A/N Sometimes it feels that just like the stumbles that pull you down to your knees, the victories in life also seem to come absolutely out of nowhere. They don't announce their intentions, and have the potential to lift you higher than you thought you could go, just as the stumbles pull you deeper into despair than you realized it was possible to go. The river of life is quite often more a white water rapid, and the stops along its trail, sometimes just like its ultimate destination, are not under your control, so we find our control wherever we can...I hope this is not over any lines?
"The River" by Garth Brooks...
As I wake, the first thing to penetrate my sleepy consciousness, is the warm set of arms wrapped around me.
Contrary to everything I would have believed, there is no sense of panic, no worry about who they belong to, no fear that they are there to restrain me. I can almost feel the love inherent in the embrace. It is only in this semi waking state that the word love can be part of my vocabulary. At any other time, it is terrifying, but in the half-light of the morning, it is as comforting as the blanket that found it's way over us at some unknown point during the night.
As I curl tighter into the man who lies beside me, the movement causes him to stir. He stretches into me, unconsciously mirroring my need to be, somehow, closer to him. His eyes flicker open and he smiles. His hand strokes my cheek tenderly.
"Did you sleep well? This wasn't too much?" he asks gently.
I shake my head, "This was exactly what I needed..."
His hand moves to the back of my head, stroking my hair.
"It's still early Rafael, go back to sleep..."
"I don't want to waste a second of being here like this, with you,..." he says, softly kissing me.
I run my hand through his sleep mussed hair, "I like this undone look...it's sexy..."
He rolls his eyes at me, grinning at my playful compliment, "I suppose you like the unshaved look too...?" he says rubbing the soft stubble on his face.
As I stroke his face I just nod, "It's sexy..." I reiterate softly.
"Unfortunately neither the DA or judiciary would agree with you..." he chuckles.
"You never know..." I whisper conspiratorially, as he laughs out loud.
"So since it's still early, how would you feel about taking a bath with me Rafael?"
I can immediately, see his unease at my suggestion, but instead of rushing to convince him, I wait for him to verbalize his concerns.
It takes a moment for him to find the words to tell me what worries him, "I would really like that Liv, but...I worry that you push yourself too hard sometimes...whether it's for me, or for you... I think maybe it's too soon?"
"I do push myself Rafael, but if I don't push myself I'll never move forward. I'm not fighting any internal struggle...I want to take a bath with you...there is no doubt...and I will tell you if I start to feel uneasy?"
'You know a dream is like a river
Ever changin' as it flows
And a dreamer's just a vessel
That must follow where it goes'
"Liv, how would it work? I mean you have no clothes here, no bikini?"
"I know. And I'm not sure, I suppose I could leave my underwear on...I need to trust myself to figure out what I'm comfortable with...I guess I'm trying to learn to trust myself again."
He nods thoughtfully, not missing the significance of my whispered admission that trusting myself, comes a lot more difficultly, than trusting him does.
'Trying to learn from what's behind you
And never knowing what's in store
Makes each day a constant battle
Just to stay between the shores'
He kisses me softly as he gets up and walks to his bathroom. As I hear the water gushing into the tub, I make a snap decision, and follow him into the bathroom, wrapping my arms around his waist.
"Let me undress you Rafael?" I whisper into his ear.
As he turns to me, I can see his doubt, but also his yearning...he seems to balance my request carefully, "Are you sure Liv?"
I nod slowly, as I start to unbutton the shirt he never bothered to take off when he got home yesterday. He watches my hands, as each button is carefully undone, until both sides of the fabric fall apart. I run my fingers lightly down his exposed undershirt, and then push the shirt down his arms, letting it fall to the floor behind him. I let my hands investigate the skin of his arms, slowly, really feeling his body, in a way I previously couldn't allow myself to. When my fingers clasp the hem of his undershirt and pull it up his torso, he raises his arms to allow me to pull it over his head and it joins his shirt on the floor.
My fingers continue their exploration of his flesh, gently stroking across his whole upper body. There is a freedom in the way I am touching him, like I want to know his body...in a way I didn't think I could.
I'm aware that this is not innocent touching, this is very sexual, my body is clearly responding to what I am doing, as is his, but he is, as always, the poster child for restraint.
As I look into his eyes, my lips find his, and our kiss is anything but chaste. His hands are on my hips, but he makes no move to do anything he has no permission for. I feel so totally in control, as I break our kiss and resume my exploration of his skin. My hands slide down his chest to his belt buckle, quickly undoing it, "No suspenders?" I ask coyly.
He just shakes his head gently.
"Pity, I quite like the suspenders..."
He swallows deeply and sighs, but says nothing, as I open the button and zip of his pants slowly.
I slide my hands down, under the back of his pants, over his butt, and follow the fabric all the way down the back of his legs, pulling them away as he steps out of them for me. As I stand back up I trace my fingers up the front of his legs, until my hands rest on the bones of his pelvis, either side of his bulging underwear. My fingers slide under the waistband of the underwear and he stops me, "Liv..."
"It's ok Rafael...I want to see you..."
I can see how torn he is, but he seems to have heard my plea for him to trust me, as he removes his hands from mine.
I kiss him deeply, wanting him to know how sure I am, but also how much of an effect he is having on me.
When I pull away from the kiss, and reach once more, below the waistband of his underwear, he does nothing to stop me, as I carefully pull the front of the elastic over his erection and push them down his legs.
Once again he steps out of them, as I look at him. My fingers trace every inch of the flesh exposed to me until they find their way to the hardness between his legs. My first touch is very tentative, as if I'm worried it will somehow hurt me, but I'm very much in the present, and as my fingers move gently along his length, there are no unwelcome intrusions. As my movements become less tentative, I'm surprised at the heat, and size of him, it's only now that I realize he was only partly erect, when I saw him previously. And I'm surprised at how much my body is reacting to him.
'And I will sail my vessel
'Til the river runs dry
Like a bird upon the wind
These waters are my sky
I'll never reach my destination
If I never try
So I will sail my vessel
'Til the river runs dry'
"Undress me Rafael...please?" my voice betrays my arousal, as I look into his eyes.
My hands move back to his chest, stroking his nipples gently, and massaging up and across his shoulders.
He seems unsure about how to start undressing me, so I guide his hands to the buttons of my shirt, and he slowly makes his way down them, until the shirt opens slightly, and he looks to me for my permission before he pushes it down my arms, paying special attention to the sensitive flesh of the undersides.
My fingers continue their exploration of the skin before me, as he reaches for the catch of my bra; easily flipping it open, when I nod my consent, and I comfortably let it fall away from my body.
As I trace the lines of his pectoral muscles and play with his sensitive nipples, he begins to gently tease my breasts, blowing softly onto my nipples, watching them harden as his tongue flicks out across them.
I know he is waiting for my permission to continue, as he shuts off the water, so I take his hands and place them on my belt, reaching for his mouth with mine.
Enjoying the sensation of his naked chest against mine, I wrap my arms around his neck to allow me to rub our skin together.
I hear him sigh gently, and know he is feeling the same pleasure I am.
As my belt is slid open, he stops at the button of my pants.
"Undress me Rafael!" I whisper breathily.
I can see his intense desire, as he opens my pants, and carefully pushes them down my thighs, his eyes taking in every curve of my body, his fingers slowly stroking my skin.
Now that we stand here, with only my underwear between us, he is very careful of the arousal poking out from between his legs.
I wrap my arms once more, around his shoulders, and meet his lips with my own, he tries to pull his hips back, but I slide my hands down to his butt, pulling him to me.
As his naked penis touches the skin of my leg, it feels almost like a jolt of electricity. Not an unpleasant shock, but a jolt of pleasure...and I can feel my own arousal clearly.
I try to hide my face in his chest but he gently tips my chin up until I meet his eyes, "What are you feeling Liv?"
"My body...reacting to you..." my eyes dart down, as I try to avoid saying the words.
"Why does that embarrass you? My arousal is very clear to you...these feelings are mutual, Liv..."
He's right; this is very mutual, very consensual. We are both very much enjoying this. Why does my body, doing what it should, cause this reaction?
"I don't know...but it does. It feels like I should feel guilty, or ashamed, for it..."
"There's nothing to feel guilty or ashamed of Liv, we are two consenting adults, and we are touching each other, it is supposed to feel good, your body is doing exactly what it is supposed to do...Does my arousal bother you?"
I shake my head confidently. "Everywhere it touches, there's like a jolt of electricity, of pleasure..."
He has been very careful to turn his hips slightly, to keep his erection from touching my most private area, but now he allows his hips to straighten and his hardness grazes my underwear covered crotch, and my mouth falls open at the sensation.
"Is it too much Liv?"
I shake my head, as I reach for my underwear.
"No Liv, you don't have to..."
"I know I don't, but...I'm not comfortable in my skin really, I suppose, but now I feel more at one with it...I'm feeling pleasure...not the type of pleasure that's centered only on my clitoris, my whole body feels good...it's giving me a confidence I don't usually have, and I want you to see me...I want to able to show you my body..."
He gently removes his hands from mine, and allows me to pull away my underwear, and surprisingly, as I stand naked before him, I don't feel the vulnerability I expected to feel.
'Too many times we stand aside
And let the waters slip away
'Til what we put off 'til tomorrow
Has now become today
So don't you sit upon the shoreline
And say you're satisfied
Choose to chance the rapids
And dare to dance the tide'
"You're so beautiful Liv...Look at yourself..." He says as he turns me to the mirror that had been unseen, behind me.
As I look at the reflection, I'm not disgusted, despite how clearly visible almost every sign of my arousal is. He rests his chin on my shoulder as he stands slightly to the side, behind me. I curl my arm back to hold his face, and he runs his hand gently down the side of my body.
"Why does it feel wrong to find pleasure in this?" he whispers softly.
"I don't know...it feels so good, and I can forget most of the stuff that clouds it, but then I feel..."
"Tell me what you feel Liv..."
"I feel that...wetness...it's disgusting..."
"No it's not Liv, it's incredibly sexy...I'm so happy that you feel like that...I wish I could show you how un-disgusted I am...I want to taste you...I want to feel you...do I look disgusted?"
He turns me slightly, and steps back, so I can see how aroused he is, not just in the hardness bobbing between his legs, but also in the undisguised desire in his eyes, and his flushed skin.
As I see him look at me with obvious lust, I wish I could see myself with his eyes.
He ever so gently, places my hand on his erection, "This is what you do to me..." he takes my hand and moves it to his chest, "Can you feel my heart thumping? This is what you do to me...there is nothing, at all, disgusting about you...you are so sexy, so beautiful..."
His words only arouse me further, but I'm not quite ready to believe them yet.
"Let me wash you Liv?" he asks softly.
I nod lightly, unsure of what I am agreeing to, but too in need of more of the pleasure he is showing me, to refuse him.
He takes me by the hand and leads me to the tub; I step in carefully as he continues to hold my hand. I'm unsure what I should do, so I look to him, as he steps into the bath behind me.
He picks up a bottle of shower gel and starts to soap up my back. His touch is perfect, a mixture of feather light caresses and heavy rubbing...
As his hands stroke up the sides of my breasts and start to massage my shoulders I move back and lean against him to give him better access to my front.
"Liv are you sure this is ok?"
I know he is asking about his naked penis, and how, in this position, it is pressing against my butt.
I don't answer him; instead I pull his head to me and allow my silent, probing, tongue to be my response.
He begins to wash me again, as his lips and tongue, explore my neck. And when his fingers start to stroke my breasts, I squeeze my thighs together to try to diffuse the feelings building inside me. That same movement means his hardness moves against me, making us both moan.
"Liv, you can touch yourself, ...show me how you like to be touched..."
I shake my head, dropping it in embarrassment, at my own desires...
"Why are you embarrassed? I'm not even remotely embarrassed, I'm asking you to touch yourself, to show me how you like to be touched...and I'm not ashamed to tell you how much I will also enjoy watching you touch yourself...it is your body, you need to be able to enjoy it before you can allow anyone else to..."
I know he is right. And I can remember a time when there was no shame in doing exactly this, but that time seems like a different lifetime ago, as I sit here now.
He takes my right hand in his, "You're right handed, yes?", I don't disagree, so he brings my right hand to my breast spreading my fingers with his, gently moving my fingers over the nipple with his, trying to make it easier for me...
He uses his left hand on my left breast; trying to show me some of the different ways he could touch me. Again I squeeze my thighs together to get some relief from the feelings bombarding me. Again I feel the movement against his penis, and I feel his right hand abandon my breast momentarily, as it gently squeezes the hard flesh that is pressing into me.
I quickly get onto my knees and turn to him, my hand reaching for his erection, but he stops me gently.
"Why can you touch me, Liv, but you can't touch yourself?"
His words are so soft and soothing, there is no judgment in them, only questioning.
"Show me how to pleasure you Liv..."
'Yes I will sail my vessel
'Til the river runs dry
Like a bird upon the wind
These waters are my sky
I'll never reach my destination
If I never try
So I will sail my vessel
'Til the river runs dry'
I'm almost desperate now to be touched, and it is all too clear, that he is not going to touch me, until I can touch myself, so I reluctantly allow my right hand to slide down into the water. Even in the water I can feel my arousal, and I try not to allow my mind to dwell on it, as I try to concentrate on the bundle of nerves that will quickly satiate this desire.
He watches my hand move gently, with such blatant lust, that this tiny patch of skin is not enough to satisfy my desires; my left hand reaches for my breast, as he reaches for my other breast, mirroring my movements on it.
My fingers continue to move under the water, but there is no relief to the pressure, so with great frustration, I just stop.
"What's wrong Liv?"
"It's just not working..."
Again his hand squeezes his erection gently.
"Rafael, you can touch yourself too..."
"I do Liv, and I know what feels good to me...I have no embarrassment in my body, or making it feel pleasure, nor should you..."
As if to illustrate his point, he wraps his hand around his penis and gently moves it up and down a couple of times, his face clearly showing his pleasure at the movement.
He takes his hand from his own body, and gently uses it to guide mine back down under the water. He guides my hand softly down the exposed area of my genitals and I moan deeply at the sensation.
"Don't be afraid of it, treat it like your own personal playground..."
'There's bound to be rough waters
And I know I'll take some falls
With the good Lord as my captain
I can make it through them all'
He gently lets go of my hand as it slides along me, and I can't resist the urge to continue this movement.
"This only feels so good because you are wet...this is why your body responds the way it does...and I cannot describe how incredibly hot this image is..."
This time his assurance does break through a little, and I allow my fingers to move more confidently, until a finger slips, carefully inside me.
The groan that escapes his lips at this movement, and his quick tug on his penis, makes me feel like this could actually be sexy, he is clearly responding to it and it feels good to me. My thumb rocks against my most sensitive place, as my finger moves gently inside me. Rafael's fingers gently play with one of my nipples and my second hand unthinkingly finds its way to my other nipple.
He shifts slightly in his position, as his tongue finds its way to my breast, sucking the nipple into his mouth, blowing lightly on it, as it emerges from his hot mouth.
His fingers stroke the underside of my arm and then move down my side, softly caressing the side of my breast as his tongue flicks across my nipple and then traces around it.
As he sucks my nipple back into his mouth, I unthinkingly, reach for his penis, with the hand covered in my own wetness...it slides easily up his length and he moans, as he guides my hand back between my own legs..."God Liv, I want to see you finish yourself...please?"
He reaches out to take both of my nipples into his skilled hands, and I can't resist my body's demands anymore. My finger slides gently back inside me, stroking my insides, as my thumb rocks against my clitoris. The movement of his fingers on my nipples, in concert with my own movements, is too much to deny and I submit to my body as it tenses and trembles lightly through an orgasm. As he sees I'm about to climax, he starts to talk to me reassuringly, reminding me we are safe, and it's just us, as he had promised to do, when the building pleasure scared me, previously.
As the pleasure starts to wane, the embarrassment of the situation starts to make its presence felt, but when my eyes open, the look on Rafael's face is pure lust, and I begin to relax. I reach for him with my left hand until I remember the look on his face as he felt my wetness on the hand that wrapped around him. I wrap my slick, right hand around him, and his eyes close as it twists gently, and runs up his length.
"Liv..." he groans as my fingers graze his tip lightly.
I'm very relaxed, and am really enjoying the feel of him, as my hand moves across him. I surprise myself when the fingers of my left hand slide down to my sensitive clitoris, as my other hand moves on him.
"That's just too hot..." he mutters huskily, as he lets go.
As he is still panting from his climax, he whispers gruffly, "Can I touch you Liv?"
'Yes I will sail my vessel
'Til the river runs dry
Like a bird upon the wind
These waters are my sky'
I want to feel his touch, and give him a tiny nod, as he pulls me to him. His fingers trace along me, gently rubbing the nerve cluster with the palm of his hand. It feels fantastic.
And when he lightly takes my nipple between his teeth, flicking it with his tongue, it is nearly too much pleasure. The heel of his palm presses against my clitoris and two fingers carefully trace around my vagina.
"Oh god, don't stop..." I plead, as he continues, and when it feels I can't hold back any longer, he flicks my clitoris with his fingers, as he presses his hand up against me. It's too much, and another orgasm finds me, as he pulls me tightly to him, again whispering reassurances in my ear, to ground me in the present.
When he feels my breathing returning to normal, he looks me in the eye, "Are you ok?"
I nod.
"Good, because I can't tell you how unbelievably sexy you are...Are you sure we didn't go too far for you?"
I shake my head quickly, "It felt good, really good...I'm not sure how far I had planned on going, but I didn't feel like I wanted to stop. After the other night I didn't think it would be so easy, I thought it would be almost back to square one...but I felt more comfortable in my own body than I have in so long...I know you had to push me, and it probably didn't feel that easy to you, but it feels like I really may be ready to try... I know this all sounds like it's wrapped up in sex, and some of it is, but it's more than that, it's also about trusting myself, to know when to stop, to know what I am comfortable with, to be able to let go...this feels like a victory..."
"It is a victory Liv. And I think I know what you mean...I think I'm beginning to understand how much of yourself you feel you have lost, and how regaining any of that, through any means, is a lot more than just a victory in that moment."
I nod gently at him.
"I can only imagine how big a step taking your underwear off was, or looking at you reflection like that, or allowing yourself to feel pleasure, in front of me...or touching me...or being comfortable to have me so close to you...they were all huge steps...I really hope I didn't push too hard?"
"You didn't Rafael, I needed to be pushed...I'd tell you if you were pushing too hard...this is why I push myself..."
'I'll never reach my destination
If I never try
So I will sail my vessel
'Til the river runs dry'
He nods carefully. "It's nearly time to get ready for work Liv, you have a shower while I make breakfast...let me get you something to wear until you get home to change."
I nod back at him as he steps out of the tub and helps me out. He wraps a towel softly around my shoulders as he lets the water out of the bath and starts the shower for me.
"That was a particularly good start to the day Rafael...thank you..."
He looks at me like I'm completely crazy, "You're thanking me? God Liv, you'll be the death of me..."
I roll my eyes at the familiar phrase...as I throw off the towel carelessly, and step into the shower, still firmly in the grip of the confidence, of a victory.
'Yes, I will sail my vessel
'Til the river runs dry
'Til the river runs dry'
A/N Shootthephoto; Hahahaha yeah you got your hug. It had to be Amanda to drive her to Rafael's and it felt like only she would understand the value of silent support in this situation. Liv is kindda talked out and is so aware of what she needs to do when she gets to Rafael, that she gratefully seizes the silence. And Rafael, is a good guy, he is trying so hard...he wants to do the right things and is willing to put himself out there for her.
Guest; Thanks, I hope Liv can say some of the things she has been keeping inside for so long to anyone, I can see why you feel Amanda is the one she should talk to...and I don't doubt that as with Fin, and Rafael, the conversation with Amanda is ongoing...
MrsChilton; He is wonderful and she does deserve no less, but she's still not so sure of that...They are talking, even when it is really difficult...He has tried to educate himself so he can help her, but ultimately she is the only one who can help herself...
Intala; As always thank you...