Chapter 1: Issues

Rachel Berry… The eternal embodiment of all things show business. Her façade masked everything from the world. Her show smile fit for a Broadway diva hid every ounce of insecurity and pain she ever felt, but keeping up appearances can be tiring, and keeping everything in was wearing on her. There was only so much she could do to project happiness and perfection to a world that loved to remind her of her flaws. Underneath the picture perfect smile and kid like attire, there was nothing more than a normal girl struggling to find her way dealing with issues in a not so normal way.

There she stood, the first day of junior year, just staring at her awful reflection in the locker mirror. Why she added a mirror was beyond her. She didn't need to see anymore of her pitiful self than she saw already, yet she added it anyway. Maybe it stood to be a reminder of what she needed to do, why she kept doing it, and why she had to keep it to herself. It wasn't anyone's business. And there she remained, staring into the dead eyes that looked back at her, throwing insults to her own reflection. "Ugly." "Untalented." "Disgraceful." "Disgusting." "Man Hands." "Fat." These and more all crossed her mind over and over. Not one good thing was said to herself. There was nothing good to say. Her self-berating and self hatred was cut short when she felt a hand on her shoulder that made her jump right from her thoughts.

"Whoa, Diva. It's just me." Kurt said as he threw his hands up in a playful surrender. Rachel took one more look in the mirror before turning around and flashing that 1000 watt smile. As fake as it was, no one would ever see the difference. No one would care enough to try.

"Sorry. You just surprised me." As skeptical as he was, the excuse was believable, and Kurt accepted her answer. So, instead of pressing it, he locked her arm in his.

"Grab your books. It's time for class." Together they made their way to class. Not even halfway there, and the trouble approached in the form of McKinley High's jerk squad of jocks. Releasing Kurt from her grip, Rachel started to walk a little faster. Kurt followed her lead trailing right behind her. Both were just hoping that neither would get hit by the dreaded slushy as each held one of a different hue. Hopes and dreams were dashed as the group spotted them and instantaneously made their way over. Before Rachel could do anything to lessen the blow, slushies seemed to be coming from every direction.

After the shock of the initial blow wore off, her eyes started stinging. She brushed as much off as possible as she listened to the parade of laughter passing around her and the soft groans of Kurt behind her. Eventually, Kurt, who was much better off than she was, grabbed her hand and dragged her into the nearest ladies' room locking the door behind them. Luckily, they were the only ones there.

Immediately, both went straight to the sinks to wash their faces and get whatever they could out of their hair. Rachel could taste the artificial liquid go down her throat, the calories adding up. She knew she had to do something about it, expel it before it added any more fat to her already pudgy body. When she looked up from the sink, her face finally visible again, she turned to Kurt. He was just about cleaned up, just needed to change his shirt. She needed clothes too, but she also needed a little alone time in the bathroom.

"Kurt?"

"Yeah Rachel?" He looked over to her, still finishing retouching his hair.

"Can you get my clothes from my locker? I mean if you're going to get yours, could you maybe get mine too?" Kurt put his hand on Rachel's shoulder as a sign of comfort, but also wiped some of the multicolored shaved ice off of her shirt.

"Sure Rachel."

"Thanks." With a nod of his head, Kurt exited the bathroom. Quickly, Rachel locked it once again and made her way to a stall. She didn't waste any time. With each passing second she could feel the particles breaking down adding calorie after calorie to her body. She had to get rid of it. Crouching down in front of the toilet, she stuck her finger down her throat, gagging until everything was purged. With the minute contents of her stomach gone, a sense of calm swept over her taking away some of the day's anxiety. She felt better, but the feeling was still there. She still wasn't good enough, wasn't smart enough, wasn't pretty enough, wasn't talented enough, just wasn't enough. She deserved to be slushied. She deserved to be called names. She just had to remember that when the actually bullying was happening. She deserved it, she deserved it all.

Rachel took a moment to compose herself, wipe away the tears that were welling in her eyes, before going to the sink. After rinsing off her face, she pulled a bottle of mouth wash from her bag. It was necessary to keep her secret just that, a secret. As she was swooshing the wash around her mouth, a knock came from the door. A part of her was afraid to open it. Who knew what kind of torture stood on the other side of that wooden slab?

"Rachel, unlock the door." Her tense body relaxed upon hearing his voice. So, after spitting out the mouth wash and wiping her mouth, she made her way to the door to let him in.

"Sorry, I didn't want anyone coming in."

"It's ok. Here." Passing Rachel her bag, Kurt entered and locked the door. He too had to get changed and while he could get ridiculed for it, he was going to change in the girls' bathroom. Luckily though, the warning bell for class already rang, so the hallways were pretty empty and no one would see him.

"Thanks Kurt." Rachel disappeared into a stall coming out a few minutes later freshly clothed. Kurt did the same. The second bell telling students class had officially started went off with Rachel and Kurt still recovering from the slushy bomb. Wet haired and uncomfortable, Rachel entered her first period class; the only class she didn't have with any of the other glee kids. All eyes were on her as the teacher stopped talking and faced her.

"You're late." It was a very matter of fact statement devoid of any and all emotions. Apparently she couldn't be bothered enough to care. It was good for Rachel though.

"I know, I'm sorry. I promise it won't happen again." Quickly, as if trying to hide from the incessant gawking, Rachel made her way to the open seat by the window. For the entire class period she basically just stared out of the window. She caught bits and pieces of the speech, but not much. "Homework and assignments are to be handed in on time, no exception." "School rules apply in the classroom." Blah. Blah. Blah. The only thing she really heard was her own voice in her head. She planned out exactly what she'd have for lunch, how much time she'd have to do on the elliptical to burn that and more, and every other aspect of the day she could somehow micro manage. She just kept thinking that the day just started and it already sucked. That wasn't such a good omen for the year, let alone the day.

During her mental planning, what she missed the teacher say was that she was only going to be here for about two weeks. Apparently Mrs. Jenson was moving away and agreed to stay until they could find a replacement. The school finally found a replacement who would be arriving in two weeks time. Fun. Rachel didn't think much of it. As long as the teacher wasn't another Sue Sylvester, everything would be just fine. Little did she know.

The next few classes went pretty much the same way. The teachers spouted off the rules and expectations, some went over a class syllabus. It was just a bunch of first day of school nonsense that Rachel did her best to pay attention to. But she was too preoccupied. Her show smile wasn't keeping her together. She seemed to be dreading each and every second more and more. By lunch, all she wanted to do was go home. She contemplated it for a while, but it was the first day. What kind of precedent would that be setting?

"Hey Rachel, I saved you a seat. Come to the table after you get your lunch." The flamboyant boy lacked no enthusiasm. His day must've taken a turn for the better. Good for him. Her day sucked; at least someone should be happy. After buying a lunch that she wasn't planning on eating, she made her way to the glee full table. Mercedes, Puck, Santana, Brittany… Basically, the entire gang was there, even Finn.

"Hey Rachel." Finn said obviously trying to break the tension. They hadn't spoken since their breakup before summer. This was their first encounter since then. Awkward would be an understatement.

"Hi Finn." The words came out rather bashfully, not at all like Rachel Berry. For a few moments the two just stared at each other, neither knowing just what to do next. Everyone else stared at them in silence. That is until Santana got fed up.

"Come on Man Hands. Take a seat. No one wants to look at your ugly face anymore." The words just reinforced what Rachel already knew. So, instead of responding, Rachel smiled a little faker and made her way next to Kurt.

"First glee club meeting after school today. Who's excited?"

In true Berry fashion, Rachel just had to go on about songs and dance numbers. It was the only thing all day that even added a little spark to her personality. "We definitely need a great solo number this year. If we stand any chance of winning, everything has to be flawless."

"Don't assume that solo automatically goes to you Diva." Added Mercedes.

"Of course not Mercedes. The solo should go to the best vocalist, and while I'm confident that is me, you are more than welcome to attempt to prove me wrong."

"Did she just say she was better than me?" Mercedes asked the table. That wasn't what she was saying. Mercedes was good, but Rachel knew how to play to a crowd. Apparently though, the table, or at least the Cheerios at the table, nodded at Mercedes. "Oh hell no. I don't care if it's the first day. We can do this Man Hands." Her hands flew up to a boxing position, but she never left her seat. Rachel's day really wasn't going her way.

By the end of lunch Rachel realized the argument and the talking all distracted her enough that she ate the entire plate. She planned on eating a bite here and there, definitely not the whole plate. She felt the pounds of fat adding to her body. She wanted to scream. How could she do that? It was going to take hours to burn that off. There weren't enough hours in the day to make up for her mistake. Panic set in and she knew what she had to do. She wasn't planning on doing that again today. Doing it at school was risky, but it had to be done.

"I'll see you in class." Rachel stated abruptly, disrupting the ongoing conversations.

"Where are you going?"

"I have to run to my locker. I think I forgot something there, but I'll see you and Puck in class. Ok?" Without waiting for an answer, and with a smile still plastered on her face, she quickly put the tray in its proper place and rushed to the bathroom. She chose one she knew would be empty at that point in the day, but the extra steps made her continually anxious. With each step more digested, more calories were absorbed, and more fat added to her body. It just sat in her stomach like a parasite ready to attack. She needed it out of her. All of it needed to be gone.

Almost forgetting to check the stalls for other people… almost, but not… Rachel followed her routine and released herself of her gluttony. Food was a benefit she did not deserve. Her body didn't need it. Her body didn't want it. Her food journal was going to have more writing in it that night than it had in a while. She knew her issues were getting worse, but she didn't care. Everything she did was necessary and there was absolutely nothing wrong with it.

Ok, so this is my first glee story. I apologize for any mistakes. If people like it, I'll write more. All input is welcome. So please review and remember constructive criticism and suggestions are appreciated.