn't change anything in any big way...I didn't feel much really...but it is an end. I have a good picture in my head of what happened...and I hope he burns in a special kind of hell"
"And how are you Fin?"
"Doing ok Liv." He assures softly and I can see he means it, "Something has been on my mind...you don't have to answer if you don't want to...but if I'd been too late, if I hadn't gotten there before...would you have told me? I don't mean would you have reported it, or told Stabler or any of them, would you have told me? Would you have gotten medical help? I only ask because I saw the bruise on your face and you said Melinda checked you out...How many other bruises were there after what he did?...I just need to know that you would have looked after yourself...?"
"I think I would have gotten whatever medical help I needed...I knew my ribs were sore and I'd loads of cuts and bruises, I reckoned the ribs weren't broken so I wasn't too worried...the pain, it kind of reminded me I'd survived it...but I really think I would have gotten medical help...if I needed it, no matter what..."
He nods, his relief evident, as I understand he is asking about Lewis too, he still knows I'm keeping secrets about what happened in the four days he had me, he doesn't want to intrude but he wants to know I would get medical help if I needed to.
"I've always gotten medical help when I've needed it Fin."
I know he has asked all he ever will, about that subject, the door is always open should I want to talk to him, but he has gotten the answer he needed, and he believes me.
"I don't know if I would have told you... I don't think I could have hidden it from you really...and I like to think I would have told you, but I really don't know. If you had asked me before I went into Sealview, I would have said I would never allow someone to sexually assault me without pressing charges. I would have said I'd never keep that secret from my best friend, my partner,...but when it happens it doesn't feel anything like you expect it to...You think that you know too much to feel guilty and shameful, but you can't avoid it...
I know the state I was in when you found me, I can only imagine it would have gotten so much worse if...or I may have completely shut down, like I started to, in the beach house or the granary, and I don't think I could have hidden it from you, even if I wanted to, I wouldn't have been able to..."
"Ok..." is all the answer I get but I can see he is happy with my attempt to answer the question. I'm not quite sure why that question was on his mind or what precipitated it, but it clearly wasn't a question of whether I trusted him with the information, it was something else.
He heads towards the door, "I'll keep an eye on the kid" he promises as he reaches for the handle, "And take your time deciding about the results, I have them..."
'When you think you've had too much of this life to hang on
Well, everybody hurts sometimes
Everybody cries
Everybody hurts sometimes
And everybody hurts sometimes
So hold on, hold on
Hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on
Everybody hurts'
A/N So what does anybody think about the results of the post mortem and preliminary investigation into Harris' death, does Liv want to know? I can't decide...
And what's everyones feeling on what they should be? He died of a heart attack but what caused it? I'm very torn between it just being a regular, bad lifestyle catching up heart attack or if he should have been trying to fight off an attack or been trying to attack someone...? I can't decide which way to go, my head wants it to be very unremarkable but my heart wants something more? Please let me know?