Thank you again to everyone who has taken a couple minutes to leave a review, the feedback is very much appreciated. I was happy that many of you had positive comments about the last chapter. I was particularly proud of that one and happy you liked it, too. I'd like to extend special recognition to LuckyStarPham whose review prompted me to add a bit more to this chapter - I feel the story is better for it. I hope you enjoy!
Conquering Nightmares
Chapter 4
Two months had passed and Steve and Danny hadn't spoken of Catherine again in that time. Danny knew Steve didn't want to talk about it and he didn't want to risk their friendship over it. Besides, it wouldn't resolve much. He had seen changes in his friend, though, and wasn't sure whether they were a result of the situation with Catherine, or maybe the aftermath of what his partner been through at the hands of Wo Fat.
Someone who didn't know Steve as well as he did probably wouldn't notice. Danny guessed the man had probably shoved everything he'd gone through into a secure box somewhere in his mind in order to go on with his life. He kept up his routine, worked hard, exercised, spent time with his friends. On some level he somehow seemed more at peace and Danny wondered if that was due to Wo Fat's death and the resulting weight that must have been lifted. But he knew his friend was heartbroken by what he assumed was the end of his relationship with Catherine and he was a little bothered by how well the man seemed to be handling it. When Danny's marriage had ended he had been a mess, drowning his sorrows in a bottle every night and it was because of his brother Matty's support he made it through to the other side. But Steve didn't seem to need to lean on anyone – he was just… Steve. Danny supposed he shouldn't complain. An emotionally distraught Steve plus firearms probably wouldn't end well, after all – but it didn't stop him from being concerned about his best friend.
Steve told him how Ellie was trying to set him up with a friend of hers, how Ellie had said this friend was perfect for him and he had replied there was no such thing. Danny flinched at that, remembering how he had believed once upon a time that Steve and Catherine were perfect for each other and had told the man so. He supposed Steve was probably remembering, too. He knew his partner wasn't ready to move on with someone else. Knew the impression Catherine had made on Steve's life and the hole she'd left behind still hurt and he either wasn't ready to risk that again or wasn't ready to let the relationship go completely.
Steve never said they had broken up, he had just told Danny that she wasn't coming home and had told him not to wait for her, which Danny assumed meant she didn't intend on coming back any time soon, if ever. He wasn't sure what happened, how the relationship between the SEAL and his Ramboette had gone sideways, but it wasn't his business and he hadn't asked. So, life went on and he continued keeping an eye on his partner, although after they got through the Wo Fat thing in one piece he figured the rest would be child's play.
Still, he continued to make the effort – inviting his friend over to watch a game, to join him at a restaurant for dinner or offering to hang out at Steve's and have a beer. Although the SEAL never acknowledged it Danny felt they had made an unspoken agreement - Steve agreed to one of his invites a few times a week and Danny let him politely decline on other days and tried not to worry too much about his partner spending so much time alone.
It was one of the nights Steve had begged off Danny's invite to Side Street that Five-0's leader sat in his darkened living room, nursing a Longboard beer. His shoulder was aching, as it sometimes did in certain weather situations or after a particularly hard take down, and he hoped the alcohol would provide a little pain relief and help him relax. He needed to keep a clear head though because earlier in the day Kono had given him something to think about.
They were alone in the bullpen standing at the smart table while she brought him up to speed on what she'd discovered about their most recent victim's relationship to one of the current suspects. Steve complimented her excellent work and asked her to follow up with the victim's former employer before turning to head into his office.
"Hey, Boss?" she asked.
He turned back to face her. "Yeah?"
"Have you heard from Catherine lately?"
Steve seemed a bit uncomfortable before he answered. "Uh… yeah."
She waved her hand in a 'more information please' manner. "And," she said, drawing out the word, "How's she doing? Any leads on the kid?"
Steve was quiet for a moment before he scrubbed both hands over his face. "She's okay. She, uh… she actually found Najib and got him home safe."
"All right!" Kono exclaimed, "So when's she coming home?"
Steve sighed. "She's uh… she's not coming home," he said, then added as an afterthought, "Yet."
Kono's surprise registered on her face. "What! Why?"
"She's doing some teaching at the little school, trying to help the kids," he said, his voice resigned. He intentionally left out the part where she told him not to wait for her. Verbalizing it somehow made it seem more real.
"Did she tell you how long she's planning to stay?"
Steve shook his head and replied, "Not too long, I hope."
"Me, too." She sighed. "I know you miss her. I miss her, too."
Steve nodded in reply, then flashed her a quick, grateful smile. "We uh, we good?"
She returned his smile and nodded. Just as he was turning back toward his office she stopped him again. "Hey Steve?" she said softly, "Adam ran away from me once. I don't like to imagine where we'd be now if I hadn't found him and brought him home."
He considered her words for a moment before nodding his head and proceeding to his office.
Sitting now in his house Steve reran his conversation with Kono over and over, like instant replay in his head. 'Adam ran away… found him and brought him home'. He laid his head back against the chair and closed his eyes. He had heard his younger teammate's words and understood her point. But Catherine hadn't run away from him – he had left her behind. But were the two mutually exclusive?
Suddenly, he opened his eyes and leaned forward, his elbows on his knees. Kono had fought for Adam. She had refused to give up. And what had he done for Catherine?
Suddenly, Steve couldn't sit still. He stood and started pacing, one thought running through his head; that he hadn't fought for Catherine. He stopped walking and scrubbed both hands over his face. What if she was running away? What was he going to do about it?
Catherine skimmed her hand over the top of the tall grasses in the field across which she walked on the way to the village. She sighed, lost in her thoughts. The evenings were always the toughest, when she was alone and didn't have the kids and their lessons to distract her from her musings. Her last conversation with Steve had given her so much to think about and now, two months later, she still didn't feel as though she knew what to do. She still wasn't comfortable with the idea of being responsible for the lives of others, especially Steve. And she didn't think he would be able to understand that, much less accept it. And if she ever returned to Hawaii he would probably expect her to return to Five-0. And why shouldn't she? It was an elite job that allowed her to continue serving her state and in extension, her country. She had been able to work with an amazing team who were also members of her 'ohana. And Steve. She got to work with Steve – every single day. For how long had the prospect of doing that very thing seemed like an impossible dream? Add to all that she was damn good at the job and it seemed like a perfect fit.
So why did she feel anxiety flood her at the very prospect?
Because Steve was a man on a mission. Always. He dove head first into the fray and counted on his backup to provide the needed support to ensure successful completion of an operation. And that's what Five-0 did; they were a well-oiled machine working in conjunction with HPD and SWAT when needed.
But she couldn't be his back up any more. Not the way he needed her to be.
Watching Steve being taken by the Taliban and knowing the fate that certainly awaited him had shaken her to her core - she had never been so terrified. She had always known he was in dangerous situations more often than she cared to think about during his time with the SEALs, it was the nature of the job, but she usually only heard about the missions gone wrong or the injuries once he had been debriefed or was speaking to her from the safety of a communications tent on a US military base.
But she had never been on the front lines with him while they were both in the Navy; that had been a new experience while they were in North Korea to retrieve Freddie Hart's body. And that mission had ultimately been successful – they had had each other's backs and some luck on their side and they got home safely with their previous cargo in tow.
So why had Afghanistan been different? She supposed it was because instead of facing the prospect of dying alongside Steve she had faced the prospect of living her life without Steve, of being responsible for his death. The fear would have crippled her if she'd let it, and she'd had to fight with everything she had - use every bit of her years of training and experience to keep it at bay so she could see the mission through to the end.
When had she become so weak? She had always been strong. She'd had to be because she knew early on that weak people don't graduate at the top of their class from the Naval Academy or pursue and excel at a career in the Navy. And to achieve those successes as a woman, no less; that didn't happen to people who couldn't hold their own.
But then she'd fallen truly and hopelessly in love with Steve McGarrett and gotten a taste of how their life together could be. She dared to imagine their future navigating life as partners - always having him to come home to, maybe someday being married and growing old with each other for company until the end. And she had been happy - honestly and truly happy.
But she hadn't stopped to consider the downside of being that content until the day a building collapsed on top of the man she loved. It was on that day that the reality of how life altering it would be to lose him slammed into her like a freight train.
But he had survived, and she knew she had been a big part of that – helping search and rescue locate and communicate with Steve and Danny, who had the unfortunately been trapped along with his partner.
She knew he had an excellent team backing him up and, once she joined Five-0, that she could be part of it. Steve was never reckless with his life or others – despite what Danny thought sometimes. He was one of the best of an already elite group of specially trained personnel and had seen and done things Danny would never experience. The bottom line was Steve McGarrett was a force to be reckoned with.
But, he wasn't invincible and she had almost lost him for good more than once during the course of their relationship. And she had learned to live with that because she trusted him and knew he would always do his best to come home to her. But when he almost didn't make it home from her personal mission to Afghanistan because he was protecting her and she failed to protect him… That had been too close and she hadn't known how to live with that.
But then, just a week after she'd decided he was better off without her she'd learned he'd been kidnapped by Wo Fat and she momentarily forgot all the reasons she had decided to stay away and was ready to get on a plane to be by his side if he asked her to. But he hadn't. He had asked her to stay away unless she was coming home for good.
Home.
Was Hawaii still her home? She wasn't sure – but she knew without a doubt that home would be wherever Steve was. The realization that once again he had been in a dire situation from which he might not have emerged alive made her regret the time she had chosen to spend away from him. She longed more than ever to be with him but didn't think it was fair to ask him to leave his home. She had been starting to wonder if there could be a way for her to return to Oahu - to her life with Steve, but she wasn't sure she could return to Five-0 and didn't think Steve would understand that. It all seemed improbable…
She was pulled from her musings as she came into sight of the village, stopped short, immediately dropped to a crouch and swore. She had been so wrapped up in her thoughts that she had failed to notice the small pickup truck that was parked on the main road leading into the village. Making the situation worse was one of two Taliban soldiers gesturing to his companion to follow as he jumped down from the bed of the truck and headed in her direction. But the proverbial nail in the coffin was she was in the middle of a field of tall grass with nowhere to go and no options. She had a brief moment to hope Steve wouldn't blame himself for her death before she returned her thoughts fully to the situation at hand and tried desperately to come up with a plan.
Steve had stopped shaving and now had about a week's worth of growth on his face. The only time Danny had seen his partner with this much facial hair was after he was falsely imprisoned for Governor Jameson's murder. His behavior had changed, too – he was more on edge, more aggressive. Danny had had enough of it one afternoon after the former SEAL had thrown himself in the line of fire and taken two shots to the vest and one to the arm. By the time Steve and Chin (because Danny knew someone had to make the Neanderthal go and he didn't think confronting Steve at the hospital would accomplish anything) returned from the ER, the Jersey transplant's simmer had reached a boiling point.
"What the hell's the matter with you!"
Steve and Chin were both visibly shocked by Danny's sudden and unexpected outburst and it was Steve who spoke first. "Danny, I'm fine. It's just a flesh wound – a couple stitches, that's all."
Danny deflated some at the sight of Chin slinking off to his office. Coward. "That's… that's good. But there's something else going on with you." He gestured vaguely towards his friend's face. "What's with the beard? Did you lose your razor or something? And the whole jumping in front of bullets, not waiting for backup - you trying to get yourself killed? Because I'd very much like to stay alive, if you don-"
"The bullets I jumped in front of were meant for you," his friend softly reminded him and Danny's entire head of steam dissipated.
"Yeah." Danny's shoulder's slumped. "I guess I owe you a thank you."
Steve shrugged in his self-depreciating way. "Not necessary. But you're welcome." Steve motioned toward his office. "So, we good?"
Danny nodded and Steve walked past him, headed toward his office, not realizing the blonde detective was following him until he turned to sit behind his desk.
"Jeez, Danny! What the hell?" he asked, frustrated.
"I thought we'd be more comfortable in here," Danny replied. At his partner's glare he continued. "You didn't answer my question."
Steve glared at the shorter man, but Danny didn't back down.
"Fine," Steve said, as he gestured to one of the chairs in front of his desk, "You want to sit for this or should we stand?"
"I'll take a seat, thank you Steven."
Steve couldn't help the ghost of a smile that crossed his face as he shook his head at his partner's antics. He perched on the corner of his desk facing Danny and made the universal gesture for 'get on with it'.
Danny's tone was caring, instead of accusatory. "What's going on with you?"
Steve sighed. "I'm fine Danny. Really. I just haven't been sleeping well, I guess."
"And the beard, what-"
The ringing of Steve's phone interrupted Danny's question. The SEAL glanced at it and immediately became agitated.
"Hold on. I need to take this," he said. When Danny didn't move Steve's agitation grew. "In private."
Danny huffed and rose from the chair. As Steve waited for his partner to leave he seemed to become more frustrated with each ring of the phone until he could hold out no longer and finally answered it asking, "Hello? Hello… Cath is that you?
Danny immediately stopped his exit and turned back toward his partner. The man had the phone at one ear and a hand at the other as if it was a bad connection and he couldn't hear the other party.
"Amir? What happened?" The tension in his partner's body was palpable. "I've been trying to reach her. Is she…" Steve's eyes closed and his shoulders sagged. "Yes... I will… Amir? Thank you."
He disconnected the call and immediately placed another one, no longer seeming to care that Danny was in the room.
"Joe. I need you to get me into Afghanistan… Not an issue… Alex Jones… ASAP… Okay, call me back." He disconnected the call, placed his phone back in his pocket and was suddenly all business. He moved around his desk to the cabinet where he kept a safe, entered the combination, opened it and pulled out a passport and some other papers. Only when he turned back to his desk did he notice his friend watching him, the man's face aghast.
Steve closed his eyes, took a deep breath and exhaled slowly and deliberately before he opened his eyes and met his partner's, waiting for the storm that was coming. Danny didn't disappoint him.
"You're going back to Afghanistan? Do you realize what a ridiculous idea that is? I mean we're talking stupid, idiotic, shockingly bad… What's to stop them from arresting you on the spot?"
"Danny, I have to. Catherine's in trouble."
Danny sighed. Of course she was. And of course Super SEAL would risk anything for the woman, even though she'd broken his heart. And there was nothing he could do or say to change his partner's mind. His hands were calmer when he spoke again. "What kind of trouble? How bad?"
"Honestly, Danny, I don't know." Steve rubbed both his hands down his face and then leaned on his desk on clenched fists. "There have been reports of increased Taliban activity in the region. I tried to get in touch, but I haven't been able to reach her – her phone's been off or something. That was Amir, Najib's father. He told me he has been encouraging her to get out of Afghanistan, that it was too dangerous for her to stay, but she refused. The Taliban have been coming around frequently, like they're looking for someone, and she finally left, but told him she'd be back. The villagers - they're starting to leave. Amir's taking his family to Kabul, he has a cousin there."
"So, you're just going to hop a plane to Afghanistan? You've gotta be on a bunch of watch lists for that region."
Steve just handed Danny the passport, a cocky grin on his face. Danny took the document and opened it. It was obviously a fake because the name, address and birth date didn't match Steve's, but the face in the photo did, if you added some facial hair.
"Ah, so that explains the beard."
"Yeah."
"How long you been planning this?"
Steve sat heavily in his chair. "I've had the passport since shortly after we got back last time."
"You've had the… Wow."
Steve was exasperated, "Danny, in all the time you've known me have you ever known me to not have a plan?"
"No, Steven, I have not. However, most of them have not been as monumentally bad as this one."
"It's not a bad plan, Danny. I should be able to get in okay. Finding Catherine… that's going to be the tough part."
"No disrespect, but you sure you want to do this? I mean, I know you loved the woman –" Danny stopped as the expression on his partner's face subtly changed and his tone was soft when he spoke again. "You still love her." It was a statement, not a question.
Steve didn't speak but nodded once, almost imperceptibly, and stood. "I uh, I need to get going," he said, "Joe's going to call me with the flight info any minute and I need to pack." He put his laptop in a sleeve, placed the passport and papers he'd removed from the safe inside with it, zipped the bag closed and started to move around the desk. Danny was standing, quietly watching, but the expression on his face gave Steve pause. He realized his partner was worried. Hell, Danny always worried, but there was something else.
Fear. Danny was afraid.
He proceeded around the desk, put his computer on a chair and pulled his friend into a manly hug. "Hey, man. I'll be careful. I promise."
"You'd better. Because Afghanistan is definitely on my list of places never to return to again."
They stayed in the embrace for just a moment before slapping each other on the back and separating as men do.
"Take care of the place for me?" Steve asked and received a nod in reply. "I'll call or text you every day. If you haven't heard from me in two call Joe, okay?"
"Yeah," Danny replied. Steve was almost to the glass door when the blonde spoke again. "Come home safe, will ya?"
"I'll do my best."
And with that he was gone.
Steve landed in Kabul 30 hours later and was back in the village a few hours after that. It was different from when he'd last been there; a ghost town now. As Amir said, the villagers had moved to safer areas of the country. It made his heart clench a little, thinking of how Catherine would hate to see this, and wondering if she already had.
He scouted the area, going first to Amir and Farah's home and then checking other buildings and the well where the family had hidden Catherine years before. He didn't think he'd find her there, assuming if she were in the area she would have shown herself when he rode up.
He returned to Amir's house and planned his next move while checking the map he'd brought and taking a few minutes to eat some trail mix. Amir had told him that Catherine had headed toward the mountains, toward a more remote area of the region, and he made a plan to head in that direction, hoping she was staying in one of the many caves, keeping a low profile.
He stood and was zipping his pack when he sensed more than heard something outside. He quietly moved toward the wall by the door, drawing his sidearm and listening hard. Someone was walking toward the house, moving quietly but with a stealth he would not expect from an enemy in this region of the world. He relaxed, but only slightly. The Taliban didn't do subtle, but he wasn't willing to bet his life on it.
He stood, pressed against the wall in the corner, his muscles coiled and ready to strike. It sounded like a single person or very small group, but he needed to determine how many hostiles he was dealing with before taking action. When the door opened slowly and someone started to enter the house he ascertained his visitor was alone and spoke, his voice low and deadly, "Don't move."
The figure stopped dead and then he heard a voice so familiar that it was like a balm to his heart. "Steve?"
He immediately lowered his weapon, moving out of the shadows and into the center of the room. She came in to the house and he was able to see her fully. She was wearing an odd mixture of American and Afghani clothing and still had a scarf covering her hair, although it was different than the one he had last seen on her. Her face was devoid of any makeup and smudged with dirt, but she was still the most beautiful sight he had ever seen. "Catherine".
He tucked his weapon in the back of his cargos and started toward her - one, two quick strides and then stopped suddenly; unsure, realizing he didn't know how his presence would be received. He never should have had any doubt. She dropped the pack she was holding and brought a hand to her mouth as tears filled her eyes. She seemed rooted to the floor so he crossed to her and gathered her into his arms, so tightly he felt like he might crush her. She fiercely returned the embrace, looping her arms up around his back and holding on like her life depended on it.
"Thank God you're all right," he murmured into her hair.
"Steve, what are you doing here?" Her voice was muffled in Steve's shirt as she held him tight.
He pulled back and searched her face before he spoke. "Amir called me."
She shook her head. "I wish he hadn't done that."
"Why? Catherine…" He stopped, took a few deep, measured breaths before he continued. This wasn't how he wanted their reunion to go and yelling wasn't going to solve anything. "Catherine, I was worried. I heard Taliban activity was increasing and I couldn't reach you. When Amir called I had pretty much already decided to come get you out."
She looked up at him, holding his gaze. "I was in the mountains and I couldn't get a signal on the phone. I wish I had, though, because I would have told you not to come. It's not safe for you here."
"You're right. And it's not safe for you anymore, either." He moved away, putting more distance between them and rubbing both hands down his bearded face. "You need to get the hell out of Afghanistan." He cut off the protest he could see coming. "I'm not saying you have to come back to Hawaii, but you have to leave here. Go somewhere, anywhere else in the world if you don't want to come -" The word 'home' died on his lips, he couldn't voice it. He hoped she still considered Hawaii her home, but realized that may no longer be the case.
"Steve, I…" she trailed off before changing direction. Her smile was soft and her expression guarded. "I just can't believe you're here."
"I couldn't not come for you."
That simple statement, uttered with absolute certainty, shattered the last of Catherine's defenses and tears filled her eyes as one hand flew again to her mouth.
He was at her side in an instant, pulling her to him, trying to comfort her, holding her tight to stop her trembling. "Shhh. Catherine, it's all right. Everything is going to be all right."
She wiped her eyes, fighting for some control, and put some distance between them again. "I know. You're right, it's time for me to leave. I had a close call the other day, too close."
He was suddenly all business – his hands on his hips. "What kind of close call?"
Catherine waved her hand and said, "It was no-" but she looked up at Steve, stopped and changed direction with a sigh. "It was stupid, I wasn't paying attention and there was a small group of Taliban soldiers in the village. I think one of them may have caught a glimpse of me because he got the other's attention and they headed my way." She looked away for a moment and someone who didn't know her as well as Steve might have missed the slight change in her body language, but he knew there was more. He was unnerved but forced himself to remain calm, assuming they hadn't found her or she wouldn't be standing in front of him right now, so he stayed quiet and let her speak.
She looked back at him and exhaled. "Someone in the village recalled them, they turned and left. That's it."
Steve could tell she was holding something back. "What else?" he asked.
"I told you, that's it."
Her evasiveness concerned him and it was reflected in his voice as he asked, "What happened? I know there's something else." She looked away and he stepped closer, reached up and gently turned her head so she was facing him. "What don't you want to tell me?"
"I was, uh, I was in the field with only the grass for cover and no other alternatives and they were headed directly for me. They were almost on top of me, Steve, but they never looked down. I was ready for it – to go down fighting with everything I had." Her voice broke as she continued, "They should have seen me – there's absolutely no reason… I just don't understand why I'm here with you right now." She looked up at him with a wry smile. "The irony is just when I had decided it was probably time to leave this place it looked like I wasn't going to ever get the chance." She turned away from him before speaking again, her voice a whisper. "And now I have the chance and I can't figure out where else to go."
He approached her from behind, sliding his arms around her middle and snugging her in under his chin. He made a split second decision in that moment. "Do you mind if I tag along?"
She turned in the circle of his arms, surprise registering on her face. "Steve? You would...?" She backed away from him but kept eye contact. "After what I did…"
He shrugged. "I did the same thing to you once, remember? I ran away from you seven years ago, told you it wasn't fair for you to wait for me, that I couldn't give you what I thought you needed… Somewhere along the line I realized all I could do was give you whatever I could and hope it would be enough. And it was, for a long time, and what we had worked." He moved forward again, to within arm's length and put his hands on her shoulders. "I'm the one who left the Navy, settled in Hawaii. I didn't ask what you thought, just assumed you'd support my decision."
"And I did – I've always wanted you to be happy, and those changes seemed to make you happy."
"Yeah… they did. And I was thrilled when you got stationed at Pearl, then when you decided to leave the Navy…"
"But you were angry when I didn't talk to you about my decision."
Steve shook his head. "No, not angry. Maybe a little hurt, but not angry. I wouldn't have had the right to be angry. I never talked to you before I decided the same thing." He lowered his hands to run them up and down her arms. "I assumed you made that decision because it was what you wanted, but then I realized a couple months ago maybe you did it because you thought it was what I wanted." He looked up at the ceiling then, steeling himself for her response, which came quickly.
"No." She placed her hands on either side of his face. "Steve, look at me."
When he resumed eye contact she continued, "Part of the reason I left the Navy was because of you. But it was my decision. At some point I was going to be transferred or deployed again – we both know it had to happen eventually - but it would have been different from all the other times. I mean, it was always hard to leave one posting, to make that change, but it was the job right?"
Steve nodded, he could relate.
"But as I got more settled on Hawaii, as our relationship got stronger, I realized I didn't want to leave you again. What I told you was true, I had been in the Navy half my life, and I decided it was time for a change."
"I see now that you struggled with the change more than I realized. I should have been more supportive, I –"
Catherine's finger on Steve's lips stopped him. "No, you were great. I never expected anything more."
He moved her finger, kissed it, and dropped their joined hands to chest level. "But you should have." He saw that she was going to interrupt again and said, "No, please let me get this out." He took a deep breath and exhaled. "You changed your life for me, and I responded by pushing you away."
She cocked her head to the side in an unspoken question but didn't interrupt.
"The truth is I was scared after El Condor. Scared someone else would use you to get to me, that I would lose you. I understand now what my dad was feeling when he sent Mary and me away to protect us. But rather than stop my investigation or stop asking questions like he did I pushed you away to keep you safe. I was selfish, Catherine, and I'm sorry."
He watched as her eyes began to fill with tears once again, released her hand and cradled her face, using his thumbs to wipe the wetness away.
"I did a lot of soul searching and realized I wouldn't trade the time I had with Freddie, or my dad. Even though they're gone and the time we had was too short… I guess what I'm trying to say is I should have been making the most of the time I had with you. I just… I couldn't bear the thought of losing you, and I lost you anyway."
She pulled away from him, tears running down her face. "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry, Steve."
He reached for her and tried not to be hurt when she imperceptibly angled her body away. He put one hand on his hip and grasped the back of his neck with the other. "This isn't going how I planned," he mumbled.
"I said I was sorry."
He sighed. "No, Cath. It's not you. It's this… all of this. I didn't tell you all this to make you feel guilty or because I expected an apology. Yes, you hurt me." He stopped when he saw her flinch at his words. He shrugged by way of apology and his voice was soft, caring when he spoke. "Well, you did. Cath, I'm not going to sugar coat it. You broke my heart." He reached for her again and didn't let her pull away this time, again cradling her face in his hands. "But I'm hoping you'll agree to help me fix it. I want to be with you, Catherine, if you'll have me. I'll go anywhere you want to go, anywhere but here. My life is in Hawaii, but I want us to live our life. And if that means we need to live somewhere else then I'll go, wherever you want." He let out a nervous laugh. "You'll probably have to protect me from Danny though, because he'll want to kill me."
Catherine laughed too, in spite of herself. It felt good to laugh again, she hadn't done nearly enough of it in the last ten months. And suddenly everything seemed so clear and she no longer had any doubts
"Yes, I'll have you. Of course I'll have you. And I appreciate the offer, but I think I'd like to go back to Hawaii. I spent a lot of time thinking about it these last couple months, and I liked our life there. It may have started out as your life but it definitely became ours. Besides, it's your home now and my home is wherever you are."
Steve's happiness lit up his face as he pulled her into his chest in another crushing embrace. He pulled back from her slightly, just enough to press a soft kiss to her lips. He reached up and gently, tenderly stroked the side of her face.
"I love you, Catherine." The smile he received in return made his heart soar. "I love you." His smile faltered as he continued softly, "It feels really good to say it in person. For a while there I wasn't sure I'd ever be able to."
He hugged her to him again, relishing in having her in his arms after so long and feeling his tension ebbing with the knowledge that she was finally coming home. He had been so anxious, so on edge, because of the nature of his current mission; the uncertainly of what he'd find and how she'd react to what he wanted to tell her. The worry flowed steadily out of his body the longer they held each other and was replaced by something else – a resurgence of the passion they had always shared. He was keenly aware of his want, his need to be close to her.
He put just enough distance between them to search her eyes and his unspoken question was answered when she pulled his head down and fused her mouth to his. It was a kiss born of longing and desire and quickly led to a much more heated reunion. They ended up on a rug on the dirt floor in the back room and, after lying in the comfort of each other's arms for too short a time they felt a mutual need to rise and don the items of clothing they'd practically torn off each other. They weren't safe here, the area wasn't secure and they needed to keep their guards up.
Still, they gravitated toward each other and sat on the simple bed, Steve's back against the wall and Catherine curled up against his chest. He kissed her temple. "I missed you."
She chucked softly and replied, "I could tell." Their coupling had been heated and desperate, born of being apart for so long, but still tender and loving. Steve had worshipped her body, almost like he was savoring the experience, just in case it wasn't real.
He chucked, too. "Guilty as charged."
She sobered. "I missed you too. So much." She leaned back so she could look at him. "I love you, too. You know that, right?"
He nodded and a grin lit up his face. "It's really good to hear you say it, though."
She snuggled up under his chin again and they sat that way for a few minutes. She was contemplating something. He couldn't see her bite her lip, but he could feel her start to tense. "Cath, what is it?"
She sighed. "I guess I forgot how well you know me." They shifted so they were sitting cross-legged, facing each other. He could tell she wasn't sure how to say what was on her mind. Eventually she took a deep, cleansing breath and just went with it. "I'm uh, I'm going to need a job when I come back."
He was relieved at her statement, happy it wasn't something else. "I've already thought about that. I've actually made some inquiries. The Navy might have a civilian contractor position at Pearl. I also talked to Mick about you joining his firm – he's thrilled with the prospect, although you might have to listen to him bitch about Doris." He shook his head unbelievingly and continued, "I think he's still not over her."
Catherine was relieved beyond words. How was it that he seemed to have an answer to all the questions that had been plaguing her for months? And she was touched by his consideration. "Wow. You've really given this some thought, haven't you?" He nodded. She bit her lip again, needing to know how he felt about something else. "I noticed you didn't mention Five-0…"
He reached for her hand and said, "You were a huge asset to Five-0," quickly adding, "and would be again. " He sought her eyes to be sure she was listening and would hear what he was about to say because he had a feeling he knew what she was really asking and how important it was to her. "And, just for the record I still trust you to have my back."
She smiled tentatively and nodded but he knew she wasn't convinced.
He reached out for her hand. "Hey – I'm serious. I don't blame you for anything. None of what happened is your fault and it's because of you I'm still here - you called Danny to get me out and gave him what he needed to do that." He chained her gaze, his eyes imploring her to take what he said as truth, but he could tell she was still doubtful. He squeezed her hand. "Catherine. I need you to believe me when I tell you that your actions saved my life."
She felt as though a weight had been lifted and reveled in how he still managed to always know what she needed to hear.
"I want to," she said and hastily added, "and I'm working on that," when she saw he was going to interrupt. "I'm just not sure I still trust myself to be your back up, though."
He sighed. "Well, then we'll work on that. All right?"
She smiled and nodded in reply. Then her expression turned more serious. "So… If I wanted to come back to Five-0 eventually," she said, then added, "and I'm not sure yet that I do," before squeezing his hand reassuringly, "that would be okay with you?"
"Absolutely." He paused to rise and stand next to the bed before reaching for her hand again. "I'm just not sure the Governor would approve it."
"He didn't have a problem with it before, has something changed?"
"Well, I was really hoping," he said then shifted positions awkwardly. "Hang on – I need to do this-" he dropped to one knee, "-right."
Catherine realized what was coming and said hastily, "Steve, you don't have to -"
He interrupted. "I know I don't have to. I want to. So just let me say it, all right?"
Catherine nodded, her eyes shining.
"Catherine, I love you. For a long time I thought you'd be safer if I didn't make a commitment to you. But I was always committed to you. You're it for me and I… I can't imagine ever loving anyone else as much as I love you. I don't ever want to."
He swallowed, more nervous that he had thought he would be.
"I was really hoping… if you came home, that you'd be coming back as my… wife. So will you…" he swallowed again, "marry me?"
Catherine closed her eyes and was quiet for several long moments before she looked at him and spoke gently. "Steve, are you sure? I can't even imagine how much I must have hurt you and we've been apart for months."
Steve's heart dropped but he forced himself to remain calm as he rose to stand then settled next to her on the bed, still holding her hand. He took a moment and watched his thumb caress her knuckles before he lifted his gaze to her face. "You're right. We have been apart for months and it wasn't easy - for either of us…"
She tilted her head in agreement.
"But it made me realize something. I missed you so much, but I also learned that I can live without you." When her face fell he squeezed her hand. "Hey," he said and waited for her to make eye contact again, "but I don't ever want to. I want you by my side for the rest of my life." Then a thought occurred to Steve that caused an uncomfortable tightening in his chest. "As long as that's what you want… too."
He released a breath he didn't even realize he'd been holding when she nodded her head and closed the short distance between them, pulling him into her arms. He tightened his embrace, wishing he would never have to let go. Realizing he hadn't actually gotten an answer to his question he asked, "Is that a yes?"
She nodded and, although he couldn't see her face he could hear the joy in her voice. "Yes, Steve, I'll marry you. Of course I'll marry you." She wrapped her arms around him even tighter, though he wouldn't have thought it possible, and he pulled her into his lap so she was sitting across his legs.
He could feel her warm breath in his ear and his body started to react to having her so close. When she let out a contented moan and said, "God, I love you so much," it was almost his undoing.
He reached up under her shirt to caress the skin of her back and searched out the sweet spot just below her ear before nipping little kisses along her jaw, finally finding her lips again. They only drew apart when the need to breathe became overwhelming.
But they both knew this wasn't the time or the place and Steve was panting and frustrated when he dropped his forehead to his bride-to-be's shoulder and tried to get his treacherous body under control. Upon finally having some success he sat back, lifted her off his lap and rose, extending a hand to her.
"We'd better get out of here, Rollins, because as soon as I get you home I am taking you to bed and keeping you there for a week."
"Promise?" She asked, teasing, and the heat in his gaze was all the answer she needed.
He turned to lead her out of the room but she tugged on his hand so he pivoted to look back at her, his brows raised in an unspoken question.
Her voice was soft, unsure when she spoke. "How do we know this isn't an amazing dream that we're going to wake up from any minute?"
He closed the short distance between them and placed his free hand behind her head, threading his fingers through her hair. He gazed into her eyes so deeply she felt a shiver run down her spine. "I guess you're just going to have to trust me on that, Lieutenant," he told her and placed on her lips a kiss so sweet it made her heart melt. Then he turned and led her out of the house, out of Afghanistan and into their future.
And as she followed him without question she whispered, "Always, Commander."
A couple final thoughts:
I realize this would probably be a perfectly acceptable place to end this story – a nice wrap up, if you will. But, I've already written another chapter, so another chapter you will get. I just need to polish it up a bit before posting and hope to do so soon.
I also wish to recognize njborba who painted a picture of Catherine's life in Afghanistan in her amazing story Love is a Minefield. That images I formed while reading that story have continued to stick with me and was were came to mind as I wrote about Catherine crossing the field before her close call with the Taliban soldiers. Thanks for the inspiration!