A/N I had no idea when this started it would still be going now...or that half the things the monkeys have said would be said...I'm not sure if its getting too long, or if we passed that point quite a few chapters ago, or am I so far past the line of 'too much' that it's a distant speck...I'd love to know what people think? Suggestions or endings or comments all welcome? I'm starting to feel a little lost...

"She will be loved" by Maroon 5...

My mind is spinning as she pulls me into bed beside her...we are both naked. In any other circumstances I would be delighted, and it confuses me that my flesh seems to be completely immune to the fears that bombard my mind. Is this just too much too soon? I just don't feel like I am in control of my own body.

The way she has arranged us, my erection is poking her butt pretty clearly, there is no way she hasn't felt it...

She is quite clearly unbothered by it, as she curls into me, but what happens if she falls asleep? Should I dress myself? Or pull away from her?

I don't want her to think I don't want to be near her. I know how hard she is struggling to believe that she is not ruined by what he did to her...

How can she worry that his actions could affect how I see her?

'I drove for miles and miles and wound up

At your door'

As she lies here, and I can feel the warmth of her body against me, I want nothing more...but I also don't want to be the cause of a nightmare? Or for her to wake to think he is here, trying to hurt her...

How can she not be afraid of my body? How can she look at my penis, and not only see how it could be used as a weapon to hurt her? As I feel my body reacting to her, I can't separate it from his...from how he tried to hurt her...is my body not threatening the exact same thing?

I can feel her heart slowly changing its rhythm under my hand, as she finds sleep.

As her breathing changes, I know she is asleep.

I pull my elbow up under me so I can look at her. She looks so peaceful...her cheeks are still slightly flushed from the bath, her lips are parted a little and I can't help but compare how she looks now, to how she looked in the bath...was that really only yesterday morning? How could it be such a short time ago, it feels like I've lived a lifetime in those hours.

But as I look down at the naked woman lying beside me, it's the memory of her enjoying finding pleasure with me, that fills my mind. I can only begin to understand now, how much that must have meant to her, because I understand better, what she has been through.

As I look at the scars he left behind on her body, I don't see the disfigurement that she seems to see in them, I see a beautiful woman, who has suffered, in her scars I see her strength, and they do nothing to dim her beauty. Even the worst of them are hardly noticeable, especially when faced with the beauty of her body, her face and her spirit...

'Look for the girl with the broken smile

Ask her if she wants to stay awhile

And she will be loved, and she will be loved'

Again as I look at her, my body starts to react to her, and I can't help but remember how it felt to have her body in my arms as she climaxed. I know how much of a privilege it was to be part of that. I know how much I enjoyed it, not just my own pleasure but being with her, pleasuring her, but I can't help wondering if maybe she only went that far for me? Because I pushed her?

I struggle to separate what that monster did to her, from my memories of her touching herself, touching me...of our pleasure. I know it isn't the same...but it confuses me.

As our early morning bath continues to play in my head, I can't help but wonder what has caused her intense dislike of her body's arousal? What she told me last night, has explained a lot of things I had been unsure of...but this is still playing on my mind. I'm not sure I can ask her. Is it not too personal a question? Is this not pressing her for details she is not ready, or willing to give me? Could she still be hiding another monstrous act?

She told me she used to enjoy receiving oral sex, but now she can't consider it...is this related to what she told me last night? Thoughts like this have been continuously plaguing me ever since she told me...

Did my fingers touching her, bring back bad memories?

As I try to remember every movement I made, every touch, every reaction from her, my body refuses to listen to my demands for it to stop. I'm terrified that I may have done something that brought back his horrors...

'Tap on my window, knock on my door, I

Want to make you feel beautiful

I know I tend to get so insecure

It doesn't matter anymore'

Despite the internal struggle in my mind, my body is still demanding attention, and when I find my hand starting to reach for my hardness, I can't fight the disgust.

I try to get up as quietly, and unobtrusively as I can.

She barely stirs, as I extricate myself, and go to the bathroom to splash cold water on my face. I will my stomach to settle as I lean over the sink.

I thought that removing myself from her warm flesh would calm my body's call for attention, but it has barely made any difference.

I understand I have been pressed up against her, in one way or another, for too long now, to claim that I can't understand why my body is making these demands, but it still feels like a betrayal. I know she is a beautiful, sexy, woman...and I am immensely attracted to her...but how can I not control myself? How can I be hard, even when I'm worrying that I brought up memories of him, as I tried to show her pleasure? How can I look at her sleeping peacefully and only see parallels to how she looked as she surrendered to pleasure?

This memory does nothing to relieve the pressure, even though it is still as confused.

I'm usually very at ease with my physique, which is why the hatred I felt for my body after I heard what Patton did to Amanda, came as such a surprise.

I'm pretty happy with how I look, I'll even admit to a little vanity. I've never really understood the size concerns a lot of men seem to have about their penis. I've never felt any shame in taking pleasure in my own body, whether it is alone, or with a partner. I enjoy fantasizing, and pleasuring myself. I see it as a very healthy activity but now I almost hate myself as my hand slips down.

As my hand wraps around my length, it just feels wrong.

I wrap a towel around my hips and try to deny it. How can my flesh be so demanding when my brain can't consider such acts?

I sink into the chair in the room, dropping my head into my hands.

Her hand resting softly on my neck, is the first sign of her presence, I am aware of.

'I know where you hide alone in your car

Know all of the things that make you who you are'

As I raise my head, she is standing before me, still naked.

"Rafael, talk to me please...?"

I pull her down onto my lap, wrapping my arms around her. I can see her look at the towel I have wrapped around my waist.

"I'm sorry Liv," I whisper.

She lifts my chin softly, kissing my cheeks.

"What's bothering you Rafael? Why are you covering yourself up?"

I hate that amongst all her own pain, she has to deal with mine too. She starts to stroke my hair as she looks at me, and without thinking I rest my head on her chest. She cradles my head against her, stroking it tenderly.

"Rafael, I don't think it's possible to hear what you did yesterday, without any effects..."

I tip my head up and down a couple of times. She waits patiently for me...

"Liv..."

"Tell me Rafael, please?"

She lifts my head until our eyes meet. I can see how open she is, she wants to talk...

"Liv, when we were in the bath...when I touched you...I didn't know what he had done...I didn't want to remind you of him..."

"You didn't Rafael...honestly...I didn't think of him at all...I was shocked...I felt pleasure at my own hands...I can't begin to explain how much that means to me...and when you touched me, it felt amazing...I wanted you to touch me...if I'm honest I can't quite get the desire for you to touch me again, out of my mind...Even with everything else, I'm so scared you won't want me now because I really want you..."

As I look at her, I see her cheeks redden slightly, as she says this, I can see she means it.

"I didn't think I could feel like this again Rafael...I want to have sex with you...I'm scared...and I don't quite know how to go about it...but I've spent a fair bit of time thinking about it...I mean we can't really have sex in the bath, well maybe not comfortably, the first time at least..."

This conversation is doing nothing to relieve the pressure in my crotch.

"...and I think you may be right about a bed having too many bad associations in my head...I understand how you could be worried, you're a good man, but your touch has reminded me how it can feel...you have never reminded me of him, of what happened...and you can always talk to me about this..."

She looks me in the eye, "I can't imagine how confusing this must be, that I put horrible images in you head and then want you to sleep naked beside me...or take a bath with me...but I really enjoy to feel your body against me...I'm not quite ready to be more sexual yet...and I'm sorry if it's too much to ask, I should have asked out straight...but please don't hate your body for reacting...I'm very glad it does...and I hope you don't feel guilty about pleasuring yourself?..."

"I don't usually..."

"So what's different now Rafael?"

"I'm not just remembering holding you as you climaxed, how good it felt, how good your touch felt... images of him, of what he did, keep getting mixed up in it..."

"But that's not what you body is reacting to Rafael, especially not when you are lying in bed, with me pressed up against you..."

"But those thoughts should be enough to stop it dead, Liv...how can it not kill my arousal to think of you being hurt...maybe I am capable of some horror..."

"No Rafael, listen to me, NO...your body is reacting to reality, to my body, to memories of what we have done...don't ever doubt that...you need to hear me...you are not capable of that..."

I summon all my courage, "Liv, can I ask you something?"

She nods deeply, "Anything..."

"A couple of things have been bothering me, you can tell me its none of my business, but, you said you used to enjoy receiving oral sex but now you don't, and you're really bothered by your own arousal...I thought it would make sense when I knew what he did...but I'm not sure I do understand, and I'm so scared there's more...

"Oh Rafael, I'm so sorry...you should have asked me...please don't worry about things like this, I mean I can see why you would, but talk to me...I'm not sure really about the oral sex...there's no reason as such, he didn't...I suppose it was more about things he said, ...and my feelings...it feels so vulnerable, like I'd be on display...I just can't..."

I can see this is hard for her and I feel bad for asking her, but her answer has gone a long way to putting my mind at ease that there are no more horrors to disclose.

"I'm sorry Liv, I didn't want to make you uncomfortable..."

She shakes her head, "I need to be able to talk about these things, this feels ridiculous, I'm not shy...I think that maybe in time, I'll be able to change it, but now, it scares me even more than sex..."

I stroke her face, "It's ok, I guess I was just worried really...there's no rush, no pressure...I never thought about how vulnerable and 'on display' you could feel...that's a perfectly good reason on its own..."

"Are you sure you want to know about...the wetness...?"

Her words are almost a whisper as she reaches the end of the sentence. I'm terrified, I'm not sure if I can deal with anymore, but I need to know...I can only nod.

"He kept telling me that I wanted it, telling me I'd be ready for him...I was so scared he'd find me wet...it became such a big thing in my head...and then after the bathroom, when I waited on help...I cleaned up...my gun..."

I can see where she is going with this, I don't need her to say it, and as I look at her, I'm not sure she can, I don't think she's ready to say it yet...I quickly put my finger over her lips, as a tear slips from her left eye. I kiss it away lightly.

"It's ok Liv...I'm sorry...you don't have to say it...I'm so sorry baby..."

I can see how deeply this has affected her.

"You know it's not the same thing...when we're together..."

She nods but she can't meet my eyes.

"Liv, you understand, so much better than me, how your body can react even when you don't want it to...you were just telling me it's not my fault that my body is much more interested in you, than what my mind is trying to tell it...and when we're together I just want you to enjoy what we are doing, and I would never do anything unless your body was ready, it would hurt you...there is no need to feel ashamed or embarrassed..."

She slowly raises her eyes, "I know, and some of what you said yesterday...it really did go in...It means so much that you said all of that...I know it's stupid..."

"No Liv, it is not stupid...I can only imagine...but it's not disgusting...it's part of what allows us to enjoy each other...I'm just embarrassed at how much I still don't know, despite my position in SVU...I find it hard to understand how my penis doesn't scare you, but it never occurs to me why this would be a concern...I'm sure that he did everything he could think of, said everything he could...but you never wanted anything he did and nothing your body did or didn't do, changes that...he was a sick bastard, he just wanted to hurt you...and he had four days to do it...you were drugged and dehydrated and drunk...can you understand how strong you were? How strong you are?"

She just looks at me, still unsure. My mouth seems to be something else I have little control over as it asks something I would never have thought of saying out loud now...

"Did you really mean it Liv, that you've been thinking about sex?"

She nods slightly, shyly smiling.

"Even after last night...?" Again my mouth circumvents my brain, I can only hope she understands it is not a judgment, that I'm amazed at her resilience and her strength, and want to be able to look forward with her, to a time when I feel more in control...

"Maybe not tonight, but...yeah..." she smiles and gives me such a seductive look that my body immediately responds to it, and I know she can feel it. "Could we maybe start to talk about it a little, Rafael?"

I kiss her softly.

"You are so amazing, I can't believe how strong you are...Of course we can talk about it, but I think I need a little time...I don't want to be confused...I need these images out of my head before..."

'And she will be loved, and she will be loved'

She kisses me deeply, nodding. "So any ideas?".

I laugh, "I may have given it a little thought myself...so positions...I don't think I should be on top..."

"Funny, Rafael, I thought you'd always want to be on top..."

I try to scowl but can't stop the smile that breaks through it, "See the sacrifices I'm willing to make for you..." I kiss her again. "How would you feel about being on top?"

She smiles widely, "I used to quite enjoy that..."

I roll my eyes at her, "From everything I've read it seems to suggest face to face...so if you get tired we could try side by side, still face to face..."

"You think you can tire me out? That sounds like a challenge..." she whispers in my ear.

This woman is definitely going to be the death of me...

"I'm not sure about where, a suggestion I've read again and again, is your bed, where you feel safe, but I'm not sure...I think comfort and safety are a big concern, also familiarity, but I'm not sure how you feel about it?"

"I can't think of a better alternative...and maybe because it doesn't involve a lot of forward planning and extra effort there's no added pressure?"

"It doesn't matter what we decide on, there is no pressure, if it just doesn't feel right, we stop...if you're tired, if you had a nightmare two weeks before and it's not out of your head...Liv, I mean it, I don't care how long it takes, and we can stop at any time...do you hear me?...and we're not even considering it, until you are completely relaxed and ready...I couldn't live with myself if I felt like I pushed you..."

'And she will be loved, and she will be loved'

"Rafael you are not pushing me, you are so patient, so understanding..." she punctuates each word with a kiss, wrapping her arms around my neck.

"And please don't ever feel guilty about an erection, or pleasuring yourself, or a fantasy...none of it...I wish that things weren't so hard for us, I wish that we could be normal about these things, that none of these conversations were necessary, but I can't always do what I wish I could...I'm glad you can see me as a sexual person, I want you to see me like that, even when I can't...you don't have to hide any of it from me..."

I know she can feel my hardness pushing up under the towel as she says this. There is no discomfort though as she sits on my lap with her still naked body pressed against me.

"I can't believe I'm sitting here with you like this Rafael, I seem to have a confidence I never thought I'd have again, with you...I know you desire me...and yet I feel safe and comfortable...you have made so much of a difference, even if you don't think you have...not so long ago, I would never have believed this was possible...I've made an appointment to go to IAB and 1PP tomorrow to disclose our relationship...so hurry back to bed, I sleep better with you beside me."

As she speaks, she puts her hand on my chest, and places my hand over her heart.

'And she will be loved, and she will be loved

And she will be loved, and she will be loved'

For a few beats she says nothing, just sits still looking into my eyes.

'It's not always rainbows and butterflies

It's compromise that moves us along yeah

My heart is full, and my door's always open

You can come anytime you want yeah'

xCalliopexPlantainx; Thank you so much, school has to come first, I really appreciate that you find the time to read or review at all...Hope school is all going well.

Guest; Thank you so much

Ficfriend; Thank you so much, hope I didn't make you late to pick up the kids

Intala; I love that you challenge the monkeys! They're nuts so they need a god challenge...I can see why you felt it was all resolved too fast, I hope this changes that perception a little...I loved that Rafael was so caring and gentle with her but I felt Liv would be worried it was too much her being treated as a child which is why she kept comparing it to how she bathes Noah...I think she needs to know it's not like that, and it means a lot to her that she can be sensual with him without being sexual...I tried to make sure it was very clear they stayed away from any sort of sexual activity, or any particularly erogenous zones...I felt the signs of arousal were necessary despite then doing nothing to act of them, because I know how confusing it can be, to feel like you could never be sexual again, to not want to be sexual, but to feel you body reacting despite what your head is telling it...it's confusing...I also love the trust shown as they climb into bed...I love how they can talk...
The word impotent was very important...it is how he feels, and I loved that it has sexual connotations too...I feel that Rafael sees his arousal despite his wishes, as yet another sign of his impotence...he can't even control his body. But I blame everything on the monkeys so please join me in that!
Yeah they couldn't make a decision on Harris...eventually it just fell out unnoticed, what they wanted...they are mean mad monkeys though. I love that description..."Just a little flame blown out. Poof. Gone..." I love how much you care...Thank you

MrsChilton; Thank you, his tenderness kills me...she can't help being elated and terrified together...I was surprised that she was so comfortable in her own nakedness, I really did dither about her covering up, but the monkeys decided, NO! she feels comfortable with him and herself and won't allow herself to fall back...
Thats a big part of what I meant, we are so hard on ourselves...and won't allow ourselves the same leniency we allow others...when we hold ourselves to different standards I guess it's hard for society to do anything different.