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Chapter 30: Immediate Action Required
Casey held the book in her hand and examined it. She wasn't sure what it was exactly, though she had her theories. Rachel's initials were on it, so she assumed it was her niece's, and it looked vaguely familiar; a lot like the journal she caught Rachel writing in occasionally. But then why would it be in Beth's room in the book shelf? If it was there, did it mean it was open for reading; privacy policy void?
She wasn't sure what to do. She so desperately wanted to get the insight into Rachel's life the notebook would provide, but she couldn't figure out if it would be worth it. They were slowly building a mutual understanding and trust between them. It was more on her side than Rachel's, but it was something. And she didn't want to ruin that progress. Reading the girl's private thoughts could've very well done just that. So again, she asked, was it worth it?
On the other hand, Rachel was floundering. Casey could tell she was teetering on right and wrong, living on the edge in this crazy whirlwind of feelings that she couldn't understand. There was so much under the surface that they didn't know but needed to know. If the thoughts written in the book she held would tell them what they needed to know, confirm what they thought so she could give Rachel the help she needed; then shouldn't she have read it?
She was so confused. That wasn't unusual when it came to raising teenagers, but the situation wasn't dealt with by every parent. Casey formulated two separate, yet very much possibly connected, ideas and she didn't quite know what to do. And the answer, or at least the evidence to point her in the right direction, was probably right there in her hand. But she thought about what she'd have done if her mother read her diary. She thought about what she did do when Shelby did… It wasn't pretty, but in the end she forgave her sister. And if she did read it, it was for a good cause. It was for Rachel's well being. That had to count for something. It wasn't like she was just going to read it to read it. There were reasons.
But did it? Things were much easier with her son. Safe sex talk, questions ask dad, she was there if he needed anything… He was easy. Was she that hard to figure out as a kid? Her poor parents. She pitied them. They had to raise two teenage girls. How horrible. No wonder they grayed so early in life. Thinking about them gave her an idea. She needed some advice. So she pulled out her phone, dialed the familiar number, and waited.
"Hi Mom, it's Casey. I need some advice."
"Tell me what's going on baby."
As Casey conversed with her mother, Rachel searched everywhere for her journal. Hours of the day were wasted crying and angry and upset, and she needed to stop. She was really trying to control what she was feeling, but she needed to get it out. She needed to write it down, purge the tainted-ness from her body like she wanted to do with the little food she consumed that day.
She could've sworn she hid it in its normal spot, but it wasn't there. Her memory was shot. She couldn't really remember anything. But she could've sworn it was there. Where was it? If it was gone, she'd literally have to kill herself. If her secrets got out, everything would be over. Her life would be over too; literally and figuratively.
She must've hidden it somewhere else; she convinced herself. But where? Where had she put it? Thinking about it was driving her crazy. If it was lost, she didn't know what she'd do. If anyone read it, her life would be over. Her secrets would be out. Her life wouldn't be worth living anymore. So she had to find it before that happened. No matter how depressed she was, knowing that she had the few things left to keep private, the few people that she still liked to spend a little time with… They were the only hopes in her life; the only reasons to keep going. So she couldn't let the words on those pages become public knowledge. She couldn't, and she wouldn't.
So where was it? When was the last time she saw it? Where was the last place she used it? She didn't have the answers. Or somewhere, in her drained, undernourished brain, the answer was there, but she couldn't access it. She couldn't do what she needed to do. What was wrong with her?
"Where is it? Where is it? Where is it?!" She hissed aloud to only herself in her hasty attempt to find her journal. She ripped through her room, tearing apart all her hiding places. Every nook, cranny, and crevice was inspected, torn apart, and void of what she sought.
By the time she was finished, she was worse off than when she started. Not only did she have to worry about where she left her journal, but the usually orderly room was completely destroyed. Her clothes were scattered; some clean, some dirty. Her back pack was emptied, the contents littered about the floor around the desk. Other things she had hidden, secrets locked away, were then exposed. Everything she did just made her life that much more of a mess.
She just needed to get out of there. She needed out of her room, out of the house, and out of her life. Her head needed clearing and her body needed movement, so she needed out. She left her room, locking the door behind her and went in search of Casey. She knew there would be some explaining to do. As good an actress as she claimed to be, she knew she didn't do a very good job covering up her emotions earlier that day, but if she played her cards right, she could get away without Casey asking one thing; at least without answering anything.
Casey was still in Beth's room when she heard the ruckus coming from Rachel's. There was banging and booming, like things were falling and being thrown around. Teenage acts of aggression, blowing off a little steam… She tried to assure herself that that was all it was. That she could deal with. That she didn't have to interfere with. And she didn't want to interfere if she didn't have to.
"Mom, thanks for listening and helping me out. I'll be sure to tell Shelby what to do. I love you and I'll call soon." She quickly hung up with Maggie and walked toward Rachel's door, the notebook still clutched tightly in her hand. There were grumbles and groans and mumbling through the door. Rachel was upset. Casey knew that, but she didn't know if the aggression was a good sign meaning she was letting whatever it was out, or if something was going on. When she heard an angry, "Where is it?" she knew that Rachel was searching for something, probably the thing she happened to find for her and she really didn't want to stand there and listen to it.
Deciding not to give it to Rachel just yet, unsure if she was going to read it or not, Casey just kept walking. Maybe the destruction would help Rachel work through things even if it wasn't intentional. It was something that, although she wanted to stop it, to just hug Rachel and make things better, she deemed it necessary. Until she knew exactly what was happening, she just need to let things play out.
Her mother gave some sound advice. Sure, she didn't know the not so hypothetical friend issue she posed was possibly about Rachel, but what she said made sense. But the truth was, she was still only speculating. She didn't really know what was going on. Beth told her Rachel was having a baby. It was possible, but how reliable was a toddler barely able to form sentences? It would explain the weird appetite and frequent bathroom visits, but not the weight loss. Granted, Casey only ever saw Rachel at her current weight, but she saw pictures Shelby had of her at some Glee competition early in high school and she was much fuller then; not fat, just fuller.
Casey also thought that, and she thought this after just a day with Rachel, she had some sort of eating disorder. Or at least she had the makings of one. She was either eating nothing at all, picking at or playing with her food, or she was eating everything and running to the bathroom right after. While she never caught the girl doing anything in there, and a part of her never wanted to follow her and find out, she had her suspicions. Why Shelby didn't notice all of this was beyond her. The point was that something was seriously wrong.
Her heart was breaking for the hurting child who stole her heart in just a few short days. If she was pregnant, she was struggling. She was lost and confused. That much Casey could see. But she was that before. A baby on top of that just made things more complicated. She didn't know if Rachel could handle that. Maybe Shelby should've had that sex talk with her when she first moved in. Casey doubted Shelby even suspected Rachel was having sex, especially since she was so opposed to her nearly seventeen year old daughter dating. But she wasn't jumping to conclusions. It was possible that there was no baby. Rachel could still be a virgin. She didn't know, but she needed to. If there was a baby, and that was what the clinic visit was about, there were two reasons for Rachel, who had insurance and a primary care doctor, to go there. Abortion or prenatal care that the person didn't want others to know about… Casey wasn't sure which scared her more; healthcare that wasn't from someone trained in the field, someone who Rachel would be comfortable with and confide in, or the possibility that she was so scared and so alone that she decided she couldn't handle it, that she had to get rid of the baby.
Casey was by no means a strict conservative. Politics weren't her thing. Her stand on abortion was that women had the right to chose. Their body, their choice. But this was her own flesh and blood. She didn't want to think of Rachel all alone in that room having a procedure she probably wasn't sure about and losing a piece of herself in the process. The only way to help her with that was to be there, and Rachel wasn't very accepting of comfort. And if there was still a baby, she needed to remind her niece that, Shelby's reaction aside because she was sure her sister wouldn't take that well, she'd always be there. She'd support her and help her anyway she could; whatever way Rachel allowed.
Her thoughts were everywhere, scattered much like she assumed Rachel's were. If she was feeling all that, she couldn't imagine what was whirling around that teenaged brain. Whatever was going on, whatever the scenario, they needed to know. They needed to help her. To do that, they needed to know exactly what was happening and to what extent. Because of that, she decided to read the book. Maybe it was wrong. Maybe it wasn't but it was something she felt necessary.
Hidden away in the room she currently called hers, Casey sank onto the office couch with the journal still pressed in her hands debating her next move. No, that wasn't true. She knew what she was going to do. There was no doubt in her mind that she would open it up and read as much as she could. Yet, she found herself in a battle of morals. Do it or don't? Was it right or not? Was it an invasion of privacy? Would Rachel forgive her if she ever found out?
Regardless, she had to do it. It was more than a compulsion to know. It was her quest for truth and answers; her trying to help someone she cared about. So without further qualms, she opened it up. The first page was just a name page. In big, bold letters it said, "RACHEL BERRY." Stars of many colors adorned the rest of it with a few hand drawn music notes for good measure. It was so colorful and inviting that it almost looked like it was going to hold a bunch of sunshine and roses; happy thoughts of a happy kid. But Casey knew better. She doubted she'd find much of that. She was even surer as she flipped through some of the pages. Some of them just looked angry or sad. It wasn't the happy writings of a well balanced child. It was the manifesto of a troubled teen. And she chose to read it. The first page she stopped to read was toward the beginning, dated when her fathers were still alive.
Dads left again… AGAIN… I shouldn't expect anything else. They've been doing this for years, but it still hurts. Can't they just love me more than their vacations or their so called "work."? Why am I never worth it? Why can't someone just choose me for once? …
"Casey?" She heard accompanied by a light tap on the door.
Scrambling to keep her page and hide the book at the same time, Casey responded, "Uh… uh… Come, come in Rachel." She may have looked suspicious, one hand hidden under a pillow holding the book open to the same page and hidden from her niece's curious view. But Rachel wouldn't question it, not openly. That would require prolonged talking, and Rachel really didn't initiate that. So Casey would just have to deal with the questioning gazes that she knew Rachel would give.
The door opened and Rachel stepped in. "Can you take me to my dance class?" She asked as she fidgeted. She looked like a meth head coming down from a high looking for the next score. Something was definitely going on. With everything she saw, she was just collecting further evidence.
"I thought you didn't have class this week."
"It's optional because so many of the dancers go on vacation with their families, but I've already taken so much time off and I asked Renee if she was there and if I could come and she said she'd be happy to dance with me. Some one on one time as we get closer to the recital is just what we need." Rachel explained.
"Are you sure this is a good idea?" Casey asked hesitantly. She took her niece to a clinic that day. And while she still wasn't certain the nature of the visit, if she was pregnant or had an abortion or whatever health issue it might've been, she didn't think dancing was the best idea, especially when Rachel seemed like she'd take it to an extreme.
Curious and a little confused, Rachel asked, "Why wouldn't it be a good idea?" She was questioning herself and what Casey knew. Did she leave clues? Was the question about the visit that day? Did she know more than she let on? Was the veil slipping and the truth slipping out? That was a thought she didn't wish to ponder.
"Well…" How did she phrase what she wanted said? She didn't want to say too much or too little and she wasn't ready to give what she may or may not have known away. So what did she say? "You went to the clinic today." Point of fact…
Rachel's head snapped. They weren't supposed to talk about that. "I thought we agreed not to bring that up." Moreover, she didn't want that brought up. She didn't even like that Casey knew she ever stepped foot in that clinic, never mind her ever finding out why.
"You asked that I don't ask any questions and not tell your mother. I didn't do either of those. I wish you would talk to me; tell me what's going on. But right now, I'm not going to pressure you. I'm here for you Rachel, however you need me, I'm here. But I need to know that you're ok enough to go to dance and be alright. I can't take you without knowing that much and I am trusting you to be honest with me." Rachel was slightly bothered by the concern on Casey's face. She definitely knew more than Rachel told her. She even looked a bit guilty, but Rachel would give a little. Though, she didn't believe in that blind trust Casey seemed to be handing her. Why would she do that?
The doctor told her to rest and take it easy for a few days, and she kind of did that. Maybe a little, for a few hours at least… That meant she wasn't lying when she answered; she didn't want to totally screw up that trust. "Everything's fine. Nothing will happen when I go." Because walking there or getting a ride, she was going. "I assure you that I'm fine."
"Are you positive?"
"One hundred percent." Casey was skeptical, but accepting. She was going to continue to give Rachel that trust and hope it would be returned eventually.
"Ok, what time do you need to be there?"
"Seven works." It was 6:30. They got home in early afternoon. Rachel stayed in her room for a good three or so hours. Beth's schedule was out of whack so she was taking a late nap which meant Shelby wouldn't be happy when she didn't sleep later that night. And while thinking of Beth she couldn't help but hope that the little girl didn't spill the possible baby beans to her sister. That wouldn't be a good thing; not in the slightest. There was a lot wrong with their dysfunctional family.
"Let me see what Shelby says and if she's says ok we'll go."
Not happy she responded, "Fine. I'm going to go get changed." And she was going to attempt to start on the mess that was her humble abode. Not likely much would come of it, but she needed something to occupy her hands in wait. Idle hands were the devil's play thing. Or, in her case, they were the path to self destruction; a path to an addiction she craved to feed but did her best to stay away from. She wasn't doing so hot. That was why she needed out of the house.
Casey heard Rachel head back upstairs and pulled the journal out of hiding. Grabbing her cell she quickly told, not asked, Shelby what she was doing and turned her attention back to the writing. However, she was just finished rereading the little she already read when she received a reply. Ok. If she wants to go it's fine. Put some food in her bag and I'll be home by the time she's done. "Of course, you decide to come back after all the drama and craziness." She may have been talking to herself, but she was talking to Shelby. She was always an avoider. If she knew something wouldn't end in her favor, she avoided it or had someone do the dirty work. That wouldn't work with Rachel. She needed to get knee deep in the issues and pull Rachel out of the abyss.
Even knowing Rachel was waiting and she had to get Beth up, Casey was reluctant to move. She wanted to keep reading. She needed to keep reading. Her finger kept itching to open it and flip the pages. "No, no you can't." She insisted as she threw the purple journal in her purse and left the room before she changed her mind. "Rachel." She called. "Rachel, I'm going to get Beth and we'll go. Be ready." She wasn't looking where she was walking, but as soon as she got to the stairs, she saw Rachel there waiting, surprisingly with Beth.
Rachel did look a little uncomfortable with her though. It was like she was holding a contaminated substance she didn't want to come in contact with her body. She held Beth away from her so they were touching just enough to know the baby wouldn't fall off her lap and she swore she saw Rachel turn away every time Beth looked at her. Everything Rachel did just further proved what Casey already knew and made it that much more confusing at the same time. "We're both ready." Rachel said as she stood from the stairs and, as quickly as she could, passed her sister to their aunt. "I'll be in the car."
"What are we going to do with her Beth?" Casey asked as Rachel ran from them and slammed the door on her way out. Beth's only response was a little laugh as Casey tickled her belly. "Let's go before she pulls a Shelby and beeps the horn over and over until we leave."
As they began to drive in silence, Casey decided she wanted to say something. The earlier outbursts, the tears, the feelings, and the theories… It was all too much and she knew it had to be worse for Rachel. So, it was only right that she said something, anything. "Rachel, about earlier…" That caught the girl's attention.
"What about it?" She was uncomfortable again. All she wanted was to forget. She wanted to pretend it never happened. There was no baby and no miscarriage. It never happened, but how could she forget if everything just reminded her. She shifted in her seat gingerly looking to Casey. "Why are we talking about this?"
"I've said this before, but I need you to hear it again. I'm here for you, whatever's going on. I don't know what your life was like before you moved in with Shelby and I only know what I learned in the short time we've known each other, but you are my family. I love you like family should. When things get rough, I'm not going to leave you." Rachel turned away. Casey could see the words were affecting her. The more she spoke, the more Rachel shied away. "I can't begin to understand losing a parent or both and being thrown to a mother you barely know." That was a kind way of saying it. Casey was ashamed to admit it, but her sister denied the girl. Maybe it was a coping mechanism, but it was the truth. "Both my parents are still alive and, even as an adult, I don't know how I'd handle their loss. But you're handling it so well. I'm so proud of you." Casey took her free hand and rested it on top of Rachel's. With a quick glance, she could see the girl cringed at the words, but at least she didn't flinch at her touch. Proud? How could Casey be proud? And how could she let Casey be proud? She didn't know what was done, what she did, what she was doing. She wouldn't have been proud if she did. "And obviously you're going through something pretty serious, but I won't judge you. Whatever you tell me, I won't judge."
The words were sweet, touching, but Rachel wasn't responding to them. She didn't feel she deserved the kindness her aunt offered. The acceptance she knew she didn't deserve. So if she didn't deserve it, how come Casey kept offering it? Over and over she'd offer support and acceptance, why? Rachel could feel that she was sincere, but for some reason, her only response was a stubborn comeback that wasn't even a comeback as much as a brush off. "Yeah. Right. Sure. Whatever."
"I know it's hard to believe because you don't really know me, but I will always be here. You're stuck with me now and forever." She looked to Rachel as they sat at the red light right before the turn into the studio parking lot. "And I want to say that I'm sorry about earlier."
"What are you sorry about?" She was quick to question.
"I'm sorry that I offended you. I was just worried about you and it was possible I jumped to conclusions." Or, that Rachel was in denial. There were many possibilities."I'm sorry if I hurt you. That wasn't my intention at all." Casey concluded as they pulled into park.
"So what? No you don't think I'm some teenaged slut who likes to sleep around and get knocked up in high school?" The words came out bitter and angry, but, in so many ways, that was how she saw herself. That was why it came out like it did. That was why she jumped out of the car, slammed the door, and stomped into dance class leaving a stumped Casey behind.
Rachel marched into the studio a little heated and a little worse for wear. The doctor said a few days of little more than bed rest. But what did he know? He didn't know her body or what she could handle. She would be fine. She needed to be fine both physically and mentally whether she really was or not.
"Hey Rachel. It's good to see you again. I'm glad you could come in today."
"Thanks Madame Renee. I'm glad to be here." She returned an innocent smile and stripped her sweats off her body. Her dance skirt was over it, the leotard and tights under it and changed her shoes. There was no need for the locker room that day.
"Rach, I think it's time you dropped the formalities. I've known you for a long time. No more Madame ok? Just Renee."
"Ok." She blushed. It was just another thing she did wrong. "Is it just us today?"
"A few people came by earlier, but right now it's just us. We'll have some one on one time. It'll be good. We can work on that jump that was giving you trouble." And another fault was pointed out…
"Great, let me just get warmed up." Renee agreed and joined Rachel at the bar to stretch out and warm up their muscles.
Together, they'd run through her solo a few dozen times and work on a few segments of the first act. Rachel overworked her body and pushed it to limits it wasn't ready to surpass after such an internal trauma, but it gave her that high she was searching for; unwittingly of course, but it still gave her that high she craved. And even though she gave a flawless performance as Renee told her, she still felt so far from it. She still felt dirty and used and disgusting and terrible and so imperfect that the realm of ok didn't even seem a possibility. And she just kept dancing, hoping beyond hope that the feelings would change because she didn't know how long she could withstand them.
Back at the house, Casey and Beth were lounging around. After getting Beth's dinner settled and setting aside some of the pasta she made for Rachel and Shelby, she went back to the journal. It still felt wrong to read, but so, so right as well. "What do you say Beth? Are you going to be a good girl while Auntie Casey invades Rachel's privacy?"
"CayCay!" She said while giggling. That was her name for Casey. It was close enough.
"I knew you would, because you're always a good girl, aren't you?" Opening the book back to that page, she began reading from the same spot.
… They always leave. I just want them to be here again. It's just trip after trip and me all by myself. What did I do wrong? Why don't they love me like they used to? Am I that repulsive that they can't stand to be around me? I don't understand. I really don't.
They are who I want to come home to… My parents… My dads… But I don't even have that anymore. I have myself and no one else. When I come home the house is empty. When I go to bed, I say goodnight to myself. There's no one to turn to anymore. I have no friends, no family, no mom, and apparently no dads. I have no one. I'm just that much of a loser. All three of my parents can't stand to be around me.
She couldn't read any more of that page as a pain filled her chest. Hoping to find something, anything lighter, she skipped around to find another that called to her.
I saw Shelby today. She didn't see me though. I'm glad she didn't. I saw her with Beth. I saw her with my replacement. I wasn't good enough for her. I just wasn't enough for her so she went out and got a newer, better version. Of course it had to be a baby that came from a torrid affair between my tormentor and a guy I almost lost myself in. That week was a good week and I don't remember any other good weeks since.
If Quinn didn't take enough from me by taking everyone I care about, Finn and Noah… half the glee club loves her more… Of course they do, they all hate me. Well if that wasn't enough she had to give her perfect little spawn to a woman who basically said she couldn't love me. I wasn't what she wanted. But Beth was. I guess that makes sense. Nobody loves me. Everyone wants the best and that was what came of a one night stand between one Noah Puckerman and the likes of Quinn Fabray. You get perfection… You get everything I'm not… She'll no doubt turn out to be beautiful and talented. She'll surpass my looks more than she already has and she'll beat my talent by the time she's able to talk.
And where does that leave me? Alone… Loveless… Motherless… I'm so glad she didn't see me. I couldn't handle more rejection from her. I didn't want to see the disgusted look on her face when she saw me; the same look that I have every time I look in the mirror. I couldn't stand it if I did. She doesn't want me. I don't need her to make me feel any worse than I already do. I have enough things to haunt me.
She had enough of that passage to. She didn't know the hurt her sister caused, but it was clear that there was some deep seeded insecurity where Shelby was concerned. That was further proved the more she read. Whatever the girl did, she was worried it would be wrong and Shelby would leave her again. She was worried about disappointing everyone more than she already had. What had her sister done to the poor kid? If she was only there, things would've been different. Pushing the sadness and empathy she was already feeling, she read on.
There were pages and pages of lists; lists of names she had been called or names she called herself. That was how she saw herself; useless, ugly, worthless, a failure. The list went on and on. She was both disturbed and angry to see that written. Her niece was perfect. She was none of what she thought. Her heart was breaking, shattering in the pain she felt for her niece. That pain in her chest was just radiating, spreading like a wildfire.
And her heart nearly fell from her chest as she read one simple sentence.
Ms. Pillsbury caught me trying to make myself throw up today, but I managed to convince her it wasn't possible… no gag reflex…
It got worse from there.
That wasn't the first time I did it. It was the first time I dared to try it in school. I only did it a few times before. But I had to. I ate too much and I was getting so fat. What else was I supposed to do? Exercise wasn't enough. Nothing was enough. But I only did it a few times, a few dozen maybe. I preferred just not eating. It wasn't like anyone was there to catch me and it wasn't a problem, so every once in a while, a little purging wasn't such a bad thing. Who would it hurt? No one… And I never thought I'd do it at school. I promised myself I'd only do it at home when I ate way too much, but I couldn't help it.
I walked into the bathroom and heard someone else doing what I did. And I had to do it too. It was like a sign telling me it was ok. A sign was telling me to go for it; that I wasn't the only one, and I knew it needed to be done. I needed to do it. I craved it. It was like the first time all over again. I felt amazing. It was perfect. And I knew then, that I'd do it again. I had to, but it was good. I needed it. I was getting too fat for my own good. Thin was better. I need to be thin to dance and to be featured in glee. I need to be thinner to be happy. I just need to be thin…
Again, her heart broke the more she read. She was delving deeper and deeper into the psychosis and none of it was looking good. The illness was something that had been building for years. And no one noticed. It almost made her believe that Rachel truly was alone and she didn't like it. She skipped a bunch of pages after getting deeper and deeper into the disturbing thoughts and she didn't want to read the intimate details about losing her virginity. That was something she could only tolerate if Rachel wanted to talk to her face to face. Then she'd listen because that was what people did for those they care about. No matter how bad it ached, her heart swelled when she landed on another random page. There was a paragraph about her.
I met Shelby's sister too. I guess that makes her my aunt Casey. She seems nice. She's everything I wish Shelby was. For the first time, it felt like she wasn't seeing me as Shelby's daughter, someone she was obligated to talk to and get to know, but as my own person. Even if that person wasn't so fantastic, she saw Rachel. She left me alone when she thought I needed her to. She tried to get to know me like she really wanted to know. I really wanted to get to know her too. But I'd only disappoint her. She's too nice to me for me to allow that. I can't let her in. I won't. Eventually she'll leave and I'll be broken again. I can't be anymore broken…
Life was cruel to her niece. The bullying seemed to be a never ending cycle. The people around her seemed to torment her or get her to love them and then disappear. Slushies? Who did that? It wasn't fair. How much could one person handle? If she got all that bad from less than twenty pages of the hundred or so that were there, she was scared to see what the rest held. She was literally afraid.
On one of the last pages that had writing, she found yet another answer. It wasn't the answer she wanted to find. She may have needed to know, but she was hoping it wasn't true. There was confirmation for an eating disorder; no doubt. But pregnancy too? She just wanted to drag her niece out of that dance studio and squeeze her. She wanted to hold her and tell her everything was going to be ok. It was no wonder she broke down. She needed to break down or she'd explode.
The doctor told me I was pregnant. There was a baby inside me. And now it's gone. I did this to myself. And I killed my baby. I'm a monster. I'm a monster! I'M A MONSTER! What did I do? What did I do to deserve all of this? Can the world really hate me that much?
"Are you crying?" Shelby scared the crap out of Casey. She didn't even hear the door or her sister approaching, nor did she realize the utter wetness that had taken over her face. "Oh god, did something happen? Is it Beth? Are you ok? Is it Rachel?"
"There's definitely something wrong, but not with me and not with Beth."
"Then who?"
"With Rachel Shell. There's something seriously wrong with her."
"There's nothing wrong with my daughter." Shelby insisted.
"Nothing wrong? Nothing wrong?! Shelby… I'm pretty sure I took your daughter to have an abortion." She didn't mean to say it. She wanted to keep the thought to herself, but it just came out. It slipped from her mouth and the moment it did, she regretted it. Her hand immediately went to her mouth like covering it up would make it go back in there. It was in the heat of the moment and not her secret to tell. She wasn't even sure if it was an abortion. Rachel could've been so messed up that she thought the baby dying was her fault. She didn't know, but it didn't matter. It was out there then and there was no taking it back.
"What?!" Her voice couldn't go any higher. "You did what?!"
"Shelby, keep your voice down. Let's talk. We need to talk."
"No, no more talking about anything else. I just need to know what you meant. How can she have an abortion if she has never had sex?"
"She's not a baby Shelby. It's plausible to think she had sex before."
"Well I choose to believe that she hasn't." Casey knew better. She read Rachel's words. She read the truth. Rachel's virginity was gone. No amount of denial would repair that.
"Then you're ignoring a huge piece of her life. You're her mother. She needs you to talk to her about this stuff."
"I've tried. She doesn't want to talk to me about the weather never mind things like that." Shelby was ignoring the idea of abortion. Rachel wouldn't do that. She wouldn't have sex, and without sex, there was no baby... That was the way of her mind.
"It shouldn't matter if she wants to or not!" She was getting heated. "All that matters is that you do it. She's struggling and she feels alone. She shouldn't feel that when you're right here and you're capable of being everything she needs. You're her mother. You need to be her mother!"
"I am being her mother! I do everything I can for her. I do everything she allows me to do and she still hates me. Do you not understand how hard it is to have someone you love so much hate you as much as she hates me? It's hard."
"If it's hard on you, imagine how hard things are on her."
At first Shelby was speechless. She didn't know what to say. She was just drowning in self pity, and Casey was seconds away from punching some sense into her. But she was more tactful than that. She'd simply enter her hands into the water and pull Shelby to the surface of that self pity so she could breathe again. She'd be the life raft.
"I think she has an eating disorder. No, I know she does." There was no more dancing around it. They did enough of that. She just needed to say it. The baby matter could be put on hold. It was emotionally scarring, yes, but it was "taken care of." The eating disorder wasn't.
"That's not true. The doctor said she was just too active. She needs to eat more to do all that she does." Shelby was in denial.
"I don't know what your problem is, but we have to do something Shelby. We can't ignore it. She's slowly killing herself…"
"No she is not!" Shelby interrupted.
"She is slowly killing herself, living in this world of hurt, drowning with no life boat. And we're just sitting around. We have to do something now… I… I don't think this is a problem that's going to go away on its own. We have to help her."
"I think you're reading too much into this. One breakdown that was months in the making doesn't mean she needs help. I just need to get her to talk to me. I need to get her to open up."
"That's not enough. Why can't you see it? She's as thin as a rail. My left foot weighs more than she does. I've heard the elliptical several times since I got here. She dances so much and pushes herself so hard, but she eats nothing. And she makes herself throw up when she does!"
"No she doesn't! I never saw that."
"She does Shelby. She's sick. And she needs our help."
"Maybe you're exaggerating. You have to be. She wouldn't do that."
"How do you know what she'd do? You don't really know her at all. She shows you what she wants you to see and nothing else. If we don't help her, if we don't get her help… These problems are going to eat away at her and there'll be nothing more to save."
"That's not true. Don't say that. How do you even know any of this? Did she tell you?"
"She didn't have to tell me Shelby. The moment I met her, I knew something was wrong. Something just wasn't right. It just took me a little while to figure out what it was. Now I know and I don't know what to do about it."
"I don't know what to do either. I don't believe any of this. It can't be true. It can't be."
"It is, and the sooner you accept that, the better it is for Rachel."
"How am I supposed to accept this?"
"You do or she can die."
"She's not going to die." She was freaking out a little. "How do you know any of this? What are we even supposed to do if it is true?"
Casey stood from the table and walked closer to Shelby. Shelby just wasn't getting it. To her it was still a what if, but to Casey it was a fact. She knew they needed to do something soon, because if they didn't, there was a good chance there'd be no coming back from it. Rachel was in dire need of help; of Casey's and Shelby's and all her friends. Immediate action required…
"Read this Shelby." Before leaving the room, Casey placed Rachel's journal down on the counter where Shelby was leaning. "Read this." She repeated. It was the only thing she could think to do to convince Shelby. So she left the journal with her sister as she went to pick up her niece.
I apologize for any grammar and spelling errors. I hope you enjoyed this chapter. Until next time…
I want to say that I'm so grateful for all of the wonderful comments. Thank you to everyone who reviewed, favorited, and/or added this to their alerts. Don't be afraid to tell me what you think or if there's anything you'd like to see happen.
Guests Since you don't have names, I'm going to combine this into one response. Thank you for taking the time to review. Signed or not it's very much appreciated. I wish my updates were faster too. I'm sorry that they're not always timely, but I write between 5 and 15000 words per chapter for both my current stories and have a life to live, so I'm doing my best. And I like to edit as much as possible and make sure I produce something of value. No one wants to read crap. I hope you stick with me. Thank you for wishing me a happy birthday and wishing me well. I'll do my best to be faster. I hope you continue to enjoy the story and keep telling me what you think.
crayolakid0413 I love to play with emotion and I do my best to make it as realistic as possible. So thank you and I'm glad you're enjoying my story. The tipping point is coming. I have a few ideas and I'm just trying to decide which I want to use. Once I figure that out, well… you shall see.
ilovekc I'm glad you liked the chapter. More to come that I hope you'll enjoy as well. No need to buy me a muse I work for free and I work hard. Sorry that it took so long. I'm doing the best I can. Story is not done! There's still so much to tell.
UmPaDee I enjoy the occasional cliffhanger. Rachel does have some bad luck in this story. I wasn't going to do the baby thing, but it will play a part in what's to come. Puck will be involved, so look out for that. I like the character of Shelby, don't like what they did with her on the show. But what seems painfully obvious to the readers isn't always obvious to the characters. Shelby's in this semi denial where she is too close to the situation. She doesn't see it because she doesn't want to. She has her part in the reveal too.
kitaleigh Shelby's eyes will be opened and things will become clear to her. She's struggling in her own way. And Puck will come into things more I think.
sillystarshine I'm happy you liked the chapter. I like Casey and I'm excited that the readers have responded well to her. Shelby's doubting herself and her abilities with Rachel and Casey is taking over that role. She's going to help Shelby get her act together and see what she needs to see.
xxTeardropKisses Thank you for taking the time to review now; they're always appreciated. The secret is coming out, slowly, but it's being revealed, and once it is, things will move along quick. I love Puck and I wanted to write more of him, but this is a very Rachel centric story and I want to keep it that way. Shelby will get better with Rachel. Right now she wants to believe everything is fine. I want this to be as realistic and true as possible. There is more than one problem with Rachel and while they are mostly connected in some way, they will all be addressed eventually. I hope you continue to enjoy the story.
StBerry Lover24 Things will be learned. The journal is just a stepping stone to what's to come. I'll try to update as often as I can. Hope you enjoy the next chapter.
seacat03 Casey's role is to be everything Shelby can't so she's important. She'll be a driving force in this story. And I'm happy that you enjoyed the Beth part. I was trying to come up with some creative way and I also wanted some Beth time, so I thought that was a good idea. It's like getting info from an unreliable source. It could be true, but you don't know. I think it was the best way.
Vienna98 Thank you for wishing me well. I'm doing better. I'm glad you liked the chapter, hope the next one's are up to par, and thank you for the review.
CarolineSC Intensity is my middle name. Kidding. I like a slow build. It makes things more realistic and when things happen they tend to be explosive episodes. So look for more drama and angst and emotion to come.
sweetheart22 It is a sad story, but there will be some happy moments before it's over. I try to add a little Rachel Beth time or a few other moments of levity in between all the drama. But I do better with the sad angsty stuff.