A/N JustABonesFan; Thank you so much for the favourite. It's hard to explain what it means to me, but sometimes the timing of something like this means even more than it is possible to explain.
MrsChilton; It does sometimes feel like male sexuality is more talked about and almost more important...I don't know why? It's funny that you think I'm strong when I feel so weak and puny...This review came to me in between two horrible days, it really kicked me in the ass...I had to work with my monster and I'm finding it hard, your words really made a difference, thank you is nowhere near enough...
Intala; I love this song, it did seem to fit. I'm a bit conflicted about no one being shocked...as you may see here. It makes sense but...
Guest; Sometimes I guess only someone who has been there can really understand, I know it seems odd, but it's so difficult because an experience like this pervades every part of you and makes you doubt things that you didn't think were possible to doubt...
CityGirl7768; I don't know why but I have found that as a woman in a man's industry, it's much easier for sparks to fly, than to be supportive of each other when another woman appears. I've found though that with time, the competition fades and it becomes easier to have each other's backs. I love the way her team are her family...
Shootthephoto; It felt like Liv would have to say those words, but Amanda just wouldn't let her, I guess its impossible not to play down your own experiences because the alternative is to admit them for what they are, and that's too much...somehow it's easier to think it was bad but could always have been worse...It is stark. And unfortunately it is a truth...
"Willow" by Joan Armatrading...
"I'm strong, straight
Willing to be a shelter in a storm"
She is right in everything she has said.
She understands, not just what I am saying, but also a lot of what lays behind it, as yet, still unsaid...
"I know I need to go back to my therapist" I whisper.
"You will Liv, when you're ready..." she assures me.
"You weren't surprised Amanda...neither was Rafael...do you really believe what I said happened? I mean, you weren't there, you can't really know..."
She leans forwards so far in her chair that she is barely still on it, "Liv, there is no doubt, none, I believe you, Barba believes you...we know what Lewis was, we saw the trail of devastation he left in his wake, we know how badly hurt you were, we saw how hard it was for you...we had our suspicions because we know what he was...we could understand, there had to be things you were holding back. We hoped it was small things but we knew...it wouldn't be...Liv, I understand how hard it is, to say those words about yourself. I couldn't do it. I lied to myself for all those years, I allowed Patton to go completely unpunished, because I couldn't admit it, even to myself, but you, you were strong enough to admit enough to make a good case against him, you didn't allow Lewis to walk away...you went through hell again to put him away..."
'I may not be your best
You know good ones don't come by the score
You've got something missing
I'll help you look, you can be sure'
I chew my lip thoughtfully. The words are slamming against the walls I am hastily building higher in my head, to stop their escape. I am already weakened enough, I don't need her, or any of them, to know how thoroughly feeble I am.
How can she say those words with a straight face?
"I'm sorry for dragging this all up again, I know I've just expected so much of all of you...I will go back to Dr. Lindstrom, I'm sorry..."
She looks at me like I'm crazy, and for a moment I have no idea what is going through her mind.
"Liv, how can you not understand that we want to be here for you? We want to hear this...we want to talk to you...you are not a burden, this is not a hardship...we are upset, but we're upset at what you had to suffer...how can all the rules change when it's you?"
I can hear the anger in her words but it doesn't seem to match what she is saying, or her facial expressions, which seem to convey anything but anger...
She shakes her head in frustration...
"Liv, you gave out to me for not letting you all in, for not allowing myself to lean on you...but yet you feel like a burden...? Talk to me...?"
'And if you want to be alone
Someone to share a laugh
Whatever you want me to
All you got to do is ask'
As I look at her now, there is no mistaking her emotions, her intent or meaning...
As the words I tried to cage inside my own head, hit the walls I built to keep them safely in, they pinged unpredictably around their enclosure, until they landed in a indistinguishable heap. Now faced with rearranging them into sense, I have no clue where to start...
I can see how heartfelt her plea to me is, and I know she is probably interpreting my silence as some kind of reticence, when all I want to do, is let it out...
So many years of carefully constructing barriers, of filtering my thoughts before they escaped as words, is not easily undone.
"I hate that such small things can make it all feel like it happened just yesterday..." I whisper softly.
She pulls her chair around the desk until it is beside me and she holds my hand tightly.
"I don't want to go back...I don't want to be that person anymore...I don't want people looking at me like that again, I don't want my personal life on display for everyone, to decide if I'm struggling...I feel like every attempt I have made, was wasted...like it doesn't matter what I ever do, he will always be all that defines me."
I can hear the sharp intake of her breath at my words.
Her face is twisted slightly.
'Thunder don't go under the sheets
Lightning under a tree
In the rain and snow
I'll be your fireside'
"Lewis is dead, Amanda, and now Harris is dead...they are no danger to me, to anyone, anymore...but I'm still afraid...not just of them...of what they showed me about myself,... of all the men I meet that I don't know, what if one of them is capable of doing it again...of how I can't leave it in the past where it belongs...of having to talk about it again...of how people react...of what do I say, what is too much and what is too vague...I'm terrified that I can't do it all again..."
As I look into the eyes I have been avoiding as I spoke, I see tears glistening in her eyes.
"I know...I feel a lot of that too...I don't know when it goes away, Liv...but it gets better, you know that..."
'Come running to me
When things get out of hand'
"...but Amanda, Patton isn't dead...how do you cope?..."
"I moved...I put as much distance between me and him as I could...and after years, I was finally starting to feel like I was getting back on my feet...the old Amanda who allowed a man to do that to her, that never said anything, she was finally gone and I was beginning to believe that if anyone ever tried to hurt me again, I would fight, and then I would fight for myself again, by not keeping secrets...but the second I saw him...the new and improved Amada I'd spent years creating and moulding was gone...instead it was just the old Amanda, shaking before him in evidence storage, silently begging him not to hurt me while trying to pretend everything was fine. I was so scared...Fin was close by, and he seemed to almost sense something wasn't right,... I know Fin isn't the same as the guys I worked with in Atlanta, he wouldn't let me be hurt in front of him...but I couldn't ask him to protect me, he's my partner not my bodyguard...I didn't want him to know, I didn't want him to think I was weak. How could he trust me to have his back when I couldn't protect myself? In that instant I knew there was no way to avoid Patton. We were in his jurisdiction, and he mentioned the conference...after years of not having to deal with him, I had to accept I was going to have to find a way to deal with him being around again. It nearly killed me. I knew people would tell me it was in the past, that he wouldn't be allowed to hurt me while they were around, that I didn't press charges, I couldn't do anything..."
'Running to me
When it's more than you can stand'
She takes a huge breath and looks me straight in the eye,
"Liv, I don't know... I suppose monsters really do creep up on you when you're not looking...I just can't get rid of the idea that you should fight for how things should be not, just accept them as they are...I guess I'm trying to figure out how hard you fight, and how long you wait for things to change?...At what point does trying to think of other people just become too destructive? How do you face the danger of half the population, of the possibility of a similar set of circumstances? How do you know what a reasonable reaction is, or what is just past experiences coloring your view? Whether it's Patton or someone else, at what point do you know...? I'm so scared that I'd allow my fear to change my actions...that I'd go crazy over something innocent, or that I'd be so afraid of overreacting, worrying that I'm so damaged, that I unfairly see only the worst in everyone, that I would put myself in real danger to prove I'm fine...How do I balance the worry that I'm wrong, against letting something horrific happen to prove I was right?"
'I said, "I'm strong, straight
Willing to be a shelter in a storm"
Your willow, oh willow
When the sun is out'
This is what I feel... Her words have given me courage to voice what I have so carefully hidden away for so long...
"Yes! And at what point do the effects of what happened, cross from being reasonable effects, to allowing a bad experience to define you, to let it change you, and alter your life? I don't know what I expect people to do for me, at what point would I expect someone to intervene for me, to help me, in a situation that is making me uneasy...and are any of these expectations realistic? And if I'm forced to tell someone...how do I expect them to react? What do I expect from them? What's a good reaction and what's a bad one, what is acceptable for either of us to say? And if I'm not sure of any of these boundaries, or where these lines are, how can anyone else be expected to know? And Amanda, there isn't even one set of rules, it changes so much depending on the situation and the person?"
She nods quickly...
"Is the possibility of having to face a proven monster really any scarier than being unaware of the monsters, as yet, unmasked... At what point does stubbornness, refusing to be forced to change things for your own safety and peace of mind, become permitting someone to destroy you? If I'm faced with Patton again, I know what he is capable of, so if I don't act enough, to keep him at a distance, to protect myself, am I giving him implicit permission to do what he wants? What do we have to do to make then understand we're saying no?"
Now that we have started to say these things it seems to be impossible to stop the torrent...
"We have to investigate every possible aspect of each case, does it make it worse to be able to see everyone's perspective, when we can see how difficult it is for everyone, does it worsen the effects on us?... Amanda, I want to know what happened to Harris. I know Fin has the preliminary paperwork...he told me...I want to know...I'm scared of the consequences of that knowledge...I don't think I could cope if he wasn't the monster I need him to be...but I know Fin won't just hand me the reports and forget about it,... I know Rafael, wants him to have suffered...I know how upset it's likely to make me, and I can't ask everyone to support me even more, but I need to know..."
My words surprise me. I didn't think I had made a decision about the details of Harris' death. I was trying to allow it to slide into the past, forgotten. But obviously I have much stronger feelings than I realized, on the subject.
"Do you want me to get the reports from Fin for you, Liv?"
I shake my head softly.
"I didn't really know I felt like that Amanda...I guess it was pushed down too deep...I nearly lost Rafael because of trying to explain how I need Harris to have been a monster, right up to his death...
I know what Harris did, it wasn't as bad as what Lewis did, but it changed me...and I know that all that stopped him was Fin, he was very clear what was happening, there is no question, Fin even confirmed that...but still...I can't get rid of the worry that he didn't mean it somehow, or that he didn't understand the consequences of his actions...I know how stupid it sounds but...I don't think I can deal with anything that makes me doubt myself anymore...I can't explain that to Rafael..."
I can see how visceral her understanding of my admission is. She can no more deny these feelings than I can, despite knowing how wrong they are.
"I wish I had any answers Liv...All I know is that Barba seems to be willing to do anything for you...he wants to understand...And I'm always happy to help, in any way I can...but you have to look after yourself first...you need to find out about Harris and trust that the guys will be a soft landing, no matter what..."
We sit silently for a few moments, lost in our own contemplations.
"Amanda, Lewis really raped me...I want someone to be shocked...it doesn't feel like a big deal...it should feel like a big deal..."
'A fight with your best girl
Prettiest thing you ever saw
You know I'll listen
Try to get a message to her
And if it's money you want
Or trouble halved
Whatever you want me to
All you got to do is ask'
She looks at me questioningly, silently asking how Rafael reacted when I told him.
"Rafael was so upset...he cried...I could see how hard he was fighting to maintain any level of composure...I could see how devastated he was..."
She whispers softly, "Maybe he was afraid to show his shock Liv?"
This surprises me. How was he afraid to show shock?
"I don't know Liv, but I can't believe he reacted like that, but wasn't shocked...I just know how easy it is to confuse shock and disbelief, which is one of the reasons we never show shock at work..."
My mouth drops open at her stating such an obvious fact that I'd completely overlooked...I've been congratulating myself on the fantastic way which we had talked through my horrible revelations, how we had felt comfortable enough to show our feelings to each other, but maybe we both held back so much...?
I've been almost, distraught, at how neither my reaction, nor his, felt like they were appropriate to how immeasurable my admission was.
It has felt like I'm making a big deal out of little, because I'm almost numb...and despite his awful upset, he wasn't shocked. Maybe he tried to hide it from me though, for fear I would mistake it for disbelief...?
Before we can say anything more, Carisi taps on the door and pushes in, "Sorry Sarge, Amanda, we've got a problem with the O'Reilly Case..."
He's carrying a statement, which he is holding with such disgust it can only be a recant...
Sure enough he explains that Karen O'Reilly has chosen to withdraw the charges we spent so long trying to convince her to press against the fiancé who hospitalized her for wearing the "wrong dress" to dinner with his work colleagues. Despite our pleas, she believes he is sorry, and won't do it again...
I ask Amanda and Carisi to go talk to her, make it clear how often we have seen this, how it's never a one-time thing, to make it very clear that we are here for her next time...
Amanda looks to me carefully before she leaves; a look that Carisi doesn't miss as he quickly excuses himself.
"Liv, I'm here anytime..."
'I said, "I'm strong, straight
Willing to be a shelter in a storm"
Your willow, oh willow
When the sun is out'
I nod gratefully at her, "I know Amanda, and I'm more grateful than I can tell you...I'm ok...I guess I just need to talk to Rafael more..." my eye roll makes it clear how much talking we are already doing...
She grins slightly "And talk to Fin...you need to know..."
I nod softly and gesture at a very fidgety and frustrated Carisi.
"I'll talk to him Liv, he hates to lose one...he finds it hard to walk away when he feels we could do more...hell, it's the bit I still find difficult..."
Again I can only nod as she walks out to the man who immediately starts barraging her with a torrent of suggestions of how they could try and change her mind.
I try to get my head into work, making progress but not being completely able to put my own problems aside.
When Fin gets back, he immediately comes into me, dropping into a chair as soon as he can.
"Liv...I don't know what to say, other than I'm sorry..."
As I look at the man before me, I can see he is sad, upset for me, and shocked, despite always having suspicions that there were things I wasn't admitting to.
Oddly, the bereft look on the face of my friend, helps me feel some of the gravity that I felt the situation had been lacking.
"No Fin, I'm the one who is sorry, for keeping it from you...I just couldn't admit it...even to myself...it was too much, the only control I had left, was denying that he had done what he wanted to..."
He nods slowly, understanding what I am saying and why I kept my secret for so long...
"I guess somewhere inside I kindda knew Liv...but...I wanted so much, to be wrong...How are you?"
'Shelter in a storm
Your willow, oh willow
When the sun is out'
"I just had a long talk with your partner...she was great...it's so hard to not feel weak..."
He scowls at this word, but he allows me to speak.
"It wouldn't be weakness in anybody else...but..."
I just shrug off the rest of the sentence.
"Thank you for talking to Rafael, Fin. I know how badly it has effected him."
I deliberately ask no questions. I know that they need to be able to talk without me intervening in any way, even to ask how he is. But as always Fin knows what I'm not saying...
"He's ok Liv. He's hurting but he's ok...he was coming in to see how you are, but he got called into the office, he asked me to check on you..."
The thoughtfulness of this man, and Rafael towards me, as always, makes me smile.
The small, fragile, smile is what Fin wanted to see though, and I can see his body relax slightly.
"I hate that you've had to go through all of this Liv..."
"Fin, I've been thinking...I can't keep hiding...it doesn't stay buried anyways...I think I need to know what happened to Harris..."
He looks at me carefully.
"Are you sure?"
I nod slowly, "I'm scared to find out...I'm not sure how it will affect me...but I think I need an ending..."
'Shelter in a storm
Your willow, oh willow
When the sun is out'
He nods tightly, "How do you want to do it Liv?"
His question is a little surprising, he must understand how hard this is for me, I really expected him to just stand up and go get the reports.
I haven't considered this, and as I'm debating it, my phone beeps softly,
[Hope you are doing ok? I'm thinking about you. I got called back to the office. Fin has found me a boyfriends support group meeting tonight; I'd like to go if that's ok with you?]
[That's more than ok Rafael. I'm very glad. Please look after yourself. I have so many people here looking after me.]
This makes my decision so much easier, "Fin can you give me the reports as I'm leaving tonight? I'd like to read them in my own time later..."
He nods again slowly, "Liv, you have to promise to call one of us, if you need us?"
I smile sadly as I nod, "That's a promise I can easily keep."
He nods again, his slight reluctance clear, but his trust in me is enough to allow him to do what I am asking.
The rest of the day passes slowly but as we approach finishing time, I start to doubt my decision. It's not real doubt, it's fear though, so I try not to allow it to shake my resolve.
When the clock finally ticks around, I have gotten enough done and nothing urgent has come in to demand my attention, I start to pack up for the day and Fin walks into my office with a folder. He places it on the small table in front of my couch, walking away from it, leaving it so that I have to consciously go get it, but that I don't have to ask him for it again.
"It's your choice Liv...I'm going to meet up with Barba...but we're all here..."
I nod, slightly surprised he is going to the support meeting with Rafael, but glad for both of them, so I say nothing. They both need some support and I'm aware of how brave it is for them to admit it.
I walk over and look at the file before gingerly picking it up and shoving it into my bag, before I lose my nerve.
"Thanks Fin. I hope tonight is good..."
Shelter in a storm
Your willow, oh willow
When the sun is out
He just nods again as we silently part for the night, our eyes lingering until the last second before we break contact.