Ok, so there have been a few questions. For starters, Finn and Rachel are not a couple. Rachel is in a dark place that's getting darker, and I don't think now's the time to add a real romantic relationship into the mix. But a lot of what happened on the show happened in the story. Only, there's no Blaine and the kiss at nationals didn't happen. In this story they broke up for some nondescript reason, which I've yet to come up with, at the beginning of summer before junior year. I guess we could say nationals never happened because that was at the end of their junior year. If I think of anything else I'll add it into future author's notes, and if you have any questions I'll gladly answer them.

Chapter 5: Coping… or Not

When Rachel woke up the next morning, for the briefest of seconds, her world still felt right. For those few moments, she forgot that the only parents she had ever known were no longer sharing a part of the same earth. None of it made sense. But when the same throbbing in her head from the morning hours returned, and she realized that she spent the night in her fathers' bed, she knew it was true. She knew they were gone.

For the rest of the day, she barely moved, barely got out of bed, and barely did much more than sleep and think. Even her daily rituals were put on hold, which, under normal circumstances, would have caused her to implode. But under such new emotional turmoil, there was no room for her self hatred and terrible thoughts. That's not to say they were gone. No they were still very present, if not more so than before. But the thought of not having her fathers, whether they were absentee or not, definitely took over the forethought. If there ever was a ray of hope, it was gone now, and she was more lost than ever before.

There were an abundance of phone calls that day. Or maybe it was just a few, but it felt like so many more than normal. Rachel couldn't be bothered with that. No one wanted to talk to her, and since she and her dads didn't have any other family, she didn't think anyone else would have received news of her fathers' demise. So whatever the people on the other line had to say just wasn't important enough for her to care.

Instead, she took the phone off the hook, grabbed a shirt from each of her fathers' collections, and just lay with them. The most familiar of scents filled the air as she rested her head against each of the button downs that she was gripping. She felt safe with that smell. She felt safe in that bed. It was like she was five again, waiting to be read a story, or seven and sneaking into their bed after a bad dream. She wanted it to all be a bad dream.

During her freshmen year, her parents' trips became more frequent and longer. But before that, they were the most attentive people anyone could ever want in their life. Even when they weren't around, she knew they loved her and supported her. She knew that they had high hopes for her, higher than she probably deserved. But they were always proud of her. Maybe she was being delusional. Her fathers stopped coming around, maybe they stopped caring too, but it didn't change the way she felt about them. She still loved them with all her heart and wanted nothing more than to have them back. She'd gladly switch places with them. They didn't deserve it, but she did. Then again, what kind of punishment would it be to be dead instead of dealing with the loss?

It was safe to assume her mind was reeling. Even the happy thoughts of the wonderful memories she shared with her parents were tainted by her obsession and the other terrible things that crossed her mind. If she had enough strength in her body to stand and walk further than the bathroom, she would've went on four or five food benders and threw each and every one of them up. But given her current state, she was lucky if she got off the bed at all.

Nothing seemed to matter. Her fathers' lives were reduced to legal jargon in a phone call from a poorly paid embassy worker. They were gone, and accepting that wasn't even fathomable, but sooner or later she'd have to drag her fat ass out of bed and live like a normal person instead of the zombie she felt herself becoming. Luckily, she still had another day to figure everything out. Monday was a school holiday, so she could continue her cycle of nothingness for an extra twenty four hours and hope, beyond all reason, that her fathers would magically appear in the middle of the room asking why she wasn't in her own bed.

Barely sleeping, not eating, and not doing much of anything, Tuesday morning rolled around fairly quickly. While she lay awake that morning, way too early to start the day and pretend it was normal or that anything was near ok, she did a little thinking. It probably wasn't the best thing to do, and it most definitely wasn't healthy, but she came to a conclusion. She had no family, no one to take care of her, no one to worry about her well being, so she'd just have to take care of herself.

No one needed to know about their deaths. Soon all their possessions, the house the car, bank accounts, everything would be put in her name per their final requests. And until then, she could forge their names on papers for school or checks for bills. They wanted to be cremated and have their ashes scattered over the very place they met, so there would be no service, no lavish announcements, and she'd be able to continue staying right where she was without threat of child services looming over her every move. Lying, at least by omission, seemed like the lesser of two evils.

It would work; it had to work. If it didn't, who knew where she'd end up. It's not like she could move in with Kurt, and she didn't have anyone else to count on. Kurt… he lost his mother and could relate to what she was feeling. So could Finn. But could she risk confiding in them. Maybe Kurt, but she'd have to mull over that for a while.

When the day finally began and the alarm went off at five in the morning, she felt drained. For the past two days, she had literally done nothing, and yet she was wiped. Everything was normal, she had to be normal. She kept thinking that over and over, hoping that after a while it would just sink in and her acting skills would seamlessly take over. No one would be the wiser.

She just couldn't get going though. Somehow, almost subconsciously, she pulled off a morning elliptical workout, took a much needed shower, brushed her teeth, and got dressed in the most depressing looking outfit she could find. But after everything, her tiny burst of energy was gone, and moving, breathing, became a chore.

On her way into the kitchen she paused and stared at herself in the mirror.

"Rachel Berry, you are a mess." She said aloud. "But you can do this. You will make it through today and every day after." She didn't know if she believed it; no she didn't believe that. But she did her best to convince herself otherwise. "You are going to put on that million dollar smile, get to school, sing at glee, and make sure no one finds out anything." That was her pep talk. Go lie to yourself and your friends and everything will be ok? How delusional could she possibly be?

After mainlining a few cups of coffee, which she knew she'd need for both energy and to boost her metabolism because her routine was all discombobulated, she was almost ready to go. But one quick glance in the car mirror told her school could wait a minute. She wouldn't be late if she took the five minutes necessary to cover up the sleep deprivation shown on her face giving away her little secrets. But once that was taken care of, and she checked to make sure she had everything, she was off to school.

Her smile wasn't as bright as it normally was. There was only so much bogus bravado she could muster while dealing with everything else in her mind. But she knew she had to test it out. If she could fool Kurt, she could fool everyone. She hoped.

"Hey Kurt!"

"Diva, where've you been? I tried calling Sunday and yesterday too, but you didn't answer."

"I'm sorry. My fathers wanted to spend some time with me before they went out of town for the week. They aren't used to leaving me alone and they were having some separation anxiety. Parents, right?"

"I guess." He grabbed his bag and looped her arm in his. "You look tired."

"Thanks, you look great yourself."

"You know what I mean. Is everything ok?"

"Of course it is silly. Why wouldn't it be?" She knew that was a little much in the acting department, but luckily, Kurt seemed to miss it. Before they knew it, they were outside of Shelby's classroom and slushy free. At least that was one goal of the day accomplished. She wasn't slushied before first period. Hooray for her.

"So I'll see you in class and then we'll meet up at lunch. We should go over some song ideas for sectionals."

"Well, I'll definitely see you in class, but I don't know about lunch. I might have to use that time to finish one of my assignments. My dads took up most of my weekend and I didn't have time to finish."

"Ok, I'll see you in class then." With a very Kurt like wave, he was off and she was free to sit alone in the craziness that was her mind.

No one was in class yet. She was early like she normally was, and she was grateful for the solitude. She wanted nothing more than to break down in tears or fall asleep and never wake up again, but she just couldn't. It wouldn't be a very Berry like thing to do. Instead she just stared at the blank page of her journal and thought about the many things she could write about. Then she thought that if she did write it, it would be real. And she didn't know if she could face it. It was easier to believe the lies she was telling than to listen to the truth that she knew. All those thoughts aside, she decided to focus on her other problems, maybe get back into the swing of things. She wrote about everything else, but reserved the blank page for her fathers… when she was ready. After a few minutes of writing, her process was interrupted by a way too happy Shelby.

"Oh." She was startled by the very early Rachel. "Hi Rachel, good morning."

"Morning." Her voice was quiet. There was definitely nothing good about that morning… nothing. The oddly somber Rachel didn't go unnoticed by Shelby. Was that out of the ordinary for her daughter? Was she just not a morning person? Maybe she just had moods.

"Is everything ok?"

"Fine." One word answers seemed to get the job done. She didn't have the strength to elaborate, especially not with her. Still a little concerned, but enjoying the little bit of conversation, Shelby pushed forward.

"I finally got around to the class' essays over the weekend. Yours was particularly well written and very good." Too bad it was an over inflated optimistic version of what she felt at the time, and now she didn't even have that. Ask her about the meaning of life then and she'd say there wasn't one.

"Thanks." Rachel looked up for a second after feeling her mother's intense gaze trained on her. It looked like she was about to say something, her mouth was open and everything, but she was interrupted with a flood of students as the bell rang. It was a welcomed relief to a flat lining Rachel.

All day classes went by in a blur. She played the part when she was around Ms. Corcoran, Mr. Schue, and the glee clubbers, but she seriously questioned how long she'd be able to keep it up. With each lie, with each act, her sanity weakened and her urges grew stronger. By the end of the day, just in time for glee, she felt dead. She was tired and worn, and needed something to wake her up. Then she remembered. She had diet pills in her purse. One of the ingredients was caffeine and she was sure there were other pick me ups laced somewhere in the capsule. Those would surely help.

And they did. The pills helped. They allowed her to throw herself into her art. She danced harder than she thought possible and sang every note as flawlessly as ever before. She liked the way the pills made her feel. For the first time in days, she felt awake. Then again, she did have what amounted to four or five cups of coffee that morning.

The rest of the week went on much like that. She did her work, kept to her routines, and lived the best she could. She didn't sleep much though, but what energy she lacked from sleep she made up for with caffeine and diet pills. She didn't each much either. She found herself full after one tiny bite, and she still felt the need to release it afterwards. Her life style wasn't and never would be classified as healthy.

That next Wednesday, though, more than a week after their death, she was in for a little bit of a setback. She managed to avoid any suspicions. She was a good actress, no one could claim otherwise. But the combination of sleep deprivation, caffeine overload, diet pills, lack of nourishment, and over exercising was getting to her more than usual. The headaches would help keep her up at night. The lightheadedness was more frequent and worse than ever before, but a part of her liked it. The floating feeling she got after pushing herself too hard, the head rushes she felt when she stood or moved too quickly, and the feeling of hunger she felt when she deprived herself of food all felt so good and so welcomed. They made her feel alive and separate from her emotions. It was amazing.

She was holding in all the tears, all the anger, all of the pain she felt from their sudden deaths and it all just became too much for her. It was nothing big that set her off, just more of the same. But that's what worried her. She needed to control things like that.

That morning, before school, her fathers' ashes had arrived. She knew what she would have to do with them, but it would be a long drive and would have to wait until the weekend. But holding the makeshift urns in her hands made everything so real. Feeling was unavoidable. The day was spent in complete silence. She ignored anything said to her, and avoided anyone and everyone she knew would want to talk to her. Then glee happened. Like almost every day, she wanted to skip it, go home and exercise or write until her hands cramped, but she couldn't do that without raising questions. Rachel Berry just wouldn't miss glee. She lived, ate, and breathed the club.

People were starting to realize something was going on with their resident diva, but no one dared to bring it up. Maybe they didn't care, or maybe they didn't really want the answer; either way, the question wasn't being asked. But after a rigorous dance practice, the questions needed to be asked. Rachel Berry was not ok, but what was wrong?

The rehearsal was winding down, but Rachel being Rachel was over in the corner with a few other kids practicing the steps over and over. While they were doing that, and the rest of the group was packing up their stuff, Mr. Schuester was talking to the kids.

"Remember, parents meeting this Friday to talk about funding for sectionals. We need to raise money and we need help. I expect all of your parents to be there. I talked to most of them already, but Rachel, I haven't been able to get a hold of either of your dads."

Just the mere mention of her dads made her breaths become labored. He couldn't reach them because they were a pile of ashes resting on the mantle until she could free them in the wind. Breathing seemed impossible, and she began gasping for air.

"Rachel! Rachel are you ok?" She heard Puck yell as he tried to hold her, helping her to sit on a crate that happened to be on the stage.

"Mr. Schue, there's something wrong with Rachel!" Mercedes yelled and the teacher promptly came to see what was happening.

"Go get her some water." He said. Rachel could feel all eyes on her. She felt a little claustrophobic in the middle of her huddled "friends."

"Breathe, just breathe." She told herself.

"Someone call an ambulance."

"No!" Rachel yelled in between her huffing. "I'm fine. I… just need water." It took a while, and Mr. Schue had cleared out the room, but Rachel was finally able to breathe again. A full fledged panic attack; always terrifying to witness and even worse to feel. Needless to say, Will was worried. He'd never seen Rachel like that. He knew that the past week she'd been off, less loud and vibrant, but there was something deep that he couldn't quite strike.

"Rachel, what happened?" The concern was evident, but Rachel couldn't tell him the truth.

"I was just dehydrated. And I think I pulled a muscle. I'm sorry I scared everyone. Next time I'll drink more water and stretch better."

"It's fine Rachel, everyone's just worried." Will knew the young girl in front of him was hiding something, but he didn't know how to drag it out of her. She usually was pretty vocal about her needs. He'd have to talk to Emma about it later and maybe Shelby too. "Are you ok now? Should I call your house and have one of your parents come get you?"

"I'm fine. No need to call anyone. See." She said, pushing herself up, holding in the tears for dear life. Her fathers would never be picking her up again. "Fine." Her fake smile returned too.

It took a little more cajoling, but she managed to convince Mr. Schuester that she was fine and capable of driving herself home. As soon as she got the go ahead, she went to the nearest bathroom and just broke down. She didn't check the stalls, and she didn't bother to lock her own stall when she went in; she just sat on the toilet lid and cried the tears she has been fighting for some time.

She was in there for a good while before the sobs started to slow down. Eventually, she went to the sink to clean up a little. She was happy to notice the vacant area. It was just her. She was still crying, though, when she heard the familiar sounds of clicking heels enter the room. There were silent tears falling when Shelby entered the room. She did her best to cover it up, splashing water on her face. But the red eyes and blotchy face gave it all away. And Shelby was quick to notice the distraught girl.

"Rachel?" She moved closer, handing the girl a paper towel; one that she desperately needed and willingly accepted. "What's wrong?"

"Nothing." She said forcing the tears to stop and her voice to go back to normal.

"Obviously it's something. What's going on?" Shelby placed a comforting hand on Rachel's shoulder. Rachel responded by quickly turning to face her.

"Nothing's wrong. I just had a long practice, and I need to go home." With that she grabbed her bags and rushed out leaving a worried Shelby behind.

Shelby made her way into the hall and down the corridor until passing the choir room where she saw Will. She was tempted to let it go. Rachel obviously didn't want her to know what was going wrong, but she was still the girl's mother. Surely she had some right to know. After taking a second to think it over, she decided to go in and talk to him. He could give her some insight to Rachel's problem.

"Hey Will."

"Shelby, how are you?"

"I'm good. How's glee going?"

"I think we have a real shot at Sectionals this year."

"That's good. I hope you guys do great." He could sense there was something on her mind. There was something on his too.

"Thanks. I was going to talk to you later, but since you're here now." He directed her to the chairs and politely asked if she'd like to join him. She agreed.

"I wanted to talk to you too."

"Ok, you go first."

"Do you know what's going on with Rachel? Or is something going on with Rachel? Is it boy troubles?"

"Why do you think something's wrong with Rachel?" He thought something was up too, but he wanted, needed, to know what she saw. The more information, the better.

"I swear I just caught her crying in the bathroom. I tried to find out what was going on, but, as I suspected she might, she pushed me away." He was more worried now. Panic attacks and crying. There was cause for concern. If only she'd just spill it already.

"I've noticed something wrong too. I've been trying to get a hold of her fathers to talk about Friday's meeting or at least let them know that there is one, but I haven't been able to reach them."

"Is that what you wanted to see me about?"

"Yes, partially. I wanted to talk to you about Rachel and see if you noticed anything. I wanted to tell you about her episode today too."

"What episode? Did something happen?"

"I'm pretty sure she had a panic attack. She said she was just a little dehydrated and that she pulled a muscle. But it was more than that."

"Something's going on. You're worried about her."

"I've never seen her even get nervous. There's something going on. I just don't know what."

"What do we do? What do I do?"

"Well, I was hoping to talk to the Berry's when they come to the meeting Friday; if they come. We can talk after that and I'll fill you in on whatever I learn. But the other thing I wanted to talk to you about was to see if you would like to sit in and help out with glee next week. It could give you a chance to interact with Rachel, and we could use your help."

"I'd like that. And definitely let me know what happens with the Berrys. I'm going to keep an eye on her the best I can, and I have a feeling you'll do the same."

"I will." They both stood and Will walked with her to the door. "I'll let you know if I find anything out."

"And I'll do the same." With a cordial wave and a shared worried feeling, the two parted ways.

Insomnia strikes again! I guess that's good for the readers though, but pardon the mistakes. I'm only human. I hope you like the chapter. I promise, probably in the next chapter, some people will find out about Rachel's dads. And soon after that, her other problem will cause some problems and the issues will start to be brought to light. If that was confusing, I apologize; it's late.

I really appreciate all the positive feedback this story has garnered, please keep it coming. Thanks everyone who reviewed, favorited and/or added this story to their alerts. It's much appreciated. And remember suggestions and input are always welcome.