Chapter 17: Giving in to Temptation
Rachel practiced her acting all weekend. Of course nothing changed, but her reality was different than the reality of the rest of the world. To her nothing changed, but to the rest of them, she would be back to the old Rachel. They wanted the perfect, bubbly, overly bossy, drama queen Rachel. She didn't know when exactly she stopped being that or when she stopped projecting that image, but she sure as hell was bringing her back. Like a vampire, the old Rachel would rise again, minus the blood sucking of course. The Broadway was coming back, and she was ready.
After sectionals and the home videos with Shelby, she began her biggest acting challenge to date. Rachel made breakfast for the "family" Sunday morning. With the exception of the three hours she spent at the dance studio, she played with Beth all day, making sure Shelby saw every now and then. That part wasn't so much of a lie like the rest of it. She didn't mind being around the toddler. She couldn't talk back, not in any way that would hurt Rachel. She couldn't degrade her or purposefully make Rachel feel worse about herself. That's not to say that she didn't do that naturally, because she did, but it wasn't her fault. Rachel was still stuck on the fact that she was the replacement baby. She'd forever and always be the better, newer model. That really isn't an easy thing to get over. And it hurt even more because Beth was already prettier than she was; she'd probably be smarter too. To top it off, with Quinn and Puck as her biological parents and Shelby raising her, she promised to be more talented than Rachel ever had a chance to be. That one might hurt her the most. Talent was all she had and she was doubting she even had that. But the point was, beyond all of that, she cared about Beth. Beth was her sister after all. Even with that acknowledgement, though, she didn't know if she could accept Shelby as her mother, as her mom. She dreamed of that growing up, but she couldn't let herself be hurt anymore, especially by that woman. Her heart, body, and mind were so full of pain already that she didn't think she could survive one more let down or one more loss of any kind. And she knew, especially after everything that already happened, that the life she had or would have with Shelby would never be anything like that day dreams she had with the statue at the park. So she'd try her best with Shelby. She'd be the perfect daughter, the one Shelby wished she was, but that was the extent of it. Once she was old enough, once she had graduated, then she'd be done. She'd run away to New York and never look back. There'd be nothing left for her there.
But come Monday, the feel around the house was lighter than normal. Obviously the act was working. Shelby felt like they were really moving forward as a family. They were no longer a forced arrangement brought on by unforeseen circumstances, but a single mother living with her two daughters. Rachel was no longer a guest in her house but a part of their home. If she knew it was all an act, she'd be devastated. She actually thought she had the daughter she gave up when, in reality, she only had the belief. She had the shell that Rachel had become; the tiny, fragile, unstable shell that she was. Rachel, however, was living day to day, second to second really. And, quite frankly, at the time, she really didn't care.
"You're not walking to school today." Shelby told her daughter, "It's raining and we've been getting along. So let's not ruin that by arguing."
"Is this your own way of telling me I'm riding to school with you today?" Rachel perkily asked with the perfect hint of a smile on her face.
"Yes, I will be driving you to and from school today."
"Then let's go." Shelby was surprised by the lack of argument. Rachel learned when to pick her battles. Or maybe it was just the rain. Either way, she was grateful for the quiet morning. Beth was with the sitter and Rachel seemed to be in a good mood. What more could she ask for?
When they arrived at the school, Rachel quickly escaped Shelby and headed into the building. Even before opening the doors it was like all eyes were on her. Instantly, she felt watched. Santana told. She didn't know what she told or how much, but she told. It was going to be a long day, an even longer week. If she wasn't paranoid and insecure before, she definitely was then.
"Hey Diva." She wasn't surprised he was the first to approach her. She expected nothing less. That's not true. Even though he was her friend, as much as anyone could be her friend, she half expected him to just ignore whatever Santana told him. She was sure she told him something.
"Hello Kurt. How are you today?" She asked still keeping up appearances. She didn't want to let on that she knew that he might know, and she didn't want to give him any sort of confirmation that whatever he knew was indeed true. That would ruin whatever progress she was making.
"Still living off the high of winning Sectionals, you?"
"I have never been better Kurt." He highly doubted that. Thoughts of just outright asking what was wrong with her, what she was doing to herself that had even Santana worried, crossed his mind, but he knew that wouldn't get him the answer he wanted.
"How come you didn't come with us to the party after we left the restaurant?"
"I had an early dance class the next morning. Parts for the recital will be picked soon and I need to be well rested to prove that I'm good enough."
"You are good enough." If only she believed it too. Clearly, she didn't.
"Thanks." She spat out. Closing her locker she turned to Kurt and said, "I'll see you in class Kurt. If I don't get to English my mother will probably ground me for life."
"Bye Rach." As she walked away she could feel him watching, staring to see if there were any telltale signs that something was terribly wrong. She hoped there weren't. There was nothing wrong, not that she could see. What she was doing wasn't wrong. Nothing that could make her feel so much better could ever be wrong. It was right to her no matter what anyone else said.
She was early to English, happy for the few moments of silence to collect her thoughts. It had only been about twenty four hours of hard core acting and she was more exhausted than any of her workouts ever made her. She was emotionally drained and it only just begun. But, like every other obstacle she ever faced, she'd get through it. She had to. What other choices did she have?
She sat at her desk and looked around the room. It was a peaceful empty. For the five or so minutes before class began she could drop the façade, she could frown and be unhappy, she could feel all that she was feeling, all that she was neglecting, and she could let it all out. There were many ways to do that, many of which weren't acceptable to do in the middle of room 110 in the English hallway, but she could journal. As mundane as it seemed, it kept her as close to sane as her own sanity would allow. Her uncensored thoughts filled entire pages in seconds. Most of it was ranting. Some of it was the beginnings of new songs that were floating in her discombobulated mind. It was the only release she could get at the time, and she'd take it whatever way she could get it. Her release was short lived, like it usually was. Puck, looking almost frantic, came barreling into the room and rushing to take the seat next to her like someone else might beat him to it. Right, because so many people were killing to be anywhere near her.
"There you are Berry. Kurt said I could find you here. You do realize you have time to waste before our drill sergeant of a teacher even shows right?"
"That drill sergeant is my mother Noah. And yes, I am aware. Are you aware that just by looking for me you are also early to class? Why were you looking for me anyway?" She was sure she knew the answer, but she was also sure he wouldn't be straightforward about it and whatever lie he came up with promised to be entertaining.
"I know I'm early. If I want to get out of this crap town I need to get some sort of scholarship out of here. So I was looking for you so you could let me copy your homework." He lied almost as well as she did, but the experience taught her to spot the lie. She knew he finished the homework. She knew, not only because she saw him working on it, but for the same reason he gave to copy it. He wanted a life outside of Lima just like the rest of them. If that meant putting in some sort of effort, then he'd do it. But she'd play along anyway.
"Well Noah, I'm afraid you're going to have to complete the work on your own. I have already turned it in to drill sergeant Corcoran. However, we have time if you'd like some help." At least that one was the truth.
"Nah, I got it. But you're talking to me again."
"Yes Noah. I do believe this qualifies as talking." She said sarcastically.
"Does this mean you forgive me for the things I said? Because I am sorry you know." She knew it was hard for those words to leave his mouth. She knew he was capable of feeling it, more than capable actually, but sorry was never an easy thing to say for anyone. No one likes to be wrong. People like admitting it even less.
"I do know, and yes. I forgive you." She had to forgive everyone, or at least pretend to, if she wanted to keep up the false pretenses. Things needed to be back to the perfect normal. That included everyone in glee club; tormentors and friends alike.
"Well it's about damn time Rachel." He spent the rest of class keeping an eye on her. He tried his best to go about it all inconspicuously, but a part of him knew she knew he was watching. He had his own ideas about what was going on with Rachel, but he really just chalked it up to finally being sick of what everyone says about her. Then Santana started caring and he had no idea both how right and how wrong he really was.
The rest of the day was spent avoiding food and the bathroom at all costs. It was a hard task indeed, but Rachel could feel Santana wherever she went. Santana may not have been in all her classes, but she sure seemed to show up a lot. It really unnerved Rachel when she was headed to the bathroom and Santana followed closely behind her. Keeping everything in without the release she craved made her feel like she was going to implode. Her resolve was fading and if she didn't get a handle on it soon the walls would crumble more than they had already.
Rachel really wanted to get back into the swing of things. To keep the image everyone wanted and expected of her, she had to do what people wanted. That was what she did. She apologized to the glee club for her outburst and for quitting. She even asked Kurt to hangout Tuesday after Glee. Shelby willingly let her go out too. She was just happy to see Rachel doing normal teenaged things. But that made things worse. Hanging out with Kurt made things worse. She couldn't eat in front of him without an anxiety that made her feel on the verge of a full blown panic attack. It was the mall incident all over again. She played with her food for a while before Kurt questioned her about it. Then she practically engulfed it all in one bite. And then she literally ran off to the bathroom, completely unable to stop herself even though she was pretty sure he'd follow her. She really wasn't thinking too clearly. The only thing on her mind was the fastest route to get every drop of the fat inducing poison out of her system. It didn't really occur to her how suspicious he already was and how she was just giving more and more validation to the claims as the days passed by. She didn't even care if there were people in the bathroom that time. She just ran to a stall, dropped to her knees, and let it all out. There'd be no leaving until everything was out. She needed to feel the rush.
After taking a moment to really feel the high, she walked over to the sinks and washed up a bit. She finally took a moment to look around. If anyone was in there while she threw up, they weren't there when she was done. She should've been grateful for that. But when she left the restroom, she found Kurt leaning against the wall nearby.
"Rachel!" He walked over to her as she exited. The concern was written all over his face. She just may have messed up. "Are you ok?"
"Of course, I'm fine. Why wouldn't I be?"The false sincerity oozed from her pores. It was obvious he knew something. It had been obvious since Monday morning, but she chose to ignore it. No one was saying anything. So they either agreed with her that it was perfectly normal or were so repulsed by her that they didn't care enough to bring it up. She was fine with whatever the case may be.
"Some of the women that came out were saying that someone was throwing up it there. They seemed disgusted." He was easing into the real issue. He knew flat out asking would get him nowhere. As outspoken as Rachel used to be and as open with her feelings as she was, she wasn't that girl any more. And he was honestly starting to question whether she ever was.
"I know. It was so disturbing, but I really had to use the ladies room. I apologize for running off in such a hurry."
"Are you sure you're ok?" He knew those women were talking about Rachel. How could he not? He may have been oblivious to it for a long time, but not anymore. Santana said something was wrong and she'd been right. He was finally putting the pieces together. And seeing it again, even without physically seeing the act, was enough evidence for him to know for sure. Rachel was making herself sick for whatever reason. All he knew was that he had to try to help. He needed to help her before it was too late. He just hoped it wasn't already past that point.
Rachel, on the other hand, knew that she pushed it too far. She made a scene and gave him the advantage. Whatever he thought, he knew, and that was her fault. But she had to do it. She couldn't let the vile, grease covered, stir fried vegetables rest in her stomach to form a rock she'd never lose. If she let that happen, where would she be? No one wants to watch a fat Broadway star. No one wants their child to be fat. And she certainly didn't want to give Shelby more reason to hate her. There was a lot on her mind, but the main focus was to eliminate the ever increasing anxiety she was feeling. It had to be done whether or not Kurt was a bystander to her actions. She'd officially lost another piece of her self control. She wasn't sure how she felt about that.
After an awkward end to the evening of shopping and, what could barely pass for, dinner, the two parted ways. Upon seeing each other that Wednesday morning, Rachel pretended like nothing had happened. Kurt wanted to say something. Even Rachel could see that. He had that fish out of water look, his mouth opening and closing, but no words coming out. What was he supposed to say? He, thankfully, hadn't been in that situation before and didn't know how to react. Someone's life wasn't exactly something to practice with. Messing up or saying the wrong thing could be detrimental. He wouldn't be the voice that broke Rachel. He just wouldn't. But then again, saying nothing while knowing something could be just as harmful. Rachel was unfazed by it all.
What really did get to Rachel the most was when Santana got Brittany to do her dirty work. Santana had this weird sense of obligation not to just tell everyone Rachel's secret because of some even weirder sense of responsibility. She took it upon herself to watch the girl as often as she could until she figured out exactly what to do. She could tell Mr. Schue or Shelby, but would they believe her? Rachel was clearly putting on an act for the world. She could see that, but both the teachers saw what they wanted to see, what they expected to see. Ms. Corcoran got the dutiful daughter full of perfection and race, not the sullen problem child Rachel was just days before. And Schue got his star performer back. In the end, that's what they needed to see to justify their own inaction. It was possible they were truly blind to it. The hints were subtle and easier to see when actually looking for them, but Santana found that a little hard to believe. She still had no clue what to do, but she knew she couldn't just sit around and watch as she did nothing. So she told some of the glee kids to keep a close watch on Rachel and hoped they'd come to the same conclusions as her. Then they'd bring the topic up with her without Santana actually having to tell them. That was the plan. She just hoped they didn't take too long to figure it out. She needed them to help her figure it out herself. After a few days of nothing though, and Rachel catching on to her, apparently not so covert, stalking, she brought in reinforcements. No one could refuse Brittany, and ditching her would be just plain rude.
Wednesday, right before lunch, Santana, along with a group of the other glee kids, witnessed the tail end of a slushie attack on Rachel. By the time they got there she was already covered in the tricolored glop, the corn syrup sticking to all parts of her body. At least three perpetrators this time and she got there too late to do anything. And, surprisingly, even to her, she would've done something to try and stop it. She'd gone soft. She'd realized that and it didn't really bother her. Watching Quinn, of all people, usher her out of the hall and to the Cheerio's locker room, Santana knew the incident would be triggering. Rachel didn't seem receptive to anything Santana and she wanted to give the girl a small break from her watchful eye, so as the rest of the students rushed, albeit reluctantly, into the cafeteria after Quinn told them she'd handle it, Santana pulled Brit aside and asked for a favor. The blonde was more than willing to comply. She liked Rachel. Rachel was her friend. That was her reasoning. It didn't hurt either that she'd do just about anything for Santana.
Rachel, meanwhile, was pushed into the locker rooms by Quinn. She wasn't happy for the assistance, mostly because of the one assisting. Things tended not to go well when they were together in locker rooms. Quinn's honest words from last time still played like a broken record stuck on repeat in her head.
"Do you have clothes to change into?" Quinn asked. Rachel had to think about the answer. She packed a bag the previous night, but she couldn't remember if she took it with her that morning. Lapses in her memory had been happening a lot to her. "Earth to Man Hands! Do you have a change of clothes?" She repeated, that time saying each word like an individual sentence.
"No, of course not. Because I need them I don't have them." She left them on the side of her desk in her room. She thought at least. She really couldn't be sure. She made a note to check later.
"Here." Quinn said returning from one of the lockers and passing Rachel a satchel. "Don't say I've never done anything nice for you."
"What is it?" Rachel asked not bothering to look inside.
"What do you think? It's an outfit to change into. I don't know if it will fit over your fat butt, but we don't have glee today so it should get you through the rest of your classes." All Rachel got from Quinn's words was fat butt. Now she had a fat butt too. When would it end?
"Thank you." She said as she walked into one of the stalls to finish getting cleaned off and changed. Less than five minutes later, she returned wearing a skirt she found utterly too short and a simple long sleeved shirt; both of which were big on her. Yet she still believed Quinn was right and she was fat. "Not that I don't appreciate the…" She stumbled for words. Was Quinn being kind or was there something in it for her? "The help… Because I do appreciate it, but why are you being so, I don't know, nice to me? And where did you get these clothes? I don't think I've ever seen you wear anything like them."
"Those are my party clothes. I keep them at school so my parents won't say anything about them. And I'm being nice as a way of apologizing." Rachel didn't find her completely genuine, but she'd take what she could get. It was as close to friendship as she'd allow. She was still pretty mad about the last blowout. "Obviously I was wrong about you being pregnant, and I shouldn't have told anyone. I'm sorry Rachel." She wasn't feeling the sentimental moment. It didn't feel real or deserved. Finn probably forced her to be nice. It really didn't matter. She just wanted to get out of their and fulfill her need.
"Whatever, let's just get to lunch." Quinn agreed so they grabbed their things and went to the cafeteria. Their entire table turned to them as soon as they walked in. They seemed surprised that there wasn't any sign of bloodshed. Quinn went over to the table, her lunch already bought by Finn as Rachel went into line. She was going to avoid it at school, but she just couldn't. It was the only thing that could quell her and she couldn't deny herself that. With the intention of purging it after, Rachel bought a salad and pulled several vegan snacks from her bag. As not to look so suspicious, she ate the snacks out of sight of the others before bringing the food to the table. Puck, Santana, Mercedes, Kurt, and Brittany watched as she cut it into small pieces before wolfing it down. Santana saw it on their faces. They knew and suspected the same thing she did. And if they didn't before, they did then.
They all exchanged looks when Rachel got up to leave. She didn't say anything that time. There were no excuses. She just hurriedly pulled all her things together, put the tray in its proper place, and practically sprinted from the lunchroom. Both Kurt and Puck started to get up from the table when Santana stopped them. She simply pointed to Brittany who was buying a water from the vending machine and they sat back down to watch. As soon as Brit saw Rachel go past her, she immediately went to follow. They made it all the way to the bathroom before Rachel knew she was there.
She went straight for the stall when she heard the door open again and she hesitated. "Rachel?"
"Brittany? Are you following me?" She was annoyed. All she wanted was the release and it didn't look like that was going to happen. But it had to happen. It just had to. She ate. She ate a lot. She couldn't let it digest. She just couldn't. She shuttered at the thought.
"Santana says not to let you go to the bathroom by yourself. I told her you were a big girl now and didn't need any help, but she made me promise to go with you if I saw."
"So you're going to watch me go to the bathroom?" Her tone was incredulous. Santana was ridiculous and she immediately started planning ways to kill the Latina. She was ruining everything.
"I promised. Go, I'll wait." She propped herself onto the counter as Rachel closed herself into a stall. She obviously wasn't going to do it, but she did think about it. The need was there, but she couldn't subject Brittany to that no matter how bad it physically hurt not to. "Lord Tubbington misses you Rachel. You should come visit sometime."
"Maybe." She said trying to work through the pain and urges that came with not fulfilling her intention.
"Are you actually going potty Rachel? I don't hear anything." She exited the stall. "You didn't flush."
"I didn't have to go. I thought I did but I didn't." She really just had to get out of there. Being so close yet unable to do what she wanted was killing her. It made her want it more.
"Ok, let's go then." Very unhappily, hands clenched tightly by her side, Rachel exited the bathroom. Brittany was still unaware of what she actually prevented from happening, but she was happy that she could do something for both Santana and Rachel; even if she didn't know what that something was.
For the rest of the day, Rachel was jittery. She avoided everyone she could and tried her best to make it to the bathroom. Every time she did, however, someone was there to stop her, whether intentionally or not. It was driving her crazy. She felt full and weighed down. She felt disgusting and revolted by her mere reflection. That alone was enough to make her want to vomit, but she couldn't. She couldn't do anything. Her leg was shaking and her hand was constantly brushing through her hair. She was surprised she had any left by the end of the day. She just wanted to die. Every single second of that day made her want to die, to wither away and die. But the world wasn't having it. Instead the world gave her Puck.
"Berry what's wrong with you? You're shaking like you're coming down from a bad high, but I know you and that's not it. So what is it?" She had to think quickly.
"I have dance tonight. It's one of the final practices before auditions." The best lies were always based on truth.
"Ok." She was thrilled that he let it go so easily, but still curious as to why that was. It wasn't like him. "There's no glee today because the teachers have a meeting and I saw you ride in with Shelby today. Do you need a ride home?" She didn't want to go to the house. She wanted to run until she collapsed from the physical exhaustion and her world was brought into oblivion, but there wasn't time before dance. She wanted the whole day to be on redo and to never make the decision to eat, but that was an impossibility. She just needed something, some distraction to get her through the next few hours, and then she saw it. She had that standing right in front of her. He made her feel so good last time, so complete and so whole. He could do that for her again. She wanted it to happen again to make her feel good. She wanted him again. He was tempting, standing there all buff and gorgeous like a treat for the taking. The only question was whether he wanted to, but she'd make sure he did. He was her temptation, her distraction, and she was determined to be his.
Standing up from her seat, she carefully hiked her skirt up just a little more. She did it in a way he wouldn't notice, but would sure appreciate. "I have to be at dance in an hour. I'm going in early today. I was going to walk, but I have some time to kill if you want to hang out."
"Sure." He escorted her to his car, his eyes barely ever leaving her backside. He would swear he could see her panties as she walked. "You know you look hot in that skirt." He said as they reached their destination.
"You like what you see?"
"Definitely."
"Come on." She said as she got into the passenger's seat. "I want to make a quick stop first." He happily obliged and followed her directions until they pulled into the empty parking lot of the park. The ground was still damp so no one was there to play. Except for them of course.
"What are we doing here?"
"You had fun with me at your party right?" She asked both innocently and seductively as she moved closer to him and placed a hand on his thigh far enough away not to start something he might not want to finish.
"Yeah, why?"
"I had fun too."
"You did?" He wasn't surprised. He was good for everyone, but Rachel was… Rachel.
"I liked the way you felt, the way you made me feel." She leaned in even closer, her chin resting on her shoulder.
"I did too." He said ignoring the obvious intonation that something wasn't right. That wasn't Rachel. Hormones were on overdrive, however, and that was a moot point. He responded to their growing closeness by going in for the kiss. Rachel wanted it. He wanted it. Why shouldn't they both have what they wanted? It was on his mind, had been since the first time. Obviously it had been on hers too.
After breaking from the most perfect kiss she ever experienced, Rachel climbed into the backseat. "What are you doing Rach?"
"I thought we'd be more comfortable back here. There's more room to maneuver." He didn't hesitate any longer to follow suit. As soon as he was back there with her their make out session was reignited. Each kiss grew with more passion and fervor than the last. He decided to test the waters and allow his had to slip under her shirt. When she allowed it, and she did, he went one step further and took his hand a little more south. His hand rested on her thigh before inching under the skirt and to her middle. When she let out a low moan he didn't test any longer. He was all in and so was she.
He unzipped his jeans and pulled off her underwear. They were in a public park; they didn't need to be completely nude. He gently pleasured her the first time. Then she asked for more. She needed all the distraction she could get. The second time she demanded it hard and fast. It would help her mind go only to him. It didn't hurt that it felt good either. They both finished panting for breath.
"That was…"
"Amazing I know. I'm that good."
"You are that good." She agreed as she slipped her underwear back on. "But we should get going. I have to be at the studio soon." He was slightly disappointed. He didn't know why. He just took Rachel Berry in the backseat of his car… twice. But for some reason, he wanted more. It was like he cared or something. Did he? He wasn't sure, but he let it go for the time being.
Rachel was just grateful for the distraction. If there was only one thing Puck was good at, it was sex. And she took full advantage of that. He made her feel good both physically and emotionally, if only for a moment, she forgot. She got the high she needed from somewhere else, from someone she could potentially care deeply about again. She'd definitely give in to that temptation again… and again.
So, so sorry I took so long. All I can really say is that 2011 was definitely not my year and I hope 2012 is kinder to me. If I don't update for a while I usually have a good reason.
Hope everyone's holidays were full or merriment and that everyone has a happy new year. I'll try to update by the first but no promises.
Also, thank you so much for getting me to 100 reviews. I honestly didn't think I'd get that many. So I greatly appreciate it and want you to know that hearing what you all have to say makes me want to write more.
As always, I apologize for any mistakes in Grammar or spelling. It happens…
I hope you all enjoy. For the sake of show accuracy and my obsessive issues, we're just going to glance over Rachel's birthday this year because in the actual show, junior year she'd be turning sixteen. I made her sixteen at the start of the story. So we'll all just conveniently forget such details and roll with it. Well, until next time…
I want to say that I'm so grateful for all of the wonderful comments. Thank you to everyone who reviewed, favorited, and/or added this to their alerts. Don't be afraid to tell me what you think or if there's anything you'd like to see happen.