A/N MrsChilton; Thank you as always...Fin is right, she deserves love but she is struggling with those feelings of worthlessness, she hasn't quite been able to see it for herself yet...Yes sometimes our feelings are possible to ignore until someone validates them, and we often need someone to point out what is beneath our noses.
Thank you for addressing my question, yes he did kill and rape people in front of her, and I very much agree that an admission like that would not come easily to her, especially with her squad. I guess I need to have some boundaries to write her experiences, even if they are slightly arbitrary, to keep her experience separate...
Feilon; Your words mean so much, it means I'm not the only one who feels this way...without a doubt she derives a small sense of satisfaction and power from the fact that she can say he didn't rape her...I, too, share the feeling there is a lot hidden...
Intala; Fin has got game! Who knew? I guess it's hard to know what ready looks like?! We all know healing isn't linear but obstacles and slip backs suck. I'm not sure it's wise to let the monkeys run around unsupervised...look where they left me?
Shootthephoto; Fin rocks...he does know her the longest now, and he is just the right mix of ass kicking honesty and gentleness...and I was surprised he almost endorsed Rafael...wow that's a huge vote of confidence for him, it has to make Liv less doubtful about her own judgment where he is concerned. Sorry I couldn't resist teasing about the hug...it was slightly awkward but also heartfelt...hopefully it is a step in the right direction...
Elsamargarida; I really appreciate the follow and favourite...
I'm still happy to hear what anyone thinks about Liv's experiences...even after I make a decision...and thank you for the answers people have given me so far...I'm very aware how difficult many of them have been...
Whilst not a fan of her music, this song is beautiful..."Everytime" by Britney Spears...
"I should really be working Fin..."
"Looks to me like you already worked half the night Liv...you've done enough work..." he chuckles.
I smile at him, a real smile, not a forced one. I meet his eyes one last time as he shepherds me out the door, to where Amanda is waiting, her keys in hand, to drive me to face them man I have wounded so badly.
We walk out to the car and she drives away in silence. Instead of it feeling awkward, or difficult, I'm immensely grateful for it. I know what lies in front of me and I'm so grateful for her silent support. For the way she squeezed my hand, and smiled weakly, as she pushed the car into 'drive', sometimes words just aren't necessary.
I want to see Rafael, I want to wrap my arms around him and apologize, I want to feel his arms winding their way around me, but I have no idea what to say. Those words cannot be taken back. Once they found their way out, their impact was felt, deeply. As Fin said, all I can do is try to explain them and hope that their damage is not too great...but I have no clue how to go about that.
My mind races as I try to find words to explain the torrent of emotions that were released in that rambling, unclear explanation of why I need the men who hurt me, to be as evil as the faces of them I have seen. I still cannot close my eyes and conjure up the image of the charming man, so many saw in William Lewis, or the smiling man in the uniform that looked out of the ID badge and personnel file of Lowell Harris. I see instead, contorted features, dead eyes and evil in the slight upturn of a smile on tainted lips. Men incapable of compassion or empathy, as I scream for help. How can I explain that? How can I explain how I trust Rafael more than I almost, want to, but still think somewhere in the depths of my being, that even he, is capable of such acts?
I'm also aware that I need to explain my words, when I told him I knew seeing his naked body would probably bring back unwanted memories... I saw the look on his face...
I know he didn't believe me at first, when I said Lewis didn't rape me. I felt it from him, but he admitted it recently...I understand why he felt that way, and I know how hard it was for him to admit to me, but in the moment I said those words about "seeing something else" when I saw his body, I saw that doubt again...the doubt that maybe Lewis had done more than I could admit.
It doesn't escape my notice that in some ways maybe this is the truth of the matter, and that Lewis did do more to me, than I can admit...
I've told so many family and friends of victims over the years, "when she is ready to talk she will...just be there for him, let him know you will listen when he is ready...there will come a point where he/she will need to talk..." I always knew it was the truth, the silence can't be maintained forever, but it's only now, as the words need to find their way out, that I've felt it. That overwhelming need to say things I swore I'd never say...
"Amanda?..." my voice is barely above a whisper but she turns her head to me quickly, nodding her consent for me to continue before she looks back to the road in front of us. I know I have her attention despite the silence...
"Do you ever feel like...maybe the worst thing he did to you, isn't the worst...? I mean, he raped you, but that some of the things around that act were nearly worse?"
She nods deeply. Silently considering for a moment.
"Yeah, I do...it feels ridiculous, but raping me wasn't the worst thing he did...it was the seemingly 'small' stuff that was worse..."
I nod sadly in agreement as our demons flash through our consciousness.
"It feels like a weakness, I wasn't even raped...but..."
"It's the stuff that isn't explainable in a one or two word term..."
I nod, once more reminded how she really understands...and how much I wish she didn't...
I'm aware of her reluctance to discuss details with me, and I understand it, I have shared so little of the detail of my own experiences with her, so I'm shocked when she continues to speak after a short silence...
"He never said anything...after...he just...pulled himself out of me...and dressed and left...I don't know what I expected him to say...there was nothing that could change what he had done...but it was like it just didn't matter enough to even pretend..."
I close my eyes to the images that are trying to sneak in, of what she has just described.
I try to finds words, to acknowledge her agonising admission, to empathize with her pain, to confirm she isn't the only one to feel these things, but I can't speak, so I just reach over and take her hand gently. Without looking, she clasps my hand in return.
It seems like in no time at all, we are pulling up to Rafael's building, and I start to doubt I should be here.
She seems to sense my growing doubt and turns to me, "You don't have to be here, Liv, I can take you home instead?"
"I know Amanda, thank you. I need to do it though..."
She looks me in the eye, and smiles sadly. "Liv, if you need anything, or to talk, or a ride...please, call me?"
"Thanks Amanda, I know he won't hurt me, but I'm scared...I need to do it though, if I want to try to fix things..."
She nods and smiles more happily now, at the gentle admission.
"You deserve to be happy Liv...if he makes you happy...I can only wish you luck...and I'm here..."
I nod again and rush out of the car before I lose my nerve, stalking towards the door and inputting the entry code, before I wave quickly and disappear inside.
As I stand before Rafael's door, the nagging doubt, the fear and the nerves threaten to make me run, so I bang on the door quickly, before I can change my mind.
I hear the lock click, and the door swings open, I debate fleeing, but my feet are rooted to the spot.
His eyes widen in surprise at my presence, and I quickly launch into an attempt at explaining my unannounced arrival.
"I'm sorry, I should have asked if I could come over but...I was afraid you'd say no...and I want to explain...or try to..."
He has stepped back to allow me to enter but I'm not moving...
'Notice me
Take my hand
Why are we
Strangers when
Our love is strong
Why carry on without me
Everytime I try to fly I fall, without my wings
I feel so small
I guess I need you baby'
"Liv, I would never have said no to you coming over...I'm so glad you did, I wanted to see you..."
I still don't move. It's not a conscious decision to stand in the hallway but it just doesn't occur to me to move...
His hand stretches out towards me, "Liv, will you come inside... please?"
This seems to pull me out of my paralysis, and I step carefully into his apartment.
As he starts to help me off with my jacket, I lean back against him, desperate to feel his comforting touch, and he gladly wraps his arms around my waist. "I'm so sorry Liv..."
"You have nothing to apologize for Rafael, it was me..."
He turns me to him gently. "No Liv, it wasn't...and we need to talk about it, but you look shattered, we don't have to talk now...I'd be so glad to just sit with you in my arms right now, I can't even tell you...if you would be comfortable doing that?"
His voice is soft, tentative at his request, as if, even this small gesture might be too much to ask...
"How can you even, want to hold me, after what I said?"
'And everytime I see, you in my dreams, I see your face
It's haunting me
I guess I need you baby'
"I can't pretend it didn't hurt, Liv, it did, but when I really thought about it, I can kindda understand it...and I don't think there will ever come a time that I don't want to hold you..."
He strokes my face gently, as I nod. "I really want to feel your arms around me..."
He helps me off with my jacket, and I silently head to the room I know is his bedroom.
He follows me, equally silently, but his doubt is written all over his face.
"I just want to lie in your arms...but I understand if you don't want to..."
"God Liv, I want nothing more, but I don't want to push you...are you sure a bed is the best place for us at this moment...?"
"I trust you Rafael, despite what I said...I want to lie in your arms if you'll let me..."
'I make-believe
That you are here
It's the only way
I see clear
What have I done
You seem to move on easy
And Everytime I try to fly I fall, without my wings
I feel so small
I guess I need you baby'
He takes my hand and guides me to lie beside him, pulling my head down onto his chest, as his arms wind around my shoulders, and his hand strokes my back softly.
"I'm so glad you came Liv..."
"I'm so glad you didn't just slam the door in my face, you would have been more than entitled to..."
"No Liv, I wouldn't...when will you start to believe me, when I'm saying I'm not going anywhere?" He takes my head in his hands, gently forcing me to meet his beautiful green eyes, "I'm not going anywhere...and you deserve so much more than you think you do..."
He places a gentle kiss on my mouth; careful not to do anything that might make me feel uncomfortable, but needing to give me more than just words...
His thoughtfulness brings tears to my eyes.
I know he has promised not to push me to talk now, he has even made it easy for me not to talk, but the words are too anxious to be released, to be denied any longer.
As I start to whisper, I can't help but remember how my unplanned words surprised me the last time I let my mouth run free, and I can only hope this time will prove to be less devastating. These are not words I am capable of planning...
"I really am sorry Rafael, I didn't know those words were going to come out...I didn't even realize I felt that way until they burst out. I trust you so much, it scares me. You have too much power to hurt me...but that fear is still in there somewhere, that I'm wrong or I can push you to...those actions. I know it's not possible...you have said it so many times, and maybe more importantly every action, has proved it, you wouldn't hurt me, especially not like that...but I understand how deeply I hurt you with those words..."
'And everytime I see, you in my dreams I see your face
Your haunting me
I guess I need you baby
I may have made it rain
Please forgive me
My weakness caused you pain
And this song's my sorry'
His hand tenderly strokes my face, "I know Liv...I think I heard the words and went on the defensive...I never thought that you were lying in bed with an angry man, and what that would do to you...I should have thought about you more, and I can't even begin to apologize for trying to stop you from getting up...that was just so stupid, and I know so much better...I don't know what I was thinking..."
"Rafael, you had a right to be angry, it was a horrible thing that I said...but that's not why I wanted you to leave...my own words, made me realize things I didn't know I felt..."
I look at him carefully trying to read his reactions; he doesn't seem to be angry, or particularly surprised. I wonder did Fin maybe, tip him off that my reaction wasn't only about him...or has he figured it out himself? Either way I'm immensely grateful, it feels like a slight head start...
"My words, they took me by surprise...I didn't think I still felt like that, I thought the days of fearing everyone, every shadow, were long behind me...it feels like I've made no progress...that all of my effort to be normal has been wasted..."
I can see I have every ounce of his attention, and he is not going to dismiss my feelings, so I tell him the stuff I hadn't planned on saying...
"It feels like I'm so...broken...that there is no hope of ever being whole again...and all I'm doing is hurting you, allowing you to become a victim of theirs...you need to be protected from me, from them..."
I can see my words have shocked him.
"Do you really believe that Liv? That I need to be protected from you?"
I try to meet his eyes but can't, as I nod reluctantly.
"No Liv, I don't need to be protected from you, I don't want to be protected from you...I understand that you have been hurt, so badly...and that you feel damaged...but that's not what I see, I see a woman who has shown more courage and strength than anyone has a right to have...I see a woman who is stunningly beautiful, inside and out, who makes me feel, like I never thought I was capable of feeling...I'm so far from perfect Liv, I'm awkward and closed off about my feelings, I'm only learning how to do this...I've never felt so close to someone and it's terrifying, but it also feels amazing...I know that it's a risk, and it goes against everything I've ever done, but it's worth the risk, you are worth every risk...Nothing I have learned about you has done anything but draw me closer to you...I can't imagine how it felt to think that after everything, you were back where you started, but you have made so much progress, and I can see how that fear is still somewhere deep inside, I hate that it's necessary but it probably is, you need to protect yourself...and I can't describe how much it means that you trust me, despite that fear...it means more than if it never even occurred to you..."
He has really surprised me. He thinks he's not perfect...he has been a saint, but he can see only how he could do better... How can he even feel that me trusting him, despite my fear is worth more than if that fear wasn't there?
"Rafael, I was so horrible to you though...you didn't deserve it..."
He shrugs and kisses me gently.
"I'm not sure I'm ready for this Rafael...when I can feel like that...I'm not sure I can do this..."
'And Everytime I try to fly I fall, without my wings
I feel so small
I guess I need you baby'
"I know that Liv, I can only imagine how hard it is...but I take hope from the fact that you want to try...I want to try too...and I'm more than willing to talk as much as we need to, and take a step back, whatever you need? I don't feel like this is a failure, I feel so much more secure, so much more at ease now, even after everything, because we can talk like this, because we can be honest, because we can find solutions to the hard stuff..."
I rest my forehead against his. There is something intensely intimate about this gesture. He is right, that there is a strange kind of hope in this shared despair.
"It also feels like, if I can't make things work with you, when you are so patient and understanding, I really am too broken to have any hope..."
His hand slowly rubs my cheek, "Liv, I can't begin to tell you how truly amazing you are...I know you feel broken but I'm in awe of your strength... and I have enough hope that we can make this work for both of us"
"Are you sure you really want to keep trying Rafael? I'm not sure I can do this, and I don't want to hurt you..."
"I am Liv...I know I could get hurt, but I get to spend time with you...even if I do get hurt, the gain is worth it...and if things work out...well I'd be crazy to risk missing out on that..."
I feel completely unprepared for his heartfelt declaration. I feel fear at the confidence with which he tells me is willing to risk being hurt, but also immense warmth. I'm still unsure, but as the warmth spreads throughout my whole body, I feel less hopeless.
"I know I need to explain what happened with Lewis...the things I've kept secret...I know it's not just because you want to know, I know you need to know...but can we leave it for now? I promise I'm not just trying to keep pushing it to another day, to a tomorrow that never comes, I just really can't do it now..."
He hugs me tightly to him... "Of course Liv. I do need to know, not just to try and dispel some of the horrors my mind is conjuring up, but because the more I know and understand, the more I know what is likely to affect you negatively...I really don't want to hurt you..."
"I know...but I don't want to say it all out loud...I know I need to, but I'm so scared...those words have too much power..."
"No Liv, the words don't have the power anymore, you have that power, you are in control of them...you can tell me as much as you are comfortable with, at any one time...I can only imagine how hard it is, but you have no reason to feel anything but strength...you have not only survived, you are thriving...he tried to break you, but he didn't, he failed..."
"You may not feel that when you hear it Rafael...and I may need you to ask me about it again, to help me say the words..."
He takes my face in his hands, meeting my eyes boldly, "Liv, you need to hear me now...nothing you say will change how I see you or how I feel about you, none of his actions change that...and they were his actions... you were his prisoner...you did not want anything he did, and you did nothing to invite it, or encourage it...it was not your fault...I know you feel guilty for trying to save your own life, and that of Luisa Nuñez and Amelia Cole, that you somehow gave him permission to do these things...you didn't...you were in an impossible situation...you did what you had to...you did anything you could, to make sure you survived...it does not relieve him of any responsibility...he tried to bait you into killing him, and even after all that you suffered, you didn't..."
This is something I thought we could never discuss. I understand how dangerous this discussion is to him, to both of us...but I can't lie anymore, not to him.
"I thought I had...I lost control..."
"I know it feels like that Liv, But you really were protecting yourself...the rules weren't made to encompass situations like the one you were in, with true monsters like him...you were drugged, force fed alcohol, pills...you weren't fed, and had barely any water...you were restrained and tortured for four days...you understood what he was...you knew what he was capable of..."
I know this is the man speaking, not the lawyer. I know he is not trying to excuse my behavior; he is trying to help me understand it. He understands how deep my fear of the recessive violent genes, that are coded into my DNA, is. And his reassurance, despite its familiarity, is really hitting home.
"What did I ever do to deserve you Rafael?" I ask as I kiss him.
"No Liv, if one of us doesn't deserve the other it is me...you are so far out of my league..."
"No Rafael...you're absolutely perfect..."
'And everytime I see, you in my dreams, I see your face
Your haunting me
I guess I need you baby'
I curl tightly against him, wanting to be as close to him as I possibly can. Although I am completely incapable of feeling sexual at this moment, it doesn't escape my notice that my body is reacting to his warmth, his smell, his presence. It comforts me as his arms tighten around me, and my exhausted body surrenders once more to the siren call of sleep.