FicFriend; I don't think Fin is always very open about his feelings, but I do believe he feels guilty, even though he shouldn't...no more than Liv can, he can't control some of his feelings. Thanks for the quick note that I forgot the music credit...

MrsChilton; Thank you. I know there is a case to be made for using te quiero, I know it is used to say I love you, but I do acknowledge there are regional differences to it and I'm not a native speaker...Rafael wanted to declare his love, and he did it in his own chosen language...maybe partly to avoid the word that she just couldn't hear... I so love Fin and Rafael together, they're so different, but so similar...

Intala; I love Fin and Barba. They are uniquely placed to be there for each other...I don't think either man could have gone to that meeting alone...they each needed the support of the other...
I completely understand what you are saying about how they talk to each other, but I work with only men, all the time and I really see this in their interactions together, they don't say things like, 'I so understand that, I feel something similar', it's much more of a silent acknowledgment of support by sharing their own similar experience...its no less supportive, it's just a different way of communicating...not all men are the same though, hence Rafael being more upfront...but i quite like this way of communicating, and I really like the openness of sharing without trying to explain it away or frame it, in this circumstance

Guest; I really wanted to show there is so many more ways things could be in this same situation, it was an easy way to subtly show there are so many variations on this experience... and I love that they went to get some help...

Shootthephoto; I'm pretty fascinated by the ripple effects something like this has...it's pretty unpredictable I think...but I love this idea of men in the same situation being there for each other and just learning and having their feelings being validated by sharing. I know it probably says a lot more about me than I intend, but it feels so much more natural than having one person in an elevated expert position, giving advice...it's a true understanding...

Guest; This really resonated with me so much...I can understand how hard it would be for someone like Barba to 'bother' Amanda with his worries, how he would be conscious of how his words might affect her...Amanda is perfectly placed to answer questions or discuss the situation with Liv and Rafael, but she is also uniquely affected by it...I hope you approve...

"Somewhere only we know" by Keane...Lily Allen does a beautiful cover version too...

There are times that life feels like it's a runaway car with no brakes, and a steering wheel that only occasionally responds, but with such varying sensitivity, so as to make it nearly impossible to accurately guide it in any direction.

Sometimes you can hide from all the pain, you can bury yourself in work, but sometimes there is no escape. As I drop into the seat behind my desk, it just seems like there is no escape from the tumult that feels like it has become all that I am.

I can no longer keep up the barrier that has gotten me through the workday so many times before.

I try not to allow my mind to turn to Lewis, but it's an unwinnable fight.

"He raped me."

I whisper the words so quietly, I'm only aware of saying them, not of hearing them.

'I walked across an empty land

I knew the pathway like the back of my hand'

The words are still so foreign on my tongue.

After so much time spent denying them, they don't sit easily, despite the word being an all-too familiar part of my daily vocabulary, I find it has now irrevocably, changed in it's meaning.

As a child of rape, the word has has always had deeply personal associations, but now it means so much more. It has been a part of my every day life for as long as I can remember, personally and professionally, but there is nothing abstract about the images and feelings that it now, calls forward.

After all the upset of last night, I can only begin to try to let the more analytical part of me interpret this latest twist in the security of the new day.

There's no denying the truth of the words, he raped me...not in the legal sense but he did...

After so much battling, after so much effort to keep this hidden, it feels almost, like an anticlimax...the huge effects I had predicted, have just not materialized for me.

'I felt the earth beneath my feet

Sat by the river and it made me complete

Oh simple thing, where have you gone?

I'm getting old and I need something to rely on'

As the words slipped out last night, I saw the pain Rafael felt. I hate that he has felt so much pain because of me...

I'm dimly aware that I'm not really the cause of his pain, that he is feeling pain because of what I have endured, but it does nothing to ease my feelings.

I try to guess at what was filling his mind, as we lay together on the couch, or even as he lay unsleeping, beside me in my bed.

I know from all my experience that he was probably feeling helpless, anger at him, and powerlessness at being unable to do anything to somehow fix things...

As I let my mind rifle through all the remembered reactions I have seen over the years, I can't help but wonder how this will affect him sexually. I know how common it is for partners of victims to struggle sexually...and when I think back to how he felt after Amanda's disclosure, it worries me. He was so patient with me, so concerned about me that he almost, couldn't let himself go enough to enjoy what we were doing. What will this newest revelation have done to him?

As my mind throws up a plethora of possibilities, each worse than the last,... that he won't want to be physical with me, at all now, that he won't ever be able to let go of the fears this could have left him with, that he can't see me as a sexual being anymore. The irony of the situation doesn't escape me, that after so much time, happily avoiding sex, now the thought of it being denied to me, is really upsetting. Despite this horrible admission, I really want to feel his touch again...I want to feel that pleasure and be able to give myself over to it again...

'So tell me when you're gonna let me in

I'm getting tired and I need somewhere to begin

I came across a fallen tree

I felt the branches of it looking at me

Is this the place we used to love?

Is this the place that I've been dreaming of?

Oh simple thing, where have you gone?

I'm getting old and I need something to rely on'

The shrill peal of the phone demands my attention, and spares me from furthering this train of thought.

"Benson..."

As Chief Dodds launches into a diatribe about budget cuts, and the expected effects on SVU, I can barely focus enough to supply him with the expected 'yes sir' and 'of course sir' at the appropriate times.

Rafael, slips into my office and hands me a coffee, which I can only thank him silently for, as Dodds continues his tirade.

Finally I escape Dodds' angry denunciation of the budget cuts that will be sent out in the next few days, by promising to talk to him as soon as I have read them.

I'm just in time to watch Rafael leave with Fin, ostensibly to go interview yesterday's victim.

I'm so glad that he has someone he can talk to. I only saw what seemed to be a couple of whispers, and shared looks, but I have no doubt that Rafael needs somebody he can talk to, and I know that Fin will be there for him.

It feels so unfair, that yet again, I'm dragging everybody back down into my pain. They have all been so good to me. Even recently, they seemed to understand how Harris' death had such an effect on me. But here I am again, almost incapable of focusing on my work, and asking them, once again, to support me.

As I see Amanda rise from her desk and head towards my office I know that she is coming to check on me. As she reaches the door, I just gesture her in, she tries to smile, but that smile barely conceals her fear and worry.

"Hey Liv, how are you?" she asks quietly.

I debate trying to claim that I'm fine, but I'm sure I look anything but fine. And as she takes the seat opposite my desk, I resolve to be honest

"I told him, Amanda".

'So tell me when you're gonna let me in

I'm getting tired and I need somewhere to begin'

She just nods softly, acknowledging that she's heard me, but not willing to pester me with questions that I may not yet, be willing to answer.

I want to tell her that it went well, or that Rafael was very understanding and very patient, as he always is, ...but the words just won't come out of my mouth.

"We didn't have a great night..."

We sit comfortably in silence after my admission, and she seems very happy to just wait to see what I want to say. What comes out of my lips next, is not what I expected...

"Amanda, can I ask you a very personal question?"

She just nods softly, seemingly unperturbed, by what is usually such an ominous beginning to a conversation.

'And if you have a minute, why don't we go

Talk about it somewhere only we know?'

"How did you cope with seeing him again?"

She seems a little surprised by my question. I can see how it seems a little strange, considering Lewis is dead, but she doesn't question me.

"I saw Patton in Atlanta, on the pattern seventeen case...I knew it would happen, how could it not? But when he stood in front of me..."

I can see the feelings trying to take hold of her again, as she briefly closes her eyes.

"I felt sick, I wanted to run, to scream, to push and kick against him the way I couldn't that night...but I stood and tried to be professional, to not make a scene...he told me he would be coming to the conference, so I knew I'd see him...I tried to prepare myself but...it didn't help...every time I saw him, heard his voice...it was killing me...I couldn't breathe, it was like he was still lying on top of me..."

She looks at me curiously, unwilling to push, but unable to completely conceal her queries, as she tries to figure out how this is related to telling Rafael what happened with Lewis.

I shrug lightly, "I don't know...it's something that has just been bothering me...seeing them again...I can't really explain it, and it's ridiculous in my case...they're both dead...I don't know why I've spent so much time worrying about seeing them again..."

She shrugs back at me, "I spent so much time worrying about facing Patton, I was terrified he'd...hurt me again...even at a conference full of cops...it was ridiculous but I couldn't help it, I was completely safe in a roomful of cops...but it wouldn't stop..."

I try to bite back the words that threaten to spill out, but as I look to her, I can see she is already thinking them, "It wasn't ridiculous though Amanda, he raped Reese Taymore at that conference..."

'This could be the end of everything

So why don't we go somewhere only we know?

Somewhere only we know'

She nods and smiles sadly at me, "No more than thinking about seeing someone again, when you hear about their death..."

She is right... How did I not make that connection? She is talking about Harris, but she knows how interlinked my experiences at the hands of both Lewis and Harris have become...how I can't consider the effects of one without the other now...because they are no longer separate incidents, who I am now, is the cumulative effects of both men...

Now that she has pointed it out, it seems to make so much sense...now that I have really accepted what happened in that beach house, I simultaneously want to confront Lewis, and fear what could happen were that confrontation possible...it's like my brain needs to plan, to be sure...

"In some ways, when I told Rafael, last night...I wished I could see him again..."

She doesn't seem as shocked as I had expected, at this.

"Even when the words find their way out...it still can't be true..." she whispers, and I can only nod.

I could never have explained it, but this is it...it's like I almost, need to put myself in danger again, to be in his presence...after whispering the words, out loud, to someone...I need to know, I need to be sure I am right, I need him to be the danger I have accused him of being...

I can't help but wonder if I was in a position like Amanda's, where my attacker was alive and free...how would I balance that need and that fear?

I know from seeing Lewis in court, and when I went to him, to try to save Amelia Cole...I know that feeling that my whole insides, everything that defined me, was being torn out. That feeling that my body couldn't possibly sustain me as my heart raced, blackness flittered across my vision, my lungs refused to suck in enough air and my stomach threatened to force its contents out. I remember how my legs could hardly bear my weight as they turned to jelly and my whole body, almost vibrated with the terror. I remember the images flooding back...

But I also remember the feeling of validation, when it seemed Lewis was about to rape me, as he pushed against my body and reached for my belt, in the granary.

'Oh simple thing, where have you gone?

I'm getting old and I need someone to rely on'

"Liv, are you ok?"

Her voice pulls me back to the present.

I nod quickly.

"Rafael was devastated...I hate that I caused him such agony..."

"You didn't Liv, he was devastated for you..."

I know this is the truth...but it doesn't relieve me of the feelings.

"I told him he could talk to you, to Fin...that he needs to..."

She nods again, silently agreeing to be there for him.

"What about you Liv?"

Touché. I am very aware this is exactly what I would have said to her, perhaps, did say to her...but I just don't have any answer...

"Liv, Rafael is with Fin, he's being looked after...and I know you'd probably prefer to talk to him, or that Amaro was still here, but I'm here, if you want...?"

How can she still feel like she is second, or third choice, to me?

"Amanda, it feels like you are the only one in the world, I can talk to like this...even when I don't understand it myself, you seem to understand the feelings..."

She smiles sadly, she understands...

"I've spent a long time twisting definitions...allowing myself to deny things by playing some stupid word game in my own head..."

'So tell me when you're gonna let me in

I'm getting tired and I need somewhere to begin'

I know she understands this, as we both silently remember her assertions that she let Patton hurt her, that she put herself in that position...

"When he had me in the beach house...I needed the toilet...I put myself in the position to be partly naked..."

I can see she is almost holding her breath, as the words she has dreaded so much, start to drip out.

"Legally he didn't rape me..."

The words do nothing to comfort her; she can see the sentence is far from finished...

"He started...to try... but he...wasn't...ready..."

I hate how halting my words are, how I sound...

"He couldn't... but...but I felt him...start to...push...into me..."

She nods tightly.

"And the gun...my gun..."

She swallows hard.

"His fingers..."

I know how little I have said. How little sense it makes, how incomplete the sentences and thoughts are, but she seems to have garnered the full story nonetheless.

I'm cried out. There are no more tears. I just shake softly as I try to keep my reactions reasonable.

'And if you have a minute, why don't we go

Talk about it somewhere only we know?'

She seems to be waiting for me to finish... Does she think there's more? Of course, she knows what 'real' rape is, she doesn't think this is a big thing..."

"I'm sorry Amanda, I know in comparison to what you suffered...it's nothing..."

She almost jumps out of her seat, in her rush to stop me, "God, Liv, how can you think that?"

Her barely there, flash of anger surprises me, and I have no response as she stares at me. I know she is waiting for me to say something...

The silence seems to get deeper as I try to figure out what she is waiting for, until I can take it no more.

"Amanda, I don't know what you are waiting for me to say?" I whisper softly, in embarrassment.

"I'm waiting for you to say the words you tried to avoid for so long Liv...not for me, for yourself...I know what they mean..."

I understand. I nod softly, ashamed again, that I could have been so stupid, so as not to see immediately, what she was waiting for.

"It doesn't fit the legal definition, Amanda, but...he did rape me..."

'This could be the end of everything

So why don't we go? So why don't we go?'

As the words leave my lips I can see how much they pain her, as she stretches out her hand to me. I reach for it gratefully.

Now the silence that greets my words is peaceful.

"I thought the words would be shattering, that it would change everything...but it hasn't...it doesn't really change much..."

She shakes her head, "I found it changed things very little, but I guess the damage was already done, the words couldn't undo it...but they didn't make it worse either..."

And again my next question surprises me, "What if Rafael can't ever see me again without thinking of it...?"

I hate that I'm saying these things. I feel weak, whiny, completely self-obsessed and superficial, like I'm missing the entire point.

"He will, Liv. He's probably overwhelmed at the moment, I can't imagine how he feels...but he knew so much about what happened, it never effected how he felt about you, this won't either..."

"Things were going so well, we were really beginning to break down the walls...but he was always so tentative, so cautious... When I was with Brian, after...that's all that we were...cautious...it changed everything... "

She can't stop the eye roll that accompanies my mention of Brian, and despite the circumstances I find myself smiling at the hatred he managed to inspire in my team.

"It's not the same Liv, Barba is not Cassidy. And it's not the same situation at all, it was so recent then, he had tortured you, even apart from the sexual assault and rape..."

The way she so calmly, and easily, integrates the word into her thoughts, makes me wonder if anyone is really surprised by my disclosure.

"I know...I'm still scared though, not of him, I'm really starting to feel some of the things I thought I would never feel again...but what if...I can't?"

"I've told you before Liv, I never really saw the parallels between what Patton did, and sex...I pushed myself too hard...I refused to allow myself time...I barely waited for my body to heal...I went out and got drunk, I let some guy I met in a bar, pick me up, it was only a couple of weeks later...I went home with him, I thought it would let me get my body back...so I lay there under him...it hurt for a second but then it was like I wasn't even there...there was no pleasure, but no pain either...it never reminded me of Patton...it just wasn't what it had been...so I was determined to rediscover that pleasure...I wasn't letting him take it away...and after a while, I did find pleasure again...but...I also hurt myself...not deliberately...but it did damage...not physically, emotionally...and now I'm trying to enjoy sex not just take pleasure out of it...if that makes any sense?"

I can only nod, as her words are processed so slowly...

"I couldn't even imagine it...not until recently...until Rafael...my body felt like it wasn't even mine...I didn't feel like there was any desire, or potential for pleasure, or any kind of enjoyment left in me...I completely understand the way you use those words...pleasure and enjoyment...they don't mean the same...and both are necessary for a healthy sexual life...a healthy sexual image of yourself..."

She nods gently.

'Oh, this could be the end of everything

So why don't we go somewhere only we know?'

"I'm still so confused, Amanda. It feels like I'm validating his accusations by feeling desire...he said I was a frustrated, sick, woman... in front of a courtroom full of people...I couldn't separate his actions from sex...but now, I feel desire...I'm learning to enjoy being close to someone, to find pleasure...and I don't want to lose that..."

Despite being an adult, an SVU cop, my words are still embarrassing to me. But as I look to her there is no sign of embarrassment in her features.

'Somewhere only we know'

"Why is this the bit that no one really talks about?" she asks. "Why is this something that we feel guilty or ashamed about?

Why are there primetime TV ads for erectile dysfunction pills, but this is never talked about...? It's the same thing...it's our body struggling to respond too...and our minds trying to grapple with it all..."

She is right. I can only nod in complete agreement with her.

'Somewhere only we know'