Chapter 4: Death of a Loved One(s)
Another two school weeks passed since Shelby's first week at McKinley, and after a long week, it was finally the weekend. Shelby was sprawled out in her office, different class' papers all about the room. She was finally catching up on her grading. After getting Beth settled for her afternoon nap, she had about two hours to get through as many papers as she could before it was mommy time. She made it through her entire freshman and sophomore classes before hitting the junior pile. One by one she went through each person's meaning of life. Most of them were more literal and bland, sterile even, but a few of them were more enlightening. Noah's was surprisingly insightful, unknown to her, it was because of Rachel. He spoke all about the meaning of life is to give life, to give new generations pieces of their past and to continue traditions that have been passed down through families. It was very well done. Then she came across Rachel's paper. It was one of the last ones she graded. It was interesting, definitely not something she thought of Rachel writing.
"People are born, they live, and then they die. The meaning of life lies somewhere within those times. Most people struggle to find who they are; what they want out of life, but it's a journey everyone takes. For me, as I suppose it is for many sixteen year old girls, it's about finding my own normal. It's about finding my own place in the world where I feel safe and comfortable. Happy would be nice too. Maybe normal is an irrelevant term. People, more specifically impressionable young girls, just want to fit in. They want to be themselves while still having a safe place to go and fall back on. The meaning of life is finding the meaning of you; your own normal, your own dreams, your own passions. And once you do that, you just keep going." Shelby read the closing passage of Rachel's essay aloud.
She was more than impressed. She half expected Rachel's paper to be about Broadway dreams and becoming a star. Instead, she read, what she believed to be, an enlightened view of the world. She just got her first bit of real knowledge of what makes Rachel, Rachel. She enjoyed having this knowledge. She liked seeing Rachel in a new light. Every mother should experience that with her child. And whether it was an intentional revelation on Rachel's part, or some flaw she was reading way too much into, Shelby was happy to see a side of Rachel she was sure most people didn't see. Before she knew it, Shelby was pulled out of her Rachel trance by the sounds of Beth's cries through the baby monitor. And after putting the papers onto the desk, she went to go be the mother her daughter deserved.
Across town in the shopping district of Lima, Ohio, also known as the mall and only source of decent shopping according to Kurt, Rachel and Kurt were on their own kind of excursion. Over the course of three weeks, Rachel lost about seven pounds. While that doesn't seem like a large number, on a frame as small as Rachel's, it made a big difference. She was eating less, puking more, exercising an unimaginable number of hours a day; she even joined another dance class. People didn't seem to notice the weight loss as Rachel kept dressing in baggy hoodies and slightly looser fitting jeans, but none of her pants would fit anymore. Although she didn't tell Kurt why she needed to go shopping, she finally gave into his request to update her new and improved style.
Together, they made their way around the mall, Kurt stopping at every boutique and small shop pointing out different outfits and clothes that would look good on Rachel. But with each one, all Rachel could think was, "I don't want people to see." What she saw when she looked at herself in the mirror was strictly private. It was for her and the mirror alone. She didn't want them to see her protruding hip bone or the outline of her ribs through her chest. She didn't want others to see the things that she loved to feel. They wouldn't understand that feeling of accomplishment when she ran her hand over her side and could feel her bones under a thin layer of skin. That was a feeling only she could understand, and she wasn't willing to let the outside world taint the happiness it gave her.
After countless stops for window shopping, Rachel had to make her move. All Rachel wanted was some new clothes, so she dragged him into the next store they passed that Kurt showed even the most remote interest in. Once inside she gave him clearance to pick out a few things he liked for her as she went to do the same. Not long after, they were both in the dressing rooms, Kurt with his more feminine chic man clothes and Rachel with whatever she thought would cover her up and keep slushies from being dumped on her. The idea of being more normal seemed to be working. She only got a slushy facial twice in the three week period. It was a definite improvement from the usual two to three times a week.
"So Diva, you haven't really talked about your… Ms. Corcoran being back. How's that going?" He asked from the dressing stall next to her.
"It's going Kurt. She's here and there's not much I can do about it. I tried getting out of her class just to make things easier for both of us, but there was no way it would work with my schedule. But things are fine." They weren't exactly fine. Rachel hated that every passing day she felt that much worse that the mother she always wanted was standing in the front of the room teaching her and her peers, but she would never have a relationship with her that went beyond that. Every day she'd feel worse about herself, and everyday she'd wonder how it was so easy for Shelby to think nothing of Rachel. But she wasn't going to tell anyone, not even Kurt, about that.
"Does it bother you?"
"Does what bother me Kurt?" He was in front of her stall now after finishing trying on all of his clothes.
"Does it bother you that you don't really know her and she doesn't really know you?"
"I'm much too brilliant for her to deserve to know. It's completely her loss." Rachel said with a very convincing sense of false confidence. It was enough to get Kurt to stop asking questions.
"That you are Rachel. You're just too brilliant for your own good." She continued trying on the clothes Kurt had picked out for her. It appeared that he really was oblivious to her new, leaner physique because each thing she tried on seemed bigger than the last. But she didn't want him to see that. So she devised a plan to make sure no one would know.
"Kurt, I really like the hoodies you picked out, especially the zip up ones, but I want them a little loose. Do you think you could get them in a bigger size for me to try on?"
"Sure Rach. I'll be right back." She didn't want a bigger size, but if she wore the ones she tried on and he thought they were the bigger size, there'd be no questioning why they were so baggy. It seemed like a good idea. A few minutes later, he returned. She faked trying on the new sizes before exiting in the clothes she came in and returning all but the smaller sized sweaters and hoodies to their rightful spots. She exchanged the jeans Kurt picked out, the ones she actually liked, for smaller sizes when he wasn't watching, and then followed him into the line.
No more than two hours and three stores later, they decided to drag their abundance of bags to the food court for dinner. Being around so much food made Rachel uncomfortable. She was really trying not to let it show, but as she looked over all her food options, she was calculating calories and workout schedules, how many times she should chew each bite, and most importantly, how long it would take her to eat before she could run to the nearest bathroom and relieve herself her excess.
"Rachel!" The slight annoyance in his voice led her to believe that wasn't the first time he called her name.
"Yeah Kurt?" She spoke so nonchalantly he didn't know what to think.
"Are you ok? Where were you just now?"
"I'm fine." She responded, her chipper voice as phony as the snow in a snow globe.
"What's going on in your head Diva?" There was genuine concern in his question and in his eyes. Why he was concerned, he didn't know, but he was nonetheless.
"I think we should get food." Rachel desperately wanted to change the subject. There was nothing wrong; there never was. "Come on." She said standing from the table abruptly. "Let's go."
Rachel took Kurt's hand and escorted him toward the lines before going their separate ways. Once they both got their orders, they found each other in the crowd and walked back to the table. Like any non-starving, normal human being, Kurt slowly ate his food, taking one bite at a time. A few bites into his meal and he looked up to see Rachel gracefully shoveling food down her throat.
"Do you need to be somewhere?" Kurt asked, still gawking at her inhumanly fast paced bites.
"No, why?"
"Why are you eating so fast?" The first dent in her armor was beginning to crack. How could she let that happen? How could she be so stupid? She couldn't ever be found out. She had to think quick.
"Was I? I guess I was hungrier than I thought. I didn't have time for breakfast before my dance class. I must look like a pig. I'm sorry for being so disgusting." That last part really caught his attention. He actually cringed when the words left her mouth. Did his best friend, the confidant, sometimes borderline arrogant, Rachel Berry just call herself disgusting? Better question; did she actually mean it, or was it one of those in the moment things?
"No, you're not disgusting." He answered jokingly trying to lighten what had become an almost instantly somber mood. He didn't know exactly what was happening, but he'd join the rest of the male population and chalk it up to hormones and PMS. "Maybe you should eat more often."
"Yeah, maybe." She smiled and hoped nothing would come of her little display, but she had to find a way to get to the bathroom. "Look at me. I'm such a mess." She stood up and brushed the imaginary crumbs off of her clothes. "I'm going to go clean up in the bathroom. Do you think you could watch my stuff?" As she walked away, she didn't leave him much choice. He was stuck with the bags as she went to chastise herself in the bathroom. Her stupidity could've gotten her caught. That's not to say there was anything wrong with what she was doing, because there wasn't.
Rachel practically ran to the bathroom. She would have literally run, but she didn't want to be too obvious. The entire way there she was mentally scolding herself. How could you be so careless Rachel? How could you be so stupid Rachel? You really are worthless. You can't even control yourself. These were just some of the many thoughts that crossed her mind before she got into the, thankfully, vacant bathroom. Immediately she was in the stall, her fingers down her throat, and emptying out all of the day's impurities. Once relief set in, she cleaned herself up, wiped her mouth and rinsed, and then headed back to Kurt.
When she returned, Kurt was finishing up his food while looking through a magazine he purchased earlier. He only looked up from it when Rachel joined him once again. "Are you ok? What took so long?"
"I'm sorry. There was a line. You know, girls and bathrooms. Right?"
"I guess." Taking one last bite of his food, he pushed the plate away and returned the magazine to his bag.
"Are you ready to go Kurt?"
"Aren't you going to finish eating?" She mimicked his earlier actions and pushed the plate away.
"No, I think I ate too fast before. I'm not hungry anymore." Kurt stood up and gathered his bags.
"Ok, let's go." And they were off.
Rachel dropped Kurt off first before making a pit stop at the only supermarket that sold a variety of vegan foods. She needed to restock her binge supplies. With the exception of a few groceries she needed to pick up with her fathers due home soon, the rest of her cart was mainly filled with the vegan snacks she liked to indulge in most. It was necessary to have her snack drawer filled at all times or else she'd feel on the verge of a panic attack thinking about her diminishing supplies. She didn't like the feeling.
After returning home and unloading the groceries, Rachel immediately changed into her workout gear. It was time for some quality elliptical time. She needed to feel the burn coarse through her body and the ache in her muscles when she was done. She needed some form of punishment for almost giving away her obsession to Kurt. It couldn't happen again. She wouldn't allow it to happen again.
Her excruciating exercise was followed by a long hot shower, in which she continued to exercise doing simple squats and anything else that could easily be done in a small confined space without threat of slipping and falling into a watery death. Once she was out and dressed, she retreated to her bed and, cuddling with her giant blanket with Broadway tunes in the background, began her latest entry into the sacred Berry bible. It was her bible at least. It contained her own set of commandments and all her own hallowed passages.
She must've fallen asleep after hours of writing because around two in the morning she was awoken by the obnoxious sounds of a phone ringing. Rushing out of bed to the nearest phone, she sleepily answered, "Hello?"
"Hello, this is…" She didn't really catch his name. The sleep was still threatening her body and his name was too trivial to remember, especially after what came next. "…calling from the American Embassy. I'm looking for a Rachel Berry."
"This is she." Her groggy voice came out as clear as possible. Then she was hit with news she was not expecting.
"I regret to inform you that Mr. and Mrs. B… I apologize. Mr. Hiram and Leroy Berry were involved in an accident during their travels. They did not survive the crash." Her knees buckled under her, the phone gripped tight in her hand still perched against her ear. "Blah blah blah blah blah." The man went on and on about what came next, the legalities and how to retrieve the bodies. Because that's what they were now. They were bodies. Her daddies were reduced to lifeless corpses; bodies instead of beings. She couldn't listen to him go on and on about the process a head. She had processing of her own to do. The last thing he said was, "I'm sorry for your loss. We'll be in touch again soon."
No words left her mouth before the phone call ended. She just laid there on the floor as lifeless as her fathers on a metal slab in some morgue halfway across the world. She was lost. She needed guidance, but now who would she go to for it. There was no one. She had no one. She was truly alone.
What was she going to do?
"They can't be dead. My daddies are not dead. They're coming home on Monday. They're supposed to be home Monday." She tried desperately to convince herself it was all some sort of prank; some cruel sadistic form of a joke. But in her heart she knew it was true. She'd never see her daddies again. And the saddest part of it all was that she couldn't remember their last conversation. What was the last thing she said to them? Did she tell them she loved them? Did they tell her? When was the last time she actually saw them? Her mind was reeling. She didn't know what happened next, but she knew she couldn't leave the only life she knew.
No one could know they died. Then she'd get taken away. She couldn't let that happen. She'd have to deal with that later though. In that moment she could barely breathe. The tears flew out her eyes at an angry pace, pouring like the heavy storms of a hurricane. She cried so hard for so long she felt sick. Her head was pounding, the lack of contents in her stomach threatening to come up with every gasp for air. This wasn't happening. It couldn't be happening. Was this some kind of karmic justice? What had she done so wrong?
"I love you daddies. Please come back." That was the last thing she whispered before crying herself to sleep that night.
This chapter's a little more depressing, but I hope you enjoy it the best you can enjoy the writing of death and let me know what you think. It's about 2 AM and I'm writing through my insomnia (sometimes I swear I'm nocturnal), so pardon any mistakes. I really appreciate all the positive feedback this story has garnered, please keep it coming.
So, thanks everyone who reviewed, favorited and/or added this story to their alerts. It's much appreciated. And remember suggestions and input are always welcome.