A/N Intala; It's hard for both Liv and Rafael to be really open and Rafael knew it was a huge deal to call Fin, for him and for her. Yeah there's a lot of unpretty things to be said...the monkeys aren't telling me how that's going to go though...I know Liv needs a Lindstrom visit but I have no earthly clue how to write that...I write what I know and I don't know that...Rafael isn't too proud to ask for help because it is for her...his mouth is his defense and he is truly sorry and is trying to make sure she knows that, but after taking some time I'm sure he will shut up, she may have even given him a clue that it should be his next move.. ;)
xCalliopexPlantainx; Thank so much. I know it was a 'cop out' to try and give Rafael a hugely needed explanation but 'bottle out' of it the way she did...she was trying to say that Rafael could discount things that have their own separate terms such as rape and sodomy, she knows his mind works on strict legal definitions and that he would understand this narrowing down but it isn't really clear. I'd love to hear from anyone, what do you think happened in the beach house that we didn't see? I have my own gut feelings and I will come back to this point, in the story, it will be hard for me though so I'd love to hear what people think happened...'Fairytales and unicorns' it is definitely not, that made me laugh so much, I love it...thank you. I can't tell you what it meant to have someone say it's not a story about sex or relationships, because it isn't, even though it is, if that makes any sense? I love the Liv Rafael relationship, it gives me hope but it's not what I'm really writing so I love that you felt that.
Windsinger89; Thank you so much for your kindness...it truly means so much. As I've said before, I think I need to write this, it hurts but maybe it helps too? I suppose maybe pushing the realizations out is a good thing and after the initial hurt, I'm able to see it for what it is...another painful step towards trying to be who I want to be...but I'm still shaky and hurt...
FicFriend; I can't tell you how perplexed this had me...I gave up and let the monkeys at it...Lindstrom, well yeah she needs it, but I don't know that I know how to write it. As I just said I'd love to know what people think happened in those four days with Lewis that we didn't see...I'm very confused by varying legal definitions in different states and countries, of rape, sodomy and sexual assault...and I, like I believe Liv does, play a semantics game with definitions to twist things to suit my needs on this subject...what I mean for example is that a very narrow strict legal definition means it rules out a lot of things that the dictionary definition includes, if you choose not to use the dictionary definition, instead using the narrower legal definition of your choice, it means you can say you weren't raped when the dictionary definition would disagree... I understand this is a hard topic so I'll take suggestions any way people can give them? I'll definitely come back to this in the story, Rafael needs more explanation than she was able to give him...
Shootthephoto; the mad monkeys thank you...yeah I think Rafael was closer to losing his head courtesy of Fin than he realized...Me and Liv both have fantastic running shoes, and pushing people away powers...thank you for understanding the shields and their necessity...
Guest; It means so much that the rough patch is accepted...unfortunately, as much as it sucks I think it is probably more honest than I even meant...I'm interested to see how it works too, I'll let you all know as soon as I can figure it out ...:)
MrsChilton; thank you. I've no real art background but I do love to dabble in most of the arts(like a toddler, I hasten to add), it's an escape...yeah I needed his POV, I couldn't pull on Liv's skin, and it felt like his voice was needed to really explain it, it's his pain too, especially this time. Her words have to have had a huge effect on him, they're huge words even in a vacuum, but this is not a vacuum he understands them...it's going to hurt tremendously...she was trying to be open not to hurt him...she is trying... Thank you for your words and your openness and your interest in the underlying subject...
I spent ages trying to find the song I remembered for the line
'Life is not tried, it is merely survived
If you're standing outside the fire'
I'm fed up surviving, I, like Liv, want to live, even for all it's inherent dangers. I'm scared but I'm trying ...
"Standing outside the fire" by Garth Brooks...
I'm not in the form for visitors, and as Fin strolls into my office I have the distinct impression, this is definitely not the visitor I want at this moment.
My nose is all stuffy and it feels like I've been gargling on grit, my head is thumping and I'm exhausted and it's not even starting time yet...and I've already snapped at him once today. At least the tears have stopped, but this morning is anything but good.
"So Liv, what's going on?"
I roll my eyes at the question. Why couldn't I keep it together when he said I looked like crap? All I did by snapping and kicking him out, was invite this. If I'd told him I had a bad night, he would have offered to talk, and left me alone when I declined.
"I'm sorry Fin, I didn't really sleep well, and I'm a bit grouchy..." I try to add a smile, but it feels much more like a grimace.
"From the looks of you Liv, I'd say you didn't sleep at all, and you're more than grouchy..."
Fuck being nice so!
"I'm not in the form Fin, just butt out of my business!"
"Why Liv if you're 'fine'...?"
He almost seems to be baiting me, so I hold my tongue and try to content myself with glowering at him.
"So have you thought about Harris' details?"
"I've been busy..." I force out unconvincingly.
He shakes his head at me.
I bite down on my lip to stop the tears that are threatening to break through.
He leaves the silence to take hold, as he watches me carefully.
I try to swallow the resurging sobs, until they choke me, and I start to cough. The tears and sobs take full advantage of this coughing fit to burst out, and as they start to clash with the coughs, it feels like I can't breathe.
He is up and out of his chair in seconds, grabbing me a bottle of water, opening it and passing it to me, "Calm down Liv, take slow deep breaths, don't try to fight it all...it's ok Liv, it's ok..."
I take a sip of water and take deep breaths as he is trying to show me to do...the more the coughing subsides, the worse the sobs seem to become...
As tears spill down my face, he stands up and locks the door quickly, pulling the blinds on the windows that face the squad.
"It's ok Liv, let it out...you're ok..."
I cry bitterly, for at least 15 minutes, maybe more...while he crouches beside me with his hand gently on my knee.
When the sobs start to fade, he looks at me carefully and hands me the bottle of water again.
"Are you ok Liv?"
I nod my head gently.
"What's wrong?" he asks.
I just shrug at him.
He gives me a warning look, that he is not buying that...
I try to distract him by reaching for the water again. He watches me take another sip and when I still say nothing, he waits another minute before asking, "What happened last night Liv?"
My eyes bug out at his question.
He can't know anything, he is only putting my lack of sleep together with the tears, so I just play dumb.
"You realized something you'd never noticed before, when all those feelings were spilling out, didn't you?"
My mouth falls open, there's no way he could know..."Rafael..."
It's not a question it has to have been him.
"He had no right..." I spit out angrily...my fists clenching in rage at his betrayal.
"Yes he did Liv, he wasn't trying to punish you or hurt you or invade your privacy, he was worried about you...and he was right to be worried, wasn't he ...he did it because he cares...we all do..."
Again silence descends.
"That's what happened though isn't it, you realized something that hurt like hell?"
All the fight is gone from me now, as the rage deserts me. I can't fight anymore, it's too hard to maintain this war on all fronts,...I'm exhausted, not just from one night's lack of sleep, but from years of trying to keep it all under wraps, so I just nod, the tiniest movement but it is a beginning.
"What was it Liv?"
I shake my head, "I can't...", I whisper.
"Liv this isn't an option, look at the state of you, you need to talk...it doesn't have to be to me, you could talk to Amanda, or Carisi, or I'm sure we could get your doc ... or Rafael?"
At the mention of his name I shake my head certainly.
"Did he do something Liv?" he asks, and I can see he is getting ready to kick his ass if I say yes.
'We call them cool
Those hearts that have no scars to show
The ones that never do let go
And risk the tables being turned'
"No Fin, he didn't, he's been amazing, so patient, so thoughtful, so caring...he's hardly put a foot wrong at all...he definitely wouldn't hurt me..."
"Ok but you need to talk about this, this has obviously gotten to you really badly...?."
I nod bitterly.
"Do you want me to get someone else Liv?"
I don't hesitate to shake my head.
"So tell me Liv, this is between us...no one else needs to know..."
"He told you what happened?"
He nods.
"All of it?" I whisper...
He nods softly, "And you know how hard it was for him to do that..."
It's my turn to nod.
I take a deep breath, and push the words out before I can reconsider it, "He couldn't understand why the worst possibility was that he died doing something good..."
He nods to tell me he knows that we are talking about, and gestures for me to continue.
"I was trying to explain...I needed him to be a monster, I built him up be a monster... if he wasn't a monster...it's like everything I built on was wrong...like all my progress was built on quicksand and it was starting to give..."
"You know that's not true Liv..." he lets out a huge sigh, "I can't really understand feeling like that, but I've seen enough to get the idea..."
"Stuff started to come out of my mouth, I didn't really have control over it, the words were tumbling out...my emotions were all over the place...I said so much more than I meant to...I said things I never meant to..."
The sobs start again in earnest.
"I'm sorry Fin."
"Don't apologize Liv, why do you think you have to be strong all the time? You don't! I can't imagine how hard this is...how hard it has all been...for years...You need to break down sometimes...it's not a weakness, it's a strength...if these feelings stay bottled up, I can't imagine the damage they're doing?"
With these words he pulls me up and wraps his arms around me.
"What did you realize Liv?" he whispers into my ear.
"It's all true Fin...I really feel like that...like I'm making a big deal out of nothing...like it shouldn't matter, because they didn't rape me...like if there's any good in them, then this is all unnecessary...like I'm breaking Rafael the same way I broke Brian...like I'm afraid of Rafael's body, no matter how hard I try not to be, just because it's like theirs...like if I am not afraid of him, if I actually want him, then everything Lewis said is true, that I am the sick one, that I wanted it...it's all killing me..."
I can see how much my words are hurting him, "What else Liv?"
I shake my head, still trying to deny the worst of it...
"Liv..." he looks me straight in the eye, "You need to say it..."
"He's a fucking saint Fin, Rafael has been a fucking saint...he really has...he has done everything for me...he has been so patient...he has been so good...he has helped me so much...but..."
"It's ok Liv..."
"...but...I really am afraid...I know he wouldn't hurt me...he has said it so many times, and everything he does confirms it...I know he wouldn't hurt me...I really believe he wouldn't hurt me...but somewhere deep inside, I'm afraid he will get fed up and just take what I'm not able to give him...After all he has done for me, I'm afraid he's no different from them...that I can somehow push him to that..."
'We call them fools
Who have to dance within the flame
Who chance the sorrow and the shame
That always comes with getting burned'
He can feel the shaking that courses through me as he lowers me back into my chair, kneeling in front of me, keeping his eyes on mine as he holds both my hands...
"I never meant to say it, I didn't want to hurt him...I'm already breaking him, he shouldn't have to feel guilty, he shouldn't have to be worrying all the time...I'm making Rafael their victim too...I'm letting them continue to hurt people from beyond the grave, I'm doing their job for them... I'm tying Rafael into knots and then when he rightly gets angry that I would say something so horrific, something that could never be true... I was really terrified of him...he was angry but he didn't shout, he didn't touch me, he did nothing to cause it, but I was terrified...he was angry because of what I said but he was willing to talk, I was too scared...I was truly afraid of him...Fin why was I afraid of Rafael? He wouldn't hurt me...And if I can't make things work with a saint...I will never be able to...my trust is gone...my hope is gone..."
'But you've got to be tough when consumed by desire
'Cause it's not enough just to stand outside the fire'
"You were scared Liv, because your defenses are set too high, they always are, your default state is to be on high alert, you've been so badly hurt...and not just once...at work you can cope with all the triggers and dangers, I don't know how, but you can...but outside, its harder...you feel so much guilt, so much shame, you're so determined that no one will ever get the drop on you again, that everything feels like a threat...you were scared because history has taught you, you need to be scared or bad things happen..."
'We call them strong
Those who can face this world alone
Who seem to get by on their own
Those who will never take the fall'
I nod.
"You trust him, but you were still afraid...?"
Another nod.
"And why is that not ok?"
This surprises me. How can it be ok to be afraid of someone you know wouldn't hurt you?
"Because I trust him..."
"Why can you not trust him and still be afraid?"
"They're opposing feelings Fin..."
"What makes you think that Liv? What I see is that the trust you have in him is worth more, because you can be afraid of him and it doesn't change that trust. Unless it has?"
I shake my head. "I still trust him, I don't trust myself..."
'We call them weak
Who are unable to resist
The slightest chance love might exist
And for that forsake it all'
"Look Liv, I think that you are learning to trust yourself again...you did nothing wrong but everything that has happened has shaken you...but it's going to take time... As you pointed out, your private life is none of my business but if you still trust him and he did nothing wrong, why are you splitting up with him?"
"I don't want to hurt him...he isn't protecting himself from me...so I need to do it for him...I'm just not ready...I may never be ready..."
"Ready for what Liv? For sex? I'm pretty sure that's not his biggest concern by a mile..."
I shake my head again, "No Fin, for any of it, for a relationship, to trust someone, to be open, to try..."
I can see him really think about my words, "What does ready look like Liv?"
I shrug.
He waits for me to find an answer.
"Not like this..."
"I think you're confusing readiness with perfection ..you want things to be perfectly normal, to not have any of these difficulties..."
"That's how it should be Fin..."
"Liv, it's not reality...I wish more than anything, it was, but it's not...Lewis and Harris, they both existed, they both hurt you, every single thing you feel is warranted, none of it is ridiculous or somehow overly dramatic...but being ready is about being willing to try...with honesty and a lot of effort..."
"I don't think I can Fin. It hurts too much..."
"I understand that Liv. I can't imagine how much pain you have been through...but is this pain the same? And does not trying, really stop it?"
Another shrug..."I don't know."
"If this is the end, will you miss him Liv?"
'There's this love that is burning
Deep in my soul
Constantly yearning to get out of control
Wanting to fly higher and higher
I can't abide
Standing outside the fire'
The tears that never really stopped, speed up exponentially, as I start to picture him being gone...I nod deeply, feeling even more pain.
"So much Fin..." I sob.
"So why end things?"
"I can't let him be their victim too...I can't keep hurting him...I can't let myself rely on him..."
"Liv, you can't stop the effect of what they did on everyone who cares about you...much as you never blamed Amanda for how we all felt about what Patton did to her...she was never to blame for how we felt and the effects we all experienced...it wasn't her fault...and the damage was done by Patton, and once it all came to light it was done...she couldn't have stopped it, anymore than you can protect Rafael...that damage was done long before now, because someone he cares about was hurt, that's the damage...he was there for you during Lewis' trial wasn't he?"
I nod. "We weren't together, nothing happened between us, but he was there for me..."
"That trial nearly killed him Liv...we could see it swallowing him whole...the same way we could see it pulling you back down..."
"It wasn't the cathartic experience I expected. I know court is about legal justice not somehow purifying you, but there was no sense of closure, or any sense of freedom, or healing, or even any sense of strength at standing up to him...it just made it all worse...it's just a vicious, 'he said-she said' argument where only facts count, and feelings don't matter, in some ways the truth doesn't even matter. I was so glad to be spared a trial after the second time...it kept it all much more private..."
"Is that not hard in its own way?"
"A bit...I didn't feel so on display, but maybe I did feel more guilty, because I didn't have to keep listening to people telling me it wasn't my fault as I was forced to admit every tiny detail..."
He nods carefully taking in every word I say.
"Have you ever spoken to each other about the trial?
I shake my head quickly.
"Don't you think that maybe you should? You both shared so much of it..."
"I think he feels guilty about it..."
"Do you think he should feel guilty?
"God no...he did absolutely everything he possibly could...he couldn't win, but he couldn't do anymore than he did..."
"Maybe he needs to hear that Liv and maybe you need to say it..."
I consider his words...
"It's too late...what I said to him was unforgivable...and I was horrible to him this morning, and last night...even he, can only take so much..."
"Liv, the only thing he kept saying to m,e was to make sure you were ok, he was happy to tell me every little detail, with no embarrassment, for you, he was quite willing to risk my rage for you...he's probably still sitting upstairs...and his last words as I came down here, were that he would get transferred as quickly as he could, if you want him to, if you don't want to see him anymore...the guy is crazy about you, I was even impressed by Mr. Workaholic, only cares about his job, Barba being willing to just get a transfer if that's what it took..."
He allows his words to sink in before he continues.
"Liv, if you want him gone, I'll support you and I'll make sure he stays out of your way, but he sat outside your apartment last night in case you needed him...and if you don't want to hurt him, I'm pretty sure the broken heart he's nursing is hurting..."
This hits home hard...
"I don't think I can...Fin it's too hard..."
"Do you believe you really deserve him Liv? To be loved?"
I get nervous and embarrassed at the same time. This is one question he doesn't force me to answer...
"You do Liv, you deserve to be loved, you deserve him...he's a good guy, but he'd be lucky to have you..."
I can't keep the red from my cheeks and can't make eye contact with him.
"I'm sure he's still upstairs waiting, why don't you go talk to him Liv, you don't have to make any decisions now...I'm sure he'd just be delighted to see you...?"
I want to see him, I want to feel his arms around me, but I'm sure he'll still be angry at me...and I can't blame him...
"Come on Liv..." Fin says sticking his hand out to me. I look at it carefully, chewing my lip as I consider the consequences.
"I'm not trying to punish him, or even me...I really don't know if I can..."
"One small step at a time Liv?"
I grasp his hand and nod slightly.
'They're so hell-bent on giving ,walking a wire
Convinced it's not living if you stand outside the fire
Standing outside the fire
Standing outside the fire
Life is not tried, it is merely survived
If you're standing outside the fire'