"And all these thoughts are never resting, and you're not something I deserve, You love me but you don't know who I am I'm torn between this life I lead and where I stand"-3 Doors Down
John stood by the foot of his bed watching her sleep, she looked so small and delicate.
He slowly moved over to the windows and put his head against the cool glass and closed his eyes. No matter how hard he tried he couldn't distance himself from her. But deep down in his subconscious he knew he didn't deserve anything she gave him.
She deserved to be normal and safe. She deserved a man who could look after her and Taylor, not a man whose past could get either one of them killed. She loved him but she didn't know him, at least not all of him.
She didn't know he still had nightmares about the things he did in the military. She didn't know that the things he did in the Special Forces was what lead the CIA to recruit him. She didn't know what despicable things he did without question for the CIA.
The CIA didn't create the monster in him, they just gave him more opportunities to let it out.
If she did know, she would be disgusted by him. He couldn't tell her because he was afraid she'd hate him forever and leave him all alone. Every day was a challenge for him to lead the life that she and Harold wanted for him. He was constantly torn between trying to be a better man and the truth of what type of man he really was.
He opened his eyes when he felt her hung him from behind. He turned around and held her back. It would be in her best interest to let him go. She was going to have to be the one to let him go because the only way he could see himself letting her go was if he was dead.