Santana had to get out of the house and let herself breathe that night. Quinn was being weird and Sofia was being smothering. Santana needed time to think. Even though, truthfully, there was only one thing on her mind. Santana truly did find herself pathetic for this stupid crush on Buffy Summers. She had just gotten over Brittany, hadn't she? Couldn't she hold off from pining over pretty blondes for a second?
She liked to think she wasn't just shallow, though. She liked to think that Buffy was just the kind of girl you fell in love with. No-one was to blame. It was like the slayer had this indescribable thing about her. The attitude and the sarcasm and the cuteness. She had her own way of speaking and her own way of everything, for that matter. Santana liked that more than anything. She liked the thought that something so dark could be wrapped under some so sweet.
Or maybe it was Buffy's shiny hair or her slender thighs. Or maybe it was the way she wore boots and leather jackets with her cheerleading uniform. Maybe it was the short, frayed haircut she'd gotten last summer. Maybe Santana was just addicted to love. Maybe Santana was just addicted to pain.
God, and there she was, walking down the street towards Santana with her hands shoved into her jacket. She looked adorable and determined, like she was headed to kick someone's ass.
"Slayer," Santana called, trying to force indifference into her voice.
The slayer looked over from where she paced across the street. "Hey," Buffy greeted as the women met each other in the middle of the empty suburban road, "What are you doing?"
"Lurking," Santana smirked, "You look like you're headed to slay something. Can I come?"
"Sure. I'm not so much sure that the slaying is required, though. Something weird is going on with everybody at school."
"Wierd, like, stunningly quiet and smiley and beige, weird?"
"Yeah," Buffy widened her hazel eyes, "How did you know?"
"Quinn told me about how homosexuality is a sin," shrugged Santana, "I mean, I know she's a little conservative, but I thought that was a bit uncharacteristic, don't ya think?"
Buffy nodded. "It must be brainwashing. I'm going to the community centre to see."
"What's at the community centre?"
"Sam says there's a Christ Crusaders meeting tonight and like, half the school is showing up dressed in uniform off-white."
Santana bit the inside of her cheek at the mention of Buffy's boyfriend. It reminded her to stop being so damn giddy every time she thought about Buffy. There were a million reasons to give up on this new infatuation. One of them was that Buffy had a boyfriend, and Santana was done being a homewrecker. Another was that, hello, Buffy was a slayer and Santana was a vampire. Another would be that Buffy probably wasn't into girls. The biggest one was that Santana's soul would evaporate if she found perfect happiness.
The girls found their way to the Lima community centre and stepped into the foyer, looking around for people dressed in pastel. All they found was Kurt with a bored look in his feline eyes, sitting on one of the polyester chairs.
"Kurt, what are you doing here?" asked Buffy.
"Finn told me to come to this meeting tonight," Kurt shrugged, standing up in his Vivienne Westwood ensemble, "I figured I show up to try to find out what kind of cult had bodysnatched him."
"We were here for the same thing," said Santana, dropping her hip with one foot kicked out.
"Well, I think we got here too late," Kurt yawned, "Nobody's around."
"Hey!" Buffy called out over Kurt's shoulder, "Stoner Brett!"
The others looked down the hall to see the boy with the dark red hair and the pale face, with a loose yellow argyle sweater tied over his skinny shoulders.
"It's not Stoner Brett anymore," he said, smiling with his fresh new haircut, "It's just Brett."
"That's so weird," Kurt wrinkled his nose, "Brett, you smell like lavender."
Brett beamed. "Well, I got my life together, Kurt. I threw out all of my marijuana, stopped listening to the Baha Men and started taking more showers."
"And joined the Christ Crusaders, right?" asked Buffy.
"That's right," Brett smiled, "Best decision of my life."
"Right," Buffy smiled broadly, "Say, the God squad wouldn't be around tonight, would they?"
"No, you must have missed the meeting," Brett shrugged, "Sorry. Maybe you'll make the next one."
"Yeah, maybe," Buffy sighed with disappointment, "Thanks, Sto- I mean, Brett."
"No problem. Have a good night, you guys," Brett smiled and walked away down the hall in his beige flannel pants.
"What we do now?" Kurt set his hands on his hips.
"Maybe we should just wait until tomorrow," said Santana, "I mean, they're not in any immediate danger, so what's the big deal? Oh no, everyone's stopped doing drugs and having sex!"
"Wait a second," Buffy raised an eyebrow, "I think my Spidey senses are tingling."
"You've spent too much time with Sam," Kurt smirked.
"What is it, Killer?" asked Santana.
"If the meeting's over, then where did Brett go?" Buffy asked aloud, staring down the empty hall of the community centre.
"Anyone up for some good old-fashioned night stalking?" asked Kurt.
The three of them followed Brett down the hallway, keeping an inconspicuous distance and watched as he walked through a door to one of the meeting rooms. Each of the three piled over each other to look through the window in the closed door, looking like a scene from Scooby Doo. There was the whole herd of them - Penny, Morgan, Brett, Quinn, Finn, even Karofsky and Azimio - dressed in their yuppie costumes and standing among a bunch of plastic chairs.
A few of the football guys came in through the back, grunting as they tugged people along with them, their wrists tied together with frayed rope and their heads concealed under burlap sacks. There were at least six people being dragged in, tied up with their vision compromised. One of the hostages were set down on a plastic chair, and Penny walked forward to remove the sack from their head. Buffy was shocked to see it was Mike, red in the face.
Buffy gasped. If they had captured Mike, then it was only fair to assume that one of those girls with their heads concealed were Rachel or Tina. Buffy hand darted to the door knob, but Santana quickly caught her wrist.
"They have my friends!" Buffy hissed.
"Just wait, Slayer," said Santana, knitting her eyebrows as she stared through the small window in the door.
Penny was talking to Mike. The three of them had no idea what she was saying, but she seemed calm - even friendly. Mike was staring up at her with wide eyes and seemed to looked more and more with relieved with each passing second. When Penny quickly finished talking, some of the Khaki Crew helped untie Mike. Buffy raised her eyebrows in confusion as Penny and Mike leaned forward and hugged.
"What is going on?" she shook her head.
"I don't know," said Santana, "But don't go in there. Not yet. It's not all those Westboro Baptists you need to deal with. It's Penny."
xxx
Quinn got up early the next morning so she'd have time to have a half-hour run before breakfast. She went back home, careful not to wake anyone, and took a lengthy shower. She brushed her hair and decided not to wear makeup today. She reminded herself that her appearance didn't define her as a person. She smiled at herself in the mirror. It was a happy smile, albeit artificial.
With her cream-colored headband gingerly secured around her golden hair, she skipped downstairs, eagerly sniffing the air for the smell of bacon and eggs. She could hear breakfast crackling in the kitchen and Sofia talking to someone. That's odd, thought Quinn.
She walked through the arch to the kitchen to see Sofia cooking bacon at the stove and Jesse sitting at the island counter, sipping grapefruit juice. He looked up and raised his eyebrow at Quinn, his lip curling up.
"Quinn..." he greeted her.
"Hello, Jesse," Quinn smiled vacantly.
Jesse just looked at her up and down. He wasn't sure what he had expected, but it wasn't this. It wasn't headband and cable knit tights. She looked like Rachel Berry.
"Good morning, Queen," Sofia beamed.
"Good morning, Sofia. Jesse, what are you doing here?"
Jesse clenched his jaw as he looked from her pleated skirt to her face. "I, uh... I was going to offer you a ride to school."
Quinn smiled sweetly. "That's thoughtful, Jesse, but my friends from school are picking me up."
"Quinn," Jesse sighed, "What is wrong with you?"
"I don't know what you're talking about."
"Why are you dressing like an extra in Spring Awakening?" he asked, "And why have you been skipping training?"
"Jes, Queen," Sofia said over her shoulder, "Jou have to follow through weeth jour commeetments."
Quinn's mouth fell open. "I do follow through with my commitments, I just... I apologize, Jesse. I should have told you. I'm giving up witchcraft."
Jesse spluttered. "Like Hell you are."
"Excuse me?"
"Quinn, you're one of the most naturally powerful wiccans I've ever met. Giving up witchcraft would be the biggest mistake you could ever make!" He leaned in, his voice now hushed. "Did you forget why you started training with me in the first place?"
Quinn pursed her lips. "Jesse," she said quietly, "Witchcraft is the work of the devil."
Jesse eyes widened. "You've been brainwashed."
"No, I have not," Quinn rolled her eyes with a condescending smile, "I've just been shown the path to righteousness."
"Queen," Sofia furrowed her brow, "What are jou talkeeng about?"
Jesse stood up and raised three fingers to Quinn's forehead, keeping them at her temple for a few moments, whispering, "Orcis liberare mens ista peregrinæ magicae."
Quinn blinked and crinkled her forehead in confusion, looking as if she'd just caught her breath.
"Jesse..." she breathed.
Jesse folded his arms over his dark sweater, looking serious and somehow smug. "You let yourself get brainwashed, Fabray. Very amateur."
xxx
Buffy cupped her knees and held them to her chest on the living room couch, watching with silent horror as Rod Remington grinned cheesily behind her TV screen.
"Already, the Christ Crusaders have made a definite impact on William McKinley High School. The president of the celibacy club, Penny Larson, claims they won't stop until her they've has spread the word of righteousness throughout the town," he said, flashing his veneers.
The camera cut to Penny standing in an alcove at McKinley, talking candidly into a microphone.
"It's not just about celibacy," she said with excitement, "It's about returning to the kind of moral values that were left behind long before this generation. The sex, the felonies, the anti-social behavior... You don't have to behave like this. You can be so much better."
Buffy shuddered as her mother walked in, in the midst of fastening a pearl to her ear.
"Doesn't that girl go to your school?" asked Joyce, peering down at the screen.
"Uh huh."
"That club is doing a wonderful thing for the community, Buffy. Maybe she'll rub off on you."
Buffy grimaced. "Let's hope not," she said under her breath.
xxx
Quinn had stripped the beige and olive green fabric off of her skin and had slipped a Kate Spade dress on instead. She wasn't mad that she'd missed training with Jesse. She wasn't even mad that she had quit the Cheerios. But she was mad that she had spent three weeks of allowance on a shopping spree at Land's End and didn't even get a cute belt or a hat. She was glad Jesse was there to drive her to school because she was in no shape to get behind the steering wheel.
"When I see Penny Larson I'm gonna melt her head off," Quinn said heatedly.
"Now, now," Jesse smirked, "We're going to go about this like civilized persons, Quinn. We're going to go tattle-tell to that demon hunter in your class, and she will melt Penny's head off."
"She's called a slayer, Jesse," Quinn rolled her eyes, "And she can't melt anyone's head off. I mean, she could probably roundhouse kick her to a bloody pulp-"
"Let's not get ahead of ourselves, alright?"
Jesse pulled his SUV into the parking lot of McKinley High and was one step behind Quinn as they stormed into the school, looking for Buffy Summers amidst the neutral colors. As the bell rang and students hurried to class at a faster pace than was usual, Quinn spotted her glee club teacher rushing down the hall.
"Mr. Schuester!" she called, "I need to talk to you!"
"Hello, Quinn," Mr. Schuester smirked, "What do you need to talk about?"
"It's about the Christ Crusaders-"
"Are you joining?!" he asked excitedly, "It's such a good way to get you on the right path, Quinn. I'm glad to see you trying to better yourself."
With her mouth hung open, Quinn looked up and down at her teacher's outfit. The coral sweater set should have been a red flag.
"Have you seen Buffy?" asked Jesse, "We wanted to recruit her."
Mr. Schuester blinked at Jesse. "Didn't you go to Carmel High?"
"I transferred."
"I thought you graduated?"
"Held back! So, can you tell us where Buffy is?!" Jesse asked loudly in the now near silent hall.
"She's here."
Quinn and Jesse turned around to see Buffy walking towards them in a Cheerios uniform, a gray hoodie slung over her shoulders.
"You kids better get to class," smiled Mr. Schuester.
"Right," Quinn beamed, "We're just going to take Buffy off to a Christ Crusaders meeting-"
"No, you are not!" Buffy widened her eyes.
Quinn gritted her teeth and glared at Buffy with her back to Mr. Schuester. "Buffy. We need to talk about some of the issues around here."
Buffy looked dubiously between Quinn and Jesse's knowing looks. "Uh... Okay."
"Great," smiled Quinn, "We'll see you later, Mr. Schuester."
"See you later, kids."
With Quinn and Jesse on her either side, Buffy was dragged away to an empty classroom. Quinn shut the door behind her and rested her back against it, looking bewildered.
"Needless to say, there is a problem with the people who go to your school," said Jesse, resting his hands on his hips.
"I thought they brainwashed you," said Buffy, looking up and down at Quinn in her vintage clothing.
"They did," Quinn gritted her teeth, slightly embarrassed, "Jesse un-brainwashed me."
"You can do that?" Buffy asked, looking over at Jesse with surprise, "Rachel mentioned you studied magic, but-"
"You told Rachel that I study magic?!" Jesse questioned Quinn with his dark eyebrows raised.
"We have a bigger problem right now!" Quinn snapped.
"Can you un-brainwash the others?" asked Buffy.
"I don't have enough magical energy to reverse the hexes put on everyone in the entire school," Jesse sighed, "And even if I did, I doubt any of these zombies are just going to line up to be demoralized. What we have to do is get to the root cause."
"Penny," Buffy said aloud.
"I suggested we melt her head off," Quinn said bitterly.
"I don't know if we ought to go that far," said Buffy, "But Penny Larson must be stopped. That's for sure. I know I need my research team."
"You have a research team?" Jesse cocked one eyebrow, impressed.
"Rachel and Tina are her research team," Quinn said listlessly.
"We gotta go back out there and find them, okay?" asked Buffy.
"What if we find Penny first?" asked Quinn.
"Well, this time we know what to expect. Do you guys have your iPods?" asked Buffy.
Jesse removed his iTouch from his faux leather jacket pocket and Quinn took out her travel-sized shuffle as Buffy stuck one purple earphone in, quickly connecting them to her cellphone. Quinn and Buffy turned on the first loud song that came up, while Jesse scrolled through his mp3 player, the tip of his tongue sticking out of the corner of his mouth.
"Jesse, what are you doing?" asked Quinn.
"These kind of moments need the perfect soundtrack, Quinn," he replied with his eyes glued to the small screen.
Buffy watched impatiently as a Linkin Park song flooded into one of her ears. "Did you find it yet?"
Jesse smirked at his iTouch and returned it to his pocket with a smug grin. "Oh, yes. The Skrillex remix of 'In For The Kill' by the British electropop duo, La Roux. The original has been on my Top 25 Most Played since its release in 2009, but this remix was just made for kicking ass."
"Thank you for the play-by-play," Quinn groaned as one ear was bombarded by the sounds of The Pretty Reckless.
"Let's get this party started," Jesse said with determination and walked out the classroom, the girls following with reluctant grins.
Quinn and Jesse veered onto a different route from Buffy, heading towards the school's northern exit, their respective iPods playing loud in their ears. Quinn screeched to a stop in her ankle boots, Jesse stopping short closely after her as an almost unrecognizable Noah Puckerman walked towards them. He walked forward with a smile in his tight, powder blue sweater and, of course, khaki pants. He had a clear box of thumbtacks in one hand and posters for the Christ Crusaders hanging over the other arm. He said something with a smile, but Quinn and Jesse couldn't hear him with their iPods in.
"Hello, Noah!" Quinn said loudly, her voice only a quiet muffle in her own ears.
"I was just taking Quinn to her dentist appointment!" yelled Jesse.
"I had some bad meat in my breakfast burrito!" said Quinn, "I'm going home!"
Puck furrowed his brow at the duo as they brushed past him with nervous expressions.
Buffy had ventured further into the school. No-one had been in the choir room, but she could see from here that Rachel was milling around behind the murky glass walls of Mr. Schuester's office. Buffy couldn't tell, however, if her friend had been brainwashed or not, because argyle, flannel and khaki were actually pretty usual for Rachel.
Buffy walked into the office and locked the door behind her, with 'Bleed It Out' blasting in her ears. She grimaced as Rachel painted the finishing touches on a Christ Crusaders poster.
"Hello, Buffy," Rachel greeted with a warm smile, "Mr. Schuester let me use his office to make posters for the Christ Crusaders. Do you want to help?" But Buffy couldn't hear her.
"Rachel! You've been brainwashed! I know that brainwashed you probably isn't vastly different from the real you, but still! You have to come with me so Jesse can fix you!"
Rachel wrinkled her nose. "Buffy, you're not making any sense. I should take you to see Penny."
"I didn't want to have to use my powers against you but if you won't come with me, I'm going to have to make you!"
Buffy gripped Rachel's waist and tried to throw the skinny girl over her shoulder, but to Buffy's surprise, Rachel wriggled around like a slippery fish. Rachel shouted for help as she slipped in and out of Buffy's forceful holds, trying to reach for the door. Rachel looked up slightly as she heard someone banging on the thick glass door.
"Penny, help me!" Rachel shouted as she fought against Buffy's arms.
"Buffy!" shouted Penny, "Buffy, listen to me! You don't have to behave like this! You can be so much better!"
"She has her earphones in!" Rachel called.
"Rip her earphones out, Rachel!" Penny ordered with frustration.
xxx
Quinn and Jesse bounded down the steps at the entrance of McKinley High with their earphones in, and Quinn collided right into Sam Evans, with his gold hair parted and a yellow, button-down shirt over his broad shoulders.
"Sam!" Quinn said too loudly, music encompassing her hearing.
"Quinn. What are you doing?" Sam asked, his full lips stretched out in a broad smile.
"You've been brainwashed!" Quinn shouted, "We're here to help you!"
"What are you talking about?"
Quinn lightly hit Jesse's shoulder and pointed at Sam. "Fix him!"
Jesse clenched his jaw and held his fingers out to Sam's forehead. Sam quickly smacked Jesse's hand away.
"What are you two up to?" asked Sam, now frowning.
"We're here to help you!" shouted Jesse.
Quinn nudged Jesse and nodded behind Sam as a very large crowd of the Christ Crusaders were curiously walking towards them, warned by the volume of their voices. Quinn and Jesse started to back away, only peaking the suspicions of the Christ Crusaders. Sam and the others quickly decided to follow them, until Quinn and Jesse started running at a fast pace. The God squad had the good advantage of being much faster than actual zombies, and soon a sizeable crowd of them were on Quinn and Jesse's tail. They tried to circle around the parking lot but found that they were soon surrounded, standing back to back as the Christ Crusaders ominously neared them.
Suddenly, a chunk of the students sprinted out of the way as a Range Rover speeded up to them. The car quickly stopped and the passenger seat was thrown open, and the driver's window rolled down. Kurt stuck his head out of the car window and frowned at Quinn and Jesse.
"Get in!"
Quinn and Jesse darted away from the dangerous crowd and threw themselves into Kurt's car, not yet buckling their seatbelts before Kurt sped off, away from McKinley High.
"I couldn't stay at Dalton today," said Kurt as Quinn and Jesse settled in the backseat, "I had a dream last night."
"A dream about what?" asked Quinn.
Kurt grimaced. "Something bad's gonna happen to Buffy."
xxx
Moonlight and lamplight barely illuminated the Lima Community Centre after nightfall, but Kurt could still see several groups of Christ Crusaders heading inside, he could only assume for another brainwashing session. Kurt had to shudder at the thought of Buffy tucked into a beige cotton dress and a headband made from the same material, but that's exactly what he'd seen in his dream.
"Buffy, please, call me back as soon as you get this," Kurt left yet another voicemail to his friend's phone.
"What if Penny did brainwashed her?" asked Jesse, "I mean, what are we supposed to do without a slayer? I'm probably the most powerful person here, but investigating crimes of the paranormal isn't exactly my thing."
The trio jumped slightly as a knock came on the closed window of the passenger seat. Kurt sighed and opened the door to let Santana slide in, in her skintight purple dress.
"Okay, please explain to me what is going on and where is the slayer?" she asked immediately.
"Long story short," said Quinn, "Jesse un-brainwashed me but now Buffy's M.I.A."
Santana sighed. "And the God squad? Let me guess, still reprogramming impressionable teens left and right?"
Kurt nodded. "They're having another 'meeting' in the community centre."
"First things first. We need to find Buffy," said Santana, "If she's been brainwashed and she never made it to the community centre, I'm willing to bet that she made it home well within her curfew."
Kurt drove to Rovello Drive and let Santana out to scale the side of the house, grabbing handfuls of drainage pipe and ivy. She hoisted herself over Buffy's window ledge and flicked the light switch on in the empty room. After all this time, she could still marvel at how normal Buffy's bedroom was. The floral bedspread, the lemonade bottle full of Skittles, the smiling stuffed pig. Then, Santana would remember the weapons and holy water hidden in the secret compartment in the purple chest at the end of Buffy's bed. Something so dark wrapped under something so sweet.
The door opened and Buffy walked in, quickly closing the door behind her with a stern expression on her face. Santana dropped her jaw at the sight of her. A beige dress that flowed past her knees and a cotton headband. Her hair was smoothed and curled. Not at all her now trademark head of wispy shoulder-length spikes.
"Santana," Buffy said placidly, "What are you doing in my room?"
Santana stared at Buffy's face. "Oh, God. Look at you. Look at what they did to you!"
"What do you mean, Santana?"
"The Flannel Freaks! The Pastel Patsies! The Jesus Groupies! They brainwashed you!"
Buffy frowned. "No, they didn't."
"You look ridiculous."
Buffy looked down at her dress and her dark brown loafers. "I think I look nice..."
"Well, sure... By regular standards, sure, Buffy, you look nice. But come on, this is not you. Dresses and headbands? Please! You are a child of leather and boots and 90s haircuts!"
"I was a terrible person," Buffy said seriously.
Santana looked lost for words, her eyes darting from Buffy to Buffy's girly room to the pictures of Buffy and her glee club friends on the desk. "No, you're not... You're the best person I know."
"Santana, I skipped class all the time. I got terrible grades. I dressed like a slut and stayed out past curfew and broke my poor mother's heart-"
"You were saving the world! You saved people's lives, okay? Generally, your personal life tends to take a backseat when you're a superhero."
Buffy snorted. "Superhero? If anything, I was a vigilante, with the fighting and the staking and the killing... We should be ashamed of ourselves for bringing so much misery into the world. We're ladies. Not soldiers. That's not my job. Marching around playing battlefield. Only God can decide who deserves to live or die."
Santana clenched her jaw. "If only you knew... You're the person everyone should be trying to be. Not Penny Larson. Not the model citizen. You, Buffy Summers, the girl who gives up everything time and time again to make the world a better place. You risk your life on a daily basis and for what? No-one thanks you or gives you a break. You don't even get paid. You do it because you know that if you don't, no one will. You're a goddamn superhero, Buffy Summers, and not because of the super strength or the spidey sense... But because you're the best person I know. And I love you."
Santana leaned forward and gently kissed Buffy on the cheek, Buffy blushing pink at the touch of Santana's lips. Santana leaned back and Buffy stared hard at her with her lips pursed tightly.
"That was wildly inappropriate," Buffy frowned.
Santana sighed sadly. "I'll leave now."
Buffy watched her curiously as she climbed back out of the window and down the side of the house, swiftly sprinting back to Kurt's car parked on the curb.
"So?" Kurt asked urgently as Santana rested her head back in the passenger seat.
"It's not good," she replied.
The other three groaned with disappointment.
"What are we supposed to do?" Quinn asked aloud.
Santana breathed slowly through her nose. "Slayer or no slayer, Penny has to be stopped."
"Agreed," said Kurt, "But how are we supposed to stop her?"
Santana pursed her lips in thought. "You guys will have to do it without me, tomorrow at McKinley. But before you get there, you're gonna have to make a stop at Sears."
xxx
Quinn, Jesse and Kurt walked into McKinley High, their stomachs churning and their shoulders stiff. They had stopped at the Lima Mall before school to deck themselves out in apparell fit for the blandest of Christ Crusaders. It had killed Kurt to swap out his Alexander McQueen military jacket for a pea green sweater set and a pair of tartan golf shorts, but they had a mission to complete. Jesse had been strangely enthusiastic about it all, thinking of it as a wonderful acting exercise.
"Look happy," he said to the other two as they walked into the high school.
Forced smiles replaced Quinn and Kurt's nervous expressions.
"What's the plan, again?" asked Kurt, nervously eyeing the students around him. Not a single one had been unaffected at this point.
"We split up, find Penny, get her alone and force her to reverse her hex," said Quinn.
"And how exactly do we force her to do that?' asked Kurt.
"While normally I don't condone using witchcraft for elemental violence, we may need it today," said Jesse, sharing a look with Quinn.
"I'll go to the cafeteria," said Quinn, "You two check out the classrooms."
Quinn veered off past the slushie machines and into the cafeteria, which seemed to work like a beehive of conservative teens, making glittery posters while working in a healthy lunch. Quinn couldn't even smell the overwhelming greasy scent of tater tots being fried. It was like a whole new environment.
"Quinn!" Tina called with a smile, "You decided to join us again."
Quinn forced a wide, cheesy smile as Tina walked towards her in a gray skirt. "Yeah, well, you know, I needed a change in my sinful life."
Tina nodded. "That's great. It's like a new you."
"Yeah. I was just so sick of the old me. All of the... sins and the sinfulness."
"I completely agree. This is a big improvement on the old you. You used to be such a crazy slut."
Quinn's eye twitched a little. "Anyways... You wouldn't happen to know where Penny is, huh?"
xxx
"There she is!"
Kurt and Jesse had rounded a corner into one of the school's empty main halls, only to see Penny behind the glass walls of Principal Figgins' office. She was alone, putting colored pins in a map of Ohio that was strung on the wall.
"She's trying to take over the state," Jesse frowned, "She's like Hitler."
"If Hitler was a teenage girl and wanted to take over obscure towns in Ohio," Kurt added.
"Put your earphones in!" ordered Jesse, and the boys turned on their iPods.
Jesse took the lead and they both swiftly walked into Figgins' office, Kurt locking the door behind him with the metal switch. Penny turned from her map of Ohio and gave the boys a suspicious look.
"Can I... help you?" she asked, one hand on her hip, although they couldn't hear her with music blasting in their ears.
Jesse raised his hand to the air and lightning erupted from it, temporarily illuminating the room.
"Jesus, Jesse!" Kurt cried with surprise, shielding his eyes from the blinding light as Penny screamed out.
The light died down and a sizzling ball of electricity was a globe around Jesse's hand. He pointed his bright, static hand at Penny, music still blasting through his earphones.
"Change them back to how they were!" Jesse shouted.
"Listen, just stay calm," said Penny, breathing heavy and raising her hands in surrender, "What's your name?"
"None of your voodoo is gonna work on me, freak!" Jesse shouted with a smug smile, "We can't hear a word you're saying!"
Kurt grimaced and shouted, "Jesse, you never mentioned your lightning hand was in the plan!"
"Turn them back!" shouted Jesse.
"This isn't my fault!" Penny cried, "I mean, it is, but they deserved it, okay? They're better off for it. I used to be teased... constantly, because I was still a virgin and I never tasted alcohol and I went to church every Sunday... I got teased because I was a good person. It's not fair, okay?" Penny started to cry.
Kurt wrinkled his nose. "What is she saying?!" Kurt yelled.
"UNDO IT!" Jesse shouted, electric currents still crackling around his hand.
"I can't!" Penny cried, "Even if I wanted too... I don't know how."
"JESSE!" Kurt yelled, and elbowed Jesse in the side.
Jesse turned and looked out of the glass walls to see a bug-eyed blond standing in the hall, staring at them and looking terrified in her cashmere sweater. Jesse quickly ripped out his earphones.
"Who is that?"
Kurt quickly unlocked the door as the blond ran away, towards the cafeteria.
"Piper! Wait!" he shouted.
Jesse nervously eyed Penny. "Okay. Come on."
Penny shrieked with fright as Jesse threw his arm around her and held his electric hand dangerously close to her head. He dragged her out of the office and followed Kurt and Piper down the hall, only to be confronted with the entire crowd of McKinley High, rushing down the hall to Piper's cries. Jesse and Kurt shrieked to a stop in their shiny loafers.
"Um... Jesse... What's the plan now?"
"I, um..." Jesse furrowed his brow and pulled Penny closer, "Hey! God Squad! Make another move and I electrocute your leaders head off!"
Jesse noticed Quinn in the middle of the crowd, trying to blend in. If he wasn't mistaken he thought she looked slightly proud.
"Let go of her!" cried Tina.
"No! Don't move! This is insane!" Jesse yelled at the quiet, wide-eyed crowd, his face getting red, "This has to end! You look ridiculous!"
"Jesse..." Kurt started.
"No! This isn't okay! She's got you thinking that this is how you're supposed to act! Well, it's not. We are young. We are supposed to screw up and get in trouble! We are designed to party! If now isn't the time to act like idiots then when?! We owe it to ourselves to be complete degenerates. We try so hard to be so perfect, but in the end, we're all just screw-ups. I plan to remain a screw-up until my late twenties - hell, even my early thirties - and I will die before I let anyone take that away from me! I mean, if you could see yourselves... You're wearing cardigans!"
"Jesse," said Kurt.
"What?!"
Kurt nodded behind them, and Jesse turned his head to see two men in very official looking black suits striding forward with black sunglasses on their austere faces.
"FBI," said one of the guys, quickly raising his badge at Jesse, "Release the girl."
Jesse's jaw dropped and he quickly let go of Penny, the electricity dying away from his hand. "Seriously? Somebody called the FBI?"
The agent took hold of Penny's arms and clasped handcuffs around her wrists.
"Wait. You're taking her? Khaki Hitler?" Kurt raised a thin eyebrow.
"Why are you wearing sunglasses indoors?" Jesse frowned.
"We're taking care of this situation," said the agent, and turned back around holding Penny's arms.
"Wait!" said Jesse, "What about... the others?"
The agents glanced at each other. "Right. The hex." The second agent removed a strange metal ball from the inside of his coat pocket and set it down on the linoleum tiles. Before anyone could ask what it was, the ball exploded into dust, and as the dust cleared away, the agents were gone with Penny, and everyone was coughing and looking confused. Kurt searched for Buffy's face in the confusion.
She wrinkled her brow and stared down the hall. "I'm starting to think those guys aren't really FBI agents."