A/N I hate that writing this has made me so desperate for feedback, that all my carefully hidden neurosis are coming to light, but I worry so much that I've upset people and said things that aren't said for good reason...Please let me know if I've gone too far?

MrsChilton; The differences between male and female sexuality as seen by society, is something I could very happily rant on about for ages...and I hate to say it but are we not as much to blame for this dichotomy as men are, don't we perpetuate so many of these things ourselves, in our own expectations and feelings? I know I am... but I have no idea how to change it except to try and correct myself when I apply different standards to men and women...I do agree though that too many women's issues are governed and decided by too many men.
We are definitely so much harder on ourselves and even unrealistic in our expectations...

Intala; I loved your rant, get right back up on that soapbox! I have no idea where the line between reasonable safety concerns and terror-filled, knee jerk, reactions is...as you know, it is a huge concern for me...you're right about how differently this life changing type of event is viewed in contrast to other life changing events...I really enjoyed the conversation between Liv and Amanda too, it felt like they would share so many concerns...I didn't even think about how Liv would deal with Rafael and Fin going to a meeting...the monkeys decided she needed to take a leaf from Fin's book and allow it be separate and not intrude...I like it though...

Guest; I was a little worried that nobody cared anymore about the Harris results...I just couldn't make a decision, until it just slipped out...I don't think there is a good answer here, every answer comes with renewed pain...but I appreciate all the suggestions on the subject and hope people approve...

"Wrecking Ball" by Scars on 45...

The file I have taken from Fin feels like it is burning a hole in my bag as I make my way home.

When I step out of a taxi that delivers me to my apartment, impatience to read it is threatening to overpower me, but also an immense regret is tugging at my heart, that I took it at all.

I didn't realize how late it was, until I got home and Noah was already in bed. I'm disappointed to have missed spending time with my precious baby boy...but I'm also relieved to not have to pretend to be ok.

As I once again, thank Lucy, and see her out, I can't resist clicking both the locks on the door. I insisted on them when I moved in, but as time has passed I have become more comfortable, and regularly only use the main lock. I know it is a good indication of my state of mind that I click and check both of them.

I force myself to heat some soup and make a sandwich, taking them into the living room where I settle myself on the floor, with the contents of the folder spread out around me.

I spoon hot soup into my mouth, inadvertently burning my tongue, as I try to decide where to start on the file.

I eat the soup and sandwich unconsciously, as I pick my way slowly, through the folder's insides.

It's a small file, preliminary reports, and a short prison investigation. It doesn't feel like a lot to mark a man passing from life into death.

As I reread the last page, I place it back onto the pile I have created as I worked my way through the documents, and lean back against the couch.

I don't know how I feel. There is relief. I'm glad I've found out. I have an ending, as I wanted, but I haven't been able to take it in enough, to know how I really feel yet.

I stand up and make some tea, thoughtlessly shoving the file back into its folder. It no longer has any power, it has given up its secrets, and now it is just paper.

When I'm clasping a hot mug, I head back into the living room, settling automatically across the couch. I wish Rafael was here, and I could lie back into the comfort of his arms, I think as I try to make myself comfortable on the couch that feels empty, as I lie on it alone.

'We clawed, we chained, our hearts in vain

We jumped, never asking why

We kissed, I fell under your spell

A love no one could deny'

I can't resist a quick look at the clock as I try to imagine the meeting that Rafael and Fin are attending.

I deliberately didn't ask any questions of the guys, so I don't know what time it started, and I didn't want to ask Rafael to call me. I'm sure it will be emotional for him, and I don't want to put any more pressure on him, he needs to look after himself tonight.

As I start to try and process the information I have just gotten about Harris' death, I lose track of all time, as my mind allows itself the freedom to go where it wants.

When there is a gentle knock on the door, it makes me jump, spilling the cold tea all over my lap.

"Who is it?" I demand as I walk towards the door, rubbing at the tea-drenched pants.

"It's Rafael, Liv, are you ok?"

I quickly throw the locks off as I pull open the door. He looks worried as he steps inside.

"I called Liv, I'm sorry, I was worried..." he mutters looking me up and down, as if to convince himself I am whole, and uninjured.

As I wipe at the tea soaking into my legs he worriedly asks, "What happened Liv?"

"I'm fine Rafael, I spilt some cold tea on myself when I heard the door, I was miles away...I guess that's probably also why I didn't hear my phone..."

At the second mention of my phone I look around for it. It's nowhere to be seen. I start to dig into my bag, still no phone. After a few moments of digging, I find it in the jacket thrown under my laptop bag, beside the door.

I pull it out to find "5 missed calls".

"I'm sorry Rafael, I didn't mean to worry you..."

He is still standing slightly awkwardly, just inside the door.

"Are you ok Rafael?"

He scrubs his hand across his face. "It was good, but hard..." he answers my silent question about the support group meeting.

"I didn't want to intrude, I can go if you want to be alone?" he whispers softly caressing my cheek.

'Don't you ever say I just walked away

I will always want you

I can't live a lie, running for my life

I will always want you'

I have no control over my tongue as it quickly says, "No, I missed you..." and my lips reach for his.

He seems very grateful, as his arms wrap around me.

"You know you can always tell me you need some time alone, but I'm so glad to be able to hold you now..."

He gently pulls us to our regular positions on the couch, and we both cling tightly to each other.

"Can I ask you something Rafael?"

I feel rather than see his head nod at my query, before he seems to realize I can't see his gesture, "Always Liv..."

"You don't have to answer if you don't want to, but were you at all shocked, by what I said Lewis did?"

I feel him tense slightly as he turns me slightly in his arms, until we are looking each other in the eye.

"Liv, the way you say that worries me...I was really shocked by what Lewis did...there is no doubt, it's not what you said he did...it's what he did...I knew you were going to tell me some bad stuff, but...I didn't realize how bad...Did my shock upset you?"

'I came in like a wrecking ball

I never hit so hard in love

All I wanted was to break your walls

All you ever did was break me'

I'm silent for a moment as I try to figure out how to answer his question.

"But you weren't there...you can't know that is what happened..."

He cups my chin, his thumb tracing over my lips, "Liv, I do know,... I know you, I know what he was capable of...I don't know why I was so shocked really, but I was...I tried not to show it...I'm sorry if it upset you..."

I turn onto my side, curling into him, resting my head on his chest, "It wasn't like that...I didn't think you were shocked, it didn't feel like it was..."

The words refuse to come. As his arms tighten around me, he whispers, "It didn't feel... what, Liv?"

"It wasn't just you, it was me too, and Amanda, nobody was shocked...it felt like maybe it wasn't such a big deal..."

I can feel his breath catch as his heart pounds against my ear.

"Liv, it is a huge deal...he raped you..."

I can hear his emotion in the short sentence.

'Don't you ever say I just walked away

I will always want you

I can't live a lie, running for my life

I will always want you'

"I've been trying to hide how big a deal it is...I'm so afraid of doing or saying the wrong thing...Liv, I can't imagine how that...violation...feels...physically, emotionally...you had already been through so much...It doesn't change how I feel about you, not at all, but...I'm more conscious of my body, of touching you, of pushing you...of triggering you...I don't want to remind you...of him"

I allow my hand to softly caress his torso as I speak.

"I think that's very understandable Rafael. And I know a lot of men, have the same feelings, I understand...but you are not like him...your touch is not like his...I know it's going to take a little time for us both...I don't feel capable of being sexual now, but I don't want you to worry about touching me...I trust you, I will tell you if something doesn't feel right or reminds me...but I can't cope with feeling that... you don't want me...now..."

"Liv, I do want you...I desire you...the images are just over-riding my body at the moment...I don't think I can separate my desire from the images of him hurting you, the actions feel the same...I still desire you, I just need some time to process..."

'I came in like a wrecking ball

I never hit so hard in love

All I wanted was to break your walls

All you ever did was break me'

"I think we both need some time, but we have to be honest I guess...I'm just so scared that all our progress has just been wiped away..."

He pulls me even tighter to him.

"Liv, it is only because of all the progress that we have made that we can sit here like this...and I understand that you may feel I was overly cautious before, and worry about how things will be now...but...I just don't want to hurt you..."

'I came in like a wrecking ball

Yeah, I just closed my eyes and swung

Left me crouching in a blaze and fall

All you ever did was break me'

We lie comfortably in silence for a time.

"Liv..."

"Hmmmmm..." I mutter.

"Can I ask you something?"

I sit up slightly, nodding as I take his hand, interlocking my fingers into his.

"I've been thinking, even more so since the meeting, I'm not sure how to put this..."

He swallows deeply.

"Rafael, we seem to be able to do anything, once we talk about it openly..."

He nods softly.

"Ok, you have to promise to question anything you're not sure about?"

I nod back at him, happy to make that promise.

He sighs, "How can my body not scare you?"

"You don't scare me Rafael...when I see you as a whole person, you don't scare me...but if I just see your body as its pieces, I find it harder...After all this time, being so afraid of sex, it's just not the same anymore...I want to feel that pleasure with you...I'm just not sure how to go about it...you aren't just sexual, you're also sensual...maybe that's the difference, and you're so gentle with me...none of that is anything like what he did"

He kisses my hand gently, smiling at me.

"Do you regret telling me Liv? Did you mind telling me the details? I know I pushed you..."

'I never meant to start a war

I just wanted you to let me in

And instead of using force

I guess I should've let you in'

"I didn't want you to be so upset...I wanted to protect you from it...but No!...I needed to tell you...I needed your support...and I knew you needed to understand why I said what I did, why I was still finding it so hard...Do you regret hearing the details?"

At the mention of the words I can never take back, he gives me that frowning scowl that is uniquely Rafael.

He shakes his head. "Liv, I understand why you said that, why you still have that fear, how could you not? The words upset me, I can't deny that, but when I calmed down and thought about it...It means so much more, that you trust me. You feel like it tore us apart, but I feel so much closer to you...Your words were so honest...it would have been easier to hide them but you trusted me...Do you understand me when I say that the images of him are affecting my body's reaction to you?"

I pull my bottom lip with my teeth as I nod at him. He seems to sense I am holding back my fear though.

"Liv, you need to hear me..." he looks me deep in the eye as he holds both my hands, "I don't see you as any different, you are still the same beautiful, sexy woman, you are no less, you are not somehow..."

He falters, completely unable to find a word.

"Damaged...dirty...used..." the words escape my mouth in a whisper.

"No Liv...NO!...that's not what is in my head, not at all...before and during the trial, I struggled with similar images...I keep seeing him...burning you, hurting you..."

I can see him trying to fight down the images. He is battling tears as the images seem to play out in front of him...

"...and now raping you...I hate that you coped with it all, that you suffered it all and I can't stop the sick feeling that anyone could be that twisted...to do that to another human being, to you...I want to have put him away, so he couldn't hurt you...I feel so...impotent..."

I see his choice of word to describe his feelings is carefully chosen. He is trying to tell me why his body is reacting as it is...it makes sense...he is so consumed by his own guilt and the horrors, that he isn't even really thinking about me... It doesn't wipe away the feelings but I begin to understand...he is not disgusted by me...in much the same way, as I can't look at the horrifying pictures we see at work, and put aside the feelings it brings up immediately...he can't see me suffering in his mind and put that to one side... He isn't seeing a sexual assault; he's seeing an assault...it's not that the sexual element doesn't matter, it's just that he's seeing violence, and pain...he is seeing exactly what we try to tell people, it's not about sex, it's about control and power and hurting someone...

"It's not about what he did sexually...it's about him hurting me...?" I question softly.

As the tears glisten in his eyes he can only nod gratefully.

"He HURT you, Liv. In any way he could...in every way that he could..."

"But you really don't see me as dirty...used...soiled by him?"

"No Liv...all I can see is how badly he hurt you...and how amazing you are, that you can move past it, while I'm not able to let go of the images of him hurting you..."

"But Rafael, you only found out so much...I've put so many new images into you head...so recently...you can't hear things like that about someone...close to you...and forget them..."

He kisses me softly, caressing my face so lightly, "...someone I love..." he whispers.

His words comfort me, but also scare me, "Do you regret hearing the details?" I ask again. He tries to gather himself, rubbing away his tears, clearing his throat.

"This is something that was discussed tonight...there were so many different opinions, and I have felt a little of all of them, wanting to know but not being told, not wanting to know, wishing you hadn't heard...but, as much as it hurts, I'm glad you told me...I'm not sure I'd feel like you trusted me, if you couldn't tell me, I understand why you hadn't told me or anyone else, and that's probably selfish, but it's too important...I know that the images won't go away, but I'll learn to live with them...I'm so glad that you trust me to share, even this, with you..."

'I never meant to start a war

I just wanted you to let me in

I guess I should've let you in

Don't you ever say I just walked away'

This is the perfect opening to tell him another secret, my fear bubbles up again as I try to steady my nerves.

"Rafael, there's something else I should tell you...I realized today, that I need to know what happened to Harris...I got the files from Fin, I read them just before you got here..."

I don't know what I expect him to do or say but he surprises me when he just looks at me and asks softly, "Are you ok?"

I nod thoughtfully, not sure whether to offer him the folder or to tell him...

"Do you want to know Rafael?"

He nods definitely.

"The investigation says that he was in his cell, there was no one with him...he staggered out into the hallway and collapsed...there seemed to be no reason for it...and the autopsy seems to back it up, some of his arteries were almost completely occluded...it was nearly an inevitability...there was no evidence of any type of foul play and he seemed otherwise, to be in reasonable health for a man of his age and circumstance..."

He strokes my hair softly, "How do you feel about that Liv?"

"I think I'm glad...it was mundane...an everyday event...there was nothing special about it and he did nothing good..."

He smiles gently, "It's more than he deserved, but I'm glad for you, if this brings you a little peace..."

'I will always want you

I came in like a wrecking ball

I never hit so hard in love

All I wanted was to break your walls

All you ever did was break me'

He lightly strokes my back as he leans his head down onto mine, "Liv, you feel very tense, can I run you a bath? I'm not going anywhere I'll be right here when you finish..." he adds as I curl tighter into him.

I bite my lip slightly as I debate the thoughts that rush into my head.

"Rafael, I know that neither of us are ready for anything, but...do you think we could take a bath together...not to be sexual, but just to relax...just to be together..."

He seems unsure as he looks at me, "I've no swim shorts with me Liv..."

"You don't need them Rafael, I want us to try to get used to each other's bodies, and this seems like a good way to do it..."

He says nothing, just pulls us both up off the couch, and leads me by the hand, to the bathroom. I sit in the chair as he fills the tub with hot water and sweet smelling bath oils.

When the tub is filled enough, he reaches his hand out to me, pulling me back to my feet. He kisses me lightly and undresses me carefully. His touch is not tentative, it's confident and gentle, and when I stand before him in only my underwear, he makes no effort to take them off. Instead he undresses himself, as I watch him. When he stands only in his underwear, he whispers, "We can get in like this Liv?"

I shake my head, grateful for his thought, but it is unnecessary. I reach for his last item of clothing and push them gently down his legs, before repeating the action with my own underwear.

He steps into the tub and holds a hand out to me, guiding me to sit back against him.

The heat of the water and his skin are delicious to my tense body. He starts to squeeze warm water over my shoulders from the sponge as we lay there. My arms run along his legs, and I feel at peace. There is no thought of our nakedness, as we allow the water to soothe us.

"Liv, can I wash your hair?"

I nod, as he starts to wet my hair, stroking it as he drips water off the sponge. I sit up slightly to allow him access as he starts to massage shampoo into my scalp. His hands feel amazing on my muscles, as he works down my neck and my shoulders too.

After the most relaxing shampooing I have ever experienced, he reaches for the jug I use to wash the shampoo out of Noah's hair. His hand sits carefully across my forehead to protect my eyes from the suds, just as I do with Noah.

I borrow his sponge and start to soap up his legs then his arms, just wanting the opportunity to touch him, to show some of the care he has shown me.

We lie in the tub, enjoying each other's presence, until the cooling water drives us out.

He wraps a large, warm, towel tenderly around me, kissing me gently, as he starts to dry my hair with a smaller one.

Again I notice a parallel between how I bathe Noah and how he is delicately looking after me, but as I look into his eyes, I can see love and no small measure of desire in them.

All worries of this being an innocent, childlike, bath are brushed away as I notice his body's arousal. I'm surprised to feel my own body has responded to his care too. This is not innocent; we are both clearly aroused by each other...

As I pull a towel around his shoulders, I wrap my arms around him tightly.

"I desire you Rafael...as much as you desire me..."

He kisses me deeply.

"Liv, I'd want to be dead to not desire you...you're such a beautiful woman..."

As we both finish drying off, we can't take our eyes of each other.

I take him by the hand and lead him into my bedroom, pulling off his towel and then my own as I pull him into bed.

"I'm not sure this is such a good idea Liv," he whispers as I pull him onto his side behind me.

His arm slides around my waist as I lean comfortably against him. I can't help but notice that as a naked man lies behind me, his hardness pressed tightly against my butt, I feel completely safe.

'I came in like a wrecking ball

Yeah, I just closed my eyes and swung

Left me crouching in a blaze and fall

All you ever did was break me'

He gently twists my damp hair up, as he surrenders himself to the comfort we have found in each other's arms.

As I feel my tired eyes start to close, I pull his hand up to rest between my breasts, on my heart. I can't say it but I hope he can feel what I want to say.

'I will always want you'