Affliction

by Doodle19

Everybody has problems and everbody chooses to deal with them in their own way. So when the world around Rachel and the walls she put up come crashing down, how will she deal? And will anybody be there to help her survive? Rating subject to change.

32. One Good Day

I do not own Glee, I only play with the characters and create others to play along.

Chapter 32: One Good Day

He looked down to the wet spot on his shirt that he thought was tears and saw a red stain on his jacket. It was warm. He thought it was from her crying, but seeing it, and then going to touch it, he realized it wasn't. It was… It was blood? Was he bleeding? How'd that happen? He looked around for sign of injury and realized he had none. But he saw there was blood where Rachel hit him. Immediately he looked to her; her eyes wide and her face worried. She had been caught. She just didn't know it yet. "Shit Berry! You're bleeding!"

"What?" Still in a state of, the only word for it, shock, Rachel stared at him. "No I'm not."

"Crap, what did you do?" He asked as he approached her, ignoring her remark. As he went to inspect her arm, where the thick fleece sleeve of her sweater turned from its natural pastel to a dripping red, something in her snapped and she was no longer in a distant state. Realizing what was happening, she ripped her hand out of his reach.

"I'm fine!" She insisted, anger lacing her tone. Neglecting the fact that she noticed how much blood was on his shirt and that if there was that much there, it meant she cut deep enough for it to soak through several layers of gauze and tape and through the cloth material hours after the fact… Despite all that, she believed what she said. She was fine.

"You're not fine. What happened? Why are you bleeding?"

"I... I just…" She needed a good excuse, but for once, the lie didn't just come to her. "I cut myself w… when I was making breakfast this morning. It's nothing. The knife just slipped and cut a little by my wrist. I… I must have reopened it when… when I… when I hit you." She looked to see if he was buying it, but his face was unreadable. "Really, it's nothing. I assure you."

"So if it's nothing, you'll let me see it?"

"No!" She answered hastily. "I mean, no, no I won't let you see it. It's disgusting. I… I just have to wash it and clean it. I'm sure it will be fine after that."

"Let me see it Rachel!" He said forcefully as she turned away from him.

"Just… Just leave me alone Puck."

"So we're back to Puck again. Jeez Rachel, what's your problem?" He was getting angry. They were making progress and they were quickly regressing. "I'm just trying to help you."

"Well, I don't need your help. Thank you anyway. Feel free to leave at anytime."

"I'm not leaving. We have a lot to talk about and I need to see your arm."

"No, I have to go clean it." Starting to walk away, she felt the world around her spin. The ground was shaky. The walls were tilting. Nothing was as it should've been. Her world was unsteady, but she wanted to push through; she tried to push through. Only a few more steps… a few more. But she couldn't make it to the bathroom. Forcing herself to take just one more step, forcing herself to try and make it all the way, to try and keep her secrets away, she fell. She had no control over her body as she toppled over. Luckily, she was only a foot or so from the bed when she did. And as her body went down, Noah's muscular arms caught her before there was any real damage done.

"Are you alright Rachel?" He asked a little panicked and concerned.

"Mmhmm." She mumbled. Forming real words seemed like too much of a chore.

Puck gently helped Rachel onto the bed, setting her down so that she rested against the headboard and pillows. There was more going on than he realized. "What's going on Rach?" The pieces weren't fitting yet, and she wasn't going to help him put them together. Instead, she ignored there was anything wrong and attempted to turn over onto her side and tuck her arm out of eye's view. When he went to reach for her hand, she flinched away. "You need to let me see it."

"No." She tried to be insistent, but like her body, her voice was weak. And when he reached her blood soaked arm, she had no fight in her. Her resistance was futile in that state. Her fight wasn't much of a fight at all.

"That's a lot of blood. What did you do?" He asked concernedly. Gently, he pulled back the cloth material of her shirt from her skin to reveal the bandage. "What did you do?" He asked again, but she still didn't answer. She felt weak, but she wasn't stupid. She wasn't going to admit to anything even if she had to and she wasn't going to willingly do it ever. She'd come up with a semi believable story once she really had no choice. But even without her response, he still went searching. Seeing the once white gauze all red and dripping, he became a little unnerved. He thought, maybe, she just had a tiny cut that opened when she hit him or something stupid like that, but that was so obviously not what it was. There shouldn't have been that much blood. Hesitantly, he went to examine it, pull at the tape that held the bandage to her skin, but she pulled back. She tried to snake her hand out of his hold and pull it closer, but his grip got tighter. He knew there was something there. He hoped he was wrong, but why else would she have been putting up any kind of fight? "I'm going to see. You might as well let me check it out." Still she tried, even knowing it was no use. She didn't come up with anything yet. She didn't want him to see. She didn't want anyone to see. No one was supposed to ever see.

"No. Puck. It's nothing." She was tired. She was sick of it all. Maybe she cut too deep. Maybe she didn't bandage it right. No matter what, she didn't want to show anyone, especially not him. Not him… But she honestly didn't care. She didn't care about anything. Sleep sounded so good right then. She just wanted to sleep; no, she wanted to rest. She just wanted a moment to rest; a moment where nothing else mattered, where she didn't feel so disgusting, and where she didn't have a million different thoughts running through her head. She just wanted a break. One simple break… And no one would give her that. Why wouldn't anyone give her that? Where was the relief from the relief? Just one good day… "I… I just hurt it… I… I cleaned it… It's fine…" He remained unconvinced. Hell, she was unconvinced.

"No, no it's not fine. You're bleeding. When did this happen?"

"Last night… Last night I was cutting up vegetables for dinner."

"I thought it happened this morning when you were making breakfast."

"What?" She asked confused. Had she said that? "Right. Yeah. Breakfast. That was what I said." He was even more confused and skeptical after that. "Cut it making breakfast." She just kept going with the lies. It didn't matter that she was caught; she just kept going.

And Puck was going to keep going too. He needed to see what there was to see. He needed to know even if he didn't want to. He saw the changes in her. He tried to ignore it, but there were signs. She wasn't her anymore, and that didn't change the whatever he felt for her. She was still important to him, still someone he didn't want to lose but didn't know how to hold on to… But he needed to know. He wanted to help. And to help, he needed to see what happened to the real Rachel Berry; his Rachel Berry. He wanted the cherry, opinionated, outspoken, talented, beautiful, perfect woman she was before whatever happened. He wanted her back. What happened to her? His feelings may not have changed, but that didn't mean he didn't want the original Berry instead of the distant, colder, weirder version she became.

All that aside, he just wanted to help her. The first step to that was stopping the bleeding and cleaning the cut. He wanted to know how it really happened. Obviously, he wasn't getting a straight answer. It felt like even she didn't know the answer. Keeping a firm grasp on her arm that she kept trying to take back, Puck searched for the tape edges. Finding them, covered in blood as well, he tore it off. He was tender, like moving too fast or too hard would break her, and he didn't want to break her. It was really a good thing the sight of blood didn't gross him out, because it was everywhere then.

If there was one thing he was sure of as he saw the fresh wound and its accompanying friends, it did not happen while cooking. No, it was too deep, too raw, and too deliberate. There were scars. It happened before. "Jeez Berry. What the hell is this shit?" He was upset, hurt and angry. Had she done this to herself? Did she not feel she could come to him so she hurt herself? He wanted to yell at her, to scream, to be angry, but all he could do was, as calmly as he could muster, ask, "Did you do this to yourself?" She looked away from him, pretending not to hear him. Saying yes was admitting defeat. Saying no was a lie. And while she wasn't opposed to lying, she didn't want to lie to him anymore. It wasn't a feeling she was used to. Normally, spouting lies was like a pastime. It was second nature, but she didn't want to lie to him. She would, and she had, but she didn't want to. So she said nothing. There was nothing she could say. He'd form his own theories and come up with his own conclusions. Nothing she said would deter that. So what was the point? What was the point of anything?

"Puck… Noah…"

"No, no Rachel. I need an answer!" He said as he started applying pressure to her injury. He needed to clean it and try to stop or at least slow the bleeding before rebandaging. He gave a mental thanks to his mom for sending him to a first aid class at the Jewish Community Center when she couldn't afford a babysitter and she had two jobs to work. His mother may not have been to his games or glee competitions, but she was there when it counted, but that was a reflection for another time. Then it was about Rachel and what Rachel was possibly doing to herself. "That cut… The one on your leg that I saw when we were… That wasn't from dancing was it? You did that too?"

"I didn't do anything." She insisted, but there was no conviction behind her words.

He was struggling then, both physically and mentally. Physically, he couldn't do much. He didn't know much about medicine, but he knew that much blood wasn't normal or healthy. His anatomy sucked too, but he knew a cut that deep on her wrist wasn't safe. It was dangerous, and that much blood made it that much more dangerous. And he couldn't help. He didn't know exactly how to help. "I need to take you to the hospital." He said as he wrapped up the cut tightly trying still to slow the bleeding. "I think you need stitches. How long has this been bleeding?"

"No hospital."

"Rachel, I can't help you and you need help."

"No help Puck. I'm fine. You should go."

"I'm not going anywhere!" He yelled. "I'm staying right here with you; to help you."

"I. Don't. Want. Your. Help. I don't need it. I'm fine. It's just a cut."

"No it's not! Your arm is covered in cuts and scars Berry! That's not you being ok!"

"It's none of your business!"

"Yes it is! It is my business because…"

"Because why? Why is it your business?"

"Because Rachel… Because I… I like, I lo… I care about you. I care about you a lot and I haven't always shown it. I used to bully you and I'm sorry that I did. I'm sorry about a lot of things, but the truth is that I care about you. So that makes this my business." The angry looks on their faces immediately turned to confusion. He was confused as to why he ever said anything like that and she was confused that she actually ever heard anything like that. They didn't understand completely that their feelings for each other had grown. If they weren't so consumed by everything else in their lives, they would've realized it sooner. It was always more than sex. They were friends; more than friends, and they really did care, maybe even love, each other. And they realized they were feeling something a long time ago; months ago, but they never realized just how much they were feeling or what it really was. And there were always more important things to focus on. Even then, they weren't ready to admit to anything. There'd be no copping to anything or great declarations of love in the middle of their argument, but there was this unspoken promise that they were there for each other. That had to mean something. "It is my business."

Rachel didn't know what to say. Puck didn't know what else to say. There was a lot of silence. They just stared when they should've been talking. They should've been getting her out of there and taking her to the hospital. They should've been getting her real help. Instead, they were silent. They were doing nothing but looking at each other like the answers were in their gazes. But they weren't. Rachel was still bleeding. Puck was still Puck. Rachel was still completely messed up. And Puck was still lost. So they did nothing.

And as the silence took them over, oblivious to everything else, Casey and Shelby were on their way home. More than that, they were making their way into the house. And, if they were so much as minutes earlier, they would've heard a lot more than they bargained for; a whole other issue would've been exposed. It needed to be exposed to them, but it wouldn't be then and it wouldn't be that easy. They already missed a chance. By skipping around the journal, they missed vital pieces of information; the cutting being just a fraction of it all. And they really weren't even prepared for that. At least, Shelby wasn't prepared. She wasn't prepared for any of it.

"So you're sure about this right?" Shelby asked her sister.

"Yes. Mark and I have discussed this. He was given the offer and it's more money and a better job title. And we'd be closer to you and the kids. I want that. I want to be here, especially now with everything going on. As long as you're ok with it, I'm going to tell him to take the job. We're moving to Lima."

"Good. We haven't been as close as we could've been for the past few years, but you always show up when I need you. And I need you now. My daughter needs you now and you're the only one of us that she seems to talk to. So I'm glad you're moving here. And I'm happy that you're staying with us until Mark comes and you find a house of your own."

"I love you too Shelby." Casey said with a smile.

"Come on." Shelby started as she turned the car off, suddenly more somber. "Let's get inside and make sure she's ok so we can have one more good day with Rachel before all hell breaks loose." Shaking her head, she continued, "If she ever finds out about the journal…"

"Then she finds out, and she'll be mad. She'll be furious and won't want to talk to us. We'll be stuck living with the cold shoulder and she'll do whatever she can just to piss us off, but it will be ok. It will be ok because we'll know we did what we had to do. We'll know we did everything we possibly could to help her. And one day, she'll understand that. One day, she won't be living in this world of psychosis and voices telling her not to eat and to exercise every minute of every day, and she'll see that we're the reason why. So it's going to hurt us. It's going to hurt her, but one day… One day she'll thank us. She'll be better, she'll thank us, and it will be all worth it."

"And if she doesn't think so? If she doesn't thank us?"

"Then it will still be worth it. She could never forgive us. As long as she lives through the demons, it will be worth it."

Shelby hesitated. Getting out of the car and walking through the front door meant facing reality. Outside those four walls with Casey and Beth, it was all just an idea; it was all just a possibility. But facing Rachel, looking into her eyes and searching for the truth made it a reality. Shelby wasn't ready for that. She wasn't ready to face it. She wasn't ready to admit she was a failure as a mother, as a caretaker, and as a human being. She missed it. She didn't see it. Or worse, she did. She saw it and did nothing because she didn't' want to see it. "I guess we should go in."

Casey reached her hand over the gear shift and gently placed it on Shelby's leg and squeezed. "We'll figure it out. We'll do everything we can. Rachel has us now."

"Let's do this…"

"Let's do this."

Pulling Beth from her car seat, they made their way into the house, walking right into unknown tension. They made small talk and did the sisters thing, completely unaware of the secrets being held upstairs; completely unaware of Puck and Rachel's intense stare down… Just completely oblivious to the other sides of the problem. They just went on about their day, hoping to have one last good one, one last day of naivety, one last day where their relationship, their whole family dynamic, wasn't about fixing Rachel. They didn't want things to change, not for the worse, but they were expecting it too. And, they wanted to do everything they could to her, but they needed to figure things out and they didn't want to do too much too fast because that would be just as bad as doing nothing at all. They had so many things to figure out and so many things they'd need to get right, but they were looking forward to one last good day before the storm front rolled in. One good day…

"Do you think Rachel will want to help us cook or should we just order in?"

Casey looked to Shelby with pointed eyes. Did she not grasp the concept? "I don't think it matters."

"It matters to me. She matters to me. And I know that this is harder on her and she just doesn't get it yet, but it's hard on me too. And I don't know what's right and I don't know what's wrong, but I have to try. I have to try to make things normal. I need to see… I… I need to see it for myself. I need to really watch her eat to fully believe it. I need to… I need to see it." Shelby was near tears, allowing the weight of the revelation to hit her slowly. Piece by tiny piece, it was all hitting her and it was starting to feel like too much. She ignored it for too long and it was definitely catching up with her. Casey would do whatever she could to cushion the fall, but there would still be a heavy impact.

"Ok Shelby, please relax." Casey moved toward Shelby and comforted her, made Shelby look to her and did what she could to make things lighter. There wasn't really much she could do because she was feeling it too. "Let's get everything set up. We'll put the groceries away and get what we need out. Then we'll get her. I know you're scared, but we'll keep an eye on her." With a small, faint smile, Casey nodded and said, "Let's just get through the night."

"One day at a time?"

"One day at a time." Going about their business, they set up for the movie night they had planned. The first thing Casey checked was the breakfast she made which remained uneaten and the note seemed unmoved. "She didn't eat it."

"What?"

"It doesn't look like she even came down here."

"What do you mean?"

"The note is exactly where we left it and the food is stale."

Without so much as a peep, Shelby took a calming breath to try and push away the thoughts. After everything she learned, it was hard not to read too much into it, but she was doing her best. "Rachel, we're home." She called from the bottom of the stairs. She wanted to do more. She wanted to drag Rachel into the kitchen by her ears and force feed her everything she could possibly find, but she couldn't do that. She had to play her cards right and that meant staying in control of herself and keeping her emotions in check.

Just up those stairs, Puck and Rachel were still in the battle of the eyes, unsure of what to say, what to do, or where to go next. They only looked and let the feelings settle. Rachel was scared and confused. She didn't want to be doing that. She didn't want to talk. She didn't want help. She didn't want anything. And Puck was so un-Puck. He was thinking about feelings and caring about someone else. It was weird and something he wasn't accustomed to, but he kind of liked it. That… that freaked him out. Was that how normal people felt? Did he want to feel that? At that moment, he really didn't care. What he did care about was helping Rachel whether she wanted it or not. He was going to find out what exactly happened and help her even if it was against her will. Santana and he, they had suspicions, but the cuts, they weren't part of the theory. And he ignored the original theory, although he was starting to question its validity; obviously he wasn't seeing the truth of it all, but things were different. He may not know the whole story or what happened, but he knew it wasn't good and he was going to see it through. He'd be her rock, even if she didn't allow him to be.

There could be no more staring. He snapped out of his trance once he realized she was still bleeding and still weak. She still needed help and he was the only helper. "You need help Rachel. Let me help."

"Pu…"

"I will not let you bleed to death. That's too much blood. Most days I'm an idiot but I know that's not right. You have to know that too."

"Puck, Noah…"

"Rachel, we're home!" The voice, the unexpected voice, broke their reverie.

"Crap." She swore. She didn't want them home yet.

"Shit Berry." They were both panicking.

"You have to go." She wanted to go with him. She was tired and weak and in no state to be dealing with the drama that was Shelby Corcoran. By the sound of her voice, she wasn't in a happy "leave Rachel alone" mood. And Rachel was in no place to deal with any of it. Puck could see that. Rachel could feel that, yet no one was really doing anything.

"I'm not leaving you. I'll just have to tell Shelby."

"What?!" She nearly yelled. "No!"

"Rachel!" Damn her mother…

"No Puck, you can't." She moved closer to him, using all her strength to get on her knees and move closer. She'd grovel if she had to. And being near tears never hurt in like situations. "You said you care. If… if you care about me, if you really care, you won't say anything. You wouldn't say anything. You can't. Please, you can't."

"Rachel, I have to…"

"Rachel! If you don't answer me, I'm coming up there!"

"You have to go. I'm going to be in enough trouble as it is since I didn't answer. If she finds you here I'm dead. Please Noah, please… Don't tell and just go."

"Come with me."

"What?"

"Do you trust me?"

"Noah, what does trust have to do with anything?"

"Do you trust me?"

"Uh… mm, yeah?"

"Yeah?"

"Yes, I trust you."

"Then come with me. I know someone that can help without taking you to the hospital and don't say you don't need help because you do. And you only have two choices here. You can come with me and hopefully my friend will help, or I wait here, holding my hand over your cut until Shelby comes in here and sees and completely freaks out and takes you to the hospital, or I can just take you to the hospital. So that's three choices really, but the last two end the same. You pick."

"That's not… That's not fair Noah." She whined.

"Doing this isn't fair." He said pointing out her self-inflicted wounds.

"I'm tired. I'm tired and all I want to do is sleep. I don't want to go with you. I don't want to fight with her. I just want to sleep. Please let me sleep."

"No. Come with me or I get Shelby. Or we can wait for her. She already called for you, she'll be up here soon and she'll open the door and she'll look at all the blood on us and think I hurt you and probably kill me, but hey, that's what you want."

Her eyes shifted as she panicked. She could hear Shelby calling again. Puck was starring at her with disapproving eyes expecting some kind of answer. What if she didn't have an answer? What if she didn't have an out? She had to have an out. She could dissuade Puck, but Shelby seeing her like that… It was a big no-no; a big one. Her eyes shifted from him to the door; the door she anticipated Shelby breaking through. Her heart was racing, her mind was scattered, and her body was frail, but she still wasn't stupid. She needed and out and Puck was the better choice. "Ok. Ok. Get me out of here. No telling her. Do what you have to do, but get me out of here without Shelby or Casey finding anything out. I trust you Noah." She had to trust him. There was no one else to trust but him.

"Good." He said before springing into action. He handed her a piece of paper telling her to write a note saying something; saying anything that Shelby would believe. She did and he taped it to her door so they knew it'd be seen. And as he did that for her, he heard Shelby practically running up the stairs obviously worried and in search of answers.

"She's going to kill me you know? I'm going to get in trouble for this. And how are we even going to get out of here? She's going to walk in and see everything and I'm never going to be allowed to leave the house. Do you want that?"

"Honestly, I don't care. Right now all I care about is getting you help."

"I don't…"

"Yeah, yeah, you don't need help. But you said you trust me, so trust me."

A knock on the door stilled them. They shut their mouths and kept from moving. "Rachel are you in there?" Shelby knocked again opting then to try the handle. The knob jiggled and they both watched not sure if Rachel locked it or not. Luckily for them, it was locked and after a few extra jiggles, Shelby's descending footsteps could be heard. The stomping made it clear she was not happy. Rachel was half expecting her cell phone to ring right then and there and an angry voicemail to be left when she didn't answer.

"You should still go."

"Trust me Rachel. Let me help you."

"Fine." She wasn't giving in, not by any means, but she wanted out of that house. She wanted out of it all for just a little while and Puck was offering her that. Plus, she was confidant she could persuade him to take her somewhere that didn't involve other people or prying questions. "How do you propose we get out of here?"

"The same way I usually get in?"

"Is that a question?"

"No, no, we're going out the window. I promise to take care of you." She was frustrated and he was really trying. He made sure her cut was wrapped up tight and clean, forcing her to hold a cloth over it with a little pressure just to be extra cautious. He made sure she was safe and all he wanted to do was be there for her. He wanted to talk, which he knew wasn't normal for him, but he wanted to talk to her about the baby they lost and the things in their lives. He just wanted to… he wanted to be with her. How weird was that?

Getting out of the house, although she was a participant, felt like a foggy afternoon where she was just sitting in the cloudiest area watching everything happen without ever being a part of it. She felt like a spectator to her life. And that was ok. She didn't want to feel anything or be a part of anything then. The fog was good. If only it could consume her… Make her disappear… The point was that she wasn't sure how she got there, but Puck got them safely out of the window, away from the house, and into his car without getting caught.

All she could think as they drove to who knew where, was that she must've really cut deep and all the exertion and hitting must've really done a number on it because she was already bleeding through the white of the gauze again. But it didn't bother her. She actually liked the light headed feeling that came with losing so much blood and she liked the stinging feeling she got when she put pressure on it. She loved it actually; enjoyed it and welcomed it. She wanted more of it. And it didn't bother her that she could die. She'd welcome that too; the relief of it all… It would be a permanent solution for all the feelings she didn't want to be feeling. Was it wrong that she felt that way? It didn't feel wrong. In fact, it felt… It felt so right. The thought gave her peace… No more sadness. No more pain No more bullying and torture. Just no more… No more anything… That was all she wanted; all she strived for. Shouldn't she just give in? She had been fighting it and fighting it. But was that still what she wanted? Wasn't it time to just accept that things weren't getting better?

"What are you thinking about?" He disturbed her thoughts.

"What?" Did he say something?

"What are you thinking about? You look like you're lost in your head."

"Maybe I am."

"So where are you?"

"Can we go somewhere? Can we just drive to Roosevelt Park? That seems like a good place to go." They seemed to both like it there.

"Yeah Berry, let's just let you bleed to death so we can go to the park and look at all the still dead flowers."

"They were pretty dead last time we went and that didn't seem to bother you."

"You weren't bleeding then."

"And I'm fine now."

"No!" She looked at him confused. Why was he yelling? "No Rachel, just no. We're going where we're going and that's that."

"And where is it that we're going?"

"Just… Just shut up Rachel. I'm trying here. I'm trying to be the good guy, the guy you deserve. But right now you're making it really hard. I mean… Shit Berry. Just shit…" He had the right to feel however he felt and he was seething. He was feeling things, and, on some level, he knew she was feeling things too. Then he learned about the baby that never would be and it was all just piling up. There was so much to deal with without… without the possibility of Rachel actually hurting herself. His Rachel was hurting herself… Why? Why do that? Why would she… How could she? "We're going and that's that. So just… Just shut up."

She wanted to say something; to come up with some witty, very Rachel like retort, but she didn't. She said nothing. She really didn't have anything to say. It was best she just remain silent and, for once, she just listened to that instinct and filtered herself. There was nothing to say anyway. Whatever he was feeling, she was feeling too. Only difference was that she was making herself feel worse. She had no idea what was really going on in his head, but she could only assume that he was mad at her because she killed their baby. Sure, he said he wasn't, but Puck actually was a nice guy and he was just being him, trying to make it ok for her. But she knew the truth. She knew he wasn't ok with any of it. Or… or was he happy it was gone? She knew what he said, she heard him, but she didn't believe him. She barely even believed herself most days. And, really, that wasn't what she should've been worried about right then.

They looked like a crime scene and she really didn't care. That's what she should've been worried about. They were driving to an undisclosed location for undisclosed reasons. That she should've been worried about. But she wasn't. She wasn't worried about anything. She didn't care about much. She just was. And he didn't know what to make of it. He wasn't sure what he was seeing in her, but he did know it wasn't good.

None of it was good. So he just drove. He tried not to think but he thought it all, and he drove.

Back at the house, Shelby was less than thrilled with what she found. A note… Really? There were rules. They were there for a reason. And she was the mom. She was the mom! That at least deserves a phone call and the ability to deny permission. But no, she got a note. A stupid, stupid note attached to a door, a locked door, left to let her know that her daughter would be out. There was no asking. There was no telling of who, what, when, or where. It was just a note.

Shelby,

Went out with my friends, but will return before curfew. Tell Casey it was good to meet her and I hope to see her soon.

Rachel

That was the note. What kind of note was that? Where was her asking for permission or, at the very least, telling her where she'd be and with whom. It was unacceptable; even more so since she learned all she learned. Who knew what Rachel was really doing? There was a lack of trust there that had gradually been building with Rachel's rebellion, but after learning and trying to accept that there was more at play, it became more about fear than trust. She didn't want Rachel out of her sight. Things could happen. More things could happen while she wasn't looking and she couldn't accept that. She couldn't allow that to happen. But seeing just a note and not even a call made her forget all of that for a second and just made her mad.

"Where's Rachel?" Casey asked as Shelby came into the living room.

Holding up the note and waving it around she answered, "She says she was happy to meet you and that she'll miss you."

"Ok?"

"She wasn't there."

"What do you mean she wasn't there? What is that?"

"Oh, this? Well this, this is my daughter telling me she went out with friends. I assume it's her way of getting out of hearing the word no or, or something, but she is out with friends; which friends, I don't know, but she's out. She knew you were leaving today and even though you're not now, she didn't know that."

"You're upset?"

"Yes I'm upset."

"You're worried."

"Of course I am."

"Maybe it's a good thing. If she's with friends, at least she's not out running or exercising or doing something to make everything worse. I mean, they're a bunch of glee kids. How much trouble could they get into?"

"You'd think."

"Did you try calling?"

"I wanted to give myself a minute. So I paced my room a bit before coming down here. I'm going to call her now."

"Do it, I'll give you some space. Beth wants some Auntie time anyway."

Once Casey left the room, Shelby dialed Rachel's number. There was no answer, not even the second time or the third. A forth seemed pretty stupid, so she decided to try someone else. She said she was with friends, so that meant Kurt. "Hello?"

"Kurt, it's Shelby."

"Oh, uh, what can I do for you?"

"Is Rachel with you? She's not answering her phone and I wanted to check in with her."

"Rachel, with me?" He answered nervously. "Um, yeah, she… She just went to the bathroom to wash up. Uh, lunch got a little messy." That was the best lie he could come up with. He didn't want his friend to get in trouble; he just wished she told him he was being used as a cover. And he would make it his mission to get all the details out of her the next time he saw her. He thought it better be juicy. "I uh… I can tell her you called."

"No, that's ok. She'll know I called. I left messages." She didn't want to panic while on the phone. Every time Rachel went to the bathroom after a meal, even just hearing about it, she'd panic. She'd think the worst and know it was a possibility. So she just wanted off the phone and returned to her sister.

"What'd Rachel have to say?" No answer. "Shelby? Shelby what is it?" She asked in concern. She didn't like the look on her sister's face. "Did something happen?"

"I don't want it to be like this."

"What do you mean?"

"I couldn't get a hold of her."

"Ok…"

"My thoughts immediately went to, 'What if she lied and went running and is lying in a ditch somewhere'."

"Shel…"

"And then I call her friend and he said she was there with him."

"That's great. Did you talk to her?"

"He told me she was in the bathroom and, and I wanted to panic. Is it always going to be like that? Am I always going to think like that? Worry about that?"

"Yes, probably. Mothers worry. That's a fact. And with Rachel, you have more reason. Hopefully, hopefully it won't always be that bad, but you don't stop worrying. I know it's new with Rachel. You thought you'd only have to worry about Beth but it's worse when they're older. There's less control. I worry about Danny every day and he's an adult off at college living his life."

"Ugh…" She groaned. "What am I supposed to do?"

"Maybe it's a good thing that Rachel went out."

"Yeah? Why?"

"It gives us some time to talk about what we do next."

"And what do we do?"

"I don't know."

"That's great." Shelby said as she sunk into the couch next to Casey and leaned her head on her sister's shoulder. "Maybe you should tell me what mom said."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah."

"Ok, but let's be clear so you don't get mad. I told her it was a friend of Rachel's and a student of yours that you were worried about."

"I'm listening."

"Good. She told me that…" Casey and Shelby discussed everything their mother said from advice to words of wisdom and chastising quips. There was a lot to digest, but their mother successfully, in their opinion, raised two daughters and her words were something they needed to trust in. Even so, it was going to be a difficult road and they had a lot more to figure out before they even began to help Rachel. They just wanted one more good day. One more…

Before that, though, they needed ideas. They needed a plan. And as worried as they were about Rachel and as upset as they were at her for just leaving, they needed the time alone knowing she was safe with Kurt to make those plans and figure out where to go from there. That one good day would have to wait.

Just more than fifteen minutes away from the Corcoran household, Puck pulled into a less than familiar driveway. "Where are we?" Rachel mumbled. She wanted to sleep or pass out, whichever came first, though she didn't want to do that in front of him, but the car ride and silence wasn't helping the urge.

"Just stay here. Don't move. Don't go anywhere." Puck demanded as he undid the seatbelt and opened his door.

"Where would I go? I look like I just walked out or a bad fight scene and I don't know where we are." He ignored the snotty sarcastic tone of her voice and got out of the car, stopping and turning to her one last time.

"And don't fall asleep."

"Why not?"

"I may not have taken you to a hospital, but I'm not letting you die either."

"I'm not dying and I'm not going to die."

"You don't know that. That cut was deep. You could be bleeding to death right now."

"But I'm not."

"We don't have time for this. Just shut up and stay here until I come get you. You better hope she's here." He slammed his door shut and approached the house leaving a confused Rachel behind. She had questions, but she didn't care to find the answers to them. If she was stronger, she probably would've gotten up and walked away, but she wasn't and she didn't know where she was, so she was stuck there. And she'd wait. She figured she owed him that much.

Puck was reeling, confused, hurt and angry, but he had to pull himself together. There was no time to process the baby or the situation really, he just had to get to the door and convince her to help. Yeah, he just had to be his charming self and get Rachel help without taking her to the hospital. Although, he really should've taken her to the hospital. Instead, he took her to a friend of his mother; a friend that happened to be a doctor which helped, but she wasn't a hospital.

Reaching the door, he began knocking fervently. He needed her to be home and he needed her to answer. "Come on, come on, come on." Nothing could happen to Rachel. He needed her to be ok for glee, for Shelby, for Beth, but mostly for him. He needed her. He needed Rachel in his life even if he only got her sometimes. He'd take her however he could get her. And the feeling was mutual. Rachel wasn't completely aware of it and she denied herself most feelings, but she needed him too.

"Noah? What's going on? What are you doing here?"

"Dr. D, I am so glad you're home." He rushed out.

"How have you been Noah? What's going on?"

"I'm good. Ma's good. I need your help."

"Is it drugs?" She said disapprovingly. "Your mother was always worried you'd get into that. They're a slippery slope."

"It's, it's not drugs. It's not even me." The doctor could read his authenticity clearly. It wasn't drugs, but he had yet to tell her why he was there; why he showed up at her house when they, personally, hadn't had more than a few words exchanged in over a year.

"Do you want to come in? I'll get you something to drink get you to calm down a little." A little courtesy tended to go a long way. Maybe that would get him to tell her what he needed. But then she noticed the stain. "Are you bleeding Noah?"

"Actually my friend… She's in the…" He pointed to the car. "There was a lot of blood and she's pale and she said no hospital. I… She needs your help."

Nodding and worried, the woman waved and said, "Bring her in."

"Thank you." He said before rushing to the car to get Rachel. Immediately, he was met with resistance. She fought him on it, not wanting the help and not wanting to walk into a situation she couldn't control. She didn't know this doctor woman person.

"I'm not going in there." Rachel insisted.

"Yes you are. Come on, I'm going to pick you up."

"I can walk."

"Last time you tried that you almost fell over and we don't really want to do that again. Do we?"

"I hate you." She practically whimpered as he took her into his arms.

"You love me and my hot body."

He carried her in and Dr. D directed him to sit her at the table. Once Rachel was situated, still unhappy about it all and making that perfectly clear, Dr. D, who less formally introduced herself as Del short for Delilah, sat adjacent Rachel to examine the damage. It looked like a mess. From the doctor's perspective, with the blood all over the shirt, on Noah too, she'd assume there was a lot of carnage, but she only saw one bandage. "Let me see." Del said to the girl.

"I, I'm fine. Really." Rachel was holding back tears, trying with all she had to give off this nonchalant façade, but it wasn't working. She didn't want anyone else to see. Puck was bad enough, but this woman… She didn't even know her.

"Please let me see your arm Rachel." She sighed. The older woman, graying blonde hair and shining blue eyes, saw nothing but sadness in the frail little child before her. That was what Rachel looked like; a child with once bright eyes that dulled with the pressures and hardships life bestowed upon her. "There's a lot of blood on you Rachel. Please just let me check it out." Still, Rachel wouldn't let her. She couldn't do that. She really couldn't. "Noah, you remember the guest room you used when you were younger and stayed over when I watched you right?" He nodded. "There's a blue bag and a first aid kit in the closet. Go get it please." When he left the room, Del moved closer to Rachel. "You look really pale Rachel. I think you might need stitches, but I won't know if I can't see it."

Couldn't she just bleed out in peace? That wasn't her initial intention; it was just a release, but if that was what it turned out to be, the end, she would've been ok with that. Why was there so much concern? She wasn't concerned. She was fine. "I don't need that. I'm fine."

"You're not fine. Are you light headed?"

"No."

"Don't lie Rachel." Puck surprised them both. He ran there and back so fast they didn't expect him. "She almost passed out twice already."

"I am fine."

"I don't think so Rachel. Let me see your arm or I'll be forced to call an ambulance. Lightheadedness isn't a good sign and I think I can help you without going to the hospital, but you need to let me see."

"Please Rachel. Let her help. She's a good friend of my ma and she knows what she's doing." Puck coaxed her, gliding his hand over hers until it was in Del's hand. After that, Rachel just had to give in. her hand, really her life and secret, was in this stranger's hand,

Trepidation, anguish, diminished everything… That was what she was feeling as her hand was examined. She didn't want to look at the woman's face. She knew. She knew that Del knew something. Even the caring doctor's touch and the kind words weren't soothing. Rachel was still sure doctors were not her friend and that wasn't going to change then. "How did this happen?" And there it was. Both teens looked away. Her penetrating eyes focused on Rachel waiting for an answer. When it became clear there wasn't going to be an answer and definitely not an honest one, she shifted to Puck. "Noah?"

"She uh…" That look. It was the same look his mom gave him when she knew he did something wrong. "She got cut while cooking." That was her story and he cared too much not to stick to it.

"Right." Del did a basic exam on Rachel. She was bleeding and bleeding a lot, but it looked like something she could help. She directed Rachel to keep her hand still as she went into her bag and pulled out an IV and suture kit. Always be prepared right? "Ok Rachel. Here's what I'm going to do. I work at a hospital and I believe in being prepared in emergency, so I have everything I need to help you. I'm going to put this needle in your arm to hydrate you and pump fluids into your body. You're pale, but something tells me that it's more than just the bleeding that's causing that. Then I'm going to numb the area, I don't have what we use at the hospital so you'll still feel a little, but you'll be ok. It'll be numb and then I'll close it up."

"You don't… you don't have to."

"Unless you want to go to the hospital, I suggest you let me do this." Rachel couldn't argue with that. The hospital was the last thing she wanted. Like the last time, Shelby would be called and then things would go from bad to worse, and they were already pretty bad. There was no way she was in a mind frame capable of handling that. So she'd allow her to do what needed to be done to avoid that.

Del placed the needle in Rachel's arm and elevated the bag of fluids for optimal use. The stitches didn't take too long and she properly bandaged her arm. The wrapping wasn't too conspicuous. If Shelby happened to see it, which Rachel figured she would, she could say she sprained it while out with friends; a bowling injury. The ball was just too heavy and she got hurt. That was plausible, right?

Believable or not, that shouldn't have been what she was thinking about. She was hooked up to an IV, wound was dressed, and she was lying on the couch as directed. She was being force fed high iron foods and told to relax. How could she relax? "Eat this." The elder woman instructed. "The iron will help and you look like you could use a little nourishment." She stood firm with arms crossed in a very disciplinarian kind of way making it clear that Rachel was going to do whatever she said. "Noah, we're going to let her rest. You are coming with me."

"But Dr. D…"

"With me Noah."

"I'll be back Rachel. Just do what she says." It was weird that simple words, nothing even remotely helpful, were comforting; knowing he'd be back was comforting. She didn't understand it. Maybe she didn't want to. It felt like a good thing. It could be a good thing, or a terrible thing. It was something to figure out later.

Del took Puck aside. There were things to discuss. "Sit Noah."

"Ok." He grew up with this woman. He knew he could trust her, but he also knew that she was close to his mother and that she had this control over him like his mother did.

"What is wrong with that girl?"

"What do you mean? She's fine."

"How did she really hurt herself?" He looked a little guilty. He wanted to tell her the truth. Maybe she could help Rachel, but he couldn't do that; not to her.

"Just like I told you, it was an accident."

"Were you there for this accident?"

"Well no, but…"

"Noah, this is serious. I noticed other cuts on her as well.'

"I saw them too." He said quietly.

"Is she your girlfriend?"

"What? No, no she's a friend."

"But you care about her?"

"I guess. What does that have to do with anything?"

"Over the years I've noticed that my patients' parents always want to believe the best. The loved ones always have to have hope. And that's great, but sometimes, it clouds their judgment. They can't see what's right in front of them because they don't want to see it so they go into a denial stage. That's kind of what you're doing right now."

"No it's not."

"Yes it is. She is hurting. I'm sure she has been through a lot and she's just trying to deal with it. Think about it. Why didn't she want to go to a hospital when she so clearly needed to?"

"She didn't want her mom to know." He was quick to defend her.

"Is her mother abusive? A bad parent?"

"Well… no. They're just not on the best of terms most days."

"Do you think she's ok?"

"Yes." She gave a stern look. "No. Maybe. I don't know. She could be ok."

"You want to help her. I can see that, so help her. Get that girl some help Noah. She listens to you. Talk to her. Get her to open up. Tell her mother or father. Tell a teacher. Get someone you know and trust to help her. Just get her help. And get her to eat something. She's much too thin."

"Yeah, yeah I'll do that." He got up to walk away, but found himself stuck. "Do you really think she's doing this to herself?" He thought it, but he needed someone else to say it or he couldn't believe it. "Hurting herself?"

"There is no doubt in my mind that that wound was self inflicted." She moved closer to him soothing him with her tone. "She's hurting and it's dangerous. Next time she might not let you help her, and she could die. One day she will cut too deep and there might not be anyone around to help her." All he could do was nod. What else was he supposed to do? "Give me her full name and number and I'll talk to her family. They should know about this. They should get her treatment."

"Uh… No, no… I'll handle it." Treatment? Did that mean she was going to be put away? He didn't like juvie and he imagined a mental hospital to be a lot like that. He didn't want her to experience that; to be subjected to that. No, he wasn't going to tell Shelby; not unless he had to. "I'll, I'll talk to her mother when I bring her home."

"Promise me Noah."

"I," don't, "promise."

"Once the IV is done, take her home get her tucked into her own bed, alone, or on the couch. Make sure she rests and keeps hydrated over the next few days. Keep an eye on her."

"I will."

"When you tell her family, tell her parents they can call me anytime. You have my number. And tell someone to stay with her tonight. Let's go see her and I'll tell you what to look out for and what to stay away from for the next few days."

"Thank you for helping Del. And I know it's a lot to ask, but please don't tell ma. Rachel's not going to want anyone else to know and I owe her that."

"I won't tell your mother Noah. This girl seems good for you. Take care of her. Get her help and be there for her."

"I will. I told you I would."

"Let's go check on our patient."

The two of them returned to Rachel who was resting comfortably, though anxiously too. Del explained to them what to look out for, what symptoms and signs they needed to look out for and go to the hospital if they saw. She warned Rachel to stay away from alcohol, aspirin, and tea, anything that thins the blood. She doled out the limitations and explained not to get it wet. And as the last of the fluid seeped into Rachel's system, she took it out and said, "On Monday, one week from tomorrow, come see me after school. I'm sure Noah would be happy to drive you over."

"Course, Rach and I will be there."

"Ok kids. It's getting late and you need rest. Noah, take her home and both of you remember what I told you. If you have questions, don't hesitate to call."

"Thank you so much for your help. I appreciate it so much." Rachel kindly said, although she wasn't sure if she was actually grateful.

"Thanks Dr. D." Puck added.

"Take care of yourselves. And Noah," she said quietly, "take care of her." He nodded and escorted Rachel out. They were quiet again. They couldn't sort their emotions and couldn't figure out what to say. There was no right or wrong and it wasn't black or white, but the grey wasn't very clear either. So it was quiet, for the most part.

"She calls you Noah."

"What?"

"You let her call you Noah."

"She's ma's friend. I grew up with her and her kids around. Like Ma, calling me Puck wasn't happening."

"You let me call you Noah."

"It's hot when you say it."

"I can't go back to Shelby's like this."

"Whatdya mean?"

"There's blood all over me and if she sees you there'll be all sorts of questions that I don't want to deal with."

"Alright, we'll stop at my house and you can take some of my sister's clothes. You're tiny. They'll fit. Then I'll take you back and I'll stay with you tonight."

"You don't have to do that."

"I have to do that."

"Do I have a choice?"

"No, we have to talk and you can either talk to me tonight or we can tell Shelby all about the stitches."

"I… I… just… just do it. We'll go to your house change and then go to Shelby's. You'll park at the end of the street and come in the way you usually do."

"Ok."

"Ok."

It took an hour for them to find something, change and get back to Shelby's. It felt like the day was never-ending. It was barely eight and it felt like it should've been Tuesday already. Puck did a drive by, stopping at the curb to let Rachel out, then parking in some random spot down the block. While Rachel was dealing with mother hen, he'd be sneaking his way onto the second floor.

Before going in, Rachel had to physically calm herself. Shelby was undoubtedly waiting for her. Her phone had like ten missed calls, all of which she ignored and didn't even check, but she knew most, if not all, were from her mo… her Shelby or Casey. She'd be ok if they were from Casey. With that many calls, Shelby was probably anxious to see her and, she assumed, yell at her. On top of that, she felt uncomfortable and exposed wearing someone else's clothes; clothes made for a twelve year old that were still a little baggy on her. The shirt sleeves barely covered her arm which was the most important thing at the time to hide the gauze and ace bandaged wrist. And it was still chilly outside so when Shelby saw that she was in a flimsy long sleeve shirt, she'd never hear the end of it. She didn't want to go through the door and she looked like an idiot just standing there at her own front door. Idiot… that was what she was and felt like most days.

She had to go in. Deep breath in and out and she opened the door hoping to tip toe her way up the stairs unnoticed. It was unlikely and not going to happen, but she had to believe it was a possibility. Though, that belief was short lived because as soon as she made it to the stairs, Casey was coming out of her room. "Rachel, you're back." Wait, Casey?

"Casey? I thought you left."

"If you didn't disappear earlier, you would've been home when we got back and you'd know that I'm staying. Mark's company is opening a new branch here and he's in charge of it. So, I'm staying here until we figure things out and find a house."

"That's… great." It was, wasn't it?

"Yeah, where were you anyway?"

"I'd like to know that too." Shelby appeared out of nowhere.

"Oh um… I just…" Her hand was hidden behind her back so that they couldn't see. "I went out with Kurt and his boyfriend."

"You left a note Rachel. That's not ok. I tried calling. We both tried calling and you didn't answer."

"I'm sorry. I, I thought I put my phone on charge last night and I did… and I didn't get the calls. I'm sorry." She may or may not have been sorry but she definitely wanted to get out of there. Her bed was calling to her.

"Where did you go?"

"We uh… We went out with some kids from Blaine's school. We went out for lunch and did some shopping, and then we went back to Blaine's house. There may have been some karaoke. And his mother is an excellent cook." If she was going to lie, she figured she might as well kill two birds with one stone; the food alibi was just as important. "Did you know Blaine's older brother is an actor? He was in that commercial you love so much."

"Really?"

"Yeah. I'll ask Blaine to get you an autograph, but right now, I want to take a shower and get ready for school in the morning. I have a few last minute things to take care of. Good night. I'm glad you're staying Casey." With a fake smile plastered on her face and some quick sneaky maneuvering of her arm, Rachel swiftly left the room.

"Oh, she so totally played you." Casey laughed.

"What?"

"You let her play you. You were all set on telling her that she broke the rules. You were angry and planning on having a talk with her. We had it all planned out and she played you."

"No she didn't."

"She did. She just conned her way out of here."

"No."

"Yes she did. She's good, sneaky. I like her."

"You would. She's like you. I always got caught. You did things you weren't supposed to all the time, but you never got caught."

"That's because I was the good one."

"Secretly, I think you were worse than I was."

"It's possible. But the point is you let her play you like a fiddle."

"I did."

"You did." Casey still smiled as she poked fun at Shelby. "Let her think she got away with it. We'll talk to her tomorrow. Talking to her now wouldn't do any good anyway. She has school in the morning, and she looked exhausted."

"Oh god, do you think she was lying? Where do you think she really went? What was she really doing?" Shelby panicked.

"Let's not think like that; not yet. One more good day… Let's stick with that. It has been pretty good so far. And it would've been better if Rachel was here, but we should hold onto that."

"One more good day? Ok." The sisters walked away together. They'd get through it, and they'd bring Rachel with them. They'd get her through it too; they were determined to.

Rachel, however, wasn't so sure she wanted to get through. Most of the time she just wanted to let go. That was what usually felt the best; a permanent escape. Who didn't want that? It was something she'd have to think about; something she was considering more than she probably should have been. But it seemed nice; like she'd finally be happy in the end with no more pain and no more suffering. It would all be over and she wouldn't have to feel as bad as she felt all the time. She'd beat the bullies. They'd feel guilty, maybe; she doubted it, but it was possible.

As she was entering her room, Puck was just closing the window. "You're way too good at that."

"Thanks."

"It really wasn't a compliment Noah. Prowess in the world of breaking and entering isn't something to aspire to."

"At least I'm good at something."

"You're good at a lot of things Noah. You just don't let yourself be."

"You're great too Berry. You used to know that."

"I don't know anything anymore." She mumbled.

"Hey, come here." Puck called her over and she obediently came. He wrapped her up in a hug holding her tight. He could see her breaking. A little at a time, he was losing her. The spark and shine of the star was fading and he didn't know how to stop it, but he had to try. There was a lot of trying going on. "Why don't you lie down for a while? I'll stay with you."

"I already told you that you don't have to."

"But I want to."

"Besides, I need to take a bath."

"Alright, I can help with that."

"Puck…"

"No, I mean, I'll get everything set up and you just find the clothes you're going to wear after." It sounded stupid, but it was all he could really do right then. He couldn't magically make anything better and she wouldn't really let him do much, but he could do that. He could do the menial things that she shouldn't have been doing given the situation. He just wanted to help like he promised he would. He wanted to be there for her and he would.

"That's sweet Noah, but really, you should go."

"I'm staying and that's that, so shut up and let me help."

"Ok."

Puck set her up in the best bath he ever made for anyone. And once she was done and dressed, he took care of her however he could; making sure she didn't get the stitches wet and wrapping it up once again when she was dry, and he held her as she laid in bed. He just held her like she needed to be held and like he needed to feel her. And when Shelby knocked on the door to check on her, he hid as Rachel pretended to be asleep, locking the door as she left and climbing back into bed with her. They both lay on their sides, Puck behind her pulling her back tight against his front, one arm under his head, the other over her body, unconsciously resting on her stomach where the baby they should've had would've been growing, thriving in her womb.

"Why'd you do it?" He broke the dark silence that took the room over.

"Do what?"

"Why'd you cut yourself? Did you try to kill yourself?"

"What?" Her heart was racing. "If, if I wanted to kill myself, I'd be dead." Truth… partial truth anyway…

"Was it because of the baby?"

"Yes. No. Maybe. No, I didn't do anything. It was an accident."

"No it wasn't Rachel. You took a knife or some sharp shit and you sliced open your own skin. I'm sorry about the baby and I'm sorry about your fathers, but I don't get it. How'd things get so bad? Why didn't you come to me? Why do that? Why cut yourself? Why did you do it then?"

"I… I just…" She sighed. The tears had been welling from the moment her head hit the pillow and the second Noah put a gentle hand upon her, but she stopped it. She didn't want to cry. "I just wanted some peace." She couldn't deny it anymore and she'd blame it on blood loss induced delirium if he ever brought it up again, but she was talking.

"Peace? How does that give you peace?" He wanted to sound angry, but he only sounded scared.

"I just wanted one good day. One good day… and doing that helped me. It made me forget."

"So it makes you feel better?" He didn't understand. "Hurting yourself makes you feel better?"

"It makes me feel better. And I needed one good day. There were so many bad ones. I needed one good one; just one good day."

Apparently, my not so busy time has been very busy. I apologize for my lack of timely updates, but I had very good reasons I'm sure no one really cares about. I truly appreciate the patience.

I apologize for any grammar and spelling errors. I hope you enjoyed this chapter. Until next time…

Guests (1) Shelby finally knows. I guess what's left is whether she'll completely believe it and what she does to handle it. And you're right, she has no idea how to handle it, and while Casey seems to have it all figured out, she doesn't. She's instrumental in it all, but she's just wining it too; doing her best to hold it together for everyone else. I think Puck knows the most. He knows about the cutting, he has a pretty good idea about the eating disorder, and he knows about the baby. So can he help? I guess we'll find out. Rachel has been suffering, but the road to recovery is long and arduous and full of suffering too. (2)Yes, it has been over a year. I used to update once every week, but as the chapters got longer and I started up another story, I had to go every two weeks. I'm glad you find that reasonable. I'm sorry I'm killing you slowly with my lack of updates. I really do try to be timely; it's just not always in the cards. And, while I don't hate Finchel. I don't like them very much either. Elephant dong… ha-ha. (3) Sorry I didn't update as quickly as I should have. But I hope you still enjoy the story. It's a long update so that has to make up for something. And, if you miss it, it makes you want it more when it comes… Absence makes the heart grow fonder.

CarolineSC Intense chapters are a specialty of mine. I love the good side of Puck, the Noah side. So, Rachel isn't quite ready to let him all the way in, but that's not going to stop him. You'll see that he wants to be there and he'll be grieving the baby with her. He just wants to help her. And Shelby had to read the bits of journal, but she couldn't read it all. She realized she had to because even if she didn't want to, she needed to know.

Ajunebuga I try to be as realistic as I can, so thank you for saying that. I try to put myself completely in Rachel's shoes, or whichever character, when I write. It's not always great for me mentally, but it's important to get the readers to identify with them. And I'm glad you can identify with her, I just hope you don't struggle with the same things she does. It's a tough battle.

crayolakid0413 That's a great compliment, thank you. I like to think my writing has improved over time and saying that each chapter is better than the last makes me feel great, so thanks again. As for Puck, he doesn't seem like the giving up kind of guy. Sometimes he knows when enough is enough, and he gives up on himself, but he doesn't seem to give up on others. So he wants to be there for Rachel, even more so after learning about the miscarriage. I liked the idea of Shelby and Casey knowing about, possibly, the worst most progressive portion of Rachel's issue, but still missing a big piece. It's all connected in some way so not knowing it all makes for better story. I have some good and not so good things planned.

sweetheart22 Thank you. I love the angst too. I'm still not sure why, but even when it's not intentionally, my stories always end up angsty. Puck and Rachel are my favorite, so I have plenty in store for them.

kitaleigh I'm sorry I made you wait. If it makes it better, there's a lot of Puckleberry this chapter and I think he's taking over a role that needed filling in Rachel's life. Does that make it better? More Puck and Rachel… the handling of the situation. So much is coming up…

anonymous1397 I'm happy you found this story and have enjoyed it so far. Writing this Rachel breaks my heart at times, but Puck is there for her now. Shelby will have her time eventually, hopefully. Casey is the most likely to get through to Shelby, but do you think Rachel will still trust her once she finds out they read the journal? But I do like Casey. I know most original characters aren't liked, but people seemed to respond to this one so I'll keep her around. So many people write Shelby and Rachel instantly bonding and forging right away. That wasn't realistic to me. In the midst of all her problems, I didn't see it in her heart to forgive someone who hurt and abandoned her so quickly. She isn't in the mind frame for much more than pretending to accept Shelby into her life. That's the extent of it. I also apologize for the wait, but hopefully it was worth it.

mysterywriter94 Most people don't respond to the readers and I didn't for most of the story, but I learned it made the readers feel appreciated and since I appreciate the readers it was only fair they, (you) feel appreciated too. I have so much in store for this story, so I hope you continue to read and enjoy.

Wandering1 Shelby did find out and she's going to want to help, but she has to fully accept it first and it will be an uphill battle. It's a process, but Shelby and Casey and Puck, and other characters will all be involved in it.