A/N Ok, I've been so amazed at the comments I had for the last chapter, I expected to be tongue lashed for being so sick and cruel...instead I found people very open...I'm more grateful for your kind words and your acceptance than I can ever adequately communicate...I'm also glad that her confusion is finding understanding...it sounds like such a basic and obvious thing, to know what happened...but it really isn't...

I'm very conscious that I gave people the choice to read the more graphic description of her experience although I still tried to keep it clear but not too graphic...so if you chose to skip it, I think this will still make sense, as her experiences are alluded to gently...

As always I'd love to hear from you, in any way, any comment, it means more than you can imagine...

"In your eyes" by Peter Gabriel, again being a music snob the version performed live in Capetown South Africa in 2004 for the 46664 concert for Mandela with Youssou N'Dour and Angelique Kidjo is by far the best ever...check it out on you tube...

"I'm a cop, my definition is the legal one."

"I'm a lawyer, Liv, I understand the legalities, but as a man, legal definitions aren't always adequate...Outside of a courtroom, this man believes the dictionary definition, with the addition of the term 'however slight', but where does that leave you?"

"So you're saying he did...that I should have taken his plea deal?" My anger is instant, and burns incandescently.

"That's not what I'm saying Liv, not at all...fuck his deal...he's dead and I'm glad...I don't care about his deal... I care about you...if you stray from the narrow legal definition...if you use a different definition, then how do things change, for you...?"

"You mean if I have to admit that he did actually rape me...? "

My blunt, harsh, words surprise us both. As silence descends on us, we both seem to realize the truth in my awful words...

It seems like there are absolutely no words possible, for either of us, in this circumstance.

His face is a mask of shock and pain, and I can only imagine mine looks very similar.

He looks straight at me, almost unable to look anywhere else, as I look anywhere but into the green eyes that bore into my soul.

The silence stretches out lengthily, before us, and neither of us seems to know how to break it, so we don't try.

We sit there cradling cooling tea that neither of us is drinking, lost in our thoughts.

Eventually his croaky voice whispers, "I don't know what to say, or do, Liv..."

"Neither do I"

"We can't pretend you didn't say it..."

I shake my head, I know we can't.

"Do you think you can talk about it?"

'Accepting all I've done and said

I want to stand and stare again

'Til there's nothing left out, oh whoa whoa'

I want to say no, I don't want to try to discuss this now, but I also can't get it out of my head, I don't want to leave it hanging over me...unresolved...

I shrug non-committedly.

He rubs his hands over his face, pulling his tie off and opening his shirt, until little more than half the buttons are still done.

"What are you thinking Liv?"

"...Definitions..."

He nods thoughtfully. "It's not something I've ever thought enough about Liv...I've always known the legal definition is too narrow, we see that too often...and I know some of the neighbouring state's definitions, and federal definitions, but how did I never think of it like this?"

I can't stop myself from pushing my chair beside him and wrapping my arms tightly around him. When I make that first move, there is no more hesitation on his part, as his arms wind around me, and he gently kisses me.

'It remains there in your eyes

Whatever comes and goes

I will hear your silent call

I will touch this tender wall

'Til I know I'm home again, oh'

"I didn't mean to push you like this Liv..."

"No Rafael, you didn't...it's been in my head for a while...I'm not sure it ever really left...I know it's stupid...but it really matters..."

"Liv, I'm so scared of saying the wrong thing, of hurting you accidentally, will you promise to clarify, or tell me if I say something you don't really know what I mean by, or something that upsets you?"

His care for me touches me deeply, and I stroke his cheek, "I promise..."

"Liv do you really think that... raping you... was his whole intent?"

I shake my head, "No. I know it wasn't. I know he focused so intently on me, because he wanted to break me down, from the haughty, self-confident, in-control woman he saw in his interrogation...I know breaking me down was what he wanted..."

He takes my face in his hands, caressing it softly, "That... he did fail at Liv..."

"Sometimes I'm not so sure..." the words are mouthed rather than said out loud.

"I am Liv, you are not broken...he did not break you...he hurt you, so badly, even worse than I was aware of...but you are so strong that it didn't break you, he didn't break you..."

"I didn't lie Rafael, by our legal definition, he didn't..."

A tear escapes down his cheek, which I kiss away tenderly.

"I know Liv. You didn't lie. In this state, with the way the law is, we couldn't have made any other case...but..." he falters until I nod for him to continue, "if we were to push the law to one side, how do you feel?"

"You mean, does it feel like he sexually assaulted me...?"

There's a long hesitation before he answers, "I don't know whether it helps or hurts to be having this conversation, I don't whether putting a definition on what happened, is what you really want to do...I don't know what that definition should be...I can only imagine how confusing this all is..."

I take him by the hand and lead him to the couch where I curl into him as tight as I can, and he gladly curls into me.

'Love, I get so lost, sometimes

Days pass and this emptiness fills my heart

When I want to run away I drive off in my car

But whichever way I go, I come back to the place you are'

"I was afraid you wouldn't want me when you heard..." I whisper...

He meets my eyes carefully before he speaks, and his voice is strong and confident, "Liv, nothing you could ever say, nothing he did, nothing he could ever do, would change how I feel about you...I'm a bit shocked, I'm devastated for you, that you went through that, that you kept it all inside, that you felt so much pain...but it doesn't change anything...Liv, te quiero...I know it scares you, and there's no reciprocation expected, there's no pressure, I just want you to know, I'm not going anywhere...do you really want to try and define what happened?"

'And all my instincts, they return

And the grand facade, so soon will burn

Without a noise, without my pride

I reach out from the inside

In your eyes, the light, the heat

In your eyes I am complete

In your eyes, the resolution

Of all the fruitless searches'

His words have terrified me...so I'm very glad he has quickly changed the subject and given me something else to focus on.

I can only nod softly, I need a definition, I need to be able to say what he did to me and believe it is what he did, not to have to say 'he sexually assaulted me...and the other stuff...' for one moment longer.

"I know I wasn't always conscious, and that he could have done something then...but I don't think he did...I just need to be able to say in my own head that what happened was...without feeling like I need to add a codicil."

He gently strokes my hair, "Ok...let's do that then...dictionary?..."

I know he is being slightly oblique in his references to make it easier on me...he knows that I'm no longer trying to hide, but he also knows how difficult this is...

I nod tightly.

"With the 'however slight'?"

"I don't know Rafael. This feels a little like 'attempted rape'...it feels ridiculous...at what point does sexual assault become attempted rape? At what point does attempted rape become rape? It's all too subjective, too open to interpretation..."

"I know Liv, and I do agree, but we're not writing laws, we're not deciding for other people, do you feel the words "however slight" should be in the definition, our personal definition..."

My jaw clenches as I bite down, I can only nod again. When I push back the semantics, there are no degrees to this, the violation is achieved instantly...it's not a matter of inches, any invasion is a violation,... and just like that the realization I had been fighting dawns on me.

My own words have clarified my feelings,... he did...not as he wanted to...not as he intended to...but he did...when any part of his body, or a foreign object penetrated my body, he raped me...the words don't feel real in my head...they've rumbled around in there for too long, as I debated them, to be able to feel their truth in silence.

"Any invasion is...a violation...any part of him...any... tool..."

He nods so sadly, he can see my recognition, and he can't hold back the tears...

"Even the gun in my mouth...the threat of...killing me..."

He just holds me tight to him.

"The gun...his fingers..."

As my tears start to flow, he cradles my sobbing body to him.

"Legally he didn't, but Rafael...he raped me...he did...didn't he?"

He knows how important my whispered question is, so he looks me in the eye, "Yes...Liv, he did...I'm so sorry, and I know this is a horrific revelation, that it's agonizing for you, that it feels like he has won...but nothing has changed...he has done exactly the same thing as he had done yesterday, or last year...this doesn't make what you suffered any more, or any less...what he did to you was monstrous, no matter what you call it...you still survived it, you are still thriving...none of that, is changed by this...He didn't get what he wanted, no matter what he did, no matter how he tortured you...you are not broken, and he is dead..."

I cling to him as tears roll down my face. I'm sobbing, and there is huge pain in the admission, but surprisingly there is no despair. Somewhere deep inside me there is nothing new in this realization...I've said words I've never said before, but perhaps the idea is not completely new to me.

'Love, I don't like to see so much pain

So much wasted and this moment keeps slipping away

I get so tired of working so hard for our survival

I look to the time with you to keep me awake and alive'

I raise my head and see the tears rolling down Rafael's face too...

"How am I not completely enveloped in despair? How do I not feel like the world is ending?" I ask.

"Because you have taken back the last bit of power he had Liv..."

I try to figure out what he means, how have I taken back any power? All I have done is admit that despite all my assertions that he didn't get to me, he couldn't rape me, and he wasn't man enough to be able to complete the act...he did rape me. There's no power in that. I should feel even worse, weaker... I'm tempted to say nothing, but I remember my promise...

"I don't understand Rafael?"

"I told you there was no power in the words Liv, that you had the power, you were in control...I didn't really understand what you were telling me, what had happened, but the only power in the words is hiding them, or pulling them out of the shadows into the open, because when there is no more secret to hide, he loses his last claim on you...the power isn't the words, it's the ability to admit them, to face up to them..."

"But Rafael, if there is no power in the words, why did he offer to plead to...rape...why did he want to allocute to it in open court?

"I'm so sorry Liv, I couldn't figure out why he offered that...I had some doubts...but..." he shakes his head quickly as if to clear his head of some unwanted images or thoughts, "he wanted to force you to admit something you weren't ready to admit, he wanted to force you to hide, or to say something he hoped would break you down, because he knew he hadn't done it yet..."

"I hid..."

"For a time Liv...but some things take time...he tried to force your hand...and you wouldn't let him..."

'In your eyes, I see the light and the heat

In your eyes

Oh, I want to be that complete

I want to touch the light

The heat I see in your eyes'

"Can we talk about the trial Rafael?"

I don't miss the tightening of his jaw and the deep swallow, or the flash of guilt that crosses his eyes.

"Of course Liv, I'm so sorry, I should have done more...I should have tripped him up, or forced him to reveal himself...he should never have been free to kidnap you and I should have gotten a conviction on the attempted rape charge..."

Now it's my turn to tip his chin to meet my eyes, "No Rafael, you did everything you could. Do you hear me? There is no reason for you to feel guilty. Not for him walking when Ms. Parker died, not for being unable to get a conviction on the sexual charges...none of it...I don't blame you, I never blamed you...We should have talked about it, so long before now...but I was so...anxious... to not mention it...like not talking about it could erase it...from history, from everybody's memory...Rafael, you are not to blame...you fought for me..."

I can see he is hearing me, but the guilt is too deep to be absolved so easily...

"I was so wrapped up in my own pain, during the trial...I couldn't let anyone else's in...it felt like another ounce of pain would tip me over the edge...but when I was talking to Fin, when you cared enough to call Fin and lay yourself open to him, for me...he reminded me that Lewis' trial nearly ate you up whole, he said they could see it was killing you...he was shocked that we'd never talked about it...I know you feel guilty, I was afraid that mentioning it would make you feel worse, but he was right when he told me that maybe you need to hear me say that I don't blame you, I appreciate how hard you fought for me, how you treated me so much like an equal, you never allowed me to feel weak, you never babied me but you always did everything you could to protect me, you never tried to BS me, you gave me the choice when Lewis offered to plead...you managed to help me feel like myself, even when I was breaking apart inside...I need you to hear it, and I need to say it...we weren't together Rafael, but you got me through it..."

'And all my instincts, they return

And the grand facade, so soon will burn

Without a noise, without my pride

I reach out from the inside

In your eyes, the light, the heat

In your eyes I am complete

In your eyes I see the doorway

To a thousand churches

In your eyes, the resolution

Of all the fruitless searches

In your eyes, I see the light and the heat

In your eyes

Oh, I want to be that complete

I want to touch the light

The heat I see in your eyes'

"But I made you relive it and still didn't get convictions, I couldn't stop him from twisting it all..."

"No Rafael you couldn't...you tried, but you couldn't..." my hands caress his face, "the trial was horrible...it felt like it was pulling the last parts of me apart...and when he decided to represent himself, I thought I couldn't take anymore...but every time I looked at you, I could see how absolutely livid you were at his questions, I could see how frustrated you were, how disgusted at him you were...I could see your support for me...I know I made it harder for you, trying to keep things from you,... and after Amanda's admission about Patton, I began to understand how hard it had to have been for you, looking at those photographs, reading the statements and reports, knowing what he did...you could have recused yourself, but you didn't, you fought for me..."

I kiss him gently as I finish speaking. I know guilt is not washed away in one heartfelt speech, but the door has been opened. I can see he finds some relief in the fact that I don't blame him.

"Rafael, you have been there for me...at every turn...even before we...you help me more than I believed was possible..."

I try to get my thoughts in line, to marshal them into some semblance of order...I try to figure out what I'm feeling...

"I've whispered words I never wanted to say about myself...Lewis did rape me...maybe not legally but he did...I've avoided saying that for too long, hell, I've avoided even acknowledging it in my own head, for fear of the damage it would do, knowing the repercussions that even, a private admission like that, would have...I was so sure coming into this conversation, that you would be disgusted, that you would walk away...but you didn't walk away...and saying those words, it isn't killing me, it's a relief...I feel free..."

He smiles as he peppers small kisses across my face, hugging me tightly.

"Liv you are the strongest woman I have ever met."

"Rafael,...I saw how upset you were when you heard what Patton did to Amanda...I saw how upset you were when I told you about Lewis...I know how much of a toll hearing something like that can take, please talk to one of the guys? Or a shrink? Please talk to someone? I need you healthy...I told Amanda today, that I needed to tell you what happened, she said she would be there if you want to talk, and you know Fin is there...They're my family, you don't have to keep secrets from them...you can tell them what I said...I'll tell them in time anyway...I know from Amanda's case against Patton, and Nadia's murder, how hard it hits when it's someone you know...I can only imagine how this will eat away at you if you let it, it has chipped away at me for too long already...I know there are some things you can't say to me, yet, at least...talk to them though...I know it helped me to talk to Fin and Amanda...and I know how much trust you put in Fin for me, do it again?"

He nods slowly, "Yeah, I will...it is hard to hear, hard to imagine you going through...Fin said he could maybe help me find a boyfriends and husbands support group, if you don't mind?"

I smile widely, resting my head on his chest as my arms wrap around him once more, his arms rest on my shoulders stroking through my hair.

"I don't want you to go anywhere Rafael...and since we're about to disclose our relationship to 1PP, IAB and the DA, I think it would be very appropriate for you to find a boyfriends group...and when you are ready, you can talk to me too, because I'm not going anywhere either..."

'Accepting all I've done and said

I want to stand and stare again

'Til there's nothing left out, oh whoa whoa

It remains there in your eyes

Whatever comes and goes

Oh, it's in your eyes'

A/N te quiero = I love you in spanish

FicFriend; Thank you so much...yeah the gun...it couldn't but be in there...Stop looking over the mad monkey's shoulders and robbing their plans! Hahahaah if only they had plans! It's definitely a big part of it all...I'm so glad that you felt it too...rape is about power and control not sex...
She knows it, but as always knowing it and feeling it, well they're not the same thing I suppose...and the admission is so new for her, it might take some time to really sink in.

xCalliopexPlantainx; I'm glad the fact that it wasn't quite what you were expecting didn't bother you too much...The confusion I'm afraid is all too common, why else do we use any other words we can, why do we minimize our experiences, why do we avoid the hard terms, like it changes anything for us...Liv is probably still not going to run around telling people her new realization, but she is coming to terms with it, and I've no doubt in time, she will tell her family...baby steps still make forward momentum.
She couldn't do it without Rafael, Fin, Amanda, and even Carisi. I suppose it really does take a village...I did always hope that the show would give us more information about what she hid, but I guess leaving it to us to fill in the gaps is powerful too...Thanks so much.

MrsChilton; Thanks a lot. I really do believe that Amanda and Liv have been hugely brought together by shared horrors...I'm glad you feel my version of events is plausible in the show...it felt so wrong to subject her to such horrors...but it felt like it was a truth...it felt like what Lewis would do...the control, the demeaning callousness, the attempt to break her down...I was worried Rafael would try to be strong, to push his emotions aside but he just couldn't...I can't quite push the worry about how difficult this can be on partners aside...I think it took huge strength and trust to allow her to see his pain too...and I hope he doesn't try to pretend he is fine...he can't be...

Feilon; What you said about Liv's experiences when I asked for opinions, stuck with me so much...it felt like when you echoed my thoughts that she clung too tightly to the assertion that he didn't rape her, something had to have happened...I had permission to let it out...it felt that the dark and twisty thoughts weren't just a sickness in my head...it was horribly painful, to write, to read, to imagine...but sometimes truth needs to come face to face with pain...Thank you will never be enough...

Intala; As always so many thank yous...I do think it is healing...in a strange way... I'd love to claim I only researched definitions for this story...but it's been a long held obsession...definitions vary so wildly from territory to territory...it's almost impossible...so many are not gender neutral...so many are archaic...so many are just straight up wrong...and even as they are changed, there is so much room for them to be improved...even the definitions of consent...I have no clue where we start, and especially for young men and women, how they can hope to navigate this minefield without hugely intimate and difficult conversations...we have to get so much better at talking to each other...taboos have to be a thing of the past...
She definitely did play semantics and hide in easier definitions, and I suppose it does explain her struggle better...I suppose she could only make such an admission with huge help...and he was there for her...as always...I loved that they both had no idea what to say or do, but knew her words couldn't and shouldn't be ignored...that has a power in itself...