A/N: As we receive new recruits, their missions will be displayed. Until that time, we are sending our current Turks out with their new partners. However, in our first case, we have a trio of partners; Kandi, Katrina and Ram, aka Tseng's Amazons. (Total rip off of Charlie's Angels, only WAY more bad ass.)

Disclaimer: I own nothing but this bitchin' plot and the computer in which it is written...unless I'm at work and then that computer belongs to The Company.

"Good morning, Amazons."

"Good morning, Tseng," three voices said, one hungover, one groggily, the other over a mouthful of cheese danish. Oh yes, beauty, grace and elegance personified.

Charlie gets happy, perky, chipper women, Tseng thought in annoyance. I get female Reno, Sleepy from the Seven Dwarfs and the Human Garbage Disposal.

Going through his normal routine, he handed Katrina the aspirin, Ram the cup of coffee and Kandi the premoistened towelette.

"Thanks," they mumbled in their respective fashions.

Tseng rolled his eyes and sat in the chair across from the couch they were lounging on. "You all have an important mission today," he said with a sigh. "Please, don't fuck it up."

"Have we ever fucked anything up, Tseng?" Kandi said licking the cream cheese out of the middle of the danish. "We are a great team."

"Yes, but this mission does not require anyone to be killed, anything to be blown up or anything to be hacked into," he explained.

"WHAT?!"

"THAT SUCKS!"

"Quit screaming!" Katrina screamed. She turned to Tseng. "What kind of fucked up mission is this?"

"Recruiting," he said. "Or, more precisely, retrieving."

"I don't get it," Ram said, her eyes still drooping as she sipped the coffee. "What are we supposed to get?"

"More precisely, whom," Tseng corrected, producing a file. He tossed it on the coffee table in front of them. "Vincent Valentine."

"That dude that helped chocobo head save the Planet twice and then did it once himself?" Kandi asked through a mouth full of pastry.

"Didn't he used to be a Turk?" Ram inquired.

"Yeah, like a long ass time ago?" Katrina added.

"Yes, and we would like him back," Tseng replied. "In his time, Valentine was a very good Turk. With the...inexperience of our group as it is, I could use another veteran amongst the ranks."

"Yeah, but isn't he...old?" Katrina asked with a smirk. "You know, like older than you?"

Tseng glared at her, opening Vincent's file. "His biological age is sixty, but he is physically stuck at 27," he answered, retrieving the photo they had on file. It had been obtained after the Deepground incident.

"Holy shit!" Kandi shrieked, dropping her danish on the floor and wiping her hands and mouth.

"Damn," Ram said chugging the scalding hot coffee and barely wincing. "He's fine."

Katrina just stared at the photo, her mouth opened and drool slightly moistening her lips. "Where is his last known location?" she asked in a voice barely above a whisper.

"The last we've seen or heard from him was after the conflict with Omega," Tseng explained, noting with amusement how they instantly became professional and interested in their mission at the sight of Valentine. "He was in Edge at Tifa Lockheart's Seventh Heaven."

"Bar," Katrina smirked, looking at the other two women. "Our speciality."

"No drinking."

They balked.

Tseng raised his eyebrow. "No drinking," he repeated.

"Fine," Kandi said snatching the file and staring at the photo. "Vincent Valentine, you're as good as ours."

"Okay, so Boobs hadn't seen him in a few months," Ram said, twirling a lock of hair. "And Chocobo Head is a retarded mute."

Kandi snickered as she typed on her laptop. "Too much Mako will do that to you," she said. "He's not in Nibelheim in that musky old coffin."

"No sign of him at the dead chick's cave either," Katrina said, tossing her cell phone up and down. "Ninja bitch said she left a few voicemail's a couple days ago, but hadn't heard from him."

"Gunarm's just as retarded as Chocobo Head," Ram said picking Kandi's pockets and finding a chocolate bar. "Tea Drinking Pilot didn't know either."

"And the lion/dog thing didn't know nothing either," Kandi said, pulling out two more candy bars and tossing one to Katrina.

"What are you...a vending machine?" Katrina asked.

"Yeah, just insert the gil up my ass," Kandi said rolling her eyes. "So, who do we got left to ask? We can't ask the Dead Cetra Chick. She's, you know, a corpse."

Katrina chewed her candy bar and thought. "If I were a super sexy enigmatic goth vampire old guy in a hot dude's body and I suffered from severe angst, where would I be?" she pondered.

"Slitting your wrists," Kandi snickered, producing a bottle of soda from inside her suit jacket.

"That's fucked up," Ram commented.

Kandi shrugged. "She would be," she countered.

"No, the soda thing," Ram said. "You really are a fucking vending machine."

Katrina snapped her fingers. "I got it!" she said. "I'd be stalking the people who were trying to find me."

"That's ridiculous, you spaztard!" Kandi said.

"She's right."

They turned, drawing their weapons and striking a very...clumsy looking pose. Katrina had shoved half her candy bar in her mouth, Ram was licking her fingers and Kandi was taking a drink, all while aiming their weapons at the voice.

Vincent smirked, moving closer to them. "So, you found me," he said. "Or rather, I found you. Why are you looking for me?"

"We've come to tell you that you've won the Editor's Whorehouse Sweepstakes and that you are 1 million gil richer!" Kandi said with a cheesy smile, dribbling diet soda from her mouth.

Vincent's ducked his mouth behind the collar of his cape to hide his smile. "So...this is what the Turks have come to, is it?" he asked. "Jokes and junk food."

"Hey, we're sexy when we're binging!" Ram said defensively. "And we're lethal."

"But your skills at finding your target are lacking significantly," Vincent told them, watching as they straightened themselves and holstered their guns.

"Mr. Valentine, I highly doubt you would be found if you didn't want to," Katrina said, casting him a flirtacious smile.

Vincent inclined his head. "No, I suppose you are correct," he conceded. "I must admit, however, that Tseng recruits are more...attractive than Veld's were."

"The vampire thinks we're cute!" Kandi giggled.

"You still haven't answered me," Vincent said. "Why were you looking for me?"

"Tseng wants you back in the Turks," Ram told him. "Though we have raw talent...it's exactly that; raw. He needs more experience to train us properly."

"Hmph," Vincent said, eyeing the three women, the red-head in particular. "I suppose I could lend my help. I'm not presently engaged in anything."

Kandi grinned. "Bitchin'," she said, going back to her laptop. "I'll email Tseng and let him know you agreed."

"Sweet," Ram said nodding before heading over to help Kandi. "This is going to be interesting to say the least."

Katrina eyed Vincent, the flirtacious smile returning. She walked up to him and stood nose to nose with the gunman. "I look forward to working under you, Sir," she purred.

Vincent's eyebrows raised. Oh yes...the Turks had definitely changed.

Mission Report: Target retrieved and reinlisted in the Turk ranks.

Turks Assigned: The Amazons

Status: Rookies; Second-Level

Specialties: See individual profiles

Target: Vincent Valentine; Ex-Turk, Member of AVALANCHE

Death by: Not Applicable

Mission Complete

A/N: I know...totally retarded, right? I felt like being goofy. I'm a vending machine! LOL at myself! But, good news...Vincent's back!!! WOOT!!! Review please!