Chapter 15: I Think We've got a Problem
After the performance, Rachel just needed to get away. She did well, they all did, but she could have done better. She wasn't perfect, she missed a step, and she stumbled. That just wasn't good enough. On top of that, she still felt like all eyes were on her, staring at her with their knowing looks. She couldn't take it. So, while all the other kids in all their glory and high hopes of success and winning went to party the rest of their time away in their room backstage, Rachel needed to find the nearest bathroom.
On her mad dash through the foreign hallways, doing her best to escape the voices in her head, Rachel ran into someone. She literally ran into someone and fell to the ground. A familiar hand was held out in front of her. "Are you okay Rachel?"
"I'm fine." She barked, while accepting Brittany's hand. "I'm sorry." Her voice softened. It was her fault anyway, and she really didn't have any right to be mad at Brittany; not for the run in, not for her feelings, and not even for the glee blowout. Brittany was probably clueless to the whole thing. How could she fault her for anything when she didn't do anything?
"Where are you going?" She debated lying, but realized that'd be more suspicious. While what she was going to do wasn't wrong by any means, people tended to judge her and only see the error in her ways.
"I was just on my way to the bathroom. You should go with everyone else back to the green room. I'll be there soon."
"Okay Rachel." She shrugged and walked away.
Rachel didn't waste any more time getting to the bathroom. She didn't lock the door behind her, only because she was in too much of a hurry, but she did make sure to check that it was empty. Standing in front of the porcelain hole, Rachel felt different. Maybe it was the circumstances, maybe it was the feeling that she was being watched and constantly scrutinized, even more so than normal, but it felt like more than that. It felt so internal, like there was something wrong with her and not for doing it, but something physically wrong.
She decided it was just lack of sleep causing insomnia induced paranoia. Since that short lived nap with Beth she barely slept more than an hour at a time and a few hours a night. The restlessness was getting to her. But there she stood, ready to do it. She knew she was pushing her limits. She was purging more than normal, sleeping less, eating less, exercising more, and following a stricter routine. And some of those things were a good, at least to her, but this was different. That morning she hadn't eaten, saying it was competition jitters, she barely drank, and she definitely didn't sleep. There wasn't much swirling in her stomach other than the natural acid it produced, but she couldn't let that stop her. She wouldn't.
Nothing really came out. And how could it? She didn't know what she expected, but the compulsion was there and she had to feed it. She couldn't resist the high. But when she was done, that feeling just got worse. It felt like her heart was skipping a beat. And it wasn't in that, "I just found the love of my life and god he makes me feel good," kind of way. Her heart was literally skipping beats. She didn't know if it was going too fast or too slow, but she could feel her heart beating and it wasn't right. But she ignored it. There was nothing wrong with her.
Slowly, she began to stand up, moving away from the stall. Even the slight change in elevation sent a sense of vertigo through her aching body. Standing became difficult, but she did her best to get to the sink. If it was a sobriety test, she definitely would've failed. She wobbled and stumbled all the way there, quickly clutching the edge of the black marble countertop to support her before she fell. All she wanted to do was rinse her mouth and wash her hands. Still grasping the edge, leaning heavily against it, Rachel just closed her eyes tight trying to collect herself. It didn't get better, not even a little, but she pushed through and managed to quickly clean her hands and gargle some water, but when she was done, she couldn't go anywhere. It was hard enough to walk a few feet from the stall without falling over, how was she supposed to make it a few hundred back to the room?
The answer was that she couldn't. She could barely stand, never mind walk. So she wasn't going anywhere. She slowly lowered herself to the ground, thanking god for small favors. At least the bathroom looked clean. The lightheadedness seemed worse than ever before. Normally she could at least walk a few feet, unless of course she blacked out, but that was beside the point. It was a different feeling and it was messing with the normal euphoria that came after her fix. It really ruined it for her, but that wouldn't put her off next time. She'd do it again; she knew that. There really wasn't any denying that. But this time, she just didn't feel right. She felt tired and thirsty and sick. She was supposed to feel light and featherlike and free, not bogged down in a heaviness that threatened to take her over. Whatever, she just needed to get some water and she'd be fine.
But that wasn't the case. She tried to get back up, she really did. Her body just wasn't having it. Turning her body slightly, she reached her hand out for something to pull herself up. Her strength was gone, however, and her attempts were futile. After a few attempts she, at snail speed, made some headway, but before she knew it, she was falling to the ground, the darkness taking over her body.
Rachel laid there for a good ten, fifteen minutes at least. She wasn't really sure. It was another one of her blackouts. Who cares how long it was out? It was another episode that would pass, just like all the others. But Santana didn't know that, and neither did any of the others. None of the others were coming into the room, however, so they didn't matter at that moment. She was coming to when she heard Santana throw some sort of insult mixed in a question, thrown together with some sort of drag queen quip.
"Berry if you're in there with morning sickness or some crap like that, I might just have to barf on you." That sounded repulsing to Rachel, but that really wasn't her biggest problem. As soon as she heard the door open, and even more so when she heard Santana's voice, Rachel went into a tizzy. She immediately tried to get up, but it wasn't happening. It was like she was there, awake and alert, but still unconscious. Her eyes were still too heavy to open and her body felt cemented to the ground. There was no getting up. "Man Hands, you here?" She asked again before walking further into the bathroom. Rachel's panic grew. There was no escaping this.
Rachel wanted to scream, "No, I'm dead." Or something equally as epic; something worthy of the Great White Way, aka Broadway. She tried one last time to get up to some avail before Santana found her. She managed to get her eyes open and move a little, and then she heard Santana and decided to play dead. Maybe then the Latina would just leave her alone and pretend she didn't see anything. Rachel would expect nothing else.
"Aye dios mio! Rachel!" She frantically yelled. Rachel immediately tensed her body as the other girl ran to her, enveloping her into, what might be considered, a hug like situation. Well, not exactly a hug, but Santana was sitting on her knees next to Rachel pulling her up to rest the girl's head on her lap.
"What's going on?" She wanted to ask. Would it really take a near death experience to get anyone to care? Would anyone even care? Maybe she should just kill herself and get it over with.
"Rachel. Rachel! Rachel, please wake up." She felt Santana check her pulse. She was still alive… obviously. Santana felt her hands, like ice to the touch. What the hell was happening? "Wake up, don't die and I promise I'll be nicer to you." She continued to plead for the girl, a former enemy, or rather permanent verbal punching bag, to be fine. Rachel groggily started to wiggle. Her heart didn't feel weird anymore; she was still light headed, but she was fully alert and conscious again, and she heard what Santana said. And as much as she wanted to see the reaction to her "death," a bathroom at Sectionals really wasn't the place.
"Promise?" The word was a little slurred, but Santana had never been happier to hear her speak.
"No…" She said almost near tears as relief flooded her body. She'd never let anyone know about that. No one needed to know she actually cared about anything, especially not the dwarf in front of her. When she saw Rachel struggle to get up, Santana immediately helped her to her feet. "What happened? Are you ok?"
"Do you actually care?" The remark was harsher than intended. She knew the answer and she just wanted to get herself out of the situation as quickly and painlessly as possible. So she wet her face while waiting for an answer, hoping that, at least. some of the water would make her feel better.
"No." She lied. If she didn't care she wouldn't have tried to help the girl out. So, yeah, she might have cared a little. She had a heart, but she didn't want Rachel "Man Hands, Yenta" Berry to go around telling people that. Then what would happen to her reputation? "But seriously Berry, what happened? Should I get someone?"
"No!" She had to collect herself. "I mean, no, I'm fine." Finally feeling able to move, however slowly and slovenly, she started heading for the door.
"You're not. Tell me what happened. Now!" Santana demanded as she stepped in front of the exit and grabbed Rachel's wrist. She needed answers and wouldn't let Rachel leave until she got them.
"You want to know what happened?" She had to stall, buy herself some time to think of something other than, "I blacked out" or "I'm probably dehydrated from vomiting on an empty stomach." Luckily for her, she bought herself just enough time to come up with a lie that would get Santana angry enough to leave her alone. "Fine, I'll tell you what happened. I'm a klutz. I spilled some water and tripped when you were at the door. And when I heard you go on enforcing that ridiculous rumor, talking about morning sickness and whatever else you said, I decided to make you feel bad. So I pretended." That seemed mean enough. And, it seemed, however unRachel like it was, like something that would get the Lima Heights out of the girl.
"What do you mean pretended?" Her voice was angry and questioning. She didn't know whether to believe Rachel's lies and get all up in her face, or listen to her gut and know that something was off. Something had been off for a while. She just couldn't figure out what that was or when it started.
"I pretended to be unconscious to scare you." Yeah, more of that Rachel. Lie your way out of this like you lie about everything else. "To make you feel bad for everything you've ever done." Once she got started she couldn't stop. She was leaving too many clues to how tortured she really felt by them, but her filter was broken and the dams were releasing too much. "All you do is belittle me and act like an atrocious, monstrous bitch. Maybe if you thought I was dead you'd say something nice for once. And look… It worked… for a fraction of a millisecond you were nice to me, you cared about me…" Every single one of Rachel's words came out with a small bite to match the bark.
Santana heard what the girl said, the words running clear through her mind, but everything seemed so foreign. Was that really Rachel in front of her? It didn't sound like her, it barely looked like her, and she definitely didn't act like her. So what was going on? The Rachel she was used to would never do anything like that, and if she didn't let the anger over take her and her alternate personality come out, she would have said that, or, at the very least, recognized that right there and then. Instead, she looked at Rachel with one of her angry stares and penetrating eyes. She could have easily flipped a lid, but she didn't. She saw Rachel, really saw her. She looked broken and not just in that "words can hurt" kind of way, but genuinely broken. But that didn't help her anger. "You're such a bitch." Seriously, who fakes that? What did she want some more attention?
"Right, I'm the bitch."Rachel interrupted before Santana could continue. Realizing, by the stunned look on the Latina's face, that that was her opportunity to escape, she took it. Pulling her hand from Santana's increasingly tight grip, Rachel stormed out of the room. However, as soon as she opened the door, she landed smack into Brittany for the second time that day. "Sorry." Was all she said as she collected herself and walked away. She didn't make it far. No matter how much she tried to convince herself otherwise, she wasn't ok. Her head was still reeling and walking was still a challenge, so after she rounded the first corner, sure she was away from the others' view, she leaned against the wall, shut her eyes tight, and took a few deep breaths. The heart thing was a fluke. She believed that. There wasn't anything wrong. It just happened because she was dehydrated more than normal. She was stupid, and next time she'd have to be more careful and at least drink first. Once she could see straight again, she walked across the hall to a water fountain that caught her eye, and drank until she felt fine enough, not good, but fine, to walk back to the room. She wanted to get there before Santana returned. Hopefully the latter would just let it go. That was the plan anyway.
Meanwhile, Brittany entered the bathroom and looked at Santana who appeared to just be standing there. "What happened?"
"Nothing, you know me and the midget just don't see eye to eye."
"Come on S, tell me what happened."
"I don't know B, I don't know what happened." That was the truth. She had been angry when the girl was in her presence, but when she tried to storm out and everything sank in; she knew there was so much more to the story. And instead of focusing on Rachel's false provocations, she listened to the voice in her head that told her something was wrong with that girl. Damn that voice. She didn't want to care about the pipsqueak. She shouldn't care about her. She hated her. That was a fact. So she'd pretend like nothing happened… for now.
"Did the baby make her barf again? I hear they do that. They punch the mommy's belly so hard it pushes everything out." Leave it to Brittany to lighten the mood.
"No B, there's no baby." At least she figured that much out.
"But I thought there'd be a baby Rachel. How come there's not?"
"I think Quinn really did make it up." Enlightenment reigns supreme. Something was wrong with Berry, but it wasn't a baby. She was too much of a prude for that. She'd figure it out. Who knows, maybe it'd be something juicy she could use to torture the girl later on. "Did you actually have to use the bathroom or did you just miss me?"
"Mr. Schue says they're announcing the winner soon, so we have to get back."
"We all know we won. My voice was rockin' out there and everyone knows you can move like no one else." A smile took over both of their faces. The two linked pinkies and made their way back to the green room. Everyone was just lounging around. Santana immediately looked around for Rachel. She expected to see her standing in the middle of the room boasting about how wonderful she was and how her flawless voice just positively won them the competition. But she was met with the image of a worn girl, her brown locks hanging over the back of a chair she seemed to be a part of. Her body was so deep into it, it was hard to tell where one ended and the other began. Honestly, Rachel looked like she was ready to pass out, her face paler than it was before they went on stage, even paler than it was in the bathroom not five minutes earlier. Was she really faking in there? She had to question it. It really didn't seem like Rachel. But then again, did she really know Rachel?
"Rachel looks sad." Brittany whispered into Santana's ear.
"Whatever." Santana hissed. "Let's go. It looks like people are heading back to the stage."
Just then, Mr. Schuester walked into the empty space that was separating the two Cheerios from Rachel. "Time to get on the stage. We got to see if we're going to Regionals." His voice was overly cheery, yet still genuine. He was excited, almost more so than some of the students. "Come on Rachel." He urged when he didn't see her get up. Santana hung back to watch the interaction; maybe get some insight along the way. Brittany didn't even notice as she skipped her merry way to the rest of the group.
Santana watched as Rachel struggled to get up, pain etched in all her features. She watched and listened as Mr. Schue asked if she was ok after she nearly tripped. In reality, she didn't trip. Santana could see that. The girl looked like she was two seconds away from lying flat on her back in a hospital morgue. It was a morbid thought, especially after the bathroom incident, but what was the point of lying when the thoughts were just in her head? No one else could hear her.
"In response to his concern, Rachel just spouted out a generic "fine" before continuing. "I'm just clumsy today I guess. I seem to be falling a lot." That last line was said after locking eyes with Santana for the briefest of moments. Once contact was broken, Santana continued to watch and it looked like she was struggling to just watch. At one point she swore Rachel would topple over. She decided to ignore the signs in front of her and just focus on the results
Everyone was huddled up on the stage when Schue decided to give his little pep talk. "No matter how this turns out, I want you all to know how great you did. I'm proud of you, all of you."
They patiently listened as forth place was called. Then there was third and second. They finally got to first and everyone was nervous. There were three teams left and only one spot open. If they didn't place, there'd be no more competitions, no more hope of making something of themselves, and no reason to show up to practice on Monday. The thoughts were swirling through the students mind before the announcer continued. "And without further adieu, this year's Sectionals champions… McKinley High New Directions!"With the exception of Rachel who smiled and cheered just enough to play the part without raising any suspicion, the rest of them were literally jumping for joy.
"Take that Sue Sylvester." Will mumbled.
The stage was clearing and the group, for the most part, couldn't have been happier. The glee club would live to see another day and maybe, just maybe, the rest of the school would think a little better of them. Maybe a few less slushies would be thrown and a few less shoves into the lockers would be felt or a few less tosses into the dumpster would be had. They weren't holding their breath.
Soon they were backstage collecting their things to get on a bus and head back to Lima. "I am so happy for you guys. You were amazing out there and you deserved this win." Shelby said as she made her entrance.
A bunch of "Thanks Ms. Corcoran"s could be heard around the room. Everyone was happy about their victory. Not only did it mean they were one step closer to New York, but it meant they still had the one thing about school that made them want to come in everyday. They still had their sanctuary.
"Come on guys. Let's get home so we can all celebrate this properly." They'd be heading to Breadstix once back in Lima. It seemed an appropriate location for a celebration dinner. They all agreed.
As they were exiting the building, Shelby finally caught up with Rachel. She wanted to believe her daughter wasn't avoiding her, but it honestly seemed as if she were. Walking alongside Rachel, she resisted the urge to wrap her arms around the girl, opting instead to nudge her slightly, a smile plastered on her face, "I love watching you perform. You are always extraordinary out there. Today was no exception. You lit up that stage."
"Yeah, right, thanks." She said aloud. In her mind she was saying something more along the lines of, "Yeah, right, because my stumble during the solo's chorus and the slight pitchiness to my voice was very graceful. And I'm sure the audience loved to watch and make fun of the fat whale prancing around the stage as they discussed what a whore everyone said she was. Oh, by the way, did you hear I'm pregnant? Congratulations, you're not a grandma." The thoughts grew darker than that, but she didn't want to say them out loud, especially not to Shelby. So instead of chancing it, she walked a little faster and got onto the bus before Shelby could say anything more. Upon entering, she found an empty seat just far enough away that she could be alone with her thoughts and not attract any undue attention.
The entire group took up several adjoining tables at their favorite restaurant, talking and laughing and overall enjoying themselves… except for Rachel. Santana had been watching her closely all day. Rachel remained oblivious to it. Whether they were or not, she always felt like all eyes were on her and not in the good way. They were all just looking to find one more thing to mess with her about.
Rachel, on the other hand, watched everyone else. She watched in envy as they all dug into their food without any second thoughts. They didn't care about how many calories they were consuming or just how much time on the elliptical it would take to burn it away. They didn't think about the necessary escape routes to the bathroom, or if that wasn't available, any place private to release the toxins that she was putting into her body. No, that was just her.
"Rachel, honey," Shelby started, "aren't you going to eat your food? You haven't touched it." She rolled her eyes and took a tiny bite.
"Better? I took a bite." Her voice was sarcastic and a little condescending. She didn't want Shelby to care about her eating habits. That might mean she cared and then Rachel would care back.
"Great." She said as Shelby went back to her conversation with Will controlling herself, trying not to say something so much like her own mother that Rachel would throw the fit that she knew was waiting inside of her daughter, building like a volcano waiting to erupt. Rachel went back to watching as everyone else finished with their food, some of them even going for dessert. And while she was watching them, Santana was back to watching her. She saw Rachel gazing about as she cut her food into tiny pieces. That wasn't a normal habit. She continued to watch as the girl pushed around the food making it look like more was eaten than actually was. She was so busy watching that she didn't hear most of the other kids get up and say their goodbyes to Schue and Shelby. Apparently it was getting late, and they had a party to go to, a party Santana should've been going to as well. She didn't know how long she was watching, and she would've kept watching if not for the voice that pulled her from her sleuthing.
"Are you girls almost done?" Shelby asked, finally getting Santana to see that she, along with Rachel and Brittany, were the only students left at the table. "Mr. Schuester and I are going to go pay the bill. If you're not finished, you don't have to rush. We just want to settle the check."
"Thanks Ms. Corcoran, but I'm done." Santana said, yet to take her eyes off of Rachel as she watched the girl polish off the rest of her food like her survival depended on it. It was slightly disturbing. Usually, Rachel was much more discreet about it, but after the day she had, she just had to eat. She'd throw it up anyway. That was a given, but she had to eat it all.
"Me too." Brittany added.
"I'm done as well. I'm going to meet you by the car." Her words were rushed like she was panicking. And she was. She had to get the food out of her as quickly as possible, but she didn't want anyone to know that.
"Ok." Shelby said before turning to the other girls. "I'll see you at school on Monday." They both nodded. "Here are the keys." She handed them to Rachel before joining Will to pay the bill.
Rachel spit out her goodbyes to Brittany and Santana before practically running in the opposite direction of the car park. She was heading to the bathroom. Santana now had a few theories about Rachel running through her mind, none of which included pregnancy. All she needed was some confirmation. "Brittany, meet me at the car. Ok?"
"Ok, see you soon San." Her bubbly personality and absolute obliviousness was always a beautiful thing to see for the Latina. But instead of dwelling on it, she was on a mission. She quickly got up to follow Rachel. No surprise at all, she was led straight to the ladies room. When she walked in she heard the distinct sounds of gagging and splashing as the stomach contents made contact with the toilet water. Yup, there was something wrong with Rachel alright.
The cutting of food, the pushing around of food, the sudden disappearing of all things food… She knew those signs. Her suspicions were now firm. After watching Rachel all day she didn't know how she didn't see it before. She always left lunch early, quickly after eating. She remembered because Rachel would always make an annoying exit. The girl was making herself sick. She was sick, in the head…
And after witnessing the event herself, Santana knew for sure what was going on. The only question left was what to do. Should she tell everyone… anyone? At the very least she should tell some of the other glee kids, maybe the ones who actually gave a damn. She never thought she'd include herself in that group, but she really didn't have a choice. Whether she liked the girl or not, she didn't want to see her going through this. It wasn't right. And she couldn't ignore it now that she knew. That would just make things worse. She reminded herself to kill Quinn for spreading that stupid rumor and getting her involved in anything Diva related. Now she had to do something. So as she waited for Rachel to finish up, she sent a text to a few of the other glee members.
I think we've gots a problem. It's about Rachel. Meet me at Brit's in an hour.
First, Happy 17th birthday to ! I ignored my other story for you so you better like it. No, I'm kidding of course. But I hope your birthday was/is amazing and thank you for reading.
As always, I apologize for any mistakes in Grammar or spelling. It happens…
This is both a plot point chapter and a little bit of a transition. Santana knows now. What's going to happen? What will she tell the rest of them? There's still much more to come. Next chapter should be up sometime during the week. Tomorrow I'll be with family and Monday I have to finish the chapter for my other story, since I neglected it for this, but after that, I'll get on this. Well, until next time…
I want to say that I'm so grateful for all of the wonderful comments. Thank you to everyone who reviewed, favorited, and/or added this to their alerts. Don't be afraid to tell me what you think or if there's anything you'd like to see happen.