A/N Probably not a predictable song but it spoke resolutely to me, "the irresistible force met the immovable object"...Jane's Addiction, "Irresistible force"...

Shootthephoto; A small shaky step forward...Fin is pretty perceptive...as I said, i'm wary of letting the mad monkeys pretend to be shrinks...i'm not sure it's really a good idea...besides I reckon Liv is more likely to listen to Fin...so the monkeys did some searching but they couldn't find anyone to hug, they have no idea who they should be hugging... ;)

FicFriend; god you made me laugh...i'm not so sure about Lindstrom but Fin has got some game...the monkeys are still looking for anyone looking for a hug, maybe Fin wants a hug? ;)

Guest; sorry about the delay...hope it was worth waiting for...

MrsChilton;Thanks so much, I don't think i could have written Liv if my life had depended on it, Rafael's feelings were so important they couldn't be dismissed either and I love that he called Fin for her, even knowing how mad she was likely to be...I do think it's huge for Rafael to even consider a move, he is a workaholic and only someone like Fin could understand that gesture for what it was...sometimes you need someone to point out what's directly under your nose...

Intala; Fin is definitely the wise one...Crying sucks...and i hated her breakdown...The mad monkeys got me into this mess they'd better get me out too...

CityGirl7768; Wow, I can't believe you got through this today...thank you so much for your time. Yeah i've said before during "Necessary" that I wished "Forgiving Rollins" episode was 6 hours long but I think the aftermath of Lewis could nearly have been a whole season by itself...I do think the SVU writers have done well, it hasn't disappeared like it would have in so many shows but i do want more...I love all the SVU characters, past and present really...so i really appreaciate that you like my version. You have to love Fin, Fin rocks!

I'm fighting the fear, as I climb the stairs, hiding behind Fin. If he weren't holding my hand, I'd be running back down them as quick as I possibly could.

As we reach the last step Fin turns to me and gestures for me to step through the door, but I tuck back in behind him, making it abundantly clear I want him to go first. He only nods, and pushes open the heavy door. The sunlight hits my tired, sore, eyes and I have to slam them shut, as my head thumps harder. Fin feels my sudden stop, and he turns to see if I am ok as I squint my eyes slightly open. Through the narrow slits, I can see Rafael rising from the ground. He is dressed for work, but his tie is dragged loose, the first few buttons of his shirt lie open, and a hint of the dark hair on his chest pokes out, his jacket lies forgotten beside his briefcase on the concrete.

Most striking is his face though; he looks tired, and has clearly been crying. He takes a few fast steps towards us, before he seems to realize it, and he slows down, making his approach a lot less forceful.

When he comes to within an arm's reach of Fin, he stops, his eyes have never left me, from the minute he saw me step onto the roof, but as he stands before me he doesn't seem to know what to say.

"Liv..."

He tentatively pushes his hand out to me, palm up and Fin begins to let go of my hand, so I can take Rafael's, but I cling to it stubbornly, unwilling to give up its security, reaching my other hand out instead.

"I'm sorry Rafael..." I whisper.

He shakes his head, rejecting my apology.

"Are you ok Liv?"

I shrug, chewing my lip.

Fin has taken a step aside, he still holds my hand supportively, but he is trying to make himself as invisible as he can.

The awkwardness of the situation is palpable, and it breaks my heart, there is nothing to salvage here...I knew it was too late, I have ruined my last hope...

My head drops and tears gush down the well-worn tracks again.

Rafael seems to have absolutely no control of his legs, as they propel him the two shorts steps to me, he drops my hand and his arms raise to encircle me, before his mind can stop them. He seems to come to his senses though, and stops himself before he touches me, then for a second, he stands there, arms spread towards me, unsure what he should do.

Before I can stop myself, I have thrown myself into his warm embrace, pulling my hand free of Fin's without a thought.

Rafael's arms wrap tightly around me, his hands stroke my hair and back, while he whispers soft reassurances.

"Oh Liv, you're ok, I'm sorry, I didn't want to push you...it's ok, you're ok..."

I start to mutter but my face is buried in his shoulder, and my words are indecipherable. He softly pulls my face up until my eyes meet his, there are tears running down his face too.

'We didn't know that it would blow up

With such might'

"I really don't think I can do this Rafael..."

I don't even realize that as I say those words, I cling even tighter to him.

He tenderly wipes the tears from my face, "You don't have to do anything now Liv...I just want you to be ok...that's all you have to think about now..." he whispers as he pulls me tight to him.

We stand there, desperately clinging to each other, until I reluctantly let my arms drop from his body and start to pull away, "You should be at work Rafael..."

He shakes his head as he wipes tears from his face, "I called in Liv, I'm taking a personal day...they'll cope without me..."

'The stars are even brighter

Contrasted by the night'

I can't help the look of surprise that finds its way to my face. I've never known of him to take any personal time, even after the death of his beloved Abuela. This is what I have done to him, in such a short time I have upset him to the point where he can't even find solace in his work... A huge pang of guilt takes my breath away momentarily.

His hands cup my face ever so softly, stroking it gently as if he is trying to memorize its feel, for fear he won't ever get another chance.

I finally force myself to say something, "You look tired..." as my own hand cups his cheek. He kisses the palm of my hand gently. "...you should go home and sleep..."

He seems to understand I need some space, and grudgingly nods tightly. "Can I drop you home, on my way?"

I shake my head, trying not to see the pain in his eyes.

Despite our words, neither of us moves a muscle.

I know that I have to be the one to make the first movement, as I step back from him on wobbly legs.

I can see how much effort it takes for him to do nothing but nod, in his tightly clasped hands.

"You look exhausted Liv, try to maybe take a nap? And look after yourself? If I can do anything, or you want to talk, you know where I am..."

I nod quickly, fighting to keep my eyes from his, as he stoops down to pick up his briefcase and jacket.

As he tries to pass me, his arms refuse to listen, and once more wind their way gently, around me. I allow myself to lean into him for a moment, trying to postpone the inevitable, until I can't take any more..."Please Rafael,..."

"I'll call you later..." he whispers as he pulls away and strides quickly to the door, pulling it open and disappearing with only a tiny look back, as the door swings slowly, closed.

The agony has built to an unbearable level, and as the door finally shuts, the sobs take over again as I huddle over, frantically pulling my arms across my body.

My own arms have none of the security and warmth of his though, and it only serves to further remind me, of what I have lost.

I want to run after him and tell him how much I want to make it work, to fix what is broken, and it is only by supreme effort that I resist.

It is only now, that I notice Fin's absence. I have no idea when he left, such was my focus on Rafael. How much did he hear and see? Again I'm flooded with embarrassment at my weakness.

'Sent out shock waves

Filled up the outer space

Even the ghost came

To the late, late, late show

Watch us play'

So I try to pull myself together, smoothing my hair down, roughly scrubbing the tears from my cheeks and trying to straighten my clothes. I force myself to stand up straight and raise my head. I give myself a severe talking to, and reach for the door, forcing myself to put on my game face, and go to work.

I reach the bottom of the stairs and stop dead, not sure I can face the other side of the door. I force my body straighter and push through it, before I can let the thoughts rampage any further.

As I step into the hallway, the first thing I see is Fin, he has his hand on Rafael's shoulder. It looks like he is comforting him. I can't cope with anymore, so I turn away, before all my resolve deserts me and I run to him.

I quickly dart for the safety and quiet of my office, as the normal hustle and bustle of the precinct threatens to overpower me.

I make it into the small glass room and manage to close the door without anyone accosting me.

I sink onto the couch that sits under the window looking out into the squad. Before I know what has happened I have curled into a fetal ball across its cushions,trying to will myself to sit up, to act like an adult, but I can't. I close my eyes as if this will make me invisible, and promise myself five minutes, then I will find my strength and get back to work.

The physical exhaustion and emotional toll are just too high though, and my broken spirit gladly surrenders to sleep as it beckons softly, and my thoughts fall into a merciful blackness.

'Ah the irresistible force met the immovable object

Banging and banging

And banging and banging

And banging

Together'

I have no idea how much time has passed, I'm groggy, unsure at first where I am, when I awaken under a warm blanket. As my eyes take in the familiar space, I'm relieved. I'm in my office. As my cramped muscles stretch unthinkingly, I begin to remember, and immediately yearn for the oblivion of sleep again.

I can see Fin working quietly behind my desk, I pull myself up to a seated position and he quickly walks around the desk to me.

"How are you Liv?" he asks handing me a bottle of water and pulling a chair closer.

"How long was I asleep?" I ask through a sleep-parched mouth.

He checks his watch quickly, "a little over 5 hours..."

"What? Fin why didn't you wake me? I've so much to do..."

"Liv, stop..." he says putting a gentle hand on my arm as I try to get up, "For once put yourself first...You have to look after yourself..."

I allow his hand to guide me back down into the cushioned warmth where I have been lying.

"Talk to me Liv..."

"Fin, it feels like all I do is talk and cry...it's making no difference...if anything things are worse now, than they've every been..."

"No Liv, they're not...it just seems that way because you are feeling it...not denying it and pushing it away...but feeling it...this is a good thing..."

I consider this for a moment, "But it hurts so much Fin...it feels like I'm drowning..."

He takes my hand in his, his face sad, "What are you feeling Liv?"

I can't begin to separate one emotion from the tangled mess inside me, no matter how hard I try.

"I saw you with Rafael, when I came down..."

He nods softly, "He's worried about you Liv, he wants to be able to take away your pain..."

"But he can't...no one can..." I mutter.

"No, but he wants to at least share it..."

"Fin, I don't want him to feel any of this...why would anyone want to feel any of this?...Did you tell him what I said?..."

I hate how weak and vulnerable I sound but I can't help the question.

"No Liv, that was between us...and he didn't ask...all he asked was if you were ok, and to call him if he could do anything..."

I nod slightly, unable to make eye contact with him.

"Liv, how much are you holding inside you?"

'Everything went tossing

Everyone was talking

Making up their faces

Wonder what we look like naked?'

His question is almost rhetorical, there is no answer to it...and he doesn't really expect one...

"I know I need to talk to him, he deserves that much..."

"Liv, you deserve it too...and maybe it's not as impossible as it feels now,... maybe you can work things out...I understand how difficult it must be, to put yourself in a position where there is a potential to be hurt, but there's also a potential for so much more..."

I'm just an emotional husk as I look at him; I can't even imagine how it could even be possible.

"He was right though Liv, that doesn't matter now, what matters now, is that there are people here for you, people who have got your back...trust yourself,... I think that you may surprise yourself, if you just trust that you will know when the time is right..."

"But in the meantime, I'm stringing him along Fin, that's not fair to him..."

"What about how fair it is to you Liv? I hear you saying, you need to protect him from you, that it wouldn't be fair to him, that he got hurt last night, that it isn't fair that he has to wait for sex, and worry about things he shouldn't have to worry about...what about you? He is capable of looking after himself. "

"I have to feel this... I don't have a choice...he does..."

"You shouldn't have to feel any of this either, Liv...you did nothing wrong...you don't deserve any of this...you have no reason to feel ashamed or guilty, but I do understand that's a lot easier to say, than to feel...He can look after himself, and from what I can see, he is willing to risk pretty much anything,... he feels you are worth that risk, none of what you have mentioned outweighs the gains he can see..."

'Ah the irresistible force met the immovable object

Oh!'

I look at him in shock, why is he saying this?

"Liv, he told me, when you saw me talking to him, he was upset, he wanted to stay, he wanted to take care of you, not because you can't take care of yourself but because he wants to be with you...It hurts him that you feel so broken, so worthless, because he can't understand how you can't see how amazing, how strong and incredible you are...I know he'd want me to tell you this...but Liv I'm not here to campaign for him, he's not my priority, you are, you deserve whatever it is you want, and I just think that if you were to be really honest with yourself, if you turn off all the pain and logic, if you just feel, you might be able to figure that out?"

He sits back in silence and allows me to consider his words.

I don't want to hurt Rafael...no, that's logic, that's the pain speaking, what is behind that?

I want to be with him, I want to feel his arms around me, I want to feel his lips against mine, I want to see his eyes on mine as he lies beside me, last thing at night, and first thing in the morning, but it's not that easy...

"It's not that easy Fin..."

'We've become a big business

A galaxy merger

The two of us a big bang'

"Why not Liv?"

I look at him open-mouthed, at the cavalier answer that is so uncharacteristic of him...

"Not the logistics or the difficulties Liv, just what you want, why is what you want not just 'that easy'?"

"Because I'm not ready Fin..."

"That's not what you want though Liv, that's another roadblock..."

"FINE Fin, you want me to say it, yes, I want to be with him, I want to be able to be with him...but I can't...and that hurts!..."

"I know Liv, I can't imagine, but why can't you be with him? What does it mean that you're not ready? Is anyone ever really ready?" he rubs my hand gently, his eyes silently apologizing for pushing me, for upsetting me, as he continues to push.

'Ah! The irresistible force met the immovable object

Oh!'

"Fin, I'm scared. I thought I was doing well, I thought that I was ready to try...I thought I was ready to try to be with someone, I thought I could have a sexual relationship, I thought I could be a normal, whole, person...but...I'm not Fin, I was terrified that because Rafael was angry he would hurt me, he was right to be angry, he behaved impeccably, he had so much restraint, but I still think he will get fed up and RAPE me. I think he will RAPE ME Fin..."

"But you don't really Liv?"

I shake my head.

"I'm trying really hard Liv, but I don't understand...I can see how that realization that the fear was there, must be agonizing, I can see how it feels like your fear is betraying you..."

I nod...it is a huge betrayal...

"But Liv, it's not an unreasonable fear, it's a fear caused by horrible experience,... you were lying in bed with a man, who was angry...I can only imagine what that brought back..."

'Ah! The irresistible force met the immovable object

Banging and banging

And banging and banging

And banging together'

"No Fin, I didn't have a flashback..."

"But not seeing it in a flashback doesn't mean you weren't reacting to it, I'm sorry, I really am, but I'm guessing the last time you lay in a bed with an angry man, was probably in the beach house? And I don't even want to think of what you were going through, psychologically, emotionally or physically...I understand it but I think you are trying to protect yourself, and I don't think that's really want you to do..."

My breathing is ragged, could he be right? I know I'm scared, and I know I have been worried about breaking Rafael as I broke Brian...could my fear have really twisted all of this to give me an excuse to run away...?

I was afraid, in that moment, when I realized that somewhere deep inside me, that I could entertain the possibility he would ever do something so horrific.

It really felt like I'd made no progress whatsoever, that I was back in my first days of freedom, when every sound made me feel like I would literally jump out of my skin. The skin that was the only thing keeping the quivering gelatinous lump, that was me, from completely collapsing.

"It's ok to be scared Liv, it's ok to lash out, to do whatever you need to protect yourself...but you deserve to be loved too..."

"How can I take back those words though, Fin?"

"You can't Liv, but you can explain them...and I think you haven't given him enough credit, he probably understands better than you think he does...and if he doesn't you can explain it...he wants to understand..."

"It changes everything though..."

He considers this carefully.

"No Liv, it doesn't...maybe it changes things a little bit, in the short term...maybe you take a step or two back and talk, but it means when you take another step forward, you will be that much stronger, that bit more in synch...I hate that it isn't easier for you, but you can do it, after all you have gotten through I'd never bet against you..."

I should feel weak, for needing his help, for needing to be talked down, but all I feel is supported and understood. Despite his claims to be unable to truly understand how I feel, he has really tried to, and he has eventually understood it even better than I have myself.

My hope is not gone, maybe it was built on quicksand, maybe it did even, start to sink into that same quicksand, but I have people trying to pull me out, and they will not be content to save me, without my hope.

"Thank you Fin...I can't ever hope to repay you..."

"You don't have to Liv, you've always been there for me, it's what friends do for each other...now go...talk to him...and I can still kick his ass?"

Despite all the pain and emotional upheaval, he still has the ability to make me laugh.

He reaches for me and gives me a warm hug, "Liv you can't always be perfect...no one expects you to be..."

With that, he strides to the door and gestures to his partner, "Take Liv over to Barba's..."

She nods quickly, "Whenever you're ready Liv...?" as she disappears out to grab her keys.

"I should really be working Fin..."

"Looks to me like you already worked half the night Liv...you've done enough work..." he chuckles.

I smile at him, a real smile, not a forced one. I meet his eyes one last time as he shepherds me out the door, to where Amanda is waiting, her keys in hand, to drive me to face them man I have wounded so badly.

'Ah! The irresistible force met the immovable object

Oh!

Some may call me a lucky shot

No, but it was not

Banging and banging

And banging and banging

And banging and banging

Banging and banging

And banging and banging

And banging together'

A/N So i asked in a couple of answers to reviews but i'd like to ask everyone, I've been asked to make it clearer what Liv meant when she told Rafael that Lewis sexually assaulted her many times over the four days of her initial abduction, so while she was in the car, the beach house, and of course in the bathroom during that infamous restroom break in the beach house, we didn't see all of that 4 days, I'm worried that my clearly, dark and twisty mind is going down a route no one else is, so I'd love to know what people think happened that we didn't see in the show? If you're not comfortable posting publicly, PM me, I just need some boundaries...