A/N Scotland598; Your words have meant so incredibly much to me, the 12 things mean a lot to me, I'm delighted that they spoke to you too...I'm really glad that you feel I've been true to their characters. I've been struggling to find a way to continue this story and the gentle, but timely reminder of my own touchstone has helped me and the story...Thank you.
Feilon; It meant so much to see your simple message...it was encouraging and supportive and very much needed. Thank you.
Shootthephoto; Thank you so much for taking the time to review, and for each chapter..."I just hope the mad monkeys don't allow her to slide back down into the darkness..." well that's going to stay with me for a long time, I guess there is a certain element of choice in it...that doesn't make it easy, but maybe it gives a tiny bit of control back where it feels like there is none? I guess some stumbles knock you back further than it feels like you can crawl back from, and the hits have a cumulative effect that eventually does more damage than you expected.
Ficfriend; I really found it hard to write healing and progress, sometimes it may seem like it's obvious that it's what should come next, but it just doesn't match up to how you feel. I don't really know if there is more story to be told, or if I can tell it...a line from Calvin's mom a million years ago kindda sticks with me, "Not everyone can be helped, Olivia, some of us are too damaged..."
MrsChilton; I guess maybe we all need that reminder sometimes, when it feels we aren't worthy of the help someone is offering...why can we not judge ourselves with the same empathy and understanding we judge others with it? Thank you as always...
Citygirl7768; I guess the easy answer is, that it's not always as easy to separate personal from the story, and I've had a bit of a rough time personally the last few weeks, I was having a hard time writing healing when I couldn't even imagine it. I suppose sometime the stumbles aren't minor and the thoughts are a little confused...and maybe sometimes breaking gets in the way of healing...If you're really lucky maybe the healing is even helped along by the hurt...Glad I'm not the only one who loves Liv and Rafael...Thanks.
Intala; I guess she can't see how she helped him, only that she is always taking his help...Thank you as always...
"One Day Like This" by Elbow
Numbers 10 and 11 from "12 Things No One Told Me About Sex After Rape" by CJ Hale
It's only now as I head home, that I start to realize the weekend awaits me.
I let out a long sigh.
The last week feels like it has been so much longer...I won't allow my mind to dredge up all that the last seven days has held for me. It is too easy to allow its troubles to swallow me whole, again.
In an effort to stave off the beckoning darkness, during an earlier, short, break from the craziness of SVU, I took a few minutes to dig out my crumpled printed copy of 12 things..., carefully rereading them from my current perspective.
In our first encounter, they promised me hope, a way to see a distant light, and I need to find a similar reassurance in their simple wisdom once again.
Then, I had so far to go, that anything beyond number 9 was almost disregarded, but as I read them now, it is numbers 10 and 11 that speak to me.
10. Nobody tells you that it doesn't work that way every time. PTSD isn't cured by one blissful experience, and anxiety is a bitch. Sometimes you will burrow down deep in your comforter and wish you could just be NORMAL and have NORMAL sex like a NORMAL person. And it is frustrating. But you will remember that one bad experience does not negate your ability to have future good experiences. And you will drink your tea and feel better.
11. Nobody tells you that people are capable of loving you after you've been raped, and that you are capable of loving back. You are allowed to give yourself to someone completely. Likewise, you are allowed to hold back. You are allowed to be fearful but you are also allowed to trust again. Your healing process is your own and regardless of how you get there, know that as long as you are taking care of yourself, nobody has any right to tell you differently.
I can't help wondering if this too, is progress?
The words fill me with faith, with hope, with a serenity that has been missing for so long.
Pulling into a parking space outside my home, I suck in a deep breath.
All the struggles, the stumbles, of the last few days have taught me a lot. Rafael loves me...even thinking it, terrifies me, but it also comforts me. He knows, pretty much the all of it, all my secrets, all my crushing shame...and not only has he not run, but we've gotten so much closer... Even as it has felt like I'm slipping back into the darkness, he has been there for me, holding a hand out to steady me, at every turn. It's almost as if I needed this week and all it's pain, to see how my upset mattered so much to him, to drop the final barriers we had been trying to keep up to protect ourselves.
I walk up the stairs slowly, conscious that as a Lieutenant, I will do even more paperwork and a lot less running around after perps, and I still have a toddler to keep up with. I allow myself to smile. I need to get my exercise where I can.
I speed up, taking the stairs faster; I can't wait to get in the door, to lay down the files that fill my arms, to call Rafael. I look forward to feeling his arms wrap around me. There is almost no fear of rejection. I know that as soon as he finishes work he will be happy to see me too.
Noah should be in bed, so I unlock the door and enter quietly, careful not to wake him.
As I step inside the apartment, it's darker than it usually would be. My brow furrows slightly, searching out Lucy, as Rafael appears instead.
"Liv..." he mutters as he pulls me into a warm hug, "I hope it's ok, but I convinced Lucy to let me in?"
I can only nod, as I unreservedly, curl into him, resting my head on his shoulder, nuzzling his neck softly, while I hold him, every bit as tightly as he holds me.
"I wanted to take you out, on a proper date, to treat you as you deserve to be treated...but I thought that after the last week, and with Noah, and your promotion, this might be better?" he whispers to me.
It's only now as I look around the apartment, I see it's completely lit in candlelight. There is soft music playing, and as I step back to look at Rafael, he is dressed as if he was going out, wearing a pair of grey pants and a perfectly cut, black shirt that lies open at the neck. My hand automatically reaches to stroke the exposed skin at the base of his neck.
"You look fantastic Rafael," I mutter, as I take in the relaxed, sexy, man that stands before me.
I look down at the 'functional' black pants, the 'appropriate' cream shirt, and the 'sensible' shoes I'm wearing, wishing desperately that I looked more like I belong with the suave man standing before me.
I chew on my bottom lip, feeling very self-conscious and under-dressed.
"We can eat whenever we want, if you want to wash up first?"
My hand strokes his cheek as I smile and nod, as always, touched by his thoughtfulness.
He kisses me again.
"Noah helped me make dinner before I put him down..."
I can't help chuckling, "I can only imagine..." I say as I peek around, looking for evidence of the mess that inevitably accompanies his 'efforts' at helping. Instead I see the table beautifully set for two, with a long stemmed rose, candles, and a crisp white tablecloth.
"Wow. Rafael this is...perfect."
He smiles broadly, kissing my forehead lightly. "Go check on Noah, and have a shower if you want...take your time, relax..." he tells me as he wanders back into the kitchen.
My son is fast asleep, safe in his dinosaur wrapped bed, curled into a twisted ball on his side, and judging from the book on his bedside table, Rafael read him a story. This little detail means even more to me than all his other efforts, he has, as always, included my son...
I smile contentedly, as I head towards the shower, quickly twisting my hair up, so it doesn't get wet.
The hot spray pounds against my skin, deliciously loosening the taut muscles of my neck and shoulders. And I allow myself to imagine the despair that felt so inescapable, such a short time ago, whirling down the drain with the water and body wash running off my body.
Only a few minutes later, I'm standing in front of my closet, wrapped in a towel, pulling out a little black dress I never thought I'd wear again. I lay it on the bed, smiling softly, as I search out my sexiest underwear.
It doesn't escape my notice that I feel like I'm dressing for a date, I feel like a sexy woman... I plug in my straighteners, and stand before the mirror, allowing the towel to fall away. My body has not changed, the flesh is still the same, but as my skin cools, the differences are undeniable. My hand unashamedly runs across my breast, barely seeing the marked skin, altogether too distracted by its sensitivity.
If one blissful experience can't fix everything, neither can a stumble ruin it all.
Maybe I've spent too much energy allowing the fear to control me?
I know the fear is inescapable, I've seen too much to have any innocence left to the horrors that are possible, but maybe I need to harness it better. It can protect me, it is a tool, I can use it, but maybe it's also holding me back?
My fingers unconsciously find their way to the only jewellery I wear, the necklace that Rafael chose for me, my tree of life. There is so much that is beyond my control...I won't allow this to be one of those things. I can choose to be happy.
Not long later, my hair is straight and smooth, I'm dressed, and pulling on some red, kitten heeled, shoes. I fix my makeup a little, but keep it very light, more like my everyday look, with a touch of a smoky eye.
I take a deep breath, and look in the mirror.
Now I look more like a match for the man outside.
Maybe I'm even beginning to feel like one too?
He seems very at home in the kitchen, as I slide my arms around his waist, and he squeezes my arms, leaning back into me.
"I hope you're not too tired for this Liv?" he asks as he turns to me.
"Wow...Liv you are stunning..." he says stepping back further to look at me.
"Wow" he mutters again, almost without noticing the word has escaped his lips. He puts a hand on my lower back and guides me out to the table.
A bottle of champagne is chilling in an ice bucket, a bottle of my favorite red wine is open on the table, and a bouquet of about a dozen red roses is laid on my chair.
"This is so beautiful Rafael...thank you..."
"It has taken me far too long to do this Liv..."
I silence him with a kiss, softly stroking his cheek, "No Rafael, this is perfect, and now it means something..."
He takes the roses from me, putting them into a vase of water beside the couch, and pulls out my chair for me. Despite his perfect, gentlemanly, behavior, I can't help a sneaky look at how good his butt looks in those grey pants, as he pours a glass of champagne, kissing me lightly as he hands it to me.
Sliding into the chair opposite me, with his own glass of champagne, he places a tray of assorted olives, sun-dried tomatoes, meats and cheeses between us.
I reach for his hand as I raise my champagne in toast to him. He immediately takes my hand, our glasses clinking softly.
"To us..." I whisper.
He beams back at me, "To us, Liv..."
After some of the delicious foods we so enjoyed on our picnic, he disappears into the kitchen, returning not too long later, with two huge plates that smell absolutely delicious.
"I'm sorry Liv, I've never spent a lot of time cooking, and I didn't want to try anything too fancy, that I might screw up...this, I knew would be good, it's not very fancy...but my abuela always taught me that it's the love that goes into Ropa Viejo that makes it special...and I've been making it with her since I was about Noah's age..."
I try to swallow the lump that appears in my throat, "You made this? For me?"
He nods, "Me and Noah...I didn't make it too spicy because I knew he'd want to eat it too,...but it seemed to get his seal of approval..."
I try not to cry as I picture my son and this man cooking...
"When did you have the time?" I ask, still fighting back the tears.
"I didn't have court or any meetings I couldn't push off to someone else this afternoon..."
I can barely believe the words I'm hearing. I have no idea what to say so I reach for his hand again, and he pours us a glass of red wine. The food is unbelievable, nothing like the Ropa Viejo I have tasted before, maybe it is the love that's in this dish, but it is sublime.
We are so comfortable and having such a good time, that by the time we have finished eating, we have kicked off our shoes and pulled our chairs closer to each other.
As he carries out dessert, regaling me with stories of how impatient Noah got when he heard he had to wait for it to cook and set, I can hardly believe my baby boy had any part in making the delicate flans.
I can all too easily imagine him wearing it though, as Rafael describes how he attacked it when he was finally permitted to try it.
I can only make it about half way through dessert, and Rafael teases me that Noah had no problem polishing his off. It feels like all we are doing is smiling and laughing...
While he finishes my flan, I wander over to the stereo, changing the playlist and raising the volume so it is more than a background noise.
"Dance with me Rafael?"
He takes the hand I have held out to him, pulling me to him. As I rest one arm around his waist, he holds my hand tightly to his chest, his other arm mirroring mine as we move to the music.
"So...you can cook, you can dance...this has to be the perfect date..."
"Hmmmmmm, you know I think it might just be..." he whispers back, brushing his lips lightly against mine.
Pulling our hands from between us, I deepen our kiss, moving my body against him, allowing my hands to slide up his back.
When our need for oxygen forces us to pull our lips apart, I start to kiss down his neck, taking full advantage of the fact his shirt is not tucked into his pants, as it usually would be, to run my hands up his sides.
His hands are resting on my hips, as he finds my lips again, but they quickly start to move down to gently cup my butt.
None of the caution, I was terrified would define our physical relationship, after the week's revelations is in evidence, as he softly grinds his hips into mine.
The music that never stopped swells into an arrangement of strings and soft drums. The stringed instruments that can so often sound mournful, now can't seem to contain the unadulterated joy, and hope, of a song that we have discovered is a firm favorite of both of us.
'Drinking in the morning sun
Blinking in the morning sun
Shaking off a heavy one
Heavy like a loaded gun'
Our cheeks rest against each other, as we move slowly, completely in synch, to the familiar chords, hearing the words, as if for the first time, realizing only as it plays, how apropos its choice is.
'What made me behave that way?
Using words I never say
I can only think it must be love
Oh, anyway, it's looking like a beautiful day'
Again he starts to softly sing to me...his voice somehow still surprising me.
'Someone tell me how I feel
It's silly wrong but vivid right
Oh, kiss me like the final meal
Yeah, kiss me like we die tonight'
He looks me straight in the eyes as he echoes the lyrics, making it feel like they were written just for me.
'Cos holy cow, I love your eyes
And only now I see the light
Yeah, lying with you half awake
Oh, anyway, it's looking like a beautiful day'
Our dance no longer has anything to do with our stilled feet, as his hands move down my sides and his fingers trace a trail of heat down the fabric of my dress. My arms wrap lightly around his neck, pulling his lips to me. There is no rush as we allow our tongues to caress.
'When my face is chamois-creased
If you think I wink, I did
Laugh politely at repeats
Yeah, kiss me when my lips are thin'
His lips start to move down my neck, kissing, licking, down to the cleavage displayed to its best, by the little black dress.
He still seeks my permission at every tiny escalation, but it feels a lot less tentative now, like maybe all the talking, all the honesty, has really given him understanding. It doesn't feel like he is waiting for me to burst into tears or explode anymore, he knows it could happen, it probably will happen again, more than once,...but he seems to understand I'm not really made of some fragile, delicate, china. He wants to be sure I'm present, I'm consenting, but that fear, that reserve, is gone, and for the first time I believe he is beginning to really let go.
'Cos holy cow, I love your eyes
And only now I see the light
Yeah, lying with you half awake
Stumbling over what to say
Well, anyway, it's looking like a beautiful day
So throw those curtains wide!
One day like this a year would see me right'
I pull his head up from my cleavage, claiming his lips and tongue again, as I start to unbutton his shirt. When the last button pushes through, and his shirt falls open, my hands push from his waist, up his chest, guiding the shirt down his arms. I watch it land on the floor and see he is looking at me, trying to figure out how best to remove my dress, and I make a snap decision.
'So throw those curtains wide!
One day like this a year would see me right for life'
He seems slightly surprised as I take his hand, blowing out candles as I go, leading him to my bedroom.
Our shoes lie long forgotten under the table, his shirt lies on the floor outside, and as I turn my back to him silently presenting him with the zip to my dress, he doesn't hesitate, gently tugging it down my back, his tongue trailing down my spine behind it. It has no arms and easily falls away, and I step out of it completely unselfconsciously.
Again he doesn't seem to notice his exclamation is out loud as he mutters, "WOW..."
"Liv...I didn't think it could get any better than that dress, but...wow..."
I enjoy watching his reaction, as his eyes greedily take me in, how he unthinkingly licks his lips as he gazes at me.
He runs his index finger along the delicate, edge of the bra cups, slowly slipping it down to circle the nipple through the fabric of the pretty underwear. When his tongue takes over for his finger, I have to concentrate to undo his belt. I don't bother to pull it out through his pants, impatiently cupping the large bulge through the fabric. He moans softly as his hips involuntarily push into my hand. My other hand strokes his chest as I try to remind myself that I want him in just his underwear. I tear my hand away, undoing his pants hurriedly, and shoving them down his legs. He obligingly steps out of them and I gently push him back onto the bed. He easily pulls himself up the bed, once again checking, I'm not having second thoughts, as he gestures me to him. I crawl up the length of the bed trying not to laugh as I worry about how to make crawling up a bed look sexy.
I hear him take a deep breath as he pulls me on top of him. Once again I'm reminded of how gentle he has been with me, when he has no trouble positioning us, as he wants. His leg is pushed in between mine; using it to gently rub between my legs with soft, slow movements, as his hands caress my breasts.
Green eyes flick to me as his hands reach for the clasp on my back, silently asking for permission before undoing it and pulling my bra off.
I try to reach his chest with my mouth, as my hand reaches for his hardness but he grasps one of my nipples in his mouth, teasing it with barely there licks before lightly scraping his teeth across it.
I move off him, and immediately he stops, checking that I'm ok, "Liv?"
I nod softly, continuing to let my hands explore his skin.
"Are you sure about the bed?" he whispers.
I nod again "I want to make out with my boyfriend, in comfort..." A huge smile greets my words. "I just didn't really like lying over you..."
His hand unthinkingly starts to stroke where it lays on my stomach as he thinks for a moment, before sitting up and pushing pillows behind him. He holds his hand out to me, as he pulls me to straddle his lap.
My two hands go to his chest, as we sit face to face, and when I roll my hips against him, I can feel his fabric-covered erection grind against me.
This position feels much better, and I start to kiss across his collarbone, my hands familiarizing themselves with as much of his skin as I can.
"Mmmmm I'm really enjoying this date...I think you'll probably get a second..." I tease him softly, whispering right in his ear as I press my chest up against his bare torso.
"Good, I'd like a lot more..." he mutters after trying to scowl at me, but finding himself unable to completely hide his smile.
I shift back down his legs pulling at the waistband of his underwear, and he lifts up slightly, to allow me to pull them down. I shuffle off him for a second, as he kicks them away, quickly pulling me back to him.
I reach for him immediately, wrapping my hand around his length, my fingers exploring to see where he is most sensitive. His hands continue to caress and stroke me as I investigate, and he licks my neck, "Raf..." I moan, as his lips and tongue work on the sensitive flesh of my pulse point, "Are you really not shy?"
He cups both of my breasts in his hands as he looks up to me, shaking his head questioningly.
"Would you maybe...I'd like to see how you enjoy to be touched, where is most sensitive...?"
As his fingers graze my nipples again, I fall silent temporarily.
He looks at me questioningly again.
"I want to know what you enjoy..." I whisper as I sit back a little.
He nods, as his hand reaches up to stroke my cheek lightly. My hands stroke his legs where I straddle him, as he takes his penis in his hand. I watch how he moves, where he pays particular attention to, how fast he moves, as my hands continue to stroke any skin I can reach.
While his hand is wrapped around the tip, I reach for him, touching his testicles as I have just seen him do. When my hand wraps around his length again, he withdraws his own, laying it on my hip, as I start to try and replicate his movements.
I lean forward and before he can question me, I flick the sensitive tip of his penis with my tongue. He groans softly, "Liv, you don't have to...", he starts to say, but as my tongue repeats the motion his words falter.
I look up at him, "I want to...I want to pleasure you, to get to know your body...this is something I used to enjoy..."
I can see a slight doubt in his face as I hold him, and lick up the underside of his erection. There is a slight tension in me, as I wrap my mouth around his tip, but none of the memories, none of the pictures I was afraid would flood my mind, are there. There are just no similarities between this and that,...I want to feel him, to touch him with my lips, my tongue, and I can feel my body continue to respond to him.
He starts to run his hands through my hair as I continue to allow my tongue to roam his length, but he seems to think better of it, afraid that the action might be too triggering.
The sensations are familiar and very pleasant, but a tiny voice inside me cautions me not to push too hard, so I use my mouth and hand together to stimulate his whole length. When my eyes flick to his, he is clearly enjoying my touch, and the image before him.
"Liv...", his words are strangled and I can see how close he is, so I move my hand faster, stroking his chest, as I sit up and flick, first one nipple, then the other with my tongue.
"I want you to feel pleasure, I want to be able to share these feelings with you, don't hold back Rafael..." I whisper.
As I see him orgasm, I feel so...in the moment...so in control...there is no past, no horrors, I just want him, I want to continue this exploration, my body is so turned on...
There is no thought as my hand moves down to between my own legs, when I feel his hips moving gently, and his erection pulsing in my other hand. My body is demanding attention, and I'm not embarrassed to act on my desire.
Immediately after his climax he is too sensitive, and he gently stills my hand on him, his eyes glued to the hand that moves against my panties. He reaches for tissues and cleans us up quickly.
"Liv, can I touch you?", he whispers, his breath still gasped.
I just nod as his hand joins mine, and I lift up slightly, on my knees, as he slides one finger along me.
"Can I?" he asks as his fingers hook into the waistband of my underwear. Again a small nod is his answer, and I withdraw my leg from over him so he can pull my panties down, lifting my knees one at a time, until my underwear has been thrown to one side.
"Lie down Liv..." he asks quietly.
I eagerly lay down beside him as he moves to lie alongside me, pulling a pillow under our heads. We lie face to face, on our sides as his finger slides along me once more, this time unhindered by my panties, and instead of feeling conscious of my wetness, all I can concentrate on, is how good his touch feels.
He pulls me to him, kissing me deeply as he gently pushes a knee between mine, spreading my legs a little, allowing him more access to me. His fingers slowly tease me...
"Rafael..." I breathe softly, as his finger grazes my clitoris gently, and he sucks a nipple into his mouth and his other hand strokes my side from under my arm, all the way down to my thigh.
His mouth moves further down my body, as his fingers continue to stroke me so gently. The kisses that trail all the way down my torso stop just above where his hand is working.
"Liv, I don't want to pressure you, I just want you to know how much I want to feel you, to touch you, to lick you..."
I was so totally consumed by the pleasure of his touch that I had barely even registered how close to his hand, his mouth has gotten, and when I do look at him kissing my pubic mound, feel his tongue so close to where his finger is circling my clitoris, I'm not sure if I want to stop him.
He seems to sense I'm undecided, so he continues to kiss and lick, moving down to my inner thighs, careful to watch for any reaction that might mean his attentions were unwanted, but they are so welcome, as I slowly roll over onto my back.
He continues to stroke me and play with my clitoris, and when I look down, I see he is lying between my legs, his mouth kissing and licking my inner thighs...I don't feel vulnerable or 'on display'...I don't care how wet I am...this feels amazing...
I know he won't ask for permission, I told him I didn't want him to do that, and he would never do something without permission, so if I want to feel that incredible tongue where I'm imagining it, I will have to ask him.
"Raf..." my voice is so hoarse, so I clear my throat softly, "Rafael, I want to feel that incredibly talented tongue...on my clitoris..."
He smiles up from his position further down the bed, "Are you sure? I don't want to pressure you, I just need you to know it's something I want to do..."
There is no hesitation as I nod, "I'm sure, Rafael...you're driving me crazy...I want to feel your tongue..."
He eagerly moves his mouth back up to my mound, slowly kissing, licking down to where his finger had been teasing my clitoris. He breathes warmly onto me, as his tongue licks up over the bundle of nerves. He moans and the sensation is incredible, as his tongue moves and my knees automatically bend and my legs spread as wide as possible.
He knows how nervous I was of this sex act, so he moves a finger closer to my vagina, stroking the outer lips, giving me time to object to his intended action if I want to, but instead my hips rock slightly, making my desire clear.
He has seen me touch myself and he has clearly taken note of what I enjoy as his mouth sucks on my clitoris and his finger slowly slips inside me.
It just feels incredible.
It feels like my body is about to burst open as his tongue and finger continue to work. I'm sweating and the heat is still growing inside me. It feels like every muscle in my body is tensing, and still the pleasure grows. He seems to feel how close to a climax I am and he quickly flicks his tongue over my clitoris until all the building pressure is released, in a flood of intense pleasure.
He continues to move, prolonging my orgasm for an eternity, until I can take no more and I pull my hips back. He is very conscious of my subtle signals so I don't need to say anything he immediately stills his movements.
He moves to gently lay his head beside my shoulder as I try to stop panting.
"Oh my god Rafael..."
He smirks at me, as I lay my forehead against his, turning to wrap an arm around him. He once again mirrors my actions pulling my body to him.
"You're incredible Liv..."
"I'm sorry it has taken so long, so much heartache to get to this point Rafael."
"Don't ever apologize to me for that, Liv, never..."
I silence him quickly with a gentle kiss.
"Tonight has been amazing," I whisper, "Not just this, but dinner...the fact that you made so much effort for me, that you included Noah..."
I'm trying to control my emotions as I stroke his cheek.
"What I'm trying to say...is I feel the same...I don't know that I can say the words, but I do. I went into 1PP and IAB today and told them I needed to disclose a relationship, that Rafael Barba was my boyfriend, and I liked the way it sounded. I was nervous going, so I read over the 12 things again...I guess I just couldn't see how you could want me, why you would be willing to put up with all of this...but you are always here for me...you are helping to fix me...and I want to be happy...with you, I'm happy..."
'So throw those curtains wide!
One day like this a year would see me right for life'
A/N At a certain point in this story, because of a few gentle questions, I admitted I have my own history of sexual assault. It was a reluctant admission, but so many people have been so kind to me. I feel a bit of a fraud, because so many of you use words like brave and strong, but I tried to hide my personal history. I guess I'm trying, like Liv, to do things differently now. So honest explanation for the wait...
I've tried really hard to separate my story from that of Liv and Amanda's. I've always used personal experiences, in the context of their stories, but I've always tried to slip on their skins, to stick to their stories...but a lot of what I've written in recent chapters, especially, has been too confused, I'm struggling, struggling to keep my story separate, to shed some of my own skin to slip on the skin of Liv. I thought I could work through my struggles in the story, but then from chapter 38 it became too much about me, about what I was trying to deal with...and people can now see that Liv is starting to slip back into the darkness, that Liv and Rafael can't move on, can't make any progress. That's not the characters, that's me, we're at odds. They're open despite everything, I'm closed off and fighting to trust anyone again...I feel so unbelievably damaged and weak. Liv is exorcising her demons and opening up to Rafael, who is there for her, I'm facing the guy I worked with, who hurt me, and trying to work with him again. He's trying to intimidate me, and it's bringing the subject up again, not just for me, but for my colleagues too, and I'm shutting down. The broad strokes of what happened to me were never secret, an internal investigation ensured it was common knowledge, and I'm finding that people telling me "I'm better than that" when I admit to being afraid of him is killing me. The confusion that maybe he isn't really a monster, that he maybe wouldn't hurt me again, is slipping too far back in the story to be able to make it work...I don't have a Rafael, I'm not sure I would even know what to do with one, if I did. I don't think I can write a story of healing when I'm attempting to balance trying to not to be afraid of the guy who hurt me, against allowing him to hurt me again by not listening to the internal voice screaming at me to protect myself...as Amanda said,
"I'm so scared that I'd allow my fear to change my actions...that I'd go crazy over something innocent, or that I'd be so afraid of overreacting, worrying that I'm so damaged, that I unfairly see only the worst in everyone, that I would put myself in real danger to prove I'm fine...How do I balance the worry that I'm wrong, against letting something horrific happen to prove I was right?"
"At what point does stubbornness, refusing to be forced to change things for your own safety and peace of mind, become permitting someone to destroy you?"
I'm trying really hard to tell this story, I love the characters, I don't want to write them as weaker and less than they are, but I'm pretty lost...thank you for all your time, your words, your kindness...it all means so much to me, but I need some help, I need suggestions, I need ideas, I don't know what comes next? Please?