A/N I'm sorry...I've put a note at the end because it's long and I know a lot of people hate spoilers...Maybe things aren't as bleak as I first thought...Sorry this is so crazy long...
"Just give me a reason" by Pink...
"No Liv you can't say that and ask me to leave...No"
I'm too angry to see that she is shaking slightly, and as I move to try and catch her eye, the terror overcomes her...
"No...No..." I can hear her pleading voice as her body collapses in on itself, trying to protect herself, as she scrambles to get away...and I can hear her sobs clearly in the silence of the room.
"Liv..." I start.
"Get out Rafael!"
"I'll just be outside..."
"No, you won't...Leave!"
My already, pale face whitens even further.
"I mean it Rafael...I don't want you in my home."
I know I must look sick, as I stand unmoving, looking at her.
"LEAVE!"
Her raised voice is finally enough to move me, and I reluctantly pick up my bag and walk towards my bedroom door.
"I'll call you in an hour..."
"No. I don't want to hear from you."
My hand scrubs across my face, and I open my mouth once again...
"Just stop talking Rafael, and leave..."
I swallow deeply, attempting to nod as I walk out of the room. I take a second to change out of the pajama pants into the jeans I threw into the bag and pull on my shoes.
I'm still very much in a daze as I close her front door behind me.
I pass the staircase on my way to the elevator, and just find myself sitting on the first step, completely unable to figure out what has happened.
'Right from the start
You were a thief
You stole my heart
And I your willing victim
I let you see the parts of me
That weren't all that pretty
And with every touch you fixed them'
I rest the side of my head against the cold wall, and my hand runs through my hair.
What happened?
Can she really believe she has any blame in what they did?
But as I just think the words, ...I know she does believe it. I know it's all too common to feel these things but...how can she feel like that?
I'll never forget her words as long as I live; she's worried that somehow he is not the monster she thinks he is?
She feels guilty for making a "big deal" out of being kidnapped, held captive at gunpoint, and assaulted for four days? For nearly being raped by a psychopathic criminal who raped a teenager, killed her mother and kidnapped her sister, just to lure Liv back into his clutches. Then he attempted to rape Liv and forced her to play 'Russian Roulette'...she thinks that's not a big deal?
She doesn't think her difficulties are reasonable after nearly being raped in a basement by a guy who beat the hell out of her? Does she really think she should be ok after all of that just because they couldn't rape her? They couldn't rape her because she fought them so hard...
I'm shaking my head continuously...I knew she felt guilt, but god, nothing like this...how can she doubt herself? Almost to the point that she doubts it happened?
'Now you've been talking in your sleep, oh, oh
Things you never say to me, oh, oh
Tell me that you've had enough
Of our love, our love
Just give me a reason
Just a little bit's enough
Just a second we're not broken just bent
And we can learn to love again
It's in the stars
It's been written in the scars on our hearts
We're not broken just bent
And we can learn to love again'
I'm shaking pretty badly and I'm terrified to think of what state she is in?
As a third person walks by me, looking at me suspiciously as I sit on the staircase, I move to head out to my car before someone calls the police on me...
I fall into the car, jabbing the keys into the ignition to turn the heat on, as I shiver lightly.
Her words continue to swirl inside my head until I have to throw open the door to vomit.
Wiping my mouth, I sit back into the car, resting my head against the seat.
She thinks I would take what she doesn't want to, or can't, give me? She can't really mean that...she couldn't cover her mouth quick enough, after the words were out, it was as if she was trying to stop the words, or push them back in...but was that because she regretted saying them or because she didn't mean them? I know the answer, and the sinking feeling in my stomach, and revived nausea, make sure I can't deny it.
She meant them, she regretted saying them, but she meant them.
My stomach lurches and I throw open the door once again.
I want to cry as I throw up, but there are no tears.
'I'm sorry I don't understand
Where all of this is coming from
I thought that we were fine
(Oh, we had everything)
Your head is running wild again
My dear we still have everythin'
And it's all in your mind
(Yeah, but this is happenin')'
She really thinks I would force myself on her...
I have the most vague, insight that I desperately try to refuse, when I can't bring myself to use the 'r'-word. It is just not possible to use that word now...it will not come out of my lips.
I know she needs space, but I want, more than anything, to run back up to her, to take her in my arms, to reassure her.
But how can I reassure her, that I would never force myself on her? How can you prove something that could never happen?
To see her scuttling away from me, in such terror...was horrifying.
I try to tell myself it wasn't me she was running from ...but it was. I could see it in her eyes, she knew where she was, she knew who I was...
Why did I let her see I was angry she thought I could force myself on her?
Christ!
How could I not be angry about that?
But I scared her so badly...
And what was I thinking to try and stop her from getting up?
I know so much better than that. That was just pure, unadulterated, stupidity! I didn't touch her, I only put my arm out in her path...but...I can only imagine what she thought the angry guy in her bed was doing?
I know I should give her space but I can't resist the urge to send her a quick text...
[Liv, I hope you are ok, I'm so sorry for scaring you. I really would never hurt you, but I understand my reactions scared you, and for that I am truly sorry. I'm here when you're ready to talk? At any time? And please just let me know that you are ok? We can talk about anything, we can sort this out... You are amazing.]
I hit send and watch the message deliver.
I anxiously wait for the bubbles that will let me know she is typing back, but the screen doesn't change. I keep tapping it to stop it from locking, in the hopes that those bubbles will appear, but after 20 minutes, I'm forced to admit she is not going to answer me.
The panic is escalating as her words continue to play in my head.
'Just give me a reason
Just a little bit's enough
Just a second we're not broken just bent
And we can learn to love again
I never stopped
You're still written in the scars on my heart
You're not broken just bent
And we can learn to love again
Oh, tear ducts can rust
I'll fix it for us
We're collecting dust
But our love's enough'
Why does she think she made me feel guilty for that orgasm? Or for my fantasy? Why does she think she has me tied up in knots?
Any of those things would be my problem, not hers. Any guilt I feel is mine.
And what did she mean by that masturbation comment? She said she was afraid to ask about it? Does that mean she doesn't want to know? Or that she does and doesn't want to invade my privacy? Or was she talking about herself?
She thinks she's breaking me? How could I let her think that? I feel better than I nearly, ever have, with her in my life. I don't care about a few stumbles. I don't care about a few unresolved erections...if it bothers me, I'm perfectly capable of taking care of it myself. None of it matters... She is much more important to me than sex, she's much more than a sexual outlet. I want to be able to help her rediscover her sexual side because she wants it. I'd be lying if I said I didn't desire her, and that I don't want to make love to her, because I do. But I want to be with her much more than I want to just have sex with her...
I'm no saint. Why does she think I'm a saint...Because I haven't pushed her to have sex? How can she not know that this is the very least that she deserves? That anyone deserves?
I hate that she is afraid of my body but it comes as no surprise. It makes sense. After everything she has been through it would be more surprising to me if she had no fear. She has made huge leaps forward.
'You've been havin' real bad dreams, oh, oh
You used to lie so close to me, oh, oh
There's nothing more than empty sheets
Between our love, our love
Oh, our love, our love
You're holding it in
You're pouring a drink
No nothing is as bad as it seems
We'll come clean'
Fuck!
Was she pushing herself too hard to satisfy me?
The hours tick by in a blur of unresolved questions, until the very first streaks of daybreak start to show in the sky.
A quick check of the clock tells me it's 4:36am. I can only hope she is sleeping, and I decide to go home to shower and change, then head back here when she is up and getting ready for work.
By 5:59 I am sitting in my car again, outside her building, showered and shaved, in a fresh suit, waiting impatiently for my self imposed time of 6:30 to arrive, so I can knock on her door.
At 6:20 my patience are exhausted and I let myself in the main door of her building, consoling myself that she is up and getting ready, and I nearly made it to my own deadline...
As I tap gently on her door I'm surprised when Lucy answers. I can only look at her...
"Oh hey Rafael, she got called in really early this morning. Sorry, of course you know that, does she need something?"
I force myself to speak, muttering slightly...
"Of course, I just thought she might have gotten home for breakfast...no, no, it's fine. Thank you Lucy."
As I turn to leave, I automatically return Noah's giggling wave as he sits in his high-chair, stuffing cheerios into his mouth.
"Have a nice day Lucy."
"You too" she echoes, as a howl from Noah announces the fall of his breakfast, and she grins apologetically as she closes the door and goes to tend to a sobbing Noah.
I try not to let his sobs penetrate my brain as my head rests against the wall, refusing to admit that I had probably left his mother in a similar state a few hours ago.
Minutes later I find myself sitting on the stairs again, as I pull my phone from my pocket, calling her number. The ringing goes unanswered.
I try not to panic further, as I head out to the car. I'm going to the precinct.
As I pull up, I worry about disturbing her at work, so I call her again. She still doesn't answer.
Willing down the alarmed feelings filling me, I try to stroll calmly, into the precinct, immediately surprised to find the squad room quiet, as I step out of the elevator.
I can see her crouched form behind the closed door of her office, and some of the panic immediately subsides. My relief is short lived as I recognize that she is ignoring my calls.
I stride towards her office, carefully tamping down my anger.
I knock lightly on the door before opening it. As she lifts her head from the folder on her desk, I can see she hasn't slept. She is showered, her hair is done, her face is lightly made up, but her eyes give her away. They are red rimmed, bloodshot and slightly puffy.
She says nothing as I step into the small room, closing the door behind me.
"I'm sorry I scared you Liv...I would never hurt you..."
She looks at me wearily, and now I feel real terror, as I look into her dead eyes.
"I know, and you have nothing to apologize for."
It is her voice but it is lacking the spark that is Liv.
"I'm sorry but this just isn't going to work out...you're still our ADA, and I'd like us to stay friends?"
I drop into the chair behind me, completely unprepared for her words.
"What do you mean Liv?"
"You heard me Counselor, you didn't do anything, it just wasn't working...we still need to work together so let's not make this awkward."
Awkward...is she for real?
The memory of last night stops me from showing the anger that rises inside me.
I take a deep breath before I speak, choosing my words carefully...
"If that's how you feel Liv, I wouldn't force you, but we need to talk about it."
I'm quite proud of my restraint, and my calmness despite the storm that is raging full-force inside me.
"No we don't. Just let it go!"
None of this is Liv. She is never this cold. I've never known her to be this dead...
A flash of memory hits me, she was like this in the aftermath of Lewis...this unresponsive, frozen, numb façade was what left of her at first.
This is no longer about me, or our relationship, I'm alarmed for her. What happened last night? Clearly something was underneath the surface that I missed...
"Liv, if this is what you really want...it's not what I want, I want to be with you, but please, you're not your usual self...even if we are only friends, please tell me you are ok?"
"I'm fine, Counselor. Now I have work to do..."
Her head drops back down to the file and I can only sit there in shock. I'm sure now that something much more than I understood, happened last night.
I continue to sit there looking at her.
After a few moments she gets up and slams open the door, "Get Out!" she hisses.
A few heads raise at the sound and she looks close to tears, so I quietly get to my feet and leave.
The door slams again, behind me, as I stumble into the hallway.
This time there are more curious glances and raised eyebrows, but I couldn't care less about them.
I reluctantly pull out my phone debating carefully, as my finger hovers over a number.
I'm very aware that I can't do much more damage to our relationship so I press call.
'Just give me a reason
Just a little bit's enough
Just a second we're not broken just bent
And we can learn to love again
It's in the stars
It's been written in the scars on our hearts
That we're not broken just bent
And we can learn to love again'
"Tutuola" he answers brusquely.
"Fin, I'm sorry for calling so early but..." I have no idea what to say, I haven't thought it through past the point of making the call.
"Barba, is everything ok?"
I sink onto one of the benches as I ponder this..."No, I don't think it is..."
I know I have his undivided attention now. "What time do you think you'll be in work?"
"Bout 10 minutes"
"I'm just outside the squad, I'll see you then."
Nobody pays me any heed as I sit on the bench looking at my phone ticking through the minutes, frantically trying to figure out what to do.
Six minutes later the elevator doors ping, and Fin comes bounding out.
"What's wrong?"
I'm not at all embarrassed about telling him every detail of what happened last night, from the moment I arrived, to the moment I left her apartment but I'm conscious of her privacy...
"We hit a bit of an obstacle last night,..." I deliberately meet his eyes, "I'm not trying to hide anything, I will tell you every detail if I'm right, and it helps her...I'm worried about her...can you see if you think she is ok?"
His eyes narrow as he ponderss what I am saying. I can see him take in my anxiousness.
"Please Fin, if you think she is ok then fine, end of conversation, I don't want to invade her privacy unnecessarily...but if you don't think she is...I want to help her...no matter what...and she kicked me out of her office..."
He just nods simply, as he walks away.
I look blankly, into the vending machine as I try not to watch the seconds tick by on my phone.
He is back very quickly and he looks like he could gladly kill me.
"Barba, what the fuck did you do?" he hisses angrily.
"So she's not ok?'
He just looks at me, like he could rip my head off and the stupid question isn't helping his restraint.
"What happened?" I ask, I know I'm pushing my luck but I need to know and am willing to risk it.
"I went in to say good morning, she looks awful,... so I asked if she's ok, she snapped at me but with absolutely no emotion, she's not herself at all..."
I shake my head, trying not to let the tears out.
"Can we talk somewhere?"
"I warned you not to hurt her" he growls as he stalks off.
I follow him up to the roof and I can't help but wonder if we are here, so he can throw me off if he doesn't like what I have to say?
I turn to him, "I don't know what is important so I'm tempted to tell you everything...I'll try to filter the too much information but..."
"I don't care about too much information, what the fuck did you do to her?"
I take a deep breath and start at the end of the night where I think things went astray...but I'm more than willing to give him every last detail...
"We had a pretty good night...sometimes she pushes herself a bit too hard, but it was nothing big, and we were able to talk about it, as we have done many times...she seemed to feel good...we were lying in bed talking, she wanted to talk about the information you got on Harris..."
His eyes close briefly, and his jaw tenses.
"She was trying to explain her fears, she's afraid to find out..."
He nods in agreement.
"She sees three possible outcomes, it was a regular heart attack, he was being attacked and his heart just gave out, or he tried to help someone somehow and he keeled over..."
I can see him mulling them over, trying to preempt...
"The regular heart attack is obvious,... she doesn't want him to have been attacked, even though he was a raping ex CO..."
"She doesn't want anyone to experience that..." he finishes for me, grimacing.
I can only nod, trying not to get distracted by the fact he seems to share my feelings on the subject.
"The third possibility she said was the worst...I couldn't understand it, she tried to explain it to me...that if he was doing something good...he's not the devil she needs him to be...I wasn't getting it, and the harder she tried to explain it,...she started to say stuff..."
He steps closer to me.
"Like how the way Lewis died meant...that it wasn't her fault...because he was evil...that Harris being "hurt" would just take more of her, her humanity...and that if he died doing something good she'd doubt herself, somehow doubt that it happened,... that she felt like she was making a big deal out of it, that all her 'difficulties' are unnecessary if he's not the devil she thinks he is, that she's breaking me like she broke Cassidy, that she has me tied up in knots and feeling guilty about an orgasm...she made a comment I don't really understand about masturbation, I don't know was she talking about herself or me...she said she was barely able to look at me naked without remembering him, or worse that she was terrified that she'd want me and that would make all Lewis' taunts about her being a frustrated, sick, lonely, woman true...she said her job is killing her,... and that she wonders how long it will be before I get fed up with being turned on and left like that, and will I leave her, or just take what I want..."
I don't even see the movement, but all of a sudden he has the front of my shirt and he is in my face, silently questioning...
"Of course not Fin...I'd never hurt her..."
He seems to consider this as he lets me go.
"She clapped her hands over her mouth, but she'd said it...I was angry, I asked was she fucking kidding?, and she told me to leave...it's happened before, when she has panicked, and we can talk about it, we've made a plan that she will try not to ask me to leave the apartment, but I have to leave the room if she asks...sometimes she doesn't mean it but when she has meant it we agreed on a time I would leave for... She went to get up and I put my arm up in her path...I didn't touch her, but I know I fucked up big time...I wanted to try to talk to her and she was trying to run away...I didn't think...it was so stupid, I know..."
That murderous look is back in his eyes as he glowers at me...
I told her she couldn't say what she had and ask me to leave..."
"Did you shout at her?"
I shake my head.
"I moved to catch her eye, just my head...but she was terrified...she started sobbing and saying no, and crawling away...she told me to leave again, I told her I'd be outside, but she kicked me out of the apartment, I told her I'd call her in an hour, but she said she didn't want to hear from me...I sent her one text last night, I can show you it", I pull out my phone, handing it to him, "I swung by her apartment this morning, well, I sat in the car half the night in case she needed me, and when I reckoned she was asleep I went home and showered and went back to check on her when I knew she'd be up. Lucy said she was called in very early this morning, so I called her, she didn't answer, so I drove here, I called her again in case she was working and when she didn't answer again, I was worried so I came in. She was in her office and she clearly hadn't slept and had been crying, she told me we weren't working and she wants to stay friends but she was so emotionless, dead...I told her we needed to talk, and she slammed the door open, told me to get out, then slammed it closed behind me...so I called you..."
When I finish the silence is deafening.
"She really said you might "take" what you wanted?"
I nod sadly.
"And she covered her mouth...like she was trying to take back the words?"
Again I nod.
"And when you were angry about it, you didn't shout or touch her?"
"I pulled back from her and didn't shout."
"But she knew you were angry?"
I nod, "My face was one of disbelief and I said 'are you fucking kidding me?'..."
"And that's when she asked you to leave...angrily?"
I consider his question, trying to replay it in my head.
"No that's when she tried to get up...I can't believe I did that, it was so fucking stupid...then she asked me to leave, 'Just leave Rafael'...she didn't sound angry really..."
He says nothing just starts to stride towards the door.
I call after him, "I didn't mean to hurt her, please Fin, make sure she's ok, and if she never wants to see me again I'll get transferred as quick as I can, but just make sure she's ok, and if I can do anything or she needs anything...?"
He nods curtly and disappears, as I slide to the ground, and unashamedly let the tears flow.
'Just give me a reason
Just a little bit's enough
Just a second we're not broken just bent
And we can learn to love again
It's in the stars
It's been written in the scars on our hearts
That we're not broken just bent
And we can learn to love again
Oh, we can learn to love again
Oh, we can learn to love again
Oh, oh, that we're not broken just bent'
A/N So first off I want to thank all of you, who have read, reviewed, followed or favourited...it has meant so much more than I could ever explain. I've already admitted that I have had my own assault experience, so I did what the old adage suggested, I've written what I know...I've joked about it being cheaper and easier then therapy, but there's maybe a lot of truth to it. The feedback I've received from all of you has been astounding, and it has validated so many barely admitted feelings and I have been so encouraged. I have borrowed Liv and Amanda's experiences. The characters in both this and "Necessary" have been a mixture of real people who have helped me along, and all the sides of the things that go through my head. Quite often Liv and Amanda have been the more raw 'feelings' side where as Rafael and Fin, and even Carisi and Amaro, have been the more logical 'mind' side...everyone has been a mix of all of it though. with some real people thrown in too, including what I have learned from being on the other side of the equation.
The down side of this reality is that sometimes it hurts...a lot of the character reactions have been my reactions. Sometimes borrowing from past experiences, sometimes slipping on their skins to allow my mind to investigate how I would cope... I've been very honest that this way of writing means I don't have a plan, it tends to write itself...and sometimes the characters surprise me and take me in directions I don't see coming.
This has been a huge example of that.
MrsChilton suggested that maybe Harris died helping someone, and it immediately clicked for me. It made me think of how I struggle to balance the good and bad that is in everyone, in people I need to see as monsters. I really loved this thought, and with her gracious permission, I let the mad monkeys run with it. I knew it was a very deep feeling I hadn't really explored, and I knew the chances were, that it'd hurt, but I've made so many wonderful discoveries during this story, that you have all accepted and validated and kindly, confirmed you have also felt, that the benefits hugely outweighed the hurt. But as shootthephoto said very recently, "the darkness sneaks up and attacks with no warning leaving you gasping for breath and hyper alert with fear", and as Liv tried to explain why Harris not being the monster she needed him to be, something really hard to take, clicked into place for me...
As FicFriend pointed out Liv does bounce a bit in her confusion, between Harris and Lewis, it's not that she can't keep the attacks clear in her head, it's that she is talking about Harris but she has also had her experiences with Lewis, and the feelings that are left in her are different from both attacks but so similar...she can't really separate the effects from one or the other...it has all contributed to how she feels about Harris now. And as Liv is me, and I am Liv, when she was confronted with a realization that cut her to the core, that was truly too much, she shutdown, as I did. And as the feelings overcame her and the shutters rolled down around her, she lashed out. It wasn't only an unthinking, lashed-out, defensive, comment though; she meant it when she asked Rafael to leave.
I can't explain it now, and especially not in my own voice, Liv is trying to explain to Fin in the next chapter I'm trying to write. It felt like she needed to push him away and I wanted to stop, to abandon this whole stupid story, but because of all the support I have found in you, I couldn't leave it unfinished, so despite the shutters being completely down around me, and sleep eluding me, I was determined to write something to end it, for all of you who have stuck with me. So yesterday I wrote nearly 2 chapters to finish off the story, I PM-ed a few of the people who I have regular contact with, to tell them there was only 2 chapters left and It wasn't fixable...I'm sorry MrsChilton, Intala, FicFriend, Shootthephoto. It really felt like that's all I could write.
And when I tried to finish off the story for you all, something unusual happened, instead of shutting down and trying to ignore the pain, I wrote to give you an ending, and the mad monkeys started to find a slight chink. They invited in Fin. And Fin said some of the things that I have been told but didn't really hear, or at least didn't really understand, when they were said, and he allowed the logical part of me to kick the pure, raw, emotion a little...I'm not sure if it is fixable, but Liv can't shutdown completely again...I understand that I've upset people, probably even more with this chapter, but I felt Rafael's side needed to be told, and Liv needed some time, she's hurting and only knows how to cope by shutting down and running...I think that maybe things aren't as bleak as I first thought they were when the shutters clamped down on me and Liv, but the question is, is it too late to ask the monkeys to keep going? I can finish off with the next chapter or I can continue? I've devastated myself with this, but there was no bad intent, and it wasn't a decision, it's just where it went, I know that the hope I find in this story, in these people, isn't mine alone, and I'd like to maybe try to see where it goes? I'll take silence to my question as a stop...but do I continue?
Feilon; If anyone wants me to continue I will try to explain what she meant by he sexually assaulted her...but it will be tough...so try to bear with me?