Affliction

by Doodle19

Everybody has problems and everbody chooses to deal with them in their own way. So when the world around Rachel and the walls she put up come crashing down, how will she deal? And will anybody be there to help her survive? Rating subject to change.

31. Actions of Consequence

I do not own Glee, I only play with the characters and create others to play along.

Possibly triggering…

Chapter 31: Actions of Consequence

When Casey returned with a tired and weak looking Rachel, Shelby was still in the kitchen, sitting in the seat Casey previously sat, staring at the untouched journal. "What are you doing?" Casey hissed. "Do you want Rachel to see that? I don't know about you but I don't want her to hate me for reading something I was never meant to see. So do me a favor and put it somewhere she won't see at least." Shelby said nothing, just continued to stare. The silence seemed to worry Casey. "Shelby?" Again, she said nothing. "Shelby, what the hell is wrong with you?" Her sister looked to be in a trance that Casey literally had to shake her out of.

"I can't." She said quietly.

"Can't what?"

"I can't read it."

"Why not?"

"I'm her mother. I shouldn't have to rely on reading her private thoughts to get in her head. I should just know…" There was more. Casey knew there was more. "And… And I don't know if I want to know it all. If she… If she hates me, I don't want it confirmed on paper."

"Shelby…"

"No!" She quickly halted Casey's words as she stood and pushed the notebook to Casey's chest. "Take it. Do what you want with it. Give it back to her. Hide it… Whatever. Just get it away from me."

As Shelby walked away Casey said, "Not reading it doesn't change what she feels. It doesn't change what's right in front of us. There's something wrong with her… A serious issue that avoiding won't make go away. Read it or not, you're going to have to face the facts eventually." She nearly pushed her sister out of the way as she walked by her, turning to face her one last time. "I just hope you aren't too late. Good night Shelby."

Shelby didn't move from that spot. So many different things were going through her mind. She wanted to read everything. She wanted to be in Rachel's head and understand what was going on, but she so afraid to see the truth. For just one last night, she wanted to stay oblivious. She had to keep that blind eye for just one more day before reality took over and she'd have to face the facts. She still wasn't clear on what facts she would be facing though.

And Casey didn't know what else to do to get Shelby there. She needed to see the destruction her choices left in their wake. She needed to see the torment her daughter had endured. She needed to see the pain and sadness. There was so much to see and she was blind to it all. Her sister was under the impression that once a baby grows up it doesn't need its mother anymore, when the fact is that couldn't be more wrong. As children grew older they became more independent, but they still depended on their parents for support and comfort. Those were two things Rachel needed more than anything. If Shelby couldn't see that, Rachel deserved better and Shelby needed a little lesson on raising kids. Maybe, at the end of the day, not having a relationship with Rachel when they met was for the best. Imagine what other damage could've been done…

That night, everyone was in there respective rooms. Beth was soundly asleep. Rachel was wide awake, still searching for her lost words, continuing to tear her room apart without thought of putting it back together. Shelby laid in the darkness asking the silence for answers; her thoughts drifting. She wished she could turn back time, make things right, do whatever to fix the way things were; things she had yet to figure out and still didn't want to see. And that left Casey. She could hear Rachel moving around above her like she was pacing back and forth. She had no idea what Rachel was really doing, but that really wasn't her focus.

Rachel, however, was on her mind. What was she supposed to do? Body issues, eating disorders… It wasn't something she worried about with her son. He played sports. He ate everything. There was no problem there. And, while she had her own body issues as a teen, it was nowhere near the extent of Rachel's and there she was, on the outside seeing it from a whole new perspective. How was she supposed to handle it? And how was she supposed to get Shelby to acknowledge it? That was probably the first obstacle she should face. If Shelby saw what she saw, they'd be able to help Rachel together. If Shelby saw the happiness she wanted to see, it would be Corcoran vs. Corcoran and neither would win. But she had to do something.

The anxiety over the journal was eating at her though. She shouldn't have read it. That much she knew. It was an invasion, but she didn't regret it. She needed the confirmation and she got it. And, while it was the wrong way to get what she needed, in that situation, the ends justified the means. She just didn't want to ruin her tenuous relationship with her niece. And maybe she already had. If Rachel found out about her little reading assignment, she had no doubt it would be strained, but even if Rachel hated her, if she helped her, if Rachel was ok in the end, none of that mattered. She'd be sad of course, but if Rachel was alive and well, she always had the chance to repair the damage. So she'd take whatever came her way as long as it helped Rachel.

Coming up with something to get Shelby to the truth, Casey began in on the journal again. She wouldn't read anything new. She learned what she needed to learn and that was enough. There'd be no more violating personal space. But she went over and over the same pages committing each word to memory, searing it in her brain. Why? She didn't know. Maybe she just needed it with her, but she did it. And on the pages she knew Shelby needed to read, she stuck a little sticky note on them. She was going to get her sister to see. She didn't care how she did it, but she was going to do it and together, they'd get Rachel through.

Casey stayed up for a few hours doing that; stayed up until she couldn't keep her eyes open, and even then, she could still make out the faint sounds of Rachel moving about. What was she doing? It really didn't matter as the thoughts became nothing but a blur and Casey fell asleep.

Upstairs, Rachel was done looking through everything. She gave up on the room. It wasn't there. Drawers were emptied. The closet was torn apart. Shelves were deshelved. Hiding spots were exposed. Her room was a complete mess. It was hard to even see the floor. And she stayed up well into the early morning to remedy that. If her mind was a mess, her room had to be clean. It didn't make sense, but it was something she always did. Cleaning wasn't exactly cathartic, but the order gave her some peace and, when she didn't have much to begin with, she'd take it wherever she could get it. By 4 in the morning, everything was back in its rightful place and the floor could be seen again. The work was done, but she was beyond exhausted. She couldn't understand why.

She hadn't done anything. Dance didn't count as exercise; not really, though she danced twice as hard for twice as long just to get things right. She had been eating, or taking bites and playing with the rest out of habit. But wasn't that still supposed to give her energy? She couldn't understand why she was so exhausted all the time. It was more than just her body healing from the miscarriage. It was more than physical fatigue. It was her missing her addiction and her not realizing she was already feeding it. All she could think was that if she was going to feel worse without it, she might as well feel great with it… Who was she helping by not cutting and not throwing up anyway? Her? No, because she felt like crap all the time and she only felt worse without it. Shelby? No, because really, what did she care? Her friends? What friends? Casey… Maybe Casey. She seemed to care. And that was unimaginable in and of itself.

Then, as if it were a sign to just give in, a shiny new razor fell from its hiding place. She must have jostled it when she was ransacking the room. Glinting in the light from outside and the dim glow of her lamp, it called to her. It screamed to her, enticed her, "We're here for you Rachel. We never did anything wrong. Why'd you turn your back on us?" In her head, she was literally hearing a voice that she attached to the inanimate object. "We didn't cause it. You killed your baby. Not us… You did that all on your own. We're your friends… Your only friends… Use us. Use us… You know you want to." God, did she want to…"Do it." It was chanting. "Do it Rachel." She wanted to so bad. It was just telling her what she knew. Her issues, as she has come to call them not necessarily meaning they were bad, didn't cause her problems. They just helped her through them. So who was she to turn her back on the only true friends she had ever had. The purging and the cutting were the only things that got her through those moments were she felt so alone that the world could swallow her right into a sink hole and no one would notice. They were her constant. And, while she tried to deny, to distract herself… And it worked for a very short time because she had so much else to deal with that she just didn't deal with anything and it consumed her. She didn't have time to obsess about what she was missing or feel what she craved. But she did then. And it felt reasonable. Everything else was bad in her life. It was one bad thing after another, accumulating like sewage and trash in a landfill, slowly polluting the earth. Why would she stop the one good thing in her life? Why should she deny herself a rare pleasure when her world was on the brink of collapse anyway? Her life was on the line; her dirtiest of secrets floating around somewhere out there for anyone to read… Why shouldn't she just be happy for a moment before the fall?

They got her through. They made her one cohesive human being that could actually function. Without it, she was nothing. With it, she was still nothing, but at least she wasn't so alone. She needed to not feel alone. She must have spent another few hours sitting there, staring at it like it was an object in a museum to be pondered. Without even realizing it, she stood, picked up the razor, and walked into the bathroom.

Maybe it was the fatigue or maybe it was the emotions that crept up on her, but she didn't remember doing it. She didn't remember dragging the razor deep into the flesh of her wrist, over the healing cut that was already there, or tossing it into the sink, away from her. She didn't even know she was in the bathroom until she felt the warm drip from her wrist. Dark, thick, warm, crimson caressed her arm as it moved like a ballerina during the climax of the show; perfectly in sync and beautifully rendered, the blood drained from her body.

She didn't even make a move to stop it; not at first. She just let the calm she missed wash over her. She let everything she craved consume her and bring her to that moment where the world was still… Her problems gone… The sadness absent… The heartbreak repaired… For the few short minutes the world was whitewashed and she was living in a clean slate. Nothing mattered and no one mattered. It was just her and a sense of happiness she never really knew.

It was like the first time all over again… Perfect…

When she finally got around to cleaning it up and bandaging it, she felt a new type of tired take over. It wasn't that restless need that consumed her. It was simply a tired calm. She went to bed at nearly 6:30 in the morning with a small smile on her face and no thoughts in her head. It was just what she needed; exactly what the doctor called for.

Unfortunately tough, the sleep didn't last long. She lay unmoving as she listened to the mumbling and footsteps just outside her door. Casey and Shelby and probably Beth too. It was like they were having a family get together and they picked just outside her door to have it. Great location when the person behind said door was finally getting sleep when she hadn't slept in what felt like years…

They were gathered outside the door. It was Casey's last day there and Shelby wanted them all to spend the day together. Rachel was usually up by then. It was after nine and a part of her worried that Rachel had yet to come out, especially when she got out of bed early just to spend the day with her sister and daughters. So after a little internal debating, she decided to wake Rachel up, make sure everything was ok, cook them breakfast, and get a move on. "Don't wake her." Casey's hand went over hers halting the knocking motion before it could begin. "Don't wake her." She repeated.

"Why not?" Shelby questioned.

"We should let her sleep."

"It's your last day here Casey and we really haven't done much all together. I thought we could drive up to that place we used to go to as kids. You know the one… Down the street from that music store and next to that old fashioned Ice Cream Shoppe. We used to go every week with mom and dad."

"I remember. But why don't we save that for a later day. It's more fun when the weather's warm and we can do the mini-golf."

"You're right, but at least they can do the indoor games and there's a carousel."

"Why don't we let Rachel sleep in while we three," she made a circular hand motion pointing to herself, Shelby, and Beth, "go to the park again?"

"Park!" Beth practically screamed.

"Shh Bethie. Rachel's sleeping."

"See Shelby, she loves the idea. Then we can shop for the essentials, come back here, and have a movie night with Rachel." She suggested.

Reluctantly, Shelby agreed. "Ok. Let's do that. I'll leave a note for Rachel."

"Come on, I'll make some vegan pancakes and leave some in the oven for her before we go."

Shelby nodded and they left the hall. Rachel was still awake, but still unmoving. She probably wouldn't go back to sleep now that she was awake and her mind went back into overdrive, so she'd just stay there and pretend to be so the world would just leave her alone. At the very least, they would leave her alone. She couldn't quite make out what they were saying, but less than an hour later, she heard the front door shut and the car pull out of the driveway.

She still hadn't moved; just listened to the tick of the hand on the bedside clock, like it reminded her she was still there, still miserable. Her heart was still beating, still broken and emotionally abused by the life she led and the cards she was dealt. She just wanted to sleep again; to sleep through it all and wake up happy again. Maybe it all really was a dream. She was still waiting for that day where she'd just wake up and find that it was all just a figment of a her very vivid imagination. She'd be in her old room. Her fathers would call and tell her that they were on their way home early from their rare trip just to see her because they missed her that much. Life would be good again. The only thing she'd miss from the nightmare she was living was Casey; kind of… And maybe Noah too… But she knew that wasn't going to happen; not even in her dreams.

Nothing would ever change. And even her Broadway dreams didn't seem so bright anymore. That wasn't a good sign, was it? She didn't want to think about it. She didn't want to think about anything. She just wanted to wake up happy. She went to bed happy, why couldn't she wake up the same? Simple answer was that the high wore off. She needed it to sleep, but at some point, it just disappeared and she was back to miserable Rachel.

As the thoughts that she attempted to push away, but overpowered her will, took over, the door bell rang. "Ugh! Whoever it is, just go away." She said to herself as she put her hands over her eyes as if to block it all away. She didn't move to answer it, and then it came again. There was another ring; a continuous ring of the doorbell like someone would expect from a petulant, uncontrollable child and it happened to be accompanied by an unremitting pounding on the door.

Bang. Bang. Bang… It wasn't great for the headache that was brewing. Vexed, she threw the blanket off of her, and stomped down the stairs.

"What do you want?!" She asked angrily, not bothering to see who was actually there, just opening the door with as much strength as she could hoping they would just leave when they saw she wasn't in the mood for company and no one else was there.

"Is that really how you answer the door?" The voice shocked her.

"Noah? What are you doing here?"

Pushing his way into the otherwise empty house, Puck said, "You've been ignoring me. What's the deal Berry? We had an agreement. What happened to that?" He missed her. It wasn't even the good sex he missed. It was her. He missed just hanging out and talking. Hell, he missed their tutoring sessions where he actually learned something, and if he was lucky, he'd get a prize. He really did just miss her. And he didn't understand what he did that made her ignore him.

She was avoiding him with, what she deemed, good reason. She couldn't tell him. She wanted to. She wanted to be able to lean on him or at least let him lean on her. And he'd want to know. But the thought of him feeling as bad as she did about the loss of a baby they neither knew about nor planned on having was a devastating one. And she wouldn't wish that on him. In so many ways he already lost one child in Beth. She couldn't tell him he lost another.

"I'm sorry you feel so neglected and my intentions were not to ignore you, however, I've been extremely busy this last week." She calmly said as she shut the door behind them. She didn't need nosey neighbors listening in.

"Bull."

"Excuse me?"

"Bull shit you were busy."

"I do not appreciate such foul language Noah. I'm sorry you don't believe the truth. I have been very busy. We had family in town." She tried to keep her voice even and composed while she was anything but. Seeing him for the first time since… It was horrible. She just kept picturing what it would've looked like. "If you feel neglected, again, I apologize, but if you're here to reap in my benefits, I'm afraid I'm not in the mood today and you'll have to find it elsewhere."

"But the agreement was no one else. Just you… Are you ending things? Did you find someone? Is that why you haven't been calling even to talk? Who is this douche?" If she didn't know any better she would've thought he was worried and a little sad by the thought. Jealous maybe? And if her head was in a better place she would've realized that it was more than thought. He did care. He didn't want her to be with anyone else. And he was upset about the idea. She was his Berry; no one else's.

"You're right Noah. The agreement was no one else while we were together and we had to stop if we found someone we wanted to be in a relationship with. However, that is not the case here. You can find another plaything if I'm not giving you what you want. But I assure you, there is no one else, nor had there been up to this point. I have actually been busy."

"You're not a plaything Rachel." He said somberly and reached out to take her hand. It was a loving gesture, one that caught her off guard and nearly made her flinch, but she controlled herself before he noticed. It was comforting, but surprising. He was trying to make her feel better. "You're not a plaything. You have to know that Rach."

"Isn't that all I'm good for?" She ripped her hand away. She didn't deserve his comfort. His baby was dead because of her. "A quick lay? That's all you really want from me isn't it?" She needed him to be mad at her. She couldn't take the comfort. She couldn't let him be nice to her. She didn't deserve it.

"You know it's not."

"Since when?!"

"You and I both know that we aren't just bed buddies. We've never been. We both said that's all we are, but we know you're not that girl. I'm that guy, but you're not that girl. I tried to convince myself that you were, so that I could keep feelings or whatever out of it, but I knew you weren't." He didn't know what came over him. His Grammar was right. He was using full sentences. He was sounding like Berry… What had she done to him? "I wanted to stay Puck and you to be Berry. But you're Rachel and with Rachel, I'm Noah."

"Stop." Rachel pleaded. She liked what he was saying. She liked how it made her feel, but she couldn't feel it. She needed him to yell. She needed him to stop using her real name and stick with Berry. She needed him to make her feel worse for what she did. "Please stop."

"Being around you makes me smarter. You use big words and your sentences are so long I have no choice but to pay attention. And half the time I don't know what you're saying and you annoy the shit out of me, but I want to be around you."

"Please Noah." She pleaded again, trying to stop the rush of emotion. She didn't want to listen to him. At that moment, the first time she saw him since she found out, she wanted the play boy Puck to be there, not sweet and loving Noah. Puck, she needed Puck.

"No, you need to hear this. I agreed to this arrangement for the sex yes, but for you too. That's why we agreed to be friends with benefits. We were always friends first. We just didn't act like it. I wasn't going to force you into anything. I could've gone out and had my pick of girls or cougars. People want the Puckeroni. But I agreed to no one else because I wanted you. Only you…" Why was he doing this?

"You need to stop Noah! Just stop. I can't hear any of this anymore."

"I'm an ass, but I care Rach. I really do care. You're my friend. So you're so much more than an easy lay. I want you to know that and I hope you feel the same way." He declared as he grabbed her wrist to prevent her from leaving.

"You need to leave. I'm going to my room. See yourself out please." She refused to deal with any of it. She had to admit that she wanted to hear what he said. Normally, it'd make her feel good and happy. But then she just felt ashamed and terrible. She was keeping something from him that he probably deserved to know and she was just ruining him. Not for one second did she believe what he said either. She didn't make him better or anything like that. He probably just wanted back in her pants after their little liaising break, but, she reminded herself, he didn't need to be sweet for her to give it up and he knew that. So why do it?

So in a huff, she ripped her wrist from his tight, but not harmful, grasp, and ran away. Running, hiding, ignoring; that she was good at. That she could handle. As she slammed the bedroom door she heard the faint calls of her name. "Rachel!" He yelled, but she wouldn't answer. She just walked to the window and stared. It looked like it was going to rain. It would've been a good day for rain.

She probably wasn't standing there long, but the next thing she knew, her door was being slammed shut again and Puck was yelling at her. She got what she wanted, but it didn't make her feel any different. Whatever he was saying, she couldn't make out. His mouth was moving and there was a buzzing in her ear, but she couldn't understand. She saw it all but couldn't hear it all.

"Are you listening Rachel?"

Out of nowhere, she just started balling, tears flowing from her eyes in free form and Puck was lost. What was he supposed to do? All he could think was to hug her. He walked over to her and just took her into his arms. "I'm here Rach. I'm here."

"I don't want you here." She said in between tears.

"Why not?"

"Because you're too good for me."

He smirked. "I don't think I've ever heard that one Berry. That's not true. If anything, you're too good for me.

"You wouldn't be saying that if you knew." She said to herself.

"If I knew what?" She panicked. Did she say what she thought she said in her head aloud? Did he grow a sixth sense? What was happening? What was she going to do? "If I knew what Berry?"

Instead of answering, she just moved away from him and laid on her bed. Her head buried in the pillow and her tears wet the cotton sheets. How could she have said that out loud? He saw the distress and even felt it himself. Why was she crying? What did he say that was worthy of tears? Sure, she was dramatic and on a normal day she could cue the tears like a professional, but those were real. He could see that. But why? What happened? She had never been quite so, so broken in front of him before. What wasn't she telling him? He didn't have the answers. He wanted them, but didn't have them. But he had to comfort her.

He moved to her, gently sitting on the bed next to her, one hand gently caressing her arm in an act to soothe her, but it wasn't working. There was just some incoherent mumbling on her part that he didn't respond to. And then he joined her, lying next to her, spooning her and wrapping an arm around her. In a meaningless attempt to push him away, she flailed her arms around, but he just held her tighter. "Christ Berry, stop crying please. I'm here for you, but I need to know what you were talking about. If I knew what Rachel?"

"Why won't you go away?"

"'Cause Berry, you're stuck with me."

"Why? Why are you even here?"

"Because I was tired of being ignored. I sent texts. I called. It was time I showed up."

"Did you ever think there was a reason I wasn't answering?" Other than she turned her phone to silent and hadn't checked it in a few days…

"Yes, and I needed to find out what it was."

"I don't want you here. I don't want you being nice to me. Please just let me go. Just go away." She cried.

"No, not until you tell me everything. Tell me what's going on and what I need to know."

"I can't."

"Why not? How bad can it be?"

The question made the crying worse. "Terrible." She answered. "I… I… I can't Noah… I can't do this. You have to go."

"Please stop crying." He didn't do crying chicks well, and that chick being Rachel made it worse. "Please stop and tell me what's going on."

"I'm sorry Noah."

"It's ok. Whatever it is, it's ok."

"No it's not." Her sadness turned to anger in the span of a second. "How can you say that?" She sat up in fury. He didn't know what was going on because she hadn't told him, but in that moment, she forgot that detail. He was trying to comfort her and she was taking everything out on him. "It's gone and you don't even care. It's probably for the best anyway. I mean no one would want that with me right?" She couldn't look at him, she just continued to vent. "I'm just some girl no one likes. Who would want to be with me? Have a family with me? No one, that's who. I don't know how it happened or why. And I didn't mean for any of it to happen and I was so scared to tell you. I wasn't going to tell you, but you deserve to know about the baby. Our… and it… It's just… found out… pregnant… over…gone… and Beth… I don't know what to do." Everything she said was so jumbled that he couldn't make out parts of the sentences. He was sure he missed half of what she said. "I'm so sorry Noah. I'm so sorry." Her words were rushed like she never processed what was coming out of her mouth and, in many ways, she didn't. She didn't realize what she said until after. "God, it just hurts so much." Admitting that, saying that she was in pain was the breaking point. She just let it out and Puck was there to catch her as her walls fell.

Pulling her deep into his arms as he let her break down completely, he listened to her sobs and held her tight. After enough time passed, he spoke. "You… You're pregnant?" He asked quietly, her head resting on his chest listening to the rapid thump of his heartbeat. Releasing a guttural cry, she shook her head into his chest. He could feel her head moving, but he didn't understand. "You're not?" He didn't know why, but he was a little disappointed. It wasn't that he wanted to be a father of two before graduating high school. But he heard baby and immediately pictured the perfect combination of him and Rachel; a powerhouse badass none of the other kids would compare to. But that wasn't happening and he couldn't help but feel the world was missing out. He was missing out. "You're not?" He asked again.

Sniffling she answered, "N… Nuh… Nuh… No."

"But you said…?" She buried her face deeper into his body, her hands fisting the material of his hoodie. "I don't understand Rachel. What's going on?"

"I'm sorry Noah. I… I… I wha… was…"

"Was what babe?"

"I… I didn't feel well…" It was like between every word she either hiccupped or sniffled. "An… and I… went out… felt sick… and Jesse showed… and vomit… and then Quinn… went to the clinic with me…"

"Alright Rach, you're going to have to do a little better than that. I can't understand you. Less than I normally can."

As quickly and clearly as she could, she said, "I was bleeding and throwing up and went to the clinic and the doctor told me I lost it."

"Lost what?"

"Our… Our baby…"

Gripping her tighter he stuttered, "Uh… our… our baby?" She nodded into his chest as the tears continued to pour. "You were pregnant?"

"Yes."

"Why didn't you tell me?"

"Did… didn't know."

"And… and it… he or she… it died?" It, he had to call it it.

Another deep cry came from her frail body. "Ye… Yes… I'm sorry."

"It's not your fault Rach. It's not." He believed that. It wasn't her fault, but it didn't hurt any less; the sadness the pain and the ache of the shock. He was stunned and feeling it all. "I wish you told me. When did this happen?" If he didn't ask questions, he'd cry. And he was too much of a badass to let anyone see him cry.

"Wednesday…"

"Is that why you haven't been answering?"

"Uh huh."

"What happened?"

"Miss… Miscarriage…"

"But how?" It didn't make sense. Nothing made sense.

She shrugged. That was about all she could do. "I'm just so sorry. I killed it Noah. I killed our baby. I know you don't want a baby with me. But… but I killed it. He or she will never live because of me. I killed it!"

"Stop saying that!" He yelled.

"Why? Why should I stop?! It's true. It's all true!" She stood; pushing away from him going anywhere he couldn't reach, walking about in a way that could only be described as erratic pacing. "I'm a monster. Tell me I'm a monster!"

He stood to join her and did his best to stop her; to just get her to look at him. Finally, he got in front of her, put his hands on her shoulders to stop her movement and hope the mumbling stopped too. "You're not a monster. Ok Rachel? You're not. It's not your fault." He wasn't used to being the calm one. Other people were usually the voice of reason to his manic moments.

"Yes it is! I did this. It's my fault our baby's gone. Even if you wouldn't have wanted it, I didn't want it dead." He had no idea where she was getting it form. Why would she think he wouldn't want the baby? He wanted Beth. He'd want their baby too. But there was no baby… anymore.

"It's not your fault Rachel. It's not!" He tried to convince her. "And I would've been here for you. I would've wanted that baby. A little girl just like you with Broadway dreams and me wrapped around her little finger or a little boy with my attitude but your smarts. He or she would've been perfect because it was half you and half me." As he held her close to him and continued to talk, he couldn't stop the tear that fell. Badass or not, he would've loved that kid and losing it, even if he found out after the fact, stung. Knowing, knowing meant there would forever be a hole in his heart where his second child would've been. Now it was just a throbbing ache. "I would've loved that kid Rach. We would've loved it."

"Why are you being nice to me? I don't want you to be nice to me!" She saw the tear in his eye and it caused her to get angry. He was sad, but he wasn't angry at her. He needed to blame her. She deserved that. She made him sad. She made big, bad Noah Puckerman cry and he was trying to make her feel better…How did that make sense?

"You don't? Why? I want to be nice to you."

"I don't deserve it. Yell at me! Please, yell at me." Trying to entice some sort of reaction, she hit him; beat on his chest like a drum. Her hands going back and forth until she nearly collapsed and the tears took over again. He just let her do it. It didn't hurt much and she needed it. He let her ignore him. He didn't bother checking on her. And she needed him then. And where was he? The least he could do was take a few hits if it helped her. "Just yell at me." Her body weakened and the yelling turned to whimpering cries. "Tell me what I know. Tell me it's my fault." She said as she crumbled. Her body moved to the floor, her knees buckling, and Puck was there to make the fall a little easier.

"I got you."

"Please Noah, be Puck. Yell at me… Please…" She was desperate. She needed him to hurt her like everyone else so she could find some excuse to separate herself from him, or for some other reason she couldn't quite figure out yet.

"I can't Rachel." He began to explain as rubbed a soothing hand on her back, trying to help her quell the cries. "I can't do that because it's not your fault. It's not anyone's fault. Sometimes… sometimes it just happens." He was trying to convince himself as much as he was her. The emotions were too much, He was fighting it; trying so hard to keep it in, but a girl he cared deeply about was in his arms, weeping for the loss of their child and his resolve just faded. Silently, he cried with her, whispering words of comfort and assurances whenever he could mange. "We would've been great parents." He told her as she settled down. "I didn't get that chance with Beth and yeah, we're young, but you would've been a great mom."

"No."

"Yeah ya would." A smile took over his face as he pictured them as a family. Sure, he pictured them older, and yeah, he was shocked he, and all his badass mojo, was picturing it at all, but he did. They would've been great. "We would've handled it. We would've been great."

"No one would want me as a mom."

"Our kid would. Any kid would be lucky to have you as their mom Berry." Usually she didn't like to be called Berry, but in that moment it was almost comforting, like nothing had changed even though everything had. "I promise you that you would've been great. And I'm so sorry this happened. I'm sorry I let it happen in the first place."

"Not your fault." The fact that she got pregnant at all was both their faults. It was a careless mistake, but it happened. There was no changing that. "Mine."

"We both should've been more careful. But we're going to get through this. I'll be here for you whatever you need. We both lost that baby Rachel and I've been talking feeling with you for the past two hours, so you know that means something. You mean something to me and we're going to get through this." He said with a final air of confidence. "Will you please stop crying? Tell me you're ok… You know, physically after it happened…"

"I'm not crying anymore." She looked up to him confused. That was when he saw it.

He looked down to the wet spot on his shirt that he thought was tears and saw a red stain on his jacket. It was warm. He thought it was from her crying, but seeing it, and then going to touch it, he realized it wasn't. It was… It was blood? Was he bleeding? How'd that happen? He looked around for sign of injury and realized he had none. But he saw there was blood where Rachel hit him. Immediately he looked to her; her eyes wide and her face worried. She had been caught. She just didn't know it yet. "Shit Berry! You're bleeding!"

Meanwhile, Shelby, Beth, and Casey were enjoying a nice day at the park. After pulling out of the driveway, they had a fairly quiet ride to the playground. Nothing was said between the sisters; just the music on the radio and the babbling of Beth filled the car. Even at the park, it took them a little while to get situated only talking to Beth as they did. But once Beth was happily running around within a safe distance and playing with her ball, the silent treatment was off.

After the previous night's conversation, or confrontation, neither really knew how to act. Shelby wanted to remain in denial and Casey wanted her to realize just how bad things were. In many ways, they were at an impasse. So they sat there, entering into a staring contest. "I talked to mom." Casey finally talked.

"About what?" Shelby asked.

"Rachel."

"You did what? I told you there was nothing wrong. And even if there was, you had no right. She is my daughter. It's my business; no one else's."

"What she told me made sense."

"I don't want to hear it."

"Why not Shelby? Why are you so determined to turn a blind eye while you daughter is suffering?"

"Who said she is suffering? I still don't know if anything is wrong and neither do you."

"Yes I do."

"No you don't. And even if something was wrong it's not your place to tell mom about it."

"I said it was a friend of Rachel's. I never said it was her." Casey explained.

"I still don't want to hear it."

"Ok, I won't tell you what she said… not now, but you still need to listen to me.'

"You know Casey. I love you, but I don't like you thinking you know her better than I do. She has been living with me for months and you've only known her a week. How could you possibly know more about her than I do? And, for the record, I don't believe she had an abortion. Even if she was having sex, which I don't think she is, and got pregnant, she wouldn't have an abortion." She didn't mean for it to be snarky and bitchy but that was how it was. She didn't want to believe anything. She was jealous of her sister's relationship with her daughter. She was tired of being in the dark, but she was more afraid to be in the know. What was she supposed to do? What was right?

"You don't have to believe me about the abortion. I don't know if that's true. It was just a theory. And, honestly, right now that doesn't matter. As for the rest, you're too close to the situation. You're trying to do everything she wants and not what you need to do. You're not supposed to be her friend; you're supposed to be her mother. And that means facing the hard facts. Your daughter is struggling and you're not being the mother she needs. You're not being much of a mother to her at all."

"Casey!"

"It's true Shelby. I love you, but you're not."

"That's not true."

"Why didn't you read the journal?" Because she was afraid of finding out she was a worse mother than she felt she was.

"Casey, that's her personal journal where she writes things that she doesn't want to talk about with me and there is probably a lot about me that I don't need to read. It wasn't meant for us to read."

"That doesn't an answer my question. After I told you that you needed to read it, that you needed to see how bad things were, why didn't you?"

"I couldn't."

"Why? Why couldn't you?"

"Because Casey!" She yelled like a child before gathering herself and answering a bit more calmly. "Because I am scared. I am scared that you are right. I'm scared that I have damaged her beyond repair. I broke her Casey. I broke my daughter and I don't know how to put her back together. I just want her to like me. And she has been better with me. She let me comfort her. She talks to me a little. She participates, but I can feel her holding back. There's nothing of substance. It's just a façade. I want more than that. I want to be a good mom." She was sincere; the tears in her eyes not part of the show.

"But right now you're not doing anything to help her. You need to help her." She needed to be honest. Coddling her sister wouldn't get them anywhere.

"How? How can I help her? She doesn't want my help and I wouldn't even know where to begin. If what you're saying is true, I'm in way over my head."

"That's what you have me for. I'm here Shelby… for all of you."

Shelby gave her a look of thanks that Casey understood. Everything she said was true, but her goal was to get Shelby to the same place she was. And she was on a mission to help Rachel. "How do I even know it's true?"

"I have a solution."

"Oh yeah? Care to share with those less capable than you?" Shelby joked as Casey rummaged through her bag.

"Funny Shelby. But I'm serious. I have something that will help."

"What is it?" Casey just pulled out Rachel's journal and immediately, the smile on Shelby's face turned into a frown. "No. Do you bring that thing with you everywhere? I already told you I don't want to read that."

"You need to read this. I know you don't want to. I really didn't want to either, but once I did, I was glad I did. Now I know. Now I can help. You need that too. If you don't read that, you won't understand and you need to understand. Her problems have been building Shelby… for a while. She is slowly killing herself and she is fooling everyone." Letting out a humorless laugh she added, "I'll hand it to the kid; she's one hell of an actress. She must've gotten that from you."

"Yeah… Everything she gets from me just hurts her. Maybe that's why she hates me."

"That's not true Shelby. I think she truly loves you. She's just scared and she really doesn't know how to show it."

"We should be scared together. Whatever she's going through, she should have been able to come to me."

"This isn't a 'go ask mommy for help' problem. She wants this hidden. She doesn't want anyone to know. And she's really good at hiding. It's time you get good at seeing."

"I'm not sure I know what that means."

"It means read this." She put her hand over the book. "Don't read it all. I didn't and I don't want to. I invaded her head more than I should have already. Just read the parts with a sticky note on it. Then you'll see. You'll understand. You'll want to cry. You'll want to hug her. You'll want to tell her everything's ok. And all that's ok. You probably want to do that anyway. But, most importantly, you'll want to help her. You'll want to acknowledge that the problems are real; that they're more than the doctor's slight concerns. How she fooled him, I'll never know. But this is where we need to get you. You're head has to be in this place so we can help her before it's too late."

After a silent reflective moment staring at the journal, she looked up to Casey and meekly said, "Is it bad?"

"I'm not going to lie. It's a hard read. I cried, I smiled, and it broke my heart with each word."

"But it was worth it?"

"It's worth it. I wouldn't read more than I did, but it confirmed what I knew and now I can find a way to help her."

"I want to help her too."

"Then you need to read it."

"Here?"

"No one else is here. I'm going to go push Beth on the swings and give you some space. You just need to read it. And no matter what you read, it's not your fault. This was happening before she moved in with you. She's hurting and this is how she's dealing. You have to remember that it's less about how you get there and more about how you deal with it once you are there. So once you realize that I'm right, you're going to have to step up. You're going to have to be the strong Shelby Corcoran and show Rachel that she's just as strong as her mama. We're going to show her that she's a Corcoran too."

"Go, go play with Beth."

"You're going to read it?"

"I'm going to read it. I promise. Go."

Nodding, Casey gave a hint of a sad smile and walked over to Beth. As they played on the swings, laughing and having fun, Shelby was left with the journal. It was like it was haunting her; like it was possessed and she was afraid to open it. But she looked over to her sister and her daughter. They were smiling and innocent and they were having happy family moments. She wanted that experience with Rachel too. And if she was being all introspective she'd face the facts. Rachel hadn't been happy for a while. Whether she saw the extent of the problems or not, she couldn't deny that her daughter was unhappy. So she had to read it. She had to read it so she could get her daughter better and happier so they could have those moments all together in the future.

"Here goes nothing." She said to herself as she opened to the first sticky note. The first few pages she read were about Rachel's life with her fathers and a little about the bullying. The out of town trips, the missed holidays and birthdays… It was hard to read, but not quite the nitty gritty that Casey was talking about. She knew the worst had yet to come.

I saw Shelby today. She didn't see me though. I'm glad she didn't. I saw her with Beth. I saw her with my replacement. I wasn't good enough for her. I just wasn't enough for her so she went out and got a newer, better version. Of course it had to be a baby that came from a torrid affair between my tormentor and a guy I almost lost myself in. That week was a good week and I don't remember any other good weeks since.

If Quinn didn't take enough from me by taking everyone I care about, Finn and Noah… half the glee club loves her more… Of course they do, they all hate me. Well if that wasn't enough she had to give her perfect little spawn to a woman who basically said she couldn't love me. I wasn't what she wanted. But Beth was. I guess that makes sense. Nobody loves me. Everyone wants the best and that was what came of a one night stand between one Noah Puckerman and the likes of Quinn Fabray. You get perfection… You get everything I'm not… She'll no doubt turn out to be beautiful and talented. She'll surpass my looks more than she already has and she'll beat my talent by the time she's able to talk.

And where does that leave me? Alone… Loveless… Motherless… I'm so glad she didn't see me. I couldn't handle more rejection from her. I didn't want to see the disgusted look on her face when she saw me; the same look that I have every time I look in the mirror. I couldn't stand it if I did. She doesn't want me. I don't need her to make me feel any worse than I already do. I have enough things to haunt me.

She wished she knew that. She wished she knew just how neglectful they had been. Sure, she learned that they were absentee every now and then going on vacations and business trips, but she didn't know it had affected her so much. Her daughter defended them. Rachel made them seem like saints and they were never really there for her… And then she went and made it worse by abandoning her too. It killed her to read that word. Motherless… Her daughter felt motherless and replaced and broken. And it was her fault. Casey may have told her it wasn't, but Rachel feeling that definitely was. She wished she did see Rachel that day. She would've made and effort. Or maybe that was what she wanted to believe; not necessarily the truth.

Just four pages read and she was already a blubbering mess. She hadn't even reached the so called evidence yet. She needed some tissues. Dabbing at her eyes, she read about the time that doe eyed OCD lady caught her in the bathroom trying to make herself throw up and how she conned her way out of talking. She thought that was bad. She thought having it confirmed was bad, but she didn't know bad until she read how deep Rachel was into her addiction.

I measure everything, and it's still not enough. My food diary/weight journal gets written in at least twice a day, sometimes more. I weigh myself every morning and every night. I keep track of every crumb that goes into my mouth. I weigh what comes out. And still, it's not enough.

Hours of my day are spent think about food. What I eat and what I do to reverse it… I exercise and exercise… I sneak out of Shelby's house in the middle of the night to go running. If she knew, she'd probably kill me. That or lock me in the room, put bars on my windows, and alarm the doors. But I have to do it. Half the time I don't even eat much and I still feel the fat building. I couldn't imagine what it'd be like if I didn't run. The elliptical too. But I need more.

I weigh too much. I'm ugly. I'm fat. I won't be happy until I reach that number. The number on the scale just needs to be less. I'll be happier then. With each pound lost I am happier. When the scale finally hits zero, I'll be happy. And only then will I be happy. But until then, I'm doing everything I can. I'll continue to monitor my consumption and expulsion; calories burned and consumed. I'll do whatever.

I push myself in glee and dance too. That helps keep me fit. And the weight loss is helping. Actually, it's finally paying off. I got a solo in the recital! So maybe, maybe it's not enough, but it's getting there…

That was the last thing she read, and that was more than enough. Casey left out the page about her; the one that said she was everything Rachel wished Shelby was. She left out the ones about some of the bullying figuring Shelby had to know about the slushies at school; she did work there, and a few about Shelby herself were voided to preserve whatever was left of her sister when she was done reading. She left out the one about the baby because Shelby wouldn't be able to grasp that and she'd probably forget everything else and focus solely on that when attention should be elsewhere. A lot was left out.

Even so, Shelby was balling. She was crying and broken, just like her daughter. She saw the signs. She knew they were there, and she ignored them. Basically, she enabled her daughter and allowed her to sink deeper and deeper into despair. Still, the two women, having read the pages, still only had limited knowledge. They didn't know about the cutting. They didn't know the true evolution of the disease. They just knew it was happening and that they had to stop it.

"Tough read huh?" Casey said as she placed a hand on Shelby's shoulder making her sister jump.

"Yes. Very tough read." She answered wiping the last of her tears away.

"How are you feeling?"

"Like an idiot."

"Why?"

"How did I miss so much? How did I allow this to happen? How could I see things and do nothing to stop it?"

"Shelby… You can't think like that. What's done is done." Casey couldn't give her anything that would excuse what was done. The point was that it was in the past. They needed to focus on what to do next, not what already happened. "You know now and you are going to do something. That's what's important."

"I should've been able to stop this."

"I don't think you could have stopped this. It was happening either way. And it's possible you could have tried to step in before it got to this point, but that doesn't matter."

"Then what does? What happens now?"

"Now we put our heads together and we figure this out. I don't know what I'm doing either, but we'll do it."

"I don't understand this."

"I know."

"Why her? Why is this happening to her?" Taking the seat next to Shelby, Beth in her stroller, Casey wrapped her sister in a tight embrace.

"I wish it wasn't her too, but we're going to do everything we can to pull her out of the darkness. She has us. She has people. And we are going to help her."

"I love you Casey."

"I love you too Shelby. And I'm here for you always."

"I know."

"Good." They broke the hug and just sat there for a while, Beth content playing with her toy.

"It's bad."

"It is bad, but she's stronger than she thinks. She's a Corcoran. Corcorans are strong."

"We are."

"And so is she."

"Thank you. I know I've been tough to be around and get through to, but thank you for not giving up. Thank you for being the best bug sister ever and a great aunt. Rachel likes you. And as much as it hurts that she likes you more, I'm glad she has you."

"Me too, and you're welcome Shelby."

"I'm glad you're here."

"I actually wanted to talk to you about that."

"About what?"

"About my visit."

"What about it?" Casey and Shelby had a very important, very unexpected conversation. It was something Casey was thinking about before, but wanted even more now. She just didn't know if Shelby would want that too.

"So what do you think?"

"I think it's just what we need."

"Good. I think so too."

"So what do we do now?"

"Now we go pick up the movie night supplies, get Rachel to participate, and take the rest one step at a time. But we won't give up no matter how hard it gets. And knowing how stubborn you are, I feel like she's going to give us a run for our money. She hates it, but she has a lot of you in her."

"What time is it?"

"A little after three."

"It's almost Beth's naptime and Rachel has to be up by now." Cynically she adds, "She probably ate and heaved breakfast too."

"That's not funny."

"I know. We should go get what we need to get because I really need to check on her."

"If we hover too much she's going to know that we know and, right now, I don't think that's our best option."

"Probably not. Then she'll just shut us both out. But she's going to do that anyway as soon as she finds out that we read her journal."

"You're right, but we'll cross that bridge when we get to it."

"Let's go."

An hour later, they'd be home and they would have no idea what was going on right above their heads without them even knowing it.

I wasn't going to end it where I did; the cliff hanger kind of in the middle of everything, but I had to. I really did. Tune in next time…

I apologize for any grammar and spelling errors. I hope you enjoyed this chapter. Until next time…

Guests It's all coming to a head! Casey's taking over control and trying to help her family. Shelby's getting involved. The journal may cause some issues. They did invade her privacy, but drama makes a story good. So it will make good reading. You got your wish about Puck. I hope you like the way it played out… It's only the beginning…

Ajunebuga The anticipation is supposed to kill you. It makes the story worth it. I'm very glad to hear you like the story. That makes me happy. And Casey is a vital piece in Rachel's journey. I thought it was about time I brought things to light.

brtitana5 I appreciate that you have patience and that like me, you prefer quality to speed. I know this is more a review to the author's note I put up, but I still felt I should comment. I love hearing that it's worth it. It makes me feel like what I do is worth it. So thanks.

CarolineSC If I realize that I've taken a long time, I will do my best to check in. If I don't, feel free to PM me and kindly tell me to get a move on. Sometimes life gets in the way and sometimes I just lose track of time, but the story is important to me.

DudeyBob I can see being torn. Once she gets help, the story shifts, but she really needs help. And yes, I haven't quite finalized my ideas yet, but Rachel will likely find out they read her journal and it won't be pretty. Casey and Shelby beware the wrath of Rachel… maybe… You'll have to wait and see.

seacat03 I liked having Casey yell at Shelby. I don't have any sisters, but that's really what they're for right? Telling you what's what and getting you to see the facts. That's really Casey's role. She's like the mother hen trying to heal her flock. Hope you like the Casey/Shelby in the new chapter too.

ilovekc Yes, Rachel will finally start to get some help! But it won't be that easy. There's a long, very, very, very, bumpy road ahead. I think you'll enjoy the ride. Thanks for the review.

sillystarshine Denial does tend to make things worse and Shelby has a bad case of it. She'll start to lose her rose colored glasses in this chapter, but things will still be a little rosy through her lenses. It took some doing, but Casey got her to see what she saw. It's a big moment, but it's not the end. Shelby is a parent trying to see the good and ignore the bad. She still won't want to believe her daughter is doing what she's doing… As for the journal entries, they were meant to be heartbreaking so I'm happy they had that effect. I was worried they weren't enough. So thanks.

emma 56 Rachel is going to start to get help or at least help will be foisted on her. We'll have to see how that goes. And more people from the glee club will be involved in the process.

Vienna98 Aunt Casey is there to save the day; kicking butt and taking names is her job. She wears and S on her chest when it comes to Rachel; she tries at least, but she's not a real superhero. Rachel will begin the healing process but it's a long one and by no means an easy one. And slowly, Shelby will realize just how deep her rejection touched and see just what it led to.

mysterywriter94 Casey is meant to be a contrast to Shelby while they're on separate pages. Shelby is more in denial than clueless because she knows she just doesn't want to. It's a mother's fear that something bad happens to her child (I assume, I don't have kids) so she doesn't want to believe it. Casey doesn't have that issue. She just loves Rachel and wants to be there for her whatever way she can. I want this story as realistic as possible, and the little details, the awkward moments; the things people tend to leave out… those are the things that make it real. So I felt the need to include them. And I do dark well; it makes the connection to the characters more meaningful. Sometimes I just want to hug Rachel too. Eventually she'll realize people love her.