A/N So...I've borrowed the words for this from sources I shall credit at the end. They're not from a song...
The line I have struggled to find, and stay the right side of, is completely gone from my vision, so I'm right on it or so far over, it's too far in the distance to even see. I was very reticent to attribute experiences to Liv, what we saw in 'Surrender Benson' was horrific enough, but the cut away into the bathroom left too many unanswered questions...I feel Liv needs to admit it, Rafael needs to hear it and you have given me permission to touch on it. I'm grateful to everyone who told me what they feel happened, and I have taken it on board, but the mad monkeys wrote what they wanted...it feels plausible for me within in the boundaries of the show, within her stated denials...it also feels like a good example of how confusing the whole subject is... That said it is pretty harsh, it is not pretty to read or think about, it is on the darker end of the spectrum, it is controlling, demeaning and horrible, it is not intricately detailed, its more snapshots of actions...so if you don't want to read this chapter, skip the bits mark ** and I'll either summarize the important bits or bring them up again before the next chapter, because as you will see if you do read, this conversation is not finished. I'm also pretty stuck with where the mad monkeys have left off so any comments would appreciated...
The work day flies by, in series of increasingly frustrating, dead ended, leads, that leave us no closer to an answer in the death of a young prostitute, who probably never had much of a chance of the better life she came here to find. We believe her to be from Eastern Europe but so far, have had no luck in tracking down her identity; apart from the name she was known as on the streets; Anastasia.
As the work day draws to a close, I'm forced to admit that there will be few more days where we can spend so much time tracing down dead end leads, before another case forces us to split our focus, until Anastasia's case is relegated to become one of the files we eventually have to close and hand over to the cold case squad. It is a sad fact of life that I just can't authorize overtime for the team, in every case that crosses our desks. All we can do is hope that Melinda can find something to help us, or this poor girl may never even be properly identified.
Her photo joins the file that I keep in my desk, of cases that have never really left me, because there have been no answers.
A gentle tap at the door, pulls me from my thoughts, "Amanda, come in..."
She makes her way into the office, taking a seat across from me. "I hate the ones like this, that we can't even identify...not being able to get justice is bad but to not even be able to give her an identity..." she shakes her head in despair.
I can only agree with her, there is no justice in this horror.
"Ehmmm I just wanted to check in on you, on my way home...?" she mutters gingerly.
I smile at her thoughtfulness. "Thanks Amanda, and thank you so much for yesterday..."
"Anytime Liv, really..."
I need her advice, so I force myself to keep talking, "I screwed up big time with Rafael. I said something that should never have been said...he's being amazing about it, but it doesn't make it right."
She nods understandingly.
"I didn't think things were salvageable at first, I guess I have a bit more hope now, but...he needs to know what happened with Lewis, and I'm not sure I can tell him..."
I wasn't able to say this to Fin, earlier when he asked about last night. Despite his unwavering support, this feels like something I just can't discuss with him, but I know that Amanda understands the crushing secrecy that accompanies such an attack.
"Are you sure you want to tell him Liv?" she asks quietly.
I shake my head, "No, I'm not. I don't want to tell anyone, those are details I'd be more than happy to take to the grave, but he needs to know and I guess in some way maybe I need to tell him..."
She nods at my me, "You know you don't have to tell him anything to make up for something you said, that you feel you shouldn't have...he has no right to leverage information like that."
"He's not Amanda. And I'm not doing it to try and make up for what I said, it's really not why I'm telling him...he needs to know."
She looks at me questioningly.
"Eventually it needs to come out?" she asks carefully and I just nod. I can see from her face that she understands this, more than, in just the obvious admission, she made to Barba in trial prep.
"I don't know what to say...I don't know how much to tell him...or what words to use...I'm really lost on this one..."
"I'm not sure how much help I can be Liv. I didn't plan to tell Nick...I was actually ducking him, to avoid having to talk to him, even though I swore I wasn't," she chuckles slightly, at the memory, "And when he pushed to make sure I was really ok, it just all spiraled, until the words tumbled out to him...I said so much more than I intended to him, gave him way too much detail...more than anyone else...and it was terrifying, I was so scared he'd be disgusted, that he'd echo their words, but he didn't...he was amazing...he was so supportive, and he made me feel so much better, his belief, his validation of my feelings, he helped me onto the path of healing so much...if it wasn't for him I'd never have even seen a therapist..."
I can't help the smile that this brings forward, "I did wonder what happened to cause such a change in your feelings about seeing a therapist...he's a really good guy."
She nods softly, and I can see how much she misses him, in her bittersweet smile, "So is Barba. I didn't see it before I dropped that bombshell on him, but he's a good guy too. And he clearly adores you Liv..."
"What if him being a good guy isn't enough though? We know the toll that details like this take on you..."
"He can talk to any of us Liv. We'd all be here for him... He doesn't have to do it alone..."
I'm very aware that she had been very careful not to ask for the details I have so diligently kept locked inside, and I don't ask what she confessed, unintentionally, to Nick.
We both know that such details are intensely personal, and are unnecessary in our current conversation, so we don't push.
It would sound, to an outside observer, that we are hiding from the most important part of the conversation, I'm sure, when we are in fact, only focused on the most important part, it is the feelings that matter, not the detail, to us.
"And from what I can see, he knows more than anyone, about what happened with Lewis already Liv, and none of it has effected how he sees you..."
I can't help but smile at her understanding. I really am terrified that he will reject me once he knows...
"I don't know how to do it?"
"I'm not sure these kind of conversations can be planned beyond deciding what you definitely will and won't say, and even that can change...when it all starts tumbling out..."
I nod at our shared understanding.
"We took so many steps forward, last night and this morning, I'm almost afraid to ruin it...but I promised him,... how do we even have that conversation?"
"How do you have all the other important conversations Liv?"
Before I can stop myself I have said, "Hmmmmmm, no that definitely won't work" as I picture us lying in bed or in the bath.
She doesn't even try to hide her glee as she grins at me, "Really?".
I roll me eyes at her, "It's not like that Amanda...I mean we've made a lot of steps forward...but we haven't...I mean..."
She laughingly holds a hand up at me, "I get it Liv...but things are going well?"
I try not to look embarrassed as I nod. "He has been incredible, really patient and really good..."
"Liv, you deserve that...I know that feels like so much...but that's the very least we deserve..."
I nod sadly, as I understand how skewed our perspective has become, that this feels like a huge concession to us, that someone could consider us worthy of their patience and not want to force their will on us.
Her support gives me the confidence to text Rafael,
[I need to tell you what happened, can we talk tonight? Maybe you could come over when you finish work?]
As soon as the words are typed, I feel my stomach sink as I hit send before I can rethink it.
"It's ok Liv, you're doing the right thing...and you only have to tell him as much as you are comfortable with..."
I nod as the phone beeps with a reply, and I can barely bring myself to look at it, already regretting my bold action.
[Of course. I'll be there as early as I can... See you soon Liv]
I look up at Amanda with barely concealed terror, "It's done..."
She assures me quietly again, of how he's a good guy, and it will be ok. Of how the silence is harder than the truth, of how she is there if I need anything, how they are all there if they can do anything to help, as she bustles me out of the office, with a quick squeeze of my hand...
When I get home, I realize how much later it is than I thought it was, as Noah is already fast asleep, and I thank Lucy profusely for her flexibility and understanding for staying last night. She shrugs off my thanks and asks am I ok, that I look pale? I assure her I'm fine and see her out, before collapsing onto the couch, as I desperately wish I hadn't sent that text, and that I could still wriggle out of this discussion.
When I hear Rafael's soft rap on the door, my hands start to shake.
My movement toward the door is sluggish, slow, and my legs wobble unsteadily under me, as I pull it open.
He smiles widely at me, quickly pulling me into a one armed hug as enters.
"I brought us some soup, and I make a mean grilled cheese, for later when we get hungry..."
I try to smile back at him, as he puts down his bags.
As always, he hangs up his suit bag and throws the soup and other items into the fridge.
I stand unmoving, in the center of the living area, suddenly really unsure, as he moves back over to me, taking my hand and leading me to sit on the couch. He sits down beside me, immediately conscious of how 'on edge' I am about this discussion. He seems to instinctively understand how I need to get this done...
He looks at me carefully, wanting to let me start this conversation however I want to, but the doubts and fears start to swallow me whole, as I look into his eyes.
"What happened Liv?" he softly prompts.
I pull my legs up to my chin, and try to still the faint shaking of my hands, by clenching them into fists.
He pulls open his tie even further, as he sees how truly nervous I am.
"It's ok Liv, take as much time as you need, I'm here...there's no rush...I'm not going anywhere..."
He seems to understand that I can't be touched at this moment, as he sits beside me but doesn't reach for me.
He seems content to just sit and wait, as I try to find an entrance into the secrets I'm so loath to share.
"I don't think I can say it..." I whisper.
He tenderly takes my hand in his, "Yes you can Liv,...you've lived through it...you can say it..."
When I pull my hand away from him he makes no attempt to chase it, instead he turns to me, pulling his leg up onto the couch in front of him, resting his hands on his leg.
"I thought that when I tried to make things clearer, it would be enough...I thought that ruling out things that had their own special terms, it would give you enough...I didn't mean to open this all up again..."
"It was never really closed Liv. It was always going to have to be discussed...I just didn't know how to ask, if I was even allowed to ask..."
"Did you understand what I was trying to tell you Rafael?"
"I think so Liv...that you chose the term sexual assault carefully, that you didn't use the word rape, or sodomy..."
I nod tentatively.
"Have you told anyone, Liv?"
I shake my head.
"Not even Dr. Lindstrom?"
Again I shake my head, already feeling the weakness filling me.
"Don't you need to get it out?"
I nod, as tears roll unnoticed down my face.
"Then tell me Liv..."
I chew my lip thoughtfully, as I try to brush away the tears that feel omnipresent.
I take a couple of deep breaths and nod slightly...
"Can you define ...rape...for me, Rafael?"
My quiet voice fades even more, as I choke out the word, and his pallor immediately, deepens visibly.
"Legally?" he croaks.
I nod, not making eye contact with him.
He licks his lips, "Under New York Penal Law;
Rape in the First Degree (Class B Violent Felony)
Up to 25 Years in Prison:
Rape in the First Degree has occurred when a male engages in sexual intercourse with a female:
By forcible compulsion; or
Who is incapable of consent by reason of being physically helpless; or
Who is less than 11 years old."
I nod at the very familiar words.
I tap gently on my phone, handing it to him when I call up what I am looking for...
Rape(noun)
unlawful sexual intercourse or any other sexual penetration of the vagina, anus, or mouth of another person, with or without force, by a sex organ, other body part, or foreign object, without the consent of the victim.
"This is how the dictionary defines it..." I whisper.
He looks at it with undusguised terror as he reads, and looks at me, before re-reading it carefully.
When he is sure he has taken in it properly, he passes the phone back to me, and I can see a gentle tremor in his hand.
"So which is correct?" I ask him quietly, hating the weakness in my voice.
He takes a deep breath, rubbing his hand through his hair, "Outside of a court of law,... the dictionary...Liv, it's more true..."
He tries to make his voice strong but it quivers slightly, and the dread is beginning to show on his face. There's no surprise, I think he always half-expected this, but I can see it is causing him pain nonetheless.
"There's no one definition...nearly every state, every country, defines it differently...so it becomes a game of semantics, a word shuffle where two people are using the same words but with such different meanings...I've found a definition that adds the words 'however slight' to the dictionary..."
He looks at me, in confusion. Again I tap on my phone, until I find what I am looking for and pass it to him.
"Illinois State law defines sexual assault as:
Sexual penetration by force or threat of force or an act of sexual penetration when the victim was unable to understand the nature of the act or was unable to give knowing consent. (720 ILCS 5 Criminal Code of 1961 §12-13)
Illinois law defines sexual penetration as:
Any contact, however slight, between the sex organ or anus of one person by an object, the sex organ, mouth, or anus of another person, or any intrusion, however slight, of any part of the body of one person or of any object into the sex organ or anus of another person, including but not limited to cunnilingus, fellatio, or anal penetration. Evidence of emission of semen is not required to prove sexual penetration (720 ILCS 5 Criminal Code of 1961 §12-12(f))."
"This isn't even defined as rape, this is sexual assault..."
He swallows deeply, nodding. I can see how much willpower it is taking him, to allow me to continue at my own speed, but he does, handing me back the phone carefully.
"If I don't know what to call what happened...how can someone who is not an SVU cop be expected to know?"
He struggles to speak as he tries to force some words out,
"So don't worry about the semantics, for now, Liv. Don't try to package it all up in a definition, I can see how confusing it must be ...just tell me what happened?"
"It's not that simple, Rafel."
"I know it's not Liv...I can see how easy it would be to get lost in the vagaries of the definitions...or to hide in amongst them..."
"Or to twist them to suit your own purposes..." I add bitterly, aware that my secrets are about to be unmasked.
"I don't know where to start...four days is a long time..."
His mouth drops open slightly as he nods his agreement, "Four days can feel like a lifetime...start anywhere you can Liv..."
We both seem to try to ready ourselves as we take deep breaths...
"Some of it, you know, or guessed...how his hands were all over me, touching, rubbing, squeezing, groping...his hands would slide up under my shirt, into my bra...how he burned, and cut me...you saw the pictures..."
He nods sadly, seemingly unable to keep the images from flooding his mind.
Now when it feels like tears would be almost, acceptable, I am dry eyed.
Rafael seems so far away, despite his leg being close enough to brush against, with the barest movement as I pick up where I left off...
"He would push himself up against me, from behind, and in front, while holding the handcuffs around my wrists...He'd rub against me, telling me he could feel I was enjoying it...I wasn't..."
As the words slip from my lips, I realize I have shutdown. I'm feeling nothing as it all tumbles out. I can't do this if I allow myself to feel.
****"His hands touched every inch of me, he wanted to take possession of my body...he tried to alternate between pain and what he called pleasure...twisting my nipples, bruising me, squeezing...jabbing his fingers..."
I can see the pain on his face. But the words can't be stopped now...
"He lurched over me, shoved my face into his pant covered crotch, until I thought I'd suffocate. He pushed his fingers into my mouth, telling me his...penis was next...He kept shoving the gun into my mouth...
He rubbed himself, as he jammed his hand between my legs...
And when we were in the Mayer's...what he did to her, in front of me...when...it...was out of his pants, he tried to...he rubbed it all over me...like he was marking me..."
He is battling his emotions when I look into the green eyes staring back at me. As silence falls between us, he nods gently, silently asking me to continue.
"When we got to the beach house, he'd killed Mr. Mayer, the young policeman, and Mrs. Mayer for all I knew...he had nothing left to lose...he had made it clear what was going to happen...and I was so stupid...I needed the bathroom...I gestured to it...I should have known how stupid it was...Why would I put myself in the situation of voluntarily taking any of my clothes off?"
Now as I look to the man beside me, his eyes have not left me, but he has lost the emotional battle and tears have started to roll down his face. He seems to instinctively understand, that this is where the real secrets lie. I take slight consolation in the fact that beneath the tears is a look of agony, and not disgust, but there all comfort ends.
When I pick up my tale, my voice is even more brittle...
"I couldn't even get up off the bed, he had to help me, he took such pleasure in telling me he could help me...he pulled me up against him, he had the gun, I was woozy, my hands were cuffed, my mouth taped...I though he'd take off the handcuffs...but he didn't...he pulled down my pants...my underwear...he'd only pulled my clothes aside or reached inside them up to this, and it was my own fault he was pulling them down...he rubbed me with the gun, he'd done it before but not like this...he pushed me down onto the toilet, and for a second I let myself believe he would just let me use the toilet...but when I was finished...he...wiped me...I screamed, but the tape over my mouth muffled it, he started to say things like 'Oh baby why didn't you say this is what you wanted?'...he shoved me over the sink, and ran his fingers...along me...he said things...he pushed his fingers...inside me...it hurt...he just wouldn't shut up...he kept talking and talking...each vile word worse that the last...I tried to fight against him, I didn't care anymore if he killed me, I just wanted it to be over...the more I fought, the more he liked it...he pushed me down harder, he threatened me with the gun...pushed it against me...into me...the more I struggled the more I moved against him...I could feel him...he pulled himself out of his pants, ...rubbed it against me...he wasn't fully ready, but he started to try to push into me, he couldn't, really...but it was enough...he said 'not now...not when we can take our time'...he pulled my pants and underwear up and locked me to the bed while he went to get rid of the car, but when he came back...I knew..."
The man that sits beside me is now sobbing outright, but his eyes are still on me.
I can't stop though...
"That's why I taunted him about not being able to get it up for a real woman, when I tried to escape...It was my last hope, either I escaped, or he killed me...I needed it to end, one way or the other...
So all I had to cling to, was the assertion that he didn't rape me...because by the legal definition he didn't...and then it became all the control I had left...and he tried to take even that from me, when he offered to plead...and it felt like all the effort, had been for nothing, all the carefully chosen words, the carefully choreographed movements and explanations during the rape kit...the cleaning up...I didn't want anyone to know how close it came...because no matter how bad it got, he didn't rape me..."
**** I feel like an alien as I watch how upset Rafael is, like I can't understand the emotions as I sit in my numb body.
I want to reach my hand out to him, but it refuses to obey the simple command, clinging instead, to my own arms that have wrapped around me.
The silence seems too quiet, so I head to the kitchen to make tea.
As I fill the kettle, I see him cradle his head in his hands, and his soft sobs are all that can be heard in the unnerving silence.
I must have zoned out for a moment, because the next thing I know, he is standing beside me, and the kettle is screaming.
"Liv are you ok?" he asks in a whisper, lightly touching my arm.
I pull away quickly, assuring him "I'm fine. Are you ok? You look upset..."
He looks at me as if I am crazy, "I am upset Liv. Are you not upset?"
I shrug my shoulders.
"It could have been worse..."
"Liv, don't say that...how have you kept this inside you all this time?"
"Because it was still only sexual assault...there were already enough examples of that..."
His mouth drops open in disbelief.
He seems incapable of speaking as he looks at me, shaking his head slightly.
"Can I ask you a question Liv?"
I nod my permission.
"Do you really believe that? That it could have been worse, that it was only sexual assault?"
"You think it couldn't have been worse? He could have done to me, what he did to Mrs. Mayer...or Mr. Mayer...?"
"Liv, sit down and talk to me...please?"
He leads me to the small table, pulling out a chair for me.
"I'll make you that tea..." he says quickly throwing tea bags into cups, and pouring hot water over them.
He sits down beside me, his left hand wrapping around the warm cup, as his right stretches towards me.
The warm tea is starting to thaw the frost that protects me, and I reach out to take his hand carefully.
He hasn't even bothered to try and wipe away the tears that still glisten on his face, so I put down my tea and brush them away for him.
"I told you, you didn't want to know..." I whisper.
He also pushes his tea aside, taking my two hands in his, "I never said I didn't want to know Liv, it was agonizing to hear what you went through...in so many ways it was worse than I thought it was going to be...but I needed to know..."
I meet his green eyes slowly.
"How do you feel Liv?"
"Disgusted...that I let so much happen..."
I see him struggle to know how to answer me, as he considers carefully.
"Liv, why are the definitions so important to you?"
"I need to know what to call what happened..."
"And do you, do you know what to call it?"
Once again his choice of question surprises me.
"I don't know, sometimes it feels like I do, I can remind myself that he didn't rape me, that after all he did, I still won, because he never got to do what he wanted to...but sometimes it feels like such a hollow win, that it is worth nothing...and that maybe the semantics don't matter, because regardless of the name I put on his actions, the effect is still the same..."
"So can you tell me, what do you call it?"
"Sexual Assault" I whisper.
"Is that what you feel best describes what he did, or is that a legal definition?"
The numb distance that protected me as I was drawn back into his clutches, as my story spilled out, fades more with every passing moment, and the emotional toll builds conversely, so I feel ill equipped to play this word game now, even though I started it.
"I'm a cop, my definition is the legal one."
"I'm a lawyer, Liv, I understand the legalities, but as a man, legal definitions aren't always adequate...Outside of a courtroom, this man believes the dictionary definition, with the addition of the term 'however slight',... but where does that leave you?"
"So you're saying he did...that I should have taken his plea deal?" My anger is instant, and burns incandescently.
"That's not what I'm saying Liv, not at all...fuck his deal...he's dead and I'm glad...I don't care about his deal... I care about you...if you stray from the narrow legal definition...if you use a different definition, then how do things change, for you...?"
"You mean if I have to admit that he did actually rape me...? "
My blunt, harsh, words surprise us both. As silence descends on us, we both seem to realize the truth in my awful words...
NY statutes courtesy of Hunter College, City University of New York website
General definition courtesy of dictionary .com website
Illinois definition courtesy of Northwestern University website
MrsChilton; Yeah I think she did, it is important that she feels sexy and can take pleasure in her own body but it's hard for her. I liked that he didn't forget what they learned last time, that he softly grounded her, that he tried to stay in the moment and not ruin the mood but also helped her...
Shootthephoto; This song just felt like it encapsulated this journey...I'm not a Garth Brooks fan as such but his lyrics can speak volumes. I'd love to hear more about Rafael's vulnerability? He is opening up but he is also still feeling so much pressure, I'm very aware that the strain on him must be immense, and I guess I'm not quite done with how hard it must be for partners...he is a strong man but he is trying to balance so much. Yeah more hugs...
Guest; thank you much. Progress can come at the most unexpected times.
FicFriend; Thank you, the line is an eternal worry for me. It did feel like a victory...The monkeys are completely to blame for all of it...they've written me into another horrible place...
xCalliopexPlantainx; thank you so much for the praise and for the opinion on Lewis and for the encouragement...this has been a bitch and it's not done kicking my ass so I really appreciated it. Hope you got your homework done too,...