It was hard to focus at first. Everything was black. Total darkness. Not a drop of light to help one's vision make sense of what was in front of them. Only the dark.
There was also pain. So much pain it would have blinded him had there been anything in front of him to see. Or perhaps that was why he couldn't see? The pain surrounded his head, his mind, his eyes. His entire body was engulfed in agony of the acutest kind. Words floated through his head, leaving behind echoes that sent tremors throughout his head. He was weak, he was pathetic. He would never live up to the dark reputation given to him by his grandfather. He was desperate, a child. Someone so easily deceived he was able to fall for the wiles of one woman. The only woman who had ever seduced him fully. He had let her climb into his soul so quickly, so readily. He had destroyed the hard work he had strived for years to complete. Had betrayed his master, the dark sith lord who had shown him the way when he was but a child.
He had risked everything. For what? For the unending pain that was now destined to flow through his body for an eternity. Death was too good for him, only agony was to be his reprieve from the images of Rey that floated through his head. He deserved nothing less than to associate her with the anguish that filled him, that swallowed him whole.
A noise filled the air, seeming to pierce the darkness and fill him, its exasperating hissing noise seemed to echo on into eternity, leaving only the feeling of self doubt, hollowness and depression in its wake. It slayed him. He doubled over and wailed out, finally releasing the agony of his mind and body out through the only noise he had left after the hissing stopped.
He heard more noises rise from the darkness, moving swiftly towards him until he could make them out. They wrapped around his prone form, whispering to him, hissing at him until it was all he could here.
Kill her, kill the scavenger. Avenge your dignity. Rise to greatness. Kill the scavenger. She stands in your way. She tricked you. Betrayed you. Laughs at you. Seduced you to escape. Made a fool of you. Must die. Kill her. KILL HER.
Kylo Ren sat up, the thin sheet around his hips damp with sweat.
He looked around the dark room, almost for the first time at unease with the lack of light in his quarters. With a flick of his wrist, a lamp over in the corner turned on, a mute light filling the room, although it did little to cleanse the dark littering his mind after his dream.
Although, after several sessions with Rey, Kylo Ren was finally beginning to remember the damage that had been inflicted upon him by the Supreme Leader. All those months he couldn't remember, finally resurfacing with the help of the scavenger he had nearly destroyed time and time again.
If only he had been stronger, perhaps he could have fought off the invasion of the Supreme Leader.
If only he had escaped with Rey that day when he had stolen a Tie Fighter for her. How different would they have turned out?
Not that it mattered, they were both fated to be on opposite sides of a war, whether it be between the galaxy or the Force, it couldn't work out between them. Could it? He clenched the sheet at his side before tossing it off of him. After getting ready for the day, Kylo Ren changed into black breeches, black boots, a white shirt and a black jacket, leaving his robe and lightsaber behind as he left his ship in search of the ones he was learning to hate less and less.
It had been a few short weeks since his stand off with Rey and his uncle, however, it could not have come at a more pivotal point.
He was conflicted within himself and had been for a long time. Had his feelings in the dark side and with the Supreme Leader been absolute, he would have been unwavering when he came across Rey, connection or not. He wouldn't have set her free or had sex with her, thus creating their child which grew in her daily. He wouldn't have hesitated to kill his Uncle. He wouldn't be haunted almost daily by the reminder that he snuffed out the man who helped give him life, who loved him in spite of what they had both become. He wouldn't feel the turmoil that was beginning to spread across his chest the longer he was out of the Supreme Leader's reach.
It was that fact that made him believe what his uncle and Rey had been saying all along. He, Kylo Ren had been a pawn used by the Supreme Leader. He had been manipulated and controlled to the point he had forsaken his entire family, his vows to become a Jedi and turned to the darkness. Now, out of the shadow of Snoke, Kylo Ren was beginning to recall every horrendous act he had committed with such clarity, it left him sick to his stomach.
There was no mistake that the draw the dark was still within him, tugging at him daily, leaving its own trail of seduction behind. He could just reach for it if he wanted, he could close off all of the emotions that threatened to overwhelm him and be what he once was.
Unfortunately for him, the draw to the light was becoming more strong, as it had always been. Without the overshadowing of darkness, he felt as if his true nature was finally beginning to reach the surface of his mind, to invite him in to its warm embrace.
It was potent; haunting. How was he, Kylo Ren, ever going to be worthy of such light?
Did he even want that for himself?
Walking from his ship, he came across a less wary Chewbacca, who always seemed to be standing guard of the others, never taking his eyes off of Kylo Ren. Today, however, there was no one else around them for Chewbacca to protect, yet the Wookiee stood poised, as if ready for battle.
Kylo Ren stopped in his tracks, taken off guard by a memory that seemed to assault him from out of nowhere.
He saw Han Solo holding a few tools while inspecting the Falcon, grease and oil all over his shirt and face. Chewbacca stood poised next to him in the same manner had just witnessed, only he seemed softer. An instant later, a boy no more than ten years old leapt off the top of the Falcon and right onto Chewbacca's back, shouting with glee as the Wookiee shot off like a rocket and carried the boy all around the yard by the Falcon before reaching behind and tossing him into the air, only to catch him a second later. This continued for several minutes, with Han Solo taking a break from his work to watch his friend and his son playing together.
Just then Princess Leia stepped out of a little cottage, her hair free and hanging down her waist. She smiled at the antics taking place before her very eyes before calling them all in for dinner.
Just like that the image faded, leaving Kylo Ren more bereft than ever before. He felt tears sting his eyes and pain grip him like a vise.
How had he not remembered? How could he not hold on to something so precious as that memory?
He didn't think much as he stepped forward and tossed himself at the Wookiee, his arms going around Chewbacca's waist. He was stiff in Kylo Ren's arms, but the young man wept openly and bitterly into his furry chest, uncaring that he could be squeezed to death in a matter of seconds.
"I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry for everything." He murmured, over and over again.
Finally, after Kylo Ren begin to let go, feeling foolish and stupid, the Wookiee pulled him into his embrace, his hands ruffling Kylo Ren's hair as he whispered down at him.
It was at that moment, Kylo Ren began to take a step back, allowing for someone else to reemerge that no one had seen in a very long time.