Again, thank you to everyone who is reading this story – especially to those of you who have reviewed – your feedback means a lot. This chapter contains spoilers for the 100th episode (5.07) and may not make much sense to you if you've not seen it (and if you haven't you really should because it's amazing). This chapter is slightly longer and a bit of a turning point - I hope you enjoy!

Conquering Nightmares

Chapter 3

He is confused, being plagued by some sort of alternate reality of his life and can't figure out how to stop it. And he wants to stop it because the alternate reality doesn't seem like somewhere he wants to stay.

His life is amazing – he is a Navy SEAL, a member of an elite special operations force who travels the globe in an effort to keep the world safe. His brothers in arms are family to him because he has little real family. His mother is dead but his father is alive; thanks to his new friend, HPD detective Danny Williams.

Victor Hesse, a terrorist whom Steve has been tracking for five years and who was indirectly responsible for the death of Steve's closest friend, Freddie Hart, has been halted before he could cause further damage by killing Steve's father as well. Working in tandem with Detective Williams he was also able to locate and take down a man named Wo Fat who had a grudge against Steve's family, the reasons for which the SEAL would likely never understand. It doesn't matter though, because the man is dead and can't hurt him or anyone he loves ever again.

He has a relationship he hopes will someday develop into more and Catherine, the object of his affection, is safely stationed on an aircraft carrier somewhere in the world and will answer the phone when he calls, excited to hear from him. And he tries to call as often as their crazy schedules allow, though it is never quite enough. But he is happy - his life is good and he wants to get back to it.

But there are flashes he sees of an alternate life, where he has put aside his Navy uniform and donned the hat of head of Five-0, an elite task force who does important work for the state of Hawaii. Where he has assembled an amazing team of friends and coworkers, his 'ohana, whom he loves like his family because they are his family.

In the alternate life, though, his father is dead and his mother really isn't. Multiple people he trusted have betrayed him, he has been taken and tortured more than once and he consistently finds more questions than answers.

And his relationship with Catherine finally developed into more than he could ever have hoped for, but she is in Afghanistan and he probably couldn't reach her if he tried.

So when he wakes in a hospital bed after being kidnapped, tortured and drugged by Wo Fat, the harshness of his true reality is like a slap to the face and leaves him wishing for the alternative. And, after all – who could blame him?

It had been eight months since Steve returned from Afghanistan alone. It seemed to Danny that his partner had finally been getting used to his girlfriend's absence, though he suspected the man still wished every day that she would just come home.

But when Steve descended into an emotional tailspin after the encounter with Wo Fat it was his father who he asked for each time he awakened, feverish and confused. All Danny could do was remind him, each and every time, that his father had died four years before and try to comfort his friend as he experienced the loss over and over again.

The drugs eventually wore off and it seemed Steve was finally and permanently back in the proper reality. When that happened, though, once he was completely free of the hallucinogens, Danny could see him retreat into himself – into the place where he shut his emotions safely away – and the blonde wished harder than ever that Catherine were there to help Steve share the burden.

Danny thought it odd that his friend hadn't asked after Catherine but reassured him anyway that he had tried to reach her a few times but had been forced to leave messages - he assumed her sat phone was off to conserve battery life. Steve had just sighed and told Danny he was tired and didn't want to talk, so they let the matter drop.

Danny had left four short messages, didn't know how much he could say because, as Steve had reminded him on more than one prior occasion, it was an unsecured line. But the blonde hadn't heard back from Catherine, didn't know if she was aware of what was happening on Oahu but found that his partner seemed to become agitated whenever he brought it up so he stopped wondering aloud. But, that didn't mean he stopped wondering.

Catherine sighed and powered up her satellite phone. She knew if had probably been a bad idea to power it down for a week, but the only person she typically communicated with was Steve, and she'd needed a break from speaking with him for a bit. She noticed the message icon and assumed maybe Steve had called, wanting to visit an emotionally draining conversation they'd had 7 days prior. Briefly toying with the idea of putting off listening to the message for a few more days she checked the call log. There were four missed calls, all from Danny's number.

She hadn't spoken to Danny since just after Steve had been rescued from the Taliban eight months before and knew he wouldn't be calling now unless he had a damn good reason. With her heart in her throat she accessed the voicemail.

'Catherine – hey it's Danny. Will you give me a call, please? Something happened to Steve and I think he'd want you to know. It's… well, I don't know how much I can say so please just call as soon as you can, alright?'

'Catherine, Danny again. Steve's in rough shape and I think he could really use you here right now. Any chance you can suspend your search for the kid and hop a plane back to Hawaii like, yesterday? Give me a call.'

'Catherine. I hope you're getting these messages because I think you need to know what's going on. It was Wo Fat, Catherine, you can imagine the rest. They say Steve is going to be fine, although they're keeping him here at Tripler for a while. It's been tough – we could really use you here. Please, please call me back.'

'Catherine, I'm starting to get worried about you now, too. If I have to tell Steve something happened to you… It'll uh – I think it might literally kill him. He's barely hanging on and he doesn't need any more shit on his plate right now. So I hope to God you're all right. Call. Me. Back… Please.'

With shaking fingers she dialed the phone.

Danny's phone rang in the early morning hours in Hawaii a week after Steve's kidnapping. Danny was at his partner's house because, despite the man's objections, he had decided to sleep on his best friend's couch once the SEAL had been released from the hospital the previous afternoon. He wasn't sure what to expect when he answered the call with a sleepy greeting.

"Hello?"

"Danny? It's Catherine."

Danny was immediately awake. "Catherine. Jeez, where have you been? I've been trying to reach you for a week. Not really the best time to be ignoring your phone."

"I know. I'm sorry. My phone was… off. How is Steve? Your messages, you sounded… worried." She paused; bit her lower lip. Her voice was quiet when she spoke again, hesitant. "Is he okay? Danny, tell me he's okay."

"Physically, yes. He's actually sleeping upstairs right now."

"Good. Good." She paused for a beat and released the breath she wasn't aware she had been holding. "What the hell happened? You said it was Wo Fat?"

"He was… It was bad. The bastard had Steve for a day before we could get to him but in the end the crazy idiot saved himself. He killed Wo Fat before we got there – put a bullet right between the eyes. The bastard's finally gone, Cath. He can never hurt Steve again."

Catherine expelled a shaky sigh but didn't speak.

"Catherine, did you hear me? Wo Fat is dead. Gone. Steve killed him."

"Yeah, I did. I'm just…" Catherine was silent for a moment but Danny could hear her breathing. Long, somewhat irregular breaths, like she was trying to keep her composure. When she finally spoke it was with a tremble in her voice, "But he's okay. You said he's home now?"

"Yeah. He was at Tripler for a few days but they released him yesterday and I brought him home. Do you want me to wake him? I'm sure he'd like to speak to you."

Catherine answered quickly, "No! No, don't… don't wake him." Silence stretched between them again for a few moments. "Danny, does Steve know you've been calling? Did he ask you to?"

Danny noticed that Catherine sounded hesitant, unsure, worried. "Yes, I told him. No, he didn't ask me to call you but I thought he would want you to know, and frankly I was hoping you'd hop a plane outta there and get your ass home to help me with him. He was pretty out of it for a while there but the docs said he's on the mend and there's no reason not to be home. Plus, you know Steve. He uh, he couldn't get out of there fast enough." Danny sighed, remembering his frustration at some of his partner's antics the last twenty-four hours he'd spent 'tied to a bed'.

Catherine heard the resentment in Danny's tone and the unspoken accusation, even though he was trying his best to hide it. She needed to take a deep breath to calm herself before she spoke again. "I'm sorry, Danny. I'm sorry you had to deal with that."

"You don't need to be sorry, there's nothing to be sorry for! Nobody knew this was going to happen! We couldn't have anticipated this. He was out for a drive in the Marquis and taken from the middle of the damn street! We didn't even figure out he was missing for hours and then it took us hours to find him – Adam finally got us a location but we still didn't get there in time." Danny shook his head, even though he knew Catherine couldn't see him. When he spoke again Catherine could almost hear the pride in his voice. "SuperSEAL saved himself. All that was left for us was clean up." Danny was quiet for a moment and Catherine was just about to speak when he continued. "He had been drugged, Cath. He was confused. When we found him… he thought his father was still alive." Danny had sat up and rotated so his feet were on the floor. He dropped his forehead into his hand before he spoke again. "I had to tell him… I uh, I had to remind my best friend that his father was dead." He looked over toward the stairs and didn't see Steve, but still felt like he needed more privacy for this conversation. "Hang on, I'm going to go outside."

Catherine couldn't respond because she was covering the mouthpiece of the phone as she cried but Danny didn't notice. He turned off the house alarm and went out the back to sit in one of the chairs down by the water.

"Catherine? Are you still there?"

Catherine composed herself quickly before answering. "Yeah, Danny. I'm here. Of course I'm here." There was again a slight tremble in her voice when she continued. "He was driving the Marquis? Alone?" Catherine didn't like where she was going with this but she had to ask, "When was he taken?"

Danny couldn't figure out why that mattered and the frustration was evident in his voice. "It was Tuesday, why?"

He heard her sharp intake of breath and realized how upset Catherine was even though, like her boyfriend, she'd always been able to do a pretty good job of covering it up. Now it was Danny's turn to breathe deeply. He wasn't trying to upset her and he wasn't sure how much more he should tell her; whether she needed to hear the details or not, but he knew he'd want to know if he were the person who couldn't be at a loved one's side when they needed him.

"Catherine," Danny paused, trying to decide what he wanted to say. "You don't need to… It doesn't matter now. He's over the worst of it and we took care of him. Chin, Kono, Lou and I – we took care of him and got him through and he's going to be fine."

When Catherine spoke again it was with a renewed determination, almost like she'd made up her mind about something. "You said it was bad, Danny. Tell me, I need to know."

Danny made a quick decision to gloss over some of his partner's injuries; she didn't need to hear all the gory details. "Yeah, no broken bones – he had some cuts and bruises, a bullet grazed his forehead but that just needed gluing. He mostly slept for a full day after we got him out. They think part of that was the exhaustion and part of it was the drugs in his system. They couldn't give him anything for the pain until the crap that bastard dosed him with had time to clear out, so it was good that he got some rest."

"What about the drugs, Danny? You said he was confused. What did they give him?"

"Hallucinogens. Something to disorient him and get him talking." Danny sighed heavily. "He wouldn't tell me everything so you'll have to ask him if you want to know more."

"I will." Catherine chose her next words carefully. She knew how close Danny and Steve were, but she also knew that there were probably things Steve would choose never to share with his partner. "Danny, how's he doing? I mean… has he been sleeping?"

Danny sighed. "You mean has he been having nightmares?"

Danny's response was all she needed to confirm her suspicion. "Danny, you need to get him to talk to you-"

"No, Catherine. You need to be here. He'll talk to you. Stop hunting for that damn kid and come home." Danny was stressed, and too tired to mince words. "We needed you here a week ago. He needed you here a week ago."

"Danny, give me the phone."

The blonde detective jumped when his partner spoke from right next to him. He saw the flash of emotion on Steve's face and recognized it as a little bit of anger and… something else. He realized he may have been a bit harsh with Catherine and would probably need to apologize to her when she finally got her butt back to the island.

Wordlessly Danny handed the phone to his partner. Steve took it, turned and walked back toward the house leaving his best friend standing by the water and watching his retreating form.

Steve waited until he was back in the house before he spoke, "Catherine?"

Despite the seriousness of the situation, Catherine couldn't help the small smile that spread across her face and could almost feel some of the tension ebbing from her body just from hearing Steve's voice over the line. She tried to keep the situation light. "Hey sailor. I hear you're a little worse for the wear."

Steve swallowed around the lump that was forming in his throat. "Yeah, I've been having kind of a shitty week."

Those words stung Catherine and she closed her eyes in an effort to keep her emotions under control. After taking a few deep breaths she was ready to ask a question she already knew the answer to. "Steve, you didn't tell Danny, did you?"

Steve expelled a frustrated breath and sat down heavily on the ottoman by his leather chair. "No, I didn't tell him. It's none of his business and I didn't… I didn't really want to talk about it."

When Catherine spoke again her words were a jumble of thoughts, not completely formed sentences. "Steve. When you… When you were taken… Danny said you were alone in the Marquis… Was it because of me? Am I the reason…?" Her words trailed off because it was too difficult to voice the thought.

Steve closed his eyes and held the phone away from his ear for a moment as he took a few more deep breaths to steady himself. "Yes. And no, Cath. I was out driving because I needed to think and wanted to be alone." He opened his eyes again before continuing, his voice confident, reassuring. "But it's not your fault. They wanted me and they would have gotten me. If not then, some other time."

"I'm sorry, Steve. I'm so sorry."

"Why? Because I was kidnapped and tortured by Wo Fat? Or because you broke my heart by deciding to make a life for yourself in Afghanistan?" Steve barely disguised the bitterness in his voice, not caring to really even try, and Catherine supposed she deserved it.

She knew she could not deny him even a little bit of his anger and disappointment. Even though she had never wanted to hurt him she knew without a doubt how very much she had. But she still cared; she always would. "Steve," she said, her voice soft, pleading, "How are you really? Are you having nightmares again?"

His tone was harsh when he snapped, "Again? I haven't stopped having them since you decided not to come home."

"Well, you're not the only one," she replied sharply, then inhaled deeply, working to hold back the tears that had suddenly sprung to her eyes. "I'm sorry, Steve. I… I just wanted to be sure you're okay."

He deflated at her words; he hadn't wanted to make her cry. It was too much work to be upset with her and he was too tired and too sore. His standard answer of 'I'm fine' was on his lips, but he held it back. He could hear her concern for him in her voice, but there was something else, and it made him want to be honest. "I've been better," he admitted.

He realized he wanted, needed to unload some of the burden he was carrying and she was more than willing to take it, even now, after the conversation they'd had a week ago. "Cath… He drugged me. Wo Fat drugged me. Reality - it… changed. The mission I was on when my father… I was back there again, I was on the phone with Victor Hesse, but instead of the gunshot I heard Danny come on the line. HPD got there in time and my dad was alive."

Catherine could hear the emotion he was holding in and her heart broke a little for him but all she could do from thousands of miles away was to utter. "Oh, Steve."

He chuckled wryly, remembering. "I uh, I came to Hawaii to interrogate Hesse after HPD arrested him. I saw my Dad. Hugged him, had a beer with him – he was alive, Catherine, and so happy to see me. And Danny – he was here but different from when we first met. He was happy. He and Rachel were still married and he loved Hawaii – he wore the shirts, embraced the island culture. He was with HPD and so was Chin. He had never lost his badge and he was a Captain in the department – my dad called him the next Chief of Police. Kono had never blown out her knee; she was still a world-champion surfer and never became a cop. But everyone was happy in their lives." Steve was quiet for a moment before he said, "I remember a lot of it, but some of it is a bit hazy now."

Catherine spoke, "I can't imagine going through that, having to find out all over again about your dad. I'm sorry you had to experience that and I wish I could have been there for you – to help you get through it. I wish I could be with you now."

Catherine was trying unsuccessfully to keep her voice steady, and Steve could tell she was fighting tears. He was, too, if he was being honest. It was all just too much. The assault on his mind, his body, his heart was too much all at once and he felt the walls he had erected starting to crumble. He had never been able to resist letting her in, and this time was no exception.

"Cath, I miss you more than you could possibly know and want you to come home." His voice was soft, loving. He closed his eyes to try and summon the strength to say what he needed her to know. "But not if you don't plan to stay." He was working hard now to try to get a grip on the feelings that were coursing through him and finally starting to have some success.

Catherine was still fighting her emotions, though, and wiped first one eye then the other. She was touched by his honesty and openness. "Steve, I don't know what to do." She closed her eyes for a moment, to try and center herself. "You know I still lo-", Catherine stopped suddenly, took a breath, reconsidered her choice of word, "Care. Steve, I still care about you and I will never stop. You know that, right? And I miss you, too. I want to be there for you, to support you. Danny said-"

"I heard what Danny said," he interrupted her, "He's… he worries. I'm fine, just a little sore." The change in Steve's tone was so dramatic, so sudden that Catherine could visualize the barriers around his heart slamming back into place. "He's welcome to go home anytime he likes."

"Steve." She admonished his tone.

"Sorry." He mumbled. He was frustrated by his ping-ponging emotions but had a made a decision about his future with Catherine and was trying to stick by it.

The morning after Catherine had told him she wasn't coming home and she didn't think it was fair for him to wait for her he had taken that ill-fated drive in the Marquis. He had started building a resolve that morning and had reinforced it later, after the incident with Wo Fat and once the drugs had cleared his system and reality slammed into him again like a freight train. It was then, when Danny told him he had left messages for Catherine and Steve realized he would be having a conversation with her sooner rather than later he realized he had a decision to make.

During many days of doing nothing but recuperating in a hospital bed when he'd had time to think, roll things over and over in his head, he had come to a conclusion. He still loved Catherine and knew he always would. He was willing to wait for her, and didn't want to move on, but he couldn't reconcile the person who had left him behind with the woman he had loved for close to ten years. She had loved him too, through thick and thin when their relationship consisted mostly of calls and emails, seeing each other in person a few times a year. They had waited for each other then, stayed true to each other even when their feelings had not been quite so strong and it would have been easy for them to find other people and move on.

There had been one bump in the road part way in when he had behaved foolishly, when he had been stupid, scared of what they had and thought he was doing the right thing. She had moved on, as he had encouraged, and started dating another, which hurt Steve more than he could have ever anticipated, but he stayed away because anything else wouldn't have been fair to her. And then they found each other again, after she had ended her new relationship because she had realized she could substitute no other man for Steve McGarrett and didn't want to try. So they resumed their long distance courtship and never looked back. She had been there for him and he had relied on her despite the miles between them, and she had never let him down.

And then all of a sudden his world had turned upside down, losing Freddie and his dad within days of each other, transferring to the reserves and starting a new life on Oahu had sent him into a tailspin of sorts, but as always she had been there to listen as he worked through what had happened. She had supported from afar as he had worked to build a different sort of life with a home and new family. He was finally putting down roots and eventually she joined him on Oahu permanently and those roots, like their love, became stronger, sturdier, deeper.

But at some point something had changed. He thought it had happened some time during their last year together on Oahu but couldn't be sure of exactly what had happened, or when. All he knew was it started to seem instead of running toward him Catherine was leaving him behind.

He had thought about how he had done the same to her once before, when he felt like he could never give her what he thought she wanted or deserved. He had eventually come to realize that he was what she wanted – just the way he was. So, he had decided to give her everything he was capable of and it seemed to have been enough. They were both active duty career Navy then and excelled at it. Each knew the life and understood that they couldn't always know when they would see each other so they just made the most of whatever interactions they did have.

Eventually, as time passed those Navy lives had morphed into something else. He led the way by making the decision to transfer to the reserves and never expected nor asked for her to follow him. He had been overjoyed when a couple years later she was stationed at Pearl and, a year after that, eventually made the choice to leave active duty. They would finally have stability, a permanency that had eluded them their entire relationship. He looked forward to being able to wake up each morning knowing she was in the same geographical location and not having a little voice remind him that she could be transferred to another posting or deployed again at any time without warning. He had grown to hate that voice a little more each day, week, month that passed as Catherine became more ingrained in his day-to-day life. Underneath the surface, where his life was a mess of long-woven conspiracies and unanswered questions he was happy, more content than he could ever remember being since his mother had not-really-died and his father had sent him away to keep him safe. He had finally had a life he'd wanted but never thought possible.

But what if the life they had been sharing wasn't what she had wanted?

The thought struck him like lightning strikes a tree. It hit him either very late one night or very early one morning when he still in the hospital recovering, still on a mild painkiller which left his mind impossibly relaxed and his body on the verge of sleep.

After that realization he had spent the remainder of a mostly sleepless night trying to answer the question he had asked himself, thinking back over what had happened the last five years. He had neither consulted nor included her in his decision to leave the Navy, to settle in Hawaii. He had assumed she would be happy for him, for them, because at least one of them always knew where they would be. He had known she loved the islands, had spent time there when the Enterprise was at Pearl, and assumed she would want to live there. His team had taken an instant liking to her, and she to them (once he had finally stopped hogging her all to himself and introduced them). Over time she had become more to each of them than just their teammates' girlfriend – she was enfolded into their 'ohana as well.

His home. His team. His life. In leaving the Navy she had made a decision that forever altered her life so she could better be part of his. And what had he done? Although he'd let her get closer, he'd still kept her at a distance. She stayed at his place most of the time, and he couldn't imagine not having her there, but he had never officially asked her to move in, to give up her place. He had never seriously considered marriage, believed she didn't want that, not really. He had never even expressed his love for her, until maybe it was already too late. What had he been afraid of?

He knew the answer. People like Edward Cobb, Wo Fat - dangerous men who would have no qualms about using the woman he loved to get to him; El Condor, who had actually done it. Steve still wasn't sure how they had gotten out of that situation largely unscathed and it still unnerved him how close he had come to losing her forever. He had needed to protect her because he couldn't bear the thought of losing her. And by protecting her he had helped drive her away. In recent years he had finally come to understand why his father had sent him and his sister away, how John McGarrett's need to protect the children he loved was strong enough to forever sacrifice his relationship with them. Steve remembered telling Danny something once, early on in their partnership at a time when he thought Hiro Noshimuri was the worst of his troubles. He had pointed out to Danny at the time that he was not like his father because he didn't have a wife and children to protect.

At that time his relationship with Catherine had not been public knowledge and she had been safely ensconced on an aircraft carrier somewhere in the Persian Gulf. But over the years that had changed, thanks to the press and his high-profile job.

It seemed so clear to him now what he hadn't seen then. He had thought by not making it official, not bestowing upon her the title of 'wife', she would be safer. But just by loving her he had unintentionally painted a target on her back anyway, just like John McGarrett's investigation had done for his children.

But Steve couldn't, wasn't willing to do what his father had done, drop the investigation, stop asking questions. And Catherine wasn't a child. She was a grown woman who was more than capable of taking care of her self.

Except sometimes that wasn't enough. Steve had always know that, but it was driven home for him when she was kidnapped and held by El Condor, and again months later when she was shot the night Billy Harrington died. And she, like him, was too strong, too stubborn to let it keep her down so she eventually got back on the horse and kept right on going with her life. She didn't want to be protected, hidden away and be kept safe.

Looking back on it now it occurred to him that he had subconsciously increased the emotional space between them after that, had closed himself down a bit. He had experienced a little taste of what it might be like to lose her to violence and it had affected him deeply.

What an idiot he had been. He realized now that titles didn't matter. He would be as devastated as any husband if something were to happen to her. He was no stranger to loss, having experienced it so much in his life, but facing the loss of the woman he loved, that he had finally and wholly given his heart to seemed impossible.

When he had brought her in to the fold of Five-0 he felt better knowing she again had a team he trusted to watch her back. He had enjoyed seeing her all day, every day but even though they never struggled with it, he had discovered there were some burdens that came with a superior/subordinate relationship at work and a personal partnership at home. At some point had she stopped spending the night as often, instead choosing to go back to her place. And he had not encouraged her to stay, or made the effort to join her at her house. He wasn't even sure that he behaved any differently but she must have sensed… something.

But they had been good – they settled in to a rhythm and were happy. Then the fact that life is short and unpredictable had slapped Steve again in the face when he and Danny were trapped in a collapsed building. From the moment after the explosion when he regained consciousness and discovered the reality of their situation he had needed to steel himself to the possibility that he would not make it out, or that he would survive only to find out that Catherine was also trapped, or already dead.

Whether it was luck or the grace of some higher power that had kept Catherine out from under the rubble Steve didn't know and didn't care, but he had escaped and had been once again reunited with his beautiful lieutenant. In those first moments he had been so thankful to have her in his arms again and felt such an outpouring of love and gratitude for the woman he had held so tightly.

But that euphoria had been short-lived when he learned less than an hour later the bomb that brought down the building had been orchestrated by a man from his mother's past who was just trying to stop Steve asking questions he didn't think should be answered.

And then Steve had felt like he'd been slapped again, even harder, because an innocent man had died and his partner, his teammates, Catherine, had all once again been endangered because of the truths he sought. He had pursued and neutralized the immediate threat, Edward Cobb, but after that incident his guard was back up and his determination to keep Catherine safe by keeping her at a distance renewed.

The cold, hard truth was instead of bringing her in closer, making the most of the time they had together he had subtly been pushing her away. And she had decided to go. And maybe she had never truly been content with their new, stable life in paradise.

After several more hours of lying quietly in his hospital bed and searching his soul Steve made a decision - he could not ask Catherine to come back. He couldn't ask her to return to Hawaii because she probably would (he hoped). And if she came back now, for him and because of what he'd been through at the hands of Wo Fat, it would probably be temporary. She would likely leave again and he couldn't bear that.

He had experienced a taste of a stable relationship with her and he didn't want to go back. He had been willing to wait for her to complete her mission to find Najib, because it was something honorable that she needed to do and he could relate to that. He had assumed, at the beginning, that she had every intention of coming home at the end. But something had obviously changed.

He thought back to the conversation they'd had when she told him she'd found Najib but wasn't coming home – recalled how she sounded confident, her voice steady. But he also recalled an undercurrent of something and he had hoped it meant her decision to stay in Afghanistan was hurting her. Not because he wanted that for her, he had always been willing to take the burden of pain if it meant sparing her. It was because if being apart from him caused an ache in her heart it meant she still cared, still loved him. And he knew if she had made a choice to stay thousands of miles away she must have found something there that he couldn't offer her.

So he came to a decision just as the breakfast trays were arriving early in the morning at Tripler that if she ever came back (and God, he wanted her to) it would have to be her choice, and because she wanted to share a life with him in Hawaii.

And he had realized part of him desperately wanted to speak with her, to unburden some of his emotional baggage and welcome the comfort only she could offer. But another part of him had been dreading the phone call and hoping, when the call came, he would have the strength to maintain his resolve.

And now, as he sat in his Living Room, with Danny's phone to his ear it occurred to him that he had had good reason to be dreading this very phone call. It was even more difficult than he had anticipated and he was starting to crack. He was so tired, his body was still sore in places and he missed her, the woman he loved, so much and it would be so easy to just tell her to come home.

He pulled the phone away from his ear for just a moment, hoping she wouldn't hear the deep breath he had to take to steel himself for what he knew he needed to say. He rubbed his hand down his face and opened his eyes to look at his feet before continuing, "Catherine. I love you. But I couldn't handle it if you left me again. Please… just don't… don't come home unless you're sure you want to stay. I know you told me not to wait for you and I understand why. But I'm willing to keep waiting, as long as someday you'll be coming home for good."

Steve looked up at that moment and saw his partner standing just inside the back door, listening. He frowned, wondering how much the blonde detective had heard, but then realized he was too tired to care. It was all out there, anyway, so he inhaled and exhaled once before continuing, "This… what happened with Wo Fat doesn't change anything. If you don't want to make your life here with me than just stay there. Will you do that? For me?"

Steve almost forgot to breathe while he waited for her answer and felt relief rushing through him when it came.

"I need some time."

"Of course."

"I'm glad you're okay," she said, "And I hope you're telling me the truth about that."

Steve nodded, even though she couldn't see him. "I am."

"Will you do something for me?"

"What?"

"Let you friends be there for you. Especially Danny."

"I'll try."

"Okay."

Silence stretched between them, across the long distance that separated them physically and emotionally. Steve was painfully aware that he still had an audience and looked up at his partner standing in the doorway. "Cath, I uh - I gotta go."

"Okay." She sighed. "Hey Steve?"

"Yeah?"

"I still love you, too. Remember that."

"I will. Aloha."

"Aloha."

And with that Steve disconnected the call and tossed his partner's phone on the side table. He looked up at Danny expectedly. When the blonde didn't say anything Steve raised an eyebrow. "What?"

"Do I get my phone back?"

Steve snorted, dropped his head and slowly shook it like he couldn't believe what he was hearing.

"Yeah, man." He rose and picked up the phone, walking toward his partner with his arm extended. "Here."

"Thanks." Danny took the phone and, realizing he didn't have a pocket to slide it in to, gestured toward the Living Room, "You want we should go sit?"

"Yeah."

Steve turned and led the way back to the Living Room where he settled in the recliner while Danny took a seat on the sofa and pulled the blanket he'd been sleeping under across his lap. A somewhat awkward silence reigned for a moment before Danny spoke again.

"So, Catherine. She's uh, she's not coming home?"

"Come on Danny. I know you overheard our conversation."

"Fair enough." Danny nodded once. "When did this happen? And were you ever gonna tell me?"

"Last week Monday, and I hadn't decided yet." Steve leaned his head back and closed his eyes. "Probably. Eventually."

"Shit, man. That sucks."

Steve scrubbed both hands over his face. "Yeah," he mumbled.

Danny leaned over, so he could better see Steve sitting in the chair. "Steve?" He waited for his partner to sit forward and look over at him. "I'm sorry, babe."

Steve met his friend's gaze and sighed. "I know, Danny. Thanks." He looked at his partner for a few moments longer before leaning back again and looking toward the back yard.

Danny was having a hard time reading his partner and found he wasn't sure what he could do for the man right now. He knew he would have to tread carefully because he was angry with his friend's girlfriend but figured Steve didn't need or want to know about that. He decided to let the other man take the lead and asked, "Do you want to talk about it?"

Steve sighed and it was obvious he was exhausted. His voice was quiet when he spoke. "What's there to say? She found Najib, and he's fine. She brought him home and decided she wanted to stay in the village, help them, teach the kids some school. She doesn't think it's fair for me to wait for her and she told me so. That's it."

"That's… that's it?" Danny was up and starting to talk with his hands now while increasing in volume. "You've had a relationship with this woman for how many years, you went with her to Afghanistan where she got you tortured and almost killed by the fricking Taliban, then she-"

Steve stood suddenly. "Danny!" The SEAL's tone left no room for interpretation and his eyes were flashing as he glared at his partner. "That's enough."

Danny faced his friend and reached out to put a hand on his shoulder. "I'm sorry, man. I am. That was uncalled for."

Steve nodded and sat again, heavily, on the chair.

Danny also sat, on the arm of the sofa so he was facing Steve. "So, you told her not to come back now?" Steve nodded. "Is that what you really want?"

Steve hunched over, resting his elbows on his legs before he answered his friend's question. "I want her to have never left. I want her to want to be here with me. But I don't want her to come back and then leave again."

"I thought you guys were good. You seemed happy."

Steve somehow seemed to deflate even further right before his friend's eyes and his voice was deep and rough when he spoke, "Yeah, I thought so, too."

And Danny realized, with a sinking feeling, that even though his partner was finally through with Wo Fat his nightmares were likely far from over.