Chapter 23: Doctors are Not Our Friends
When Wednesday rolled around, Rachel was not excited. In fact, she was dreading every single second of the day. Not only was she stressed about the recital results, even though they were informed everyone would be going through another round and results wouldn't truly be known for an extra day, she was anxiety ridden about the appointment. But she had a plan. Shelby was dead set on going with her. It was a must since the trust was lacking, but Rachel had alternatives. She was going to go, no doubt, but she was going to cover her ass. Her "condition" wouldn't be discovered; neither of them would. There were a lot of things she promised herself, most of which she hadn't kept, but this one she would. The doctor would not discover her secrets.
Come afternoon and glee was over. They headed home to change, but it was time. "Are you ready to go?" Shelby asked as she collected her bag from the table.
"As I'll ever be." She was not happy about going, but what other choice did she have?
Slowly getting to the car, her body was weighed down, both figuratively and literally. There were reasons for that; part of her plan. She knew the Cantor rules for weight and height check. Shoes needed to come off and so did jackets. That was fine. The jacket wouldn't really make much of a difference and while the shoes would've added a little weight, she more than made up for their absence. Strapped to each foot were ankle weights which, she made sure, were covered by thick, heavy jeans. That would add a few pounds. Her other problem was still concealable. Her doctor knew she was a dancer. Her showing up with a leotard on wouldn't raise suspicion. So that was what she did. Before leaving, she slipped on a long sleeved leo with a low cut back so he still had stethoscope access if needed. That would hide the scars and cuts on her arms and hip. Her leg injuries, she didn't think would be a factor. If her doctor was feeling her up there, then they had a whole different set of issues they'd be addressing; mainly sexual misconduct, but tights and jeans seemed to cover her well. Rachel didn't foresee that actually coming into play. No, she was set and ready. Her bases were covered and all was good.
The wait seemed to take forever. Sitting there after signing in felt like an eternity, and Beth's clanking of the toys wasn't helping the matter any. Then there was Shelby. Since the day began, she was practically stalking Rachel. That was how it felt anyway. It seemed like every time Rachel peered over or happened to glance through her periphery, she saw Shelby watching her. It was annoying, expected, but annoying. There was no getting away from it. She was stuck in the stare and she had to live with it.
Finally, her name was called. "Rachel, the doctor is ready for you." Rachel stood up abruptly, just wanting to get it over with, but halted immediately when she saw Shelby follow.
"Where are you going?"
"With you." She responded like it was to be expected.
That was not going to happen. "What? You don't trust me to walk the ten feet to the exam room? A nurse will be escorting me." She said it jokingly, but it was all legitimate. She wanted real answers.
"I'm coming with you." Shelby was shifting Beth on her hip impatiently. She didn't want to bicker with Rachel and she really didn't want an audience for one of their squabbles.
"Absolutely not." Before Shelby could do more than put a hand up in protest, Rachel carried on. "I've been attending appointments on my own for years now. If you don't trust me, fine, but you're not coming in with me. I have the right to refuse that. You can't come in. If you do, I'm out."
"Rachel."
"No, mom…" She said is in a patronizing way, not at all how Shelby wanted to hear it, but it affected her anyway. And that was the plan. "I'm going, you're staying."
There was no protest. Shelby seemed too stunned to do more than stand there mouth open and paralyzed. Did Rachel call her mom? It wasn't a term of endearment. It wasn't meant to bring them closer and move their relationship forward. It was simply a tactic to get Shelby so distracted she was out of her hair, but Shelby saw it as more. She was being blind to the circumstance and tone and only seeing it as something she wanted to hear. "Mom." She liked it, but she wouldn't get used to it. It wouldn't last. Nothing good with Rachel ever did.
Rachel followed Nurse Johnson back to the exam room. "Shoes and jacket off, hop on the scale." She always hated this part. She weighed herself before they left the house and she knew what she should've been expecting, but she still watched vigorously as the woman balanced the scale. Height was first, but once the little knob got moving, her eyes were transfixed. To the 50 mark, the 75, moving… moving… "I've gained two pounds since this morning." She weighed herself with and without the weights. Something had to be wrong. She didn't eat or drink all day. It had to have been the lack of exercise. A slack filled glee practice wasn't exactly a proper exercise routine make.
"What was that dear?"
"Oh nothing…" She stated nervously. "N… Nothing, it was nothing."
"Ok dear." She finished writing in the chart. "You can get your shoes back on and take a seat on the exam table. The doctor will be in shortly."
"Thank you." Just because she didn't want any part of this cruel punishment didn't mean she needed to be rude to the kind woman before her. Manners were still important. And the woman took kindly to them as she politely excused herself from the room and left Rachel to stew in her thoughts. How was it possible to gain weight when nothing but the air she breathed entered her body? Nothing went in…
Her thoughts went on and on as she stressed out about the miniscule change in numbers probably caused by simple bloating. They went back and forth between her weight and how she was going to push herself at dance to whether or not she would get a good spot and made it through round two or if she was going to be stuck as a background dancer simply prancing about in the scenery. Her thoughts, however, were cut short when the opening door startled her. "Rachel." He said with a big, friendly smile. "It has been a while. How have you been?"
"I've been about as well as can be expected, better as of late. Thank you for asking."
"I was sorry to hear about your fathers. They were good men."
"They were. Thank you." She didn't want to talk about them. There was a lot she didn't want to talk about those days, but she was trying something new. She was biting her tongue. As much as she wanted to lash out, in the rare moments she could actually control it, she'd keep her thoughts to herself.
There was a little more idle chat before the exam began. "You look a bit pale Rachel. How have you been feeling?" He looked at her with squinted, determined eyes like he knew she was about to lie to him and he was trying to will out the truth. Shelby was right, she was tiny.
"Fine." She was fine. There was no lying there. Nothing was wrong with her; at least, not medically.
He still didn't believe her. It was obvious why Shelby was concerned. He never officially met the woman with the exception of a few phone calls to discuss Rachel and talk about setting Beth up as a patient, so he didn't know if her concerns were that of an anxious new mom or genuine issues. Then he knew it was possibly both, but the latter had merit. There was something there to delve deeper into. "Your blood pressure's a little low and your chart shows you've lost some weight since our last appointment."
Her head snapped up in caution. "Our last appointment was over a year ago." She said like it would make a difference. In her mind it did. All she could do was put herself on high alert and raise those defense mechanisms. He was suspicious. She could smell it. He wanted to drag something out of her that she just wasn't ready to share. It wasn't going to happen.
"Yes, but with your small stature it makes a big difference." Of only he knew just how big a difference it was. He shot her a warning look. Dr. Cantor had been seeing her since she was a tiny little girl. He remembered the worried phone calls from her fathers calling if she had so much as a hang nail or a runny nose. But then they'd bring her into the office after what they deemed a "big scare," and she'd be the lively bright eyed child she always was. The girl in front of him was different. She was less energetic, quiet, and just not her. He knew her long enough to know the difference. "Tell me about your diet Rachel."
"Shelby feeds me if that's where you're going with this." Direct answers were out of the question.
"It's not; just tell me about your diet. What do you eat on a regular basis?"
"I don't see what the point of this is." She didn't want to answer questions regarding food, or anything for that matter.
"Just humor me please."
"I eat a piece of toast before I go for a run in the morning. I read that it's important to eat carbs or protein before working out. Then, before I leave for school I have some sort of fruit and an orange juice. On weekends I'll have my vegan pancakes or something like that. For lunch I eat whatever slop they're serving in the cafeteria that day. And as for dinner, I eat whatever Shelby cooks, just the vegan friendly version of the meal." She hoped it didn't sound as rehearsed as it was. Knowing that some of these questions may have been brought up, if not by him then someone else, she prepared some good answers. Improvisation's great and all, but some things require preparedness. As she finished her summary of eating habits, she looked up at him only to see him writing everything she said down. Why was he doing that? Was that even what he was doing? "What are you doing?"
"You mentioned exercise." He completely ignored her question. "Tell me about that."
"I already did." Her fighting him didn't help matters. It only furthered his belief that Shelby was right to be worried. But he had to dig deeper. There could be a logical explanation for the weight loss. There could be something medically wrong. He didn't want to jump to any conclusions.
"Rachel." He said sternly. "You go running every morning. What else do you do?"
"Since I've been grounded and unable to run, I do the elliptical for 30 minutes." Usually she did that and more in addition to her run.
"Anything else?" He needed all the facts.
"I have glee club after school and we do some dancing. It's usually not too strenuous. And I have ballet three times a week, but soon it will be almost every day. I don't see where you're going with this."
"I'm concerned Rachel." Wonderful…
She perked up, immediately looking at him with wide eyes. "Is something wrong with me?" She panicked. Nothing could be wrong with her. She had enough problems in her life and she couldn't have an illness ruining everything.
"I'm concerned that you're overdoing yourself."The look he was giving her was so penetrating. It was as if he was trying to decipher every word, every move, and every action. He was trying to figure out the fact from the fiction and see if there was a simple explanation or if he was going to have a serious talk with Shelby after.
"What do you mean?" There was a curiousness to the question, but it was also one of survival. She didn't work so hard to keep things in to let them all out in a stupid physical.
"You're underweight." There was more to be said, but Rachel cut him off.
"No I'm not!" She was a tub of lard, the literal elephant in the room. Why was everyone lying to her and telling her that she wasn't? She didn't understand how they couldn't see it. How could they not see it? The earth quaked with her every step. Did no one else feel that? She couldn't be the only one. It felt like she was living in a blind world and she was the only one that could see.
"Rachel, I want to show you something." After flipping through the pages of her file, he held up one with a chart. "This is a weight chart." He began to explain. "At every physical we took your height and weight and documented it on here to chart your growth."
"Your point?" It came off snarky, but it was truly innocent. She just wanted to know where he was taking it.
"This is where you should be." He pointed to an area higher than where even the previous appointment's dot was charted. "And this is where you are." His finger trailed down the paper. "This isn't healthy. You're underweight and we need to find out why that is."
"Ok?" It wasn't supposed to be a question, but she was scared. Was he trying to make her fatter? What was he going to do? "How?" He watched her reactions. She was fidgety and nervous, but he didn't understand why. Based on the information he had, the problem could easily be explained by too much exertion and not enough input. If she ate more to make up for the calories lost in her ballet and whatnot, she would gain weight and be just fine.
"I'm going to have the nurse come in and draw some blood. We'll test it just to make sure that you don't have a thyroid problem or anything else internally." She was relieved. She covered her tracks. She knew she did. She won again and that in itself was a high. She hadn't won at much in a while, so it was a feat. "In the mean time, try not to overdo it. If you're going to continue doing so much physical activity you need to compensate by adding more calories to your diet." What? He wanted her to what? Everyone wanted her to be fat. That was all her mind would allow her to see. If she was in a clear, level headed state of mind, she would know she was unhealthy. The cuts on her body, the outline of bones against her touch, and the lack of color in her skin were all proof of that, but she didn't see it. She couldn't see it. He was listing off appropriate food suggestions, but she wasn't listening. All she heard were conspiracies. Her life was just a bunch of people conspiring against her, all unwilling to see the bowling ball she needed to shed from her body. She wanted o scream. People just needed to mind their own business. Why should her doctor care? Why should her mother care? No one should care. No one did care."Blah, blah, blah…. Ok Rachel?" She didn't even hear him. "Rachel?"
"What?" She pulled away from her thoughts and looked to him. "Yeah, ok."
"Good, the nurse will be right in." He pulled all the files together after writing a few last notes. "It was good seeing you Rachel. And again, I'm sorry about your fathers. Just take my advice and take care of yourself."
"Thank you."
"I'll see you soon." Not too soon. "Have a good day Rachel."
"You too." She responded as he left. After filing the papers with one of the secretaries, he went out to the waiting room to greet Shelby.
"Ms. Corcoran, I'm ready for Beth."
She immediately grabbed Beth and followed him to an exam room. They had to have a little chat. First, however, she had him show her to the room Rachel was in so she could inform her daughter that she was to wait in the lounge area unless she wanted to turn her grounding into a prison term. Then, once that was taken care of, they went into the room and propped Beth onto the table while standing beside her to keep her from falling. They spoke as Dr. Cantor preformed the routine new patient physical.
"So, what did you find?"
"Legally, I'm prevented from sharing any information without her consent unless it's dire or treatment requires your permission." Treatment? Shelby was panicking. Why did he always do that to her?
"Treatment? She needs treatment?"
"I didn't say that."
"Then what are you saying?"
"Your concerns are warranted."
"I knew it, something's wrong with her. What is it? How bad?"
"I can tell you that she's under weight, but it's not at a dangerous point yet." He emphasized yet.
"Yet? So not yet, but it could be?"
"It could be." They shared a silent moment. He stopped his exam for a second and looked to Shelby. "I can't speculate the cause exactly. I'm running a few tests just to be sure and rule biological problems out, but it really just seems like she's exercising too much and not eating enough to keep up with it. I gave her some suggestions and hopefully, with your guidance, she'll listen to them."
"That's it?"
"No."
"What do you mean no?" He finished up with Beth. The toddler was perfectly healthy, just updating her charts.
"Just keep an eye on her. I'm not around her enough to see her regular habits. I can only go by what she tells me, and my years in medicine taught me that patients often lie even when they know the truth is the only thing that can help them."
"Do you think she's lying? About what?"
"I don't know if she is or not. I just know something is causing her to be so thin."
"Do you think it's serious?"
"Barring any abnormal results from the labs, I don't know. How has she been since moving in with you? Has she been eating regularly? Has anything changed with her behavior or her normal habits?"
"At first she didn't eat much, so when she lost a little weight I understood. She just lost her fathers. I kept pushing food on her and since then she has been better about it. I'm not with her at lunch, but I make sure she gets at least two full meals a day and snacks whenever she wants them." It wasn't an attack, but she felt the need to defend her parenting. Whatever was going on with Rachel, it wasn't her fault. And as soon as she noticed something off, she brought her daughter to the doctor. No one had the right to question her mothering abilities. Sensibly, she knew that wasn't what was happening.
"I'm just going to advise you to look after her. Make sure she's eating. Give her larger portions. Make sure she eats before going to her dance class. If the tests come back clean and she doesn't seem to gain any weight back within the next month or two then I'd consider taking her to a nutritionist. But we can revisit that later." He took a deep breath and released a sigh as he finished with Beth's chart. "Her vaccinations are up to date. Everything seems to be ok." He said referring to the toddler, effectively turning the topic away from Rachel for the short while.
"Thank you. For everything."
"It's my job."
"It is."
"I'll see you at the next check up. Until then, just watch her." He didn't need to clarify the her in the situation. Obviously, it was Rachel. "We don't want her to get to a dangerous point, and right now, that's where she's headed. Keep a close eye on her and if things get any worse, just bring her in."
"I will." Shelby grabbed Beth, put on their coats, and headed back to the waiting room. When she got there, she couldn't see Rachel. Her eyes frantically searched the area looking for the brown locks in the small crowd of sick children and their parents. Where was she? "Rachel?" She called out with a quiet shout. She didn't want to bother the other occupants, and as far as she knew, there was no need to panic just yet.
"Excuse me, miss?" A light tap on her shoulder sent her spinning around to face the offender. Who dare disturb the mama bear on a hunt for her young? "Are you Ms. Corcoran? Rachel's mom?"
"That's me." She responded calmly, way more collected than she actually felt.
"Rachel asked me to let you know she's just outside." She was going to kill her daughter. She wanted to physically harm her. Rachel didn't understand rules. She just did what she wanted; consequences be damned. "She looks so much like you." The woman stared at Shelby creepily in awe. But the moment was cut short when the woman noticed Shelby's unamused glare. She just wanted to find Rachel. "You'll find her just outside. There's a patio area just to the left of the entrance."
"Thank you." Shelby didn't waste any more time. Following the woman's instructions, she followed the footpath through some shrubbery and onto the patio area. "Rachel?" She said once she spotted her from behind. "What are you doing out here? I thought I told you to wait for me in there."
"I'm sorry." Finally, she turned around. "It was just so crowded and loud. I needed some air." She was right. Shelby agreed. It was noisy with all the kids playing with the germ infested toys and the parents yammering away on their cell phones.
"I'll let it go, just this once. But next time, just stay where I ask. Ok?"
"Ok." Rachel stood from the bench, a gust of cold air brushing against her, and she clutched her jacket tighter against her body. "Are we ready to go now? I don't want to be late to class."
"Yes, we're going."
"So let's go." Rachel hurried away from Shelby and made her way to the car. She didn't see the point of any of it. What did going to the doctor, dealing with all that, and waiting really get them? What did it really accomplish? Nothing changed. It was just a pointless waste of both their time, and they were still at point A. Point B didn't even seem to be in sight.
Shelby didn't know what to think when Rachel pushed by her and rushed to the car. As far as she knew, nothing happened in the mere matter of minutes between Rachel's appointment and Beth's. So the only reasonable explanation for the mood was nerves. It was another try out day. While everyone got a part, Rachel wouldn't be satisfied with a lesser role. She wanted to be the best. She needed to be the best. So Shelby knew that it was a tough day. How she did that day and the results would just determine how their night went.
Pushing all thoughts of the discussion with the doctor and all worries on temporary hold, Shelby followed Rachel to the car and buckled Beth in her car seat before hopping behind the wheel and taking off. "Are you nervous?" She asked. She may have told herself to leave Rachel alone, to let the girl rest in peace instead of working her up before she had to dance and fight for a spot, but thinking it and doing it weren't the same thing.
"Why would I be?" Rachel faked the confidence she should've possessed. Normal Rachel wouldn't have an ounce of anxiety. Normal Rachel would've had the biggest smile on her face and walked into the studio demanding to know when the rehearsals officially began. But it had been established; normal Rachel didn't exist anymore. She was replaced by a lesser, far less amazing version. "Obviously I'm good enough to have a lead. Now it's a matter of how the teacher chooses to use my talent."
"Ok." Rachel was good at concealing her feelings, Shelby would give her that, but underneath it all, Shelby could still see the nerves getting to her. The way her leg was slightly bouncing, hardly perceptible, but still there, was a giveaway; one even Shelby couldn't miss.
When they got to the studio, Rachel quickly jumped from the passenger's seat and rushed to the trunk for her bag. As soon as she slammed the trunk shut, she expected Shelby to give a kind wave and speed off. She didn't expect her to turn of the engine, step out of the car, and take Beth from the back. "What are you doing?"
"I thought I'd watch you today." It wasn't uncommon for some parents to stay through the classes. It was even more common for those stage parents who insisted on being there, especially during that time of year. Parental attendance seemed to fluctuate around audition time. But Shelby never stayed. She never showed any interest in wanting to stay. So what changed? What was so different about that time? Why did she have to pick one of the most pressure filled days of the dance season to stay?
"Why?"
"Why what? Why am I staying?"
"Yes, why?"
"You don't want me to stay?" She sounded hurt.
"I didn't say that." Rachel was walking faster, like rushing into the studio would make Shelby disappear. She didn't need any distractions. It was a bad day for distractions. "I'm simply asking why you, all of a sudden, decided today would be a good day to barge in on my dance time." Her alone time… Her Shelby free time… Her push her limits time… Her time…
Not wanting to start an argument and understanding Rachel was stressed, Shelby gave an answer she knew would quiet the girl. "Just consider this part of your new regimen. It's not punishment, but you can take it however you wish."
"Could it start any other day but today?" Shelby's plan backfired. Instead of getting her to concede, it just fired her up. "I mean, really? Of all days to spring this, you pick today. I need to be focused. I don't need you watching me, starring... babysitting me." She glared at Shelby and her mother returned the same look. "What could I possibly do wrong in a room full of girls and two boys?" It was a serious question for her. What could she do? "You really don't trust me, do you? It's not like I'm going to pick a boy and we're going to run off and have sex in the corner. We wouldn't want an audience for that."
"Rachel, it's not that." It was like a light bulb was going off in her head and she was just hearing everything that Rachel said. "Are you having sex?"
"What?" Rachel was furious. She didn't want to have that talk and she sure as hell didn't want to be discussing it a mere few minutes before an important event. It felt like the world was against her. Or maybe it was just Shelby. Either way, she wanted to run. She wanted Shelby to leave and she wanted to get in the studio and kill it. She wanted to be a star. Having Shelby there wouldn't get her that. "Of all that, that's what you got?" She scoffed. "Are you serious Shelby? Am I having sex?" She couldn't believe it. The audacity of that woman was unbelievable. "And what if I was? What would you do about it?" In hindsight, that probably wasn't the best question to ask. An act of defiance usually led to consequences.
Shelby stopped dead in her tracks and reached out to grab Rachel's shoulder. "Are you?" Her eyes bore into her daughter demanding the truth.
"I can't believe you." Anger was rising, but she was doing what she could to tame it. "Why are you doing this to me? And why are you doing it now?" The words came out in a whine. She was frustrated and it was only adding to her already impacted emotions. "I have to go in there and focus. You're ruining everything! Why can't you just leave me alone?" In a huff, Rachel stormed into the studio and went directly to the dressing room. She was going to avoid Shelby as much as she could.
Out of respect for her daughter's wishes, and still feeling a little shocked by the outburst she didn't see coming, Shelby stayed stationary. She didn't follow Rachel in. Instead, she stood there and watched Rachel practically run into the building. What did she do wrong this time? All she wanted to do was show her daughter some support. Was that really so wrong? She considered Rachel not being thrilled by her presence, but she didn't expect that. At most she anticipated a little attitude, not whatever that was. Sighing, Shelby turned to Beth who looked as shocked and confused as she was. "We're going to figure her out. Aren't we Beth?" The blonde's confusion turned into the innocent smile only a toddler could possess. "We are. We're going to get Rachel to talk to us and get her to understand that we love her and support her."
"Rashel!" She was getting closer to the name. The "ch" sound was still hard for her, but her words were getting clearer.
"Yes Beth, Rachel." Once again, Shelby began walking. Beth demanded to be put down and Shelby complied. Apparently both her daughter's were stubborn and wanted things their way. At least Beth was simple. She just wanted to walk. And Shelby could easily give her that. She'd welcome that. Carrying Beth everywhere was a workout. So she complied and put her on the ground, taking the pale hand securely in her own. Together they walked.
Rachel didn't know what she was expecting to see when she finally came out of the changing room. Or maybe she did. She took her sweet time getting ready; there'd be no early practice that day so there was no need to rush. And she was avoiding Shelby. A part of her expected Shelby to ransack her way into the room and confront her about her poor attitude and ask her why she continued to behave so poorly even after several conversations, but that never happened. As relieved as she was that it didn't, to her that only meant that it would be worse once she headed out there to face the beast. Only she was wrong. Shelby wasn't there. Beth wasn't there. She was completely wrong. Searching the sea of parents and siblings just on the other side of the studio's windowed wall in the lounge area, she couldn't see them.
She never remembered feeling the way she felt then. Disappointment… This time it wasn't about disappointment in herself or something she did, although she was the ultimate reason that she was disappointed. No, it wasn't that. But she was upset that Shelby wasn't there. She cared, and the realization shocked her because not ten minutes before, she was pushing her mother away. And then, like so many times before, she was sad and hurt that Shelby wasn't there. But she could've been if Rachel wasn't such a horrible person and showed her mother that she actually did care. But she didn't. She didn't show it and she didn't care. That was what she convinced herself. Because she couldn't; she couldn't care without getting hurt in the end. She'd been hurt enough.
But she was hurting then, and it was all her fault. For years she had dreamed of having an attentive parent back. Years before she even knew Shelby was the face behind the dream and before she crushed said dream, she envisioned a mother watching her dance and doing things with her that a mother did with a daughter. Even before her fathers deemed her mature enough to be on her own, she still wanted her mother. And she had that then. It was in reaching distance and she was pushing it away. She ruined everything good in her life and Shelby was just another thing to add to the list. She'd ruin that too eventually. It was inevitable.
Her mind was messed up far beyond repair. She couldn't even see that what she wanted was there for the taking if she just accepted it. But she wasn't in a place to accept much of anything other than tips on how to maximize fat loss and the best ways to avoid major veins via anatomy 101. Everything she wanted was so close, but she couldn't take it. She wouldn't. Not only did she not deserve it, but it wasn't real. None of it was real. It was some mirage delusion she cooked up to deal with her issues Even the disappointment she felt was a contrived feeling; forced there so she could pretend Shelby really cared and that she was just looking for an excuse to do what she planned to do later. Yeah; that was what it was. She needed to believe only in the bad so when the good faded, the terrible that followed wouldn't hurt as much. She needed a clear head. Throwing her bag with the others, Rachel took a deep breath and hit the floor.
Surprisingly to Rachel, unsurprisingly to anyone else whose mind wasn't playing tricks on them, Rachel did really well at the first audition and even better that day. After stretching and warm-ups, Renee began with the hardest dance combination. It was an original number from the ballet she helped choreograph. She and the other instructors worked really hard to create the recital, so getting the dances down quickly and easily were necessary skills for survival. It didn't take long for her to master the difficult combo. Most of the technique was made up of moves she had been working on separately for weeks. So getting it was only a matter of putting it together. That wasn't too hard. And as great as she was, as well as she did, she still felt like a loser. Everyone was better than her. Blondie in the corner leaped higher than she did. The female Kurt in front row had cleaner lines. Rainbow Brite was just perfect at everything, and her turns… They were flawless. How could Rachel compete with such imperfection coursing her veins?
The only answer she could think of was that she couldn't, but she had to. She had to; not only to prove something to herself, but to show she was still worth something. And, while in her mind she was worthless, a part of her still wanted to prove she was worthy of something. It sounded ridiculous, most of her thoughts did, but she couldn't help it. Reason and logic and all that good stuff went out the window long before she got this far into her psychosis. At that point, it was more about making her own brand of common sense and then making that work. All that aside, she just wanted to be good at something, to be worth the false praise people occasionally threw at her. It was like she owed it to them. Most of all, she owed it to her fathers to be something better than what she was. She owed it to them to prove their money spent on dance lessons and voice training wasn't all a waste. And that need went far beyond the race to get a lead in a Lima ballet performance. But that felt like a stepping stone to Broadway. And even if it wasn't, it was a win in her book. She just had to get there first. That meant working her butt off at that audition.
Working hard was what she did. It was the only thing she could do to have any control over the situation. She couldn't control the role assignments. She couldn't control where Shelby was at that moment. There wasn't any controlling the other dancers. She couldn't control what the instructors were thinking. The only thing she could control was her. She could control the effort she put forth and what she showed to her audience. If that meant working through the ten minute water break after an hour of strenuous sweat inducing activity, then that was what she was going to do.
Renee was talking to Kara and Tom, the other instructors working on the big performance. The younger kids would get their own time before the big show, but the older kids competed for the best spots. Their dance school wasn't traditional, but they needed something to motivate Lima's masses. It worked well. Anyway, they were discussing the most prominent dancers when she noticed Rachel still going. "Will you excuse me for a minute?"
"Sure, we'll fill you in later." Tom told her before continuing the discussion with Kara and allowing Renee to check up on her star pupil.
"1, 2, 3… No, that's not right." Rachel scolded herself as she continued to perfect the moves and counts. She thought she was alone in her bubble just using the extra time to her advantage. As everyone else was slacking off, she was unrelenting.
"Rachel." She called out to the young girl who, even with her reflection next to Rachel's in the mirror, had remained oblivious to her closeness. Hearing the voice startled Rachel from her numbered chants. Quickly, she looked up from her feet and to the mirror.
"Geez Renee." Her hand went to her heart. "You scared me."
"What are you doing Rachel?" Ok, she was officially confused. Renee's tone wasn't harsh. If Rachel really examined it, she'd find concern, but she was just confused.
"What do you mean? Did I do something wrong?" Again… "I was just practicing."
"I know Rachel, but don't you think you're going a little over the top with this?"
"Impossible; I need to practice to get it right."
"You're doing really well." Lie.
"Thank you."
"But… But you need to rest too."
"I did." Defenses were rising again. She didn't understand why everyone was attacking her work ethic. Why did she constantly have to defend herself?
"Did you even get some water?" No.
"Of course I did."
Skepticism aside, Renee continued. "You're one of my best dancers Rachel." Lie. "But I need you to take care of yourself. Every time I see you, you're pushing yourself harder and burning yourself out." She wanted to add in that Rachel looked sick. Although faint, it looked like the form fitting leo showed off her lack of womanly curves. Bones were the new cleavage.
"I am not."
"You are, but I want to make sure you're healthy and strong so that when I put in my recommendations, I know that you're a dancer I can count on to be strong and know that you'll be there come performance time." Great! Yet another thing she was ruining. Another thing she was messing up. "Because you're good enough Rachel." It was like she knew Rachel needed to hear that. "You're going to do amazing things one day, but here and now, you need to take a break, you need to keep hydrated, and then you need to get back on that floor and keep showing all the other girls what real talent and hard work gets you." She was feeling the lightheaded rush. A little water couldn't hurt.
"Ok." Her voice was quiet, but powerful. She so wanted to believe that. She wanted to believe she was good enough, that she was talented, and that she was better than any other girl in the class, but she couldn't. So as quiet as it was, it had to come out powerful or Renee would know she didn't actually believe a word that was spoken.
Renee smiled. "Ok, good." She gently patted Rachel's shoulder and gave her a, literal, friendly push in the right direction. "Go get some water and get back out here."
"I will." She had to. Renee was watching. What other choice did she have?
Despite the watchful eyes, Rachel quickly took a drink and got back to her private rehearsing. She should have listened, but once again she thought she knew better. The second hour and a half was sloppy. Her lines weren't well defined, her toes weren't perfectly pointed, her turns were off balance, and her fluidity was gone. There was absolutely nothing good about her performance and that devastated Rachel. She had let herself down. She had let Renee down, her dads and Shelby too, and all she wanted to do was go back to Shelby's, crawl into bed, and sleep the night away; a few detours in between.
After a few fumbles and missteps, Rachel had enough. As soon as Renee said they were done for the day, she was ready to leave. She didn't even change. She just threw on her sweats and jacket that were in the water bag, not switching into real shoes, and rushed out the door completely ignoring the instructor's calls and opting not to stay for the encouraging speeches that were sure to follow. They were predictable. Tom, Kara, and Renee would gather the group and give the same speech they gave every year. "You were all amazing today." Kara would begin. "And you're making our decision very difficult."
"We're proud of all of you. You did good. We're going to have to take some time to discuss this." There'd be a few things thrown in; some goodwill gestures and cliché sayings. It was all about the uplifting pep and stuff, and on a normal day Rachel would eat it up, throw around her confidence and tell the others what they were saying was true and that when they gave her the lead that they should heed the advice given.
Finally, Renee would rein them all in. "Everyone worked hard. All of you deserve this, but we're going to have to choose, so we're going to take some time and talk it out. All of you bring so much to the table, and you're all so talented. So whether you get one of the leads or not, you should all be proud. Go home, rest up, and we'll see you tomorrow with our final decisions." She'd flash a genuine smile and wave them all off. "Get going. See you tomorrow."
There wasn't any need to stick around for that. So as Renee called after her, she just continued on as if she didn't hear anything. Whipping the door open, she nearly hit Shelby with it. "What the hell?" She screamed before seeing who did it. "What's your prob…? Rachel?" The anger was gone, but the concern grew. "Are you ok?" Nothing but the sounds of Rachel's heavy footsteps stomping against the concrete. "Rachel, what happened?"
"Nothing happened!" She exclaimed, stopping for only a second to make sure Shelby understood they wouldn't be talking about it. "Can we just go? I have homework to do."
"We can go, but we're going to talk about this later." Apparently, they were going to have plenty to discuss that coming Friday. Rachel didn't put up much of a fight. There was an angry sigh and a slammed door, but Shelby expected worse from her volatile daughter, so in the end, she was thrilled.
"Where were you?" Although she was bitter about Shelby's disappearing act, she'd never let it show. Instead of harsh and angry, the question was more curious in nature. It was a kinder way to cover up her true intentions and hide what she was really feeling.
"When?"
"While I was in dance? Where'd you go?"
"Oh, I got a phone call. I didn't want to be one of those rude parents that sit there with no respect for others and just annoy everyone by taking the call." That was all true, but that didn't really explain where she was. She got a call, but she was already at the boutique right next door shopping for some new clothes when she got it. Truth was that she was hurt. Rachel didn't want her there and was fighting her; she just couldn't be there. But she also didn't see a point in leaving, so she decided to shop instead. There were several businesses around. A little retail therapy and some groceries later, and it was time well spent. She was still hurt, but at least she was semi productive.
"Who called?"
"I think that's something we'll save for Friday." Another thing that would fester inside Rachel; curiosity killed the cat.
"Whatever." It wasn't snarky or rude, it was defeat. Rachel didn't have the will to fight for answers. She just gave up.
Back at home, Shelby watched Rachel carefully. She made an extra big serving of hearty, carb overload, yet healthy vegan pizza. Even Shelby enjoyed it, so it was worth the extra effort since they all enjoyed it and it meant Rachel ate. However, Rachel gave her a dirty look when she placed the plate down. There were two slices in front of her, both double the size they normally were. Something was up. She could only think that Dr. Cantor had something to do with it. Doctors weren't her friend. People in general weren't her friend. So why should a doctor she knew all her life, someone she was supposed to trust, be any different? Answer: he shouldn't. And even more to the point, she should have known it was too simple. Devious and prepared as she was with the weights and leotard, she still somewhat trusted him. Obviously, trusting him or anyone was a bad idea. Trusting never got her anywhere. But wasn't there some sort of confidentiality agreement in place? What did he say to Shelby that had her literally counting the number of bites she took and timing how long she chewed? Doctors… They were just out to get people; definitely not a friend.
"Why are you watching me?" Rachel finally got up the courage to confront Shelby.
"I'm not." Her statement was more of a question. She was lying and asking if it was believable; not intentionally, but that was how it came out.
"You are, and it's creepy." She threw her full napkin down onto her plate. "May I be excused? I'm still gross from dance and I need to shower before finishing my homework."
"When you're done, you can go."
"I'm done." She insisted.
"You didn't even finish one piece." Shelby pointed to the still full plate as further evidence.
"That one piece could feed an entire third world village. Maybe it couldn't feed the whole country, but a small village could eat for a week. One bite would probably be more than they had eaten in a while." That explanation wasn't getting her anywhere, but she was desperate to get out of there. She only had a few minutes to patch up her cuts that were reopened during class and she was pretty sure she didn't do a great job. Blood would be seeping through her clothes any second. "Just like everything else in my life, I suck at that too." She thought. "I'm not hungry. When I'm nervous I can't eat." Partly true; it was more like she just couldn't keep what she ate down. "And I'm nervous now." She didn't want to admit it, but she didn't want to give the other reasons for not eating.
"Why are you nervous?"
"Results are official tomorrow and I don't know how I did. I'm just anxious I guess. Does this mean I can go now?"
"No."
"What?" They were doing so well.
"Finish that slice and then you can go." That wasn't the best way to start off the doctor's advice. She folded the first round, but compromise was better than brawling.
She couldn't eat anymore. "But I'm not hungry."
"I'm not going to argue with you. Eat it and you can go after you do the dishes or we can stay here until you clear everything on your plate." There was no room for leeway. Rachel could see her mother's conviction.
"You win." She, without pause, reached down to the half eaten pizza and chomped away. In seconds there was nothing but crumbs left of it and with a mouth full of food she looked to Shelby. "Good?"
Face crinkled with a look of horror, Shelby said, "That's disgusting Rachel." She felt disgusting, so what was the real difference? Sooner or later Shelby was going to see the putrid creation that was her daughter anyway. Better sooner than later to learn the truth. "Just go… Go to your room and do what you need to do." It was a long day. "I'll do the dishes just for today because Beth and I aren't done. Just remember lights out at nine."
"What? We didn't agree to that." She stood abruptly from the table.
"We didn't agree on a lot of things, but I'm telling you and that's the way it is."
"Great! Frickin' great." Quietly, so Shelby couldn't hear, Rachel whispered, "You're the bitch and I get in trouble. That's so unfair."
"What was that?"
"I said I'm going to my room." She snapped and ran directly to her bathroom.
Shelby checked on her later that night, after Rachel went through all her rituals, cleaned herself up, and hopped into bed. She knocked gently on Rachel's door but received no answer. The room was dark, lights off and blinds shut. "She actually listened to me?" Shelby sounded smug; surprised and smug. Rachel was tucked into bed, almost every inch of her body covered by blanket as Shelby made her way toward her. Sitting, she reached a hand to Rachel's head and ran it kindly through her hair. Fighting the urge to tense and flinch away from the touch, Rachel did her best to stay calm and just listen. "I know things are rough between us, but we're going to make it." Shelby continued her loving strokes. "We're doing better every day. And I know you can't hear me, and you wouldn't want to hear it even if you could, but I love you Rachel. I love you Rachel, and deep down, I know you love me too." Slightly opening her eyes, releasing the tension that came from squeezing them so tight, she realized for the first time that her sleeve wasn't rolled down. In her hurry to conceal her disobedience and make it seem like she was in fact in bed on time, she forgot to roll it down. Exposed for the world to see were two bright red and raw cuts on her forearm further illuminated by the tiniest sliver of moonlight that spotlighted the issue. So, so stupid… She wanted to panic, but she didn't want to give up the ruse yet. Moving at snail speed, mere millimeters a minute, Rachel shifted her arm's position to hide the evidence. Luckily, just as Shelby leaned in to kiss Rachel's cheek and was seconds away from the perfect view, the older woman's movement's allowed the perfect moment to twist her arm so the cuts faced the bed and not Shelby. It was a relief. Pulling away from Rachel, Shelby spoke one last time. "Sleep tight baby girl. Mommy loves you."
As Shelby left the room, Rachel released a single tear that ran down her cheek. She was fighting it. She didn't want to cry. Hearing Shelby say that shouldn't have made her cry. Nothing Shelby related should've made her cry. And yet, it did. It bothered her. How could words she always wanted to hear bother her so much? "Mommy loves you." Yeah right. No one loved her.
"Mommy thinks you're a loser. She didn't mean any of it." She said aloud, but not loud enough for Shelby to know she was awake and talking to herself. There didn't need to be anymore reasons for Shelby to think less of Rachel. Any lower and she'd be dead and buried. Maybe things would be better then. Or worse? She could spend eternity in the underworld burning in the scolding hell fires. She didn't know. What was really out there? What happened after death?
For some reason, finding out seemed appealing, but she wasn't ready for that just yet. There were still things she needed to do, dreams she needed to conquer. Rock bottom hadn't quite hit yet, but when it did, it was going to be bad. At that very moment, though, she just wanted to get through the night. Not able to keep them at bay any longer, a flood of silent tears slid from her eyes until the point of exhaustion. Crying was a workout. She kept crying until she fell into an uneasy sleep.
The next day Rachel found out that she got a lead in the recital. Starting that Sunday, she'd be learning her new role which included a dance solo. Only three people got those; two girls and one guy. She was one of the lucky few. She was thrilled when she found out and honestly couldn't believe it. Everyone else was better than her. She had no idea how she got it. How could she have messed up so often and done so terribly and still got it? She didn't know, but she was happy. The happiness was temporary. It just meant more pressure. She was going to be on that stage for all to see, point at, and laugh at. So it was time to get serious. Shelby's watchful eyes or not, she couldn't go stuffing her face anymore. Workouts needed to be pumped up. Shelby had been ragging on her more about eating since the doctor and making sure the elliptical was not in use on dance days. Not even a full day later and she had said something about eating more than a dozen times. Even so, Rachel knew what she had to do. She was going to take her victory and twist it up. It was one down, a hundred more obstacles to go. That meant pushing harder and doing more. She needed to prove that she deserved the spot and that they made the right choice. She was the right choice. Shelby wouldn't stop her. Humoring her mother was something she learned to do and would continue to do, only better and she was sure to make a show of it. If she was going to do it, she was going to go all out.
Next thing she knew, it was time for their Friday night dinner and conversation. There was a lot to talk about, there was a lot to be discussed, and many things that needed to be addressed and dealt with, but some things were untouchable. In no uncertain terms was Rachel going to come close to opening up and divulging her deepest secrets, but there was some holding back that she was ready to release. There were some things she was ready to get off her chest. And maybe she'd never be ready for the rest, but she was trying; in her own way, she was trying. Even in her sordid state of mind, she wanted to be a daughter Shelby would want and could be proud of. That was all she wanted.
Shelby thought a public venue would be best for the event. She didn't know if it was going to be a big blow out or a civil conversation, but she thought the chances for the former decreased if they were in public. Breadstix was too close to home though. Too many of Rachel's friends would be around because it was such a local hangout, and she didn't want Rachel to hold back because of it, so she settled on somewhere else. It was a bit of a drive, but Shelby found a vegan bistro the next town over. She thought it would show Rachel that she cared and listened and there would be no excuse for her not to eat.
Knowing Beth was safe at home with a babysitter, Shelby went into the restaurant with as clear a mind as possible. It would be the first of many of those dinners, but she wanted to start it out right. They didn't have to delve straight into the deep seeded insecurities and abandonment issues. They didn't have to go too heavy too quickly, but she wanted it to work. Shelby needed to know what was going on in her daughter's life and in her mind. And Rachel needed to know that Shelby truly loved her. That was the point of the so called punishment; nothing more, nothing less, but if it led to greater things, Shelby would happily accept it.
"So?" Rachel began after ten minutes and a car ride of silence. She couldn't take it any longer.
"So…"
"What are we supposed to do here?"
"Eat and talk." Rachel rolled her eyes and sighed. It wasn't going to be easy. She was hoping Shelby would carry the conversation and she'd put in the occasional due, but Shelby wanted her to do all the talking. The end result was stalemate. "I want this to be as natural as possible. We can talk about whatever you want to talk about."
"Whatever?"
"Whatever you want… within reason."
"What was that phone call about?"
"Which call?"
"When I was at dance you said you couldn't stay because you received a call and that we'd talk about it today. So unless that was a lie you made up as some sort of an excuse to get out of there, who was it?"
"Oh, right." There were two calls actually. One of them they'd discuss at a later date, but the other was more time sensitive. "The call was from Puck."
"Puck?" Surprised was the least of what she was feeling. "What did he want?"
"Well, before you came to live with me, we talked about him and Quinn coming to see Beth. They both visited once or twice, but then everything happened and we never got to iron everything out." One more thing to add to the list... She kept a baby from getting to know her birth parents. A terrible person; that was what she was. "Not long ago, he expressed some interest in seeing Beth again. I told him to call me."
"Ok." She didn't want to hear anymore. She was still mad at him for what he said, and she had yet to figure anything out. Seriously, what did she do? But that was neither here nor there. He was an ass. That was all she could see, but she put it aside because she was stuck working with him. Was her mother plotting against her? Sometimes it felt like it.
"I told him there were conditions to seeing her." Shelby was trying to engage Rachel further. She was proud that Rachel started the conversation, but she wanted more. Assuaging her into interacting wasn't effective, so Shelby just rambled on. "At first, he's not allowed to see her unless you or I are around."
"Why me?"
"Because I trust you to keep an eye on them and make sure everything's alright." Conditional trust; wonderful. When she wants something she trusts Rachel.
"Whatever."
"I figured he could start visiting either before or after you work on your project together. That's partly why I partnered you."
"Partly?"
"Another condition was that he needed to maintain at least a C average in all his classes and refrain from receiving any disciplinary punishment."
"Good for him." That was the end of that for her. Puck was not one of the ok topics she preplanned. He was supposed to be off limits. "He should be able to see her if that's what he wants." Unlike her who wanted nothing to do with her very own flesh and blood. Rachel wasn't worth it, but Beth was.
Neglecting to pick up on any hostility, Shelby just went on. "How's your project coming anyway?"
"Fine." They weren't talking. "We've set up an appropriate schedule which I'm sure you can discuss with Puck later." He wasn't Noah anymore and they weren't getting along, but he deserved to be a part of that little girl's life. He loved her in ways Rachel was never loved, and she wouldn't keep either of them from experiencing that because she was a little, a lot, angry.
"Good. If you need any help…"
"We don't." She quickly cut in.
"But if you do, I'm always there. You just need to ask." Not ever going to happen. Rachel was stubborn and persistent. She didn't need help and she wouldn't ask for it either.
"Moving on…" They continued to talk about nothing important. It was really just small talk to get them through. They were both surprised to realize how easy it was to talk to each other about the little things when there was no fighting or yelling. It was simple and normal like a mother and daughter should be, but that was slightly ruined. Once they ordered, things became a little tense. Rachel didn't appreciate Shelby's new found obsession with her food intake. She questioned food choices, watched as she ate; it was annoying and uncomfortable. It made Rachel want to do certain extracurricular activities that much more. But that'd be difficult with her mother's hovering. Every bite was monitored. Every stab of the fork was noted. She was surprised Shelby allowed her to feed herself. But she had a plan. Knowing Shelby would follow her to the bathroom afterwards, throwing up wouldn't be an option. So she ordered a salad as her side which she knew she could easily burn off the calories for, and she could conveniently get full and ask that the rest of her order be packaged for later. It would work out. She even brought a big purse with a baggie inside to hide the rolls she'd eat in. It was all figured out.
"Why aren't you eating?" Salads were gone and the main course was in front of them.
"I'm stuffed already."
"You've barely eaten."
"Are you kidding? I've had like six rolls and my entire salad." She even ate, almost, a whole roll. She'd be paying for that later. The elliptical was going to make her its bitch.
"Eat a little more of your actual dinner please. We can get the rest to go." That little Shelby requested was taken care of via the napkin trick. Rachel was reluctant to do it in public. The restaurant didn't use the cheap paper napkins. They used cloth so some poor underpaid worker would have to scrub their wrinkled fingers hard against the delicate cloth to get the food stains off. Why couldn't it be a non eco friendly place so she didn't have to feel guilty about something she shouldn't have been feeling guilty about in the first place? What were a few more lost trees? And then, thinking that, she just felt worse and guilty for other reasons.
"Better?" Rachel asked incredulously, eyes wide with fake innocence. There was nothing innocent about what she was doing.
"It's fine. We'll get the rest to go and you can eat it later." Rachel played with her food as Shelby continued to eat hers. Not much was said in that time, but as Shelby was down to her last few bites, she decided to try conversation again. "So we talked about our weeks and the phone call. Is there anything else you want to talk about?" She was hopeful, but all she got was a shrug and groan. "Nothing?" There was something, but Rachel didn't really want to bring it up. Shelby could see there was something on her mind so she just stared through the silence.
"I miss my dads." She finally said.
"It's normal to feel that way. I'd be worried if you didn't. You'll always miss them." Rachel wasn't really listening. Whatever Shelby said was heard but not registered. She was more focused on the fact that she was willingly having an emotional conversation with her estranged mother in the middle of a vegan eatery while trying to duck out of eating. It was a lot to balance.
"But I realize now that I've been missing them long before the accident. This is just a more final type of missing. When they were there, it was great. They were great; the best fathers a girl could hope for, but as I got older, I saw les of them. So they were missing to me. They could've come back before, but now they can't. Before they didn't want to, kind of like you. They chose to walk away, but now they don't have a choice." She threw that comment in, not in a way meant to hurt Shelby, but to actually be honest. That was how she felt and honesty was what she wanted. Shelby was getting that however much it hurt her. "That's the bitch of living I guess. You deal with what you're dealt. My hand just happens to be short a few high cards, down a few kings and a queen." Definitely no aces that she could see.
"Rachel, I didn't…" Her saddened words were cut off.
"It's ok Shelby." It wasn't, but she accepted it. "I understand." No one wanted her. She got that. "You have Beth and that's what you wanted. She's your clean slate and I'm your murky water." Everybody's murky water… "You shouldn't feel bad about trying to start over." Without her… Why would she want Rachel to be a part of that? Everything about her was dirty and complicated. "Sometimes I wish I could start over."
Hurt feelings aside and motive clarifications on hold, Shelby wanted to know more. "Why's that?"
"Maybe we wouldn't be where we are. Maybe Hiram and Leroy wouldn't be ashes in the wind and a name engraved on a plaque of an empty urn. I don't know; things would be different. Maybe they'd be better."
"But then you wouldn't be with me." Isn't that what she wanted? "Terrible things happened, and I wish the events leading up to you coming to be with me were different, but I'm happy that you're with me and Beth." She wanted so bad to believe it. She wanted nothing more to believe it, but she didn't. However, she'd pretend she did. A mix of real and costume tears fell from her eyes. "We're a family now. You, me, and Beth." They were having an honest conversation and watching her daughter become so emotional made her feel gratified, whole, and real. "I want us to be a real family. I want a good, healthy relationship with you." Shelby reached across the table and gripped Rachel's hand to affirm her convictions. "I love you Rachel. You shouldn't doubt that. I love you just as much as I love Beth." For a while, Rachel didn't say anything. She relished in the, meant to be, comforting touch of her mother before pulling the hand away and wiping the tears from her eyes. It would be a mix of play and pretend for a while, but maybe it could eventually be real. Or maybe all the lies would just make it feel real. Lie enough and anything is believable.
"I don't know where we're going to end up, but I'm going to try. I want us to have some sort of functional relationship too." She didn't know if it was actually going to happen, but she meant the words she spoke. The relationship was something she always wanted and she owed it to Shelby to be better at it. And if things didn't work out, like she expected, and it turned out to be another façade in her life, then the saying stood true. Keep friends close and enemies closer. Shelby could just as easily fit either role.
I finally had some sporadic alone time to write last week. The family went on a 21 and older day and I, being underage, was left at home to be designated babysitter. However, that was a week ago and since then, the site malfunctioned, I was sick, and I was an emotional wreck. Saying goodbye sucks. I literally cried for what felt like hours and stressed myself to the point of being sick. But I hope the wait was worth it. Here's an extra long chapter.
Thank you for being so patient with me and understanding my lax upload schedule. Things should be back to normal now; whatever normal is. I'll try to be more routine.
I apologize for any grammar and spelling errors.
I hope you enjoyed this chapter. Until next time…
I want to say that I'm so grateful for all of the wonderful comments. Thank you to everyone who reviewed, favorited, and/or added this to their alerts. Don't be afraid to tell me what you think or if there's anything you'd like to see happen.