Affliction

by Doodle19

Everybody has problems and everbody chooses to deal with them in their own way. So when the world around Rachel and the walls she put up come crashing down, how will she deal? And will anybody be there to help her survive? Rating subject to change.

37. The In-between

I do not own Glee, I only play with the characters and create others to play along.

Ok, so it has been a while. I apologize and I assure you that it is not because of lack of motivation or writer's block. Life can't always be predictable and time has been an issue as of late. But here's a fairly long chapter for you all. I appreciate the patience.

Chapter 37: The In-between

"Rachel? Rachel?!" The ballet troop and instructors all crowded around her.

"Someone call 911." They heard somebody yell. Casey got down beside them looking for any signs of life.

"Hey, hey Rach. Stay with me. Stay with me Rachel." Casey pleaded as Shelby just stood there frozen and crying. "Stay with me…"

Time wasn't even a concept in their mind as they went through the motions. It seemed like forever and no time at all as they waited for the ambulance. Shelby wasn't much use. She just stood there in shock, her mother's arms around her as her father moved to help in any way he could. Puck made an appearance too, but she was blind to it. Her eyes were stuck on her daughter's lifeless body. Pale, clammy, lifeless… What was happening?

"What's going on? Casey…? Casey, what's happening?" She found her voice, broken as it was, and hoped beyond all hope that it wasn't really happening. Somebody would pinch her and it would all go away. If only… She needed to see. She needed to be closer. Nothing was going to keep her away from her daughter; not then when it seemed she needed her most, or needed someone. So she moved. By sheer will, she tried to move. Only, her father's arms held her back. "Let me go. I need to see. I need to know…" He still wouldn't release her, so she fought her way there. She pushed out of her father's grasp and ran to Rachel. She almost regretted it. Her baby looked so… So much worse than she did just seconds before. Things looked better with the distance. Up close and personal… It was worse.

Casey was saying something, though she couldn't pay much attention. "Shelby? Shelby, did you hear me?"

"What? No…" She didn't care what her sister said. All she cared about was hearing her daughter's voice again and seeing her big brown eyes opened and bright. "Is she… Is she ok Casey? What happened? Why isn't she moving?" The look on her older sister's face, her older sister who had an excellent poker face, made her not want to hear the answer, so she didn't wait for it. Instead, she pushed her sister out of the way and moved closer to Rachel. That was what she intended on doing in the first place. "Mommy's here baby." She whispered as she clutched at the still body. "Please wake up Rachel. Please…" It was a plea if anyone ever heard one; desperate and painstakingly emotional.

All anyone could do was watch. They helped in any way they could. It was a little bit of crowded chaos, but they did try. However, there just wasn't much they could do. They weren't qualified. They didn't know how to help. They didn't know what they were dealing with. They knew she was alive. And that was enough to get them through. She was alive and they held onto that. They just needed her to be ok. That, they knew, was something she wasn't. She hadn't been ok for a long time. Shelby knew too. Deep down she knew and she did nothing. And she was sitting there, holding her daughter, still doing nothing.

She didn't know how much time had passed, but men she assumed to be paramedics came in and pushed her out of the way much like she had everyone else. "What do we have?" She heard the taller of the two ask. Why she bothered to notice such a detail remained an enigma to her. Her daughter was lying there unconscious and she was checking out the males there to help her. It was a distraction though. It took away from the pain in her heart for just the tiniest fraction of a second. She needed that.

It took away from the reality of the situation It took away from seeing them look over Rachel and attach and IV to her arm. It took away from hearing Renee explain what happened. "I just went over to her to tell her how great she was and… and then she fell. She uh… She looked a little dizzy maybe and then she passed out." Nothing about any of it was making Shelby feel remotely better. She didn't imagine anything but a miraculous recovery or a reversal of time would do the trick.

"Shelby?" Casey called to her, but she didn't possess the ability to answer.

"Are you coming ma'am?" The paramedic asked Shelby. Again, nothing came out…

Looking back to her huddled family, Casey spoke, "Mom, take care of her. I'm going with Rachel. Get Shelby to the hospital. And I'll see you there." She hurried off, following after the paramedics who were wheeling Rachel away, praying that her niece would make it through.

"Shelby? Shelby baby, it's mom." She remained unresponsive, stuck staring at the spot her daughter last occupied. She wouldn't move without prompting. It didn't even appear that she was blinking. She was just there, existing, staring at nothing. There was nothing left to look at. Rachel was gone. "Come on baby. We need to get to Rachel."

"Rachel?" She whispered in question, everything catching up to her. "We have to get to Rachel."

The family gathered together and hurried to the car, Kurt too. Puck was long gone. Having watched with a broken heart as everything happened, he immediately hightailed his way out of there and broke a few speed limits following the ambulance. Everything else be damned; if something was wrong with Rachel, which obviously there was, he needed to be there. They all did. Nothing else mattered; not the consequences or the inevitable fallout or the issues that they may have had with each other. The only thing that was important then was Rachel. She was it. Nothing could happen to her. Whether she felt it or not, whether she'd ever understand it, she was important to so many people. Her life meant so much to so many.

So nothing could happen to her. Nothing…

But what if it was too late? What if…

They couldn't think like that, though they all were. That seemed to be the only part of the day they could remember clearly; the thoughts and emotions. Everything else was pretty much a blur. It was too much of a dramatic mess to be anything but.

The ride to the hospital was eerily silent. The only real noise other than the hum of the car and the wheels against the pavement were the quiet sniffles that came from Shelby. Kurt was at a loss. As he sat in the backseat right next to Shelby, he desperately wanted to offer some comforting platitudes. But he didn't have any. What would he say? Everything was going to be ok? He didn't know that. People said that and then people died and it made things worse. And even if Rachel was physically ok in the end, she still wouldn't have been alright. Wasn't that the purpose of the day? To get Rachel help… It just came a little too late.

Shelby was trying to cover up the tears too, so that didn't help. She needed to stay strong. She was the mother there, but all she wanted was her own mother's touch and that soothing voice that once rocked her to sleep with a lullaby to once again tell her all would be right in the world. But, at that moment, that didn't seem at all likely. In her mind, things were already over. Nothing would ever be the same again and no one knew how to deal with that. How could anyone know how to deal with that?

Why was any of it happening? Why Rachel? Why her? Why anyone?

As soon as they got there, they wasted no time getting to the emergency room in a haphazard attempt to find both Rachel and Casey. Whoever they saw first, whoever gave them answers… It didn't matter. They just needed to find them. "Casey!" Shelby called as soon as she saw her sister pacing by the very annoying Authorized Personnel Only door. They wouldn't let her cross the red line painted on the floor like a barrier between life and death. She wanted to, but she couldn't cross it. She wouldn't.

"How's Rachel?" Pete automatically asked.

Maggie immediately followed his question with one of her own. "Did they tell you anything dear?"

"How is she? Why aren't you saying anything?" Shelby was begging for any and all information. Kurt and the rest of the family were just as hungry for the knowledge as well.

"I don't know anything." She answered sadly, wishing she had good news to share. "They don't know anything yet. She had a pulse and they were working on her. That's really all I know."

"How can that be all you know?!" If she couldn't have answers, the anger amidst the questioning would have to suffice. "It's great that her heart was beating on its own, but what good would that do if she isn't breathing?! Oh god…" Her own words repeated in her mind. "Was she not breathing on her own? Can she breathe? Is she… Is she dying?"

"Hey Shelby." Casey snapped. "Look at me." She did. Shelby looked to her sister with a dazed expression. "She is not dying. Do not think like that. I won't let you think like that. She is in good hands." Casey wasn't sure who she was trying to convince more, herself or her family. "She's going to be ok. I know she will."

"Casey she's…"

"I know Shel. I know. Look, they said they'd let us know the moment they had any answers. My pacing hasn't been helping and you look like…" Censoring herself seemed like the best move. "Let's all just sit down and wait. They'll tell us as soon as they know." Shelby simply nodded. That was all her mind would allow her to do. Her body couldn't even guide itself to the chairs. Her mother helped with that. Kurt, however, was the one that remained unmoving. "Kurt, come sit with us." Casey was trying to keep it together and, though she didn't know how much more she could fit on her plate, she couldn't leave him standing there looking so lost. So, gathering the little strength she had left, she made her way over to the doors Kurt was standing beside, and made her first move. "What is it Kurt?"

"I hate hospitals." He said meekly. His mother died in one. His father nearly died in one. Rachel couldn't die in one. Too many people in his life ended up there. Why?

"We all do kid." She said with a kind, playful smile that, though genuine, wasn't nearly as bright and comforting as it should've been.

"I don't get it."

"Get what?"

"How did this happen?" He was no longer talking to her; rather, he was talking to himself. How did it happen?

"I wish I knew. Come on. Standing here isn't going to get us news any faster and if a trauma comes in, I really don't want to see you get trampled." With her arm wrapped around his shoulder, Casey led Kurt to the chairs the family occupied.

And there they sat. All of them just gathered in this small waiting area and they did the only thing they could. They waited and they sulked; the emotions stewing around. It was an interesting bunch. Shelby with her head in her hands sitting next to her mother and father who were holding each other. Kurt impatiently sat across from them, his leg shaking in anticipation. Next to him was Casey, who sat back in the chair as deep as it would allow like she was hoping for it to swallow her whole while just trying to breathe. Across the room, an angry, messed up Puck stood leaning against the wall watching. What else could he do? He wanted to punch something. He wanted to be closer to them to get the news he wanted, but he knew he couldn't. They were all so different, yet all in the same boat. No matter how different they all were, they were all feeling the same things.

Guilt… There was a lot of guilt going around that room. Shelby, Casey, Puck, Kurt, even the grandparents were feeling it to some degree. They all had their reasons; legitimate ones. Worry and guilt was all they could feel. There was enough guilt in the air to smother them all.

Shelby was hating herself for not doing more sooner. She thought she was doing what was best. Though, she realized, ignoring the signs for so long definitely wasn't in anyone's best interests. But she did eventually take action. It just wasn't enough. She waited too long. She waited for it to be forced on her for any real steps to be taken. By that time, things were already so deep and she just didn't know it. What kind of mother did that make her? Forget what kind of mother that made her, what kind of person was she? How could she just do nothing and expect it all to just go away?

The grandparents weren't sure what was happening, but the guilt was still there. When talking to his wife, Pete learned that she had an unexpected conversation with their eldest about a student with a potential problem. They were beginning to realize said student was their little girl's little girl. They were guilty of not figuring it out. Maggie was wondering how she didn't see it. In many ways, Pete was too. They noticed how small the girl was the first time they met her. Maggie even made some Maggie like compliment about how thin she was and how they needed to fatten her up. And even after the semi hypothetical talk with Casey, Maggie didn't put it together.

Would knowing they were discussing Rachel have changed anything? Would them knowing make anything different? Maybe it would have, and that would have made them feel all that much worse. If they could've done something, they should have. What happened next? They still didn't know anything and learning it then may just make it an after the fact thing.

Casey pondered every decision she made regarding her niece. Shelby seemed incapable of admitting there was an issue, thus incapable of making any decisions. That left her. So she made the decisions. She forced her opinions on Shelby and look where they ended up. They were in a hospital praying that Rachel would be ok. And they didn't know that she would be. Were those choices wrong? Were her choices what led them there? Was she the reason? What could she have done differently?

Puck and Kurt had a different brand of guilt. They knew things. They really knew things. And they said nothing. So there was anger welled within. They knew there were things they ignored and things they chose not to change. There were things they should've taken head on before and when they finally made the choice to help, it was… well they were where they were. That seemed to say it all. They were going to help. They had a plan. The plan just came at a time where it no longer mattered.

One thing was clear. They were all sure that whatever was happening with their common ground, with Rachel, it was because of her disease. It was because of her affliction. They were there because she was hurting and thus hurting herself and none of them stopped it. There was no doubt about that. They were there because a monster crept into their lives and took over their loved one. Rachel was consumed by her disorder and no one really cared enough to fix it when they had the chance.

They didn't want it to be too late. And since there wasn't much else they could do at the time, they just festered in their guilt.

"Rachel Berry?" A man called from the swinging ER doors; the same daunting doors they weren't allowed to pass.

"I'm her mother!" Shelby jumped up. Answers; she wanted answers. He had them.

"Ms Berry, good. I'm Dr. Cane. I'd like to ask you a few questions." Everyone was standing around them now. The entire group surrounded the doctor. "Alone." The doctor added as he motioned for them to move to a more secluded area just a few feet away. She didn't see the reason for that. They were all family.

Before she could protest, Casey said, "It's ok. We'll be right over there." Level headed Casey made a return.

"Fine." They moved just far enough to be out of earshot, but they could still see everything. Puck, who still remained unseen, moved from lingering around there to go somewhere he needed to be. "What's going on with my daughter?"

"Your daughter was brought in after losing consciousness." She was aware of that.

"And?" She needed more. She needed to know the why, the who, the everything.

"She's stable now. Though she has yet to regain consciousness, we have administered some medication we believe will help her."

"Help her how?"

"She had an episode of tachycardia."

"What do you mean? What's that?"

"It's a heart arrhythmia where…"

"Her heart?" The panic was overwhelming, like nothing they ever felt before. The heart was vital. If something harmed her heart… She didn't want to think it.

"Yes, her heart was beating too quickly. But, at this time, we don't know why. So, I'd like to ask you a few questions so we can better treat your daughter."

Her mouth felt dry, but she nodded anyway. Her daughter's heart… "Anything; ask me anything."

"Does she have a history of drug abuse?"

"Drugs?!" She shouted, before reigning it in. "She is not on drugs."

"Given her stature, we'd expect…"

"I don't care what you expect! My daughter is not on drugs." She was adamant. She believed her words.

"I know this can be hard, but if there is any history, if there is anything in her system, it's best we know right away. We can wait for the tox screens to come back, but knowing now can be the difference between a full recovery and long term damage. We don't want the medication we've administered to react with anything that may be in her system."

"Don't you think I would tell you? I know her." Though she didn't… not really. "She wouldn't do drugs."

"It's important that we know everything. She is being treated right now, but we need to figure out what triggered the event in order to prevent this from happening again."

"Well it wasn't drugs."

"Excuse me." A timid voice interrupted them as they turned to see who it was.

"What is it Kurt?"

"Well, I couldn't help but overhear and…" How was he supposed to say it?

"I'm sorry you had to overhear that Kurt. We both know it's not true and hearing even the idea is just ludicrous." She gave an angry glare at the doctor.

"Ma'am…"

"No, don't 'ma'am' me."

"Shelby." Kurt interrupted before the anger could get the best of her. "That thing I wanted to talk to you about…"

"Now really isn't the time Kurt." Shelby was getting frustrated. She wasn't getting the answers she wanted, she still had a ton of questions, and Kurt wasn't help anything.

"It is… I was… When we were…"

"Excuse me son, but I really need to discuss a few more things with her to better treat your friend."

"I know, but this is important…" He hung his head low. "She… I… We…"

"Please spit it out. Time is of the essence here Kurt." If the doctor was there listening to them bicker or whatever, who was helping Rachel?

"We saw her take something. That was what I wanted to talk to you about." His words, though heard, were said so quietly and so shyly. It was like he was ashamed. And he was. He didn't ever want to be the one to tell her. He didn't even want to know. He wished it wasn't true. But he needed to be the good man he was raised to be, suck it up, and do what he could do to help his friend. That meant talking to Shelby about what he saw.

"You saw her take what Kurt?" Her face was a mix of anger and shock as her hands grasped tightly against his shoulders.

"I don't know. We saw her take something." He couldn't help but be a little scared by the fury that Shelby wore. He knew she wouldn't hurt him, but she wasn't really herself then.

"Something like for a headache something? Or something else?"

"Something else… I don't know what it was."

"Did you ask her about it? Maybe it was her prescription." Anything to rationalize it away. She couldn't see Rachel doing that. Yes, she was a teenager, and a struggling one at that, but drugs? Really? That wasn't her Rachel. But was Rachel ever hers to begin with?

"It wasn't Shelby. Santana…"

"Santana what?" She quickly asked. What did that girl have to do with anything? She wasn't even there.

Not ignoring Shelby, but choosing not to look anywhere in her direction, Kurt looked to the doctor and said, "I'm not sure what it was, but she took something before. I don't know if she took it again, but it didn't look like the first or last time she took the pills."

"Thank you for being honest. I'll have the lab expand the screenings and find out if she took anything and if she did, what exactly it was. She's in good hands Ms…"

"Shelby, just… just call me Shelby."

"Ok Shelby. You'll be updated when we know more."

"Thank you." With a last nod, he headed back through those doors, hopefully to treat her daughter and make her good as new again. Hopefully…

Though, the prospect of good as new for any of them didn't seem likely. No matter what the outcome, they were all changed in some way; in some significant way. Maggie and Pete were no longer in the dark. Shelby was no longer able to underplay what it was. Casey couldn't just let her sister be so passive. Irreparable damage could've already been done because of their choices and their lack of action. That passivity was just as harmful as doing nothing. So no more of that. She needed to really step up. She needed her sister to be the mother she knew she was capable of being. And Kurt, he was just full of question. Why didn't Rachel come to him? How come he didn't do anything? How did it happen? When did it start? Why didn't he see how bad it got?

Puck though, he was possibly feeling the most. She was the girl he loved. Did they say that to each other? No. But that didn't make it any less true and it didn't mean he didn't want to say it. Neither of them was emotionally capable of saying it before. And maybe they wouldn't be after, but they wanted the chance. So he stood in the hall where he knew he shouldn't have been, looking through the glass windows as a mass of medical personnel tried to help his girlfriend. What if they couldn't? How would he survive without her? He didn't even want to ponder the thought as his body sank down to the floor. He was a strong boy… a man, but he sure didn't feel it then. She'd probably be ok, he rationalized, but that, even slight, chance that she wouldn't was enough to send him crumbling. He needed her.

They all did and they weren't even aware of how much…

Back in the waiting room, Shelby didn't know how to react to Kurt's news. "Why didn't you say something sooner?" It came out accusatory.

"I didn't know what to say. Santana and I…"

"Santana?"

"Yeah… We saw her take something at Nationals."

"Nationals? That was…"

"I know." He spoke with defeat.

"You should've come to me. You should've said something." The anger was back.

"We didn't know what to do. We didn't…"

"You should've told me Kurt!"

"Hey… Hey, Shelby. He's just a kid. It's not his fault."

Teary eyed, she looked to Casey and said, "She was taking something Case. She was taking something. They knew and they said nothing. He didn't say anything."

"It's not his fault. It's not."Casey said while looking to Kurt so he knew it was true. Nodding, Shelby allowed her sister to pull her in for a hug as the tears started flowing.

Managing to calm as best they could, everybody took their respective "corners." Separation was about all they could handle. Too much togetherness wasn't in anyone's best interest. So they sat and waited for what felt like forever. It was agony again. The waiting usually was. There was nothing they could do but relinquish all control and leave things in the hands of others. But how did they all just trust these strangers to want the same things they did? How did they entrust such an important life with someone they barely knew? There couldn't be any second guessing. There wasn't any time. They just had to see what happened. They had to what to see if they had faith in the right people…

"It's going to be ok." Shelby would hear that occasionally. She watched as Casey tried talking to an even more emotional Kurt. She was sorry for that. She didn't want to yell at the kid. He knew that. They all did, but she was letting it get the best of her. When she needed to be the ice queen known as Coach Corcoran, she could barely manage to be more than a blubbering mother. And some mother she was. To her, it was all her fault.

It took forever, literally only hours, but someone eventually came out to talk to them. "She's stable." They were told. "We're moving her into a room. You can see her when she's settled and Dr. Cane will be in to speak with you shortly."

"Thank you." That seemed to be all they could say and they all said it.

Casey and Shelby were the chosen two to see her first. That was a rule. Two at a time and only family members were allowed because visiting hours were coming to an end and that was hospital policy. People were trying to recover there. There needed to be some decorum. They sent Kurt home. Santana came to pick him up, something Shelby didn't take too easily. She wanted to say something but it wasn't the right time. She let it go. For Rachel, and because her sister's tight squeeze kept her from doing much of anything. She just wanted to see her kid. And she knew it wasn't Santana's fault either. Just like Kurt, even if they did know and should've told her, they were kids. They handled things the nest they knew how. She was an adult and she could barely handle any of it. So it wasn't their fault.

It felt like one of the best moments of her life when the doctor told her Rachel was ok. They had the situation under control. She was stable and resting comfortably, though, some of the medicines they had her on would make her groggy and tired, thus, Dr. Cane informed them, they didn't expect her to wake up for a while and if she did, only for a short time. When they brought her to her daughter's room, she really had to take a moment. Casey too.

With Rachel, even in the short time they've been together, Shelby wasn't exactly a stranger to the hospital. The concussion, though, didn't compare to that. Walking in and seeing her daughter hooked up wires and monitors was… was not at all what she was prepared for. When she heard the word "ok," she assumed ok. Looking at Rachel was anything but ok. She looked frail and weak and pale and sick. If she didn't know better, she'd think the machines were living for her.

Her daughter looked like a ghost; a sick ghost. She didn't remember Rachel looking like that earlier. She didn't see Rachel like that on stage. How could things possibly change so much in the blink of an eye? How did they get to a point so close to teetering over the edge? They were living on the line and it could go either way. They just hoped they had the time and ability to make it work in their favor. They needed to figure things out and fast so they could pull Rachel from the edge.

"Let's speak outside." Dr. Cane motioned for the women to lead the way out the door. It wasn't unusual for parents to ask that of him. Whether the patients could hear or not, the parents wanted the conversation away from them. He willingly obliged their request.

"So…" Casey started. "What was wrong? What happened?"

"You found drugs in her system?" Shelby asked somberly. She knew the answer. She wanted to stay in denial, but she saw it coming. The man needed to work on his poker face.

"We did." He nodded. "A young man told us what she had taken."

"A young man?"

"Kurt?"

"It really doesn't matter Shelby." Casey reminded her.

"You're right. I'm sorry doctor, please continue."

"Given what we know now, we believe that the diet pills she has been abusing in combination with the medical complications presented from her presumed eating disorder caused her body to, essentially, overload. Her blood pressure was through the roof and her heart was racing. Her body couldn't take it so she lost consciousness." He explained to them. He went into further detail, but the logistics really didn't matter. Ok, they did and Shelby took note of everything he said, but what was most important was that Rachel was still Rachel. She was still there. "We managed to treat her." And that was all Shelby really wanted to hear. Electrolyte imbalance this and high levels of that… Those were just things. Those were things that, while important, could be helped. Losing her child wasn't something that could be treated. There was no cure for that ailment. Whatever else was wrong still held a hope as long as Rachel was still alive.

But just when they didn't think things could get any worse, they did. Who was she kidding? Of course they did. "How long has she been hurting herself?"

"We told you." Shelby answered honestly. "We believe it was a problem she has had for a while, but, as far as we know, the eating issues really became a concern over the last year; specifically the last few months."

"And the cutting?" That was where things changed. Both women looked at him with confusion.

"What?"

"Cutting?" Their own questions seemed foreign to their eats.

"The self harm. When did that begin?" He said it so nonchalantly; like it was normal. But to them, it was anything but. It wasn't normal. It wasn't even something that crossed their minds.

"Self… She has been… She hurt herself?" In ways other than the obvious?

"I take it you didn't know?"

"Know? Know what?" She was becoming hysterical.

Sighing, the doctor did his best to say it as tactfully as possible. "While administering the IV, we noticed suspicious scarring on her arm. Further examination showed several other fresh, self inflicted wounds along her body."

If she felt like crying before, it was worse then. She couldn't say that was something she saw coming; not even a little. There were no words of comfort with that. Casey had nothing to say. She just pulled her sister closer and hoped proximity offered some sort of console. "She cut herself?"

"I'm sorry you found out this way. I assumed you had some knowledge of it. The scar on her wrist appears to have been sutured by a professional and fairly recently."

"I… I didn't know." How didn't she know? Why didn't she see it? Was she that blind to all things Rachel?

"I know this is a lot to take in. We can talk more later. For now, why don't you go sit with her?"

"Thank you." Casey spoke for both of them. Shelby was too shell shocked to even attempt the courtesy. "Shelby?"

"She hurt herself Casey."

"I know." She responded with too much emotion for such a simple phrase. "I heard him."

"Did you know she was doing that?" It was an accusation; an angry accusation.

"I had no clue Shel. I didn't know before you did."

"How did we not know? How come I didn't see it?"

"You can't blame yourself for that. It wasn't as obvious as everything else. She could hide that better." She tried to reason.

"Hide it better? All she has been doing is hiding. None of it was obvious." Not really. "She didn't want me to know and I didn't…" She didn't know. How could she? "I didn't know and I didn't try finding out."

"I didn't suspect it Shelby. I don't think you could've seen it."

"I should have. I should've seen all of it before we got here. We shouldn't be here at all." Her head shook like she was trying to erase the memory of the day. "It should never have come to this. Never."

"I know Shel, but this is where we are. Now it's just about where we go next." The sentiment seemed vaguely familiar and not at all comforting. The last next they faced brought Rachel was a hospital. Obviously, their help wasn't helping.

"We still shouldn't be here. It shouldn't have come to this."

While she agreed, Casey wasn't going to say that. "Look, let's go in there and see her. Spending time with her, knowing that she is getting help; that will make things better." Better, but not ok.

"Let's go."

Together, they went into the darkened room, lights dimmed low for optimum patient rest, and sat by their loved one. They both come to love Rachel more than they thought possible. Shelby wanted the chance for more. She realized that she kept her daughter at arm's length and that did nothing but cause them problems. She wanted more than to just provide the necessities, more than to put a roof over her head; she wanted to be her mom. And Casey came to look at Rachel like her child. From the beginning when she first learned about Rachel, she wanted nothing more than to be the best aunt she could, but it became more. She saw a struggling girl so much like her at that age; a mix of who she was as a teen and who her sister was. And she connected with that. She tried to break down those incredibly well built walls and she actually felt she made a dent. So, Rachel was more than just her niece. She was an extension of herself, a part of her like a daughter would be.

Needless to say, seeing the young girl lie in a bed because of something they could've tried harder to prevent wasn't easy on any of them. She was out of her leotard, changed in her unconsciousness into a sterile gown. Tucked in like a child, Rachel looked so peaceful. That seemed to be the only word. They were sure underneath that fragile yet strong veneer that she wasn't very serene, but she looked it. It was their only consolation prize; their only provided comfort.

Casey took a seat on one side as Shelby sat on the other. At first, all either did was stare. They didn't want to talk and, with Rachel still asleep, there really wasn't much to say. But the staring became too much. The question became too much. Was it true? It was on both their minds. So Shelby took it upon herself to investigate. Moving just a little closer, she reached for Rachel's hand. She was debating looking. Seeing evidence would mean it was true and she didn't want to fathom it being a reality, but some force within her made her want, no need, to look.

Shelby pulled the IV clad hand to hers, gently caressing it with her thumb. It was motherly and sweet and she wished that was all it was, but it wasn't. It was a stall; a way of buying time before she forced herself to look. She didn't want to look, but she knew there were no other options. Slowly, hesitantly, she tilted Rachel's arm, jostling it a little at a time. She would move it, expose the forearm just a bit, and then stop. She didn't know if she could do it. For her daughter she could; she had to. "To help I have to know." She said to herself.

And after many more moments just like that, she did it. She looked and her heart nearly gave out. There was the stitched scar and numerous cuts. Her baby did that. She did that to herself. What kind of pain had she been in that she needed to do that to herself? What could possibly bring her to that? She was sniffling again. The tears were falling hard as she ran her fingers delicately over the wounds. "What did she do?" She asked no one. "Oh Rachel… What did you do?"

Hearing her sister, Casey looked to her and followed her gaze. Though she knew it was there, she wasn't expecting what she saw. She knew, but she didn't know. Knowing made her ache. "Here too." She said quietly after looking over her other arm, practically mimicking Shelby's earlier actions.

A moment of silence settled as they took it all in. Not only was she mentally unwell, though they tried to get her help with a therapist, but she was physically suffering as well. "Where else do you think she did it?" Shelby asked stoically, doing her best to store away all emotion.

"I… I don't know." She didn't want to think about where else or what else.

"Well, think." It came out bitter and angry, of which, she was both. "The doctor said they found cuts in other places. If you wanted to hide them, where would you do it?"

"It would have to be somewhere easily covered." Casey brainstormed. She had to play along for her sister. Neither of them really wanted to think about it. If they could, they'd have pretended it wasn't happening; a Corcoran special. But they knew they had to know.

"Right."

"Somewhere that wouldn't be easily exposed." Getting into Rachel's headspace wasn't easy and it wasn't a pretty place to be either. It was dark there; dark, gloomy, sad…

"True." She agreed.

"Upper legs? Stomach maybe?" They seemed logical. She wouldn't know though. She never had the desire to know.

Standing, Shelby turned to Casey and said, "Help me."

"Help you what?"

She couldn't do it alone. "Help me see." That was explanation enough. At first, she didn't help. As Shelby started tugging on the blankets, she just watched. It was like a moment of truth. They saw the evidence. It was clear as day, but they weren't ready for the magnitude. They were expecting maybe one or two cuts, not a few dozen in varying healing stages.

The noises they released were a mix between a gasp and a sigh as they examined Rachel. "How long do you think she has been doing this?"

"I don't know."

"Why didn't you know? There had to be something about it in her journal. How come you didn't tell me that?"

"I didn't read her entire journal Shelby. You know that. What I read didn't include this at all. It didn't even hint at it. How was I supposed to know?" She felt the need to be defensive. She didn't know. There was no way she could've. The girl was smart. She used make up to cover up the cuts when she knew they'd be visible and the weather worked in her favor. Cold tended to bring out the sweaters and she wore them all the time. There was nothing suspicious about that. Plus, they were all so distracted by her obvious deterioration that nothing else really crossed their mind. There wasn't room for more problems. At least, they weren't looking for more. Though, they should have been apparently. "What are you doing?" Casey quickly asked as she stopped Shelby's hand. "What are you doing?" She repeated.

"I have to see. I have to see all of it." Shelby said as she, once again, moved to lift Rachel's gown. It may have been an invasion of privacy and it may have been just plain the wrong move to make, but there was no time for that. It was a serious situation and serious situations called for extreme measures. Besides, it was easier to get the truth from a source incapable of telling a lie. It was visual proof of all Rachel's doings and she needed the full extent of it. No more fragmented pieces for her, she needed it all.

"How do you know there's more to see? Maybe that's all there is." The hopefulness in Casey's voice would've been amusing if it wasn't so sad. They may have wanted to believe that what they saw was enough, but they knew, realistically, that it wasn't.

"There's more." She stated firmly.

"How do you know?"

"I know."

"But how?"

"I just do. Are you going to help or are you just going to sit there and watch?"

"I don't think this is a good idea Shel."

"It's the only idea I have right now. So either help me, or head home with mom to be with Beth."

"That's not fair." She wouldn't be forced out, but she didn't want to help her either. "We shouldn't be doing this." Her opinion was clear, but, it didn't stop her either.

"We need to know everything. To help her… We need to know the extent of it." She stared her sister down, eyes pleading for understanding. "Do this for me… Hell, do this for her because we're not going to get another chance. Once she wakes up it's going to be us against her and there won't be any cooperation on her part; just wall after wall." She was pleading. "To help her… To really help her, we need to know."

"Fine." She hated it, but somewhere inside of her, buried under the doubt, she knew knowing all was the only real way to help. "But next time I ask you for any kind of favor, you remember this moment."

"I will. I promise." It was the only trace of a smile they were going to get.

However reluctantly, Casey helped search Rachel for more cuts. They weren't happy with what they found. They seemed to be everywhere. Cuts marred the precious skin of their loved one. And not only that, but it was the first time they really got a good look at her. Without all the layers and without all the bulky sweaters, Rachel was even thinner than they thought. And that never really crossed their minds because they thought she was bare boned to begin with. They didn't think people could be that thin.

"I don't feel better." Casey stated bluntly.

"Me either."

The two women spent the silent night at Rachel's bedside. They wanted to be there just in case Rachel woke up, though they were told she probably wouldn't. They still had to. It was instinctual. It was the only thing about it all that felt right, even if it meant waking up with a stiff neck and aching body. It would've been worth it as long as Rachel didn't wake up alone.

Noah didn't want that either. Logically, and he was capable of common sense and logic, he knew he should've left around the same time the rest of them did, but he couldn't bring himself to do it. He knew that Shelby was still there and getting caught hanging around, especially after Shelby witnessed that little make out session way back when wasn't the smartest thing, but he needed to be close by. He needed to see her and he hadn't been allowed in the room at all. But it was the middle of the night. Clearly, everyone in the room was sleeping. No one would even notice if he snuck in and just held her hand. That was all he wanted to do; just let her know that he was there for her and waiting for her to get better. He needed to see her without all the doctors surrounding her trying to stabilize her. He just needed to be near her even if she never knew he was there. He hoped she would feel him there, but even if she didn't, he would know.

So he snuck in. He was good at that. Parents hated that about him. But just being in the room with her made him feel better. The glimpses of her that he had over the day weren't enough. Being there made it better. Seeing her, even still so sick looking, made him better. So he went in quietly, whispered to her sleeping form, and held her hand just like he wanted to. He had a good ten or so minutes to himself before he heard someone moving around.

"Puck?" She asked groggily.

"Uh…" He didn't plan on getting caught. He just couldn't leave. He had to stay until she was awake. That wasn't his plan either; in and out was what he was supposed to do, but he felt compelled to stay. "Hi."

"What are you doing here?" Shelby sat up straight in the chair and tried to blink herself awake.

"Checking on Rachel." He explained like it was expected; not at all like he was a freak sneaking into a hospital room in the middle of the night.

"At 3 in the morning?"

"What's it to you?" She just looked at him cautiously. What was the saying? You catch more flies with honey?

"How long have you two been together?" She questioned.

"She told you we were together?" He wasn't going to step on anyone's toes. If Rachel didn't say anything, which he didn't think she would, he wasn't going to either.

"Noah…" It sounded like a scolding. "Are you together? Or are you just using her?"

"Hey." He took offense to that. "I'm not using her. She's my girlfriend." So much for not saying anything.

"Calm down Noah." She needed to stay calm too. "Does your mother know you're here?"

"Yup."

They both looked to each other with a competing silence. Neither knew what to say or what to do and the late hour wasn't making thinking any easier. "So, how long?" She asked. If quiet wasn't going to get them anywhere, she was going to allow her lack of inhibition and clarity take over and just ask what she wanted asked.

"How long what?"

"How long have you been together? You were both way too handsy that night for it to be the first time you kissed." Neither could really believe that came out of her mouth.

"We've been together a while." Not officially, but still, they have been together for a while.

"Is it serious?"

"Would you keep us apart if I said yes?" He didn't know where the confidence was coming from, but it was there. He wasn't willing to be pushed out of Rachel's life because he was deemed the bad seed. And he wouldn't be kept from Beth either.

"I don't know what I'd do." Honesty…

"How about you don't do anything?" It was a smartass comment that he didn't really think through, but he was taking his anger out on her. He was really just angry with himself; and Rachel too.

"Excuse me?"

"Maybe if you didn't just jump to conclusions and force me out of her life in the first place, we wouldn't be here."

"What?!" She was outraged. What gave him the right to blame her for anything? Even if she was blaming herself, he didn't have the right.

"She was doing better Shelby! She was doing better." He believed that. He was watching out for her, making sure the little things counted and then they just couldn't really spend any time together. Maybe he could've seen it coming. Maybe he could've stopped it; not that he knew exactly what it was, but maybe if Shelby hadn't kept them apart things would've turned out differently.

"I don't appreciate your tone Puck…" But maybe he was right. She didn't know. They all had their doubts and insecurities about the situation. They all had their theories about what could've prevented it from happening. "Sit down Noah."

"Why?"

"It's late. You can stay until the morning, but then you have to go." She didn't have any fight left in her. "The doctor said family only and two at a time. So you shouldn't be here. But, since I'm sure you would've and, well, already did find a way in here, you can stay for now."

"Ok." He wasn't arguing with that. "Can I ask you something?" He spoke after finding a place to sit and settling in. Shelby watching was a bit unsettling. But he got a nod. "What happened?"

"How did you know she was here Noah?" She asked her own question.

"I was at the recital. Raced over here after they took her." He explained.

"She collapsed. Did you know about the drugs?"

"Drugs?"

"It was you right? You brought her bag in?"

"Yeah. I just… You never know right? I saw on some crap TV show that the doctors always check that stuff and I…"

"You wanted to make sure they had all the information." Even in the dark of night, Shelby could see that his concern was genuine. He cared about her daughter whether she wanted him to or not.

"Did you know?"

"What?"

"About the drugs?"

"Not until… No, not really." He really only recently learned about it, and even when he did, he didn't know what she was taking.

"What about everything else?" She questioned. She believed everything else he was saying. She needed to hear the rest. "You said she was doing better. What did you mean?"

"She seemed to be doing better right? I mean, it looked like she was."

"I thought so." She leaned in toward him. "What about the cuts?"

"Cuts?"

"She cut herself." He turned away with guilt. "You knew?"

"She promised she wouldn't do it again…" She wasn't sure he was speaking to her. It seemed so distant and sad.

"So you did know?"

"There was blood and she begged me not to take her to the hospital, so I took her to a family friend who stitched her up… I made her promise. She said it was a onetime thing…" She saw that look on his face, the one that she knew she had been carrying all day. "I should've checked. I shouldn't have believed her."

"Don't do that." She couldn't believe what she was saying but, she was saying it. "As much as I'd like to blame you, and believe me I would, this isn't your fault. I wish you'd have come to me. I wish one of you would've told me something as soon as you found out, but it's not your fault. It wasn't your job to watch her." It was hers. "Listen Noah, I can tell you care about her. You wouldn't be here if you didn't, but this is serious. There's a lot wrong with her." More than she wanted to face. "And come morning, you're not going to see her for a few days."

"What? What do you mean?"

"I'm telling you this in confidence Noah. I will call Kurt in the morning because I know he's worried too, but I expect you to keep this to yourself. This isn't gossip to be spread." She spoke seriously.

"I know." He really did and he would never spread it around. It was no one's business and if people wanted to talk, he'd happily shut them up.

"Once she wakes up, they're going to give her a psych consult and chances are that she will be considered a danger to herself and kept in a psych hold for 72 hours."

"Seriously?"

"She's hurting herself Noah. She landed herself in the hospital and we don't want that again. We don't want to lose her."

"But… She's going to be alright… Right?" His voice was broken.

"We hope so." The sentiment wasn't good enough for any of them, but it was really all they were going to get.

"What happens after?"

"I don't know. That's something we have to discuss as a family. But I'm telling you all of this because you won't be able to see her until she's out of here."

"Ok." There wasn't any other option.

"If people at school ask why she's not there, you can tell them she's sick. I will call Mr. Schue and tell him just that."

"Ok."

Again, nothing was really said. The room was filled with the quiet hum of the machines and the sounds of gentle breathing until Shelby broke it. "Thank you for taking care of her." She said softly.

"Yeah, right. Cuz I did such a great job."

"I wish you came to me. I wish you told me. But you did take care of her. She wouldn't let you take her to the hospital because she was trying to hide things from everyone, but you did what you could. You still got her help. That's something." He just wished it was enough.

Talking seemed to ebb off as they tried to rest. It wasn't very restful though. It was a tough night, or morning as it was, but they made due. Shelby wasn't exactly comfortable with having Puck there with them, but she really didn't see the harm in it either. What was he going to do while Rachel was unconscious? And the little sleep they did get was soothing. The dreams took them away from everything and it was a much welcomed break. But the morning rays of light woke them much too soon. They were surprised that the hourly nurse checks didn't wake them before.

Awake, the nurse no longer felt the need to be kind and informed Shelby that the little straggler that snuck in had to hit the road. Shelby agreed with her. The boy should've been in school anyway. So, she woke him and explained that he stayed longer than he should have. "You have to go now." She said.

"But…" But what? What could he possibly say that would allow him to stay?

"You're supposed to be in school Noah. You need to go home and rest or get to class."

"But…" Again.

"And if it's allowed, I'll tell Rachel to call you when she wakes up."

"Fine." He knew that was the best he was going to get and things seemed to be going better than he expected with Shelby. So he wasn't planning on arguing. He wasn't going to push it. He left and if he had to, he'd sneak back in later.

Still early in the morning, after yet another check in with the nurse and Shelby returning from making a quick phone call, Casey decided she needed to stretch out a little. She headed out to get some much needed coffee for the two of them. The 24 hours they just lived through felt a hell of a lot longer than they should have. It was not something she ever wanted to experience again; not in her lifetime.

But, with Casey gone and the room vacant except for a still sleeping Rachel, which she was told was completely normal when she worriedly asked if it was, Shelby had more time to just look. Her hand was drawn to Rachel's. The scar still seemed so raw and red. She had to wonder how she missed it; how she couldn't have seen it. It all seemed so obvious now. But it really wasn't. Who would expect that? Who would know to look for that? And how did her therapist miss that? Shelby made note to talk to Dr. Matten about that big miss.

There wasn't anything she could do about it then. At that point, all she wanted was for Rachel to wake up and for all of it to make sense to her. Because, none of it did. None of it made sense to her. She couldn't figure it out. So she just remained there. Her finger traced along the scar like it held all the answers. In a way, it did. There was a reason behind each and every one of them, but they weren't any she could just figure out. No matter how much she wished she could, she wouldn't find the answers there. Only Rachel could give her those.

There was something she noticed though and it was something she must've turned a blind eye to for some time. But there was a certain clarity to their situation; a light shined on the problems she chose not to address earlier. Holding Rachel's hand she could see tiny shallow cuts around her knuckles. They weren't self inflicted; at least not like her other cuts. Given the circumstance, she knew they were from the vomiting. Every time she stuck her fingers down her throat, the knuckles brushed against her teeth leaving little nicks behind as evidence of her transgressions. How she missed the things she missed really was beyond her.

It was all just hitting a little too close for comfort when they were alone in the room. There was nothing else to do but dwell. Her daughter, her Rachel, did things to herself that no parent ever wanted to think their child would. It all seemed so unreal, but she was living in this place that made it so impossible to keep it as just a nightmare. It couldn't be that anymore. It was too real. She was living it. Now she had to find a way to live through it and get the people she cared about, mainly Rachel, through it too. And it was a lot harder than it seemed.

"Hmmmm…" The grumbling noise startled Shelby. She wasn't expecting it. Nor was she expecting the hand she was holding to start fidgeting as the girl in the bed started squirming like a toddler wanting out of a crib.

"Rachel?" Her response was an inaudible string of words, or mumbles; noises. "Rachel?" She tried again.

"Shelby?" Rachel was becoming more aware of her surroundings, rapidly blinking to keep the intrusive rays away from her sensitive eyes.

"Hi Rachel." A lightness returned to her voice that had been absent for far too long. It wouldn't last long, but in that moment, all else was forgotten because her baby was back. She was talking. She was there.

"What?" She looked around once more. "Where?"

"You're in the hospital."

"I am?" Everything was fuzzy. There were gaps, big gaps, in her memory and things weren't making sense. Why was she there? What happened? How long had she been there?

"Yeah." There was a gentleness to her mother's voice that Rachel wasn't sure she ever heard before. "How are you feeling?"

"I… I don't know." And she didn't. Things weren't making sense to her. What she was feeling wasn't exactly normal. Things all just seemed out of place. She didn't know what to make of it.

"Are you in pain?" The worry was back in full force. "Do I need to get the doctor?"

"No… No. I'm…" What was she? "Fine."

"You're not fine." Shelby whispered quietly enough that Rachel didn't hear. "Ok." Shelby moved closer toward the head of the bed and brushed some of Rachel's hair out of her face. "Ok."

"I'm tired." Rachel mumbled.

"You've been asleep for a while."

"How long?"

"Almost a full day."

"What happened?"

"You don't remember?" She didn't know if that was for the best or if that was something she should be worried about.

"No… The recital?"

"You did great." She softened.

"I did?"

"Yeah, you were wonderful. I loved watching you dance."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah."

"So I did good?" That was what she was worried about? It wasn't anything else of importance. No it was about her performance…

"You got a standing ovation."

"Really?"

"Really, and you deserved it." Despite where they were and what was going on, Shelby was still proud of her daughter's accomplishment. She was still proud and impressed by Rachel's abilities, so she was going to express that. But, the rest of it wasn't forgotten.

"Why am I here?" Rachel asked both worriedly and curiously.

"Hey Shel, they didn't have…" Casey stopped when she saw Rachel. "You're awake?"

"I am." Rachel stated almost shyly. She was much more timid in her current state.

"I'm so happy to see that. Did you let the doctor know?"

"It's almost time for the nurse to check in anyway. I just wanted a little time with her first."

Nodding, Casey moved toward them and asked, "How are you feeling Rach?"

"Fine." She repeated, but she wasn't. She still wasn't anywhere near fine. "When do we leave?" The sooner they were out, the sooner she knew her secrets were still safe. She didn't know they were already all exposed; almost all. She still had a few things hiding up her sleeve.

"You're not…" Casey stopped her sister from saying any more to keep there from being any other problems. Something told her Rachel wouldn't respond well to, "we know everything and you're not going anywhere."

"What she's trying to say Rachel, is that, for now, you're staying right where you are." Rachel wasn't the only one in the family good at spinning the truth.

"But I want to go."

"You don't even know why you're here." Shelby pointed out.

"I was dehydrated right. I knew I should've had more water." There were certain things that she couldn't lie her way out of and she was in one of those then. She could make up whatever story she wanted, but no spin or tale she told would change that they knew too much for her to sway them.

"You were dehydrated…" But that wasn't it. There was more that she knew Rachel knew, but wouldn't accept.

"See."

"But Rachel, the pills…"

"Pills?" She squeaked. How did they know about them? Her body was stiff as she pushed herself up against the pillows.

They were all, especially Rachel, eternally grateful when the nurse came in and interrupted. All bubbly and cheery, she took Rachel's vitals while keeping up some small talk. "I'll page Dr. Cane right away. He'll be happy to see you up and talking."

"Thank you." Shelby answered for all of them as she waited for the young blonde to leave. "Casey, can you give us a minute?" As much as she wanted her sister there for both support and a buffer, she needed to be the grown up and do what needed to be done.

"Don't go." Rachel quickly pleaded. Nothing good would come of the two of them alone with Rachel attached to machines so she couldn't run away. It was an unfair advantage Rachel wasn't willing going to give.

"Actually, I should go. I'm going to call Mark then I'll check in with mom. You two behave."

"Shouldn't you be home with Beth?" There was an edge to her voice; a hint of jealousy maybe.

"No Rachel." She spoke adamantly. "I should be here with my daughter who is in the hospital." Rachel all but scoffed. She didn't believe Shelby believed that herself.

"Well, I don't need you here." There was a sting to her tone that Shelby definitely felt. "You should go."

"I'm not going anywhere." Rachel turned away. "This is where I need to be and I'm not leaving until I know you're ok and we talk about everything we need to talk about. And even then, I'm not leaving."

Rolling her eyes, Rachel asked, "What is there to talk about?"

Deep breath in. Exhale. "Why were you taking drugs Rachel?"

"What?" If she didn't feel so weak, she would've jumped out of bed. Instead, she woozily sat as straight as she could using the raised bed for support. "I didn't take drugs!" Not really; not street drugs. What she took was safe. It was to make her better. That was why she took it, but she couldn't even say that. She knew Shelby wouldn't understand.

"You're lying Rachel. We know."

"You don't know anything."

"Do you want to know why you're in here? Aren't you concerned?" Shelby wanted and needed to see some hint of remorse or concern or something. All she saw was denial.

"No, it was just dehydration. I'm fine." She insisted.

"You are not fine!" And all she wanted was for Rachel to understand that."You're not!"

"I am!"

They were both too stubborn to let the other win so the showdown began. They weren't going to get very far and they were in a limited area, but that didn't stop either of them from trying. So for a good ten minutes, there was nothing but pointless back and forth. Shelby didn't want to yell because she could see that Rachel was still struggling. And Rachel didn't really have the strength to keep it up, but she wouldn't back down either. So they went at it anyway, until Dr. Cane found his way in.

"I see the patient's feeling better." He said as he entered the room and put an end to their fight; a fight he didn't know they were having. "I'm Dr. Cane. How are you feeling Rachel?"

"Like I want to go home." She answered smartly. "When can I do that?"

"How about I examine you before we even discuss that?"

"No thank you." At least she was polite about it.

"Rachel!" Shelby reprimanded.

"It's alright. Let's just get down to business ok?"

"Whatever."

"Are you experiencing any lightheadedness? Blurriness? Anything out of the ordinary?"

"Nope, nope, and nope." Lie, lie, and lie again.

He looked over to Shelby briefly before giving her a skeptical stare. "Follow the light." He said as he pulled out the light pen. "Good." Yeah, good. "Do you remember what happened before you lost consciousness?" Not saying anything, Rachel looked to Shelby. She had no intentions of being honest, but there was even less chance of her speaking freely in front of her mother. In her mind, Shelby could only truly know the truth is she heard it from Rachel and Rachel wouldn't give her that. That was a failure she wasn't ready for. Sensing that to be the case, Dr. Cane turned to Shelby. "Do you mind giving us a minute please? You can wait in the hall, go fill in the family, or do whatever and I'll have someone get you as soon as we are done."

"Ok." She only agreed because she knew she needed to. And, she did have another set of update calls to make. Puck and Kurt were informed and Casey called the family, but she wanted to check on Beth herself and let Renee know what was going on. The younger woman genuinely cared about her student and Shelby appreciated that. So, she'd give them their privacy in hopes that Rachel would actually cooperate. Somehow, she knew that wasn't completely feasible. Whatever, maybe some fresh air would do her some good. Taking her phone and coffee, Shelby headed to the fourth floor's balcony.

Inside the room, the doctor wasn't making much progress. He got Rachel to admit that before passing out, she was lightheaded, had blurred vision, and a few other ailments that helped further his search for answers. "How long have you been abusing the diet pills Rachel?"

"I have not been abusing anything."

"Your tests show high levels of several common components of diet pills in your system."

"Maybe I'm sick."

"Maybe you are. That's why I need you to answer my questions honestly." He said sternly. "How long have you been taking the pills?"

"I only took them that one time." She confessed.

Admitting to one was often a sign of more. He knew she was lying, but at least he got her to admit to taking them. "How many did you take?"

"Just what it said to take on the package."

"Which package? We've found several different brands in your belongings."

"All of them."

Shaking his head, he continued on with the exam. Getting her to answer the questions was tough, but they got through it; barely. He explained to her what happened with her body. Her electrolytes were completely out of sync. Her heart had an arrhythmia. She was dehydrated. Her blood pressure was out of whack. He found traces of mild infection on several of her cuts. Her hemocrit, or blood levels as he explained to her, was low. She was a regular medical exhibit in the making. If there was something that could've been wrong, it was. And she did most of it to herself.

"Do you have any questions for me?"

"No." Asking when she could leave again seemed pointless after it took a good five minutes just to list everything that was wrong with her.

"Your mother should be back soon." It took every ounce of her being not to yell, "She's not my mother!" Self control… "Try to relax. Use the call button if you need to, and a colleague of mine will be in to speak with you shortly." A colleague?

"Who?"

"A staff psychiatrist will be in to speak with you."

"I have a therapist. I don't need another."

"It's protocol Rachel. I'm afraid you don't have much of a choice." She had a choice alright.

Huffing, she just watched the man leave. She didn't want to deal with any of it. She didn't want doctors in her business. She didn't want another therapist trying to get in her mind. And she certainly didn't want Shelby delving deeper into her problems than she already was. So yeah, she had a choice. But, like many of the decisions she was making, it probably wasn't the right one.

That was what usually happened when she felt like she did. Backed up against a wall with nowhere to go, bad choices tended to happen. But she didn't see it that way. She saw it as the right choice. Really, it was the only choice she knew. Lying and not saying what needed to be said was a constant in her life then. She didn't really know how to do anything else. Why would she change that?

Lying in her bed, she just waited. Shelby was coming. She could hear the faint sounds of talking in the hall and immediately recognized Shelby. Waiting sucked. She knew the moment her mother stepped foot in her room, they'd be right back where they started. The older Corcoran would start off easy and then try to jump right in to where they left off before the doctor came in. She didn't anticipate any fun or good times. As soon as the door opened and Shelby snuck in, she knew it was coming.

"How did your exam go?" And the small talk began.

"Fine." It wasn't like he didn't tell her everything anyway. Confidentiality rules… Yeah right…

"Kurt and Noah were here you know." Rachel appreciated that, but she wasn't going to show it.

"Uh huh." She wasn't going to say much. Gestures and mumbles; that was enough for her.

"They're worried about you. They didn't want to leave last night."

"Yup."

"I'm worried about you." That was where the talking stopped. Did she want Shelby to be worried about her? "Rachel, we need to talk about this." She refused to respond. She just pulled the white hospital sheets around her gown clad body and stared off at the wall. "Rachel look at me." But she wouldn't. "Look at me! Please." Still no bite. "Fine. You don't have to talk to me right now, but you will talk to the psychiatrist that should be here soon and we will talk after that." Keep dreaming. "Do you hear me Rachel?" She just wanted some sign that she was getting through; any sign that the efforts they had been making and were continuing to make were not in vain. "Rachel?"

"I hear you." It was something.

"Good." And it was over. Temporarily, it was over.

And after a half hour of not talking about it, the psychiatrist finally came. There was a brief exchange between her and Shelby before the latter excused herself to give them a little space. "I'm Dr. Joy." Huh… Rachel found that name to carry a sense of irony; joy and therapy sessions not exactly synonymous. It definitely seemed… Well it was interesting. "What's your name?"

"Shouldn't you know my name?"

"Yes Rachel. I should, and I do, but I find it's a good starter; an ice breaker of sorts."

"Consider me unthawed."

"So," the doctor cautiously moved closer as she took a seat, "what's going on with you Rachel?"

"Isn't it already in your notes? The doctors told you what they know didn't they?"

"I'm not interested in what the other doctors have to tell me. I'm much more interested in hearing what you have to say."

"Well, then you're out of luck. I don't have anything I wish to say."

"I'm sure that's not true." She broached carefully, trying to break into Rachel's psyche one piece at a time. "I met your mother. She seems nice."

"She's not my mother."

"She's not? Could've fooled me. You look just like her."

"We're only biologically related."

"But she's not your mother?"

"Not in any way that counts." She said to herself. "No."

"Tell me more about that."

"No, thank you. I'd rather not."

"Ok, you don't have to."

"Great, thank you. Does that mean we're done here?"

"Not even close." She said with a gentle smile. "If you don't want to talk about your mother, let's just jump right in." Receiving no sign of anything from Rachel, Joy continued. "Why did you take the diet pills Rachel?"

Though she made the conscious choice to say nothing of value before the session even began, the remark came out of her mouth before she even had time to process it. "Shouldn't it be obvious?"

"What should be obvious?"

"Why do you think people take diet pills? What kind of doctor are you if you don't even have common sense?"

"So you took it to lose weight?"

Her mind wasn't really registering her slight unraveling. She wasn't revealing much specific to her, but she was revealing enough. "Isn't that the purpose of the product?"

"I'm going to ask you a few questions Rachel, and I need you to answer them honestly. Can you do that?"

"Of course I am capable of doing that." And that didn't actually answer the question. Yes, she was capable, but would she?

"Ok." Joy went back to her notes. "Do you make yourself sick because you feel uncomfortably full?"

"What kind of question is that? I don't make myself sick."

"Do you worry you've lost control over how much you eat?"

"No, no… I'm in control of my diet." Things were starting to click for Rachel. She remembered those questions. She answered those questions when she started seeing Dr. Matten, but still, she couldn't do it like before. She was caught on an off day and her walls were shattered.

Making a note of Rachel's response, Joy asked the next question, which Rachel gave another snarky answer to even though the doctor knew that Rachel had indeed lost more than one stone or 14 pounds in a three month span before, and continued from there. "Do you believe yourself to be fat when others tell you you're too thin?"

Yes! Everything in her was screaming the affirmative, but she knew those questions. She knew what the doctor was trying to do and she wouldn't allow it. She was fighting it as best she could. "Of course not." But her body language was betraying her. The first time around she gave a flawless performance. This time, however, it was pathetic. Being hooked up to an IV and dressed in what could barely pass for fabric wasn't helping her cause any. "Why, did someone say something to you?"

"Would you say that food dominates your life Rachel?" No answer; not one she wanted to say aloud anyway.

"Doesn't food dominate everyone's life? Don't people rely on it to survive?"

"Is that a yes?"

"What?"

"Is that a yes to my question?" She barely remembered what the question was.

Confused, she answered, "Sure, yes."

"Ok." And thus, the SCOFF test concluded. It was one of many eating disorder diagnostic tools, one that Joy recognized the previous doctor had tried, but Rachel was uncooperative and skillfully evasive. Sick. Control. One. Fat. Food. SCOFF. Answering yes to just two of the questions was a good indication that an eating disorder was present. And though Rachel did her best not to and wasn't even aware that she did, she had answered yes to at least two.

And as challenging as it was to get her to answer those, it was the easy part. Getting into the real nitty-gritty was going to be the hard part. The mere child before her was stubborn and scared; that much she could tell. Cracking her would be a challenge, but it was one she wanted to take on. But, it wasn't something that would happen in one visit. That didn't mean she wasn't going to even try.

"How long have you been making yourself sick Rachel?"

"I told you, I haven't."

"Your mother thinks that it has been going on for well over a year."

"I thought you didn't care what anyone else thought." She snapped. Who gave Shelby a voice in the matter? Her opinion shouldn't have counted for anything.

"I don't, but if you don't talk to me, I have to get my information somewhere."

"Well, not from her."

"Then from who?"

"Is no one an option? I'm fine. I'm perfectly fine."

"Do you really believe that? Do you honestly believe you're fine?"

"Yes." She said with conviction. "I am fine."

"Then why are you in the hospital?"

"Because I didn't drink enough before my recital." She stated.

"Is that really what you believe?" Honestly, she wasn't sure what she believed anymore. She wasn't sure about much at all.

"You don't have to believe it. It's the truth."

"I never said I didn't believe you. I was simply asking if that was truly what you believed."

"Well, it is."

"When was the last time you went to the dentist Rachel?"

"What? How is that relevant?"

"It's just a question."

"I don't know. Two years ago maybe. Why?" There was that one time when Miss Pillsbury flame of the moment was a dentist.

"It's my job to ask questions." Joy explained.

"About my teeth?"

"About whatever I find relevant."

"And my teeth are relevant?"

"Do they hurt?"

"No." Yes. Though she made sure to take great care of her teeth, the vomiting wasn't exactly conducive to their perfection. Sore teeth were something she became accustomed to.

"Never?"

"Sometimes, but that's perfectly normal." She'd never tell Shelby to take her to the dentist. She wasn't a baby. She didn't need their help anymore than she needed to be in the hospital. None of it was necessary.

"On occasion, yes." But she highly doubted it was anywhere normal or occasional in Rachel's case. A dentist would've recognized the effect of the vomit on the teeth and Rachel didn't want to risk being found out; that was her opinion anyway. "How'd you get those cuts on your hand?" Joy's hazel eyes looked toward Rachel's hand, the same one Shelby was examining earlier. The feeling of the older woman's eyes all over her made Rachel self conscious. Instinctually, she pulled her hand out of view and placed it under the blanket.

"They're paper cuts. I'm very crafty."

"You are crafty." But she meant it in a very different way. The woman could see why so many people would be fooled by the girl. If they didn't have the solid evidence that she had and Rachel put on one of her shows, she knew it'd be easy to be swayed. But she wouldn't allow that this time. Rachel was sick and she wanted to help. There was no more slipping through the cracks because of policy and manipulation. The last therapist couldn't force the issue past her recommendations for whatever reasons, but she could. And she would. "What about the other cuts?"

"What other cuts?"

"The ones on your arms."

"I don't have any cuts."

"What about on your legs?"

"I don't have any there either."

"And your stomach?"

"What? Have you seen me naked? I don't think that's appropriate." She was outraged.

"Is that an admission Rachel?"

"I'm not admitting to anything. I didn't do anything."

"Do you ever think about ending your life?"

"What?" Her eyes bulged. The thought crossed her mind and even she knew that was crazy. No one ever needed to know about that. They'd send her away. They'd try to "help" her by taking away all that was good in her life. "No… Never." She'd kill herself before admitting anything.

They talked a little more, but they didn't get very far. After the suicide question, Rachel clammed up more than before. She didn't say much at all really. It was a major roadblock. However, they did make good progress before that. Dr. Joy learned enough to make her recommendation. She knew what she wanted to say and knew what she wanted to tell the parents.

Once Dr. Joy left, Rachel was alone. She actually preferred it that way. Since she woke up, there was always someone around. There were always eyes on her. There was always something. She didn't want to be a spectacle people watched. Not in the way she was. Her dream was the limelight of Broadway, not the florescent lights of the Psych ward. But that was where she was headed. She didn't like it one bit. And the solitude she craved didn't last long as a morose Shelby entered the room; a false warm smile on her face.

"How did it go?"

"Fine." She refused to look at her mother. Her emotions were a bit of a mess and she couldn't let Shelby see. She didn't deserve to see and Rachel didn't deserve the possible comfort.

"Ready to talk now?" Rachel shook her head, turned on her side, and pulled the blankets as far up as they could go without engulfing her completely. "I know you don't want to talk, but we have to." Another shake of the head vibrated through the linen. "Well, then at least listen to me." That got no response. "You're not ok. What you're doing is not ok. We can't deny this any longer. This isn't ok." She had something eloquent planned. It was all worked out in her head; a speech she perfected, but that was what came out. It was nothing like what she anticipated, but it was what she offered.

"I'm not crazy." Rachel whispered, just loud enough for Shelby to hear.

"No, you're not crazy. No one thinks you are."

"Everyone thinks I am. You think I am. But I'm fine. I didn't do anything wrong. I'm fine!" She yelled.

"If you truly believe that Rachel, you're even less fine than I thought you were." And she didn't think that was possible.

That was the last significant conversation they had before Rachel was discharged. She wasn't allowed any visitors during her treatment and after, Rachel just didn't have much to say at all. So they were going home where Rachel would remain in a state of isolation. She wasn't going back to school yet; for the rest of the week she thought, but she was wrong. It was going to be longer than that. And Shelby wouldn't allow any friends over. She was, however, allowed to text and call people. It was awkward. That was for sure. She could tell they all had something to say but didn't actually know how to or maybe they truly didn't want to say it. Instead, they pussyfooted around the obvious. Santana tried talking to her in ways that were so unlike her. Kurt seemed timid and that wasn't him. And Noah was, as sweet as he was, cautious with her. It was like they were waiting for her to break. It was all a crazy mess and it was getting to her. It was only the beginning and it was getting to her. Needless to say, she kept contact with everyone to a minimum.

Meanwhile, Shelby was just as much a mess as Rachel was, just for different reasons. She and Casey managed to convince their parents it was best that they left. They offered to stay longer and help with Beth and whatever else they could offer to help with, but Shelby didn't want that. No, she did. She wanted that, but she couldn't accept it. They wanted to be a part of Rachel's life and they wanted to be there for all of them. Shelby wanted that too. She wanted to be able to rely on them and to help forge the grandparent relationship they wanted. But Rachel wasn't in the right frame of mind to do that. They understood that and took the hint after a little cajoling, and headed back home without getting to see Rachel. It broke their hearts, but they did it because they believed that was what needed to happen.

And as the days began to pass and there was more time to think as she took some time off from work to be with Rachel, it gave her more time to let it all sink in. The deeper it sank in, the deeper it hurt and the more it weighed on her. She never let Rachel out of her sight. She wouldn't even let the girl go into her own room without her since she hadn't had the nerve to search it like she needed to. So they were confined to each other and it made things clearer. There were certain things that were said during her daughter's hospital stay that she just couldn't get out of her head. There were certain moments that just stuck with her most. And that lead her to where she was. She and Casey were trying to come up with what came next and they were hitting roadblocks at every turn.

"I'm waiting to hear what the on staff psychiatrist has to say first, but I think we're going to keep her on a 72 hour psych hold as we administer treatment and try to get her hydrated."

"But she's going to be ok?"

"Well, we don't believe that her heart problems are permanent, though we will have to monitor that with regular tests. And we are working on getting everything back to normal." He paused.

"So she's ok then?" Shelby hoped.

"Not if she keeps this up. My recommendation is that you use this time to find a treatment facility, one that specializes in the help she needs and try to get her situated there. This isn't something that's just going to disappear. It has been my experience that it only gets worse. I can have our resident refer you to some places, but I wouldn't wait to get her the help she needs. We can only hold her for so long and after that, it's back to doing whatever she does. And she almost died this time. There may not be a chance next time."It felt so final. It was the nail in the coffin.

"I'll uh… I'll look into it."

Shelby could hear that conversation on a loop. And that was only one of many. Dr. Joy's assessment was just as grim.

"Ms. Corcoran."

"Shelby, call me Shelby please." Her nerves were emanating.

"Alright Shelby. Dr. Cane and I discussed this and we believe it would be best that we keep her in a psych hold."

"Oh… Oh-kay."

"But that's only a temporary solution."

"What do you mean?"

"I think it's best you look into long term care."

"Like…" Simple babble came out of her mouth. It wasn't the first time it was suggested to her, but it was the first time that it felt like more than a request. It was a wakeup call.

"I know it's difficult as a parent to fathom leaving your child in a facility away from home and away from you, but it could mean the difference between her getting better, living a long healthy life, and her living until she dies."

"Dies?"

"This isn't a new problem for her. It's clear that her issues with food and control have been building for some time. I spoke with Dr. Matten about my findings and she agrees with me. When she first started seeing Rachel, after you shared with her your concerns, she used a questionnaire commonly used for diagnosis. I used the same questionnaire today and compared how Rachel answered. With Dr. Matten, Rachel's answers were clear, concise, and all relatively acceptable."

"And with you?"

"Her answers became wishy-washy. It was evident to me that, like with Dr. Matten, she knew what she needed to say and what the answers should be."

"But?"

"But she couldn't control herself and her answers like before. Although the extent of the disease and her rituals have yet to be determined, I don't believe I'm jumping to any conclusions by saying I'd readily diagnose her with bulimia. Somewhere within her, she knows she has a problem. She doesn't want the help and she doesn't believe she needs it, but it's escalating. Her problems are getting out of control and it's dangerous." Shelby nodded in agreement doing her best to control her emotions. She was having a hard time with it. "And every day she doesn't get better, she's getting worse."

"And you think this is the best treatment option?" Shelby asked. It wasn't that she didn't want to get Rachel help. She was afraid of losing her daughter forever if she let her go.

"Her body mass index is on the low side of low. She's having issues with her heart and blood pressure. Not only is she making herself sick, but she's cutting herself as well. She's falling deeper and deeper into this and it's possible she may very well die without the help she needs." The tears were welling in Shelby's eyes. "That's not what anyone wants." Dr. Joy explained. "And I know it's not what you want to hear, but you need to hear it. She needs help before she can't be helped. I've seen patients better off than her die from this disease and I don't want your daughter to be another victim to an eating disorder." She reached into her pocket, pulled out a small, folded, white rectangle and passed it to Shelby. "This has several names and numbers for a few different facilities in the area as well as my personal card. Look them up, do your research, pick whichever you feel most comfortable with, and get her help…"

Every single word said stayed with her. How could it not? But the words "she almost died" and "she may very well die" played over and over in her mind. They both said it. Her baby girl, her daughter that she thought she may never get the chance to know but found her way into her life, almost died before they had a real chance. She couldn't let that happen. She wouldn't. It was serious. She almost died and there was still a chance that she could. And that was a chance that she wasn't willing to take.

So, on the lazy Friday morning, Casey and Shelby came to a meeting of the minds. They were trying to pick a place. Shelby called them all after doing the research with Casey. Most of them were full up, which wasn't reassuring at all, and they were looking for a place to send Rachel; one that catered her needs and made them all comfortable. No matter what they chose, it was going to be hard, they realized. "I should've listened to you Casey. We should've put her in a treatment facility the moment that journal was in our hands. The things I read… How did I let this happen?"

"You…" Rachel stepped out from behind the half opened door. She missed most of the conversation, but she got enough of it. They knew more than she wanted them to and they were planning to "fix" her. She didn't want that. She didn't need that.

"Rachel, what are you doing down here?" Casey tried to play it off like she didn't hear them; like Rachel couldn't have heard what they said. But the mention of her daughter got Shelby to follow Casey's line of sight. Of course Rachel would show up then…

"You read my journal?" Her voice sounded so hurt and betrayed and they weren't expecting to hear it. "How… How could you do that?"

So this chapter is kind of like part one of three. This one and the next two (or one and a halfish) happen over the span of a few days. They're all connected and very important. This is what the whole story has been building to. Hang on, because it's going to get emotional. Hopefully I can pull it off.

So, my goal with this story is to be finished with it by the end of June. I'm hoping I can do it so I can follow my summer plans without feeling guilty and neglectful.

I apologize for any grammar and spelling errors. I hope you enjoyed this chapter. Until next time…

Guest 1) I'm excited too! Things are happening now; serious things. 2) It was a cruel way to end it, I know, but it had to happen. I think it had to happen to get everything out in the open (almost everything. Rachel's family was all there, so it was the perfect time to make it happen. 3) The jig is up, and you're right. The denial is still flowing strong through Rachel. It's an addiction she can't see. It's not a problem to her; it's a way of life. 4) I know you are. I'm sorry I kept you waiting. 5) Eating disorder clinic? It would seem that way. We'll see how that goes over. I think that would be realistic. But nothing is said and done until it's written and read. 6) I'll do my best to give 2 updates this month. I, apparently, need to learn to budget my little free time better. I will try though. You all deserve it. 7) I'm sorry, but it does feel good to know people are anxious for updates. You should get an account; it can't really hurt can it?

seacat03 Thank you. The plan was always to stay as close to the show as possible why still altering it enough to create fiction. The New York stuff was similar to the show, but it had a Puckleberry twist and some hate on Rachel time. But the basis of it like the Nationals loss and location was show based. Yes, seeing the pills being taken was a pivotal thing.

ddbddb123 Saying it every time doesn't get old. Not to me. And those things will happen (maybe). I have a feeling Rachel will let loose on Shelby in a way we haven't really heard from her yet. I am evil though for leaving you all hanging like that. Casey and Shelby learn quite a bit this chapter and it does make denial hard for all of them. I love that people seem to like Casey. I say that all the time, but she's a character I created and people seem to enjoy her, so it makes me happy. Things are heating up in the Affliction universe, but it has only just begun. PS, I love long reviews!

Allthingsbrightandbeautiful3 26 Thank you! I don't think ok is a term generally used to describe Rachel in this universe, but I don't know. What do you think? Is she ok? She's alive…

CarolineSC Them dating does make Finn and Rachel more appealing, but there's just something about Finn the character that I just don't love. I love all of Puck. But, I don't mind Finchel all that much. I just prefer my Puckleberry.

Happy. fantasy Sorry. It doesn't seem like it, but I do try to be timely. Things just seem to pile up right when I have time for writing.