Chapter 12: Not Everything is as it Appears

Rachel quickly made her way home. She wasn't really hung over. She had a headache, a bad one, but that was it and it wasn't going to deter her routine. Shelby saw her come in and started to ask her all about her night. Rachel wasn't in the mood to discuss it. She had to get to work. Sex only burned so many calories, even good sex. But since telling her that wasn't an option, Rachel told her that the night was fine, she had fun, and that she needed to change. It seemed like a good excuse to escape. Shelby didn't think the conversation was good enough so she threw a few more questions at the younger girl before asking her to join them for breakfast.

"I already ate before I left the Hummel's, but thank you." She said before running up to her room. Thoughts about Noah still ran rapid in her head. She enjoyed that more than she thought she would. But did he? Was she any good? Her insecurities were also on red alert. Luckily exercising usually helped dull her thoughts, and at the very least it would help burn off some of yesterday's recklessness. For most of the day, that was all she did. But no matter what she did she couldn't help but think about what happened between her and Noah. She even journaled… Still nothing helped.

She was confused and nervous. Other than Kurt, he seemed to be the only person who didn't bully her in some way, shape, or form. It died down a little out of pity after her fathers passed, but it didn't change much. Puck, however, did. Now she was worried she ruined it all by crossing that line. She was no good at letting loose. It just stressed her out after the fact. It did make her push harder though. So, that was a plus, especially after a night of drinking. She felt so bloated and fat.

It was already late in the afternoon and she decided to get in one more workout. It was so necessary after her show of lack of discipline. After that it was shower time followed by next week's homework. It was important to stay ahead, especially when she felt herself getting headaches and lightheaded more often. Doing it early allowed her the luxury to push herself so hard she passed out and not worry about getting behind with her work. As she was finishing up the last of the work, enough to take her through the coming two weeks, there was a knock at the door.

"Come in." The door slowly creaked open until Shelby's figure was standing in the frame.

"Dinner's almost ready. Come set the table please."

"I'll be down in a minute." She said before turning away from her mother to finish the last few problems on her homework.

"Are you feeling ok?"

"Yeah, why?"

"You're just not usually dressed and ready for bed this early. And last time you didn't tell me and you ended up in the hospital so, I needed to check."

"I didn't tell you because it wasn't a big deal. I was fine, and I'm fine now. And I'm done, so I'll go set the table," Without waiting to hear Shelby's response, Rachel walked right passed her and down to the kitchen. There she waited until Shelby got Beth and joined her at the table.

Shelby decided not to say anything until Beth was in her high chair and dinner was on the table. "You can't always run away from me when you don't want to talk about something." Rachel looked up from the food she was swirling around her plate. She wanted so desperately to just engulf it all and more so that she could run to the bathroom and have the release she craved so badly, but she couldn't do that until the rest were almost done. She couldn't let it sit. Once it was in, it needed to immediately come out. So she'd use that self control she worked so hard to learn and wait.

"I didn't run away. I just did what you asked and went to set the table. That's what you wanted was it not?"

"That's not the point Rachel. Running away won't help anything. When I try to talk to you, you run away. When I ask you to spend time with me and Beth, you find some excuse and then run." Her grip on her utensils practically turned her knuckles white. She was stressed enough; dealing with Shelby just drove the urge that much further.

"I don't understand what you want from me. We both know the only reason I'm here is because my parents died and it was you or the streets and you felt bad for me. But I don't want your pity." Everything she was saying came out calm and even, but to Shelby, that just made it worse. At least if there was anger there'd be something to work though. How do you work through nothing? "You told me that you wanted a family and that didn't include me. So it shouldn't include me now. Just pretend I'm a temporary house guest, a boarding student who is staying here until graduation. Then I'll leave and you'll never have to hear from me again."

"That's not what I want."

"Then what is it that you want? Because I'm lost here."

"I want us to try. I want you to be able to talk to me, to trust me. I want you to feel comfortable here. What do you want?"

"I want my dads to be alive and us not to be having this conversation." Shelby's heart panged. Her little girl was still in so much pain.

"Ok."

"Ok?" Definite confusion amidst a cocktail of many other emotions…

"I can't give you the first thing, and I would if I could, but I'm more than capable of the latter. We'll table this discussion for now, but we will address it later. Why don't you tell me about last night? What movie did you watch?" Maybe she owed Shelby some semblance of normalcy. And even if she didn't, at least talking will help her control the need to eat every last scrap of food in sight and then run to the bathroom to correct the mistake. But she'd be lying if she said the thought didn't linger during the entire conversation. But, she told her lie after lie and made it convincing. She also made a mental note to fill Kurt in on the lies, just in case.

"I want to check your homework." Well, that was random.

"Why? You don't think I actually did it?"

"I'm sure you did, I just want to make sure you did it right."

"So you don't trust me?"

"It's not about trust Rachel. I just want to make sure you understand it and that you're doing the best you can. So I want to see it."

"All of it?"

"Yes, all of it."

"Ok, fine. I'll go get it." Rachel was about to get up from the table and leave the nearly full plate in her wake, but Shelby stopped her.

"Eat first, and it's your turn to do dishes." Rachel quickly shoveled the food into her mouth as Shelby took the other plates to the sink. Then she ran up to her room.

"I'll get my homework then do the dishes." She called before rushing into the bathroom fulfilling her need to a tee… several times. However brief it was, the high after the release felt amazing. She forgot about Noah and her insecurities. She forgot about her mother and the inevitable and uncomfortable conversation they'd be having. She forgot all the bad in her life and just felt the good. For those few minutes, she felt happy and calm and so completely safe. And when it was over, she immediately wanted that back. But as much as she wanted it, she could hear Shelby calling her.

"Rachel, what's taking so long? Come on, the dishes are waiting." She went back into her room, grabbed all her stuff, and ran down into the kitchen where Shelby was impatiently waiting. "What is all that?" She asked as she stared at the monstrous pile of files and papers and books stacked in Rachel's hands.

"Homework. You said all of it, didn't you?"

"Who gave you so much homework?" She asked still stunned by the sheer immensity of it all.

"Most of it's from you."

"No, I'd remember giving you that much work. I would remember because I have to grade it." Rachel laughed as she went to start the dishes. That was the most civil and fun conversation they'd had to date and she credited that to the bathroom session she had just moments before.

"Well the papers sticking out of the Grammar book are the exercises you assigned for the next two weeks and the folder under it holds the final copies of the work along with the essay that's due on Friday and the short answer take home test." Rachel couldn't see it, but Shelby's mouth was agape and she sat their paralyzed with the words she was hearing. Who works on schoolwork that far in advance?

"Did you say the next two weeks? For all of your classes?"

"Yes, the next two weeks of work for all of my classes is done and in that pile. Of course there are a few missing assignments like my science lab report, but that's only because we have yet to complete the actual testing. However, it's started and outlined and is in the folder labeled Lab Work."

"Wow." Shelby quietly said before Rachel finished the dishes and turned toward her.

"What's the matter? What's that look for? Did I do something wrong?" Oh geez, one civil conversation and she already ruined it. What was wrong with her?

"No, you did nothing wrong. I'm just surprised. When did you do all of this? Why'd you do it all so early?"

"It is very important to be prepared. If something should come up and I still had a mess of work to do, I'd become stressed and possibly overwhelmed. At least this way I'm ahead and have more time to do as I please. Or, if I so choose I can continue on more work and check what I've already done for mistakes."

"Well, ok then. Why don't you go do something fun while I start looking through this? You do realize this is more than I grade in a week right?"

"You did ask for it." With that, she went up to her room and locked herself away for the night. She had a lot more to write about and another cycle to run through. Eventually, Shelby dropped in after putting Beth to bed.

Shelby walked in and saw Rachel lying on her bed with a book in her hand and a journal lying next to her. "What are you reading?"

"I have to finish this book for my history class." She put the book mark in and closed the book, sitting up on the bed to face her mother.

"Everything I looked so far was very well done. You're really a smart girl Rachel." Lies…

"Oh, umm… thank you." She was very uncomfortable. But Shelby didn't notice and just went to sit on the edge of the bed.

"So what's this?" She asked, her hand resting on the purple diary like notebook. "I've seen you write in this all the time."

"It's nothing." Rachel snapped, quickly taking the book from her mother who was surprised by the outburst. "I'm sorry. It's just… It's nothing."

"Don't worry about it Rachel. Obviously it's important you, and despite what you may think, I know how to mind my own business."

"I didn't mean to yell."

"I said it's ok Rachel." She stood from the bed. "I just came in here to say goodnight. I know it's early, but I have a lot of papers to go through before tomorrow. I left your work on the counter downstairs. Lights out at ten. You'll need the rest. Glee tomorrow is going to be rough."

"Night." Shelby gently closed the door behind her as she exited the room. When she finally settled down, she felt like they had made some progress. She thought that before and it ended up false, but this time seemed different. Although, she did have a few questions about that notebook. It was obviously something important to her, otherwise she wouldn't have gotten so defensive when all she did was touch it and ask what it was. She wanted to know what was in it. But that was a problem for another day. At least they were starting to get into conversations deeper that "Hey how are you? "Good, and you?"

The next morning when Rachel arrived at school, Kurt immediately went looking for her. He had some questions for the resident Diva and he wanted them right away. It wasn't hard to guess where she'd be first thing in the morning, so after a stop at his own, he dawdled over to Rachel's locker.

"Hey Rachel."

"Kurt, how was your weekend?"

"Well, I misplaced my phone after the party, but when I found it last night there were quite a few texts from you. Care to explain?"

"It was a precautionary measure Kurt. Should my mother ask any questions, I slept over your house after we went to the mall and any further details are written in great detail in those messages."

"So if you didn't sleep over at my house and you didn't go home after the party, where did you sleep?" That comment alone made her feel a little better. At least Noah didn't tell Finn they slept together so Finn couldn't tell Kurt. She just hoped he didn't say anything to anyone else either.

"I was elsewhere Kurt. That's all that mattered, but if you want me to participate in our upcoming competition, I suggest you go along with it. Please?"

"Who were you with Diva? Was it a boy? I need the juicy details. What were you doing?" The glimmer in his eyes showed just how interested he was. He wanted the gossip, especially if it concerned his best friend.

"Kurt, please… I was just with a friend."

He gasped letting out a drawn out "huh" of astonishment like he came to some sort of amazing realization. Then he moved closer so he didn't have to speak too loudly. But not in a whisper, he said, "Did something happen with a boy?"

Her head snapped up and her attention was no longer on the book she was getting out of her locker. "Really Kurt?"

"Oh my Gaga! You totally were with a boy!" His voice seemed to bellow in the hallway. Rachel quickly gazed around only noticing a few heads turned her way. No one really cared about her, so while she was still worried, she knew she had to reason to be.

"Do you want to yell a little louder Kurt? I don't think my mother heard you all the way in her classroom."

"I'm sorry, but this is about the pulpiest piece of news in all of Lima."

"Well that's odd because I never said that I was with a boy and I never said anything happened." Kurt opened his mouth to speak, but before the words had a chance to leave his mouth, they were interrupted.

"Berry can I talk to you?" Noah…

She turned to face him. "Hello Noah. How are you today?"

"I'm good. Walk with me to English?"

"Ok. Just a sec." Turning back to Kurt she simply said, "We'll talk later ok? I'll see you in class."

"Oooh-kay." He said in a sing songy voice causing Rachel to shoot him a glare that couldn't be missed. Puck didn't miss it either.

"So, want to tell me what that was about?" Rachel was already uncomfortable, telling him that Kurt thinks she whored herself out to some guy, no matter how true it was, wouldn't make things any less awkward.

"Kurt was just sticking his nose in where it didn't belong. Do you want to tell me what this is about?" He looked at her confused. "You asked if we could talk."

"Oh, right. The other night…" She acted confused.

"The part… Did you get in trouble for that?"

"Nah, my ma doesn't suspect a thing. Probably because you helped clean all the evidence."

"That's great Noah." She wanted to keep the conversation simple, away from the complexities of and the insecurities she had over that night. He was her first and she didn't want him to feel like that had to mean more than it did. He was there when she wanted to run wild. That's all it was… Right? She really couldn't tell. There was just so much chaos in her mind it was impossible to work out.

"About that night."

"What about it?" There was a sense of anxiety clear in her voice. She didn't want to talk about it. She wasn't ready to decipher her emotions, never mind deal with what she was feeling. She probably should've, but she didn't. She wouldn't know where to begin.

"What we did, what happened… you're ok with that right? I mean I know you said you wanted to, but you haven't answered my texts and, I don't know. I just wanted to make sure you're ok." She wanted to play it off like it was nothing, but in all honesty, it did mean something. He was her comfort, her safety, but she couldn't handle any rejection or anything more than friendship. So she had to push all other feelings aside.

"Noah, everything's fine. I didn't answer anyone's texts, not just yours, because my phone died." Another lie to add under her belt. If people weren't lying to her, she was lying to them. "It's really not a big deal. We were both a little toasted and we made a mutual decision. There's nothing more to it." If she didn't know any better, she'd think he was a little upset by her words; the same words she knew weren't true. "But we had fun right?" He nodded. "And you've did this with plenty of other girls." He felt a little stung by that comment. It was true, but she didn't have to point that out. "So why are you acting different because it was me?"

"'Cause, you know. You're the other Jew and I got to make sure everything's all motzah balls and soup."

"Well it is. Ok? We're fine, we're friends, and I don't expect anything from you. No need to worry about that. Now let's get to class before we're late and Shelby gives us detention." And so the day began…

By the time lunch rolled around, it already felt like the world was coming to an end. As she walked through the cafeteria it felt like everyone was talking and whispering about her. Since their chat earlier, Rachel had been avoiding Puck all day and seeing him there wasn't something she was looking forward to. She ruined every good thing in her life. Why'd she have to do that? To make matters worse, Kurt was pestering her with texts all day asking questions about things she didn't want to talk about over and over. There was just no winning. The entire day was just royally screwed in her mind. So there she sat, staring at the food in front of her, desperately trying not to just shove it all done in one bite and run to her comfort zone so that she could feel ok again.

It was a test of her will power; that's for sure. And it was one she was failing at that. Midway through lunch she was losing it. She couldn't hear what the people around her were saying. All she heard was white noise as she just continued to stare at her full plate of food. She could have devoured it and ran to the bathroom, but that would raise too many suspicions, and she didn't want or need that. Instead she claimed she forgot something in her previous class, politely excused herself, and left as quickly as possible. Her first stop was her locker. She kept, along with her slushy kit, an emergency food storage. It was definitely an emergency. Well, it felt like one to her.

Inside were a bunch of her favorites and, since no one was around to witness it, she wasn't afraid to go all out. As she made her way to her favorite school bathroom, she just continued to chew as much as she could, as fast as she could, downing it with a liquid to help it come up a little more smoothly. When she finally opened the door to her comfort zone, it felt right. She was safe there in all her glory, free to do what she needed, when she needed, in only her own company. She didn't bother to check the stalls. That bathroom was never used. Why would that time be any different?

So as she finished up the last of her stash, making a mental note to restock it later, she ran to her favorite stall to work her magic. The much needed release eased all of the day's pressures. She was hit with such a wave of release and ecstasy she didn't even hear the sounds of a stall door opening or the pitter pattering of footsteps coming closer to her. And so, when she let it out once more she missed the sound of the faucet running, but once she was finished it was all too much to miss. Standing in the stall, she peaked through the crack, but couldn't see who it was. Whoever it was wasn't leaving either. Rachel peaked under the stall next and could see the stationary legs leaned up against the wall in wait. She remained there for a little while longer and when she saw the mystery feet head towards the door and the sound of ht e heavy wood opening and then closing against the frame, she finally flushed and went out of the stall. She began washing her hands and rinsing out her mouth when she heard the steps behind her. Slowly, she lifted her head up and looked into the mirror. Her reflection wasn't alone. It was joined by own Quinn Fabray and all she could feel was panic.

"I don't know what you think you saw or what you think you heard, but it never happened. Nothing happened." Rachel turned and held Quinn's gaze for as long as she could muster before the little confidence she had faded and all the bad feelings came rushing back. She fled the bathroom like a bat out of hell. All she could think was that her secret had been uncovered and her world was going to end. She couldn't take it. She wouldn't take it. What was she going to do? How could she fix it? More importantly, how could she keep doing it? A part of her, for the first time ever, just hoped that Quinn really didn't care enough about her and would just leave it alone. Quinn never really considered Rachel a friend. Maybe she would just let it go. She didn't really know what was going on. Rachel could've been sick for all she knew, or drunk. Yeah, everything was going to be ok. Quinn didn't know, and Rachel still had her vice to fall back on. Nothing would change. She wouldn't allow it. She couldn't. So she'd just stay in denial and pretend nothing happened… Because nothing did.

As always, I apologize for any mistakes in Grammar or spelling. It happens…

Happy reading everyone. Enjoy the chapter. The secrets are starting to unravel and sectionals are coming up. I have a ton of ideas floating around my mess of a mind just dying to be born onto paper. I went with the popular decision, not just because it's what people wanted, but because it was my original thought as well. Quinn caught Rachel, but does she really know? We shall see…

I want to say that I'm so grateful for all of the wonderful comments. Thank you to everyone who reviewed, favorited, and/or added this to their alerts. Don't be afraid to tell me what you think or if there's anything you'd like to see happen.