I do not own Glee, I only play with the characters and create others to play along.
Chapter 34: Back To School
"Did you think about what you want to say to her?" Casey asked as she sipped her coffee.
"There's a lot I want to say to her. There are so many questions I want to ask. I just don't know where to start. How do I ask her if she's bulimic or go about saying, in a way that wouldn't scare her off, that she needs to put on some weight? I can't come right out and ask her. She'd deny it and I just might believe her." Shelby rubbed at her eyes. The day barely even begun and she was wishing it was over.
"Did you sleep last night? You look like crap."
"Thanks Casey, you look like a supermodel."
"Shel…"
"No, I didn't sleep; not much. I kept listening to see if I heard her. I didn't want her to sneak out. And I swear, I heard her pacing and I thought I heard her talking to someone. I think I might be going crazy."
"I think you're finally starting to see that this needs your attention and you're trying." Besides that, she heard the pacing too.
"I am trying."
"I know." Maybe it should've happened sooner and she was disappointed it took her intervention for Shelby to see the signs, but at least they were starting somewhere. They were no longer at ground zero. They were gathering materials to start rebuilding. "But what are you going to do?"
"Well, mom gave some good advice, so I'll try to do that. I've been putting it off because I didn't think it was necessary, but, after her last physical, her doctor recommended a nutritionist if she hadn't gained any weight."
"She didn't right? I can't imagine her being tinier than she is now."
"I don't know. Honestly, I don't. It sounds bad, I know, but I'm not sure." She shakes her head as she looks away from her sister. She didn't need to see her eyes to know they were disapproving. "I've been going over everything. I've been trying to see what I missed. I've been looking for anything to tell me that we're all crazy and there's nothing to worry about…" She trailed off. Why couldn't she find that, find nothing?
"And? What did you find?"
"I found what an incompetent guardian I've been." True. She had been incompetent. She was the first to admit it. Her baby was grown up. She didn't need Shelby to be her mother. That was what she thought. She saw, though, just how much she really was needed.
"Shelby…" She searched for the right words. They were in there somewhere, but, on some level, she had to agree. Her sister had been a little incompetent.
"No, no don't. You and I both know it's true. I missed so many things and I don't know how I did. She used to wear these ridiculous little animal sweaters." She stated like that was supposed to mean something to Casey.
"Animal sweaters?"
"Yeah, they looked like they were made for an overgrown toddler, like something mom would send and I'd be forced to dress Beth in when she came for a visit, but that was what she wore. Animal sweaters, skirts, and knee high socks."
"I haven't seen her wear that."
"And you probably won't. The last time I saw her wear something other than jeans and sweaters was at her competition. Other than that and her dance classes, that's all she wears now."
"She looked tiny in that glee dress." Casey said matter of fact-ly.
"I had to take it in a lot at the final fitting." She admitted. "I thought I made a mistake with the first measurements. Now I'm starting to think she just lost way too much weight way too quickly."
"I don't doubt that." Casey said before a thoughtful gaze took over. The things she was imagining weren't pretty. "I'm trying to imagine Rachel in a leotard. Those don't leave much to the imagination. If she's this thin in her normal clothes, what does she look like in that?"
"Honestly," Casey nodded as Shelby took a minute to think about it, "I wouldn't know. I don't know."
"How could you not know?"
"She had a fit the last time I went to watch her dance and only once did I dare walk into her solo rehearsal, and then I was more focused on all the blood."
"Blood?"
"I scared her. She fell and cut herself. I tried to help her. Then she basically told me to leave her alone. I don't think it was anything serious. I don't know. The details are all fuzzy. Point is, I was a little more focused on making sure she was ok than how small her waist was."
"Well, now it's time to focus on that."
"I need to find a way to get her to open up to me…" Shelby may have said that aloud, but it was more a thought meant for herself.
"Speaking of finding a way… I think I know how to get her, her journal back without her ever knowing we had it."The sneaky little smirk on her face made Shelby worry. Casey was conspiring and that was never good. Shelby usually took the fall in one of her sister's plans.
"How?" Shelby leaned in for the answer. She needed to hear something good and if they could get away with their breach of privacy, it was a point in their favor. She'd worry about the possible fallout later.
"Well, I think I could…" She trailed off as they heard shuffling feet enter the kitchen. They watched curiously as Rachel obliviously made her way to the counter, grabbed a bowl, made some cereal, cereal Shelby knew she didn't eat, pored some of her soy milk, grabbed some fruit, picked up a few bags of various snacks, and, finally, a yogurt. It seemed like a lot of food for someone with her presumed issues.
"Rachel…" The voice scared her. How did she miss them? "Honey, what are you doing with all that food?"
"Um, I…" She made sure her arm was covered and looked around nervously. She must've looked like a fat pig looking for anything and everything to stuff her fat face with. "Eating it?" That was the wrong thing to say or the wrong way to say it; maybe both.
"All of it?"
"I…" None of it. "I am getting a ride from a friend today. They needed my help on an assignment and asked if I'd help. So, I… uh… I'm getting a ride early. I needed breakfast." She lifted the bowl. "And I thought I'd take some of this for lunch. That's ok, right?" She was begging for the excuse to work, her wide eyes pleading.
"Sure Rachel." She went back to her scavenging."Why don't you sit down and eat?" Shelby needed to see her actually put the food in her mouth, chew, swallow, and keep it down. "Standing up and rushing around isn't the right way to eat."
"I… I can't." Excuses Rachel. "My ride will be here shortly, I have to finish getting ready." She attempted to leave again.
"Rachel?"
"Yeah?" She turned to face her mother.
"Who's coming to pick you up?" Honesty or not? Puck, though Shelby had come around to him, wasn't a good option. To Shelby, he'd always be the delinquent whose irresponsibility led to her getting her daughter. So, the truth was ruled out. But she'd know it wasn't Kurt.
"Finn…" She lied. While sometimes a jerk to her, he seemed the good honest boy to most parents. He was the one that parents wanted to see their daughter with. Puck was the one the daughter wanted to be with.
"Ok." Shelby responded. She didn't like the idea of her daughter with boys, but it was doofy, giant Finn. What harm could he really do?
Rachel left as fast as she could, mortified by something that wouldn't affect any normal person, and though she did a good job hiding it, Shelby picked up on it; picked up on something at least. She sighed and looked to Casey with serious eyes. "Do you think she's actually going to eat it?"
"Do you?" Casey asked. It wasn't a question that needed answering; not verbally at least… "Yeah, that's what I thought too."
"What am I going to do?"
"We've been over this, but right now, you're going to go upstairs, get ready for work, look for that number her doctor gave you, and make that call. She needs that. Getting her there would be the first step. The second would be explaining why. I'm going to spend the day with my niece as I do a little house hunting and figure out exactly how to get this back into Rachel's hands." She pulled out the journal.
"You really have to stop pulling that out of thin air. She just might catch you, and I will let her put all the blame on you."
"Aw, come on Shelbs. You don't want your daughter to hate you?" She joked, of course, but a part of Shelby really felt that Rachel did and would hate her no matter what. But she played along, starting a mini food fight with her sister, bringing a little lightness to the calm before the storm.
But, while they were having their fun, Rachel was living in one big, continuous mind game.
Going back to school felt a little surreal. There was something in the air. Something just felt… different… Rachel couldn't explain it, and she wasn't sure if the different was good or bad, but she had this odd sensation in her stomach. There was just something in the air; a shift of sorts…
Walking through the McKinley halls, her slightly damp shoes squishing against the linoleum, she almost felt free. But it wasn't a good free. It was the high before the crash kind of feeling. Or maybe it wasn't… She didn't know. She just felt like she floated through the day. She was there, but she wasn't really there. She was just a broken piece in an otherwise functioning machine.
After English with Shelby, her day truly began. Her teacher yelled at her, almost all of them did, or they scolded her because teachers didn't yell at their star pupil; they just explained how disappointed they were when something they didn't like happened to happen. And she just so happened to forget four of her five assignments that were due that day. She meant to do them. She did. But somewhere along the way, school work and grades just seemed so far from relevant. Everything else seemed so much more important. Like her dead baby… Nearly bleeding to death; Puck's claim, not hers… It all just piled up and she, honestly, didn't care about the rest.
Her grades were the one thing she was still good at. Surely not caring about that wasn't a good sign. But what was there to care about? They would just fail her too. She was just saving herself from the inevitable. The first bad grade, she overcame. Her average remained unaffected, but she knew it would happen again. Well, she didn't know, but she did know her best just wasn't good enough and that would be what caused her to fail anyway. So why waste the time trying? Her focuses were better set elsewhere… Maybe… Though she needed to at least try. But try at what? For what? What was the point of anything?
Each class was more of the same. Teachers collected the vacation work. Teachers explained that the behavior was so unlike her and that they didn't want to see it happen again. Whatever. She barely heard a word of it. Puck kept checking on her too. In a way, it was sweet. In another, it was annoying. If she wanted to be dead, she would've been. So what was the point of checking on her? What would that change? But still, he did it. Maybe he didn't see the hopelessness she was living or the dark space that followed her. Or, maybe he was scared to death that she'd try something again. And the idea had crossed her mind. But how would he know that? But still, the thought was always there.
She wouldn't… She couldn't; not with him always around. Not that she didn't want him around. She did. She kind of liked it, but it also made her feel a little confined. They were hours into the day and she was tired and stuck. Her escapes were limited, and she couldn't even sneak off into the bathroom without someone there to follow. It felt like the Santana brigade 2.0. She didn't need body guards and watch dogs. She was perfectly fine all on her own just like she had been for years.
And speaking of Santana, she was another problem. She seemed to be lurking too; watching her, waiting for her, trying to get her alone. It was like she knew, knew more than she hinted at knowing just a week ago. There was a look on her face. Someone said something. Was it Quinn? Was it Puck? She didn't know which truth from which person would hurt her more if it got out. She'd either be branded the pitiful slut or the resident crazy slut because there were still lingering talk about her last pregnancy rumor courtesy of Quinn. Either way, she didn't want her secrets out there. She was embarrassed enough to just be her. The thought of more people knowing the ugly truth made her physically sick.
Just thinking about the possibilities made her head pound even worse. Forget school, she wasn't focusing in the least. Everything just seemed to pass her by and it didn't bother her. The names and insults, even the first slushie in a while didn't bother her; not in the way it normally would. All it did was make her stitches itchy and her clothes wet. Nothing else… She was completely shut off. She had to be. She had to keep everything away until she was alone again or she'd lose it. She needed a toilet, some food, and a little alone time. But that was a commodity she wasn't allowed and it sucked.
Everything sucked… all the time… She didn't know why she suspected or hoped for any different. It all just sucked. Every moment of everyday just compounded the bad feelings. And the few good times, the few good things she had were darkened by her. Everything she touched just broke. She was broken. Everything was broken. The cloud above was just creating a rain only for her. A cold rain… An icy, cold rain that caused more ailments than she could afford to care for. Why?
And her journal… What was she going to do about that? While she was at school, Casey could've been looking around. What if she found it? What if she read it? Oh god! She was on the verge of hyperventilating. What if she found it? She already knew too much and if she found it, she'd read it. And she actually liked Casey, related to her on some level, but that would change if she was privy to the darkness of Rachel's mind.
"Rachel." She'd read it and she'd know. "Rachel…" She'd know everything and then Shelby would know and then the world would come to an end. "Rachel!" Her life would be more over than it already was.
Completely over… "Quinn?" When did she get there? Where was she?
"Rachel, are you ok?"
"I'm fine Quinn. What do you want?" Her tone was icy.
"You just walked out of class. The teacher asked me to find you and make sure you were ok." She did that? When did she do that? Did she at least bring her stuff? Was Quinn even in that class? What class was she even in?
"Well, I'm fine." She looked around. "I… I just had to… pee?" At least she knew where her mind was. She wanted it so bad she made it happen. She wandered to a bathroom; of course…
"I've been trying to talk to you all day." She said quietly. It didn't surprise Rachel though. She saw her.
Twice since the day began she caught Quinn staring at her. Both times it seemed like she was going to go to Rachel, to try and talk to her, and both times, Rachel scattered. She would not be dealing with that if she could help it. But there they were; alone in a bathroom. How redundant… How very them…
"Is that my bag?" Rachel motioned to the shoulder strap.
"Yeah. There's only a few minutes of class left and then glee." The day was already over? "I figured you wouldn't want to go back. Here." Quinn held it out to her.
"Thanks." Was there a way out of there other than the door Quinn was blocking? Rachel looked around but found no exit. "I… uh… I should go." She never stuttered so much in her life, but that day it seemed that was all she could do.
"Wait Rachel." Quinn tried to get her to stop, and, against her better judgment, she stopped just short of the door to face the blonde. Why, she wasn't sure. Maybe she was a masochist. Maybe she just wanted to face the ridicule head on, knowing it was going to happen, rather than wait for the unsuspecting moment where Quinn pounced.
"Do you need something Quinn?" She said as politely as possible; almost sickeningly so.
"Can…" She didn't know how to be nice to the girl before her. Feeling the compassion and sympathy for Rachel was new. It was all so new and uncharted. "Can we just talk for a second? We have a few minutes before the bell."
"What is there for us to discuss?" She said it a little hostilely. If Quinn was being civil, she suspected trouble was coming her way.
"I just wanted to say… I wanted you to know that…" She released a heavy breath. "I'm sorry."
It took all she had not to snort. Quinn Fabray, tormentor and insult extraordinaire, was apologizing. That was something for the books. "You're sorry?" She nodded. "For what?"
"I'm sorry I spread that rumor about you."
It was laughable. "You mean the rumor that ended up being true?" It wasn't true at the time, but Rachel made it happen. It sure became a reality more twisted than Quinn imagined.
"Rachel…" She looked away feeling a little guilty. She wasn't supposed to feel that way.
"Of all the things to apologize for; the slushies, the incessant bullying and name calling, the torture that has been raining down on me from day one… That's what you apologize for? You apologize for the one thing that you said that ever became true?"
"I didn't… I just… I'm sorry Rachel."
"That's wonderful. Thank you Quinn. Apology accepted. I'll see you in glee." She didn't care. Apologizing wouldn't make up for the scars on her body; more so the mental ones no one would ever see. She just didn't see the point of dragging it out either.
"Rachel please. Just hear me out."
Huffing, almost a glutton for punishment, Rachel stayed. "What now Quinn?"
"I thought about calling you ever since…" She met Rachel's eyes. She didn't need to say I for them both to know exactly what she was talking about. "But I didn't know what to say. And then I thought about driving by, but Shelby would've been there and… and I wasn't ready to see Beth again." She didn't know why she felt the need to say these things, but she had to. "But I wanted to make sure you are alright."
"I'm perfectly fine Quinn. Thank you for your concern."
"You're not fine Rachel."
"How would you know?"
"Because, because I've been pregnant before and I can't imagine…"
"No Quinn, you can't imagine because Beth is alive and happy and loved and not dead. So you can't imagine. And neither can I because we both agreed never to talk about this again. It didn't happen. It will never come up again. I am dealing. I am fine. Everything's fine." A feeling of a heavy finality took over. They both knew the conversation needed to end soon or one of them would take it too far.
"Ok Rachel." She conceded. "Did you… Did you at least tell him?"
"Tell who?"
"Finn." Finn? Wow…
"Why would I tell Finn anything?"
"It was his baby, wasn't it?" Always jumping to conclusions.
"Even if it was, I don't see how that is any of your business. And, as far as you should be concerned, there was never any baby for me to tell him about. I'd very much appreciate it if this were the last time we spoke of this."
"Rachel." She stopped her again.
"What Quinn?"
"I know it's not worth much now, but I'm sorry about the baby… and everything." She just needed to get that out whether Rachel accepted the apology or not, it needed to be said.
"I'm sure you are Quinn. I'll see you in glee. I must go to my locker first."
Quinn gave up trying to get Rachel to open up. The tiny brunette had been on her mind since everything happened. They were never friends; that was obvious. But the situation changed. They didn't have to like each other to have sympathy for the other. Quinn just felt bad. Even as her fathers died, she didn't let up. The name calling and bullying never stopped. But being there with her, witnessing her losing her baby stirred something in Quinn that she couldn't explain. She wasn't a mother; not really, but she could understand that loss. In some ways, she could relate to Rachel, and that made her sorry for every bad thing she had done.
They were all in a teenage wasteland. Maybe they didn't have to waste more time making each other miserable all of the time. There could be a balance, or she could, at least, attempt to be a little less mean. Obviously, Rachel was going through some stuff and, in her own way, Rachel was always there for support when Quinn was having problems. So, maybe it was her turn to be the better person. Or, she'd try because she honestly didn't know if she was capable.
Until she figured that out, she just had to let Rachel be. She got to say she was sorry and she attempted to be there when it happened. That had to be some sort of penance. If it wasn't, it sure as hell should've been because it was more effort than she put into people she didn't like without anything in return. It was so much easier to just be the bitch all the time. Caring sucked.
Glee sucked too; for Rachel. Puck sat so close to her she felt confined. Quinn kept looking to her like she was waiting for Rachel to break into a million pieces. Something, Rachel would not let happen… Santana was giving her the "we gots to talk now" look. Agh! All she wanted to do was run. She had so much to run from. She didn't need to have to watch her back more than she already did… Continuously running, afraid, alone… It wasn't right. Nothing was right.
Then again, when was it ever? Her life hasn't been anywhere near the realm of right for a very long time.
"Ok guys, I think I've come up with some great set list ideas for Nationals." He pointed to the board; his one word usual. Nationals. "But I also want your input. So that's the assignment this week. In groups of three, come up with one solo, one duet, and one group number. You'll perform the group number for everyone."
"Great." Rachel thought. "Just great."
"Not so fast." Schue said, effectively stopping the kids' self separation. "Shelby and I agreed that we'd pick the groups randomly." There was a collective "Aw." No one wanted them to pick. It should've been their choice. But they were all pretty close, most of them, so it didn't really matter. "Brittany, Quinn, Puck. You're together." He went on until there were only three names left. "That leaves Kurt, Santana, and Rachel. Have fun guys, but try to take this seriously. The competition's stiff this year and Vocal Adrenaline has a new coach so they're getting their act together. If we want to win, we really have to work for it."
"Who's the new coach?" Someone asked.
"Jesse took over after I refused to return." Shelby stepped in to answer.
"Oh hell to the no. Is that what he was talking to you about Diva?" Why did that name sound like such an insult when it came from Mercedes?
"When did you see Jesse?" The questions came from everywhere.
"He was trying to get you to switch teams. Wasn't he?" Finn asked. "And you were going to. I can't believe you Rachel. How could you do this to us?" She didn't do anything to them. If she did, she wouldn't have been there. Did she need to justify the accusation with a response?
"Rachel, is this true?" Mr. Schuester asked, almost accusingly. Why did no one ever believe there was good in her? Even Shelby looked like she only saw the worst. She believed them and Rachel didn't expect anything else. She was always left to defend herself.
"Guys, leave her alone." Santana said, surprising everyone.
"St. Jackass is a douche, but that doesn't mean Rachel did anything wrong." Puck too? Was she in some kind of parallel universe?
"Rachel? Do you have anything to say?" Shelby asked. In reality, she was trying to keep the peace, trying to get her daughter out of the eyes of scrutiny everyone so willingly seemed to throw her way, but to Rachel, it just seemed like another person in her opponent's corner.
"Not that it is any of your business, but yes, I did happen to cross paths with Jesse at our Regionals performance. We discussed a few things, none of which are worth repeating or of any value to any of you, and we went our separate ways." That was all that happened, right? Sure he tried to get her to go to Carmel and switch schools, but there was still a twisted sense of loyalty there; not loyalty to him, but loyalty to her team and just repeating his offer would make her look like more of a betrayer than she already did. "That was the extent of our conversation. I don't understand why you are all so quick to jump to conclusions. We did date once; perhaps he wished to rekindle our romantic past."
"Is that what he wanted?"
"Why are we discussing this? Shouldn't we be in our groups, focusing on figuring out the best way to beat Jesse and his band of merry robots at Nationals?"
"Rachel's right. Everybody, get to work. But if he tries to sway you again Rachel, please let us know."
"Sure Mr. Schue. I'll be certain to do that." Or not… What did it matter? She wouldn't be accepted wherever she went. So why not stay in the familiar sucky environment? No need to start over and ridiculed by a whole new set of people. No, that just seemed more pathetic.
Mr. Schue looked between her and Shelby in concern. It wasn't concern for Rachel's wellbeing. A majority of the time, she was nothing but his talent source, and she doubted she was even that anymore, but concern that he might be losing that. That was how she saw it. Though, really, he was just being himself, oblivious to the pain everyone's questioning always caused her, but worried about her being subjected to Jesse. Sometimes he found her annoying and overwhelmingly controlling, but, deep down, he cared for her like all his students and respected her more because of the talent she had and the effort she put forth. He wasn't a bad guy, just a little misguided sometimes. He just didn't know how to handle Rachel's delicate sensibilities, but even he could see she lacked some of her normal shine. He just didn't know why.
But Rachel did, and, much to her dismay, so many others knew something too. She didn't like that at all. Everyone knew something and the rest jumped to conclusions. One was worse than the other, but she wasn't sure which was which. Theories were just that; unproven ideas. Knowing implied some fact. But was the truth uglier than the fiction? Maybe… But the fiction was equally as hurtful to her.
"Hello Diva, any ideas?" Kurt pulled her from her thoughts as he happily took a seat next to her. She could see Santana making her way over.
"So, short stack, I was trying to talk with you all day."
"You were?" Kurt asked her surprised. What did Santana want with Rachel?
"There's some stuff that needs talking Man… Rachel." Kurt couldn't help but think things just kept getting weirder and weirder. Not only was Rachel not really talking to anyone, almost to the point of ignoring people which wasn't what the attention starved diva did, but Santana and Puck were looking out for her. An enemy was searching her out. Something was most definitely up, but she wouldn't tell him. Come to think of it, she had barely talked to him. She didn't call all the time like she used to. Sure, they went out on Wednesday, but she up and disappeared and ignored him since. A part of him blamed himself. He immersed himself in Blaine and the new relationship and he was ignoring her friendly duties, but she had been distant for a while. He really needed to pay more attention to what was going on around him.
"Kurt, did you have any ideas for our assignment." She ignored Santana. She didn't have it in her to deal with that in any way. She just wanted to continue floating.
His ideas started flowing out and Rachel diligently listened. All the while, Santana just stared at her. The Latina didn't like being swept aside, but she understood the need for privacy. Obviously, Rachel didn't want to let Kurt in more than he already was. She could handle that, but the moment they were alone, the moment Rachel made a move to leave, she'd be on her like a new best friend. There were things she wanted to say, things she had been trying to say each and every time she tried to get a hold of her during the break, and even more things after her conversation with Puck that morning. If Mr. Badass himself was that worried about her, there were definitely a few more secrets for Santana to crack. And she was determined to do that.
They actually came up with a few good ideas courtesy of Santana. With Rachel's idea that maybe they do one original song, they thought their set list might have a chance. Rachel, however, wasn't holding her breath. Nothing she had done as of late had been good enough. The set list would be no different; even with others' input, it wouldn't be enough. They had a week's time to make it perfect, something she strived for and would push the rest to.
The minutes seemed to pass slowly once they came up with their songs. There was some idle chit chat, some feigned interest on Rachel's part, and a few head nods shared. But Rachel's mind had been elsewhere. It had been all day and would be for a while. Her mind was just in another place. Nothing mattered but what she couldn't do or what she wasn't doing right. All that mattered was that she hadn't cut in over twenty four hours and she ate real food the previous day, was forced to keep it down, and didn't get any exercise in. Granted, it was just a few bites, nibbles even, of relatively healthy food, but that didn't matter. What did matter was the withdrawal and need she was feeling and the yearning she had. She didn't know how much longer she could withhold.
She was at the point where she didn't think she could stop even if she wanted to. And she didn't want to so that wasn't a problem, but the people who knew did. She realized she needed to do better. She hadn't done a very good job with the whole normal thing and it was causing problems. But, right then, the most immediate problem was the need; the driving need to just screw the consequences and just do it. God, did she want to… She really, really wanted to.
The time was gone though, just as Rachel was about to make a run for the bathroom and give into temptation, and glee was over. It would have to wait, though she was counting down the minutes. "So, we'll work in the auditorium tomorrow?"
"Works for me. What about you Rach?" Kurt asked her.
"Sure. That's fine. As long as I am out of here in time for my dance class, we can work on it."
"Oh, you never told me how that turned out. Did you get a good spot?" Though she didn't feel she deserved it, Rachel eagerly shared her role in the recital. He was genuinely happy for her, sharing in the joy she was pretending to exude. She didn't deserve it and she'd fail miserably on that stage. She didn't know how to be happy about that. It was great, but she was undeserving, and knowing she was going to make a fool of herself wasn't cause for celebration. Again, she had to work on faking it, but she seemed to be covering her tracks well.
The tick of her leg bouncing and her constant finger movement was barely noticeable. It was a point in her favor, but the yearning was getting stronger. She liked talking with Kurt. She liked feeling the normalcy of having friends, but she wanted out. She needed her comfort food and her bathroom and her favorite razor. That wasn't too much to ask for. Why couldn't she have it?
Thinking about it, she tuned out the last half of the conversation she was supposed to be a part of. Without realizing it, she bobbed her head along as she stared out with a blank face, but it looked like she was participating enough to keep them from realizing. Except, Santana was still staring. She was still looking at her with laser focus and Snix eyes. If she didn't get a fix, Rachel couldn't even begin to handle that. All she wanted to do was go to dance, work and sweat her little butt off, then go back to Shelby's and search one last time for her journal before the panic took over.
"Rachel, are you listening?"
"I'm sorry? What was it that you said?" She wasn't listening; not even a little. "Where'd Kurt go?" He just vanished, as did a majority of the club. Besides the two of them, all that were left was Shelby and Will who were talking on the opposite side of the room, Artie, and Brittany who was waiting for Santana.
"He left a few minutes ago. Listen up. Something's going on and I want to know what's what."
"Whatever do you mean Santana? I don't know what you're talking about."
"I know you do. Puckerman had these sad eyes and was going on about how we couldn't leave you alone. He wanted me to have my Cheerio minions follow you. I don't know what's going on, but I gots to. So spill."
"Santana, I can assure you that there is nothing going on. I think Noah was just being a little dramatic. Maybe he took a page from my book and learned a few acting skills. He's quite talented naturally, but I'm sure you're aware of that."
"Is that some sort of innuendo RuPaul?"
"Excuse me? What type of innuendo would you be talking about?"
"Don't play dumb with me…"
"Rachel?" Shelby's voice cut Santana off and Rachel suddenly found herself in her mother's debt; gratitude seeping from her pores. Shelby moved closer, not wanting to shout from the other side of the room. "Are you ready to go? I want to stop at home for dinner before I take you to your dance class."
"Yes, I am ready. Santana, I'll see you tomorrow." Shelby said goodbye to Santana and told Rachel she'd wait for her in the car as she packed away her sheet music and papers.
"This conversation isn't over. I will get to the bottom of this. We can do it the easy way or the hard way. Either way, I'll know what I want to know."
"Ok." She said calmly, though, Santana was only adding to the increasing panic within. "I'll see you tomorrow. Goodbye Santana."
She left as quickly as she could, in fear of being stopped or talked to again. Everyone was so unpredictable. She didn't know who would say what next and she was afraid to find out. So she didn't stick around any longer than she had to. As quickly as possible, though taking a longer route to avoid any unnecessary alone time with Shelby, she made her way to the car.
Luckily, the conversation between the estranged mother and daughter was brief. Shelby asked about her day and Rachel told her it was fine. It was fine. She barely remembered most of it. Sure, she got scolded a few times, but it didn't faze her. And she had some weird foggy moment where she just up and left in the middle of class and Quinn was there to apologize, but she wasn't sure that was real. And Santana wanted to talk to her again and was trying to uncover her truths, but that was a problem for later. So yeah, her day was fine, just like she said.
"Rachel," Shelby said when they walked into the house, "Go get ready for dance, then meet me in the kitchen. Casey already made dinner and we're going to eat before you go."
"But…" She panicked, but Shelby cut her off.
"We have time. Go."
Needless to say, the four of them, sitting at the table, was a little awkward and tense. The only real talking was Beth's attempt at fluid conversation. Casey made her attempts at keeping everyone talking. Shelby said things from time to time. But most of dinner was spent staring at Rachel playing with her food, "If you don't eat, we're not going to dance."
"What?!" Rachel was enraged. How dare she?
Casey was watching it all play out. She didn't see it going well, but she knew it was only the first stand. It would be one of many; more than they anticipated she'd wager. Her sister and niece both glared at each other with that patented Corcoran stare. Their entire family had it, and, if nothing else, it just reinforced the fact that Rachel was definitely their family. "I mean it Rachel. Eat."
"I don't understand what the problem is. I eat all the time. Why are you doing this now?"
"I'm doing this now, Rachel, because you heard what Dr. Cantor said at your last appointment. You're underweight. We've given you time to gain a little, but you haven't and it's unhealthy." She decided you use that to mask all that she knew. Rachel wouldn't be receptive to an ambush and if using a scapegoat got her through, then that was what Shelby had to do. "So now we're doing this my way. Every day, unless I give you permission, you will come here after glee, eat, and then your Aunt Casey or I will drive you to dance." She sighed at Rachel's eye roll, but she wouldn't react more than that. It was a test of her ability, but she needed to start somewhere. "If you do not eat, you do not go."
"This is ridiculous."
"No, it's not. We all just want you healthy."
"Aunt Casey…" Rachel looked to her, the first time she truly used the preface of aunt and it was to find some support on a topic her aunt supported the opposition. Still, knowing blatant manipulation at its best, it warmed her heart a little to hear herself be called Aunt Casey instead of just Casey. It was no big deal, not really, but it felt like it; even in the way it was brought out.
"Sorry Rach. This is between you and your mother. You know I love you, but you are looking a little thin." She needed to be supportive of both family members. She needed to reinforce Shelby's words while not alienating Rachel. Something told her that Rachel was going to push everyone away, especially Shelby, and, because of that, she needed to try to stay on Rachel's good side because she would need someone. And Casey was a good someone for both of them. "Why don't you just eat? It's not that big of a deal. And hey, if you finish fast enough, I'll drive you to dance and I'll show you one of the houses I looked at today that I'm thinking about putting an offer on."
"But Casey…" She huffed. She didn't want to eat. Why were they making her do this? "Shelby?"
"Now Rachel. If you want to go to dance and be there on time, eat."
"Fine." She looked around for her napkin as she cut her food up nice and small. Her napkin was mysteriously missing. Casey had one. Shelby had one. Even Beth who could barely wipe her own mouth had one. But she didn't. They didn't give her one. "Where's my napkin?"
"I must've forgotten it. It's ok. You can wash up after."
"No! No, I need it. It's… I just need it…" She was trying incredibly hard to stay in the realm of calm, but she needed something. They took everything else. They were forcing her to eat. She needed some out. Most of her tricks wouldn't work in such proximity. Sure, cutting up the food would easily make it look like she ate more than she did, but she needed a way to not eat and make it look like she did. She needed her napkin. "Can I have one please?" The words were rushed and eager. She needed it. She really needed it. She didn't even realize the slight tremor in her leg and the rapid pace at which she was breathing. They needed to stop messing with her life.
"Rachel, just eat your food so we can go."
"I… am…" She said in between deep breaths. What was she supposed to do? How would she get out of it? What did they know? Were they doing it intentionally? What the hell was happening? First her journal, and the baby thing and the "near death" experience, and then people were trying to take away her only solace, whether intentional or not… She couldn't take it. "Please…" It was quiet and pleading.
"Rachel, you're fine. You haven't made a mess. You haven't even eaten. Just finish and then you can wash up and Casey will take you to class."
Through random, inconspicuous glances at Rachel, they saw she looked like she was ready to cry. Her face had agony written all over it; like a simple bite of food, actually consuming something fully, made her sick. And, it just might. But mentally, they could see her struggle and it worried them. They didn't know what to make of the situation. It was all a guessing game and the pieces only came together the longer they played.
So all they could do was watch the first real struggle Rachel had trouble concealing. It was the first time the signs were so visible. And they didn't know if it was because of the known suspicion, because of the signs they were already aware of, or because things were just getting worse. Casey and Shelby looked to each other, silently conversing. Yes, it was official. Rachel was in trouble and they were only at the tip of the iceberg. They had such a long, hard way to go.
Rachel knew they were watching. She felt their eyes on her. And she was paranoid, but that didn't matter. Even the paranoid sometimes had merit for their crazy. But she couldn't understand why. She knew her acting skills weren't as good as she used to claim and boast about. She was no future award winner, but was she really that bad? Her subpar performances should've been enough to fool Shelby. Had something changed? Was there another reason? Why wouldn't they just let her be?
More importantly, what was she supposed to do? She couldn't eat that food. The number of carbohydrates was astronomical and even pushing her limits in dance wouldn't have been enough to burn it off. How the hell did she get out of it? She was running out of time. She couldn't miss anymore rehearsal time. Costume fittings were coming up. They were getting ready to have everyone come together for run throughs of the whole show. She missed too much as it was and, with her still in a bit of a weakened state, she knew she had to work four times as hard as she normally did just to be semi decent. She couldn't and wouldn't deal with Shelby's crazy on top of that. Of all the times to truly act, what she concluded to be, motherly and worry about eating habits, she had to pick the worst possible time ever!
She actually had to put the food in her mouth. She had to eat. And each bite killed her. Her food was shredded; mashed and sliced into the smallest of pieces, and still the plate looked too full. So she ate. With each bite she felt weighed down. Even chewing each bite about twenty or thirty times until it had the consistency of mush in her mouth didn't help. If anything, it delayed the inevitable. Only three large, to her and tiny to anyone else, bites in and she felt a rock in her stomach. How could anyone eat so much and not want to throw it all up after?
"Can I be excused?" She needed to get out of there and relieve herself the wall of fat building on her body as she sat there. She ate all she could. They couldn't ask for more.
"No."
No? It caught her off guard. "What?"
"No Rachel. We don't have time. You're stuff's in your bag. If you want to wash up, the sink's right there. Eat a few more bites and we'll go."
"I can't eat anymore. I'm full." She insisted. Shelby and Casey both looked to the plate. Not even half was eaten, but if Shelby really thought about it, it was more than ever before/ There was no napkin to hide food in. She did the research. She knew that was what Rachel did. That was why there was none there for her daughter to use and there wouldn't be any meal they had together. "Please, I can't eat any more."
"Try a few more bites."
"I can't!" The irritation she was feeling just couldn't be covered. What part of cannot did Shelby not understand? Her body just couldn't accept any more food.
"Rachel, do not yell."
Seeing the tempers flare in the two divas, Casey stepped in. "Go grab your bag and start the car." She held out her keys. "I'll be right there."
"Thank you." Rachel said, angrily leaving the table and stomping away.
"How'd you think that went?"
"Oh that, that was nothing."
"Do you think I pushed too hard too soon?"
"I don't know. Maybe, maybe not. I don't think there's a rulebook for this. Let's just hope she gets better the more we get her to eat." She could hear the car starting. At least she didn't run to the bathroom. "You made that appointment, right?"
"Yes, it's Monday after school. She'll have to miss a little glee, but she's going. And I made that other appointment we talked about."
"Yeah?"
"They had an opening next Wednesday. I booked it for her and we have a meeting to discuss Rachel earlier that day."
"That's good Shelby. Let's just hope this is enough." The honking of the car horn broke their conversation.
"Go. She's waiting and she's already getting on my nerves."
"Alright, I'll be back. And when I get back wither, Operation Return Journal will commence."
"Whatever you say Casey."
They were trying to keep things as light as possible because they knew it was only the beginning, but they already felt the darkness that was looming. But it was already getting to Shelby. If she could barely get through this, how was she really going to be of any help at all? She was questioning whether she was the right person for the job. Rachel probably would've been fine with her dads. Why'd they have to die and leave her to clean up their mess?
Logically, she knew that wasn't what happened. It wasn't just their mess that made Rachel that way. It was hers too, but she couldn't blame herself. She had to blame them or she couldn't physically bring herself to do anything. "Agh!" She yelled, laying her head on the table. Beth mimicked her actions, yelling and banging her head down. Only, her little blonde head landed in food. "Silly girl." Shelby perked up. "You're just what mama needed. You know that? You make me feel better."
"Boo boo mama?"
"No, no boo boo Beth, just a lot of problems with your sister."
"Rashell boo boo?"
"Yeah, Rachel kind of has a boo boo. She has a big one and I can't kiss it and make it better."
"Beth kiss."
"You can try big girl… You can try." Taking Beth from the toddler seat, Shelby said, "Let's get you in the bath. Clean up can wait."
As they cleaned up that mess, Casey tried to do a little recon on the other. After dropping Rachel off, she waited in the car. But she got curious. She needed to see the girl in the unforgiving leotard to know just how bad things were, even if to just gage the situation. So, once she thought Rachel had enough time to dress or whatever she had to do, and get situated, Casey went to the viewing room. Hiding out of sight, but in a place she could still see, Casey watched her niece dance.
And she was beautiful, as expected, but it was all so disturbing. Maybe the other dancers and the instructors didn't see it. Maybe they chalked it up to a dancer's body, but her niece was disgustingly thin. The outline of her ribs made her look like one of those starving kids on those said world hunger commercials. The bloated stomach from the lack of food, her body literally eating itself… How was no one else disturbed by that? She looked around. The other girls were on the thin side too. Only one or two kids there looked remotely normal, but, if it were ballet normal, Rachel was still too small. It bothered her that it didn't bother anyone else.
Why did no one try to find out what was wrong? Why did no one bother to look deeper? Why didn't anyone try to help sooner? Casey just couldn't understand. But, putting the ugliness aside, getting to watch Rachel dance was nice. She liked it better than watching the soccer games her son played and the football games she was dragged to by her husband. But it was so hard to just focus on the lines and movement when all she saw was skin and bone.
Her niece was slowly disappearing before her eyes. She was pushing herself. She could see that, and they were losing her. She really hoped they weren't too late. She really hoped their efforts wouldn't be in vain. They only just found each other. They couldn't lose each other so soon. She wouldn't allow that. She would do whatever she could to prevent that. And some of it would make Rachel mad. It might even make Rachel hate her, but in the end, if Rachel was ok enough to hate and yell, then she'd take it with a smile on her face and a feel of accomplishment in her heart.
If only they caught it sooner… If only Shelby was always in her life… If only there was someone there to help her all along. There were so many what ifs and if onlys, but the thing was, they couldn't change what was. At that point, the damage was done. The job then was to reverse what was reversible and hope the rest wasn't too serious and beyond repair.
She couldn't watch anymore and decided to wait in the car. Seeing Rachel throw herself into the dance was one thing. Seeing her go above and beyond wasn't really a stretch. But it looked like she was physically hurting herself just to get in a little extra burn. When everyone else was sipping water, she was doing lunges or running in place as fast as she could; faster than her frail body really allowed. There were no breaks for her. There was no stopping. What else could she do?
What she didn't know was that in the time she gave Rachel to get situated and warmed up, Rachel had fed her inner demons. Her first stop was the quiet male bathroom that no one was ever in because there were barely any guys there. And in there, she threw up everything and all she could. There wasn't much. She let the food sit for too long and she knew she'd have to work a little harder just to even out, but the feel of her fingers in her throat and the warmth that spread through her body after the bile was expelled… it was what she craved. It was what she needed. It was what Shelby had denied her.
And after that, after getting rid of the tiny morsels of evil inside of her, she rinsed her mouth out, wiped her face, slipped into her leotard, and went out on that floor to give it her all. She'd push harder and sweat more… She'd do whatever to compensate and be better. She had to. That was all she could do to keep sane and prove she deserved the spot she didn't think she did deserve.
By the end of it, she was hurting. She felt more tired than she thought she could and she had some experience with that. Every step hurt. Her body felt heavy and weak. Simply moving her arm, her arm which was incredibly hard to keep concealed in a leo, felt like lifting a thousand pound weight. And, she knew, at the end of class, she had to head back to Shelby's, pretend nothing was wrong, do a mountain of homework, and look for her journal too. If she really wanted to push it, which she did, she wanted to add in a round on the elliptical too. She had to muster up the strength and continue practicing her faking it. Because, smile on her face or not, she was so far from ok. Her stomach was cramping again, that had been happening on and off since the miscarriage, her arm was throbbing, and she was practically dead on her feet. She was one degree warmer than dead…
"You ready to go?" Casey scared her. She was waiting outside the dressing room door when Rachel walked out. And if Rachel wasn't facing the other way, Casey would've gotten a glance at the girl's distraught and pained face. Rachel thanked the higher power for small favors.
"You have no idea." She responded quietly, more to herself. "Yes, I'm ready. Let's go."
Back at the house, Shelby made Rachel sit down for another meal; a snack that was bigger than most of Rachel's actual meals. But Rachel was smart about it. It wasn't anything mushy or wet, and Shelby allowed her to change before forcing food at her, so she dressed smart. She took bites when Shelby was watching; swallowing when necessary, but when Shelby's back was to her, it was a whole different story. Eating only the vegetables that were on her plate when needed, she stuffed the pieces of higher calorie food, like the vegan chips and dry toast, bit by bit, into her large pockets. Shelby didn't suspect a thing. And as soon as she was in her room, the scraps were immediately thrown into the trash. Rachel had it all figured out.
In her room, she rushed through her work, both make up and current work. There was so much to do, and she did it all. She was positive half of it was wrong, but it was done. She carelessly answered the questions and she knew someone would say something to her about it, but she hoped beyond reason that she magically got it right. After that, it was late, but she needed to do one last search for her journal. She looked everywhere, but another once over couldn't hurt. Her room was clear though. As were all the other rooms.
She remembered staying in Beth's room for a while. Thinking maybe it was in there, though she swore she checked before, she decided to head in. It was around Beth's bedtime, so she had to be extra quiet. Slinking into the hallway, she stealthily made her way into Beth's bedroom. Immediately, she noticed Beth wasn't in there, but, to refrain from arising suspicion, she still tried to be sly.
The lights were on, but dim, and the room was quiet. She didn't even see Casey sitting on the ground as she made her way around the room. Casey was just so, so silent, like a predator lying in wait. "Hey Rachel, what are you doing in here?" Again, she was startled by her aunt, effectively jumping away from the dresser she was looking around.
"Oh, umm…" What was a good excuse? "I… uh… I just wanted to say goodnight to Beth. I do it every night." One point Rachel.
"Ok. Shelby is attempting to get Beth changed. They shouldn't be too long. In the meantime, want to help me?" She was sitting on the ground in front of the bookshelf. That was where she found the journal, which was where Rachel would discover it too.
"What are you doing?" Rachel moved closer.
"Cleaning this thing. It doesn't look like it gets used very often. It's so dusty, but there are some great kids' books here and I figured someone should read to Beth. Since Shelby apparently doesn't, why not me?" Yes, she was cleaning t again. It was still dusty and it was a good excuse to get the ball rolling.
"What can I do?"
Pointing to some cleaning spray and a rag, she said, "Grab one and get cleaning."
Rachel sat opposite her aunt and helped dust the shelves. Casey talked with her, asked her questions, and just generally kept her engaged. She was just waiting for the right time to pull out the big guns. She had it all worked out. There'd be a seamless transition, a moment where she would effortlessly find the journal in the same spot she saw it all those days ago, and she'd play dumb. The moment came. "What's this? It doesn't look like a book."
Rachel's eyes went wide as Casey pulled in out from the shelf. She wanted to reach out and grab it; pull it away before anyone's eyes even laid on it, but that would be like sending up a flare. "I… I don't think that's Beth's."
"No?"
"No, no it's… It's mine see." She pointed to the cover where it was clearly marked.
"What is it?"
"It's just…" Lie Rachel… "It's my song book. When I get an idea, I write it in there." Her eyes never left it. If Casey attempted to open it, she was ready to pounce.
"What's it doing in here?"
"I had it in here when I slept in here and I thought I lost it. I've been looking everywhere for it."
"Can I see some of them? Maybe hear a little?"
"No!" Rachel stopped her from even moving the cover. "I'm sorry. I just… I don't want anyone reading them. They're not that good and. Well, I'm a little embarrassed. I hope you understand."
"Of course I do Rachel. I understand." More than Rachel could begin to realize. "I'm sorry for intruding."
"It's… It's fine." She stood quickly. "I'm sorry, I'm tired. I think I'm, going to bed now.'
"What about Beth?" Casey asked as she watched Rachel back away slowly.
"Give her a kiss for me. Ok?"
"Sure Rachel. Goodnight."
"Goodnight Casey."
Rachel scattered and Casey breathed a sigh of relief. It was a tiny victory, one that wasn't guaranteed to not turn into a failure at some point, but it felt good. It felt like a small hurdle was overcome. For the time being, they were in the clear. Rachel wouldn't know they read her private thoughts. So, a small hurdle was indeed overcome, but it would be one of many. They could rejoice in the small win because there'd be many failures coming their way and many more they wouldn't even know about.
For the short while, they just had to take happy where it came, however it came. If that meant being happy they sneakily got away with stealing and returning a journal, then so be it. They'd take what they could.
This was more filler chapter. Next one starts moving things along and a few after that, this story… well you'll see what happens. Depending on how the chapters turn out and what comes out in each one, this story should be between 40 and 45 chapters. That's really not that many more. I hope you are all still interested.
I apologize for any grammar and spelling errors. I hope you enjoyed this chapter. Until next time…
Tearrer I'm glad you like the internal dialogue. Some people don't. Some people have said they don't, but the internal dialogue holds the character's truth, not necessarily the truth, but the individual truth. And I love the internal thoughts. I have them, everyone has them it's fitting Rachel and other characters would too. After reading your review, I immediately went to listen to that song. And you are so right. If ever there was a theme song for that chapter, Yellowcard's ten would be it. It's a beautiful song, sad really. Thank you for introducing me to it. I like Yellowcard, don't know why I haven't heard it before. The timing though, was quite a coincidence.
gleeluver101 I updated! And it's longer than the last chapter. So there's that. Enjoy.
GleeQueen16 I've been sick, but I'm doing better. Thanks for reading. Big things to come before this story ends. Hope you come along for the rest of the ride.
Guest That just means you're invested in the story and the characters. That's a good thing! I promise you Shelby's going to try, but it's not going to be that cut and dry. Shelby doesn't quite grasp everything. She still sees with rose colored glasses and she doesn't want to admit that she has done anything wrong. We shall see how that plays out. I apologize that I've taken so long to update and I truly wish I could manage weekly or even biweekly, but there have been a lot of setbacks as of late. Though, I really do try to be timely. Keep reading. I promise it'll be worth it.
mysterywriter94 It was a rather short chapter… for me… not in general. This one is much longer. Rachel should stop lying, but where's the story in that? Her lies are the driving force behind most things. If she didn't, the story would be over. I don't think I'm quite ready for that yet. Plus, I haven't gotten to the next big blow out yet. You have to stick around for that.
UmPaDee It is painfully said, mostly because this is a true struggle. People out there really are burdened with this affliction. That was one of the reasons I was so compelled to tell this story. And I'm glad there are readers like you who have come with me through the story telling. I hate that I keep having to apologize for the delays in updating, but I'm updating now. That has to count for something. I will continue to try and be timely, but things just seem to get in the way.