A/N Ok so first off I screwed up, as Guest rightly pointed out 'te quiero' means 'I want you' whereas 'te amo' means 'I love you'. I know there is a case to be made that it can also be used, and it's regional, but Rafael would use the most literal, and innocent version...I changed it as soon as it was pointed out...i will point out that the monkeys have reasonable spanish and very much understand both words, and one little monkey did try to point out it should have been 'te amo' but he was over-ruled with claims that nah, that was another language, maybe Italian...even when the error was pointed out, the monkeys tried to insist it was the same thing, it means the same...and very reluctantly and hesitantly changed it, so I think there was a Freudian slip in there...maybe the monkeys are even more afraid of the words, in any language, then Liv is...damned monkeys!
xCalliopexPlantainx; Thank you so much for taking the time to leave me a note, it means so much...I love the talks too...
MrsChilton; Liv is incredibly strong, and Rafael really does love her...he needs help too, it's too much for him to deal with alone. I can't imagine being in his position...the trial had to be discussed, it was shared so much by them...
Guest; I am eternally grateful for your correction...it was really important so I appreciate it so much. Thank you for the help...
Shootthephoto; Thank you for the reviews to both chapters...I also found 'in your eyes' harder to write, to read...I have no idea how he is balancing his emotions, how he knows when and how to push, but also allowing himself to feel it, to show how much it hurts, to need her as much as he needs him...I think maybe you are exactly right, he is switching between lawyer and boyfriend...monkeys aren't nuts about that word either so it's going on the list of words to be used sparingly and infrequently, with the L word in any language...sorry about the upset...
Intala; I love the way they talk about the hard stuff but I'm also not sure that they have much of a choice...
Yes he did rape her...laws of man only go so far, there are 'natural laws' that run so much deeper...I think Rafael needs support...and I feel a group is his best option...I have no idea how to handle their relationship disclosure so please anyone? Help?
"She's like the wind" by Patrick Swayze...cos no one puts Liv in a corner...
She smiles widely, resting her head on my chest as her arms wrap around me once more, my arms rest on her shoulders stroking through her hair.
"I don't want you to go anywhere Rafael...and since we're about to disclose our relationship to 1PP, IAB and the DA, I think it would be very appropriate for you to find a boyfriends group...and when you are ready, you can talk to me too, because I'm not going anywhere either..."
I try not to make too big a deal of her words but I can't stop the Cheshire Cat grin that spreads across my face.
I didn't quite mean to say the words I did to her, I know how skittish they were liable to make her, but I needed her to believe me, when I told her that monster's actions could never change how I felt about her.
They're not words that come easily to my lips, but I mean them. I'm not sure when it happened, but it feels like I've loved her as long as I've known her. The fear that followed the words has been relieved almost completely, as she tells me she wants to disclose our relationship...she doesn't want me to go anywhere and she is not going anywhere either...she has even said that a boyfriends group would be a very appropriate place for me...
'She's like the wind through my tree
She rides the night next to me'
As I lie with the woman I love cuddled to me, life feels pretty perfect until her less welcome words intrude into my joy.
He raped her...
How could I not have seen this? How could I not have seen through her too fervent, denials and assertions...?
How did I picture rape as being penetrative sex, of one sex organ by another, and nothing less? I know so much better, but yet this was still my image... despite my legal training and my work with SVU, I still couldn't quite understand the scope of actions encompassed by this one horrible word...
As she showed me the dictionary definition, my mind really started to see the possibilities.
Even before she told me about all she had hidden, in my mind I had started to realize that he had raped her by forcing that gun into her mouth...there is no denial that this action was sexual...he could have scared her by just pointing it at her head...he wanted so much more from this action...
I try to imagine how it must have felt for her, to have anything, unwanted, penetrate her body...I just can't, but equally, I can't get rid of the images it conjures up...
Why, even now, am I unconsciously ordering her experiences into semblance of categorization? Why is his semi flaccid penis penetrating her "however slightly", somehow worse than her own gun forcing its way inside her?
Why are his fingers touching her, penetrating her, less egregious than his penis?
Why the fuck would she have told me earlier, when this is how I'm thinking?
I'm struggling once more to control my emotions as all of this, whirls through my head.
'She leads me through moonlight
Only to burn me with the sun
She's taken my heart
But she doesn't know what she's done'
As I look down, I see a beautiful pair of chocolate brown eyes peering back at me, "What are you thinking Rafael?"
I want to seem strong for her, I want to say something 'good'...she is so much more resilient than me...she can build on this morning's incredible victory, to this...and I can't get rid of the images of that monster hurting her...
She seems to sense what fills my thoughts as she sits back slightly, "It's ok, I know it was a lot to take in, you can need to just think about it...you can ask me questions...you don't have to keep it inside..."
'I feel her breath on my face
Her body close to me
Can't look in her eyes
She's out of my league'
As I try to deny the snapshots that keep forcing their way into my mind, the words just slip out almost unnoticed... "How did you keep it inside for so long?"
"Because it never felt like I was keeping it in, it felt like it was just more of the same...I'd admitted so much...it wasn't like I'd tried to pretend nothing had happened..."
"And the rape kit?"
"I'm an SVU cop...I knew what it was looking for...I'd already set their expectations...and there were so many other injuries, it wasn't hard to hurry them along, to allude to kicks, to other feasible explanations, for external bruising and marks, for anything they found...I used their professional courtesy to a beaten cop, I manipulated my discomfort at strategic moments, to deny them tiny details...I helped them find what I wanted them to find...I couldn't refuse it, it would have drawn too much suspicion..."
I almost can't fathom how, after all she had been through, she could think it was necessary to expend so much precious energy in this strategic thinking, to hide something she didn't have any reason to hide...
I didn't see her in the initial aftermath...I didn't see what state she was in...it was only through my conversations with Captain Cragen that I learned how severe the effects were. I have my suspicions that he wasn't even fully aware of its whole impact, despite his all-seeing eyes.
I desperately want to ask her why she felt it needed to be kept a secret, why she wanted to hide it from her doctors, her team, her family...from me...
But I can't ask the question. My lips won't form the question, my mind won't allow me to ask it, for fear it can't deal with the answer...
'Just a fool to believe
I have anything she needs
She's like the wind'
Is it any wonder now, that she was afraid of my body...that she saw, him, when she was faced with my naked flesh...?
Is it any wonder that her fear of being hurt again, runs so deep, that she just can't truly believe that any man, is completely incapable of it...?
I feel even more unreasonable now, for my reaction to her unintended words, when she said she was afraid I would just take what I wanted from her...why was I so angry?
As I lie with her here, I can't imagine how any one could ever want to hurt her?
I never want to let her out of my arms...
'I look in the mirror and all I see
Is a young old man with only a dream
Am I just fooling myself
That she'll stop the pain
Living without her
I'd go insane'
As I place a soft kiss on the top of her head, she moves closer to me, and I can feel my body responding to her proximity.
I'm gripped by a fear at my body's reaction; I don't want to scare her. I don't want her to feel that now...
And just like that, the realization becomes so much worse...I desire her, I want to see her, to feel her body, to touch her, nothing has changed...except it has, ...I can't imagine touching her without thinking about him touching her...I don't want anything we do to remind her, in any way, of what he forced upon her.
I know that there is no comparison, anything we have done or will ever do, is consensual...but my body is struggling to see the difference.
I feel a real fear that I may not be able to perform...that the horrors rampaging through my head will succeed in dimming my body's responses to her...
Should this happen, I'm sure she would see it as evidence of her disclosure having somehow, sullied her in my mind. I hate that just as she is rediscovering her sexual side, I am nearly unable to see her as the incredibly sexy woman she is...I can't separate the horrific images from my mind, as my arms gently encircle her now, I can't help the unspoken worry that this is reminiscent of something he did...
I cannot control the tears that force their way out...
'I feel her breath on my face
Her body close to me
Can't look in her eyes
She's out of my league'
As I softly stroke her hair she seems to feel something, and looks up to me,
"Rafael...what is it? Tell me?" she whispers as she tries to wipe away my tears.
"How could he...how could anyone...?"
She shakes her head slowly, there are no words to answer my question, and she knows it, I don't really expect an answer...
She pulls me to her, whispering reassurances in my ear, "I know...but it's ok...it's over...I'm ok..."
I hate that she is the one now comforting me, and that she is now, crying too.
"I hate that he hurt you Liv...like that..."
'Just a fool to believe
I have anything she needs
She's like the wind'
As her tears begin to shake her body, I can only hug her tightly and cry with her, as the full emotional effect of her admission takes a hold of both of us.
She seems to cry until she is completely emotionally spent, and she starts to doze lightly.
I do the only thing I can.
I lift her up and carefully carry her to bed, setting her down as gently as I can.
As my arms release her into the soft mattress she almost, unconsciously, grabs for me, not wanting to be left alone with the demons, but I'm slightly off balance and only barely stop myself from tumbling onto her. She is still only semi awake, as my mind throws out the potential effects me falling on her could have had...
I stand there so unsure whether I should stay here with her, or whether I should sleep on the couch. I want to be there, I want to hold her all night, to kiss away her tears, but I'm also aware how fragile she must be at this moment, and how hyper-alert to any dangers her mind must be...
Her eyes flicker open and she holds her arms out to me, I crawl into the bed beside her, gently stroking her face as she curls her body into me, "Go back to sleep Liv,...and sleep well..."
I watch her drift back to a light sleep, but sleep proves elusive for me, as pictures from the evidence files are cut together with conjured images of her most recent disclosures...
Every time it feels like the images are too much, her soft breathing, her sleeping form, remind me that she is here, she survived, she is ok...even though I'm not so sure she really is ok at this minute.
'I feel your breath on my face
Your body close to me
Can't look in your eyes
You're out of my league'
Many times through the following hours, she stirs, her face twisting in fear as a memory threatens to pull her into a nightmare. Each time I try to reassure her, softly stroking her face and whispering to her, and sometimes it's enough to shoo away the ghosts, other times she wakes, gasping wildly, her terror etched into her features, until she grounds herself in the present, and chases the nightmares away again.
Eventually my eyes slide shut, and the darkness that awaits me sucks me in.
Our sleep remains fitful, as monsters reach for us, trying to pull us into their hellish creations.
By the time we awaken to the weak autumn sun pouring in the window, we have overslept, despite feeling like we haven't slept at all. Neither of us had thought to set an alarm, in the emotional tumult of last night, and will now both be late, but as we sluggishly begin our morning routine, at an even slower pace than usual, we have to admit that we don't care how late we are.
Lucy arrives and takes charge of Noah as we struggle to shower and dress. We both reject breakfast, preferring to quickly guzzle down as much coffee as time allows.
"I'm going to head into the squad before my office, why don't you leave your car Liv?"
She looks to me as if I'm crazy before she realizes we are about to disclose our relationship and we don't have to hide anymore, so she nods gratefully.
We both say goodbye to Noah and Lucy and head down to my car. She immediately falls back against the seat as I start the engine. I can see she is not looking forward to the day ahead of her, as I squeeze her hand gently, and a soft smile finds its way across her lips.
I know I should be heading to my office, there is no real reason to go to the squad first, but I find myself unable to face the day without a few words to Fin, and I want to make sure someone is watching out for her today...
As we pull in front of the precinct, I glance across at her, she is pale and looks tired, but she is still undeniably beautiful.
'She's like the wind'
I quickly look around and chance a brief kiss before we step out of the bubble we have created around ourselves, into harsh reality.
As we exit the elevator, the squad is its usual bustling self, but today it feels like everything is on fast forward...
Fin turns to us as we pick our way through the busy morning traffic, "Morning Liv, ...Counselor..."
He seems to take in our fragile state immediately as we return his greeting with nods.
"Carisi, I could definitely do with a decent coffee, do you think you could scare up a coffee run?" he asks softly.
Carisi is all too quick to agree, "I'll go myself, this isn't coffee it's some sort of government experiment..." he gestures to our coffee station.
Fin chuckles, "Are you sure you're not related to Munch?"
This raises a smile from all of us as we gratefully place our orders.
Fin subtly catches my eye, silently questioning, and when I can't maintain eye contact he pulls a file from his desk, "Counselor, I have a statement from our new victim, Susan Parsons..."
I take the proffered file, as people go back to their desks and impatiently await their coffee.
I have barely begun to read the words when he quietly asks, "Is she ok?"
I want to reassure him she's fine but it feels like a lie, so I tell him the truth, "She told me, last night,...what she had hidden...after Lewis. She didn't have a great night..."
I can see his face tighten as he looks carefully at me, silently demanding my attention. As my eyes reluctantly meet his, he whispers, "How bad?".
I have no answer, except to drop my gaze to the floor as I fight back the tears that prick at my eyes.
This seems to be answer enough as he sinks into his chair, his hand unthinkingly rubbing his face.
He sits in silence, as I try to read the file he has given me, placing my briefcase between my feet and my jacket over the edge of his desk. It just won't go in though; the words seem to rearrange themselves into some form of hieroglyphic language long lost to history.
It seems like no time has passed before Carisi is back, balancing coffee cup carriers expertly. I gratefully snatch up my coffee as it is pointed out and take Liv's into her, where she is on the phone in her office. She smiles at me, and I leave her quietly.
Fin has barely moved, when I return to pick up the file I hastily dropped as the coffee arrived.
"Actually Counselor, I 'm going to head out to the hospital to finish the statement if you want to join me?" he asks quietly.
I can only nod, grateful of the opportunity to talk to him, but also to work without having to sit at a desk. I balance that I need to speak to her anyway, as I gather up my things, sucking at my coffee.
He stands up quickly, grabbing up his coffee, he sticks his head into Liv's office, no doubt informing her of his plans, she just nods gently with one hand over the receiver.
As we start to head out, he catches his partner's eye and gestures carefully to the office he has just left. She answers his barely there, gesture with an almost, imperceptible nod. Even after all this time I am still astounded how cops can communicate silently, but so effectively, with their partners.
Fin holds up his keys to indicate we're taking his car as we step into the elevator. Again I can only nod gratefully, at this time of the day, with the rush hour traffic the trip across town is likely to be glacially slow.
As we pull out of the parking lot of the precinct, he speaks without looking at me, "Is she ok?"
"I'm not sure Fin, she says it's freeing to let it out, to admit it...but..."
He nods tightly.
"Are you ok?"
I try to shrug, even less sure of how to answer this question.
"You offered to help me find a boyfriends and husbands group...?"
He nods quickly to this, "I got a list of a couple of options, I'll send it to you..."
I again, nod gratefully.
"Barba, you don't have to tell me anything, to talk to me..."
I can't help but smile sadly, "She told me to talk to you, or Amanda...she told me I could tell you what she said, that she'd tell you herself, in time, anyway..."
He acknowledges this with a quick dip of his head.
I want to talk so much, but all that fills the car is silence.
After a couple of minutes, he clears his throat softly, "Man, I can't even imagine how you must be feeling..."
His words break the dam, "It feels unreal...how could she keep it inside her for so long? How could she...?"
The tears start to roll down my face and I try to wipe them away but they are replaced quicker than I can push them away, and when I glance at him to see if he notices, I can see he is fighting his own tears and I just abandon my attempts to hide them and let them flow unashamedly.
"I feel so useless Fin, she wound up comforting me..."
He smiles through his tears, "That sounds like Liv..."
"She had so many nightmares last night..."
"No offence Counselor, but you don't look like you slept either..."
I shake my head.
"I couldn't get the images out of my head..."
"You're doing the right thing Barba, you can't let it eat you up if you want to be there for her..."
I nod, "There are so many things running through my head, I'm so angry at him, I know she doesn't need to hear that...it doesn't help...and he's dead...but...I'm livid...I wish I could bring him back to life, just so I can kill him...I'm devastated...I don't want for her to have felt that...I feel guilty...it was my fault he was free to kidnap her...I feel powerless, I can't undo what he did...I don't know what I can do...I want to fix it, but I can't...I feel sick, physically sick, when I think of it, but I'm terrified she'll think that she makes me sick..."
He sighs deeply.
"I don't think it is possible to not be angry, sickened...and I'm sure she understands that...but I'm also sure she doesn't blame you..."
"I know, she told me that...but I blame me..."
"We all blame ourselves, we should have checked in on her...shouldn't have let her go home alone, ...we should have found her..."
I know what he is saying, that we all feel like we let her down.
"You have to talk to her as well Barba. I understand that some stuff you don't want to tell her, and some stuff maybe she doesn't need to hear...it's a horrible line to walk...and you need to find a way to be the same with her, but also balance this knowledge...I just don't know man..."
Even this acknowledgement means an immense amount.
"We'd just taken such a huge step forward...she is so amazing...and now I'm terrified that she'll want to be physical in any way...because I'm not sure I can..."
Saying this out loud feels like a huge betrayal but it needs an outlet...
"I get that..."
They're only three small words, eight letters, but it feels like a validation so big, it may crush me completely.
"...I can't imagine...but you need to let her take full control...and when she's ready, you need to talk to her...she knows how hard it can be for partners...I've heard her counsel so many partners of victims; that the person they fell in love with is still in there, and they will show themselves again, and there's no shame in admitting to fear...I don't see how you can hear something like that from someone you love, and still be immediately ready to jump into bed with them...just remember that she trusts you, but she's not made of china either..."
"It's not her Fin, she hasn't changed at all in my eyes...she is still that same sexy, gorgeous woman...but I'm so afraid...that I'll touch her the wrong way...that I'll remind her...and when I think about her, like that...he keeps pushing his way in...it feels wrong to think of her in a sexual way..."
"Barba, you only found out last night...I'd be shocked if it wasn't haunting everything...but it will get better...and you wouldn't hurt her...she has given you her permission to think of her in a sexual way...don't feel guilty for it...it's not even remotely the same as it was with him...she is a beautiful woman, and it's not wrong to fantasize about her, to want her...feeling guilty will tear you apart...she's as crazy about you, as you are about her...you can find your way through this...and if you need help, call me, or Amanda...she can guide you in ways I can't...and she loves Liv too...you have to let your feelings out..."
I can only nod, I feel so much better already, but the images of him are still playing almost unendingly in some part of my head...
"I can understand you don't want to say the things that she told you...that you don't want to tell me, that you don't want to hear those words in your voice but I think you need to say them...to acknowledge them...to grieve for them..."