Affliction

by Doodle19

Everybody has problems and everbody chooses to deal with them in their own way. So when the world around Rachel and the walls she put up come crashing down, how will she deal? And will anybody be there to help her survive? Rating subject to change.

36. The Hard Fall

I do not own Glee, I only play with the characters and create others to play along.

Chapter 36: The Hard Fall

May changed everything. The Corcoran household was not the same. Rules were stricter. No one was really happy, but they all pretended to be because that was what they were good at. That was how they survived. That was the only way they knew how to be. And they were good at it; a family of actors they were.

Things still felt a little up in the air. They were trying, and trying was the key word, but they didn't really seem to make much progress. Their communication was nearly nonexistent. They simply were; two souls living in the same house sharing the same space. Beth seemed oblivious to all. And good for her. Rachel wished that naivety was something she still possessed. Instead, she had to live in the flux. She had to bite her tongue when in the wicked witch's presence, and she had to be monitored…

They even went to a joint therapy session. That was not fun at all. In fact, it was horrible and uncomfortable and any other acronym of the like. They were tense and in need of assistance that Casey couldn't provide. "You need to do this." She said. "I can't help with this. There's only so much peacemaking one woman can do and you two make it incredibly hard." Casey knew how to get to them. "Do it for me. Please. I can't take this." Rachel had a soft spot for her aunt. So she huffed out a, "fine."

But it was still disastrous. Awkward and terrible were the best two words to describe it. That session really changed nothing. It might even have made things worse.

Shelby and Rachel both sat in silence on opposite ends of Dr. Matten's couch, each with matching scowls and hands crossed at the chest.

"Who would like to begin?" Asked Dr. Matten after about ten minutes of their juvenile behavior. They just sat there in a tizzy, neither willing to speak first. That would be giving in and neither was submissive enough to do it. The doctor had talked to Rachel first for a few minutes, then Shelby, and then brought them together for the last half hour of the session. It was clear they had a lot to work through and they needed to do it together. "Shelby, why don't you start?"

"I don't even know where to start." Shelby admitted, relaxing a little as she let the therapist guide her.

"Why don't we start with what we talked about earlier? Tell Rachel about what's been going on in your mind."

Turning to an unmoved Rachel, Shelby exhaled. Talking with her own flesh and blood shouldn't have been such a chore. "I don't like your behavior."

"Well, I don't like yours." Rachel quipped. The littlest things were setting them both off. Obviously, it didn't take much to bring out the fireworks.

Turning to Dr. Matten, Shelby asked, "Do you see what I'm talking about? This is what I deal with. That's what she chooses to say. She barely says anything and when she does, it's chalk full of attitude. She's insolent and… and…"

"And what Shelby? What am I?"

"You're…" There were a string of words she could've used but had the sense of mind not to. Instead, she took a different route that was equally as destructive. "You're out of control. You're temperamental. You're moody and crazy and insolent…"

"Yeah, you mentioned that one already."

"…and stubborn and petulant and…"

"Let's talk about you Shelby. What kind of person are you?" Rachel talked over Shelby as her mother continued to list every single character she could think of. Dr. Matten was quickly losing control of the session. "You're no better. Beth this and Beth that… I'm this and I'm that…"

They went on and on. There was no back and forth, just continued verbal abuse spouted at each other rather than communicated to each other. There were calls of, "Rachel," and a few of, "Shelby." There was even a few for them to please stop and to calm down, but they all went unheard by the duo. Matten preferred the organized chaos and rarely did she lose control of her sessions, but as much as she didn't like it, it may have been needed.

"Let's face it. While you may be gifted in voice and acting ability, your skills with family needs some work. You push away everyone that isn't Beth; so basically everyone actually biologically your family and…"

"And God, Rachel, you're just so… so infuriating… I don't know how much more I can take… I don't know if I can do this…" The thought drifted as the room moved back into silence.

"Do what Shelby?" Dr. Matten asked happy to finally have some decorum. They were getting somewhere.

"Yes Shelby, please tell us. What can't you do? You can't be here and do this or you can't deal with me?"

"Ugh, damn it Rachel! Nothing I ever say to you is right. Nothing is ever good enough for you."

"Enough. Both of you need to realize this is not the right way to deal with your problems. You need to communicate with each other and see the other's point of view. You can't do that by yelling at each other."

Things didn't get better from there. It was more of ignoring Matten and arguing with each other. That was all that happened until the doctor said, "Time's up." Both women swore they heard a, "thank god," thrown in there at the end. They couldn't blame her either. They were saying it too. Theirs just had a few expletives to cushion it. They wanted out of there. And they left, silently and separated. They left looking anywhere but at each other, in a defensive stance, and at least ten feet away from the other at all times.

So much for the communication thing. Going there did nothing for them. It changed nothing. It did nothing but push them deeper into a stalemate. So terrible seemed an appropriate adjective to describe that meeting of the minds. Rachel was sure to be extra mean to Casey the next time she saw her after suggesting such a thing. A mother-daughter therapy session; heinous and cruel… They just went from constantly yelling and fighting with each other to complete and utter avoidance when possible. But it wasn't very possible. Shelby made sure of that. So instead, it was just quiet; a not so kind quiet.

The house was like a prison, and Rachel was still serving her sentence. Dealing with an angry Shelby at her worst was not fun and not something Rachel took lightly. Punishment was doled out shortly after the day she was caught with Noah and, for the most part, it was upheld ever since. Shelby wasn't lenient unless it was to her benefit. Rachel had to admit, though, she was actually scared that day. Sure, she didn't think that Shelby was going to see them making out in her room. She wasn't supposed to be home then. And, she didn't worry much about being caught because she didn't think it would end quite the way it did, but she was sure that if, no when, she did it again, she definitely wouldn't get caught… That day sucked.

"Shelby, I'm so sorr…" She had to say something. After being called down to her own execution and watching Shelby pace at dizzying speeds, she had to. Or she thought she did, but Shelby had other ideas. Shelby wanted wordlessness.

"Shut up." She couldn't even bring herself to say her daughter's name. It was like a poison on her tongue. "I need you to just keep your mouth shut." There was no arguing. Even Rachel knew better than that as she cowered away, moving as deep into the arm of the couch as she could.

"Bu…" Knowing and doing were two separate concepts.

"What did I just say?!" She snapped, stilling her motions as she towered over Rachel's seated form. "What the hell was that Rachel? You know the rules. I don't ask very much of you. All I want is a little respect in this house. My house. My home." She was pacing again, her voice raised. "And you come in and destroy everything!" She regretted that the moment it came out, but she couldn't stop. She just kept going."You come into my home and tear it down piece by piece until I'm literally going crazy. What's wrong with you?"

"Nothing…"Fighting back tears, Rachel practically whispered the word before Shelby interrupted.

"Something is wrong Rachel." Shelby insisted. "I don't know where we went wrong or what I did, but you're not you anymore."

Rachel stood abruptly. "How would you know?"

"Excuse me?" She hissed.

"How would you know if I'm different? Maybe I'm exactly the same as I always was and you're the one who's different. You don't know me!" She huffed. "You don't know anything about me!" She tried to storm off, but Shelby fiercely gripped her upper arm.

"Sit down." Shelby demanded with a bite in her tone. "We're not done here."

"You might not be, but I am. I'm done." Rachel said as she tried to pull away, but her mother's grip was too tight and her body wasn't strong enough for the fight.

"Too bad. I'm not. Now sit." She pushed Rachel to the couch. If she wasn't so angry, she would've noticed just how small Rachel's arms had become, how her hand fit around it.

"I don't want to sit."

"And I don't want to have to find you in bed with a delinquent, but that happened. We all have to do things we don't want to do. So get over it."

"Shelby I really am…"She quickly became passive. She was sorry that Shelby saw them, mostly.

"I don't care if you're sorry Rachel." Her name came out like a curse word. "Did you have sex with him?" That brought the anger to an abrupt halt; instead, they were shocked into a confused silence.

"Wha… what?" Her face was blushed as embarrassment flooded her. Shelby was not asking her that right? Did she expect honesty?

"Did you and Puck have sex?"

"I… I… I thought you wanted me to shut up." She wanted to be told to shut up. That was better. That was easier.

"When I ask you a question, I expect an answer." Shelby just hovered over her daughter, standing in front of her to lock her in her place on the couch; no chance for escape."Did you sleep with him?" She repeated the question, emphasizing each word like it was its own sentence.

"Why are you asking me this?" She shook her head. "Why do you even care?" She wanted to cry. She wanted to yell and scream and fight. But, mostly, she just wanted to escape. She wanted out of there and away from the fury that was radiating off of her mother with just enough concern thrown in to make her feel a little, a little wrong. She hadn't felt that way before. There were moments she felt guilty, but there and then she felt so out of bounds. She did worse, yet it wasn't until that moment that something hit her and she wasn't sure what it was.

"Damn it Rachel. Why don't you get it?" Shelby moved over to sit next to Rachel, her hands clenched tightly in fists and her breathing very calculated. She was counting. "I need you to answer my question Rachel. Did you sleep with Puck?"

"Nuh… No." It wasn't exactly a lie. She didn't sleep with him; not then. There were no plans for sex then. Why was Shelby doing that to her? Why couldn't she just yell and call it over?

"You didn't?" She was relieved and surprised and wasn't sure if she should believe it But it the end, she did. She needed to believe it.

"No. I did not sleep with Noah." Firm, strong, and semi false… That sounded about right.

"Ok." She was still counting in her head. It was a necessary evil, but she was closing in on one thousand and she still felt the rage bubbling within. "What was he even doing here?" Did she not see the answer to that question? It seemed obvious enough. In truth, Shelby wasn't looking for a response to that. It was, indeed, clear what they were doing, but it was a thought she just happened to voice. She knew they were friends. All the glee members were friends. But her daughter and Puck… Really? She was totally ignoring the fact that Casey ever even floated the idea of Rachel being pregnant or ever having sex. Those were blank spots in her memory. She was trying really hard to just take what Rachel was saying at face value. It was harder than it should've been, but she was taking it in stride.

"Uh…"

"I thought you liked Finn Rachel."

Yeah, Finn who cheated on her time and again with Quinn, slept with Santana, and nearly molested her face at a party because he was drunk and wanted a kiss… What a catch… What wasn't there to like about him? "I did."

"What happened there? Why choose Puck?"

"Why does any of this matter? Can I go to my room?" If the yelling was over, then so was the talking. She wanted out. So she stood again and attempted to leave. Shelby wasn't allowing it that time either.

"Sit down." She commanded as she pulled Rachel back. If her daughter wanted a fight, she was going to give her one. She was trying to be even tempered, trying to keep herself calm, but she was just barely managing it. The more Rachel pushed her, the more on edge she became.

"I don't want to talk to you. I don't want to sit here and talk about boys or anything. Not with you. I just want to go to my room!" She didn't know if it was the racing of her heart and the adrenaline or the sheer panic and worry she was feeling, but she just snapped. She was actually yelling when Shelby was attempting not to. Of course she was. Rachel always made a bad situation worse. "I just want you to leave me alone!" So she kept going.

"Ok, we'll get back to the boy situation later. Right now, we need to discuss a few other things whether you want to or not." Her voice wasn't calm, but she wasn't yelling either. Well, she was, just not loudly. It was a mild yell and it was just as, if not more so, intimidating. "Sit your ass down Rachel or I'll make you sit." She knew it wasn't a threat. No, threats meant that it might not happen. Shelby was promising her trouble if she didn't sit. So she sat; reluctantly, but she sat as far away from her mother as she could.

"Happy now?" She jeered. "I'm sitting."

"Cut the attitude Rachel. I'm sick of this. It stops now. We have rules for a reason. And you're going to follow them." Her voice was firm and commanding. "Your teachers tell me you haven't been doing your work."

"Well, they're lying to you." It came out louder than she anticipated. She wanted it to sound convincing and less angry. What business was it of theirs to talk to her about anything? "I always do my work. Maybe they've misplaced it."

"I highly doubt that Rachel." Remain calm, she reminded herself; calm… "You've been missing classes too. Is this what you do? You come here and make out with random boys?"

"Noah is not a random boy and what I do is not your concern!"

"It is Rachel! It is my concern. You're my daughter. I am the parent here. This is my house. My rules." She hated that she was sounding like her own mother. She promised herself that would never be her. "And as long as you live here, you will follow them." She became more aggressive in her approach. She had been passive for too long and it got her nowhere. There needed to be a bit more bite to her bark. Apparently, she was going to be forced to try her bite a lot sooner than she planned.

"Maybe I don't want to live here! I never wanted to live here!" The calm they were trying to keep was quickly escalating.

The urge to shake some sense into her daughter and that feeling that she just wanted to slap her and make her see what was there for her made Shelby want space between them. They were no good to each other like that. She needed a few more hours to stew. "Go pack a bag Rachel."

"You're kicking me out?" Where would she go? What would she do? What had she done?

"Pack your pajamas and whatever you need for tonight and tomorrow. Then get into the car." She wouldn't look at her. She wouldn't even breathe in the same direction as her daughter. Even the littlest things would set her off. A simple eye roll would've earned Rachel a nice red handprint on her cheek or Shelby might've had to try out that age old over the knee thing her own mother swore by. "Please Rachel, just go…" She was pleading, a begging quality in her tone that Rachel rarely, if ever, heard in Shelby's voice. It only made her madder.

"Where am I going?"

"Go get your bag Rachel. You're going to your aunt's tonight." Forever if Casey wanted… Shelby just wanted it done. She was barely ready for a normal teenager and Rachel was anything but. She prepared herself for the attention hungry mini me Rachel always appeared to be. The reality was something she was so unprepared for. It was something she didn't know how to or ever anticipated needing to handle.

"Trying to get rid of me? Fine, I don't want to be here anyway. Maybe I'll never come back." Throwing that out there wasn't such a bad thing. She was considering it. If she thought there was a place for her somewhere else, she would've been long gone already. But there was nowhere. Any home she ever had now housed a new family that didn't include her. Anyplace she once felt at ease only held some sort of reminder of the failure she had become. So she had no choice but to stay exactly where she was; stuck…"You'd like that, wouldn't you?"

"Right now, yes." It was emotionless, still avoidant, though her hand was itching to strike.

"Just never see me again. Isn't that what you always wanted?"

Shelby stopped Rachel from continuing to her room, her hand wrapping around the thin arm once more. That was the only thing she could do. She needed Rachel to hear what she had to say; to really hear it. "That is not what I want." There were too many emotions in both of their eyes. Neither was in the right place to be having any real conversation. "Angry or not, I will always want you here."

Snatching her arm back, Rachel stared at her, not allowing herself to see the truth in the words. "Well, I hate you. You know?" Rachel said as she walked away. It was quiet. She didn't know whether she wanted Shelby to hear or not. She wanted her to hurt as much as she did. She wanted her to feel the pain she had been carrying in her heart, but a part of her didn't want Shelby to hear. In the moment she may have meant it. There were times she believed she hated Shelby, but, surprisingly, that wasn't one of them. Then, she just wondered if she ruined the only bit of "family" she had left. But maybe… maybe pushing them away was for the best. She didn't need them. In the end, they wouldn't want her anyway. She shouldn't ever get used to it… It was for the best.

"Well, I love you Rachel." Shelby spoke to the empty room. "And one day you'll understand why I do what I do… One day…"

Twenty minutes later, Rachel, silent except for the slamming of doors and stomping of feet, rushed to the car and to her aunt's. She said nothing, no goodbye to Shelby or hello to Casey, just stood there as the adults talked until Casey told her she could head up to the room. Nothing else was shared or said. There was a lot of nothing. The next day was when the punishment was given. Both of their heads were a mess. If she really thought about it, Casey's was too. She wanted to swoop in and be the broom that swept up the debris they were leaving behind, but it wasn't a disaster she could just clean. She loved having Rachel with her. Her husband did too. And she had no qualms with letting Rachel stay with her indefinitely, but that wouldn't fix things. That distance wouldn't make their hearts grow fonder, just their issues greater. That wasn't ok. It was something that needed to be worked on and she wanted to help as best she could, but even she was at a loss.

"Has she said anything to you at all?"

"No." Casey answered solemnly. She didn't know how to help either of them. "Once you and Beth left, she just went up to the room and hasn't come out since."

"Not once?" Casey should've been happy that she could finally hear the massive amount of concern she had been waiting for, but, if she did feel it, it was short lived. She didn't want the need to be concerned.

"Not once. I tried to talk to her, but the door was locked. Normally, I wouldn't accept that, but I figured that she needed the time. I tried to get her down for breakfast and then lunch, but nothing."

"Are you sure she's even in there? Maybe she snuck out. Apparently, it wouldn't be the first time."

"She's in there Shelby. She's not crazy enough to jump that far. There's no trellis or tree or any sort of help to get down from that room."

"I'd like to believe that."

"She's upset. So are you. It's understandable. Come sit for a while."

"I think I should just get her home and get this over with."

"Get what over with? You never did tell me what happened last night. You just called in a frenzy and asked if Rachel could stay the night. What happened?"

"We didn't get much talking done." After filling Casey in on the very unproductive meeting of the divas, she, with moisture in her eyes, quietly said, "She told me she hated me Casey. And there were times where I felt that was true, but I told myself it was just in my head. Hearing it… Hearing it out loud broke my heart. It's broken and I don't know if it can be put back together."

"It can and it will." Casey moved closer, pulling her sister into a one armed hug and comfortingly rubbing her back. "All kids say that. Danny said it to me when he was a kid. Beth will say it at some point too. All children do it. That doesn't mean they mean it."

"It's different with Rachel. She means it. She hates me."

"No… No sweetie, she doesn't. She loves you; she just doesn't know how to love you. She's making up for nearly 17 years without you, all the fights you missed out on and tantrums you missed. She's trying to fit it all in this small amount of time. But she loves you whether she knows it or not."

"I doubt it." Shelby sniffled.

"Listen to me Shelby. This is just another thing you can add to a long list of things that will eventually come back to her; the many wonderful moments of parenthood that no one ever tells you about. One day you're going to look back and say, 'you did that to me and now it's your turn.' You'll be the person she turns to when her own children tell her they hate her."

"It's the worst feeling in the world. I just… I don't know what to do anymore."

"Everything is going to be ok." Casey was trying to be the mediator, the know all fix all, but she wasn't sure that statement was true. With their newest family member, it seemed that every time things looked good, they took a turn for the south. So, however many times she said it, she couldn't be sure that everything would turn out ok. But she could hope and that had to be enough for now. Hope and faith were all they really had."Take a deep breath, wipe that ugliness and doubt off your face, and I'll go get Rachel."

"Yeah, you do that…"

"Hey," Casey started, a reassuring hand on Shelby's shoulder, "things will get better. Just give it time. And remember, I'm always here for you. Whenever you need me, for whatever, I'm here. And if you need me to take her from time to time, I will."

"Remember you said that when I send her back here tonight to keep me from murdering her in her sleep."

"What's tonight?"

"Let's just say, things are changing in the Corcoran household and Rachel will not be happy about it."

"I meant it Shelby. I'm always here for both of you." After that, she went to get the ill-tempered Rachel from one of the spare rooms and left Shelby to spruce herself up a bit.

Casey knocked on the door several times, hoping she was right and Rachel was still in there. Her efforts that morning, that whole day really, to get her to come out for a meal weren't her best tries, but she did try and Rachel didn't ever give her any response. If she didn't hear the girl walking around from time to time, she likely would've agreed with Shelby's assumption that she snuck out. She braced herself for that possible reality. "Rachel, it's Casey. Your mother's here to take you home."

That was enough to get Rachel to open the door. "She is not my mother and that is not my home."

"Easy Rachel. Down girl. Think what you want, but she is your mother and she cares about you. So go easy on her ok. You're both having a hard time. But skipping classes and sneaking boys into the house isn't ok. Listen to what she has to say ok? Be good, please… We all need a break and things are hard and you're going to get grounded, but you have to see that what you've been doing is wrong. Right?" More than just wrong… It was dangerous. But that wasn't what they were talking about; not directly.

"Can I go now?"

"One more thing." Casey said before Rachel could get too far.

"Yes?"

"I love you Rachel, and no matter what, you're not going to push us away. I'm always going to be here. Whenever ok? If you feel like things are too much at your house, just tell Shelby you're coming to me and I will make sure she's ok with it."

Rachel hesitated before finally nodding and saying, "Ok."

But trying for Casey's sake only went so far and Rachel and Shelby were in for a bumpy ride. As soon as they got home, Shelby told Rachel to sit down and stay put in the kitchen before leaving to put Beth in her playpen up in her room; away from the danger zone.

Rachel decided to give that one to Shelby. She stayed in her seat like a good little girl and waited for mommy. She told herself to one day inform Shelby she owed her big sister a thank you for so many things; that small victory one of them. Patiently, she sat there. She knew she would get in trouble. She assumed she'd be grounded. She didn't, however, anticipate just how far Shelby was going to go.

Shelby decided to waste no time as she entered the room and immediately sat across from her daughter. "Why are you skipping classes Rachel?" She decided to jump right in. They needed to just get it over with. Rip the band aid right off…

"I'm not." She lied.

"Stop it Rachel, stop lying to me. Just tell me why. Why don't you go to class? Why don't you do your work? Why?"

"I do go to class and I do, do my work. Maybe all my teachers are just like you."

"What does that mean?"

"Maybe they just don't notice or think about me. Maybe I'm just in their imagination for years until they meet me an immediately write me off because I'm not good enough."

"Is that really what you think Rachel?" She expected anger from Shelby, not compassion. She could work with the former. The latter was just confusing.

"It doesn't matter how I feel. I'm tired. Can I go to my room now? I promise not to miss anymore classes, though that is not an admission to my being absent from any classes without your knowledge, and I will do my work to a more satisfactory level. Does that mean we're done?"

"No Rachel, we're not done. It's more than that." She sighed. "I will arrange for a tutor to get you caught up on your work. Together, we will meet with each of your teachers for a list of assignments. If you do not comply, if you do not bring up your grades and start following the rules, then that's it. Then it's over; there'll be no more dance or glee, no freedom at all."

"You're such a bitch!"

"Alright Rachel, you want me to be a bitch, I'll be one."

"You are. You're a despotic bitch!" As angry as she was that her daughter was calling her a bitch, she was proud that she used the word despotic. That was weird, wasn't it? Yeah, it was weird.

But things were getting heated. Rachel had a face she had never seen before with no words to explain what it was. Both of their tempers were flaring and Rachel was racing to get out of there. She stood up so fast the chair she was sitting in fell backward with her movement. That just upset Shelby more.

"Great. I was trying to be rational. I was going to treat you like an adult and just talk to you, but you want to be the brat you are, then fine. You're grounded. No leaving the house without me or my permission. Other than dance or glee, you go from home to school and back with me or your aunt. There will be no rides from anyone. No friends."

"What friends?" She muttered just loud enough for the sounds to be heard but the words not clear.

"Shut up Rachel and listen because I will not repeat myself and I will not put up with this much longer." One of her hands was gripping Rachel as the other pointed a stern finger in her face. She really was becoming the next Maggie Corcoran… God she hated that. Shelby was turning into the one thing she promised herself she wouldn't; her mother.

"Then don't! Let me go!" She swatted Shelby's hands away which just caused her mother to grab tighter. "This is child abuse. I have half the mind to call the authorities."

"Listen and listen good little girl. This attitude. This acting out, skipping school and not doing work, bringing boys in the house when I'm not here… It's over. It's all over. Lockdown officially begins now. You're grounded until I tell you otherwise. When you go to your room you will see that your laptop, your iPod; everything electronic that you own is not there."

"You went into my room? You have no right to do that! That is my room. Not yours!"

"I will do whatever I want Rachel. Until you're 18, your ass is mine."

"I hate you!" It was like a slap in the face. "I hate you. You're a selfish bitch and I hate you!"

It was out of her control. Her brain wasn't completely connected to her limbs and she just did it. Her hand swiped across Rachel's cheek through its own volition. The sound of contact echoed in the room along with the sting. Neither could believe that just happened. There was a moment of silence where everything; time, life, all of it just seemed to stand still. Rachel's hand went to her cheek as Shelby's jaw fell open.

"Rachel I'm…"

"Save it!" She hissed.

"Drop the attitude little miss." Yes, she hit her daughter, but the attitude might push her to do it again.

"You hit me and that's what you say?" Rachel gave her a look of disgust before storming out in true diva fashion. Her feet stomped with each hurried step as Shelby chased after her yelling something she wasn't listening to. It was another rough evening; another rough end for a lousy week.

Things only got worse when they got to her room. Shelby was trailing just a few seconds behind. "Rachel." She called over and over, trying just to get her to listen. Nothing would work. She knew that logically, but neither was thinking like that. It was a conversation solely fueled by emotion. But then she stopped. Rachel was still, standing in the idle of her room looking around. "Rachel?"

"Where's my elliptical?" She was hoping to avoid this confrontation. She tried to, but Rachel was all go, go, go and Shelby couldn't get her to stop, stop, stop.

"It's gone."

"Gone?! What do you mean gone?"

"It's no longer in this house Rachel." It was actually, just hidden away from her.

"So not only did you go through my room, my private area, but you removed things that were not yours to touch?"

"I am the mother; I get to do whatever I want."

"Some mother you are."

"Rachel you have no right…" Beth was no longer oblivious to the mayhem in the house, her cries adding to the crazy atmosphere.

"What kind of mother lets her daughter cry? You better tend to the baby. She's the only daughter you have."

"Rachel…" It was pleading, but that was all she had in her. Each word from the girl's mouth was another stab to the chest.

"You should go. Beth needs you." She was calm too calm. It was a 180 in 10 seconds flat.

"Rachel we're not done."

"So finish." She said emotionlessly.

"You are no longer allowed to see Puck."

"What? You can't dictate who I can and cannot be friends with."

"I can and I will. I don't know what your relationship with him is, but it's clear you're a little too comfortable with him and his anatomy. So you will not see him." Rachel half listened as she moved to the window, suddenly halting completely and turning to Shelby with a glare.

"Are there locks on my window?"

"Yes, there's no more…."

"Get out."

"Excuse me?"

"Get out. Get out! GET OUT!" Rachel went full on crazy. She grabbed the nearest thing she could find and chucked it in Shelby's direction. "I hate you. You being in my life, just knowing you has ruined everything! I hate you! Get out!"

Rachel forcefully shoved Shelby out of the room as the throwing stopped. Barely exiting the doorway, the heavy wooden door was slammed in her face. "Rachel?" She asked after a moment of eerie silence sent her into a panic.

"What happened to my lock? There's no lock on my door."

"I took it off." She said through the door. She went to open it, but Rachel's tiny body, frail as it was, was more powerful than she imagined.

"This is why I hate you. You can't even give me my space. I hate you Shelby! I hate you! You are not my mother. I wish it was you that died instead of them. I wish it was you!"

Any pressure she put on the door to open disappeared after she heard that. She wanted to die. She wanted to run away, to crawl up in a ball and die… Those words broke her; affected her more than Rachel would ever know. The world ceased to exist as she zombie walked to her bedroom. Closing the door behind her, Shelby slid down the wood panel, with tears in her eyes as she listened to her daughters screams; both daughters. It was like anguish embodied in human form. Beth was crying and she couldn't help her. Rachel was throwing things, screaming at her over and over, repeating how much she hated her. And all she could do was listen as her heart broke a little more with each cry. Her daughter hated her. She truly hated her. Rachel would probably never forgive her, but it was worth it. It had to be worth it. Didn't it?

That week following, which was also the week before the therapy session, was both amazing and terrible at the same time. The words and actions haunted them. Shelby was incredibly hurt and Rachel was guilty enough to feel it, but also not sympathetic in the least. In many ways, she felt her mother deserved it. The fighting every time they were in the same room wasn't fun. And her grounding wasn't a pleasant experience either, but at least, the anger let them get out of things. If Shelby was too wound up, she just sent Rachel to her room early. And if Rachel wanted out, she just raised her voice enough to push Shelby to the point that she'd let her go to Casey's if she was lucky, but usually it just sent her to bed early. So it got her out of doing certain chores and, on occasion, having to abide by her strict dietary routine that Shelby set up for her. That was a definite plus. But there wasn't much good in the situation.

But after therapy, things were different. So maybe, in some ways, they did change. At least the fighting stopped. That was different. They were still kind of living in their own brand of the perpetual silent treatment, but there wasn't yelling every two seconds they were in the same room together. So there was that. Casey enjoyed that. Even her strong resolve needed a break every now and then. She had enough of the peacemaking to last her a lifetime. And, while she loved having her niece over all the time, having Rachel with her didn't help them heal.

Things weren't better, but they weren't worse. Their lives became yet another new routine. Mornings consisted of a rude awakening after a restless night, forced family breakfast that she only picked at and was subsequently yelled at for, the general morning bathroom routine, and off to school. Once at school, Shelby escorted her to her locker and brought her to their classroom. For Rachel it sucked to have her mother following her around, but it kept the slushies at a minimum. It was a perk to start the day together; at least for Shelby. It made keeping an eye on things easier. She got to separate Rachel from Puck, forcing Rachel to sit in the front row where she could see all and she got to make sure the work was being done.

She couldn't watch her every second. That was a fact, but she was going to do her best to enforce all the new rules. No need for curfew because Rachel wasn't going anywhere. Lunches were spent together. Rachel was no longer allowed to loiter in the auditorium or practice in the choir room. Instead, Shelby forced her to eat the home packed lunch she brought for them every day in her classroom and made her sit there until the bell rang and they both had to head to class. Rachel hated every second of it. Shelby loved it. She could control so much there that it made her happy. She didn't have to worry about Rachel when she was right in front of her.

Straight after school they had glee. Even when she wasn't helping out, Shelby stayed around, always within calling distance. Though, it was getting closer to competition time so she was usually there working on set list ideas. They were still stuck on the original songs. It worked for them. It took courage, so that was what they decided to do, but it didn't hurt for her to come up with something in case it came down to one of Mr. Schuester's last minute things. That was how it worked there.

But that was neither here nor there. The issue at hand was Rachel. Right after glee they went home for a quick meal and whatever appointment the day brought; nutritionist, tutor, psychologist. There was always somewhere to be. And at the end of the night, as the day winded down, they returned home once more. Shelby would give Rachel a small snack after her shower, and she would watch as Rachel sat at the kitchen table and finished her homework. There was no time for anything else. Knowing that actually helped Shelby. She got time with both her daughters and she got to know they were safe. That was all she wanted as a mother. She would've preferred it be a choice rather than a necessity, but after their fight, she took what she could get. She was as happy as she could be given the circumstance.

Rachel, on the other hand, was getting antsy. The only exercise she got was at dance and glee which wasn't enough. With the window locks and elliptical gone, there was no other outlet for her. She threw up when she could, though Shelby watched her like a hawk. And she ran in place when the opportunity presented itself, but there just weren't enough hours in the day. She barely had enough time for her rituals and those took precedence over anything else.

She couldn't take it though. She couldn't take the weight gain and the calories galore that was pushed in her face every day, especially when she was barely doing anything to counter act it. It was becoming so frustrating that she found herself opening old wounds. Her razor found its way tracking over old scars, reopening the flesh that once healed. That was her way of dealing. She couldn't see Puck or her friends (Kurt). Puck tried. They talked when they could, but they were both suffering in the absence. They had the occasional late night rendezvous when he could find a way in, but it wasn't often. The only time they had was when they were practicing or in class.

It sucked, but so did everything else. And if she had her exercise and her normal control, she probably could've dealt with it. But she didn't have much of anything. Still, she did as she planned and found other ways to get what she needed. She stopped taking the diet pills and everything once she moved in with Shelby. Being the controlling, conniving, something of a woman she was, Shelby started reading her credit card statements and she changed the allowance on the card. Her fathers never did that. They trusted her and gave her that money to live off of. Shelby had no right to go about changing the system, but she did anyway.

And online purchasing was the only way to get what she needed. She wasn't 18 and they did check her ID at the register. She tried it once, walked up with big sunglasses on and her hair done as if to make her older. She left embarrassed and empty handed. No one looked for actual age online and she could buy anything there. But it had to stop once she moved in all because Shelby had to put her nose where it didn't belong. And at first it was ok. At first she just over compensated with extra exercise in her free time, of which she had plenty, but now things were piling up. Of course, she still used laxatives regularly and diuretics when she could get her hands on them, but they were in combination with her daily run and elliptical. Now she barely had time to breathe with everything else Shelby was making her participate in. So it was time for the big guns.

She became crafty. Reloadable gift cards did the trick. When she had the chance to sneak over to Casey's, she ordered several different brands online and had them delivered, discretely, to Noah's house. She told him it was an outfit Shelby wouldn't approve of and she didn't want her to see it before she wore it. That got him to stop asking questions. He was too busy drooling over the prospect to care. As soon as he received it, and she paid extra for overnight delivery, he brought it to her at school. It worked out. She got what she needed and no one was the wiser. Pop one of these with breakfast to "boost metabolism all day long." Take one of those with lunch to "melt those pounds right off your body." Finally, take the red ones with dinner to "burn twice as many calories." She didn't always take all three, but she certainly wasn't doing her body any favors.

She knew it wasn't smart to mix so many different drugs. In her logical mind she saw that. But logic took a back seat to need and she needed it. She needed to take them, all of them, for her sanity. She couldn't be fat. She already gained too much. How could she possibly get on any stage looking the way she did? How would Renee feel if she picked a blubbering pig to be her prima ballerina?

She couldn't allow herself to be the train wreck she felt she was becoming. She wouldn't be that girl. She wasn't pretty or perfect and she never would be, but she could lose weight. She could be closer to that perfection she craved. The pills would help her until the grounding was lifted and exercise, which she maintained shouldn't be included as a restriction in her grounding, was allowed again, well then maybe she'd stop; or at least stick to one brand. Seriously though, what kind of parent discourages their kid from being active and healthy? What was wrong with her mother?

Whatever. She never knew what Shelby was thinking. But the pills became her saving grace. They gave her energy when she had none. They allowed her to work four times as hard on the dance floor. It even seemed to give her performance a little edge. Maybe it was just in her head, but it seemed to be helping her out. At the very least, it gave her back part of what she was missing. And she needed that. It gave her a little of her control back when all her choices were left up to Shelby. What she did and when she did it were determined by mommy dearest, but her body was hers and hers alone. No one could take that form her. Unless, of course, they killed her… But she didn't foresee that. Who would care enough to kill her?

Time passed quickly. Every day was more of the same. She was growing crazier and crazier. She needed away from Shelby. She needed away from that neurosis; from everybody else's crazy. She heard too many of her own voices to be dealing with theirs too. Puck, Santana, and even Kurt let up about her weight and eating; probably because she was getting fatter and fatter everyday and that was the worst punishment of all. She felt disgusted with herself, repulsed every time Noah went to touch her. It was sickening. Why would anyone want to look at her, never mind touch her? But for some reason, he did. At least the pills were helping a little. The more she took them, the more she lost. A few weeks made a world of difference.

It was nearing the end of May and it was time for Nationals. They waited all year for it, and they actually had a shot, so they were all excited. They were going to be in New York and they had a chance at a national title. Things seemed to be looking up. The fittings were a mess. The dresses were nice, but not on her; not to her. To her, they were just another reminder of the things she had to hide and the flab she wished they couldn't see. But, thankfully, they were black and loose so the fitting was more slip these on and see if they fit than actual sewing and tape measures. And the black would help hide those pesky flaws, but she didn't know what she was going to do about the cuts.

She tried to resist going anywhere near her arms in the weeks leading up to Nationals, but she couldn't. She couldn't control that urge so she did it. And there was evidence. So she would have to find a way to cover that up, but her main concern as they all gathered on the plane, was finishing their songs. They had one done. One of their three songs was completely ready. They had one free night in New York to finish the rest. Whose idea was it to use original songs again?

Mr. Schue instructed them that the songs needed to be finished by the next morning for their run through. They only had one so that was their only chance to work out all the kinks. Once they landed, they had a few hours to explore the city before curfew, but he reminded them again that they had to be serious. If they didn't finish the songs, that was it. Then they'd be forced to use songs they hadn't even attempted to practice yet. Everything was on them.

"Don't you think that's a little too much pressure to put on them?" Shelby asked him as they took their seats on the plane. She didn't know if it would hurt Rachel more to have such stress put on her. Things may have appeared better on that front, but Shelby was smart enough to know that didn't mean they were actually better. "They're just kids."

"Says the woman who worked her team until their feet bled."

"It only happened once." Parents complained after that and their dance rehearsals were given mandatory limits. "And they're not VA. They're a totally different group of kids."

"They'll be fine Shelby." Or not, but it didn't matter then. What was happening was going to happen. The pilot's voice came over the speaker and told them they were preparing for takeoff. Shelby was satisfied with the seating arrangements. Puck was two rows behind Rachel who was sitting in the window seat next to Kurt and Tina. Everyone else was scattered about in the same small area sitting in couples and cliques.

Shelby listened as the students chatted. She listened as Will talked about something or other that she'd normally pay attention to, but her mind was elsewhere. About mid flight, she saw Rachel get up from her seat and scoot through the two pairs of legs to make it into the aisle. "Where are you going?"

"Bathroom." She stated simply. They were still barely on speaking terms. They were just civil enough to be passable.

Through her peripheral vision, Shelby saw Puck standing just a few feet away just standing there nonchalantly like he was waiting. Waiting for Rachel? "If I hear any noises coming from back there, you're both dead." Shelby gave them both the stink eye. There will be no special memberships earned on that flight. Not on her watch… Not with her daughter…

Rachel just rolled her eyes and headed toward the back of the plane. "Hi Noah." She said.

"Hey Rachel." He pulled her into a hug. It felt like forever since he got to do that.

"I've missed you."

"I missed you too babe. You have no idea." So they were cramped in a tiny bathroom hugging and talking. If that was the only time they were going to get, then fine; they'd take it. "How are you doing? You look good." He really did care about her and everyday they were apart he was scared for her. He knew her mind was a dark place. He saw that first hand. So every chance he got, he asked how she was doing. Seldom would she be honest, but to make it seem real, she would add a rough day every now and then.

"I'm doing well Noah, I swear."

"Good." He kissed her. "That's what I like to hear. Do you think Shelby will let you out for a little while since we're in New York?"

"I hope so, but knowing her, she'll want to teach me a lesson. That or she'll follow me around like I'm a dog on her leash." She sighed. Yeah, she could see Shelby doing that; either one of those things.

"If she does, I want to take you out. We haven't been on a real date yet."

She smiled a real smile and her eyes lit up just a little. "You want to take me on a date? In the best city in the world?"

"I want to take you on a date in the city you're going to be a household name in someday."

"I like the sound of that." Too bad she didn't believe it.

"Even if we can't go on a date, maybe we can sneak some alone time by the hotel pool."

"Swimming?" She didn't even want to consider putting on a bathing suit.

"Clothes optional." He was joking, but her face turned sour and she pushed away from him. "I'm kidding. We don't have to swim; I just want to hang out with you."

"We have to work on the song, but we'll find some time for each other. I miss you holding me. Shelby has been such a bitch lately. She put locks on my window Noah. Locks! Who does that?" She continued ranting until she looked at him. "Why are you smirking like that?"

"You're all hot when you get worked up."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah." They spent the next five minutes going at each other's faces before Rachel finally regained some sense and told him she had to get back before Shelby came looking. He reluctantly agreed and returned to his seat while she "freshened up" a bit.

It wasn't a long flight, just a few short hours in the air and another few in baggage claim for the bag with the uniforms they had to check, but it was enough to be tiring. It was still early in the day when they left the airport to check into the hotel. And after that and room assignments, they all went their own way.

Kurt and Rachel, after convincing Shelby she would literally die if she was locked up in the hotel, went to tour Broadway. The theatre district was amazing. Being in New York was the first time in so long that she could remember feeling truly happy. There were moments before where she felt it; small occasions that brought about a simple, genuine smile, but it was different there. Just the smell of car pollution and the crowded streets were enough to make her feel like she was home. Even if just a passing sentiment, she felt like her dreams were possible; that she still had a future. She had a moment where she took a breath of the city air and said, "I made it." And, for the brief second, she felt like she truly had.

She really loved New York.

And she did get her date with Noah. She and Finn were supposed to be working on their song. They were given the duet and Schue left it up to them to create their song. But Finn was nowhere to be found. So, instead, while the rest of them finished the group number, she worked on that with Noah. That was how they spent their night; cuddled up on the couch in one of the hotel's unused conference rooms with his guitar and some sheet music. They were doing their thing and doing it well. And they snuck back into their rooms before anyone could miss them. Shelby was none the wiser.

Mr. Schue, and even Shelby, was impressed with their creations. But they sat there and watched group after group get on that stage and their confidence began to dwindle. The competition was amazingly good. They didn't know if they were good enough. And to make matters worse, Rachel was having the worse case of stage fright she ever had; mostly because she rarely had it, but it was pretty bad. She would be going out there singing a song that was her own, and Puck's too, but her work. What if they hated it? What if it sucked? What if she messed up?

"You ok Berry?" Santana asked catching Kurt's attention.

"Diva you look a little pale. Are you ok?"

"I'm fu… fine. I just need to use the restroom." She stood and politely made her way through the crowd only stopping in front of the chaperones to inform them of her intended location.

She almost made it to the bathroom without running into anyone. "Ah, Rachel. We meet again. Santana. Kurt."

"Hello Jesse." There was indifference in her voice. Bad things tended to happen when he came around. And it wasn't his fault. He had his flaws, but he wasn't totally a bad guy. Things just happened with him.

"Ok Curly Q, leave my girl alone. We don't have time for your crap." Wow, Santana was sticking up for her… to Jesse. When did they even get there? Were Kurt and Santana following her?

"Santana, that was unnecessary. He was only saying hello."

"Yeah, until he goes all competitor on you and drags out the eggs."

"Santana."

"It's ok Rachel. She's just looking out for you. I only wanted to wish you the best of luck." He said as he began walking away. "You're going to need it. You'll regret not joining us when you had the chance…"

"Did he say anything to you?"

"What was it? Was it bad?" Kurt asked.

"He only said hello, just like I told you. Now, if you'll excuse me, I must use the restroom. I assume that's also where you're headed?"

"Yeah."

"Of course Diva. After you." They all did whatever needed to be done in the bathroom. Truth was she didn't have to go. She just wanted some air. She was beginning to get intimidated by all the talent in that room and started questioning her own abilities. And she needed to add a little extra foundation to her arm. She couldn't touch anything without it rubbing off and she needed to keep the cuts hidden. There were no gloves as a convenient alibi that time. But it was done and it was time to get back.

"Why are you stopping?" asked Santana as Rachel came to a halt in front of a water fountain.

"I just need a drink. I'll be right behind you." She did need a drink to wash down the pills in her pocket, but she also needed to fix the makeup by her wrist. It must've smudged off when she was washing her hands.

"Ok." Kurt began to say but Santana stepped in.

"We'll wait."

"I'll be ok. Just go. I'll be right there." She assured them as she kept her hand behind her back.

Santana looked at her with curious knowing eyes. She may not have known the exact what, but she knew something was going on. Still, she left; kind of. She and Kurt went just around the corner to spy on their resident diva. Kurt wasn't sure why they were doing it, but when Santana suddenly stopped and peeked suspiciously around the bend, he was inclined to join her.

"Why are we doing this?"

"Shh."

They watched as Rachel pulled a little baggie out of her hand bag and emptied its contents into her hand. They watched as she lifted whatever it was to her mouth and followed it up with a gulp of water. "Is that…? What is that? Drugs?"

"Shut up Frodo." Santana quipped. "Go back to Kansas and keep your mouth shut."

"What are you going to do?"

"Just go. We'll be in there soon."

"But what was that?"

"Listen Kurt, just go and don't say anything. Not until after, ok?" He nodded and reluctantly left. Considering her next move, Santana continued to observe Rachel. What was she doing? From the angle she had it just looked like Rachel was staring at her wrist, rubbing it and examining it. "What the hell?" She asked herself as she saw an angry red line visible on her flesh as Rachel moved her left hand away from it. There it was a big fresh scar and a fairly new cut. That was it. She practically charged after Rachel, stopping just a foot short of her.

"Oh, Santana, I thought you returned to the auditorium." Rachel said once she noticed the Latina, her hand quickly put down by her side.

"What the hell are you doing Rachel? Are you trying to kill yourself?"

"Don't be absurd. Where would you come up with such a ridiculous notion?"

"Let me see your hand Rachel."

"Excuse me? My hand?"

"Yeah Berry, your hand. Let me see it."

"Sure, no problem." She lifted her hand, a false sense of composure and confidence. She knew it was covered up, but there was always the possibility. "I don't know what it is you wish to find."

"Let me see the other one." She gave the left first. Santana wanted to see the right. With bated breath, Rachel passed her hand over for inspection. At first, Santana just looked, which allowed Rachel to breathe again, but then, she went for the touch. Her thumb swiped across the delicate wrist revealing the scar from her recent stitches. "What is that Rachel?"

"That… The… That's a scar. I… I had an accident that required stitches." Not totally untrue. "Ask Puck. He knows."

Realization dawned on her. "That's why he was worried. That was why he wanted me to watch you. Did you… Did you do that on purpose?"

"What? No!" She pulled her hand back.

"You did!" She insisted. She knew. There was no doubt in her mind. Things were very clear. "How long have you been doing that?"

"Santana…" Rachel started to explain but Kurt came out of the auditorium doors almost running.

"Come on, we have to head backstage. We're up after this next group. You missed Vocal Adrenaline. They were… They were robots, but talented robots…" He took a moment to catch his breath and read the seriousness of their faces. "Am I interrupting?"

"Yes." Santana snapped.

"No." Rachel shook her head. "No Kurt, you're not. Santana was just telling me that my song better be good."

"It is good. Come on. We have to get ready."

Hands crossed and awkward tension lingering, they all made their way backstage to join their group. Rachel could feel the disapproving eyes on her all the way there. They seemed to be coming from more people than just Santana. Kurt kept looking her over. And Shelby wasn't looking at her like she was a saint. The day sucked. She didn't see the rest of it going any better.

"Ok guys, gather around. We made it to New York…" Mr. Schue started in on his speech as Rachel drifted off. She heard none of it. It really didn't matter. She was fighting the insecurities that were building in that room. The glaring and looking down on her wasn't helping. "We're up next. Everyone ready?"

"Yes!" They all said, excited at the prospect; everyone but Rachel…

When they got out there, things were going fine. The pills were starting to set in and Rachel's energy was high. Her focus was laser and her mind was all in. But that didn't mean she wasn't nervous. Santana was still right there in her thoughts looking at her with such sadness and pity… But she had to stay with the music. She just had to lose herself in the notes.

As the music started for the song she helped write, she couldn't help but think of Puck. The longing… The running… The denial… The bonds… It was all there in that song. With each word she thought more of him. It didn't matter if it was her and Finn singing. It didn't matter if she was playing into the emotion with someone else. That was just a part. Singing, she only saw Noah. Her and Noah. They were complicated and crazy and they had so much against them, but he was the only person that didn't make her feel as damaged as she was and she didn't even think he tried.

The last note rang out as Finn gazed into her eyes. She held the same stare as was customary. The audience needed to believe the song was about them, but she saw something she didn't like. There was a longing in his eyes. Or maybe it was a lust. Either way, she didn't see it coming. She didn't anticipate the lean in. She didn't anticipate his lips on hers. She was definitely as surprised as everyone else as it happened. She didn't want that to happen. The music was changing, going on to the next song, and all she felt was paralyzed. What just happened?

They ended in a daze. She didn't even know how she made it through the last of it, but she did. There were no good jobs as they finished; no sincere ones. Quinn gave her a look of repulsion, but it wasn't up to its usual standards. She saw it coming. Finn was always wishy washy, going from one of them to the other and back again. Though, she thought after the date they had that night they were more on than off, but Quinn should've seen it coming; she did, but she didn't. So she wasn't as angry as she might have been earlier.

People were worried that the kiss would cost them. They were furious when they learned that it did and they placed 12th. But Rachel could deal with all of them. She could take that like she always did, and she was forced to because they made it very clear that it was her fault. And she could take Jesse's "I told you so." But she couldn't take that from Noah. She needed to know that he wasn't upset with her. She needed to tell him that wasn't what she wanted. Him… Only him… that was all she wanted. Though, listening to a mad Santana, who was friendly and concerned for her only hours prior, was hard too.

New York was ruined. It was ruined by Finn. It was ruined by failure. It was just ruined. The plane ride home felt long and lonely. She felt the occasional look her way. It was usually one of anger; or she mistook it for such. Everyone blamed her; not Finn, just her. But she tried to clear it up. It wasn't planned, certainly not on her part. People didn't want to hear it though. Shelby made sure they had a "talk." Shelby wanted her to know what was and wasn't acceptable. Apparently, everything she was doing fell on the unacceptable list. And Schue tried not to let it show, but he was disappointed. For something she built up in her head, the trip wasn't at all like she expected. Though she anticipated the failure as was her norm, it sure hurt a lot to realize she was right.

She did have a chance to talk to Noah. He got it. He understood that Finn was a douche, but it didn't make it easier. He was still pissed, but he was trying not to be angry with her. He was trying and failing. At least he was still there. Things would cool down… eventually.

Puck came around. She wasn't talking to Finn. Kurt wasn't ever completely angry with her just upset by the loss. Everyone else just got over it. The defeat settled into disappointment, but the reminder that it was her fault came in handy for those punchy little quips that people liked to throw at her. To make matters worse, she was still grounded. That seemed like an indefinite sentence. But she was surviving; barely but still.

Kurt and Santana were still unsure of what to do. They saw Rachel take drugs before the competition. They didn't know what she took or why, so they didn't want to jump to conclusions. But, they were jumping to conclusions. They were sure whatever she took, she probably shouldn't have. They didn't know how to make heads or tails of it. They were lost. And Santana couldn't neglect the fact that she saw Rachel's cuts. She didn't tell Kurt about that. She couldn't. He was Porcelain; fragile, breakable… He didn't need anything else to worry about. So she took that to Puck. They talked. She got him to tell her the story. She practically had to drag it out of him. But when she heard it, she wanted to hit him. How did he not do anything about it? How did he not try to get her help? Didn't he see that that, along with everything else, was just a cry for help? Why was no one helping her?

"I thought she was doing better. She promised me she stopped." He defended.

"And you believed her?" She asked incredulously.

"Yeah."

"Idiot."

Together, they formed an idea. After Rachel's recital on Sunday, they were going to sit her down and give her a glee-vention. Puck, Kurt, and Santana were going to confront her. They had so many different things to choose from too. There was the food thing, the pill thing, and the cutting thing. So there was a lot to discuss. But they couldn't do it alone. They put it off for so long, but with the information they had, they had to tell an adult. They had to talk to Mr. Schue or Shelby. Though, what help would they be? They hadn't seemed to have much impact thus far. They spent their Saturday going over it all, deciding just how they wanted to play things. What did they want to say? What were the most important things to say? And how did they tell Shelby? How did a kid tell a parent their child was hurting?

They had a lot to work through, but so did Rachel. Her family was all in town. Grandma and grandpa were staying with Casey for the weekend just to see her perform on Sunday. It was finally recital time and Rachel couldn't have been more nervous. She thought Nationals' nerves were bad, but this was worse. After the debacle that was Nationals, she didn't have much faith that she would shine at all. But Renee was her cheerleader. Renee boosted her up and told her how great she'd be. If only Rachel could believe that. She was worried about every aspect of the recital. The dance was a story told through motion and she wasn't sure she was capable of doing it justice. Her costume made her look like she weighed a thousand pounds and her new slippers weren't fully broken in. In the last rehearsal, she fell landing one of her leaps. She missed a few steps too. In her head, she was a disaster in tights, but Renee promised her she'd be fine. In fact, the day before, she told Rachel. "You have this down. You could do it in your sleep. That's why we picked you. You're gifted and hardworking. Have faith Rachel. Believe in yourself. Now go home, rest up, and I'll see you nice and early."

"Thanks Renee."

"See you tomorrow Rachel."

When she got home, the whole family was waiting for her. They were, apparently, going out for a nice dinner. That wasn't something she wanted to do the night before such a big day. Her plans included a few sneaky phone calls to see if Kurt and Noah were still going to the recital, a long bath, and absolutely no food. But she wasn't given much choice. They were there for her; the least she could do was make an effort. That was what Shelby told her. Yeah, they weren't doing much better, but they weren't doing any worse. It was a dinner she just had to suffer through.

The next morning was a whirlwind. She got up at 5:45, did her morning rituals, showered, and then dressed in her warm up leotard. Her costume was safe and secure in its garment bag and she wouldn't be putting it on until last minute. Puck and Kurt were confirmed. Kurt would be sitting with her family as Noah kept his distance. They didn't want the Corcorans to know he was there. That would've been asking for trouble and they didn't need that. The friends made plans to meet up afterward. A celebration of Rachel's great work was what they called it, but Rachel had no idea what was really in store.

By 7, Rachel was at the theatre where the recital was being held. They used the same one for years so she had no trouble just heading in and using the extra hour to have her own run through before everyone got there for the last rehearsal at 8. She was nervous. That was an understatement. It was her first lead in a real dance production. They were doing a full length ballet with the intergraded classes. Usually they had age groups and separation. And they had that. The little kids had their performance Saturday morning. But all the advanced classes were together, and it was her chance. She beat out other girls for that chance and she was terrified of letting everyone down; of having her family see her fail. So she had to practice. She had to go over every step and do everything she could until she knew she had it down. Even if that was the death of her…

Meanwhile, the family was gathering. Beth was with a sitter and the show started at 11:30, so they wanted to be there a little after 11 to get good seats. Figuring he would just drive with Rachel after the recital, because she was letting her off restriction for one day only, the girl needed a break, Shelby and her parents swung by Kurt's to pick him up. As they arrived and began to head in, Kurt decided it was time to at least broach the subject and politely tried to get Shelby's attention.

"Ms. Corcoran."

"We're out of school Kurt. I told you, you can call me Shelby."

"Ok, Shelby, there was… there is… There's something… Well, there's something I'd like to talk to you about." He was voted most likely to be believed and thus given the job to tell Shelby about everything.

"Ok Kurt. What is it?"

"Well… I just… I don't want to talk about it here. Not now. I was wondering if I could just have a moment of your time once this is over."

"Sure Kurt. Whatever you need."

"Thank you." He breathed a sigh of relief. He was worried about how she'd react and, because of the look on his face, she was worried about what he had to say. But it would have to hold. She just wanted to focus on her daughter. Rachel never let her watch her dance and this was her opportunity. She was looking forward to it.

Ten minutes before curtain and Rachel was applying the cover up to her arms. She bought the kind that wouldn't rub off so easily. She learned from her mistakes.

"You look hot in that."

"Noah." She said happily.

"I just wanted to wish you luck or tell you to break a leg or whatever."

"Thank you Noah."

"I didn't know if I could come back here, but I wanted to see you."

"It's ok. I'm happy you did. I wanted to see you too." Things were normal between them again; as normal as they could be with the secrets they were keeping. "But you should get back out there. I have to get ready."

"We're still going out with Kurt and Santana after? She knows you're my girl now. So does Kurt."

"I know, and yes. As long as Shelby doesn't change her mind, I can't wait to get out of that house. Shelby's whole family is here."

"I know. I saw the Brady bunch. Sat as far away from them as I could."

"I would too. Where are you sitting?"

"Third row, to the left of the stage. If you get nervous, just look for me."

"Thanks Noah. Go get back to your seat."

It was sweet of him to stop by and wish her luck. He was much more gentlemanly than anyone ever gave him credit for. And he actually helped ease some of her butterflies, but it was time. She tightened the bow on her slippers, and took her place. It was do or die, but she unleashed her secret weapon. Just 10 minutes prior, she took all three of her pills. The energy wave from the caffeine in them was bound to hit her just as she made it onto the stage. She was ready; as ready as she'd ever be. So curtains went up, the music started playing, and she was taking the stage.

The audience watched in awe of the performance. Shelby felt so proud, their entire family captivated by Rachel. She looked so flawless out there. The height on her jumps… The steadiness of her turns… She was perfect. She was a true ballerina out there telling the character's story so fluently and so cleanly. The movements seemed effortless in their beauty. No one could take their eyes off of her, especially not Puck. Dance may not have been his thing, but Rachel was and he was enjoying every minute of the show.

Come intermission, and Rachel was feeling the strain. Her body felt out of whack. Her head was spinning and light and heavy all at once. She thought it was dehydration so she chugged some water. That helped, a bit, but the feeling was still there. The pounding in her chest seemed out of sync. Something just wasn't right. She felt that. She could sense that. But the show had to go on. Her big part was coming up and she had to be flawless. She had surprised herself thus far only making minor mistakes, but she wasn't getting cocky. If anything, she was probably being more self-deprecating. There was no room for error. It didn't matter if she felt sick. What mattered was that she forgot about it and just got back out there. And that was what she tried to do. One breath at a time, one blink at a time, one moment at a time, she just went through it and gave her all.

Everyone was on the edge of their seat as the story reached its crescendo. Rachel came along for her solo; no one on the stage but her and a boy her age. Blooming like a flower, she shed the top layer of her skirt. She was lifted in the air by the boy's strong arms. She was twirled and she leapt and they couldn't be any prouder than they were just watching her do something she was so natural at. Dancing and singing; when she did it and they got to watch her, it was like there was no one else in the room because all eyes were on her.

The show was coming to an end. The resolutions were upon them and the stage was filled. Rachel was leading a small group across the stage as the music tapered off and the curtains began to close. The whistles and clapping filled the room. Parental pride was on max settings as they all cheered for their children. It was a job well done. It only got louder when the curtains opened again, the dancers taking their final bows and receiving their due praise. Through it all, it didn't matter that there was still animosity between mother and daughter. All that mattered was how proud she was and how she couldn't wait to tell Rachel just that.

"She was amazing Shelby." Maggie said.

"She really was." Casey agreed. "I've watched her before, but she was just breathtaking today."

"Let's go head out and meet her backstage." Nodding, they all grabbed their things and rushed out before the rest of the departing families crowded the aisles. Kurt wanted to have that talk before they met with Rachel, but it would have to wait.

Making small talk amongst themselves, the group made their way backstage only to be met with a sight they didn't want to see; one they hoped to never see and weren't expecting…

Rachel was still feeling off as she stepped off stage. Her body was in overdrive. Her heart didn't seem to want to stop drumming so hard. Sweat was dripping down her forehead almost disgustingly so and her breathing was labored. "Are you ok?" One of the dancers asked.

"Yes, fine thank you." She lied. "I just need some water."

"Ok." The girl walked away not questioning her again.

Rachel took a moment to still herself in hopes it would make whatever she was feeling go away. But deep breaths and water and everything else she was trying just wasn't working. Was that what a heart attack felt like? Was she dying? What was going on?

"Rachel." Renee called for her, the sound of excitement in her voice. Rachel whipped around to face the sound, something she shouldn't have done. The dizziness immediately set in hitting her harder and faster. "I just wanted to tell you how great you did out there. You were… I was speechless."

"Tha… thank… you."

"Rachel, sweetie, what's wrong?"

"I don't…. I…" Her body couldn't bear its own weight any longer and her legs just gave out. The world around her spun as she fell, her body reverberating as it hit the hard linoleum floor.

"Rachel?" Renee kneeled next to her. "Rachel, say something. Rachel?!"

That was the scene they witnesses as they went to congratulate her on a job well done. They got there just in time to see the fall. One dark haired dancer just fell and didn't get back up again. And Shelby saw it. She and Casey watched as their hearts stopped beating. They waited. They waited to see her get back up. They waited to see some movement. But nothing came. Immediately, they ran to her, the rest of the family staying back. They ran to their daughter, theirs because essentially they were both raising the girl, as they heard her name being called with no response.

"Rachel? Rachel?!" The ballet troop and instructors all crowded around her.

"Someone call 911." They heard somebody yell. Casey got down beside them looking for any signs of life.

"Hey, hey Rach. Stay with me. Stay with me Rachel." Casey pleaded as Shelby just stood there frozen and crying. "Stay with me…"

One of the two major things happens in this chapter. The second didn't fit and it was getting too long. Uh oh… What else could possibly happen?

I apologize for any grammar and spelling errors. I hope you enjoyed this chapter. Until next time…

Guest 1) I warned that things would be coming to a head soon. It's happening. They're cracking at the seams. I think many people are worried she won't survive this story. I'm torturing her. Her state is definitely precarious. My 2012 did suck and thank you, I hope 2013 is better for me and everyone else as well. 2) I made you wait. Sorry. Life has been busy.

Gleek101 Rachel has finally done it… I imagined Shelby as one of those cartoon characters, but she's trying to handle it better than she's capable of. They both need their own kind of help, especially Rachel. The question is whether she gets it in time… Rehab may be the best place for her. We shall see.

Just Me Thank you! I love Noah and I thought it was time they made it official. Romance was never supposed to be a big thing in this story. It was always supposed to focus just on Rachel, but the romance seemed natural to me, like it was supposed to happen, so I went with it. I love them together so it worked for me.

CarolineSC Yay for Puck and Rachel getting their act together! Kind of… They found one piece of the puzzle only to lose another. That's the way it works in this world. I love them together. I truly do. I'd take Puck and Rachel over Finn and Rachel any day.

ddbddb123 That makes me happy. I love writing this story! I like the together even if they won't actually be seeing much of each other. A little is better than none at all I guess. They have the school hallways. Shelby's in the dark about so much, but things are starting to come to light. Rachel doesn't make anything easy. She always fights back. But you're right. Casey is a mediating factor, so that works for them. I'm glad people like her. Some OCs aren't well received.