Chapter 29: Discovery
"I have no idea what made her snap, but something just broke and she let it all out. I'm going to talk with her once she wakes up. That's not normal. Something else had to have happened, right?"
"Shelby…" Casey looked at her, eyes red with sleep and sadness. "We need to talk… About Rachel…"
"Did something happen yesterday? Is that why she was so upset?"
"I honestly have no idea why she is upset." Casey attempted to assure her, but Shelby looked devastated.
"I don't know what's going on." She huffed as she exasperatedly dropped into the seat across from her sister. "I've never seen her like that. When I first found out about her father's and I went to see her, she cried, but this was different. Did I ever tell you how I found out about her fathers' death?" Casey shook her head.
"No, you didn't. Mom and Dad just said that they died in a car accident and that Rachel would be staying with you."
"She didn't tell me… She didn't tell anyone…" Casey could see the faraway look on Shelby's face. Just like her, Shelby didn't know what to make of the situation. There was a lot she didn't know about her niece, she did only just meet her, but there seemed to be a lot Shelby didn't know about her daughter as well.
"So how did you find out?" While she wanted to just get straight to the point, tell Shelby that there was some deeper issue at play, she also needed to hear what Shelby had to say. She could see that her sister needed to talk. Lord knew there was no one else to talk to. It might as well have been her. And, in all honesty, Rachel fascinated her, reminded her so much of herself. The girl was so withdrawn but outgoing, so perfect yet so flawed, and she felt a kinship with her that she wanted to explore. She wanted to be there for her niece, but to do that, she needed to know more.
"A lawyer." She answered flatly.
"A lawyer? What?"
"Yeah…" The day had barely begun and it was weighing on her. Shelby didn't know how she'd make it through. "It was a Monday morning. I was just about to head into work when the phone rang. This guy said his name was Larry, asked for me, and said he was an attorney. I didn't know what that meant. You know? Why was a lawyer calling me? Did I do something? Did something happen?" Casey watched as Shelby relived the event, the whole day, the sadness that surrounded her being reunited with her daughter.
"And?" Casey wanted to hear it. She didn't want Shelby to drag it out.
"He asked to meet me as soon as possible, that it was an urgent matter that needed to be resolved. I had work and it was my first day working with glee, so I agreed to meet him later in the day."She sighed. "It was a rough day. I was on edge running through every possibility, trying to figure out what the lawyer could want. Rachel wouldn't talk to me still. She was being distant and cold. I swear, if looks could kill… Anyway, Will and I…"
"The glee teacher right?"
"Yes, him. We had discussed her fathers, and even Rachel a little bit. There was a meeting parents were supposed to attend. He tried calling them several times… If I had known then…God, how could she not tell anyone?"
"She didn't want anyone to know Shelby. She was probably scared and she was all alone. The only world she ever knew was gone. Her parents were gone. Maybe she didn't know how to deal with it so she wasn't. There was nothing you could've done to change that."
"I could've been there. She spent two weeks alone dealing with it… Or not dealing with it. I don't know."
"Two weeks?" She didn't know that. Two weeks alone, dealing with death, and pretending everything was ok. That wasn't healthy. Casey was stunned. She thought, maybe, maybe it was a few days; two maybe three, but she didn't think it was two weeks.
"I know. It's crazy. But that was what Larry told me. He assumed I knew that they died. He assumed Rachel told people. How was he supposed to know?"
"What else did he say?" Casey asked, trying to move it along.
"He told me that, should anything happen to them, the Berrys left Rachel in my custody. He was told to discuss it with me first before Rachel and if I couldn't, other arrangements would be made."
"So of course you agreed to take her. There should've been no hesitation." Shelby tensed, her body becoming rigid. "You really had to think about it?" Casey asked slightly aghast but trying not to show it. She was failing, but at least she was trying to mask it.
"I… You have to understand Casey. She hated me. I hurt her. Saying yes meant taking in a girl going through probably the hardest thing she has to face and helping her through it when I had a baby at home. That would've been hard enough, but add to that that she really didn't want anything to do with me, and yeah, I had to think about it. I had to make sure I was ready." And she honestly didn't think she was. Isn't that what Schue said when she first walked away. Her daughter didn't want her. She didn't know if she was ready to deal with that either.
"So what changed your mind?"
"I asked what would happen if I couldn't."
"And he said?" Obviously nothing good…
"He said social services needed to be notified."
"They weren't aware of it?"
"I guess it took longer because it was an international thing. I'm not really sure. It doesn't really matter. When he said that she'd be placed in a foster home or a group home I just asked where I needed to sign. I wasn't ready. I didn't know how to handle anything. I didn't know how to help her, but I had to do it." Casey didn't know what to make of that last part. "I didn't know how to help her, but I had to do it." She knew the history. She was there to pick up the pieces when Shelby had to leave her daughter. She was there to help when she decided to leave for New York almost immediately after giving Rachel away. But this was different. A part of Casey wondered if things had changed. For the longest time, Shelby was desperate to have Rachel in her life. That little girl took over Shelby's life without ever having really been in it. Had something changed? Had Shelby given up? Was she doing it purely out of obligation, or was she just burying her true feelings deep enough to keep Rachel at arm's length in order to quell her fears and insecurities?
Keeping her thoughts quiet she asked, "So what happened after that? I assume you went and confronted her about it."
"Not right away."
"Shelby…" She said in a very scolding manner.
"I didn't know what to say. I had to wrap my head around everything first and I just needed to be with Beth. I needed to hold my baby and feel that the world was still a good place."
"So you went home to your baby when she was perfectly fine, but left your hurting sixteen year old to continue fending for herself."
"It wasn't like that Casey. Don't make me out to be the bad guy here." She felt like her family just loved attacking her parenting. "As soon as I came up with something, anything to say, I found someone to watch Beth and went straight to Rachel." Casey sipped her coffee as she urged Shelby to continue. "She wasn't home when I got there, which was odd because it was late and she had school in the morning. I knocked and waited, but no one was home so eventually I just looked for a hidden key and let myself in. And then I waited inside. It was getting late and I was so tired. I ended up falling asleep on the couch while waiting for her."
"You fell asleep?"
"I fell asleep." She confirmed. "I was woken up by an angry Rachel. She kept telling me to leave and I kept asking her where she was. It was around midnight. She should've been home. It was back and forth, but she was sweaty and cold telling me to go. 'You shouldn't be here.' She said. She kept throwing adopting Beth in my face and then she stormed away." Casey thought it best to just let her continue, no interruptions. "I had to wait 20 minutes for her to get out of the shower and even then, she just ignored me, trying to will me away. I tried telling her that I knew what happened, I asked her why she didn't tell anyone, and I assured her I'd be there for her. Eventually, she just laid in her bed and cried. So I curled up next to her and tried to comfort her even when she pushed me away. That was the only other time I think she ever let me hold her."
"Except for tonight."
"Yes. And not once did she say that they were gone. She never said they were dead. It was like she physically couldn't."
"Probably because she couldn't Shelby. She was in denial hoping that it was all a lie. Admitting it would've been accepting it."
"We never really talked about it. Do you think I should have?"
"I don't know right and wrong in this situation. I just think you need to be there for her however you can, in whatever way she'll let you." She sighed before asking, "What about now?"
"Now what?"
"You said that when you first took her in, you did it because you had to. And now, is it still just something you have to do?"
"I wish I could say it wasn't, but a part of me still feels it is. She doesn't want me. She doesn't talk to me unless she has to. I doubt she wants to be here. I mean, she makes an effort. But maybe that's not enough. I love her, but I don't know if that's enough." Maybe she wasn't enough… Maybe she wasn't a good enough mother…
"You have this ideal in your head that the perfect family is you, the baby, and the picket fence, but maybe Rachel was what was missing the whole time. Maybe she's what you needed all along."
"Even if that's true, until today and even today, she never opened up to me. She never leaned on me. She doesn't need me."
"But maybe you need her. And whether you believe it or not, she needs you too. She's a struggling teenage girl who is going through more than we could possibly know and she needs her mother. Especially now…"
"Maybe you're right. Maybe she does need me more than she lets on, but I wish she'd come to me, ask me for help, lean on me… Wait, what do you mean especially now?"
"I don't know Shelby, there's something going on there."
"Where?"
"With Rachel. Have you noticed anything off about her? Has she been acting strangely?"
"You mean, with the exception of cry fest? No, no more so than usual I guess."
"You honestly haven't seen anything?"
"What are you getting at Casey?" Shelby wasn't planning on discussing her daughter's flaws. Yes, she noticed Rachel's odd behavior, but it really wasn't much different than when she first moved in. If anything, Rachel got so much better at hiding things and pretending to be alright that Shelby just wrote off the few things she did notice as flukes.
Hearing Shelby's nonchalance and reading it as something more than the front her sister put up, Casey got a little upset. "Get your head out of your ass Shelby and be her mother."
"What is with you and mom? I'm doing the best I can."
"Well, your best really sucks. You're either missing all the signs or you really don't care enough to see them."
"What signs?"
"There's obviously something wrong here." She said with attitude. The plan was to calmly talk to Shelby, to tell her what she was seeing, and see if she was seeing the same. But then Shelby goes and says something that irritated her. It wasn't even completely horrible, but she wasn't seeing the big picture. Shelby didn't know how to be Rachel's mom so she wasn't being one at all. She was the enforcer, the punisher, the rule setter, and the warden, but she wasn't the maternal figure that Rachel needed her to be. "She needs you to see that."
"So you do know why she was crying? Please tell me. I want to help her, but I can't if I don't know what's wrong and she wouldn't tell me."
"No Shelby, I don't know why she was crying." Seeing her sister about to go off, Casey quickly cut her off. "But I do know that she is not ok. I may not have known her very long, but you have to see it too."
"What is it that you're seeing?"
"She doesn't smile Shelby."
"Yes she does."
"No, not real smiles. When she thinks no one's looking, she just sinks. Her body tenses and she looks like she's one glance away from bursting into tears. Apparently, I was right."
"Do you think that was about her dads?"
"I think that's only part of it. There's so much more to it."
"Well then, please enlighten me. What else is going on with my daughter?" She sounded almost angry; upset that Casey thought she knew more than she did about her own daughter.
"I don't know what to tell you Shelby. But she is tiny. She doesn't eat…"
"She does eat. I make her eat. You should've seen her when she first came here. Then, then she didn't eat."
"Shelby…" She reprimanded. "Something's not right here."
"So much isn't right here. She should've been stressing about boys or, with her, glee, not dealing with the loss and burying her parents."
"They were buried? If no one knew, did she have a funeral for them?"
"Rachel never said what she did with the ashes, but the lawyer told me that they were cremated."
"So you haven't talked to her at all about that?"
"I tried. She doesn't really want to talk to me about anything. I'm lucky if she gives me an honest answer when I ask about her day."
"Force her to talk."
"I do. That's the only reason I know what little I know now."
"Ok. Did she say anything while you were with her?"
"Yeah actually, she did." Shelby started. "She said that it was her fault. She said it was all her fault and that she was going to try to be better."
"What did she think was her fault? And be better at what?" Casey asked confused.
"I have no idea." Shelby said exasperatedly. "She just kept saying it over and over. 'I'm going to try harder.' 'I'm going to be better. I won't be so bad anymore…' 'It was all my fault.'"
"That is… That's not…" She was at a loss. Obviously, there was some missing information, but Shelby didn't seem to have the answers either.
"I know." Shelby was getting frustrated.
"She's not ok."
"Don't you think I know that?" Shelby snapped. "Obviously things are not ok. If they were ok, the doctor wouldn't be worried about her weight, I wouldn't be worried about her running away every time I do something wrong, and she wouldn't be spending half the night crying, practically making herself sick until it's so exhausting she just falls asleep."
"Calm down Shelby." Casey tried to pacify her sister, but it was no use. The lack of sleep, the long night… It was all building up and it didn't take much, or long, for her to crack.
"Rachel is sleeping… Beth is too. You need to calm down or you'll wake them and we both know that poor girl needs some rest."
"Fine, I'm calm." She wasn't, but she refilled her coffee cup and sat back at the table, doing her best to keep her emotions under control.
Sensing the opening, Casey started to search for answers to the questions she had. She needed to figure out what was going on with Rachel or she wouldn't feel right leaving in that Sunday. "How has she been at school lately?"
"She's Rachel. She has perfect grades. She shows up to class, most of the time. She never talked much in my class, but I guess, the other teachers have said she has been quieter."
"And her work? How has that been?"
"She does her work. I make her do it in front of me as a punishment, but she usually has weeks' worth done in advance."
"Shelby I think…" Casey's thoughts were cut off by the phone. She was just about to give Shelby her ideas and speculations when the interruption came. No, there was no real proof, just a tiny Rachel and a depressed girl, but that was all she needed to be convinced that there were major issues at play; major issues that Shelby needed to be aware of.
"Hello…. Hey Will… Yeah, sure… I completely forgot about that… Yes, I'll be there. No problem, bye."
"What was that about?" Casey asked as Shelby returned.
"I have to go to work today. I forgot there was a meeting for all faculty and Will wanted to run some ideas by me after."
"And you're just going to go?"
"I have to if I want to keep my job. Will you be ok with the kids?"
"I'll make it work."
"Thank you." Shelby hugged her sister to show her gratitude; not just for watching her daughter's, but for caring about them too.
"This conversation isn't over though. Your daughter needs you and there are still a few things we need to discuss."
"I know, but right now, I have to get dressed and get out of here before I'm late."
Casey watched a scattered and tired and emotionally strained Shelby rush around the house getting ready to leave. Something told her that things weren't going to end well. Things were going to get worse before they got better, and she needed Shelby to see that to. If nothing else, she needed to prepare Shelby. Whatever was going on in Rachel's life, they needed to be prepared to deal with it, and she was going to help them through it.
Upstairs, Rachel didn't want to get out of bed. Her body screamed at her not to move, not to breathe, to just let go. But, looking at the clock, she knew she had to. It was hours later than she normally slept. And though she'd prefer to pretend the breakdown never happened, she knew that wasn't an option. Shelby was likely to be all over her once she walked out her bedroom door. But that could wait another ten minutes. The day could wait because she didn't want to leave her bed. She had no reason to. Her world was void of all reason. She had nothing, no one. There was no reason to force herself into the world. It wasn't worth the exertion. Life wasn't worth the fight sometimes.
It was nearly nine when she finally dragged herself out of bed. She was being lazy, and that was unlike her, but she just didn't care. And prolonging the inevitable "talk" with Shelby seemed the best possible scenario. After a quick bathroom trip, she grabbed her robe and sleepily headed downstairs. Time to face the dragon.
Casey watched her sluggishly move about the kitchen much like her mother had just hours earlier. Nursing her own cup of coffee from the fresh pot, Rachel sat down at the table. "Good morning." She said to Casey, hoping that she didn't know about the breakdown. Shelby was nowhere to be seen, so at the very least, she got somewhat of a reprieve.
"Morning sweetheart. How are you feeling?"
"I'm fine." She answered quickly and defensively. What kind of question was that? Why wouldn't she be anything but fine? "Where's Shelby?" A change in topic was in order and she needed to know what parts of the house to avoid.
"She had to go to work. You're stuck with me and Beth today kid."
"Oh, ok." Good!
Casey didn't know whether or not to broach the subject. She didn't know if it was her place. It was possible Rachel would be more receptive to opening up to her since she didn't share the resentment filled past that Shelby had with her. But she also wanted Rachel to come to her. That would be ideal.
Rachel, however, was planning on pretending it never happened. She didn't know that Casey knew about it and since Shelby wasn't around, it was time to head into denial land. As Rachel went to head back into her room, Casey stopped her. All she wanted to do was lie back in bed and do nothing, speak to no one, and maybe catch up on sleep. "Where are you going?"
"My room."
"Why don't you go get dressed then meet me down here?"
"Why?"
"We're going out. It's a nice day. I thought we could take Beth out for a little while. It will be fun." She wasn't convincing. Rachel wasn't buying it.
"I don't feel like going out. I have work I need to get caught up on and glee ideas I want to go through."
"Still, go get dressed and I'll make breakfast. We can't stay cooped up in the house forever."
"I'm not hungry."
"Hungry or not, you need to eat."
"Whatever." It was a rough morning, but they managed to get out of the house by noon. It was warm out and Casey wanted to go to the park. It would be quiet enough so they could talk and Beth could play. They'd have a picnic, and she'd watch what and how much Rachel ate because she barely touched her breakfast. She had a plan. She didn't know how well it'd work out, but she still had a plan.
As a slightly unwilling participant, Rachel joined the rest of the Corcorans to the park. It was an unusually warm March day, in the sixties when the Ohio average was in the fifties, so it was a good park day, but they were still bundled up. They didn't want to chance getting sick. It was a calm day. Rachel still wasn't feeling well and Casey had to be more focused on the wild Beth who wanted nothing more than to run around, but Rachel could feel she was being watched. Any chance Casey got, she looked over to Rachel. Sometimes she attempted small talk and left openings for Rachel to talk about whatever, but she never got that. Rachel spoke when spoken to. Other than that, she stayed silent and away from the group. And she stayed as far away from Beth as she could. It was nothing against the tiny blonde, but Rachel just couldn't look at any child under the age of two and not feel a pang in her heart. But that distance worried Casey. The distance between the two sisters wasn't what she had witnessed during her visit. Rachel never made it a point to do everything and anything with Beth, but she did play with her and read with her on occasion. Lately, though, that had changed. And their relationship was back to what it was nearly a week ago when Casey first arrived. It was disconcerting.
Casey abruptly stood from the bench they were sitting at, Beth in her arms drinking juice. "Hold her for me Rachel." The teen shook her head furiously. "Please, I need my hands."
"I can't." Rachel said adamantly. She couldn't.
"You can, please Rachel." Casey tried once again to pass the toddler to her. Rachel had no choice but to take her. "Thank you. I'll be right back. I'm just running to the car."
Rachel was uncomfortable, handling Beth like she never held her before. "I'm sorry." She whispered to her sister. "I know you want me to hold you and play with you."
"Play!" She interrupted. "Play!"
"Yes Beth, I know you want me to play. But I don't know if I can. Every time I see you… It's just too hard. I feel… I… I'm sorry." She needed to keep Beth at arm's length. She may not have been ready for motherhood, but losing a baby still hurt and she would've loved and cared for her child ready or not. But holding Beth reminded her she didn't have that chance. She may never have that chance again. And she never, ever, would with the baby she lost. It wasn't fair. Nothing was fair.
"Rashel play!"
"Rachel no play… Not for a while. Ok Beth. I know you don't understand and I'm sorry." She looked around. The park was empty save for the occasional passerby and dog walkers. Her aunt was still out of sight. Feeling safe with her surroundings she quietly said, "But there was a baby in my tummy." Saying it out loud, pointing to her stomach, even to someone so small she didn't understand, just made Rachel sadder. There was a baby there. "But the baby went bye bye. And every time I see you, it makes Rachel very sad." She didn't want to cry. She wouldn't cry. Why was it she could only talk to a kid? "So I'm going to stay away from you for a little while. I'm sorry if that makes you sad. It might make me a little sad too. You're actually a good kid, no matter what demon gave birth to you." What else was there to say? Was there anything? Nothing she said would even register. Beth would still bug her to play and hold her like she always did. Nothing would change. It would just hurt more when it happened.
"I'm back!" Casey announced as she approached carrying a lunchbox. "Hey, you ok?" It didn't take a genius to see the damaged look on Rachel's face. She should've covered it up better.
"I'm fine." Rachel responded and put Beth down to walk over to Casey. "Go to Aunt Casey Beth."
"Hey big girl. You hungry?" She asked as she scooped the little girl into her arms.
"Food." Beth said while clapping her hands. This time pointing to the bag she squealed, "Food!"
"Yes, food for Beth's belly." Casey pulled out a child's decorated container full of Beth's snacks as well as some of the other things she liked to eat. For herself and Rachel, she made salad. Opening up the food for Beth and pushing one container of salad toward Rachel, she said, "I figured salad would be a safe bet. I didn't know what vegan food with travel well so I went simple. I hope that's ok."
"Salad's good, thanks." Rachel took the food, opened it, and played with it.
Again, she didn't eat though. She still couldn't bring herself to put the food in her mouth and chew. She knew she needed to. It was part of fulfilling the promise she made, but she couldn't. Her actions looked suspicious. Normally she'd cover it up. But now, she just couldn't eat, and she didn't care enough to cover it up. It wasn't her issue doing it. She physically had no appetite. It wasn't about weight. It was about grief compounded, multiplying over and over until it was too much to bear.
"Is something wrong with it?"
Smiling a shy smile, Rachel said, "No, it's perfect. Thank you."
"You're not eating it."
"I am, I just really have no appetite. I do appreciate the work you put into it though. It was very courteous of you to think of my needs."
"It wasn't courteous Rachel. I'm your aunt. That means I'm inclined to think of you."
"Well thank you."
"You need to eat though. You barely touched your breakfast or you food yesterday. Are you sure everything's alright?"
"Everything's just fine. I think, however, that I need to work up an appetite. I'm just going to walk around a bit if that's ok." Permission or not, she was doing it. She stood from the table, closed the lid, and walked away. At first she just wandered around a little, but she found a slightly secluded swing that could barely be seen from the table they were sitting at.
Casey watched her niece all deep in thought, the younger girl's brow furrowing and the fake happiness she exuded gone. Rachel had been through so much in such a short time. Her mother sought her out only to leave her, adopt a baby, and come back soon after that. If that wasn't enough to handle, her parents died and she was forced into a life she wasn't ready for. Casey didn't understand how she was as together as she was, but she could see the glue becoming undone.
"Baby!" Beth giggled putting her hand on Casey's stomach.
"What did you say Beth?"
"Baby."
"No, no baby in Aunt Casey's belly."
"Rashel baby."
"What about Rachel honey?" Casey asked confused. What was Beth talking about?
"Baby!"
"No baby for Rachel."
"No baby?" Beth pouted.
"No baby Bethie."
"Rashel baby." She cried again pointing to Casey's stomach. It was hard to figure out what was going through the toddler's mind. Casey had to wonder where she picked that one up. Did Shelby have a pregnant friend? Obviously there was no baby in Rachel. Right? Rachel was just one of the few names she was close to mastering. Yeah, that was it. Wasn't it?
"What's going on?" Rachel suddenly appeared and stared at her confused aunt. Casey was lost in her thoughts.
"Nothing. Sit. Eat."
Letting out an aggravated stare, Rachel thought the right thing to do was just not argue. She may not have been hungry, but she could appease her aunt. But she couldn't do it for long. Every so often, Rachel would check her watch, unaware of Casey's scrutinizing gaze. "Do you have somewhere you need to be?"
"What?" Rachel's head snapped up from the mesmerizing array of lettuce and vegetables.
"Do you have somewhere you need to be? You keep checking your watch."
"I'm sorry. I don't mean to be rude." Without saying anything in return. Casey just watched her. She looked like she was contemplating something over. And she was. She was asking herself how much she could trust Casey. She was asking whether she could ask her for a ride without too much questioning or if she would have to go and grovel to Quinn for a ride because she didn't want anyone else knowing or even sniffing around the idea of Rachel and… She just didn't want anyone to know.
Deciding it was time to say something, Casey went with a different topic. She'd ease her way back. "You're still not eating."
"Casey?" She didn't even hear her aunt's last statement and Casey was aware of that.
"Yeah Rach?"
"If I…" She started timidly. Could she do it? Could she ask Casey for anything? She said she would always be there, didn't she?
"What? If you what?" Casey was hoping for that moment of clarity where Rachel would see that she was there for her. Maybe this would be that moment. Probably not, but maybe she'd at least open up a little.
"If I, uh, if I asked you… If I asked you to bring me somewhere, would you do it?"
"Where do you need to go?"
"Would you… Would you do it with no questions? And you can't tell Shelby."
"Rachel, what's going on? Why can't I tell your mom?"
"You just can't! Please…" She pleaded, only making her aunt more concerned.
"Where do you need to go?"Her voice was soothing, an even tempo that calmed the nerves.
"Can… Can't you just drive me? I'll give you directions in the car."
"Sure, if you answer just a few of my questions." Casey said as she started packing up the things and carrying Beth to the car.
"No questions. I said no questions." Rachel insisted as she followed behind her aunt and sister.
"Just a few I promise, and they aren't about details."
"What questions then?" Rachel knew it wasn't a fight she wanted to have. She'd let Casey ask the questions and see where she took things, but just because she asked didn't mean Rachel had to answer.
"Are you in some kind of trouble?"
"No." Was she? Maybe… What was considered trouble?
"Is whatever I'm taking you to do dangerous?"
"No." Not to anyone or anything but her own psyche.
"Will you be alone?"
"Yes, no, sort of… It's complicated." Rachel stumbled on her words. Casey was watching and taking note of every move, every action, and she goes and does that.
"It's complicated? What does that mean?"
"I guess… It means that, while I will not be with anyone from school or glee, there will be people there with me. So, no people will be there. I guess that means I won't be alone."
What the hell did that mean? Casey wanted Rachel to trust her. That was the only way to get her to come to her, but she needed to know more. However, she couldn't ask the questions she really wanted to ask without pushing the girl away further. So she asked what needed to be asked to make sure Rachel was ok. "Do you need money for whatever?"
Rachel was thankful for the line of questioning. Her aunt didn't ask questions she couldn't or wouldn't answer. "No."
"Do you need me to stay with you or go in with you?"
"No!" Rachel panicked. "No, you can't come in. You can wait in the car out in the parking lot or you can take Beth and go shopping or whatever and then pick me up after when I'm ready. Do anything, whatever you want, but you can't come in." Her breaths were becoming short and shallow like she was on the verge of a panic attack. And she was. It had been a while, but she was. She knew what to expect when she got there, but she knew nothing at all. She was just scared. She felt scared and alone and empty… So, so empty…
Worried about her niece, Casey pulled over on the side of the long road. "Ok Rachel, I won't come in. Just calm down. You're ok." Casey assured her. "I won't come in. I'll wait outside with Beth while you go in. But if you want to get there, you have to tell me where to go."
Finally catching her breath, Rachel pointed to the end of the road and said, "Turn left there." The rest of the trip was silent except for the random directions that Rachel gave for Casey to follow and the sounds of Beth gurgling and babbling in the back seat. "Here. Pull in here." Rachel said as they approached their final destination.
The clinic? Why were they there? Casey wasn't sure what was going on. "What are we doing here Rachel?"
"No more questions. I'm running late. You'll be here when I come out?" Rachel's eyes pleaded with her to just leave it at that and answer the question.
"I'll be here when you get out." Rachel began to open the door when Casey's hand went to her shoulder. Turning to see what Casey wanted, Rachel just looked at her. "Are you sure you don't want me to come in?" She heard Rachel say she was running late. Obviously she had an appointment. But what was the appointment for? Whatever it was, it wasn't something she felt comfortable going to her regular doctor for and she went out of her way to get it. There were closer places. What was going on?
"I'm sure. Thank you." She said with little to no conviction. Maybe she did want someone there with her, but she didn't deserve it and she couldn't ask that of anyone, especially not someone as nice to her as Casey was. "I'll be back as quickly as possible." With that, Rachel left Casey to wonder.
A clinic… Odd behavior… Weird appetite… Maybe she had this wrong. Beth said… Beth said baby. Rachel's baby… Oh god, no it wasn't true. It couldn't be.
While Casey was running through everything in her head, thinking and rethinking over the last few days, Rachel was inside the clinic. She signed her name on the sheet. She waited for Barbara to be called because that was who she was there; Barbara Ray. And when she was finally called, the tension in her body only increased. The questions were hard; not to answer, but to say. She had to watch the tissue leave her body. Tissue… That's what her baby was reduced to. She had to watch the tissue leave her body over the last two days and the doctor wanted her to talk about it. Changing it from dead baby to tissue wasn't making it any easier to talk about. And it was just something she wanted to forget about anyway. But no, that wasn't possible.
He wanted the gory details. He wanted specifics. How much? How little? How are you feeling? Pain here? Pain there? Has anything happened? Anything changed? He did an ultrasound and an exam to see if any tissue was left. It was still uncomfortable, still not something she ever wanted to do, but she did it. She had to, or she chose to for some unknown reason. She knew Dr. Franks was just doing his job; doing what he had to do, but she still felt wrong. Everything always felt wrong. But apparently, things were alright. Things seemed to pass as they should have. Because those things should have passed in the first place… Insert sarcasm here…
God, what happened to her life? What happened to the happy goal oriented girl that wanted nothing more than Broadway? When did she stop being that? When did things change? Now she was nothing but a world of problems. Miscarriage… Death… Shelby… Bullies… Puck… Noah… Her… Her issues… Everyone… Everything… Life sucked. When did she let that happen? How did she let that happen? One day she was the most loved little girl in the world with two of the best gays a girl could ask for and the next she was living with a mother who hated her and wishing for the end to come; for her soul to be taken so she could just rest. She wanted so badly to just give in. She wanted so badly to just accidently cut a little too deep or swallow a few extra pills, and maybe soon she would. She just wasn't totally there yet.
"Did you hear me Barbara?"
"I'm sorry, what?" She looked up to the doctor, finally pulled from her dark and somber thoughts.
He talked to her, a look of pity in his eyes. As he told her what to be aware of, warning signs for infection and other serious side effects, all she saw was him thinking, "Poor girl, such a disgrace. Was pregnant and lost a baby all before the end of high school. And look at her. She's hideous." He probably wasn't thinking that at all, but that was what she got. She saw bad where there was good and worse when there was awful. There was no more good left in her world; none that she knew of anyway.
"So if you see any of those signs, come in immediately to avoid any further and more dangerous complications."
"Ok." She barely heard anything he said to her.
"Take it easy for a while Barbara. It's a difficult time and stress isn't good for you. If there's any pain, you still have the prescription from your last visit. Take it if needed, although you shouldn't need it."
"Thank you Dr. Franks."
"Get dressed, you're free to go." Free to go… Free to go… What exactly did that mean? Was she stuck there if she wasn't? And where exactly was she free to go? Was she free to go home, a term she used loosely, to face her own hell in the privacy of her room? Was she free to roam around without a constant reminder of everything she lost and would never get back? What was free to go? Clearing her mind, she slipped back into her clothes and started out.
Casey was still outside with Beth, still thinking about the possibilities. Mostly, she was trying to figure out if Beth was right about Rachel. The only problem was how to ask Beth. Would she understand? "He Bethie, did you have fun at the park today?"
Nodding, she said, "Park!"
"Yeah, you had lots of fun with Auntie Casey and Rachel huh?"
"Rashel play!"
"No, Rachel's in there, she can't play with you right now."
"Rashel!"
"She'll be back soon. I think." Casey felt like an idiot for doing this, but she was going to press the subject with a tiny little thing that could barely form full coherent sentences. "Did Rachel tell you about a baby?" She asked unaware of what or any response she'd get.
"Rashel baby!" She said as she tapped on her stomach.
Things weren't looking great, and when she saw Rachel come out all dazed and eyes slightly misted, it didn't give her any relief. Rachel just walked closer, arms wrapped tight around her frail body and got into the car. Casey immediately fastened Beth back into her seat and headed for the driver's side. Starting the car, she waited for Rachel to say something only to stay in silence. "Are you ok?" Casey broke the nothing that enveloped the car.
"Fine." Not fine, not fine at all for so many reasons…
The rest of the ride was filled with the noise of radio music and Casey's quick glances over to Rachel. What happened? What had the girl so upset? More and more things were pointing to the new theory, one given to her by a child. But her other theory stood too. She was conflicted on what to do. Where was Shelby when she was needed?
Finally arriving at the house, Casey took Beth and put her into the playpen while Rachel tried to rush off. "Hold on Rachel." Casey called.
"Ok." Rachel returned to the living room and sat on the couch trying to come up with an excuse to get out of there. She had been avoiding taking all day. She didn't want to start then. But she was honestly drawing a blank. She had absolutely no good reason to find her escape. She used everything already. And when Casey sat across from her, the look on her face made Rachel wish she had some good excuse. Something was going on. "What's going on Casey?"
"Rachel… I…" How to start it… How was she supposed to ask? Was it appropriate for her to ask? She didn't know proper aunt etiquette in this case. Things here weren't normal. So she decided to just blurt out the question. "Are you pregnant Rachel?"
"What?" She asked appalled that her aunt would even think that. It finally happened. The one person who she didn't feel looked completely down on her and wasn't extremely disappointed in her now was. As calmly as she could manage, she answered, "No." No… "I'm not." Anymore…
"You have been acting… strange. You don't eat or you eat everything and then run away to the bathroom. Something's going on. Talk to me sweetheart."
"Nothing's wrong. I'm fine. I'm fine and I'm not pregnant. I'm not pregnant! Nothing is wrong!" She got angry, repeating herself over and over, a sense of panic filling her body until she was gasping for breath and walking back and forth around the room.
"Oh god. Rachel." Casey tried to stop the younger girl's pacing. Standing directly in front of her, she put her hands on Rachel's shoulder's. "Look at me honey. Breathe. You're ok. Just breathe." It wasn't helping. Rachel was still panting and near tears. "In and out. You got it. Just breathe in and out." It took a lot of time and effort, but Casey got Rachel's breathing normal again. She still looked like she was seconds away from a nervous breakdown but she was breathing again. "I'm going to get you some water. Don't move." Where would she go? She wasn't together enough to make it anywhere. Returning, Casey uncapped the bottle and handed it to Rachel. "Here. Take small sips and don't forget to breathe."
"Thank you."
"Of course Rachel. I just want to help. But what was that? Was it about what I asked?"
"No. What you asked was ridiculous, unfathomable, and almost liable. I'm just…" Just what Rachel? "I'm just tired and thirsty. If you'll please excuse me, I must be getting some rest. I didn't sleep particularly well last night and I'm afraid it has caught up to me."
She rushed out of the room so fast she barely heard Casey call, "Wait Rachel! I just want to talk."
Casey heard the door slam shut. Rachel locked herself in her room and cried, again. She cried and cried until she actually fell asleep, again. Meanwhile Casey was thinking of what to do. What had she done? She didn't expect Rachel to react like that. Or maybe she did. She really didn't know. But she did know Rachel could be volatile. Knowing enough not to follow Rachel and hound her some more, Casey sighed heavily and plopped on the couch. Pulling out her phone she sent Shelby a text. When are you getting home? We need to finish our talk. ASAP. She received a response fairly quickly. Shelby was making it a late day so they had a few hours before Shelby would be back. That gave her some time to figure things out. What was she going to tell Shelby now? What were the most important things to get out? Did she leave out the clinic visit like Rachel made her promise? What to do… What to do…
Just a little while before Shelby would be returning, hours spent debating and rethinking the whole Rachel situation, Beth was getting sleepy. "Come on kiddo, naptime." There was something she knew she wouldn't get wrong. She may not have handled that right, but she didn't know what she did so wrong either. "Let's get you to bed." Carrying Beth up the stairs, they passed Rachel's room and Casey whispered, "Say night, night to Rachel."
"Rashel cry." Beth said stunning her aunt. There were barely audible muffled sounds from Rachel's room; sounds that were dying down as Rachel fell asleep.
"Rachel's sad, but we'll make her better. We'll try. But right now, it's bed time."
Lying Beth in the crib, Casey turned on the music box that Beth liked and went in search of a book. She found the book case dusty, practically cob webbed. Obviously Shelby preferred to sing rather than read. Those books hadn't been touched in some time. All except for one spot was dust ridden. She pulled out the one book that looked worn and used thinking it must've been Beth's favorite. But it wasn't…
Casey sensed something was wrong shortly after her first meeting with Rachel. One minute she was robotically perfect and very involved and then she'd be withdrawn. Her eating habits were off. She was sure she saw the napkin trick being used. She recognized it. She used it before. It was a terrible trick that she was ashamed to know. But all doubts about her observation skills and whether or not she was just seeing things were quelled. The proof was in her hands. She found it hidden in Beth's room, the initials R.B. and a gold star adorning the top of the purple notebook. It was definitely Rachel's, and it was definitely incriminating.
The question was…. Would she read it?
Hope the chapter was up to standard. I've been dealing with some medical issues. Still am, but I'm trying to keep up with my updates.
I apologize for any grammar and spelling errors. I hope you enjoyed this chapter. Until next time…
I want to say that I'm so grateful for all of the wonderful comments. Thank you to everyone who reviewed, favorited, and/or added this to their alerts. Don't be afraid to tell me what you think or if there's anything you'd like to see happen.