Chapter 27: Starting to Fall
Still in a foul mood, Rachel woke with a start. It was still early, but she had foregone her normal workout for the extra rest. She needed it come competition time, especially since she had a hard time falling and staying asleep. But she'd make up for it later after they won and she could finally calm down. Until then, everything else had to be put on hold. There could be no distractions. There couldn't be anything in her way. She just had to put on her show face and stay focused. They were going to win. They needed to. She wanted to go to New York. And winning would get her there.
Around seven, she began getting ready. Their uniforms were ugly… again. At least on her they were, but she didn't look like a blueberry, so that was a plus. There was, however, a slight problem. They were all sleeveless. She had a plan though. She just hoped she could execute it. Taking the garment bag she brought down the day before from the coat rack, Rachel went into the downstairs bathroom to change and make herself presentable. No amount of makeup or facial reconstruction could make that even a remote possibility, but she was going to try anyway. She planned to stay in the bathroom until it was time to go. She didn't want to run into the relatives; any of them. There was enough on her mind without a reminder that they'd all be watching her. She couldn't mess up. She had to be flawless. So she had to remain focused no matter how hard it was.
"Rachel?" That was Casey's voice. Similar yet different to Shelby's; less nasal and more like her own.
"Yes?" She asked through the bathroom door.
"Your mother wants you in the kitchen for breakfast." Apparently, plans change.
"I'll be right there."
She had been ready for over ten minutes; she just didn't want to leave the bathroom after she heard a few people go by. Originally she thought she'd be able to wait them out and stay there until the last minute, but she rarely got what she wanted anymore. So, sliding into her jacket and zipping it up all the way, both because it was cold and she needed to cover the cuts on her arms, Rachel joined everyone in the kitchen.
"Good morning Rachel." Shelby was way too perky. "Breakfast is on the table. Help yourself."
"Thanks…" She guessed.
Shelby soon disappeared from the room to tend to Beth leaving Rachel alone with Casey. Her aunt was reading the paper as Rachel snuck a glance every so often. She was just picking at her toast, ripping it into tiny pieces. It was a habit she formed. The smaller the food, the more it looked eaten and the less she had to eat. After some time passed and, with the exception of utensils against the plates and the coffee cups colliding with the table, the silence took over, Rachel could feel Casey's eyes on her. "Are you nervous?" She asked.
"A little I guess. I don't usually get nervous, but the cheerleading coach likes to threaten our glee club and if we don't make it to and win Nationals this year, there won't be a club next year."
"Why?"
"Like I said, people like to threaten our club."
"I'm sorry."
"It's not your fault." She didn't know why she was so willingly talking to this woman, but she felt ok doing it. "Are you older than Shelby or younger?"
"I'm five years older."
"Married?"
"I am married. I figured when I introduced myself I should use my maiden name so you'd know who I am, and I still use it sometimes. But I am married. Your uncle's name is Mark James."
"Why didn't he come?"
"He went to visit his family in California."
"Kids?"
"You have a cousin. I wish you could've met him but he went with his father. He's about two years older than you. Danny is in college studying to be a lawyer."
"That's great. You must be so proud."
"I am. Your mother's proud of you too." Rachel highly doubted that.
"I know." She lied convincingly. "Are you coming today?" Rachel honestly didn't know whether she was hoping for a yes or no. She'd be nervous either way.
"We're all going to be there cheering you on. But I think you'll do great. If you're even half as amazing as your mother tells us you are, I know you'll blow it out of the water."
"Yeah… thanks."
"You should eat more. It will help take your mind off of everything."
"Who says? Dr. Phil? I think they call that stress eating and I highly doubt that's a proven technique to relieve anxiety, nor can it be healthy. Gluttony is a growing problem in our country." Casey laughed at her.
"I'm sorry." She said, but kept laughing. "You're just so much like me when I was a kid. I used to over talk every situation and use all the big words. It used to drive everyone nuts."
"But you stopped?"
"When you get older, you'll find that sometimes, the fewer words, the better."
"I should finish getting ready." Rachel just ignored what her aunt said. She found talking to Casey too effortless, and she needed to get out of there before she said something she didn't really want said. But Casey wouldn't let her leave that easily.
"Maybe you should finish eating first." It was a demand wrapped in a not so subtle recommendation. "Just coffee will rot your stomach."
"I put some food in my bag to eat once I've calmed down. My stomach's a little jittery." Her excuses just rolled right off her tongue.
"Ok…"
"I have to go finish, but I'll see you there."
"I can't wait."
Rachel left as quickly as possible without raising suspicion. They were all so nice to her, but she didn't understand why and she really didn't want to get used to it. Eventually, sooner or later, she'd do something to make them hate her. She'd do something to anger or disappoint them, and when the time came, she didn't want to be too attached. She was going to do her best not to like them too much.
"Rachel, let's go." Shelby called for her. Immediately, she rushed to grab the bag from her room before hurrying down.
"Come on." She said when she reached the door. "I thought you'd never be ready."
"Rachel, we're still early. We're going to be the first ones there."
"Being early shows that you are prepared and have leadership abilities. Everyone else follows you there."
"Whatever you say Rachel, just get in the car." Rachel led the way to the car and as they were about to pull away, she noticed the gift bag Rachel was carrying. "What's with the bag?"
"It's nothing, just some things I have for the group."
"You got them something?"
"It's for team bonding. It's necessary to ensure unity and togetherness. There will be no mutiny and we will do well."
"So what is it?"
"You'll see."
As predicted, they were the first ones there. One by one the rest of the group rolled in and eased the growing silence between the brunette duo. Mr. Schue was one of the last people to arrive. The group went through head check and last minute details before they finally boarded the bus. "Are you coming on the bus?" Rachel asked Shelby.
"No, I only help out. I'm not really a co-director and there are enough chaperones so I'm going to ride up with Casey and your grandparents; if that's ok with you."
"That's great. Bye." She rushed off right after that. And once Artie was situated and secure on the bus, they were headed out.
She wasn't sure when to present the gifts. She didn't know if they would be well received or turned away simply because they were from her. What she did know, however, was that she had to give them to the group and get them to agree to use them before she took off her jacket. There couldn't be any discourse. They'd just have to accept her offering without dispute.
The ride was long, but she didn't notice as she remained in her own world. She had never felt more insecure about an upcoming performance. Honestly, she had never felt so riddled with all things anxiety. It seemed to be getting increasingly worse with each competition, with each step on a stage. But with this one, she had the added benefit of having her mother, grandparents, and aunt all sitting out there with all eyes on her waiting for her to stun them. What if she missed a note or faltered in her steps? What if she wasn't what they expected? Would she be letting them down? The added pressure was definitely there.
"Let's go guys. We're here." Schue told them with excitement. Rachel couldn't believe they were already there. Had that much time passed?
Kurt, who was her seat mate on the ride, had to nudge her out of her funk. She wasn't sleeping, but he did tell her she was out of it the whole ride. "I know Kurt. I was just going over the moves and singing the song in my head. I really want to win."
"Then come on Diva, let's go get that trophy."
Happily taking her hand, they made their way into the auditorium of the host school. They never preformed there before, but it was a nice school. They went through check in and went over the schedule one final time before they headed into the auditorium to watch the other group's go. They were last. It was good. People remember the last. They'd be fresh in the judges' mind. Her failures and flaws would be fresh in their minds…
She tried to stay away from the others until intermission. She just needed some alone time and she didn't want to run the risk of running into the Corcoran bunch. That would be too much. So, deciding she'd give them their gifts before their final rehearsal, the quick run through they'd do before going on stage, and knowing she could still watch from anywhere in there, Rachel excused herself to use the restroom and get something to eat. People offered to come with her, mainly Kurt, but she knew they didn't really want to come. They were being polite and she really didn't want the company. Later she'd wish someone did come.
For a half an hour she just wandered around aimlessly. She couldn't stay gone too long. Mr. Schue made that clear and she really didn't want reinforcements sent. So after a quick trip to the bathroom and a few laps around the school, she decided to go back. She wished McKinley looked like that place; clean and free of slushie stains. As she rounded the corner of, what she thought to be, the arts hallway, she was back with the masses, thrown into a small crowd at the concessions stand. All she wanted to do was get back to her seat and that was a struggle.
"Rachel!" A familiar voice called to her. She knew that voice and she just wanted to ignore it, so she kept walking. "Rachel!" He called again, this time closer as he put an arm on her shoulder.
"What? What are you doing here?"
"It's good to see you too." He said sarcastically. This was not good.
"Jesse? What are you doing here?" She didn't want to deal with him. There was so much going on without him there. Her grandparents, then her aunt, now Jesse too? How many surprise visitors could she deal with in such a short time?
"I came to make amends and watch you perform. You don't seem thrilled to see me." He said it like she should be happy. They didn't exactly part on good terms. In fact, he was pretty cruel to her. Dead baby chicks…
"Yeah, well, I'm still trying to get over the eggs being smashed on my head. It takes a long time to get the residual shell out of hair." The animosity was ever present. Having him there wasn't doing anything for her issues.
"I had to Rachel. You know that."
"No Jesse. You had a choice. You could've said no, but you did it anyway." She felt disgusted, like she was being violated all over. Poor baby chicks. Shaking off the goose bumps that ran through her body at the mere thought of that day, Rachel continued, "That still doesn't explain what you're doing back here. You're supposed to be at UCLA."
"Did you know you actually have to show up for classes?"
"Yes Jesse. That's customary in a school environment. How else would you learn what you need to learn?"
"Well, I was kicked out several weeks ago for lack of attendance and failing grades. How was I supposed to know I actually had to take the tests? At Carmel I always just passed."
"Good for you. But that doesn't explain why you're here, here. Why would you drive all the way out here just to watch me perform?"
"I'm not just here for you. Although I very much would like to enjoy your company for dinner if you'd oblige me, I also came to cheer on my old team. I see your mother no longer coaches."
"Does it matter?"
"Too bad for her. What's she doing now anyway? Still off somewhere with the spawn?" Every word he spoke just annoyed her that much more. What did she ever see in him? At one point he was sweet, wasn't he? Or was that just something she wanted to see because she desperately wanted someone to care about her? She was, after all, just getting over Finn at the time.
"I live with her."
"What? Did the dads think you went flat? Can't hit the right notes anymore?"
"They're dead." She said hostilely as she, again, attempted to leave.
"Wait, I'm sorry." He said as he grabbed her hand. "That's… I'm sorry."
"Everyone's sorry Jesse. It happened. It's over. I have to return before someone comes looking."
"Are you ok?"
"I'm fine. It happened a few months ago. Things have been better since."
"No, I mean your arm. You flinched when I touched it."
"No I didn't."
"Yes you did. Is that freakishly tall Finn hurting you?" She was really hoping the smirk on his face was just a figment of her imagination.
"No one's hurting me Jesse. Please, just let go so I can go to my seat."
"About that dinner?" He asked as she walked away.
"I don't think so Jesse."
"Is it because of Finn?" He challenged.
"No, Finn and I have been over for a long time. He's with Quinn now."
"Then why won't you go out with me?" Why was she even still there? "Is there something wrong with you? "
"Jesse, I don't want to go out with you because of our previous relationship. We didn't work then. We're not going to work now and I'd really prefer not to be washed in dead baby animals."
"It was one egg."
"You knew how I felt and you did it anyways."
"Whatever, go back to Finn and your gang of misfit clowns. I don't need you."
"Bye Jesse. Good luck with… whatever you do now that you're back."
Quietly, so that she wouldn't hear, he said, "You're the one that's going to need luck after I take over for Vocal Adrenaline."
Rachel left him behind as she quickly returned to the auditorium. She wasn't happy about seeing Jesse on that day of all days, but it could've gone worse. It didn't go well, but it could've been worse, and she reminded herself of that. But there was still the added pressure of him being there. It was just one more face in the audience that she had to impress when she wasn't feeling her best. Though, was she ever really at or feeling her best anymore? Not really...
"What took you so long? We were about to send out a search party." Kurt said.
"Rachel, no more wondering off on your own. If you need to go somewhere, ask and then take someone with you."
"I will Mr. Schue. And I'm sorry I took so long. There was a huge line for the ladies' room and the concession stand was still long even during the performances. I swear these people come for the candy and popcorn." She responded as she took her seat next to Kurt.
"Shelby and the rest of your family came to wish you good luck. I told them I'd tell you."
"I'll tell them you told me. Thank you."
"They seem nice."
"They are very nice Kurt."
"Shelby said you should invite me over sometime."
"Well that was very nice of her, but you don't have to come just because she pressured you into it."
"I told her I'd like that, and maybe since you're no longer grounded we can finally go on that shopping trip."
"Will Blaine be coming?"
"Yes."
"We'll discuss it later. Right now, you need to fill me in on what I missed. How were our competitors?" From what Kurt told her, and he told her a lot, they had some stiff competition. There were five teams at this stage and they had to place in first to go to Nationals. He was worried they wouldn't, thus, she was worried they wouldn't. She was more worried that so much of their winning was riding on her solo. That was one third of the score. If she screwed up even a little, they would lose. Then she'd let everyone down, but especially Mr. Schue. And while he never stood up for her or defended her or really cared about her and her opinion, he was the closest thing to an actual parent she had around. Everyone else was too busy to even deal with her.
"Intermission, we get the choir room for fifteen minutes." Mr. Schue informed them. In an orderly fashion, as orderly as New Directions could be, they filed out of the auditorium leaving Ms. Pillsbury to save their seats.
After a little trouble finding the right room, they loosely went through the steps and the vocals, not wanting to strain the voices or their bodies before they went on. As it got closer and closer to show time, it was obvious that they were all a little on edge. Rachel thought it was a perfect time to bring up her little gift.
"You guys are going to do great. Let's head back to our seats. Two more and then we're up." As the group started out, Rachel interrupted.
"Wait. Mr. Schue, if I may, I have something I'd like to say."
"Oh great, the queen wishes to make a statement." Mercedes said.
"What is it now Yenta?" Quinn… always a friend.
"Go ahead Rachel. You have the floor."
"Thank you Mr. Schue." She took her bag from the floor and turned to the group. "As you know, it has been a tough year for me, as I'm sure it has been for all of you as well. And with the threat of disbandment, I thought it would be great to have one last moment to bring us all together before we win. Just in case…" She drifted off a bit thinking about how much more life would suck without glee and how she had to do well to keep that from happening. "Anyway, I took the liberty of buying us something for today. Our costumes are rather lavish, more modern day old Hollywood, very glamorous and fancy, so I thought this would be a nice idea."
"Enough yammering, give us the gifts. Me likes presents." At least Santana didn't call her a name that time. Things were still a little weird between them.
"Ok. Well these are for the boys." Rachel pulled out small gift boxes no larger than that used for bracelets. And these are for the girls." Their boxes were bigger, longer. "This one's Finn's… Noah… Quinn… Kurt…. Santana…" She handed each and every one of them their gifts.
"Is it everyone's birthday?" Brittany asked. "Were we all born on the same day? Happy Birthday!"
"No Britts. It's no one's birthday."
She looked confused. "But we're opening presents. Everyone is."
"Rachel got them for us to be nice."
"Oh, can we open them?"
"Before you do," Rachel interrupted, "know they're not anything extravagant, simply something to unify us as we go on stage."
"Yeah, whatever. I'm going to open it now." Santana responded. Everyone opened their boxes unsure how to respond. The gifts weren't anything super expensive or flashy, and they weren't the most practical for that particular group of people either, and it would serve its purpose. They would effectively cover her cuts and keep her secrets as well as give everyone something to remind them they are a team.
"Uh… Berry? What the hell is this?" Puck asked holding the object like it was something foul or offensive.
Approaching him she said, "It's a tie clip. When we compete the boys almost always wear ties. And these say New Directions on them along with your initials. You can wear it if you have to wear something formal. It doesn't just have to be for competition." She explained as she put it on him. "There. Simple."
"Is it cold out San?"
"No Brittany." Rachel answered for her. "These are long dressing gloves or opera gloves. They're supposed to be fancy like in the old movies when the women dressed up." They were simple and elegant made out of black satin with hand stitched embroidery of their group name and initials. She even threw in a star for good measure. It took a little time to plan and execute, but she figured it would pay off in the end.
"Are we going to be in the movies?"
"No."
"Oh but they're still pretty. Can I wear them now?"
"You're supposed to wear them. We all are. What do you think?"
"This ain't my style, but it's…" It almost pained her to be so kind. "It's kind of cool and it matches our outfits. So thanks midget."
Quinn shot Santana a dirty look and asked, "Why are you being nice to her?"
"She did something nice for us. We can at least be decent for a fraction of a second. Now slow your roll Fabray before I go all Lima Heights Adjacent on your ass." Rachel didn't understand Santana defending her one bit, especially to Quinn, but she'd take it.
There was around of thank yous from everyone. She even gave Mr. Schue a tie clip so he didn't feel left out and he appreciated it. Overall, it went better than she thought it would. No one refused to wear it, and she'd keep her secret another day. She may have even built bridges to gap the space between her and the other members; that was a big maybe but still a maybe. She'd take that. It was a win in her book.
Taking her small victory, Rachel joined them in the journey back to their seats. It was only one hour until they were on that stage. One hour and forty five minutes before they knew whether they would be going home winners, trophy, New York and all, or they'd be going home to say goodbye to New Directions forever. Waiting was excruciating, especially for Rachel, but when it came time to head into the green room for final touch ups and any last minute details, there was a general sense of excitement. Rachel was more nervous than anything really.
If it weren't the gloves that she was so happy to be wearing, her palms would've been balmy and sweaty; just gross. She didn't understand it. She didn't get nervous. That was what she was taught. And she learned that there was no need to be nervous. With the amount of practice she put in, she shouldn't have been, but there were just so many people out there waiting for her to fail; watching and waiting for her downfall. But she was determined not to give them that satisfaction. She would do great. She'd do her best. Her best just had to be good enough. The team was depending on her. Her family was there to see her shine. So she'd have to do just that.
Rachel's internal monologue was cut short as Mr. Schue started one of his own. "We all want this, so let's get out there and win it." Short and sweet… Apparently not, though, because he went on. "We've worked hard, harder than we usually do thanks to Shelby. So let's thank her for her help and show her we got this. No matter what, I'm proud of you all. But we want to get to New York, so let's get there. You are all talented and you deserve this." The speech wasn't really motivational, but it was very Schue like. It got the job done telling the students that no matter what, win or lose, he'd still care and he'd still be proud.
Her stomach was in knots as the announcer called them out, and they got in position. Breathing was hard and she was sure she was going to pass out from the stress alone. But she took a calming breath and looked at her glee mates' smiling faces and knew she had to focus for them. Her gaze shifted to the audience. It was dark and hard for her to see. They definitely couldn't see her. But as she waited for the music to start and the lights to come on, she couldn't help but look for everyone. Were they up close or deep in the back?
Spotting them did nothing but make that terrible butterfly feeling in the pit of her stomach worse. They looked so happy and she was just going to let them down. And seeing Jesse in the first row made her want to barf. She had to do well; she had to. "New York," she thought, "Just remember you want to get to New York. You can do this." She really hoped she could. Her talent was unquestionable. She was gifted. But somehow, she found a way to question it. Some days, she didn't know whether she had what it took to make it.
But once the first note rang out, the music started playing, and the lights were on her, all her doubts were subdued and the smile was painted on. She'd fake it until she made it, just like she always did. Even if she didn't really believe in herself at that moment, she'd pretend to in order to get the job done. The group number was probably the best they've ever been. They were coordinated and precise; not their usual casual flow, but clean and in step, and yet it still had the New Directions' feel to it. And then, they were amazing. The duet was pretty great too. Rachel had suggested Tina sing with Puck. It was an interesting combination with underutilized members and it actually worked. They were flawless; better than she would've done. And she was glad she gave up her spot, although she had to make it look convincingly Berry-like, so she did put up a little fight making it seem like someone else's suggestion, but it all worked out. It gave her more time to focus on the solo that she blew. Like always, she poured her heart and soul onto that stage. She gave it her all and still felt like she failed. Even the standing ovation wasn't enough to convince her otherwise. But, she did need the applause even if it was forced. It still felt good. And since that was a rarity in her life, she'd enjoy it when it came.
As the clapping died down, the lights dimmed, and the curtains closed, they all made their way off stage and back to the green room with smiles on their faces. A gentle tap on her shoulder stopped her from going the rest of the way. "You were great Rachel."
Although she couldn't quite grasp the sincerity of it, hearing it come from him made her all tingly inside. She wasn't clear on what that meant. "Thanks Noah. I loved hearing you sing out there. I don't know why you haven't done it before."
"Finn always took the reins. I was just left in the background. But it felt good. It would've been better if you were singing with me though." He was flirting with her. It was cute and innocent; as innocent as anything Puck was involved in could be.
"Tina needed that. She deserved it."
"Still, I like your voice."
"I like your voice too. You should sing more Noah. I loved your rendition of Sweet Caroline when you sang it for me."
He was about to say something, but they were interrupted. "Come on Puck, Rachel. We're all going to hang out backstage until it's time for the awards to be presented."
"Let's go Noah." Rachel encouraged and led the way out.
The group was antsy. They did well, but they weren't sure that was enough. The others were good too. And the fact that Rachel wasn't spouting off each and every flaw from the other team's performances wasn't boosting their confidence. They did however, have hope. They picked a set list that would appeal to the judges as well as their audience. Just the right amount of theatricality was worked in. More intricate dance steps had been worked in, and, better yet, they were perfected. So, no matter what happened, they really should've been proud of themselves, but a close loss was still a loss. Who would really be happy with that? They wanted and needed to win.
Time passed slowly, but eventually a stage hand told them, along with the other groups, that it was time to head to the stage. Presentation time… One team would leave a winner and four would have their Nationals hopes crushed and broken. And it was time to find out which category they'd fit into. United, they stood huddled on the stage. Their hands intertwined as they waited.
Third place was announced and they waited.
Second place was announced and they waited.
Three teams still had not had their names called. Two of them wouldn't. New Directions would fall into one of the two.
"And the winner of this year's Regional Show Choir Competition is…" Stupid dramatic effect. "From William McKinley High of Lima, Ohio, the New Directions!"
The cheering could be heard on and off the stage. The smiles couldn't be contained. They were happy. And for the brief moment, none of Rachel's other problems mattered. Having her family there felt good. Being on that stage reveling in their victory felt good. She felt normal, but it wouldn't last, so she had to enjoy it while she could. If, for a little while, the world wanted to offer her a little solace and a little satisfaction without her having to go searching for it, she certainly wouldn't turn it away.
So with a genuine smile, she rejoiced in their win and joined the celebration. They were going to New York to win the title. She was going to New York. There was finally something to look forward to. It was something tangible. It was a fact. It wasn't just a dream or a hope. They were going to New York. There were other good things in her life. She had a lead in the recital. Her family, while she wasn't quite ready to accept them as so, was there supporting her and got to see her do well; not great, but well. It was a fair day after a hard night.
Hugs were exchanged as were congratulations as they exited the building and met up with attending family members. Rachel was uncomfortable with their doting. The hugs, the praise… it was all so much. The only one that remotely gave her any space was Casey. Did she already do something to ruin that? She hoped not because out of everyone she met, Shelby included, Casey seemed to be the only one she felt any kinship with. It was odd and inexplicable, but she'd have to see where that led.
"Let's get this trophy home." Mr. Schue said and allowed all the kids said their goodbyes to family.
"We'll see you at home Rachel. Congratulations again. We're proud of you."
"Thanks." That was her simple response. "I'll get a ride back to the house so you don't have to pick me up."
"What? No party?" Shelby was joking, but it was a legitimate question.
"You never said my grounding was officially over."
"Well it is. If you want to go out, you can. You just need to call and let me know where you are and what you're doing."
"Thank you."
"Go; go be with your friends."
"Bye."
The trip went by in just as much of a blur as the ride up. There was such commotion as they came down from the high of the win. In the midst of it all, they all agreed to go out. They wanted to hang out at one of their houses or to Breadstix, but ultimately, they agreed to head to that skating rink that April Rhodes owned. They were allowed free entry and there was Karaoke. It was perfect.
So after putting the trophy in its case back at school, they all packed into several cars and headed out. On the way, Rachel made the call to Shelby explaining where they were going and what they were doing. Shelby was oddly ok with it, agreeing without any hesitation. Rachel had been well behaved, so it really shouldn't have been so surprising. But Rachel found life to be an uphill battle. It so rarely gave her level terrain. Again, it was a break she wasn't going to pass up.
Being there, surrounded by everyone, actually included like they really cared, was the first time since she could remember that she didn't feel like the loser she was. They were all just having fun. And, just that once, her fun wasn't some twisted sense of pleasure she got from hurting herself in some way. She was just there. She was normal. She was there. It would've been perfect if she didn't feel like crap. Rachel Berry didn't get sick, unless she made herself sick. Yet, she hadn't been feeling well. And that went beyond the symptoms caused by her own doing.
She just needed some air. Excusing herself from the gathering, she walked outside. Maybe the cold would help. Her stomach was spasm-ing like the worst period cramps ever. Clearly, her happiness would be short lived. Crouching over and leaning against the brick wall, she tried to breathe through the pain. It wasn't anything she couldn't handle. She felt worse. She did worse. But it didn't make anything better.
"You ok?"
Snapping her head up and standing like nothing was wrong she asked, "Jesse? Are you stalking me now?"
"I heard your victory celebration was here and wanted to congratulate you in person."
"Well, congratulations received. Thank you. We were very happy to have won and made it to Nationals and we are very excited to be heading to New York."
"Stress is not good for the voice Rachel. And neither is that high pitched squeal you have when angry. What I can't figure out is why you're angry."
"Please Jesse, just go. We're trying to enjoy our win and you're here bringing me down."
"I don't see anyone else here."
"That's because they're all inside. I wanted some fresh air to bask in the glory of the win." He wasn't buying that and an awkward quiet took over.
"You're different." Of course she was different. When they were together it was early sophomore year and her problems were still in the early stages. It was really just beginning to go really bad then. That was when help could've deterred her. That was when she needed someone, but there was no one for her to go to. Since then, things have only gotten worse. Instead of an occasional thing, it became a habitual attack. Her problems were her life now. Everything had changed. Her life was changed.
"Well Jesse that can happen after a substantial loss. It's changing."
"But you're not the girl I fell in love with."
"I was never that girl. You were never in love with me Jesse. If you were, you wouldn't have hurt me the way you did."
"I didn't hurt you that bad." Yes, in her book he did. "Did I? What did I really do?"
"You used me Jesse. I was nothing to you."
"We sang together. That meant something. I don't just willingly sing with anyone. But you're special. You were special."
"And I'm not special now?"
"You could be… if you wanted to be."
"Yeah, how?"
"Come to Vocal Adrenaline." That was not what she thought she'd hear.
"What?"
"Come be on my team."
"You took over coaching them?"
"Yes. After their near loss at Sectionals and then again at Regionals, the school felt like they needed a new leader. And since your mother was otherwise occupied, who better than me?"
"I'm sure they could find many coaches better and more qualified than you."
"I won't take offense to that as long as you consider joining our team. We're going to win at Nationals. Don't you want to be a part of that?"
"We can win too. In fact, we just won today."
"But that's a small blip on the radar. I'm talking the big time. Vocal Adrenaline stands a better shot at winning and thus, a better shot of bringing you to Broadway. And really, isn't that what you want?"
"I'm going to be on Broadway someday," although she was doubting that too, "I don't need you to get me there."
"Are you sure about that? Have you looked in the mirror lately? What have they done to you Rachel? Your beauty is lacking. They've made you tired and overworked. Do you see how hard you have to try just to get them to the subpar performers they are?" He was goading her, baiting her over to his side. "With us, you just have to be you. Your talent would be embraced instead of mocked. You'd be on the top at Carmel. People would love you. Don't you want that?"
"What's the point of all this Jesse?" She needed him to stop talking.
"I'm saying that you can be special again. I'm saying that we can whip you into shape, dress you right and throw you in the spotlight where you deserve to be. I'll make you shine Rach. You just have to transfer."
"I have to go Jesse." She was in a hurry to get out of there. He basically called her ugly and fat and, well, nothing else she didn't already think about herself. She didn't need him to tell her those things, even if that wasn't what he meant. "I'm not feeling great. I think I should head home."
"Sleep on it." He said as she walked away."Call me and we can get together. We'll have dinner and catch up. I'll convince you that this is right."
"Goodbye Jesse."
Walking alone, at night was probably a bad idea, especially since she had to pass through a seedy part of town that she tended to avoid, but she just wanted to be away. If she had someplace other than Shelby's to go, she would've went there, but she had nowhere. So she just kept walking. Eventually she'd end up back at Shelby's, but a little aimless wandering didn't hurt. Somehow, her wandering led her in the right direction. Paying attention or not, she ended up at Shelby's. Before if she did that, she would've ended up at her house, her father's house. But that wasn't home anymore. She was homeless. But somehow, even with all the wrong turns and out of the way walking, she ended up there. She wouldn't admit it, and she wouldn't let herself feel it, but it was her home now. However, she planned to stay in denial.
She quietly opened the door hoping not to disturb anyone. All she wanted was to disappear into her room. But that wasn't possible. Her room was being boarded and she wasn't allowed in. She huffed. She had no choice but to face them or hide. And since there was nowhere to hide, she had to make her way into the living room where she could hear everyone talking. "You're home early." Her grandmother stated pulling everyone away from what they were doing to focus on Rachel.
"Yup."
"I didn't hear a car pull in."
"Must've missed it. I had Finn drive me back."
"Oh Finn, that's the ex." Maggie whispered to Casey eliciting a few playful words. "Did you rekindle things with him?"
"No, I just needed a ride." She looked mortified. That wasn't anything she wanted to discuss with her grandmother… or anyone.
Shelby, not liking the way the conversation was going and still not ready to deal with a dating daughter, decided to revert to the original topic. "We weren't expecting you home so soon. Your first day out and you're home early."
"I got tired of skating and the karaoke equipment was down for the evening so I decided to head home early. Luckily Finn was kind enough to give me a ride so I didn't have to disturb you." They looked so happy together. Maggie and Pete were cuddled up on the couch. Shelby and Casey were sitting on the floor looking through some things. Rachel imagined they had many nights like that growing up. "I'm tired, so I think I'll set up the air mattress in Beth's room tonight if that's still ok."
"Sure Rachel. I'll help you."
"That's ok Shelby." She put up a hand to stop her mother from getting up. "I can handle it, but I appreciate your offer of assistance." Not waiting for much more than a nod in reply, Rachel went upstairs. She just wanted to block out the world and forget she talked to Jesse at all.
Beth was already asleep when she got into the room. It was expected. It was after nine and Beth was lugged around in a car for hours. Who wouldn't be tired? As quietly as possible, she set up the bed, blowing it up and waiting. Once that was finished, she went to the linen closet in the hall.
"I thought you would need these." The voice made her jump.
"Casey, you scared me."
"I'm sorry. I just thought you'd need your blanket and pillow."
"I do. Thank you." Rachel said as she took the things from her aunt.
"Let me help you set everything up."
"I'm almost done." She assured her. "Thank you though."
"Just let me help you please." Casey could see the girl wasn't comfortable with so many new people around, which was odd considering Shelby explained that Rachel was a spotlight seeker; the real center of attention. And she didn't want to push her, but she did want to get to know her niece. She also thought it would be better if she started to ease her way into Rachel's life before her restless mother and father just bulldozed whatever bridge they built and overstepped. Maggie wasn't always patient and she wanted her granddaughter to call her Grandma and to call Shelby mom. She was set in her beliefs of right and wrong and she was going to force Rachel into them too. Casey needed to find a way to connect with the girl before her mother ruined any progress. If they could just find something to bond over, they'd be ok. She wanted to be a part of her niece's life.
"Fine."
The two went into the room and silently added linen to the bed. The thought of sharing a room with a toddler was in no way appealing to Rachel, but it afforded more privacy than the open living room and she couldn't fathom kicking her aunt out of her room. What kind of person would she be if she did that? "What are you thinking about?" Casey asked. It was torture watching Rachel's mind work and have no idea what was going through it. So why not ask?
"Planning ahead for nationals. Just because we won doesn't mean we can slack. We have to work even harder now that our competition is so stiff. We're flying to New York to compete against the best in the country and all everyone wants to do is party."
"It's ok to take a little break. Nationals is when? Two, three months?"
"It's toward the end of May."
"So you have plenty of time. Take a few days off to just enjoy your accomplishment. When you go back to school you can get down to business. Until then, you're a teenager, just have a little fun." Her idea of fun or a normal person's idea of fun?
"I guess I can relax for a few days."
"That's the spirit." She joked happily. "I know you said you were tired, but we're about to start a movie. Why don't you join us? Everyone would like that. I know I would and your grandparents want to spend as much time with you as possible."
She didn't want to do it. She wanted to say no. But didn't she just tell herself that she was going to be a better daughter or at least play the part? Being with all of them was part of that. Right? "What are you watching?" She asked hesitantly.
"I don't think we decided yet. But if you're going to join us, you better hurry up. Your grandmother has the worst taste in movies and she usually ends up picking. But if you come, maybe she'll let you pick and you can save us all from misery." She still wanted to say no, but how could she?
"We wouldn't want you all to suffer. I'll be right down."
"Great."
True to her word, Rachel joined the family in the living room for a movie night. And Maggie did let her pick the movie. It was normal. It felt normal even though it wasn't; it wasn't her normal. But she liked it. Maybe; maybe she liked it. She wasn't sure. Their movie night quickly turned into a talk fest. It was like meeting them all over again with all the questions, but at least they talked too. She learned about her cousin and uncle, about what her grandparents did for a living. She learned a lot, and it was… fun. But, she felt eyes on her all night. Shelby definitely inherited the stare from her mother. They were two of a kind in that respect. What Rachel couldn't understand was why she was staring. It made her paranoid and uncomfortable, and that made her want to get out of there as soon as humanly possible. So as soon as the movie was over, she forced out a yawn and bolted.
Before going to sleep, she turned off the baby monitor for her own paranoid reasons and went about her ritual. Just because there were people around didn't mean she could slack off. Her journaling was important; vital to survival. Morning and night weigh ins, a list of everything that went in and out of her body… It all needed to be done. And as soon as it was, she could sleep. It had been a weird couple of days and her emotions were everywhere. One minute she was fine, the next she was lost. It was all so crazy and there was nothing she could do to change it. She just had to do her best to get through it and make it work. She needed to put on that front and be the part; not just play it, be it.
And for the next few days, that was what she did. She was the part. Putting aside her physical and mental ailments, she participated in cooking with her grandmother, although, she did her best not to divulge too much information just enough to appease her. She indulged her grandfather in a little bonding time, agreeing to go to some stupid car thing that she had absolutely no interest in. And Casey was always just there. She didn't make Rachel do anything or ask much of her. She was simply just there. Rachel respected that. She was the only one not adding to the enormous pressure Rachel was already feeling; the only one not forcing her to be what they wanted.
But Wednesday was leaving day. Maggie and Pete had to get home and back to work so they'd officially be out of Rachel's hair. In her head, she knew they were just trying to get to know her and show her how much they care, but, more than anything else, she felt annoyed. And she was annoyed at herself because she knew she'd never be what they wanted. She'd never be enough. So she'd give them what she could and be grateful when they left and hope she hadn't disappointed them too much. She'd realize how impossible that was sooner rather than later.
About midday, Rachel stumbled upon her mother and Maggie talking. Pete was out with Casey getting some stuff for the ride back while Shelby helped her mother finish the packing. Rachel eavesdropped, unintentionally at first, as she passed by the office.
"What are you going to do about her?"
"About who mom?"
"Rachel…" For a second, she thought she was caught. Rachel literally jumped and went wide eyed. But then Maggie continued and she knew she was safe. "Haven't you been listening to me for the past ten minutes?" They were talking about her for that long? Were there really that many bad things to say?
"What about Rachel?"
"Shelby dear, she has to show you some respect."
"She's doing well mom. I don't know what you're talking about."
"She doesn't call you mom."
"And she doesn't have to. Rachel's not comfortable with that. I have to accept it. I haven't been the best mother to her. Can you blame her?"
"No, but I can blame you."
"What?" Despite what was being said about her, all Rachel got from that was a bruised ego and a sense of guilt. She was causing a rift between the newly healed duo. She forced them together at Christmas and they made up, only for her to ruin it for them then. What was wrong with her?
"You don't teach her how to behave. Yes, she's a good kid, but you let her do whatever she wants. How hard is it for you to be a mother to her? Tell her to call you mom. Tell her to call me grandma. She still calls me Mrs. Corcoran. Mrs. Corcoran Shelby! Not even Maggie!" She was on an angry tirade, but Rachel didn't understand. She thought she was being a good granddaughter. She was attentive and she participated. What more did they want from her? "Maybe if you focused a little more on her you'd know she wants your attention." No she didn't. That was the last thing Rachel wanted. More attention meant more lying and it was hard enough trying to keep track of it all already. "Maybe she's not accepting you into her life because you're not accepting her into yours."
"What are you talking about?" Shelby was both confused and angry with her mother's words. She was trying. She was doing the best she could; the best she knew to do.
"I understand you want to make her life a little easier. She has been going through a rough time, but that doesn't mean you just let her be." Maggie could see her daughter was still oblivious. "How much time do you spend with Beth?"
"As much time as I can every day. When we're home, we're together. She's my daughter mom."
"I know she is honey. But how much time do you spend just you and Rachel?"
"I…"
"You don't even know, do you?" The disgusted tone of her voice made Rachel shiver.
"I spend time with her every day. We eat dinner together. She does homework with me."
"Beth is there for all of that. When is it just you and Rachel?"
"I'm not going to force her to be alone with me. With few exceptions, every time I tried we ended up fighting. And I'm too tired to fight with her. It's not worth it."
"Is she worth it?"
Rachel definitely didn't want to know the answer to that, so before Shelby could come out of her stunned silence and answer, she disappeared to Beth's room. There was no need or want to hear the rest of that conversation. She could put two and two together and realize it wasn't going to turn out in her favor; just more Rachel bashing. People would think she'd be used to it by then. Pretending that she heard nothing, she just plopped onto the bed and pulled out her cell phone. Sending a text to Kurt asking if he wanted to hang out for the rest of the day, she laid back and waited for a reply.
I don't know. He wrote. Have plans.
With Blaine? He can come with us. She was desperate to get out. Please, we can go to the Lima Bean and just hang out or we can do something else.
I'll ask him. He really wanted to know what was so urgent. Even before she was in trouble, they weren't spending as much time together and all of a sudden, she wanted to hang out. Something was up. So as he asked Blaine, she impatiently waited for the response. Lima Bean in an hour?
All she needed was permission. I'll see you then. An hour would give her just enough time to say goodbye to her grandparents and get there.
Sneaking back downstairs, she could still hear them arguing about her; she assumed it was still about her. She thought negatively about herself enough already, she didn't need to hear it anymore, so she didn't listen as she approached. Knocking on the slightly ajar door, she waited for an answer. She heard the hushed voices still before they gave permission to enter. "Come in."
"Hi Rachel." Maggie said with a smile like they weren't just talking about her.
"Hi, are you almost done packing?"
"Almost."
"That's good."
"Is there something on your mind Rachel?" Shelby asked.
"I was wondering if it'd be ok if I went out with Kurt."
"Where do you want to go?"
"We're just meeting up at the Lima Bean for a little while."
"You can go tonight."
"I'm supposed to meet him in an hour."
"He'll have to wait. Your grandfather and Casey haven't returned yet and they're leaving shortly."
"They just pulled into the driveway and I can say goodbye now. Please?" Shelby could see it in Rachel's eyes that she needed to say yes. She could only guess what happened and assume it had something to do with the bickering. Did she overhear? If she did, how much did she hear? Shelby really hoped Rachel didn't hear much at all because, although she was strong, she was also extremely sensitive.
"Tell Kurt you'll meet him there. Once you say goodbye, you can go." She gave the permission.
"Thank you." Rachel responded, despondently looking down to the ground. "I'm going to change and then I'll wait in the living room for you to finish so I can say my goodbyes." Rachel left after that. She knew that as soon as she was gone, Maggie was going to have something to say to Shelby and she wanted to be far enough away not to hear it.
And soon, they all found themselves in the common area. Casey and Shelby said goodbye and were putting the bags in their parents' car. That left Rachel alone with them. It was tense at first. She didn't know what to say. Bye didn't seem like enough. I love you or I'll miss you seemed like way too much. Grandma was first to speak. "I'm going to miss you Rachel. We're so proud of you and we're so happy we finally got to meet you. Hopefully we can come to another one of your performances." Without any notice, the older woman's hands were wrapped around Rachel in a loving, yet so uncomfortable, embrace. "Don't be a stranger."
Rachel had yet to say anything, even as her grandmother released her. She and her grandfather just exchanged a look before he broke the silence. "I wish we spent more time together, but it was great getting to know you a little. Maybe you'll come with your mother next time she visits." Rachel nodded. Quietly, Pete leaned down and spoke in her ear, "Can I give you a hug?" He always did respect her boundaries. He understood her issues. She lost everyone close to her and was reluctant to just let others in. Even if his wife was insistent that the girl just accept them, he wouldn't make her do anything.
"Yes." She answered and allowed him to squeeze her tight. She couldn't deny him when he had been so nice to her. "While I didn't show it, and I wasn't sure I was ready," she started speaking to both of them, "I really was happy to meet you both. You're my grandpa and my grandma. I get that now. And I hope you'll visit again soon." She said it with as much sincerity as acting would allow. Some part of her genuinely mean what she said, but she couldn't grasp that and because she couldn't, she didn't believe her own words.
"We'll see you soon." They said satisfied. While she didn't outright call them grandma and grandpa, it was pretty damn close and that made them ecstatic.
"Yeah."
They finished their partings and Rachel was off to meet Kurt and Blaine. She was in a weird mood. After what she heard, after saying goodbye, and then with the way she had been feeling; after just… everything, she needed to be away from the house for a while, especially since she still couldn't claim her bedroom. And everyone was so scattered that day that she couldn't use her normal fixes no matter how bad she wanted them. So she chose the escape; although not her usual one. She went with Kurt instead of Noah. She just needed to be around her friend and listen to him gush about whatever. And she was in no mood to be touched.
When she got to the coffee house, both Blaine and Kurt were there being all cute and couple-ly. She got some satisfaction out of being right; she told Kurt they'd get together. Greeting them, she grabbed a coffee and then joined them at the table. There was a lot of talking about and planning for New York. Obviously, Kurt was as excited as she was for the trip and they were going to make the most of it. Blaine told them about their loss at the Warbler's Regionals against Vocal Adrenaline giving details of the performance. And Rachel let it slip that Jesse took over and may have approached her. She swore him to secrecy, but his outrage was justified.
About two hours in, Kurt got a text. "Who's that from?" Blaine asked.
As he typed a reply, he answered, "It's Mercedes. She said some of the glee kids are heading to the bowling alley and wanted to know if we wanted to go."
"Do we want to go?" Blaine responded while gesturing to Rachel.
"If you want to go, you should go. I should get home anyway." She didn't want them to feel they had to invite her. This wasn't an after event celebration, it was just a get together. And since it wasn't at Kurt's, they were under no obligation to invite her.
"They want you to come too Diva. What do you say?"
"Oh, they do?" Kurt nodded. "I'd have to ask Shelby."
"Ask her then so I can give them an answer." Pulling out her phone, she shot Shelby a text asking for permission. She received a swift yes with instructions to fill her in on the details as she got them.
"Let's go."
The three of them met up with Santana, Brittany, Mercedes, Tina, and Quinn at the bowling alley. It wasn't a group people would expect, but that was the beauty of glee. For a while, they just played on the lanes having fun and competing against each other to see who would pay for dinner. Everyone seemed to be enjoying themselves, and Rachel's façade held true. She wanted to have fun, but she was too self conscious. She kept waiting for someone to say something mean or ugly about her so she really couldn't have too much fun. The odd thing was that it never came. They really just ignored her; except Santana who kept giving her looks all night and Brittany who really never ignored anyone. She was just Brittany.
Eventually, they all took a break from their games and settled down for some pizza. The sight of food made Rachel's stomach turn. And it wasn't just the idea that she'd have to eat or the idea that she'd most likely throw it up after. It just was. For a while, she just stared at the food before her, about to just go use her normal tricks. But before she could do any of that, a pain in her side made her cringe. It felt terrible. She felt terrible, and she needed to get out of there. So as not to alert the others, she sneakily crept out of the front door and over to the side of the building while clutching at her stomach.
On and off, she had been feeling wrong for over a week, but it wasn't the usual off. There was some lightheadedness and vertigo like she normally experienced during her rituals, but it was different; it was exponentially worse. She hadn't had the strength to eat, let alone barf it up. There was some cutting, but nothing that would do such damage that she'd find herself in the position she currently did. But there she was, hunched over in pain and begging for god to help her. What the hell was happening to her?
Slight groans escaped her lips and she was happy that she was alone in the parking lot instead of inside with everyone else. She could barely walk. She definitely couldn't talk without jumbling it. And she could hardly form a coherent thought. That was how she missed the person walking up to her. She missed the hand on her shoulder. She missed the person holding her hair back as she vomited the nothing that was in her stomach onto the dark pavement before her.
"Rachel, are you alright?" She couldn't answer. "Rachel, talk to me. Are you ok?" Even in her distorted state, she could hear the concern in the girl's voice. She didn't care who it was or how terrible she sounded, she needed help.
"It hurts. It hurts…" And that was all she could say to explain it. "Please… Make it stop." And she didn't know if she was talking about the pain in her body, the pain in her mind, or everything combined.
"What is it? What hurts?"
"Everything hurts… Please help."
"Wait here and don't move." She said hurriedly. "I'm going to get someone t help."
"No…"
"No?"
"No, you… you help." It wasn't who she'd normally go to for help, but she needed her then. There was no one else and nowhere to go. She just needed her, no matter what their differences.
I just wanted to say I'm sorry for the delay and thank those that were patient and those who didn't send me messages to hurry the f*** up. That's not exactly something I respond well to. But my grandmother passed recently, and while we weren't close, her death brought up a lot of unresolved issues within my family that I had to deal with. So thanks for your patience and understanding.
This chapter gave me trouble because I couldn't decide which of my ideas to use. So I went with this one; a new one that will bring about what I want faster. Hope it was worth the wait.
I apologize for any grammar and spelling errors. I hope you enjoyed this chapter. Until next time…
I want to say that I'm so grateful for all of the wonderful comments. Thank you to everyone who reviewed, favorited, and/or added this to their alerts. Don't be afraid to tell me what you think or if there's anything you'd like to see happen.