Disclaimer: I do not own HunterxHunter, nor do I profit commercially from these writings.
ABC Series
T IS FOR TOBACCO
Lucian scratched his chin bemusedly. This wasn't how he had planned the visit.
"Mom, pleaaaaaase?"
"No."
He had planned to just come, spoiled the kids rotten with some souvenirs he got from his travel, chatted with and gave Kurapika her share of souvenir, and hogged Lucifer for the rest of the day for some classified talk about 'stuffs' from Abelard Constantin.
"Pretty please? With cherry on top?"
"I said NO. Go back to your room."
But noooo… Things never went the way he planned it. He had come to their house, yes. The kids had greeted him affectionately (read: catapulted themselves toward him and smothered him), yes. He had given them their gifts, yes. He had chatted with Kurapika and gave her a souvenir, yes. Meta stayed away from his bag, NO. Him unearthing off-limit objects from his bag, OH HELL YES.
"Just one! One! Please? I just want to try!"
"NO. This is not for kids!"
"But Moooooooommmm…."
Meta was practically clinging like a rag doll hooked around Kurapika's waist and begged to his mother shamelessly. Kurapika tried to pry the boy off her, while at the same time glaring daggers and swords at Lucian with the tell-tale 'do something about this, this is your fault!' look in her eyes. Lucian could only sigh.
He dangled the tobacco pouch off his bony index finger and tapped Meta's head to get his attention.
"Meta, she's right. This stuff isn't for kids," he paused, and added, "not for any of you except for me, for that matter. This is poisonous."
That had the desired outcome. Meta looked at him in horror and stopped harassing Kurapika. Kurapika meanwhile, looked at Lucian as if he had just said that he lived off heroin.
"But you smoke it!"
"Poisonous for you, but not for me. This stuff is special for my kind. So don't go anywhere near it, okay? It's like arsenic for you."
"But I've seen other people smoke it too! In Fino's inn!"
"Different type. This one is exclusively for me. The ones those people smoke are for you people."
Meta looked enlightened, which made Kurapika glared more at Lucian, and made Lucian hastily added:
"But you still shouldn't smoke them."
"Why?"
"Ummm…." Lucian had to refrain from chewing his own lips as he grovelled for answers. "Because they taste like shit?"
Meta gave him dubious look, while Kurapika narrowed her eyes at him.
"And they give you cancer!" Lucian quickly said triumphantly.
Now Meta looked positively horrified.
"So they ARE poisonous?!"
"Well, yeah… Kinda. It's like inhaling a little bit of poison every time you smoke it."
"So why do they still smoke it? Do they not know that it's poisonous?"
"Some people don't, but some people do…" Lucian felt like he was digging his own grave.
"Then why do they still smoke it?" Meta looked like he had just been told that tomorrow was Judgement's Day.
"Ummm… Well…"
"Because some feel good when they smoke it, and they are simply addicted to it." A new voice said from the doorway.
"Kuroro!" Kurapika chided him, tone dripping with disapproval.
Said man strolled in leisurely with his hands in his pockets. Lucian quickly whipped around and showered Kuroro with 'SAVE ME!' face. He quickly scooted over to give space for the guy to sit on.
"It's the truth." Kuroro said with a smirk. "And I said some, not all."
"It feels good?" Meta tilted his head sideways and frowned in confusion.
"Just like how some masochistic people like to cut themselves because the pain makes them feel good." Kuroro explained with a smile that was just a little bit sadistic.
"Oh. I get that." Meta said with a nod.
Lucian felt like slapping himself at the way Meta readily understood the explanation about masochism and sadism when the kid had a hard time understanding why people like smoking. Sometimes this kid was so incredibly intelligent, but sometimes he was just so incredibly dumb too. Like his father, for that matter. Lucian decided that trait was inherited purely from Lucifer, alright. From the way Kurapika rolled her eyes and shook her head, she seemed to be in the same wavelength as Lucian was in this topic.
"But you just said it's poisonous." Meta continued innocently. "I know poisons don't feel good."
Something clicked in Lucian's mind and he swivelled around to start shrieking: "YOU POISON YOUR OWN KID?!"
"Resistance training." Kuroro corrected him languidly.
Lucian gawked, and then turned to bombard Kurapika.
"AND YOU APPROVED?!"
"Better be safe than sorry later." Kurapika shrugged. "I don't like it, but it's necessary. I had the same training too when I was younger."
"Killua also said he had resistance training when he was my age." Meta said proudly.
"Voi sunteti nebuni! (You guys are insane!) Might as well let him try smoking! It probably won't have any effects on hi—UUMPH!"
Kuroro snickered softly as he fetched and threw back to Kurapika the couch pillow that she had just hurled at Lucian.
"NO! We are not having a smoker in this family!" Kurapika crossed her arms defiantly.
Lucian stared at Kuroro and elbowed him. Of course Kurapika saw that and raised an eyebrow at that.
"What?"
"Actually," Kuroro took the tobacco pouch and fished out the rest of the cigarette-making 'equipment' from Lucian's bag and began expertly making one stick. He then waved the finished cigarette playfully at Kurapika. "I do smoke."
Kurapika looked at him as if he had just said that he had a dozen of twins running around the world. Lucian immediately snatched the cigarette off Kuroro's hand and stuffed it in his pocket away from sight because Meta was eyeing it dangerously curiously. Lucian then pointed a warning finger at the boy and mouthed "No!"
"But I've never seen you smoking. I've never smelt the smoke on you, either." She said, befuddled and a tad wary.
"I don't like it." He shrugged.
Kurapika frowned and blinked, even more bewildered. Meta, meanwhile, had averted his attention from Lucian's pocket to his father. Meta felt confused even more. Lucian said it was poisonous, but Dad said it made people feel good and addicted, and now he said he didn't like it? So it was good or not?
"But you just said—"
"I know the skill, but that doesn't mean I like it." He gave her a wink. "It's the same as how some people learn martial arts not because they like it but out of necessity. I don't smoke unless it's necessary for the missions."
"How is smoking a necessary skill?" She asked dubiously.
"It's a useful skill, Kurapika." He said indulgently. "Between men, smoking can be a form of camaraderie. Certain men—especially in the shady department—are more receptive to people who smoke like they do. Offer them a piece, and it's as good as opening a deal. It's a very useful skill for infiltration."
"So can I try?" Meta quickly asked, eyes sparkling with anticipation.
"NO!" Kurapika hastily said, and turned to Kuroro. "They can learn many different skills that you think useful, but I do not approve this one. No smoking for them!"
"You don't like smoking, Kurapika?"
"No!"
"Have you tried it before?"
"No. I can't even stand the smell in the air. How am I supposed to get that stupid smoke inside me into my lungs? Heck no."
"And I don't like it either. Between your gene and mine, I'm pretty sure Meta won't like it either. Let him experience it."
"I'm not taking chances." Kurapika said stubbornly.
"Would you rather he tries it behind your back secretly without our supervision?"
Meta actually looked sheepish when Kuroro said that while staring at him. Kuroro had an amused smile while Lucian rolled his eyes—like father like son, he thought. Kurapika chewed her lower lips, obviously swayed by Kuroro's argument. The fact that Meta was giving her his best puppy eyes wasn't helping.
"Fine." Kurapika finally gave in, and quickly added before Meta could start cheering, "BUT! Not inside or anywhere around the house. I don't care where, but do it somewhere so I can't smell it."
"Yes, ma'am!" Meta saluted her cheerfully.
"And if he gets addicted and becomes a smoker," Kurapika turned to Kuroro and pointed a warning finger at him, "it's your head on the block."
"Of course." Kuroro said with another indulgent smile.
So that evening found Kuroro teaching Meta how to roll the cigarette stick and smoke it like a pro, while Lucian and one curious Shalnark watched on the sideline. They decided to conduct the lesson outdoor on the river bank of one of the streams in the mountain to minimise the risk of forest fire. Of course, like any other first-timer, Meta coughed so bad until his eyes were tearing and on instinct he threw the cigarette stick into the stream.
To everyone's relief—Kuroro included—Meta indeed hated smoking. He refused to continue the 'lesson', but Kuroro simply had an indulgent smile as he patiently coaxed the boy to perfect his acting skill of smoking-the-stupid-cancer-stick-like-it's-a-piece-of-lolipop (skill name courtesy to Lucian's passing remark and encouragement).
"I don't understand." Lucian suddenly said as he observed Meta trying to rinse the foul taste out of his mouth with the stream water.
"What is it?"
"Why doesn't Kurapika just threaten him with the universal 'couch for you tonight' threat? You know, the trick or punishment that women always pull off when they are pissed off at their men?"
"Seriously? You think anybody can make Danchou sleep in the couch when there's a perfectly fine king-sized bed in the house? Not even Kurapika can do it. Nope."
"…He probably seduces her before she can say the words."
"Don't make it sound so lewd." Shalnark elbowed him in protest.
"Only to Kurapika, though." Lucian said with a grin.
Shalnark was about to open his mouth to protest, but decided against it because that statement actually had some merit. He had never seen Danchou showing the faintest sliver of attraction to anyone else; male or female, except for Kurapika. He regarded most females as pawns for his games or strategy, toying with them and using them as stepping stones. In fact, even when he was bored Danchou never resorted to women. There was even some hushed talk among the Spiders that Danchou might be gay (before Kurapika came to the picture), and that Lucian might be his partner. Danchou and Lucian sometimes bickered like old married couple. They still did now, but it was nothing compared to how Danchou bickered with Kurapika.
Lucian hadn't planned his visit to be this weird.
He also hadn't planned to be laughing his guts out, cackling and guffawing tearfully while rolling on the ground as Kurapika banned father and son from entering the house; practically slamming the door in their faces.
Reason for the ban was because they reeked of tobacco smell and Kurapika was not going to have any tobacco smell lingering in the house. Nope. Over her dead body. So she enlisted the help of Bia in erecting a Nen barrier around the house as long as Kuroro and Meta still had tobacco smell on them. Of course the white-haired girl was just too happy to comply with Mommy Dearest's wish, because Bia absolutely hated the smell of tobacco herself.
Logically, of course Kuroro could break down Bia's barrier but doing so would incur some major collateral damage. Bia's Nen barrier was designed so that it would go out with a BANG! when it was breached, and she tended to make it really strong. She took no chances, just like her mother. Kuroro would have to exert considerable amount of Nen to break down the barrier, and the impact of the collision would probably destroy their porch and the front door. He had no desire to do carpenter work. So off they went to the stream to take a bath and clean their clothes.
Lucian was having the time of his life.
Author's Note: This chapter was inspired by an image I saw in zerochan dot net slash 1496526. Kuroro doesn't really strike me as the smoking type; he looks too clean-cut to do that kind of thing. But then again, he probably knows how to smoke for the sake of knowing. He's the type that likes to be able to do everything.