A/N As you can see I'm still dithering about Harris, so don't be shy to keep sharing your opinions, even after I do make a decision, feel free to comment...

FicFriend; Thank you, it might have seemed like it's forgotten in recent chapters but what happened at the start of the story is still playing it's part, so thank you for acknowledging it. Thank you so much for your feedback on the detail of Harris' death, I'm still very unsure about it, as you rightly point out it says a lot about her attempt to heal but I am also worried it is an attempt to hide too... I'm glad you believe my Carisi, I'd like to know a lot more about him but I don't want to ignore him, he is part of Liv's team...Everybody hurts is such a sad song...but yet it is somehow really reassuring...

Shootthephoto; Yeah my gut wants it to be unremarkable too, but still...I'm really conflicted.
Hahahaha, i gave the monkeys the bananas but you don't wanna compliment them or they might go nuts...I'm glad you liked Carisi...

MrsChilton; Yeah I've seen some pantsy YouTube vids of Raul but I'd love more good quality recordings of tracks like Hallelujah, and if they happened to come attached to video, well I'd just have to cope...;)
Yeah it felt important for Liv to point out that she didn't react how she thought she would, she was an SVU detective, a child of rape, she was educated and had obviously thought about it, but reality just wasn't the same...
Don't be sorry, you have given me a suggestion there that I never even considered, that he could have been helping someone...that's an amazing idea which had never even been hinted at...I'm blown away by it...With your permission, this idea could feature regardless of what she decides about knowing...?
I guess personal experience has clouded my judgement so that in abstraction, it never even occurred to me that someone who did what Harris did, could possibly be capable of kindness...in a real person I can balance 'bad' acts and know that a bad act, no matter how heinous, does not define someone completely, but in the abstract I didn't even consider it, this means more to me than I can explain so thank you...

Intala; Nah the original story is not forgotten, it just didn't feel possible to keep the same focus on it as it had in early chapters, it's still there though and it will not be forgotten...Carisi is still green, and naive but he is trying and learning and growing...I really appreciate the feedback on Harris, I do agree, I really do, but it's still a conflict...

"Fix you" by Coldplay...

My phone beeps softly beside my elbow,

[Dinner?]

I smile broadly, as I quickly tap out a reply,

[I suppose I can wait for you while you go home to get some stuff....]

I barely hesitate for a second before adding,

[Oh and don't forget your swim trunks, Rafael....]

I can almost picture the smile on his face as my phone beeps again...

[You're killing me, Liv, it's not quite 5pm...how long do I have to wait?]

I feel like a teenager again, as I type back...

[Work faster...]

I hold the phone tightly to me as he types back

[You too...See you about 7-7:30?]

I attempt to push the phone aside again, but as I look at the progress I have made on the seemingly, ever-growing, paper mountain that appears to have made its home on my desk, I recognize that it is comparatively small today, and I have been in since very early,... I decide to finish off the current, small, sub-pile and go home to see my son.

The clock is only ticking past 5:30pm as I pick up my coat and tell the guys to head home. They all gratefully start to move, the early morning start, beginning to tell in their slow, tired movements.

"Really well done today Guys, under a lot of pressure, everyone did all I could have asked, you all behaved professionally and calmly despite how hard it was...go home, it will all still be here tomorrow,... and thank you..."

They all smile back at me, they start to plan a quick beer and some dinner, immediately extending an invitation to me, I politely decline and a small smile passes between Fin and Amanda as I take my leave.

Despite the New York rush hour traffic, I am home by a few minutes past 6pm and I'm just in time to bathe Noah as he chatters away.

His speech is really starting to improve and it feels like every day, I can understand more and more of his babbling chatter. I really begin to relax while I bathe my growing baby boy, and can't help a quick projection of the bath I hope to take later on this evening, but every moment with my toddler is precious, and I quickly push aside the thoughts and live in the current moment.

We play for nearly an hour and start story time as he tries to fight the yawns that distract his attention. As he happily curls up beside me in his bed, with his sippy cup of milk, and his monkey and dinosaur beside him, he tiredly points at the characters in his book until we turn the last page over. He mirrors the movement of the page as he turns onto his side handing me his cup. As I kiss him goodnight, he puts his hand under his ear and lets his eyes close.

I can't watch him fall asleep without thinking how lucky I am that he is so happy to go to bed, how easily and contentedly he falls asleep. As I watch him settle, I can't stop the silent wish that sleep always comes so easily for him...

I have only just walked out of his room when my phone beeps softly...

[Be there in about 10 minutes...just made a quick stop]

As promised, ten minutes later there is a gentle tap on the door, and Rafael makes his way in with his usual bag, suit bag, his briefcase and a paper bag. I immediately lose all interest in whatever he has bought, as he pulls me into his arms. He starts to softly kiss me and his hands gently run through my hair...

"Nope, you gotta eat your dinner before you get any dessert Rafael..." I tease pulling away...

His face is an absolute picture, as the unflappable Rafael Barba is left speechless...

Within a second or two, he has recovered and quietly mutters something about me being the death of him again...

We decide on dinner and place our order, as we lament the turn our earlier case took.

"I hate the phrase Liv...but this case was always a dog... she deserved so much more than...nothing...though."

"I know..."

He can sense I'm not ready to talk about it anymore, so he easily changes the subject, "So me and Noah managed to get breakfast and get dressed this morning", he teases.

"So I see...I was a little worried I'd come home to find him a mini three piece suit with a horrifically bright shirt and tie combo..."

He looks at me in mock disgust, "Firstly none of my shirt and tie combos are horrific...they are suave and sophisticated...and secondly, he'd be so cute..."

I chuckle loudly, "First off, suave and sophisticated? And second, I would pay money to see you try and get Noah into a suit, he pulled off a shirt the other day as I was trying to dress him, because he wanted a different one...so good luck...and THIRD, I never even mentioned the suspenders..."

As I say the word I gently pull the suspenders of the day from behind his vest and let them snap back against his chest.

"You're a cruel woman Liv...and these are some of my favorites..." he says as he opens his vest to show me the pink and purple patterned suspenders...

I hear the door go, as our dinner arrives and as I go to answer it, I turn back to tell him "Saved by the bell...You can strip for me later Counselor, dinner is here..."

He shakes his head and all I can hear is "death of me..." as he smiles.

We dive into the food happily; he has ordered steak, asparagus and mashed potatoes, while I have a baked potato, broccoli and chicken wrapped in parma ham and mushroom sauce. We both feed the other tastes of everything until we are full.

As we tidy up after dinner, I turn to him, winding my arms around his waist, "So...how about we take a bath Rafael?"

He brushes my hair from my face..."How do we do this Liv?"

I shrug lightly, "Same as we have done any other time we've messed around..."

He frowns at me and I realize he meant the logistics of how do we get changed into the swimwear we have agreed to wear, and do we redress...things like that...

"I'm sorry Rafael, that was a bit dumb, I didn't think...I could change in the bedroom, you could change in the bathroom? I think I might just wrap a towel around me until I get into the bath, I might feel a little exposed otherwise..."

He nods at me, "And are you happy for me to do the same of would you prefer if I put some clothes back on...?"

"No you don't have to put clothes back on..."

He picks up the paper bag that had caught my attention on his arrival, and his bag, and heads to the bathroom, I can hear the bath running almost immediately and I smile as I head into my room.

I slowly undress, looking to the mirror, trying to continue to make myself more comfortable, at every opportunity. As I pull on the bikini top, it feels like a bra and I'm not uncomfortable, but as the bottoms of the bikini move up my legs, it feels like I've forgotten my pants and I feel slightly uneasy. As I wind the towel around me and twist the end under, to hold it in place across my chest, I take a deep breath and tap lightly on the bathroom door.

He opens it and immediately wraps his arms around me, "How do you feel Liv?"

He is wrapped in a towel around his waist, but otherwise he looks naked, my breath catches slightly until I remind myself that he isn't naked, he is wearing trunks, and I start to relax.

"The bottom of the bikini feels a little...revealing...the top is fine...I guess I'm just very aware how little fabric is protecting me...I don't mean from you..."

"I understand Liv...you don't have to worry...I'm not going to be insulted or offended by something like that...You look beautiful..."

The simple compliment puts me at ease and I notice he has placed small candles all around the room and a couple of small battery night lights that cast a warm light off the ceiling. The main light is off and the room feels inviting and sexy...

As I look into the tub I can see he has put in some vanilla scented bubble bath, and rose petals litter the top of the bubbles sitting on the water...

"This was your stop?" I ask him smiling.

"Yep" he nods "too much?"

I shake my head emphatically, "I feel...special..."

He cups my chin looking me straight in the eye, "Good Liv, you should feel special, you are special and this..." he gestures between us, "... is special..."

We start to kiss, and I reach for his towel, slowly pulling it off him.

"You're hot Rafael" I whisper as I step back to take him in. He is wearing a fitted pair of swim trunks; they are navy blue and really show off his form.

He can't help the small smirk that flashes across his face and as I look into his eyes the feelings of discomfort just dissolve and I pull off my own towel.

I'm wearing an olive green bikini, which has gold buckles on each of the hips and between the cups.

"Wow"...He doesn't seem to realize he has said the word out loud.

His eyes slowly move down my body but rather than feel 'on-display' I feel adored...

I pull my hair into a messy knot and step into the bath.

As I lower myself into the warm water, I notice a rush of warmth flood through me, which I doubt has anything to with the water temperature.

I'm glad this is not a new built apartment so the tub is slightly larger and deeper than the new environmentally friendly, water conserving, shallow, smaller, tubs.

I gesture to him to get in at the other end, again grateful for the taps being on the inside rather than at one end.

As he lowers himself in, a few splashes of water lap over the edge and we both giggle...

"So next time a little more space, a little less water..." He proposes.

He is too far away so I move towards him and he moves towards me, and our legs naturally widen to move around the body of the other.

This feels intimate and safe.

I let my hand stroke his chest.

"Is this too much Liv?" he asks.

I shake my head and raise his hand to my collarbone.

"Will you tell me where you are comfortable with me touching?", he quickly checks to be sure he has correctly interpreted my actions.

He picks up a bar of vanilla soap and rubs it in his hands until he has got a good lather and his hands trace the same journey they did last night, rubbing and stroking the flesh as he goes.

When he reaches my breasts I reach behind me to unhook the top, "Not yet Liv, let's establish the line first..."

I nod my agreement and let my hands slip back down, until my forearms rest on the sides of the tub.

When he reaches the waistband of my bikini bottoms for the last time he reaches behind him on either side to glide his hands up my legs and I find the image, in concert with the sensation, to be deeply stimulating.

As he watches me carefully, for any sign of discomfort, I have no doubt he is also watching for signs of what I am particularly enjoying.

When his hands come to rest on my hips, he is a lot less tentative then he was last night, as they gently move across my bikini-covered butt. He quickly pulls me closer to him as his hands continue to explore, and his power is clearly in evidence for almost, the first time. I'm nearly, surprised at his strength and I start to recognize how he has been so careful with me, how his gentleness has been so absolute, that I never even began to contemplate that there was anything more to him...

As his fingers gently start to stroke my most intimate area, I rest my arms on his shoulders and pull his head to me to kiss him. His hands slide around to grasp my hips and I scowl lightly at him as he softly laughs and cups my chin. His other hand pulls my face back so his lips can meet mine.

He sharply pulls me to him again, until our bodies are pressed together, touching each other the whole way down. I can feel his growing arousal against me as he strokes my cheek softly, "Is this ok?" he asks huskily.

I nod quickly, and his lips start to move down my neck. He kisses, nips and licks selectively, while his fingers lightly run up and down the entire length of my sides. By the time his mouth is travelling down the centerline of my chest, my breathing is clearly showing how much I am enjoying his attentions. His tongue dips into my cleavage, and his hands slide up my back, towards the catch on my bikini top. He raises his head, looking me in the eye, "Can I?".

I just nod again, as his tongue strokes my flesh, and he pops open the catch. His fingers dance down the undersides of my arms pushing the straps of my top before them, and he allows his teeth to pull the top from my chest.

I watch all of this happen, open mouthed, as my top drops forgotten, into the bath, and his mouth eagerly dives onto my breast, licking carefully around the exposed nipple, before greedily sucking it into his mouth, his fingers trying to mirror his actions on my other breast.

I sigh deeply and my eyes flutter closed as his tongue barely touches the nipple in his mouth, flicking across it ever so lightly...

It feels amazing...I'm not thinking, I am just in that moment, feeling how good this is...I don't even realize that I am sitting here completely passively, basking in the pleasure he is creating in me.

He switches his mouth to my other breast, repeating his actions on it.

It feels like his hands are everywhere, as his fingers stroke and knead and rub along my whole torso and arms.

He lifts his head from my chest, and he searches out my lips again. I can see I'm not the only one enjoying myself, as I catch a glimpse of his eyes, his desire is as evident in them, as it is in the hard flesh I can feel against me.

It's like a switch has flicked in me and I just want to touch him, my hands stroke up and down his chest, tracing small circles around his nipples, not dissimilarly to what I had so enjoyed.

I feel his hand slide down the centerline of my torso, past the waistline of my bikini to gently cup between my wide spread legs. When his fingers press gently and start to rock against my clitoris I can't control the gasp that escapes my mouth. He rests his forehead against mine; his other hand is stroking one of my nipples as he whispers "I've wanted to do this for so long Liv, you are so gorgeous...your face, your eyes, every inch of you is gorgeous...but your heart is the most beautiful part of you...you are stunning...".

His voice is so heavy with arousal that it is deep and throaty.

I dip my head down to take one of his nipples into my mouth as my hand slips down, deep below the waterline to rest on his erect penis. As my fingers and open palm rub lightly against his length, it is his turn to gasp and moan slightly.

His mouth momentarily drops open, and I hungrily seize it with my own, lightly nipping on his bottom lip in between kisses. He starts to alternate the gentle pressure and rocking motion against my clitoris with a light sideways flicking movement, his other hand softly caresses the underside of my arm and I can no longer maintain the kiss. As his lips gently nip and lick at my neck, my hand grasps his penis almost unconsciously.

He looks to me quickly, stilling his movements immediately, "Liv, is it too much?"

"I didn't think I could feel like this anymore,..." I pant and he seems to recognize I am ok, and his hands continue to move.

"Oh god Rafael...don't stop..." I whisper between breaths.

I can see his eyes darken even further, with lust, at my clear, verbal, confirmation of my enjoyment.

I'm not sure how long I have been doing it, but my hand is rubbing up and down his penis, pressing lightly against him, as my hand tries to encircle it. This, too, feels amazing, it's like his pleasure is tingling into my hand and travelling up my arm into my body.

Every nerve, and inch of my skin, feels alive, and is buzzing with pleasure. His fingers never let up on my clitoris, but it is far from all he is concentrated on...his free hand seems to be everywhere at once, stroking my breasts, the sensitive skin of the underside of my arm, moving up the whole outside length of my leg, while his mouth is on my nipples, my neck, my lips...

My nipple drops out of his mouth, as he groans deeply, "Stop Liv...you have to stop..."

"No Rafael, I want to pleasure you too...This feels...amazing...I want to see you climax from my touch, as much as you want to for me..."

He rests his forehead against mine as my free hand goes to his cheek, "You feel so good Rafael, don't stop me?..."

His hand rests comfortably on my breast as his other hand just presses against me, but my hips are rocking lightly against his static hand. His hips are also moving against my hand and I watch him carefully, with a deep sense of achievement, as I feel his erection twitch slightly in my hand, his eyes close and I continue to gently stroke him. I feel him pull his hips away slightly and I move my hand to his chest, as I look into his slowly opening eyes.

I can feel his heart thumping away madly, as I smile at him, reaching for his lips.

As our lips meet, his fingers stroke me gently and I gasp. He alternates his movements, and his pressure on my clitoris, as his other hand plays with my breasts.

My own hand, last night, brought me pleasure, but it was nothing like this, this is...incredible...the sensations...

I can hear my own soft moans and muttered words, as he touches me. I can feel my climax building...it's going to be huge...there's such pressure...No...

"No...No..."

I'm not even aware of the words but he instantly is, he stills his movements as I try to pull away.

His hands immediately move to my face, looking me in the eye, "It's ok Liv, I've stopped, I'm not going to hurt you...you are in complete control..."

My breathing is fast, but not like it was only seconds ago, now I'm fighting back tears and sobs.

I throw myself into him and he immediately takes my cue, wrapping his arms around me as I start to sob. His reassurances and soft, comforting, words don't stop until I start to haltingly speak...

"It...felt...too good...I couldn't...I was just... so...afraid...it makes...no...sense..."

'When you try your best but you don't succeed

When you get what you want but not what you need

When you feel so tired but you can't sleep

Stuck in reverse

When the tears come streaming down your face

When you lose something you can't replace

When you love someone but it goes to waste

Could it be worse?'

"It's ok Liv...It's ok...it does make sense...it does..."

I pull my head back to look at him questioningly.

He moves back from me, pulling his legs tight to his body, "Turn around Liv, lean back against me...", I can immediately see what he is doing and I do as he says, turning around and leaning back against his chest. He wraps his arms around me as he rests my head against his shoulder, so he can look at me.

"Are you ok Liv?"

I just nod, suddenly feeling incredibly stupid...but he won't let me break eye contact...

"Liv, it's not ridiculous...any of it...Did I hurt you or scare you?"

I shake my head quickly.

"So it was pleasurable?"

I nod.

He seems to understand.

"It felt good..." I nod, "And you felt your climax building?", again I nod, "And then you just felt like it had to stop?" another nod...

"Oh Liv, I'm sorry...it makes sense though, I think maybe your mind or your body panicked...for a second, you weren't sure of the circumstances...you were letting go, but in that moment of release, some part of you panicked..."

I carefully consider what he is saying...it seems to make sense...it sounds like exactly what happened, it felt so amazingly good, I was sure I was going to climax really hard...my brain started to switch off completely...and then I was saying "No" and wanting it to stop...

He is watching me carefully as I bite my lip gently and nod.

"It's ok Liv, you've tried to be in control for so long...it makes sense..."

Hot tears burst forward again as I nod.

"Don't feel discouraged Liv, this is still a huge progression...and now we know, that we need to do something to keep you in the moment when you start to feel close to climaxing...I could talk to you? Make sure to look at you? Maybe stroke your face?"

'High up above or down below

When you're too in love to let it go

But if you never try you'll never know

Just what you're worth'

"How do you know these things?", I ask through my tears...

"I've been reading anything I could find for a while, Liv, researching as much as I could...since we first kissed really...so that I would be a bit more educated, if I ever got a chance with you...there is nowhere near enough out there that I can find, but I did find bits, one woman said that she was afraid of sex until her partner did some of these things, it made her feel more 'in the moment'...it's not exactly the same, but maybe it's similar enough that it would help...and I've read somewhere that when you try to just feel, when you switch off your thinking...your mind and body can panic..."

I sniffle loudly..."I hate this...I hate that all this is necessary...I felt so much pleasure...I can't make myself feel like that...I knew I was about to climax hard...I was excited...I wanted to feel it..."

He can't help the relieved smirk at my words..."Rafael, it felt like I had found my way through it, like my whole body was on the same page for once...I felt...sexual...and sexy...and when you climaxed from my touch...god I just wanted to jump you...right there and then...and it really felt like I could...I didn't care how wet I was, or how turned on I was, I wasn't feeling guilty or ashamed..."

His hands rub my arms comfortingly, as his arms gently squeeze me tight to him...

"Listen to your own words Liv, you have made huge progress, you can't hope to fix it all in one go...you weren't hurt in one five minute period...you can't heal in it either..."

I nod softly as I begin to see beyond the despair...

'Tears stream down your face

When you lose something you cannot replace

Tears stream down your face'

"Are you sure...that touching me like that...that my reaction...was ok?" he asks quietly.

I take his face in my hands and kiss him deeply... "It was a lot more than ok...I really enjoyed it...I want to pleasure you as much as you want to pleasure me...I was cursing your swim trunks for getting in my way..."

He rolls his eyes but before he can speak I do, "Let me guess, I'm going to be the death of you again?"

"Oh you have no idea Liv..."

"Yes I do Rafael, I really do...and I'm up for it, what a way to go..."

"...death of me...I'm telling you..."

It's my turn to smirk at him.

"C'mon Liv, this water is getting cold and I'm reckoning that a lot of it is on the bathroom floor after all that..."

As we step out of the bath and he tenderly wraps a towel around my shoulders, I make a snap decision,

"Rafael, you're right I think we do need to talk about disclosing our relationship...and Fin got some more information on Harris' death, I don't know what to do,... I need some advice and help deciding..."

'Tears stream down your face

I promise you I will learn from my mistakes

Tears stream down your face

And I

Lights will guide you home

And ignite your bones

And I will try to fix you'