A/N elsamargarida; Sorry somehow I managed to forget to thank you for your follow and favourite earlier in the week, I do apologize, it means a huge amount...
Himeko63; Thank you so much for you favourite and follow, they mean so much to me.
CityGirl7768; Thank you so much, I'm beginning to feel like I'm just trying kill everyone with pain...I am glad for her that she isn't trying to hide anymore though. And everybody definitely needs someone to talk to when trying to deal with something like this, regardless of whatever direction they are coming at it from. I am beyond grateful for the suggestion and reasoning on the disclosure for Liv and Rafael. I do agree with you, Hayden was a different situation,(Kudos for the full detail though, that's really useful) I do think that a lieutenant and an ADA is different. OK I will also admit to being heartbroken by the idea of taking him out of SVU...Thanks for the song acknowledgment, sometimes it feels a bit like people could do without them, but I think they help me decide the real point of a chapter or the tone...some of them seem a bit odd, but I think they work...
FicFriend; Thank you as always. I definitely needed to squeeze Rafael's POV in, sorry about the tears...Yeah I don't think anything could have prepared him for the reality that hit with her words...he is devastated...As for the monkeys, they insisted on the boyfriends group, they tried to convince me it's not the same as letting them be therapists or psychiatrists...I'm still not sure, but it did allow for other alternatives...I try to write what I know, but I don't know Rafael's perspective, I'm extrapolating and stitching together tidbits to try and make it up, I have used the well worn TV model, so I apologize if it is not how it really is, but I don't have Rafael's courage to find out...
Shootthephoto; Thanks, I don't think it is possible for him to NOT feel as he does...I love him for it. Fin is definitely Rafael's safe place, and as I worry about Rafael taking on too much to help Liv, I worry about how everyone is dealing with all of this, it effects everyone who comes in contact with it, to some degree, the monkeys want to know are you looking over their shoulders? I never post a chapter until I can have about 200 words of the next one, either written or in my head, to give me the opportunity to change something if I need to, I'd literally just gotten the beginning of this down as you posted your review...
"The end where I begin" by The Script...
I can only nod, I feel so much better already, but the images of him are still playing, almost unendingly, in some part of my head...
"I can understand you don't want to say the things that she told you...that you don't want to tell me, that you don't want to hear those words in your voice but I think you need to say them...to acknowledge them...to grieve for them..."
'...to grieve for them...' this is exactly what it feels I am doing, grieving...
As I see the tears continue to roll, haphazardly, down his face, I'm also aware of the depth of his feelings. How the woman we are talking about, is his sister.
I know that just as he is her family, she is his.
'Sometimes tears say all there is to say'
I saw how he nearly went out of his mind, as they searched for her...in those horrendous four days.
I've seen how he has been there for her, at every possible juncture, since the recent news of Harris' death, and how after all this time, it was only then, that she was willing to talk to him about what she experienced in that prison...how did he live with that uncertainty for so long?
"Fin, I'm so grateful for this...I don't think I could get through it if I had to do it alone...I'm not sure I'll ever get the images out of my head...You've been there, for me and for Liv...I saw how you were there for Amanda, when she disclosed...but who do you talk to? We can talk to each other. I know I can't say the words to you, but I have a feeling you know what I would say? She's your family...you need to look after yourself too..."
He smiles slightly, "Oh God! Now you're at it too? Liv already threw Amanda at me, to talk about Harris..."
I can't help but grin back at him, "That sounds like Liv...but really Fin, there are things I'd be afraid to say to Amanda...not that I don't trust her, but I'd be worried that they'd be too close to home...she is an amazing woman too, and she's so strong...but I wouldn't feel comfortable saying some of the things I can say to you, maybe our gender is part of that, but she has also suffered so horribly too...please, I'd feel so much better if we could talk to each other, instead of it just being me leaning on you all the time...I'm betting I'm gonna need an ear again, before this is over..."
We are sitting in completely unmoving traffic, as he scrubs his hand across his face, "I've been an SVU cop too long...I've always had my suspicions about what went on with Lewis...what I know of what she disclosed, just never felt like...everything. And I knew about Sealview, I'd seen her try to deny an assault...I'm not judging her...I can understand it...but when we found her, when Amaro led her out of that beach house...it wasn't Liv..."
'Sometimes your first scars won't ever fade away'
I try not to let my mind see what he is describing, but the emotionless way she told me what had really happened, keeps flashing through my mind...
I nod softly, silently telling him I understand, "When she told me, last night...it's like she was switched off...she can't even talk about a case with that level of detachment...but after, when we talked more, it's like it hit her..."
"Barba, did she get medical help?"
His question takes me by surprise. It's something I hadn't even considered. She submitted to the rape kit, she admitted she manipulated it, but she allowed doctors to administer one...surely she would have gotten medical treatment? How much medical treatment would she have needed? By obscuring the details she didn't want them to find, did she also deny herself medical attention...?
'Tried to break my heart, well it's broke'
I look at the man sitting beside me, my mouth almost flapping, fish-like, as I try to find words, "She said that she manipulated the rape kit, she gave plausible explanations for injuries and hurried it along...she couldn't have hidden injuries that needed medical attention...could she?"
He shakes his head slightly but it feels more wishful than confident... "She promised me, recently, that she has always gotten medical help when she needed it..." he mutters.
I can feel his lingering doubt despite his assurance.
"He raped her...she hid behind legalities, but he raped her..." I can hear the agony in his whispered words.
Not for the first time, the man's ability to read a situation completely astonishes me. I know it's not a question, that he already knows, but as I try to find words, I can't, and my head just drops as his words reverberate around the car.
'Tried to hang me high, well I'm choked'
We both sit in silence for several agonizing blocks.
"What do I do Fin?"
"What you're doing...be there for her..."
I nod again, it seems simplistic, but it is all I can do for her...
"What are you thinking Fin?" I ask softly, as I watch his jaw clench.
He tries to shrug off my question at first, but then he seems to almost, need to say it.
"There are days I hate my job, we see so much...that I can actually picture it..." I can see he really is struggling with the same images that are haunting me...
"She survived him...Fin, she's going to be ok..."
He nods tightly, but the words are really of no comfort to either of us. Their truth is not enough to counter the immense pain of the reality of her suffering.
'Wanted rain on me, well I'm soaked, soaked to the skin'
"Fin, why don't you come to the group with me, I mean, she thinks of you as her brother...I'm sure it's open to friends too...I think we could both do with some support..."
I can see that the quiet man is itching to rebuff my invitation, but he can't seem to...I understand that this is perhaps a huge admission of how right I really am, that he does need some support, so I say nothing and silently vow to try and convince him, to refuse to take no for an answer. Hell, on a purely selfish basis, I'd be so glad of the company to take that massive jump, to face doing something that comes so unnaturally to me, asking for help...
'It's the end where I begin, it's the end where I begin'
In our own way, the silence answers the question more eloquently than any words.
There really is nothing I wouldn't say in a group, I wouldn't be comfortable to say in front of this man anyway...I can only hope he feels the same.
The rest of the journey to the hospital is silent, as we each, battle to control our bubbling emotions.
When we finally pull into the hospital, I start to quickly read the file that has been grasped, forgotten, in my hand this whole time.
Putting back on my lawyer mask, I realize I'm unprepared to interview this victim, "Can we grab a quick coffee to give me a minute to read this file?", I ask quickly.
He nods, seemingly glad of the opportunity to collect himself.
'Sometimes we don't learn from our mistakes
And sometimes we've no choice but to walk away, away'
A few minutes later, we are walking into the hospital room, of yet another woman, who has been victimized by a monster, but we are both desperately, trying to distance her from the woman who never leaves our minds. But our long practiced, professional, fronts allow us to do our job and comfort the hurt woman, as we gather the statement that will hopefully allow us to pursue her attacker to conviction.
As we leave Susan Parsons, the emotional toll is all too clear to me, on Fin's face, and when the elevator doors slide closed, and I am faced with the distorted image of my own features in its surface, I can't avoid seeing the same evidence, in my own pale, tired face.
'Tried to break my heart, well it's broke'
As Fin slides his phone back into his pocket, mine beeps quietly, it is the information on the support groups he has mentioned. He has highlighted one that meets not far from this hospital, tonight. I clasp the phone tightly, grateful for the immediacy of the meeting.
I nod gratefully, my nod also being enough to confirm my intention to be there. My eyes don't leave his, until he returns my silent plea, with a curt nod of his own.
With the knowledge of the meeting awaiting me at the end of the day, I feel able to face the day's demands as we head back to the precinct.
When the alarm I had set on my phone, buzzes to signal the impending meeting, I simultaneously dread and crave, I run my hands through my hair.
Now faced with its reality, I find I'm terrified. What if it doesn't help? What if I don't fit in, even there? What if ...?
'Tried to hang me high, well I'm choked
Wanted rain on me, well I'm soaked, soaked to the skin'
My phone beeps again quietly,
[pick you up in 15]
I silently thank the universe for Fin, unsure if I could have gone through with it, if it were not for him.
I know he doesn't need a response, but I need to do something to confirm my intent to myself, I am going...
[Thanks, I'll be outside.]
I gather my things together and am nervously, standing outside my building, when he pulls up. I step into the car and we just nod to each other. The trip is thankfully, immensely, shorter at this time, than it was this morning, and we ride in comfortable silence until he pulls into a small lot, beside a non-descript building.
As he slips the car into park, he looks to me questioningly. I take a deep breath and nod, as we step out of the car and I follow him to an open door, unsure what to expect.
As we step into the room, it reminds me of the many AA meetings I have seen on TV, people stand around singly, and in small groups whispering quietly, some sipping from paper cups, some studiously playing with their phones. An uneven, circular shaped, arrangement of folding, and mismatched chairs fills the room, and those that don't hover, uneasily around the edges of the room, can be found here. As I look to the man beside me, I realize there is no 'type' of man...some are well dressed young professionals, some are blue collar workers, dressed in company work wear, some are older men who could be anything, and the full spectrum comforts me immensely.
The man beside me seems to sense my relief, despite the trepidation that remains.
"You'll be fine Barba...these men, they understand..."
This fact comforts and saddens me in equal measure. I help myself to a coffee, as does Fin, but I can't stomach it. The warm cup gives me a focus though, as a sandy haired man invites us all to take a seat.
'It's the end where I begin, it's the end where I begin'
I feel like a man heading to the electric chair, as I reluctantly slide into an uncomfortable grey folding chair. My level of unease is such, that when I slide onto the hard plastic seat, it seems to welcome me.
The man introduces himself as Phil, and welcomes everyone, especially, the new people to the meeting, and it feels like all eyes turn to Fin and me. He makes it clear we are very welcome to speak if we want to, but doesn't put any pressure on us, as he opens the floor to anyone who wishes to be heard.
The loquaciousness, for which I have become quite famous for, in the courtrooms of Manhattan, deserts me entirely. My confident, sharp, tongue is quiet, as all attention turns to a young man, maybe 23, who raises his hand gingerly.
"Hey, I'm Luke,...my girlfriend, Anna, was raped a couple of years ago, by a guy she worked with...we're kinda struggling...I keep asking her to tell me details...of what happened...I don't want to know, but I need to...we keep arguing about it...she keeps telling me I don't want to know...that it'll change things...but I don't see how it can be any worse than what I keep imagining?"
An older man begins to speak, until Phil reminds him to introduce himself, "I'm Mark, I thought the same, I pestered my wife for details of her attack, she was attacked as a child...I thought nothing could ever be worse than what I imagined, but when I heard the words...I wish I had never heard them now, but they can't be taken back..."
"My name is Rafiq, my wife didn't survive her attack...the details are all I have left, it hurts to know how she spent her last time on this earth...but not knowing was almost worse for me, it was tearing me apart...at least this pain, it's better than not knowing..."
"I'm Tom, my boyfriend Angel...he barely talks to me at all anymore...I can't even touch him...I don't mean sexually, I mean, in any way...I know it's very recent, but...it feels like me not wanting to know, is pushing him away...like he doesn't want someone who can't hear it..."
As more and more, men discuss the benefits of knowing and not knowing, I begin to relax my posture. I feel less alien in this gathering, then I had expected to, the contrasting opinions feel familiar, as I hear in these men, some of the internal voices, that have battled with this concept so much in the last few hours.
The men around me, manage to hit on so many of the things that have been rampaging, unchecked through my thoughts in the last few hours, that fear of touching their partner, of doing something reminiscent of what their attacker did..., that powerlessness, the fear that her not telling them, or her disclosure taking too long, means that maybe she doesn't trust them...it is all too familiar...
After about 40 minutes of heartfelt, painful, discussion, Phil looks softly to Fin and me, silently asking if we want to speak, I shake my head quickly, but Fin surprises me when he nods curtly.
"My name is Fin, ...I guess I'm here because two of my best friends, they're like my sisters really, have disclosed rapes in the last few months...I'm trying to be there for them, they're both so strong, they're doing amazingly, but it doesn't feel like I can ever get over the guilt...that I couldn't protect them...one of my friends, I interrupted an attack on her a few years back, I got there in time to stop him from raping her,... we've only really talked about it recently, but now I've just found out that no one stopped another attack, and she was raped,... and I feel like I failed her so badly, because she couldn't tell me..."
My heart breaks for the quiet man, as he whispers his pain out.
I want to tell him, that he couldn't stop it, that she does trust him, that she didn't tell him because she didn't want to admit it, not because she didn't trust him, but Phil nods and softly says, "That's the hardest bit for all of us, the guilt...
I see heads bobbing up and down, all around me.
"It does get better man..." says Luke.
"Sometimes it's hard for her to admit..." adds Mark.
A number of other men whisper soft reassurances, or admit their own struggles with the guilt, and Fin graciously accepts each and every one.
As Phil starts to end the meeting, I find my courage, "Could I say something?" I ask.
He merely nods softly and gestures for me to go ahead.
"My name is Rafael, the woman I love has been through so much, and last night she told me the details of how she was raped. I came here because it felt like I couldn't cope any longer...I had so many worries and fears floating around inside me...I've made so many mistakes, and was so scared of making even more...I was afraid I wouldn't fit in here,... that I'd feel even worse for some of the things I was feeling...but after hearing you all speak so honestly...it doesn't feel so insurmountable...I feel like I have permission to feel this way...I'm really lucky to have a huge amount of support, from people who care...and I hate that I feel so weak for needing help, but I don't think I can do this on my own..."
Phil meets my eye, "Nobody has all the answers, but we help each other as much as we can, sometimes just knowing that you're not the only one to feel something makes it easier..."
'Now I'm alive and the ghosts are gone
I've shed all the pain, I've been holding on
The cure for a heart is to move along
So move along, so move along'
I can only nod. This is exactly how I feel, it may not seem like much, but to feel not quite so alone, gives me a huge boost, and as I look to the man beside me, I can see it has also lightened the immense load he has been shouldering...it will be a long road for us, as much as it will be for the woman that brought us here but maybe this is a beginning...
'Now I'm alive and the ghosts are gone
I've shed all the pain, I've been holding on
What don't kill a heart only makes it strong
Sometimes tears say all there is to say
Sometimes your first scars don't ever fade away
Tried to break my heart, well it's broke
Tried to hang me high, well I'm choked
Wanted rain on me, well I'm soaked, soaked to the skin
It's the end, end where I, end where I, end where I begin
It's the end where I, end where I, end where I begin'