Chapter 3
Abigail closed her eyes and allowed herself to give in to the pleasure of just lying in EJ's arms. He felt so good. They felt so good.
She wanted to ask him why he'd come. She wanted to ask him why he hadn't honored her request to leave her alone.
But, truthfully, she really didn't want to hear his answers or his excuses. She didn't know if he would ever be able to admit that he was as deeply involved in this as she.
EJ silently cursed himself. What had possessed him to check on Abigail after his rehearsal? Will. Will had been talking to Sonny about his worries for his cousin Abigail. She'd been acting so strangely lately. Lost. Will worried that she was struggling with depression over the loss of Chad and Nick. He could not know that the reason Abigail was not attending the wedding was because she was feeling guilty about sleeping with the groom.
EJ hated the feeling that he'd hurt Abigail. She was such an incredible mixture of strength and softness. Beautiful, intelligent, passionate...she was an amazing woman. She was so young and inexperienced. It was hardly her fault that he could not stay away from her.
How was any of this possible? How could he love Samantha and be drawn to this astonishing girl? It made no sense.
He'd just known that he could not marry Samantha tomorrow without talking to Abigail. He hadn't liked the way he'd ended things. He had hurt her. Big Bad EJ Dimera cared that he hurt someone? He didn't like that at all. There could be no cracks in the ruthless armor he'd created. He was Stefano Dimera's son. Weakness was unacceptable.
"I came out here to be alone," she whispered softly. "I could not face sitting in your garden and watching you marry Sami. I'd be a total fraud...wishing Sami well with my words and wanting you in my mind. It's been hard enough all winter. Pretending with her beaming in wedding mode would just be too much, EJ."
She planted a sweet kiss on his chest and raised up onto her elbows to look at him.
The sadness on her face gutted him. Her beautiful eyes should never be filled with that kind of pain. It was his fault. He'd hurt two incredible women with his own selfishness.
"Abigail, I understand," he said. "When you one day marry..."
He stopped himself. Abigail would one day marry. There would be a man in her life. She would find a man who would hold her just like he was now doing, who'd walk hand in hand with her through Horton Square, a man who she would be proud to call hers, a man she wouldn't have to hide. She would find a man who would lose himself in her beauty, her passion. He envied him. He almost hated him.
He would have to watch it happen.
He'd once told her that he wanted to meet the man lucky enough to earn Abigail's love. Now, he wasn't so sure. The thought of her with another man angered him.
Was he jealous? He had no rights to Abigail. He was marrying Samantha.
"EJ, I'm afraid of what I'm feeling for you," she said. "I know that I should not have any feelings for you at all. I know you don't have feelings for me. I'm the worst kind of fool. I'm only telling you this because I do believe that I matter to you. I believe that, on some level, I do mean something to you. You aren't just using me for sex. You can get that at home now..."
"Abigail..."
She narrowed her eyes at him.
"Don't you dare interrupt me! I have to say this," she snapped. She rolled off of him and sat. She ran her hand through her hair nervously. "I need to not see you anymore. I want you to walk away and not come back. If we run into each other...I know we will...I need you to pretend that I don't exist. I will do that to you. After tonight, you will be just the brother of the man I once thought I loved. You will be just a reminder of my poor judgment. You have to promise me..."
Tears filled her eyes and spilled down her cheeks. She furiously wiped them and looked away.
"Promise me that you will be strong enough to not let this happen again. Obviously, I'm not," she said. "It's hard enough to want you as Sami's fiance. Doing this after tomorrow...I could not live with myself."
EJ didn't have much experience dealing with a conscience. He was a Dimera. It was his birthright to take what he wanted...morals be damned. That was why he'd always been drawn to Samantha. They were cut from the same cloth. They understood each other. She may not always like his methods or opinions, but Samantha was just as devious.
Samantha Brady had no room to judge EJ or anyone...
But yet she always did. Her mother, her sister, her ex lovers and husbands, Samantha held everyone she loved to a standard she herself could never hope to reach.
EJ had worked and schemed to take his father's company so that he could be free of his shadow and start a fresh life with his family. He'd been forced to give all of that up, kiss his father's hand and beg forgiveness like an errant school boy... all for her. He'd given up everything for her, but still she had blamed him for his sister's sins against her brother and tossed him aside. She'd even been prepared to cut a deal against him with the Salem prosecutor to save herself when she faced a murder rap against Joe Bernardi. A man she killed while protector her ex husband! She'd lied and kept him from his children. She'd shot him in the head. And she still expected 100 percent loyalty and asked him to come to her aid in any situation... no matter how foolish.
Abigail was simply asking him to save her from herself.
Abigail was not meant for sneaking around and deception. She may have made some mistakes in her life, but she was elementally good. She was light.
Bringing her into his darkness had been the worst mistake of all.
How could someone so perfect and honorable want to be with a man like him?
Samantha understood who he was. She shared his demons.
Abigail might have the power to cast those demons out.
EJ had tried to be on the up and up. He'd tried to be a better man. He'd always failed. Every single time. He knew it was too late. He was damned. He'd hurt too many people.
"I do not deserve you, Abigail Deveraux," he whispered. He rolled to his side and ran his fingers through the ends of her gorgeous, blonde hair.
She looked down into his eyes. He was so beautiful. It was deeper than his looks. He had such capacity to love. He was a wonderful father and brother. He'd been a good friend to her. He was not entirely the evil man he'd surrendered to become.
"I know you've done a lot of evil things. I know I should be afraid of you. I'm not. I honestly see a man that wants to be something more than he's become. I see him in your eyes when you look at me," Abigail said. "I just don't understand. Is he the man you started as and then you shifted into the Dimera mold? Or is he someone you are afraid of becoming? It's easier to accept things as they are instead of challenging yourself to become a better man and then fail. Are you just afraid of failing?"
EJ was speechless. If Abigail knew half of the atrocities he'd committed, she would run out that cabin door screaming.
"Abigail, you need to release this romantic vision of that you have of me. Believe me, I am that bad man I once told you about," he said huskily.
He had to make her understand. If she could see that he was damned ...irredeemable... maybe she could understand why she deserved so much more. And maybe she could finally see who he and Samantha deserved each other.
"Abigail, I am going to tell you something that I trust you will never repeat?"
She needed and stretched back out beside him on the bed.
"I raped Samantha. That is how Johnnie was conceived. I raped her and blackmailed her. I was on the run. I needed her help. My father wanted a Brady/Dimera child. I wanted her. She needed me to help save your Uncle Lucas's life. I held a gun on her, Abigail," he whispered. That night had changed his life. That night was his lowest point. The shame he felt still haunted him. He had now idea how Samantha had forgiven him.
Abigail felt like she'd been punched in the stomach. Poor Sami. Poor EJ. She knew the weight such a sin could carry. Her own father had shouldered that burden.
"Did you know my father raped Kayla Brady?" She reached out and touched his cheek. "He raped the woman his brother would one day marry. My father was the adopted son of a monster, a serial killer. He had his own demons, EJ. He didn't start out as the good man he became. He became a good man for my mother and his children. He wanted more for his children. But he always struggled with his own darkness."
EJ closed his eyes. Abigail worshipped her father. Was she comparing him to Jack to justify this attraction?
"I'm not Jack, Abigail," he said gravely.
She raised a perfectly arched brow.
"No. You're not."
EJ watched her face closely. Her eyes were so expressive, but her mouth was her biggest tell. He gorgeously full lips...
He felt himself becoming aroused again. The thought of those lips on his body...
He leaned over and captured her mouth with his.
She pushed him back, pulling away.
"No more, EJ," she groaned. "No more mixed signals. You want me. You don't want me. What do you want?"
He swore and pounded his fist into the mattress beside her.
"I do not bloody know!" he snapped at himself as much as her. "I know this is madness, but when I'm near you, I forget all logic. I forget the beautiful family I have at home. I forget that you are the Horton princess and I am the Dimera heir. I forget that my brother loves you. I forget that you are way too young and perfect for me. You have this hold over me that I cannot understand or explain. Your beautiful eyes... they captivate me."
Abigail was stunned. He'd never spoken to her like that before. So she wasn't alone in this after all...
"Do you ever wish it could be different?" she sighed. "No baggage, no history. Just you and me. There's no story here but the one we create. No lies. No betrayals. No need for atonement?"
He closed his eyes and could honestly picture it. He could see himself walking with Abigail down the streets of Paris or London. She'd love to travel with him. They could explore museums and immerse themselves in foreign cultures. He could see her giving birth to his child.
Those days when they'd feared a pregnancy had been terrifying, but they'd revealed a startling truth... EJ liked the idea of having a baby with Abigail. He'd been denied experiencing early fatherhood with both of his children by a vengeful Samantha. Sharing a child with this incredible woman would be an amazing experience.
But that was fantasy. Samantha was his life. His reality. He could hardly throw away his family for a shot at a fresh start with Abigail Deveraux.
"If I were a different man, Abigail, I could love you for the rest of my days," he said honestly. "Chad was extraordinarily lucky when he found you. That's why he was so desperate to keep you. But I cannot be the man you need, darling. I do love Samantha. I do. I sincerely mean that."
His words hurt to hear, but Abigail knew they were true. EJ loved Sami Brady. He'd done unmentionable things in the pursuit of Sami Brady.
"Then why is this happening between us?"
He shook his head in denial.
She put her fingers against his lips, silencing him.
"You told me once that 'we' hadn't actually happened," she whispered. "This is a lie. 'We' kept happening. 'We' just happened again. Twelve hours from now you are supposed to be marrying the woman you say you love more than your own life. Thirty minutes ago you were inside of me. How do you explain that?"
EJ met her chocolate gaze. He could not lie to her. She had always been able to see through him. She alone had that power. She had her parents' journalistic instincts. He could no pretend to be in control of this situation. He had no answers.
"I don't know," he said honestly. "I can't explain it to myself."
Abigail leaned forward and wrapped her arms around him. How could he answer the unanswerable?
EJ gave in to the tenderness of her embrace. He shifted so that, once again, she lay atop his chest and held her close.
This had to be it. This had to be the end. He couldn't keep doing this to any of them.
"Stay here with me tonight, EJ. I know what I said, but I'm changing my mind. Let's just be 'us' tonight. Tomorrow, we will go our separate ways," she said, tears dampening his chest. "Tomorrow, you will marry Sami and I'll pretend to be happy for you. Tonight, can we just be together and pretend the rest of the world isn't out there? I'm Abby and you're Elvis...two people who just want this night. Abigail Deveraux and EJ Dimera don't exist."
He closed his eyes and held her tighter.
One night with Abigail... Abby. One night to just give in and let go. It sounded wonderful.
But what if he couldn't let her go?