A/N Guests; Thank you so much for taking the time,it is hugely appreciated.
MrsChilton; Thank you so much...i'm glad it makes sense. He was really trying...
I must Google that PBS special...It really did help...I didn't realise how deeply this mattered...thank you so much for letting me borrow it and I'm sorry...
"Rafael, you're right I think we do need to talk about disclosing our relationship...and Fin got some more information on Harris' death, I don't know what to do,... I need some advice and help deciding..."
He nods immediately but I can see he is slightly shaken by my mention of Harris. He clearly hasn't heard whatever information Fin has, and I can't decide if I'm disappointed or glad about this.
If he knew what the information was, he could factor that into helping me make a decision...but I'm also glad somehow, that the information is still under my control...
He gently pulls my hair out of the knot it had been pulled into, and runs his fingers through it. He starts to dry me off, softly toweling the skin of my upper body and arms with great care. Again, I feel adored, as he places small kisses all over me after he dries my skin.
He drops to his knees and repeats the process, as he dries first up one leg, tracing small kisses behind the towel before moving to the other one.
The irony doesn't escape me that as he dries me with such tenderness, he is simultaneously causing the opposite reaction in the part of my body he doesn't dry. As he completes his task and wraps a dry towel around me, I steal his idea and start to towel his chest.
He tries to take the towel from me, but I refuse, "I like this idea...I'm stealing it..."
I'm surprised at how erotic this is...such a mundane task has become an intensely intimate, and pleasurable experience.
As I dry his body, my kisses are much less innocent than his were, as I use my tongue to caress his skin. When I finish drying his torso and arms he gently pulls the towel from my hand, "As much as I am really enjoying this Liv, you want to talk...we have plenty of time to finish this some other time..."
I sigh as I am forced to concede that he is right.
"You're right Rafael..." something about the way I say it, hints to him that there is more I want to say.
He stops drying his thigh and looks at me questioningly, "Liv, you can say or ask anything..."
I'm somehow nervous now, and unsure...
He pulls me gently into his arms, "What is it Liv? What are you thinking?"
When I look into his sparkling green eyes, the words just tumble out, "We need to finish drying off and dressing because we do need to talk, I need to talk...but, can I...I mean would you..." I take a deep breath, "I haven't really seen...a naked man...since before...I'm worried..."
He thinks for a moment, "You want to see me?" he asks quietly.
"I know it's a bit weird, but maybe, like this, when there's no expectation..." my words tail off, before I realize the implication of them, "I don't mean expectation from you...I mean before it feels like another failure if I'm a bit..." I shrug.
He tenderly caresses my cheek, "It's not weird, and I understood what you meant, that's actually a really good idea...it takes some of the pressure off, if you are familiar with my body before either of us have any expectations."
He dips his head to try and catch my eye, "I'm not comfortable taking my bikini off..." I whisper, embarrassed.
"That's ok Liv...I'm so glad that you can tell me that..."
He gently guides my hands to the waistband of his trunks as he looks into my eyes, "As I'm sure you can see, I'm still partly erect, so we can wait til another time if you'd be more comfortable?"
I shake my head, "Are you sure you don't mind, I know it's a bit weird...?'
"I don't mind at all Liv, I'm very comfortable here, with you...I'm not particularly shy, I just didn't want to change in front of you without your permission..."
I meet his eyes as I nod softly. I knew he was careful about changing in front of me,... for me.
I take a deep breath and push his trunks down, not letting my eyes leave his face. When they are about halfway down his thighs they fall away and he steps out of them.
He gently takes my hand in his, saying nothing, content to just hold my hand and wait for me.
We are pretty much the same height and we are both standing, so he is not towering over me, I am not trapped or beneath him, he is not threatening me, he would not hurt me...
I was so worried about touching him, but not long ago I was happily rubbing him to climax, so it feels silly to be afraid to look down now.
I let out a very controlled breath and suck in another deep one as he takes a small step back, still holding my hand tightly, making it easier for me to see him, when I am ready.
He holds one of my hands, and I place my other one on his chest, over his heart, as I let my eyes slowly move down his body.
I take a shaky breath and force my eyes down the last little bit.
He is still erect. He's bigger than I realized...
I clamp my eyes shut, as memories try to interject.
"It's ok Liv, I won't hurt you, I won't ever hurt you, I can cover up if you want me to..."
I shake my head and it feels like my legs are shaking too.
I try to calm myself, forcing my eyes open again. I can feel his heart speed up under my hand, as he squeezes the hand he is holding.
"Don't push yourself Liv if it's too much?"
I'm still fighting memories as I again look at him, but the memories are more distant, less acute...
He's a good-looking guy and his body is lovely, and as I start to calm, I can accept all of him, much better.
"Are you ok Liv?" he asks softly, unsure how to interpret my silence.
I nod, "I guess I knew that it would be hard to see you...at first...without seeing...something else..."
I see his jaw clench tightly as he processes my words. I can see how desperately he wants to ask questions and I can see him battle not to.
I take another step back to see him as a whole being...this is so much easier, I'm seeing him, not just a part of his anatomy that scares me a little, no matter how hard I try not to let it.
As I look at the man before me, it feels like I'm seeing him as a whole being for the first time, instead of a collection of parts, and I can begin to admit to myself how scared I have really been. I've been trying to minimize how much fear and unease have all been wrapped up in just one body part, even to myself. It was never really a conscious decision, but it feels like a penis has somehow come to symbolize all the pain. I have no fear of Rafael, and I know no part of him is a threat to me, but I am finding it hard to break the connotations that this part, of even him, has for me.
It felt so good to be able to touch him, there, and now to look at his naked form, it reminds me that this is another step forward, but I still recognize that I have not lost that uneasy link that has grown up between an innocent body part and horror. It feels as ridiculous as blaming every gun for Johnny D's courtroom meltdown...
I know the admission of my feelings, even silently, to myself, is a good beginning. As is seeing the man before me, the whole man, not just the caring face with a razor sharp mind, the gentle hands, the nice shape, the fabulous mouth and tongue, and a hard penis, he is so much more than just all those parts... I find myself eager to really explore this whole man in a way I haven't before now.
"You're a really good looking man Rafael"
My words barely register as he is still internally fighting himself over my last words.
"I know it's not fair Rafael, you deserve some sort of explanation of what I said...but I can't now...and I can't promise I'll be able to tomorrow, or even next week,...I'm sorry but it's locked away too deep..."
His brow is furrowed deeply and I can see how difficult this is for him, so I try to give him something, anything, to calm the pain I can see.
"You know that Harris..." his name is a whisper, "tried to pull my mouth onto...him..."
He nods tightly.
"And Lewis..." another whisper, "he... sexually assaulted me...many times over the four days..."
I can see the lawyer in him, trying to narrow the legal parameters of sexual assault in conjunction with my previous words, to try and understand what I am attempting to tell him.
"You chose your words very carefully Liv?"
I nod, and I know that he is mentally discounting things that I could have described in a different term, but it seems to be little comfort to him.
I'm trying to mirror his mental wrangling, and from all of our sexual assault cases, and our intimate knowledge of the law, I know that he is in the right area now.
"I know you want to know Rafael, that you need to know...but I can't. You know what I'm saying, you don't have the detail, but you understand?"
He closes his eyes in an attempt to dismiss the images I have conjured, and nods sharply.
I kiss the hand that holds mine.
"The memories tried to push their way out, and maybe for a second they did...but this is you...it's not the same, and I know that...I just need a little time to become more comfortable...but this is good, this way I'm seeing you as a whole person..."
He starts to reach for me but his eyes unthinkingly, dart down, and he seems to reconsider it.
I step forward and he instinctively raises his arms to embrace me, as I cuddle into him.
"I understand your reluctance Rafael, especially now...but trust me to tell you if I'm not comfortable...if I was only in my bikini bottoms now, this may be too much, but with this towel...Already, the...fear...is so much less...I'm not afraid of you, never you..."
He nods again, "I know that Liv, I just wasn't sure if it would be too much...I should have asked, or just held out my arms and let you decide..."
"Don't feel bad Rafael. I can't believe how well we're doing...even with the 'stumbles'...we're so much further forward than I ever thought we could be..."
"You are doing amazingly, Liv..."
"No Rafael, we are doing amazingly, I couldn't do it without you, you have been so patient, so understanding, so helpful...and you are one seriously hot man..."
We kiss each other softly, hugging as tight as we possibly can and neither of us even considers his nakedness.
"I'm just going to put on some clothes, then will you come lie in bed with me? I need some more of your amazingness?"
He smiles and nods as I head towards the door, stopping once more to look at him. Now as I glance back at him, there is a lot less fear, and a small flutter of something very different...and I smile contentedly.
Very soon we are lying in our pajamas in bed, on our sides, with our hands intertwined, "Fin came to me today to tell me he has some postmortem results and some preliminary investigation reports about his death, if I want them..."
"You don't want to know?" he asks in surprise.
"I don't know..."
"Tell me Liv?"
"It's really hard to explain Rafael...I'm not sure I can properly explain it...I'm really conflicted...I know what I want it to say, that high cholesterol, or high blood pressure or any number of the regular lifestyle indicators that cause a heart attack, were found, that it was almost an inevitable outcome, that there was no particular reason for it, that it was mundane and all too common..."
He nods carefully, stroking my cheek and pushing my hair back.
"I don't want to find out that he suffered...that. Or that he was being...hurt...and his heart gave out because of the stress. Or maybe worst of all, that he tried to help someone..."
He can't try to hide his shock as the words leave my mouth, "What? I don't understand Liv?"
"I didn't think of it at first, it took a long time, someone kind of inadvertently gave me the idea...but that's maybe the worst possibility..." I can see he is completely lost... "I don't want him to have been hurt, but over the years I've kindda built him up to be...some sort of devil...in my head..."
As always when I get upset, I talk with my hands and I unconsciously pull them from him. He softly rests one hand on my hip, to allow me to still feel his presence and to try to reassure me, leaving his other hand, open between us, for me to grab when the need takes me.
"I know that what he did was...horrific...that he hurt a lot of people...and that he killed Risa, possibly more than just her...but I know that there is also more to him than just those details...but to think that his final act...was a good one...it confuses me..."
There are a couple of moments of silence before he speaks, "Liv,...I don't know what to say...I just don't understand...I can understand why you don't want him to have been hurt, I don't think I share your feeling, but I can understand it, you explained it really well...but...this...he doesn't deserve your compassion..."
"It's not compassion for him Rafael,...it's the opposite..."
He swipes his hand over his face distractedly, but when he drops his hand back between us, I grasp it tightly...
"I can't deal with the possibility that he isn't the devil I need him to be..." my words are barely a whisper...
This seems to register with him, "Liv..." his voice is thick with emotion, "I'd doubt that it's anything you really need to worry about..."
"It is though..." and again tears start to flow, "It feels like all I ever do is cry...I hate to be like this..."
He pulls me to him, almost lifting me off the bed to completely envelop me in his arms, "Explain it to me Liv?"
"When...Lewis...died..." the words are so soft that he turns his head to my mouth, to be sure he can hear them, and his name is more mouthed than said, "...his death, that his last words were that he wanted it to be the last thing I saw before I died...he was the devil I needed him to be, he showed no remorse, there were no hidden redeeming features displayed, he was evil...even in death..."
I can feel him nod his agreement, confirming he has heard me and understands and agrees...
"...if he had done something that wasn't evil in his last moments, or said something with his last breath...it would have made me doubt myself, it would have felt even more like it was my fault...like I caused it, as he said I did..."
I can hear his horrified gasp but I continue before he can speak...
"I don't want...Harris...to have not been hurt for him, It's for me...he has taken too much, of me, I don't want him to change me anymore...I want to keep my humanity...I can't give it up, it's all I have left...and I can't take any more guilt, or doubt, or blame...I'm not sure I can get out from under what's suffocating me as it is..."
He is holding me as tight as he can without hurting me, and it still feels like he's far away...
"I want to know, so badly...but I'm so scared...I know what he did to me, and to others...I know it happened...I know I didn't make it up, any of it...or make it bigger than it was...he didn't rape me but that doesn't mean it was ok...why does the fact that he didn't rape me make it less...I didn't make a big deal out of nothing ...this was a big deal...but still there's that doubt...and if he did something good as he died...it means he wasn't that monster...and this is all unnecessary...I'm like this for no reason...and I'm making you feel guilty about one orgasm, after all the times I've left you hot and bothered...I've got you so tied up in knots that you feel guilty about a fantasy...and I'm afraid to even ask about masturbating...I'm just breaking you the same way I broke Brian... you're a fucking saint and I can't make it work with you...I can't look at your naked body cos I'm terrified that I can't separate it from him...or worse I'll want you and everything he said about me just being a sexually frustrated, twisted cop, with nothing in her life but sick desires, will be true...I'm doing a job that's killing me slowly...and I can't help wondering how long it will be before you get fed up with being permanently turned on and left like that...and then will you just leave or will you just take it..."
My hands clap over my mouth, but the words are already out, and as he pulls back from me and I see his face, I know they can never be unsaid.
"Are you fucking kidding me?" I can see, and hear his shock and anger in this few words, and I'm afraid.
I try to get up but he won't let me...and now I'm terrified...
"Just leave Rafael..." I demand.
"No Liv you can't say that, and ask me to leave...No"
He's too angry to see that I'm shaking slightly, and as he moves to try and catch my eye, the terror overcomes me...
"No...No..." I can hear my pleading voice as my body collapses in on itself, trying to protect itself as I scramble to get away...and I can hear my sobs clearly in the silence of the room.
'Hello darkness, my old friend
I've come to talk with you again
Because a vision softly creeping
Left its seeds while I was sleeping
And the vision that was planted
In my brain still remains
Within the sound of silence
In restless dreams I walked alone
Narrow streets of cobblestone
'Neath the halo of a street lamp
I turned my collar to the cold and damp
When my eyes were stabbed by the flash of
A neon light that split the night
And touched the sound of silence
And in the naked light I saw
Ten thousand people, maybe more
People talking without speaking
People hearing without listening
People writing songs that voices never share and no one dared
Disturb the sound of silence
Fools said I, you do not know
Silence like a cancer grows
Hear my words that I might teach you
Take my arms that I might reach you
But my words like silent raindrops fell
And echoed in the wells of silence
And the people bowed and prayed
To the neon God they made
And the sign flashed out its warning
In the words that it was forming
And the signs said, 'The words of the prophets
Are written on the subway walls and tenement halls'
And whispered in the sound of silence'
A/N "Sound of silence" by Simon and Garfunkel...