Chapter 16: The Knowledge from Facing the Facts
Rachel, still unaware of the lingering presence loitering outside the stalls, continued with her rituals. She wasn't done until she was empty and vile free. Once wasn't enough. It all had to be gone. Any trace of the sustenance most craved would act like a poison to her body. She couldn't allow that. Not even the crumbs could stay. The empty feeling that came after the release was always so much better than the full feeling that came from a binge. That was the way it worked; the way it had to be done.
After a few rounds, she finally felt void of all nourishment. At least, she felt that enough of the toxin had been evacuated that she could function normally. Finally, the rush of endorphins she had been seeking since before her earlier, rather unsatisfying, bathroom rendezvous had overtaken her body. The floating feeling she longed for was there just as she anticipated, and it felt like nothing could ruin it for her. Or so she thought…
Once finished wiping her mouth of any residue and flushing the toilet, Rachel left the stall with a contented grin on her face. She was living on such a high that she didn't notice the extra body watching her every move. If she bothered to look she would have seen a less than happy looking Santana leaning against the tiled wall, hands crossed over her chest, and staring intently like she might miss something. But, she remained oblivious, instead walking to the sinks, washing her hands and taking the mouthwash from her bag. She'd brush her teeth when she returned to Shelby's. When she looked in the mirror, she heard something, someone clear their throat, and without looking, she knew she'd been caught. She didn't know who, but she knew the jig was up.
"That was disgusting." Santana… Rachel stopped. Everything stopped. Her heart wasn't beating. Her lungs no longer breathed air. Everything but the thoughts racing in her mind came to an extreme standstill. What to do, what to do? How to get out of it? Could she run? No, Santana was in the way of that. Could she lie? She could at least try. She had to try.
"Have you been standing there long?" She had yet to look at her. Her gaze remained focused on the reflection in the mirror.
"Long enough…" Santana, cautiously, started to edge her way closer to Rachel. "So you're not pregnant?" She knew that Rachel wasn't, but it seemed like as good an ice breaker as any. At least there was some sort of segue to fill the forthcoming awkwardness. To Rachel, though, it was the spurring of an idea. She couldn't let her secret get out. She would die if it got out. She would die if she had to stop. And even if she didn't die, she'd at least go insane. What would she do? She'd be miserable all the time. She'd hate herself more than she already did. All she knew in that moment was that if she wanted to make it out of that room with her secrets intact, then she had to think fast.
"So what if I was? What would it matter to you? It's not like you'd care." Her walls were up and her guard on full alert. Whether it was a good idea or not, she was doing it. A part of her knew, however, that Santana wouldn't buy it. She was convincing and oddly believable when acting, but there was no merit to her façade this time. But this time the veil was very thin. Her words wouldn't ring true to even the most inexperienced viewers. If she weren't so intent on keeping up appearances she would've chastised herself for a subpar performance. It was just another thing to add to her long list of failures.
"How do you know I wouldn't care?"
"Because, you've made it clear that you don't care about me or my life on more than one occasion. I don't see why that's change now." Rachel squeezed her fists in tight balls, on gripping her purse so tight she thought it might rip into tiny little shreds. It was the only thing she could do to keep from exploding. And she wanted to explode. But that would give Santana what she wanted and it would out the secret she was fighting to keep. So she had to control herself the best she could. Everything about that day was just messing with her high.
Santana didn't know how to respond. What she said was true. She made it clear she didn't care, but that didn't mean that she actually didn't care. Did it? Deep down she did care, but she didn't want anyone to know that. That would ruin her reputation. "And what if I did care?"
"But you don't!" She was unraveling. She could feel it, yet she couldn't stop it. The only hope she had to preserve her secrets was to run and run fast. But was that really an option? "No one does! So take your fake concern and leave me alone! Just leave me alone!" Santana could sense the desperation in her voice, and it hearing the gags wasn't evidence enough, hearing that was. So, when Rachel tried to sneak past her, doing her best to slip through the tiny space between the wall and the Latina, Santana's arm shot up to block the way. It startled Rachel. All she wanted to do was escape, to crawl into her room and write in her journal, maybe write another song on the blank pages that have quickly been filled with her misery. Why couldn't Santana just let her do that? "What is your problem?" Rachel yelled as the shock as she ran into the arm caused her to recoil, nearly knocking her to the ground.
If nothing else, Rachel was persistent. She tried to get by the blockade that was Santana only to be met with the same brick wall. Instead of saying anything, she just huffed and leaned against the Cheerio's arm. Not once did she look over at Santana. Only through her periphery did she see that Santana was doing the same. For a few silent seconds the tension built up, an eerie feeling settling, waiting for someone to say something. Finally, after what felt like an excruciatingly long time, Santana decided to speak up. This time she looked at Rachel, really looked at her, and, although, Rachel wouldn't look at her, she continued to stare intently. "I know you're not pregnant."
"And how would you know that?" Rachel's resolve was crumbling. She knew, Santana knew, and soon the school would know too. She'd be the school's freak with issues even more so than she already was. She didn't know if she could take that. How much of a social leper could one be before the noose around their neck becomes too tight to breath? Rachel's was already cutting off some of her oxygen supply.
"I just know." Her voice was oddly calm and, in an attempt to be soothing and non threatening, kind. "I also know what you were really doing in here, what you do every day. I've been watching you…" That caused Rachel to snap a little more.
"So what? You're stalking me now?" There was anger shooting out, anything to deflect the real topic, the issue Santana was slowly inkling toward.
"If I was stalking you, I would've figured it out sooner. The bathroom trips, Quinn caught you puking, I caught you puking, one second you eat nothing, next second your plate's empty, and…" It was like reality was fully hitting her. She knew the fall in the bathroom and the prank to get some sort of reaction was all a lie, but what she couldn't figure out was why. What would there be to cover up if she really did fall? But the pieces were fitting together. "Rachel," she said sternly, "you blacked out. You need help."
Rachel could hear the concern in Santana's voice. The sheer sincerity of it was what really made her doubt it. It just rang false in a Santana kind of way, and Rachel didn't know how else to perceive it. It wasn't like she had much to base it on. All she ever got from Santana before were insults and a few passing words, nothing of substance. "I don't need help. There's nothing wrong with me." The conviction in her voice was enough to let Santana know that there was definitely more to hide and that just made her worry. "But if I did need help, you wouldn't be the one to help me. Now, pretend this never happened. There was no conversation, there were no stalking observations, there's nothing. I'm fine and that's all you know. That's all anyone needs to know." She paused for a moment, letting her words sink in, before turning towards Santana, for the first time since the confrontation began, this time looking her in the eyes. She needed to reaffirm her words and let her know how serious she was. "Now if you'll please excuse me…" She pushed Santana's hand down, finally freeing the area and allowing safe passage. "Shelby's waiting. Just remember what I said." And she left.
Santana was a little confused. She let the girl walk all over her and she didn't know why. Why hadn't she snapped back? That's what she'd normally do. But were the circumstances anywhere near normal? She didn't think so. And, while she'd never admit it, she hated that she may have added to Rachel's problems. She knew, logically, it wasn't her fault that Rachel was doing that to herself, but she was sure the torture that was their tumultuous friendship didn't help matters any. She had to take a minute to think about what Rachel said. Obviously Man Hands was in denial… No, not Man Hands, Rachel. Obviously Rachel was in denial. But, even so, was it anybody else's business? Maybe she should see just how bad things were before she went and told all their friends. It really wasn't theirs to know. It wasn't even hers, but now that she knew, she couldn't ignore it. But she had a plan. It was spotty at best, but it would get people aware of the growing situation without her actually telling them. And if Santana was right, they'd all need to keep a closer eye on her because things were only going to get worse before they got better. And if the real Rachel was in there anywhere, that worse would be a real show stopping number.
First thing first, she had to deal with the current predicament. She already sent out the text and when she looked at her phone she realized they'd obviously been intrigued. So she'd have to tell them something. She already had a good idea of what to say, but she'd iron it out once she got to Brittany's. Right then, she just needed to make sure her message was received. And
What's wrong with my Diva? I'll be there. Is it serious? Yup, she got his mind racing. Kurt never told anyone about his slightly volatile tête-à-tête with Rachel, but everyone could tell his relationship with Rachel was just as strained as the rest of theirs. So, it was nice to know he still cared about Rachel and it made Santana feel that her little plan could actually get the desired results.
What's up with Berry that got you caring? She wasn't sure if she should've told Puck. But, except for recently when Rachel basically avoided them all, they seemed to be friendlier with each other. If she didn't know any better she'd think Puck was on one of his missions trying to bed the prudest of them all. The point was that he seemed to care and he'd want to look after the girl's best interest. If not, at least he'd be in the same boat; knowing but not knowing what to do with it.
Last, but not least, was Mercedes. Is the Diva throwing another tantrum. See you there. So Mercedes was a bit of a stretch, but even with all the bickering, the two seemed to be a very different set of friends. They argued about solos and who had the better voice, but at the end of the day they seemed to have each others' backs and that was more than could be said for Rachel and the rest of the glee club. So Santana didn't bother with them. She did think about sending the text to Finn too, but they didn't really end things on great terms and after his outburst over the pregnancy rumor, Santana knew having him there wouldn't help anyone, least of all Rachel.
None of that mattered though. That was the past and the present had a very real threat. Who knew what else Rachel was doing to herself? She obviously has been making herself throw up, but what else? Was she doing the normal tricks? That was what she needed to figure out. That and how long this had been going on. The longer she'd been doing it, the more likely she'd have some serious health issues. Everything was just really a big mess. But Santana had to push that aside for a while and focus on filling Brittany in. After all, everyone would be showing up at her house soon.
As Santana went over her ideas and everything about her second run in with Rachel, Rachel made her way out to the parking lot. She was hoping she'd still beat Shelby to the car by leaving through the side entrance, but luck wouldn't have it. Shelby was leaning against the car looking a little irritated while talking to Will. Rachel quietly tried to make her way to the car but Shelby saw her in her final steps. "Where have you been? I was worried and I tried to call." Rachel didn't think she was worried. It was more like she was annoyed and didn't want to wait around for Rachel to the car. She thought that if Shelby didn't give her the keys, she would've sped away and left Rachel in the dust. Who wouldn't do that?
"I'm sorry. I spilled something on my hands and wanted to wash up before I got in the car. I must've been longer than I thought."
"That's ok, let's go." Shelby held out her hand and Rachel gladly gave her the keys. "Bye Will."
"Bye Shelby. Bye Rachel. See you Monday."
"Bye Mr. Schuester." Rachel returned as she got into the car and strapped on her seatbelt.
About halfway home, Shelby broke the silence that took over. "You know, for someone who just won Sectionals, you don't look too happy." She wasn't happy, but she threw on a weary smile and turned to face Shelby.
"I am happy. Just tired, that's all." It wasn't a total lie. She was tired. She just wasn't happy. How could she be happy? The world as she knew it was threatening to collapse. People were snooping and trying to unveil her deepest secrets that she thought she buried so deep in the crevices of her mind that no one could find them. Apparently not… Santana and Quinn caught her in one of her private moments. Somewhere along the line she got sloppy and she deserved to be punished for it. She just didn't know how she'd do it yet. All she did know was that her secrets needed to stay hidden at any cost. They were her secrets and no one else needed to know them.
As soon as she got home, Rachel ran directly to her room and began pacing. She went over every detail of the past few weeks looking for any detail or any indication that she was being transparent. Quinn jumped to conclusions, obviously wrong conclusions. But Santana saw through that, saw through her. She saw the lies and ran right into the answer. How could she let that happen? How could she be so stupid? So reckless? So dumb? So ugly? So fat? So undisciplined? One thought led to another and then another until she spent over an hour pacing and disparaging herself.
Luckily for Rachel, Shelby came knocking and pulled her from her tangent. She was worried Shelby would yell at her for the incessant walking about, or, worse, that she knew too. And, while that was improbable, Rachel wasn't going to rule anything out; especially not after the day she had. Seriously, she was caught twice that day… by the same person no less. "Come in."
"What were you doing up here? For the last hour all I heard was the floor boards creaking." She couldn't tell the truth. What would she say? "I was worrying myself sick, afraid that everything I know, the only stability in my life, has been discovered and taken away."
"I'm sorry." She thought this excuse would work better. "I was practicing a move for my dance class tomorrow. I've been having trouble with it and always land wrong. I just wanted it to be perfect tomorrow because the instructors will be watching to start picking who they'd like to see in certain parts for the recital. Auditions are coming up soon." Well, at least she didn't have to lie. She may not have been practicing the actual move, but it was on her mind. She had a lot on her mind a whole lot more than she cared to share.
"Do you need any help? I used to be a good dancer in my day." A smile lit up her face and Rachel felt herself soften. She didn't want to be such a bitch to her mother, but she just couldn't seem to stoop it.
"While I thoroughly appreciate the offer and have no doubt that you were once, and probably remain, an excellent dancer, I am going to have to decline. I think I'm just going to call it a night."
"If you're sure."
"I'm sure. Thank you though."
"If you ever change your mind, just know that I'm always here… for anything." Yeah… right. "How about you join me downstairs. Beth's asleep and while I was looking through some old boxes in my study I found something I know you'd like to see."
"What is it?" She was curious. Even if she wasn't really interested, at least she would be distracted for a little while.
"Come and see for yourself." Shelby left on that rather ominous note. Rachel stayed behind for a little while, trying to decide what to do. She could stay there and drive herself crazy, something she wanted to do just to figure things out. How could things suddenly be so much more complicated? The other option was to go spend time with Shelby. She wasn't too keen on the idea, but her head was pounding, she felt like crap, and she needed some time out of her head or she'd never figure anything out. So she opted for the latter and made her way to the living room.
"So what is it exactly that you thought I'd like to see?" She asked as she approached the couch that Shelby was cuddled up on.
"Sit. I'll show you." Rachel complied, slowly making her way to the farthest edge of the sofa. It wasn't exactly the mother daughter moment Shelby was looking for, but at least they were doing something together and she got her daughter out of her room. That was a step in the right direction. While she's much rather have Rachel cuddling under the blanket with her, she'd have to settle. Maybe next time they'd get a little closer.
Shelby hit play and the sounds of home movies filled the room. She wanted Rachel to see just how much they had in common and what better way to do that than to show her a tape of her own mother performing on stage? Shelby thought it'd be good for them, a real bonding experience to give them some familiar ground. Contently, she watched her daughter immerse herself into the show, leaning deep into the couch as the voice of her younger self took over the room. Rachel looked, calm and, dare she say it, happy. It was the first time it looked completely genuine since she got there. On the outside, Rachel's demeanor was the perfect portrait of genuine happiness, but inside the thick headed skull of hers, she remained deep in thought thinking about the day, thinking about her secrets, even thinking about Shelby.
And as she sat there with Shelby watching her mother's memories play out on screen, Rachel felt like they could have a real relationship. Maybe, just maybe things would work out as long as she tried. She felt like, in a weird way, in an unconventional way, she was loved, but then she heard it. She heard Quinn's words haunt her yet again. "… but at least I have a mom who loves me. My mom doesn't pity me and take care of me just because my other parents died. Your fathers probably killed themselves just to get away from you. God knows no one else can stand you. They probably couldn't look at your disgusting face anymore. How long will it be before Shelby leaves you too?" Again, how long until she leaves her again? There was no way she could let herself get attached. It would just make things worse because everything Quinn said that day, at least in regards to her fathers, Shelby, and how fat she was, was true. What she was feeling there with Shelby was just what she wanted to feel. It was all a lie. She wanted to be loved. She wanted someone to care about her. She was projecting that onto Shelby, imagining things where they didn't exist.
It was in those lingering moments, where her internal fight was on overdrive, that Rachel realized what she had to do. She had to face the facts. She hadn't been doing her job. She was sloppy and stupid and careless and whatever else there was to describe her. But not anymore. She let too many people see behind the wall, and that wall was there for a reason. She needed to protect herself and everything she built from everyone else. And her stupidity was threatening it. So she had to be more careful and play her part better. There was no more being silent in class. She needed to participate, not because she wanted to, but because she needed to keep up appearances. There would be no more ignoring Shelby and Beth. She needed to play the perfect daughter and sister whether she wanted to or not. There would be no more spontaneous outbursts. She would control her temper and keep her feelings bottled up or keep them private in her journal. Her secret was out there. It was vulnerable and that just wasn't allowed. She needed to hone those acting skills and throw suspicion to the wind. No one would ever think what Santana knew to be true, was true. Then everything would be ruined and Rachel didn't have much left. Everything she ever cared about was dead, gone, or just didn't care back. Even glee didn't make her happy that much anymore, but she couldn't give that up. She couldn't give anything up. She needed to be perfect. And if she had to do things she didn't like or put on a happy front to keep the one thing that made her actually happy, then she'd do it. Because those were the facts of life. Sometimes you just have to do things you'd rather not. So being perfect on the outside was her resolution, was her cross to bear and she'd do it, even if it killed her. And it just might, just not for the reasons she'd like to believe.
A few streets over, while Rachel was coming to all her realizations, Santana and Brittany were waiting for the group to arrive. Santana tried to explain everything to Brittany, but she really didn't understand. She wasn't stupid, she just only saw the good in people and things, so she didn't quite grasp that there was a potentially serious situation brewing. That's why Santana didn't go into all the details about Rachel. It was better left vague, at least for the time being. Their conversation was, well, not very informative.
"So we're having a party?" Brittany asked.
"No, remember I said that we were going to have a few people over to talk about Rachel?"
"But isn't it mean to talk about people behind their back. I mean we do it all the time, but Rachel's always nice to me. I don't want to hurt her feelings."
"No B, we're not going to hurt her. We're going to help her. I told you I think something's wrong with her."
"Oh, ok. Should we watch a movie then?"
Santana couldn't help but let out a small laugh. If it wasn't so adorable she would be mad that Brit just wasn't getting it. "We'll see. Let's just wait for everyone to get here."
"Ok." Their conversation continued mindlessly as they waited for everyone to arrive. It didn't take long. First to arrive was Puck. Brittany answered the door and went to usher him to her room when the doorbell went off again and Kurt had also arrived. The three headed up to Santana while they waited for Mercedes.
"So what's this all about? You said there was a problem with my best diva. So what is it? Is she ok?"
"Calm down Kurt. I'll explain everything as soon as Mercedes comes." There was a slight panic in his voice. At least someone else was worried. It relieved some of the pressure Santana was feeling.
"S, at least give me a clue. Is it something serious?"
"I don't know." He didn't like the sound of defeat in her voice. If it was bad enough to get Santana to care and, by the sounds of it, worry about a girl she continually harassed over the years, then it had to be pretty bad. But what could it be? But before he had a chance to ask the question that was just sitting on the tip of his tongue, the loud roars of one Mercedes Jones took over the room.
"This better be some hot topic or some juicy gossip. I left my boyfriend's party for this so it better be worth my time." She said as she entered the room, Brit not far behind.
After shooting Mercedes a look, Puck spoke up. He really wanted to know what was going on with Rachel and he really didn't like the way Mercedes just blew it off. All she wanted was gossip and she was worried because she was missing a dime a dozen party? Really? Some friend she is. "Now that everyone's here will you tell us what's going on?" He pulled out his phone and read off the text he'd received. "I mean, 'I think we've gots a problem. It's about Rachel. Meet me at Brit's in an hour.' That doesn't tell us much." Santana was a little surprised by the concern and care she detected in his voice. She hadn't pegged him for a Berry lover. She obviously made the right call bringing him in on it. There was something there, but she'd get that story from him later.
"We all need to keep an eye on Rachel." Everyone, even Brittany who she'd already explained everything to, gave her a curious look. Mercedes let out a non-humorous laugh before chiming in.
"And why would we do that? The Diva has been on one of her 'better than you' trips for the past, I don't know, for as long as I'd known her."
"You knew this was about Rachel." Puck spoke up, saying what the others were thinking. "So, if you don't care about her, then why are you here? Isn't she supposed to be your friend?"Puck was a little angry. Santana called them all over for a reason. She tells them they need to watch out for her, but other than that she was completely vague. It was frustrating because he wanted to know more and because he didn't know why he wanted to know more. It really wasn't like him to care in the way he did, he had no reason to, but he knew to keep his cool. He had a reputation, and he didn't want to hear all about his weirdness if Santana caught on.
"He makes a good point Mercedes." Kurt added, noting the slightly annoyed look on Santana's face and the complete obliviousness on Brittany's.
"Whatever. Santana, just tell us what's going on with Rachel so we can all get out of here and back to our own lives." Her tone was softened. They were right. Rachel was her friend, she was just annoyed. She was in the middle of a make out session with her boyfriend when she got the text. And she could've not come, but she was curious, and she really did care. They would all be lost without Rachel, whether they realized that or not, and she wanted to know what was going on. If she could help, that was all the better.
"I think she's hiding something, and yes. I think it might be serious." All eyes snapped in her direction, all looking for some sort of concrete answers before they went on a fishing expedition. They were all dying to know more, to hear what was so serious, but Santana wouldn't give them the chance to ask, not yet. Instead, she held up a hand and told them, to let her finish as she gave them minute details that still didn't give them any clue as to what was actually wrong with Rachel.
"You haven't told us anything Santana. After all that babble, all we got was that Rachel's hiding something serious. But what is it?" Kurt asked. He needed those answers.
"I'm not sure what it is exactly. I know she's not pregnant. We all know that. She made that clear, but she needs our help. We need to watch out for her, keep track of her and what she does. If I'm right, this could get bad fast and we need to help her and be there for her."
"What do you mean 'if you're right'? You said you didn't know. So what aren't you telling us?" She really blew that one. She was going to have to tell them something now. But she still didn't know what to tell them, so she'd have to think fast.
This would have been up sooner, but my friend and I took an impromptu trip to New York the other day and then I got roped into babysitting over night. But it's up now, so there's that.
As always, I apologize for any mistakes in Grammar or spelling. It happens…
Next chapter should be up sometime this weekend. I put my other story on hiatus because writing this has become like a drug. Even if I'm busy I have to write just a little bit to get my fix. I tend to get like that when it comes to writing. I wasn't sure about this chapter though. It's not perfect, but it gets the point across. Santana knows and she wants to help Rachel, but she doesn't know just how bad Rachel needs her help or even how to help. I hope you all enjoy. Well, until next time…
I want to say that I'm so grateful for all of the wonderful comments. Thank you to everyone who reviewed, favorited, and/or added this to their alerts. Don't be afraid to tell me what you think or if there's anything you'd like to see happen.