Affliction

by Doodle19

Everybody has problems and everbody chooses to deal with them in their own way. So when the world around Rachel and the walls she put up come crashing down, how will she deal? And will anybody be there to help her survive? Rating subject to change.

38. Proclamations

I do not own Glee, I only play with the characters and create others to play along.

So, this one was incredibly difficult to write and get right and the next one will be harder. I have to take my mind to places I don't necessarily want to be, but I want the chapters to be realistic and the next few chapters require lots of emotion; especially the next one. I think I might have to break out my go to 'never watch when in a good mood' movie and the depressing tunes on my iPod. Anyway, here's the standard apology. I'm sorry for the wait. But here's the chapter now. Enjoy.

Chapter 38: Proclamations

"You read my journal?" Her voice sounded so hurt and betrayed and they weren't expecting to hear it. "How… How could you do that?" Not only were they doing one of the things she feared and attempting to send her away, but they invaded her privacy. They read sacred text. To her, it was like stealing a bible from church. That just wasn't ok.

"What?"

"How could you do that?"

"Rachel, please relax." Casey attempted to calm her.

"How can I possibly relax?!" She was infuriated; with right. "Did you do it? Did you read my journal?" Betrayal cut through her like a knife. "What about you Casey? Did you read it too?"

"Rachel, please…"

"No! I want an answer. Did you read my journal? Yes or no?"

"Come sit down." Shelby just wanted her daughter to hear her out; to allow her to grovel or something, anything. They should've closed the door or… or something. Rachel was never supposed to know what they did. "Please. Come sit down and we can talk." She just needed to hear why they did what they did. She'd understand. They'd make her understand.

"I don't want to talk. I want to hear you say it." Neither of the older women made any move to speak. They simply stood there at a loss as they listened to Rachel's demanding voice. "Did. You. Read. My. Journal?" They still did nothing. All she wanted was an answer, preferably a believable lie so that her entire life wouldn't change because of a simple statement. "Why is that so hard to answer?! Why aren't you answering?!" Did you read my journal or not? Yes or no?"

"Rachel, don't do this…"

"Don't do this? Don't do what? I didn't do anything. It was you." She pointed to her mother and then to Casey. "And you. And you won't even admit it to me. So I'm asking you again. Did you read my journal?" She was as calm as she was going to be. It felt like shards of glass were ripping through her heart. How could they? Just… Just how could they?

"Yes Rachel I did." Shelby admitted. Never in her life did she think she'd be in the middle of her study with her sister by her side, both of them being questioned by her soon to be seventeen year old daughter. Good times…

"Say it." Once it was said, once it was admitted and out in the open, it'd be real and the thoughts in her mind would spiral. She just didn't know how to make heads or tails of the situation. But still, she demanded the truth.

"I read your journal Rachel. Not all of it, but I read it." She admitted and the betrayal on her daughter's face was nerve wrecking.

Rachel's breathing came in pants as she verged on the edge of hyperventilating. "And you Casey? Did you read it? Did you read it too?" Was it some kind of conspiracy? What did they expect to get from that?

"I'm sorry Rachel. I did." If Casey ever saw defeat before, she didn't see it quite like that. Rachel's eyes were wet with tears as she sniffled and practically gasped for air. They caused that. They did that to her.

"You…" She pointed and angry finger at Shelby. "You I expect this from. You I can see doing this; purposely hurting me. This has the makings of Shelby Corcoran, bitch ice queen extraordinaire written all over it. Reading my private thoughts for whatever sick pleasure it gave you, but you…" And she turned to Casey, a deadly glare and pain filled eyes met with older, equally messed up eyes. "I actually trusted you. I came to you when I needed someone. I believed in you and you did this. Why? Why would you do this to me? What did it give you? What was the purpose?"

"I'm so sorry Rachel." Casey cried.

"Sorry isn't good enough. I want to know why! Why hurt me?"

"We were trying to help you!" Casey screamed. How could Rachel not see that?

"Help me? How were you trying to help me?! How could that have possibly helped me?!"

"Rachel, you needed help." Shelby stepped in. She still needed help.

"We had our suspicions, but we didn't really know what was going on with you."

"And we needed to know."

"So that led you to my journal? In what world does that make sense? You don't see me snooping through your things because I want to know what guy mommy's slutting it up with or what's going on in your life. So why do this?"

"We saw the opportunity and we took it." Casey moved closer to her niece. "But don't blame your mom. It wasn't her idea. I found your journal in your sister's room and after really thinking it over I just read it. I knew something was wrong and I needed to know what was going on. But it wasn't Shelby. It wasn't her idea. I had to make her do it. Don't blame her. Don't be angry at her. If you want to blame anyone," Casey reached out to Rachel, "then just blame me."

"Blame you?" Rachel hissed as she pushed her aunt away. "Of course I blame you. I blame both of you. You had no right! No right!" The tears were flowing freely and attempting to mask them by swiping at them with the sleeve of her sweater but it was only was making it worse. "That was mine. Those were my words, my thoughts, and you had no right to invade them!"

"Rachel, you're sick and you're hurting. We just wanted…"

"I'm sick and I'm hurting and you wanted to what? Make it worse? Because that's all you did. You both just made everything worse." Her voice just became louder.

"You have a problem Rachel. We saw the signs, but you wouldn't talk to us."

"We needed the whole truth and that was the only way to get it."

"No, you could've asked. You could've paid attention. You could've cared. Instead, you act like you really care about me, rope me in, then do the one thing I don't know how to be ok with. I can't believe this… I can't believe you." Then to no one but herself she said, "I can't believe this is happening. Why is this happening?"

"We are so sorry Rachel, but it had to be done."

"It had to be done. We love you."

"You love me?!" It felt like one big joke. It all felt like one big cosmic joke being played on her. "If you loved me, if you even cared about me at all, you wouldn't have done this. You would've left things alone. You would have just stayed out of it!"

"What we did, we did for you because we love you."

"Because you love me…" Rachel patronized. "Well, I don't love you. Right now, I don't even like you a little. I hate you! I hate both of you!" She yelled before attempting to storm away, but Shelby blocked the door and Casey reached out to grab her.

"Rachel sit! We need to talk about this."

"No!" Rachel pushed Casey away once more forcing her aunt's arm to drop. "The only thing I need to do it get out of here. I can't be in the same room as either of you right now." In a fit of anger, she stormed away once more, this time not allowing anyone to stop her, going as far as physically pushing Shelby away to the point where she stumbled and reached out for the wall to support her weight and to keep from falling over. "And for the record, there's nothing wrong with me. My only problem is with you. You are my problem!" She yelled back to them as she rushed away.

"Rachel!" They both called after her. "Rachel get back here!" Even following her, they just saw her grab her coat, exit, and slam the door behind her. Both women raced after her, opening the door to see the tiny figure fleeing like she was being chased.

"Rachel!" Shelby gave one last feeble attempt as she watched her daughter run down the street, away, anywhere away from there. "Rachel!" The girl just kept going. "Damn it!" She copied Rachel's earlier action and slammed the door, leaning against the hard wood after she did. "Damn it! Damn it! Damn it!"

"Are you ok?" Casey asked.

"No." Shelby snapped. "No I'm not ok. None of this is ok, and for such a sick little girl, she sure as super human strength. She practically knocked me over." Shelby ranted. "And now she's running, going God knows where to do God knows what when the doctor said to keep her resting as long as possible. Strict rule of no exercise."

"I know Shel, I know."

"We have to find her." Casey hated the tone of her sister's voice because it was sad and desperate.

"We will Shelby."

"No, we have to find her now!" She demanded.

"I promise we will."

"We have to find her now before anything happens. She didn't grab anything. She didn't take her medicines. She just left."

"I know. I know." She repeated. "That's why I'm going to get in my car and drive around. She can't have gotten too far."

"No, I should go."

"No, you stay. Try calling her. We know she has her phone. So, try that and stay here with Beth. Just be calm Shelby. We'll find her and she'll be ok."

Casey stepped away to reach out for her keys when she heard Shelby say, "You keep saying that. 'She'll be ok' or 'everything will be ok,'" she mimicked, "but things aren't ok. Nothing is ok." Shelby ran a hand over her face. "She's not ok. And I need her to be ok."

"Me too Shelby. Me too." It seemed Casey wasn't much help then either. Rachel was going through so much already and to find out the two people she had to rely on, two people she may have even found some sort of connection with, invaded her space and did something she considered unforgivable just added more stress. Aside from finding her and apologizing then hoping Rachel would finally allow them to help her, there wasn't much either of them could do. But that didn't mean they couldn't try. And they were never going to stop trying.

"Go Casey. Please find her." She begged. "Bring her home. I'll try calling her, but I doubt she'll answer. Just… Just please bring her home. She's angry and something always happens when she's angry or upset. Last time she ran away, she ended up in the hospital with a concussion."

"Hey Shel," Casey took a seat next to her sister, using her hand to gently turn Shelby's face toward her, "that's not going to happen this time."

"You can't be sure. She just got out of the hospital. She's supposed to be taking it easy. And now she's out there and she's mad… And… And she hates us."

"I need you to calm down Shelby."

"How…?"

"I know it's hard, but you freaking out isn't going to help. I need to go look for her before she gets too far. You try calling her. If I find her I'll call you."

"And if you don't find her."

"Then I'll keep looking or I'll come back and we call some of her friends and see if they can help. We'll find her. She doesn't…" No matter how she thought it, she knew it didn't sound great. "She doesn't really have anywhere to go. And anywhere she does go, we'll find her."

That much was true. Rachel left the house so quickly there wasn't even the beginning of a plan forming in her mind. She just took her coat and ran, everything else be damned. She simply ran. And it felt liberating. Her lockdown and the hospital stay kept her isolated and watched. Running was so freeing. She was free. And she didn't want to stop. She didn't care anymore.

The last shred of her dignity was stolen. They took that when they decided it was ok to read her journal. Did they know everything? The thoughts fueled her. Each question she asked herself made her move faster, step harder. How much of it did they actually read? Was it cover to cover? They didn't mention the baby. Did they know about that? That was in there. Did they read that? What did they know? If they didn't know it all, would it change the hollowness she was feeling?

She wasn't sure it did. She also wasn't sure what exactly that feeling she was feeling was. There wasn't a name for it. It was like everything and nothing at all. What was that?

There was no time to really figure it out. If she learned anything over the last few months, it was that Shelby and Casey just wouldn't leave things alone. One or both of them would be looking for her. She was positive if she turned it on, there'd have been a boatload of missed calls and messages; most of which, she didn't want to hear. But she needed a break.

Her body was worn and, though she kept pushing herself, each step sent the burn of fire through every muscle. It all hurt as the pain seared. She just needed to sit. She needed to catch her breath. She needed to be whole again. And there was no escaping that she was not. She was broken and damaged and missing pieces of herself that she didn't even realize were gone. They took that from her; her mother, her aunt, the doctors… Everyone wanted to take something from her. She didn't have much to give to begin with and there she was, left with little to nothing.

She just needed away from it all. And if sitting on the protruding roots of an old tree in the middle of the woods on a spring day was where she had to be, then that was where she would be. Running had never been so hard. Physically, it stressed her body. Sure, that happened before, but it felt so wrong. Each strike of her foot against the ground used to bring her comfort even through the pain, but she just didn't feel that. It wasn't working. She didn't have a cure for what ailed her. She never felt quite like that before. It was new and it wasn't great.

Sitting there, taking deep breaths, all she had was time to think and dwell and do what she did best. How was she supposed to get over it? What they did was wrong. Whether they thought they had good intentions or not, all she saw was that they took the little bit of trust she gave them, the trust that her things were hers and that would be private, and broke it. That small offering she gave them was thrown back in her face with so much force she didn't even see it coming. And she probably deserved it, but that didn't make her feel any better.

She must've stayed there for a good hour, just staring up into the tree filled sky, the branches and leaves obstructing the view of the serene blue that could've engulfed her. If life was as silent as it was then, only the sounds of birds chirping and the wind blowing, it would've been so much easier. Instead, her life was filled with noise. Shelby was noise. And Casey. And everyone at school. And she was the loudest of them all. There was a voice in her head that just made everything so much worse. It showed her what was and allowed her to see the truth, but sometimes she just wanted to be in denial. Did she really need daily reminders of what a failure she was or how fat she looked in the outfit she chose? She didn't, but that was what the voice gave her. That was what the voice always did; every day, every moment. It was her cheerleader when she did everything to correct her situation. She needed to throw up and the voice told her to go for it. She wanted to cut and the voice told her it was ok. She didn't mind that part. It was all the bad. It was the voice telling her that she needed to be more than she was capable of being that pushed her further down the rabbit's hole.

She just wanted peace. She just wanted quiet. She would never have it now. Before, there was at least the faint belief in plausible deniability. They could have ideas and they could know what the doctor told them, but they couldn't verify it with her. Now she didn't have that. She was, unintentionally, the voice that answered their questions. And she knew the questions were there. She suspected that for some time. But she knew she'd never give in to them. She would never confirm their suspicions, but she did it unwittingly.

They were never to know and now that they did, she didn't know how to handle it. And she didn't even have the luxury of her old comfort tools. There was nowhere to go and nothing to do. When she first fled the house, she was free. But there, she was stuck and she didn't like the feeling one bit. It was a horrible feeling. It was all just one horrible feeling after the other and it was too much.

Finally deciding to turn on her phone, she realized it was longer than the hour she thought. It was almost 1. School would be out soon and they would all be going to glee. Everyone else was living a life and she was just there existing. She wished she could trade places with anyone of them. She wasn't an idiot. She knew they all had their own problems, but they were all problems she could handle; that she would welcome. Some of them, she already experienced and learned to cope with. Santana had to deal with accepting herself for who she was and who she loved. Kurt had to deal with homophobia, something Rachel knew all too well because of her fathers. Quinn had a teen pregnancy and unsupportive parents; both problems she would've welcomed. She already lived through both. At least Quinn's baby lived. And Puck, he had a mom he loved but hardly saw because she had to work so much to support him and his sister. That would've been ok too. Her fathers were kind of like that too.

Instead, she was where she was. And she didn't know where that was. But she did have a few texts from Noah asking her how she was, telling her that he missed her. That she didn't mind so much even if things were a little awkward for them still. But there were also about a dozen or so missed calls from Shelby and Casey. Everyone had something to say but no one wanted to hear what she had to say back. It wasn't a one way street.

Whatever.

Skip glee today? She sent Noah a text, ignoring the persistent beeps from the continued callers.

The response came fairly quickly. You want me to miss glee? Normally, it'd be a ludicrous idea coming from her. But not so much anymore.

Yes please. I need you.

You ok? Need me now? 911? He was worried.

I'm ok just fought with Shelby and Casey. Need somewhere to go because I can't go back there.

Where you at?

Hiding.

Where?

The woods somewhere. I'm not sure. Not too far from the house I don't think.

The woods? WTF Rach. Coming now.

No Noah. Stay in school. Meet me after.

Fine.

And pay attention in class.

Just for you.

She wanted him there with her, but she was better off alone for a little longer. She had a few more things to figure out. She wouldn't. Things would be just as lost an hour from then as they were at that moment, but that didn't stop her from trying. In the end, she was just more convinced there was no way out of it. They knew. End of story. Game over. The end… If she didn't escape it on her own, they were going to send her away. They were going to put her in some stupid place where they dictated everything from who, what, when, where, and how. She couldn't bear the thought.

Her phone kept ringing as she stayed there. Shelby was calling again and again. Finally, she got sick of it. I'm fine. Stop calling. She sent that in a text to both Casey and Shelby. She just wanted away from them. She needed distance. She needed to forget what they did, or at least attempt to see if she could and she couldn't do that if they just kept annoying her. She just needed it to stop; the whole world could just stop.

Puck only sent her a few more texts since she told him to actually be present in his classes. He wanted to know where to meet her. He wanted to pick her up when school was out. The deal was to meet up a block from the school in the parking lot behind the old factory that was there. She sat there, away from sight, and waited. Although she believed Casey and Shelby would give her a little space, she still wanted to take the extra measures to keep hidden. They stopped calling at least. That was something even if she knew it wouldn't last long. They still sent texts though. Where are you? Are you ok? When are you coming home? Those were just a few examples. She didn't answer any of them. She just waited. Soon… Soon it'd be over.

His car rolled up not too much later. But she was surprised when not just Puck, but Kurt and Santana came out of the car as well. "What are they doing here?" She asked.

"Wow Diva, that's such a nice way to greet your friends."

"I'm sorry."

"Look Berry, we've had our differences, but I've come through for you and we're heading to my house so, deal."

"Fine, but just for today, can we please just pretend like nothing happened? Can we just be normal for one day? I really need that. No awkwardness, no questions, just normal…"

"What? Did mothers Corcoran shrink your panties Berry?"

"No. It's just… It has been a really long day."

"Rachel, it's not even late."

"I know."

"What happened babe?" Puck asked as he pulled her into a hug and kissed her cheek.

"We can talk about it later."

"Ok love birds. Let's hit the homestead before you two make me vomit."

The four of them all went to the Lopez house. Rachel explained that Shelby and Casey did something she never thought they'd do and they violated her rights. When they tried to ask what happened, she dodged the question instead, spending the rest of the night, for the first time in who knew how long, acting like normal teenagers with no grown up problems. They were acting like friends. It was nice. It was different. It was what Rachel always wanted. But, enjoying it only lasted so long before the phone calls started up again.

"Is that your mom calling again?" Kurt asked as he saw Rachel stare at the cell phone for the millionth time.

"It's my aunt this time."

"Maybe you should answer so they don't think you're dead in a ditch or passed out on the floor again." Puck threw a pillow at Santana. "Ow. What the hell?" He just gave her a 'you know what you did' look. "Ok sorry. Look, answer it. If you don't want to go home tell her you're staying here. Mama Lopez won't mind."

"Are you sure?"

"Yeah Berry. Don't make me regret it."

After the next call came, Rachel actually hit accept instead of decline. She didn't want to say she was staying there unless necessary. She honestly didn't want to say much at all. Not answering would've been great, but there was a decision to be made and this phone call would help her make it. So she excused herself from the room and answered. "Hello."

"Oh Rachel! Thank god! It's so good to hear your voice. Are you ok? Where have you been? Where are you now? Are you ok? Rachel?"

"I'm fine. I'm with friends." Short, simple answers…

"Come home please." Shelby pleaded. She just wanted her baby home with her where she knew she could at least monitor her and try to keep her safe even if she failed so many times in the past already.

"I can't… You need to stop calling now. I can't… You need to stop."

"Rachel, please come home. I'm so sorry and Casey's sorry. We just want you home." Shelby begged. "Please Rachel."

"I just…" She said quietly into the phone, doing her best to keep the tears at bay. The decision was being made; piece by piece her mind was being made up, she just didn't know it yet. "I just need some time. Can you give me some time please?"

"Why don't you go to Casey's? She'll leave you alone. You know that."

"No. No, I don't want to go there. And I can't be there."

"Then where Rachel? Where are you going to be?"

"Um…" Her voice was cracking, but she wouldn't let it be heard. "Santana said I could stay with her. Her mother okayed it. Please just be ok with it too. Please…"

Shelby heard the desperate plea and couldn't refuse. It was a semi reasonable request. "Ok Rachel. Just for tonight. You come home tomorrow morning; no exceptions."

"I will."

"I'll see you in the morning then."

"Fine."

"I know you don't believe me when I say it and you made it clear you don't want to hear it, but I love you. Be safe Rachel. I love you." She didn't expect anything in return. She had said it many times before and nothing was ever said back. And, then of all times seemed the least likely to hear what she yearned for, but she got it. By some miracle, she got it.

"I love you too mom." She almost cried. No, she did cry, but not until she knew Rachel was off the line. When she went to talk, she heard the dial tone. And, for once, being hung up on didn't upset her. She was running on a high. I love you too mom. It wasn't just finally being called mom in a way that sounded real or finally having her gesture of love reciprocated, but it was both. It was both…

Rachel was just as emotional on her end. Hearing Shelby's voice did nothing to ease the anxiety and betrayal she was feeling. If anything, it just made it as fresh and raw as it was a few hours prior. One thing was clear; she wasn't ready to go back there. She wasn't ready to face them. And, if she could, she would just get away for a while. Who was stopping her?

"Do you want to do something crazy?" Rachel suddenly asked as she walked back into Santana's room.

"With you?"

"Yes."

"What do you have in mind Diva?"

"I was thinking…" She filled them in on her little idea and looked at their shocked faces. Was that really Rachel they were talking to?

"Are you crazy? Our parents would kill us."

"They don't have to know."

"Yeah, and where are we going to get the money for this?"

"My wallet." Rachel explained. She just wanted a few good memories. They might never see her again. That was the plan wasn't it? Shelby and Casey were going to send her away.

"Rach, your mom would kill you if she knew. She's freaking already and you've only been gone a few hours. Imagine what would happen if you crossed state lines."

"We'll be back by Sunday night."

"I don't know." Kurt said. "My dad and Carole would not be ok with this."

"Please Kurt. Please. This might be the last chance we all have to just have fun and be kids for a while. I don't know when the next time will be."

"I don't know. Santana?"

"Hell, I'm in. If she's paying I'm not saying no. I'll tell mom I'm spending the weekend at Brittany's. Puck you in?"

"Are you sure about this Rachel? You're going to get in trouble." He warned her.

"I'm already in trouble. I'm always in trouble. I just want to have a little fun. Come on Noah, I promise it'll be worth it. But you have to decide. We only have an hour before the last one leaves."

"Alright. I'll tell my ma that we have a last minute glee thing. She'll buy that."

"Great, so Kurt, are you coming too?"

He sighed and looked around the room. He didn't imagine this; the four of them hanging out so freely talking about, essentially, running away for a weekend… But, what the heck right? "Ok."

"Yay!" Rachel clapped. "Come on, we have to go!"

As they prepared for their little adventure, Shelby was at home with Casey, still sick with worry. When she hung up with Rachel, a whole mess of emotion flooded her. The whole I love you thing caught her off guard in the best of ways, but maybe it blinded her a little too; something she'd realize a little later. But then, she was just happy to hear the words she had been so desperate to hear. The timing was weird, she'd admit that, but it didn't change anything. Her heart was warmed; thawed. Her head was healed. She felt whole, if even for a moment.

"Shelby?" Casey called out for her, but she was still too stunned to say much of anything. "Shelby? What's going on? Are you ok?" She panicked.

"I'm… I'm great."

"You're great?" She sounded angry. "I'm calling for you, I'm worried, you're daughter's missing, and you're great?"

Shelby held up the phone in her hand. "That was Rachel."

"She answered?"

"Yes."

"She's ok?"

"Yes."

"Well, where is she? Is she coming home? Do I need to go get her?"

"No."

"No? No what Shel? I need a little more than that." Again, she was panicked. She had no idea what was going on and with the way things had been going around there lately, she didn't expect good news.

"She's staying with Santana."

"Ok. And that's good news?" Was it?

"She…"

"She what? What is it?"

"She told me she loved me. Well, I said I loved her and she said it back." And it all felt so surreal. "But I… It was the best feeling in the world Casey."

"I know it is. I remember the first time Danny told me he loved me. He said lub mama." She reminisced. "It was the best thing in the world, I agree."

"I wish it happened for us when she was just a baby. Things would be different now."

"I'm sure they would, but you can't change them now."

"That doesn't stop me from wishing I could." She admitted.

"No, I didn't think it would. I would change things for you if I could Shelby. You both deserved to know each other, but you just have to be happy with what you have." Shelby gave her an incredulous stare; happy with what they had seemed a bit pathetic. Her daughter was living one bad day after another. It was tragedy and heartbreak that kept bringing them together. "Ok, well, look forward to what you will have when she's better."

"Yeah."

"Hey," though she didn't want to ruin the good mood, something felt a little curious to her, "you don't think the timing seems a little off?"

"What do you mean?"

"I mean, just a few hours ago, she was saying she hated us."

"You don't have to remind me." Shelby snapped with an eye roll to boot.

"And then she does a complete 180 and tells you she loves you… It just… It's odd."

"It's not. It's perfect and I don't care what spurred it, I'm just happy she said it." Shelby stood from her seat and happily walked away. She was still upset with Rachel storming out even if she had her reasons, but nothing could really bring her down from the high she was on.

"Ok." Casey sighed as she watched her sister walk away. "Ok…" There was still something about it bothering her, but she'd let Shelby have her moment. Every mother deserved to hear their child tell them they loved her.

They went to bed that night with two completely different moods. Shelby rested easy; as easily as she could with the other worries in her head. She knew where Rachel was, or she thought she did, she had her baby sleeping peacefully right down the hall, and she still heard Rachel's voice saying she loved her over and over. So, she was ok when she went to bed, even with everything else. Rachel's problems would still be there in the morning and she trusted that Santana would keep an eye on Rachel. All she wanted to focus on was seeing Rachel and making things all ok again.

But it wasn't that simple for Casey. She couldn't, for the life of her, fall asleep. They knew where Rachel was and that was great. She finally picked up one of their calls and Shelby was beyond ecstatic about the whole "I love you" thing, but she couldn't help but feel a bit uneasy about it all. It was such a sudden thing. They were fighting; all of them were. And then, out of nowhere, she answered the phone and basically negated everything she said earlier that day. She went straight from hate to love so suddenly with no in between; with no cool down. Casey wanted nothing more than to just be happy about it, but there was a nagging feeling that she didn't know how to explain. It just… it didn't make sense to her and no matter how much she thought about it, she couldn't make it work in her head. What changed? Did something happen wherever she was that made her feelings differ? What was it?

"Casey, Hon, go to sleep." Mark mumbled, still very tired.

"I can't." She said quietly.

Flicking on the bedside lamp, he turned over to face her, lying on his side as brushed his hand over her cheek. "What's happening Casey? The last time you were like this your niece was in the hospital. What happened this time? What has you tossing and turning, awake at 3 in the morning?"

"I don't know." She answered.

"You don't know?"

"Do you remember when Daniel was younger and he told me he hated me?"

"He was a kid Case. He didn't mean it then and he apologized with a big hug and a sloppy kiss ten minutes later after he realized that he loved you and that telling him he couldn't play outside because it was raining wasn't that big of a deal. And you were the woman with the good hugs and special treats." He wondered off. "But that's not what's wrong. Did he call you? Did he say something? Do I need to march down there into the dorms and kick his ass?"

"No Mark… It's not Danny. He called. We talked. He told me he loved me and that he made it on the dean's list again. He's coming home after spending a few weeks with Kyle's family in California."

"Ok, so he's not the problem, then what is?"

"I told you that Shelby and I read Rachel's journal right?"

"Her diary, yeah, you told me." But he was still confused. "What's that got to do with anything?"

"She found out today… That we read it… She found out."

"And let me guess, that didn't end well."

"The three of us got into a big fight. It was… It was terrible."

"Tell me about it." He offered his ear.

"No Mark, you have to go to work in the morning, which I don't understand. Why are they making you work over the weekend?"

"The company is just getting up and running. I'm overseeing the new building. You know that. Stop trying to distract me. I don't care if I have to be up in a few hours, I want to know what's keeping my wife up when she should be asleep dreaming about puppies and grandchildren."

"Puppies and grandchildren?" She laughed.

"Well, puppies. I don't think we're ready for grandchildren. Our boy's still a kid."

"Yes, he is. Let's not rush that just yet." The thought broke the levity Mark was trying to create as it brought her mind back to Rachel and her once existent baby… Rachel… She sighed.

"Are you going to tell me about this fight?"

"I told you what happened." She said.

"No. You told me what caused it, not what happened. And whatever it was, it has you pretty stirred up." Mark looked at her with a serious face, but also one of concern and love. "Rachel seems to have that effect on you."

"Well, look at all she has been through."

"It's more than any child should have to endure." He agreed. Having this talk in the middle of the night wasn't his best idea, but it was a talk they needed to have. He knew better than to get involved in the Corcoran drama, and there had been plenty over the years, but he also knew his wife. He knew it was time to say something and finally ask questions. But that wasn't the night to do that.

"And the punches just keep hitting her."

"You really care about her." He stated.

"Of course I do. She's my niece. I love her."

"It's more than that though, isn't it?" At least some of it was being asked.

"What do you mean?"

"I mean, you're a great mother and I've seen you with her, you're a great aunt. And it's a lot like you're a mother to her too. But you identify with her. You see yourself in her every time you look at her."

"No I…" He looked to her skeptically. "Maybe I do."

"So everything with her hits you harder."

"It all just… hits me."

"I know." He said as he pulled her closer to him allowing her head to snuggle into his chest. "But that's also what makes you, you."

"She just looked so…"

"Hurt?"

"Yes. She looked hurt and betrayed, and I don't blame her."

"You really can't."

"No, I can't. But I also can't be sorry I did what I did. We needed to know what was going on. That may not have been the right way to get the information, but it seemed like the only way at the time. It was the only way at all. She was floundering and I wanted to help."

"Did you tell her that?"

"I didn't get the chance."

"That's when she ran off?" He knew about that. She called him to let him know what was happening, the very abbreviated Rachel ran away version, but other than that, she was pretty focused on Rachel. She didn't see him again until she came home and it was already late then. He was already in bed.

"No… No, she had to yell a little and screamed that she hated us first." She sniffled, the emotion of the day hitting her at full force once more.

"Oh, honey, I'm so sorry. I know how much you love her and I know how much that must be breaking your heart."

"It is. Believe me, it is." She confessed. She knew it was hard for Shelby, but it was hard on her too. Her relationship with her niece was probably the best of the bunch, and hearing that was terrible.

"I sense a but coming."

"But I don't know."

"Did something else happen?" That was the but. He knew something else was tied in there too.

"We spent all day calling her and looking everywhere for her after she stormed off, but she didn't want to be found and that ignore button on her phone was getting a lot of action."

"Teenagers."

"It's more than that with her though."

"Just don't let her hear you say that. They know how to use the best of intentions against the adults." He kept trying to keep it light because he hated seeing his wife so hurt.

"Honestly, if she was talking to me right now, I'd accept that. It wouldn't take much for her to guilt trip me."

"You really can't feel bad about doing what you felt was right. You called me that day in tears asking what I thought you should do. She's your niece and she was in desperate need of help that no one was giving her. But you were trying. You stood up for her and fought for her. And, how I see it, you gave her more than that. She let you in, even if it was only to peek through the chips in her stone walls, she let you in. She chose to let you into her world when she pushed everyone away. Maybe that was her own way of asking for help or at least leaving the possibility open."

"You think?"

"I do. But more importantly, I know you. I know you didn't do that to hurt her or to be nosey. And you can be nosey…"

"Hey."

"You can, but you did that to help her. As nosey as you are, you wouldn't go looking for it. You didn't search for her diary just to know what she was thinking, you stumbled upon it and made the choice to risk the relationship you were building with her to try and help her."

"That was the plan."

"That says a lot about you."

"Like what?"

"It says the woman I married has the biggest heart I've ever encountered, that she is willing to do anything for the ones she loves, that she puts others before herself, and that she is the most beautiful woman on the planet."

"Well, that woman sounds amazing. She sure is lucky too. I think her husband's a pretty handsome man; definite man candy. And, you know, he's not a half bad person either." She teased. "I love you Mark. You're a great guy you know."

"And don't you ever forget it." He said with a boyish grin. "I love you too Casey. Now go to bed." One last kiss to her forehead, and he wrapped himself back up in the blanket.

"Do you think she'll be ok?"

"I don't know Casey."

"I mean, really Mark, is it just me?"

"Is what just you?"

"Am I the only one that thinks it's odd that one minute she was telling us she hated us and ignoring our frantic calls and the next minute she's telling my sister that she loves her?"

"Why's that weird?"

"It just… Something doesn't feel right."

"Maybe you should sleep on it, and if that feeling's still there in the morning, you should do something about it.'

"Like what?"

"I don't know, but your instincts have been pretty spot on when it comes to Rachel. I wouldn't start ignoring it now. But," he added, "it has been a long day. So before you start playing Nancy Drew and investigate your feeling, you should get some sleep."

"Ok."

"Ok?"

"Yes, ok. Thank you for always being here and helping me through everything. I love you Mark. Now, turn off the light and go to bed."

"I'll always be here." He reminded her before turning off the lights. "I love you too babe."

With her husband at her side to love and support her, Casey was finally able to close her eyes and get some shuteye. It wasn't as peaceful as she would've liked and there was still plenty on her mind, but he calmed her enough to put it aside for a few hours. She didn't wake up again that night until the alarm went off to wake Mark for work. But she easily went right back to sleep. "Stay in bed." Mark ordered her when she tried to get up with him. "You need your sleep." She didn't even try to protest. She was tired and she knew she'd need the energy later. Dealing with all things her sister and Rachel required that; not that she was complaining, she just needed her sleep.

Too bad she wasn't going to get much more. An extra hour of sleep was all she got as the shrill tone of her phone blazed through the room. "Mmm…" She mumbled as her hand blindly reached for the device. "Hello?" She asked, not bothering to check the ID. Her eyes didn't want to be opened yet.

"She hasn't come home yet!" was the response she got.

"Shelby?" Seriously…

"Rachel's still not home. I said to be home in the morning. I gave her a time Casey! And she's not here."

"Shel, it's only…" She stretched out and searched for the clock. "It's 8. Maybe she slept in."

"Have you met my daughter?"

"Shelby, give it some time before you panic. What time did you tell her?" She was up then, sitting on the edge of her bed, replacing the blankets that were wrapped around her with a robe and her feet slipping into the slippers laid by the bed.

"Well, it wasn't so much a time as me telling her to come as soon as she woke up."

"Shelby!" What the hell? Why was she panicking already?

"Casey, I can't help it. She… she didn't take her medicines with her. She has to take all of it every day and the doctors said to try and keep the same schedule."

"A few hours difference isn't going to kill her." So maybe that was the wrong choice of words considering what they just went through, but after the long day followed by an equally long night, only then to be followed by an abrupt morning and the promise of another long day, she just didn't have it in her to really censor herself. Shelby was a big girl. She needed to deal with things whether they were hard or not.

"She needs those pills. They're supposed to help with the depression." The word came out like a curse. Depression. Her little girl was depressed and she didn't really want to accept nor acknowledge that fact.

"I know Shel." She sighed. "And she will get them. We'll make sure of that."

"But what if…"

"Shelby, seriously. It's way too early to be freaking out." And her bad feeling was back again. So much for sleeping it away. "She could still be in bed. She's with her friends. Maybe they stayed up late and need a little extra sleep."

"Or she's out running again… Or… Or she pushed herself too hard and ended up in the hospital again. Or…"

"Shelby, if that were the case, you'd get a phone call. And she's with people who care about her. Santana won't let anything happen to her." They didn't know Puck was there too. That could've made them feel better; also could've made them feel worse.

"Yeah…"

"Have you tried calling?"

"I don't think her phone's on."

"Ok. Listen Shelby." She stood now, shuffling through her room to get what she needed. "I'm going to get dressed, pour myself a massive cup of coffee, and then I'll be over to your house. Try not to panic. Give her a little more time before you do that. I'm sure she's fine."

"Right… sure…"

"I'm hanging up now so I can get ready. Ok?"

"Ok."

"I'll see you soon."

"Ok."

Casey hurried through her normal morning routine, skipping the catch up on current events portion of it all and making the coffee a little stronger than she normally would. It was possible her sister was overreacting. Actually, it was probable, but that feeling was still there and, because of that, she was going to rush over there anyway. It was in the plans either way. It was just happening a little earlier than she anticipated.

And before heading out of the house, dressed more casually than she'd normally be, Casey gave one futile attempt to reach Rachel. She hoped she answered if only for her own peace of mind. But also, because she could then warn her that Shelby was not okay with the disappearing act she liked to pull and that she needed to get home as soon as humanly possible. She called, but there was no answer. Rachel was either asleep, which she hoped, or ignoring them, which was probably more likely. She'd find out soon enough.

She made it to Shelby's as fast as she could without breaking any laws. She was trying not to be too worried, but with Shelby as anxious as she was and that feeling still nagging at her, it was harder than it should've been. Her mind just wouldn't clear and trying to decipher her ominous feeling proved difficult. She had no idea what it meant or why she felt it, but it was there.

"What took you so long?" Shelby greeted her as she approached the door.

"Long? Shelby, it took me two minutes to get here. I live right down the road."

"Which is why you should've been here sooner…"

She didn't have it in her to argue. She could've walked. That would've made it longer. "I'm here now."

"Get in." Bossy.

"So, what's going on? Still haven't gotten in touch with her?"

"No. She's not answering. If she's not home by 10 I'm going to call Santana's house."

"I think that's fair."

Ten rolled around and still no word came from Rachel. It started to feel redundant, like the same things kept happening; more so than déjà vu. "Thanks Maribel. I'll let you know if I hear anything…" Shelby spoke into the phone. "Yes, I'm sure they are. Uh huh… Thank you. Bye." Shelby hung up the phone, plopped down in the nearest chair, blew out a long breath, and put her head in her hands.

"Shelby?"

"They weren't there."

"What do you mean?"

"That was Maribel Lopez, Santana's mother. Santana told her that they, she and Rachel, were going to be spending the night at another friend's house and they assured her Rachel had my permission."

"Which she did not have…"

"Right."

"So are you going to check with the friend? Do you know which one it is?"

"Yes. I'm going to call Brittany's right now. I just… I have to find the glee club numbers again."

Calling the Pierce household was another dead end. When Brittany answered the phone, she didn't even try to cover for them. Poor, naive Brittany didn't even think she needed too. And she didn't; not really. She didn't know anything, but her friends weren't there. "Not there?" Casey gathered as she saw her sister's face.

"No. Can you try calling her while I try Kurt and… and Puck."

"Maybe you should try the boyfriend first."

"I really don't want to think about her spending the night with him."

"I know you don't, but if she's with him, you know he's taking care of her." Or taking advantage of her…

"That only comforts me so much."

"I know."

They made their calls, still with no success. Burt told Shelby Kurt was over at a friend's and he had no reason to doubt that, though Shelby planted a seed which Burt followed up on. Kurt was not where he said he was. Noah didn't answer and no one was home at his house. And Rachel, well, she was still trying their patience and exercising her right to remain silent.

Needless to say, it was a rough day for the women.

The kids, however, were having a much better day. After spending the night on the train to make it there, they arrived at Grand Central Station the next morning. Rachel managed to snag them a decent room at some hotel. It wasn't the Ritz or anything, but it was the best they could do without booking a reservation months in advance. Plus, it had two beds and a bathroom and it was clean. What more did they really need out of that?

After checking in and changing into more appropriate New York attire, something less wrinkled and worn from the train ride, they went to explore the city Rachel thought she'd one day own. Things changed though. This trip was about rectifying her last memory of the place. She needed to change the bad experience that was the Nationals defeat and replace it with something lighter; something fun and friend filled. That would give her a sense of peace. She needed a little peace in the chaos of her mind. That was all she strived for.

The phone calls started early for all of them. "This day better be worth it Berry. You better make sure I'm not getting grounded for some half assed trip to the big apple."

"It'll be worth it. I promise."

"Oh, mama Corcoran…. She knows you're not where you said you were." Santana simply told her.

"I know. She has been calling all morning. I figured that was why." That and she should've been home by then.

"Answer and tell her to F off. We're trying to have a little grown up free time." That would go over well.

Kurt got a call from Burt and Carole similar to the one Santana had earlier in the day, but they didn't let it deter them. They were all in trouble. They expected that, but they wanted to be there. They wanted to have a little fun especially if they weren't going to see the light of day for a while. The group of friends did all they could manage in the hours they had. It was the first time they saw Rachel genuinely light up and enjoy herself. They spent some time exploring Central Park a little more. They travelled through Time's Square until they knew the layout inside and out.

They took pictures on the top of the Empire State Building. They shopped, or window shopped really, in some of the biggest stores in New York as well as some less known treasures. They did everything they could think of. Everything was so not ordinary in the sense that it wasn't the ordinary they were used to. Things just seemed, temporarily, so much better. They were the everyday normal instead of the Rachel's issues normal. And there were moments where things were less normal; where things were more real and reality based. But they did their best to work through them. The food thing was an issue, but they tried not to press it. She ate something. That was… something at least.

But the phone calls kept coming. All of them were ignored by Rachel. She was supposed to be home hours ago. Obviously, that wasn't happening. It was a Saturday. They were in the city of her dreams. She wasn't going to let Shelby ruin that. She ruined enough already and Rachel was having a good time. That was all that mattered. That was what she needed to focus on and where she needed to keep her head.

And that was what she tried to do. She kept her mind in the present as much as she could and tried not to let her thoughts creep up on her and get the better of her. On occasion, they did and she was transported to a dark place. But then she looked around and, even if she wasn't feeling it, she lied to herself and made herself believe all was ok. For the moment, it all was.

Everything was ok. In her false reality, in the moment, in the dream she was living, it was all ok.

So, she held onto that as she and Kurt sat in their room looking through the newest Vogue that Kurt just had to pick up because he left his copy at home while Puck and Santana went out for a late bite to eat. They were lounging on the bed together, cuddled in the blankets, flipping through the pages when Kurt randomly said, "I had a lot of fun today Rachel."

"Me too Kurt." She really did. It was the New York she loved without the stench of defeat.

"It was like old times; like the old you." He told her and she looked at him curiously.

"The old me?" She questioned. She barely remembered that girl. She was nothing but a blip on the radar like a one hit wonder or a fading star.

"Yeah, the old you…" He looked to her, her hand in his as they sat there, the magazine then forgotten as he really looked to her. "I miss the animal sweater wearing Rachel. She was much more fun."

"You hated those sweaters." She reminded him.

"Did not."

"Yes, you did. I believe you threatened to burn them on several occasions Kurt."

"Fine, but it's not the sweaters I miss. It's the girl that wore the sweaters and the knee high socks that I want back. I want my friend back." He told her seriously. He really did miss that girl. He wanted her back. He wanted them to be them again; to go to the Lima Bean and order hot chocolates with extra whipped cream and gossip about boys. That was who he missed. In her stead was someone with more problems than he knew how to count and the stability of a one legged dog. She was a mess on the best of days even if she did dress better.

"I'm right here."

"No, you're not." She nodded in attempt to say she was, but they both knew she was lying. That girl wasn't there. "Rachel, you almost died." Like people would let her forget that.

"I did not. I'm perfectly fine." It wasn't convincing.

"Do you really believe that?"

"I do." She did… or she would. Once it was over… It'd be over soon.

He shook his head. The girl was crazy, but he didn't have the heart to beat her while she was down, so he let it slide. She was going to have to face things sooner or later and he wanted it to be sooner, but sooner wasn't right then. So, instead of confronting the issue and saying just how crazy she was, he went with, "I still miss that girl."

"I do too Kurt." She said quietly. She didn't want to admit it, but she did. She missed certain parts of that girl. At the same time, she didn't remember much good about that girl either. Was there ever anything good about her? "But that girl is gone. She was murdered and laid to rest." Her death was mourned by none.

"You don't mean that."

"I do Kurt. Things have changed. Nothing is the same anymore. I wouldn't know how to be that girl even if I wanted to. She was made fun of and abused by everyone at school. Her parents died and left her with the woman who basically teased her into wanting something she was never going to get."

"Diva…"

"No Kurt. I know you want your friend back, and I'm sorry I can't give you that, but I am happy to have you as my friend. You're the best friend a girl like me could ever ask for. You know that right?"

"I know that Rachel."

"And I love you Kurt."

"I love you too Rachel." It felt oddly weird and settling at the same time. "One day, we're going to come back here and meet up all rushed, still in full make up in between dress rehearsals, just because we can. But we'll be here together; our names in lights."

"That's a nice idea." But it was only an idea. It would never happen. "The two of us storming the Broadway stages."

"Kurt Hummel and Rachel Berry; the King and Queen of Broadway and Tony Award winners."

"One can only dream."

"It will happen Rachel. We're good enough. We deserve it."

"You do Kurt. You deserve it." She said meaningfully as she scooted just a little closer to him and linked her arm in with his. "You'll get there."

"We both will." She chose to ignore that.

"And you'll be great."

"You'll be the best; the leading lady."

"You'll be the leading man."

"See, we have this in the bag. Just a few more years."

"Right." She suddenly became uncomfortable. "Just a few more years." She needed space. She needed out. "I… I have to use the bathroom. Don't skip pages." She said before rushing away. It felt like she was stuck under the fallings of an avalanche and she didn't know why. Maybe it was a panic attack… Maybe she was second guessing things… Maybe she just felt overwhelmed…

Mostly, she just felt trapped. All those dreams were great, but they were just that. They were dreams. She didn't have a future; not a good one. She didn't have much of anything to look forward to. She was barely scraping by as it was. She couldn't imagine things getting better. When she looked forward all she saw was worse.

She could not handle worse…

"Rachel?" Kurt called as he tapped on the door. "You ok?" What he really wanted to ask if she was keeping the food she ate down and her blood in her body. "You've been in there a while."

"Fine Kurt. I'll be right out. Just uh… Just brushing my teeth."

"Ok. Hurry up though. Puck and Santana are on their way."

"Be right there." She answered him. It took a little longer, but she managed to collect herself and head back in there just in time to meet the group and start a movie. The rest of the night was comfortable. They stayed up as late as they could knowing they had to be at Grand Central bright and early and they wanted to do some last minute exploring before that. So, by midnight, they were fast asleep. Well, everyone except for Rachel was. When she knew they were all down for the count, she managed to slip out of bed, reach into the bag of stuff she borrowed from Santana, and pulled out one of the day's purchases. With only the dim light of the desk lamp to illuminate the area and the new pen in her hand, Rachel got to work writing well into the later hours of the night.

Once finished, she snuck back into bed, and, unlike usual, as soon as her head melted into the pillow, her body easily gave into the sleep. That was when she knew for sure. She knew what came next. All of it before was just a maybe, but then she knew. There was no changing her mind anymore. She knew. She just did.

The sun shone bright the next morning; brighter than she ever remembered it being at that time of day. And it was welcoming, like a warm embrace from a friend that she finally accepted. "Morning babe." And he was another thing she accepted.

"You're up?"

"Yeah, Kurt and Santana wanted to spend a little time doing whatever they do."

"Why didn't you go too?"

"I wasn't going anywhere without you and you looked so cute I didn't want to wake you."

"I'm awake now." She said with a smile; another real one. He took that as an invitation to join her and laid down next to her giving her a gentle good morning kiss which she gladly returned. "You could've gone."

"Not without you." She liked the sentiment and soaked up his warmth. She enjoyed the feelings she was feeling; like she had no care in the world. She was a world away from home with people who at least pretended to care about her… She was free and she loved it.

"Noah?" Rachel asked after returning from brushing her teeth.

"Yup?"

"Did you mean it?" They were sitting side by side on the bed staring into each other's eyes.

"Mean what?" He asked.

"What you said last night. I heard you. Did you mean it? Do you… Do you love me?"

He looked shocked that she heard that. It wasn't that he didn't want her to. It was just that he was nervous about it. "Yeah… Yes, I meant it."

"I… Love you too."

"You do?"

"Yes." His response was a passionate, meaningful kiss that only heightened the euphoria of the entire trip. And he was being such the gentleman, as he had been since she told him she couldn't have sex with him. "Would you… Will you… Will you make love to me?"

"You want me to…? But you said… Are you sure that's what you want?"

"I've never been surer. I wasn't ready before and… and we've been through a lot since. But you love me, and I love you, so I want you to make love to me."

"Are you really sure?"

"Yes."

"And you'll tell me if you change your mind… Because I'll stop." He quickly added even if he hoped they didn't have to. "I just want you to be ok with everything." With everything… "I don't want to hurt you."

"Noah, shut up and make love to me. When we get back home… I don't know when the next time I'll see you is. I just…" want something to remember you by… "I want something to hold on to." She said instead. "I want you to hold on to."

"You can always hold on to me. I'll catch you when you fall and be there when you need me."

"I know." She agreed as he laid her don on the bed.

It felt different than it ever had. Maybe it was cliché. So many things were, but that was how the word came about. But it felt different. Every time they were together, it felt good. That was never in question. Noah was experienced and knew what to do to make a girl feel good. Rachel didn't even care about that. The point was that she was with someone who said he loved her. And even if he didn't mean it, it made her feel special. It made every moment of their skin touching and their bodies colliding that much more perfect. They were passionate, but gentle and loving. There was no rushing or hesitance. It was just two people being in the moment with only the other on their mind. It wasn't just sex. They weren't using each other to feel better. They were simply showing each other how much they meant; how much love they shared.

So it was different. And it was perfect. And it was so unlike any other time for both of them. "That was…"

"You were perfect Noah. Thank you for taking care of me."

"Anytime babe. I love you ya know?" It was no longer an eight letter, three word phrase they were both too afraid to say. They loved each other. Maybe they always had. And Rachel wanted him to know that. If it was the last thing she'd say to him in who knew how long, she wanted him to know. For him, it just felt right for her to know.

"I know. I love you too."

They got dressed and decent just in time for Kurt and Santana's return. After that, it was check out and get out time. But they weren't ready to say goodbye to New York. They all knew what was waiting for them when they got back to Lima and all they wanted was to put it off. But they couldn't. They ventured toward Grand Central with the few bags they acquired secured in their hands and each other all close by.

Finally, they were on the train headed back home. The boys were tired and by mid trip, they were fast asleep. Santana and Rachel, however, were wide awake. Puck had his head resting on Rachel as his body slumped into the seat and Kurt snuggled up into his bag after Santana pushed him away. Knowing that no one else would hear, Santana spoke to Rachel. "I have to admit Midget. This was a good idea."

"I'm glad you found New York to your liking Santana."

"You tell anyone I said this and I'll kick your ass, but you're pretty cool after all Rachel."

"Thanks Santana." Rachel smiled. "And I won't tell anyone." She never thought it'd be so, but Santana turned out to be a pretty great person. The past misdeeds aside, they could've been great friends.

"You better not." Santana joked, but made it sound like she was serious.

"I won't." There will be no need for it. Who would care anyway?

"Good." They became silent again. The rumblings of the passenger car sounding about as they stared out at the rapidly passing landscape.

"Santana?"

"Yeah?"

"I know we're not… Well, we're not friends, but…"

"But what?"

"But…" She was timid, nervous even. "But thanks for trying. Thanks for… for caring about me."

"Hey I don't…" She started getting defensive like admitting that truth was a terrible thing.

"I know. But thanks anyway. It means… Well it was nice of you."

"You're welcome Berry." She said. She did care. She said it before. But, for some reason, she needed to deny it. Rachel knew the truth and she knew the truth. And, why she didn't know, Rachel felt she needed to thank her for that. She shouldn't have had to be thanked for caring. "And if I get grounded, and I'm gonna be, the trip was worth it."

"For me too." She hesitated before she said what she said next, but she looked to the boys around her and the strong girl that she learned wasn't as evil as she thought and knew. "Santana?"

"What?"

"Take care of them for me. Ok?"

"Take care of them? Why? Where you gonna be? Taking Broadway early Midget?"

"I don't know if I'll see them again." The hair on Santana's neck was sticking up board stiff. What did she mean by that?

"What are you talking about?"

Rachel looked to Noah and ran a hand over his perfectly calm face. "They're sending me away. Shelby and Casey… They're putting me in some rehab place."

"They are?" She wasn't sure why that surprised her.

"I heard them talking and they… they want to get rid of me."

"Rachel…"

"I can't go… I can't do what I need to do if I don't know they're taken care of. I need you to look after them because I can't. They'll need you when I'm gone."

"Berry this sounds…"

"Please Santana, just tell me you'll look out for them. Tell me you'll make sure Noah stays out of trouble and that he doesn't get into too many fights." Some were inevitable. "And that he doesn't end up in prison." She turned to Kurt. "Tell me you'll keep an eye on him. Don't let the bullies beat him down. He doesn't deserve that. He gets enough of that from the outside world that doesn't understand being gay is nothing to be ashamed of; that being who you are is ok. Just make sure they have a friend in you. Be there when they need you… even when they don't. Just be… Just be you."

"Be me?" There were better questions to ask and all were on the tip of her tongue, but that was what came out. The impromptu trip was starting to make a little sense now, but there were still so many unexplained things. Like what was happening…

"You are a great person even if sometimes you're a bitch. And you were terrible to me, but even still, you reached out to me when you thought I needed help. You're a better person than you give yourself credit for. And they need that person. They're going to need you to be the person I've seen you be; to be strong for them and look out for them even when they push you away. You can do that right? You can be that for them?"

"Sure Berry. Whatever." No, not whatever…

"Promise me Santana. Promise me you'll take care of them." She needed to hear that

"Ok." That was one of the last thing they said for the rest of the ride home. Santana kept looking her way; random glances. "I promise."

It was late when they arrived in Lima. None of them wanted to get off that train. But they did it. And Rachel was first off, waiting for them to stop their procrastination and face the music with her. She waited for her friends much like her family waited for her. Casey and Shelby were practically bouncing off the walls ever since she stormed out. But after that phone call with Puck, some of that worry turned to anger. And as they gathered there, all the kids' parents, it was fury she was feeling and relief. She was still a little relieved that nothing bad happened.

"Shelby."

"Oh, Noah. Thank god. You actually answered." And she was never so happy to hear his voice.

"Yeah well you've been calling nonstop for a while now."

"I would've stopped sooner if you just picked up." Her words were bitter and angry.

"Did you need something?" He didn't want to be talking to her, but he knew she had a reason for calling; Rachel.

"I'm looking for Rachel." He figured that one out on his own. "She was supposed to spend the night at Santana's, but she wasn't there and Mrs. Lopez said she got a hold of Santana but she wouldn't tell her where they were. I need to know Noah. I need to know she's ok."

Her concern was real and warranted and he didn't want her to be upset and worried when everything was ok, but he also didn't want to be the reason they all got in trouble. He weighed his options carefully. "Look Shelby… I… we… We're in New York." He admitted hesitantly.

"New York! You're in New York?!" He should've kept his mouth shut.

"Listen, I know you're mad but… But she's safe. She was going whether we all went with her or not. There was no stopping her, so we went… But she's ok .She even… She even ate stuff without being forced." That was supposed to be a big selling point. "I promise to take care of her and get her home soon. We're taking that early train home in the morning."

Huffing, she asked, "What time do you get in tomorrow?" He gave her the arrival time. "You know I'm calling all of your parents right?"

"Yes, but I… I know you needed to know she was ok. And she is. She's ok. She's happy. I haven't seen her this happy… So just… get us in trouble if you want. But seeing her like this… It was worth any punishment I get."

Shelby hung up and, after a momentary freak out with her sister about her daughter crossing state lines, she called the other parents. All of the kids were in big trouble. But she was also just a little sad that everyone else could bring her daughter happiness but not her. At least she was getting it somewhere.

They all got to the train station a little early to discuss what happened next. They were all grounded indefinitely. That was consensus. They were all rightfully angry. Not only were they not where they said they were going to be, but they left the state. They took a train over ten hours away. That wasn't ok. But, there was so much about the situation that wasn't ok.

When they all appeared, Shelby and Casey found it odd and, surprisingly, delightful to see Rachel all smiles and light. That wasn't what they were expecting. Maybe Puck was right. Whatever happened, she was happy. Why? Why did that make her happy when nothing else could? Only for the second, they wanted to enjoy that happiness because they fully expected a pouty, insolent, angry Rachel as soon as they got back home. But there just happened to be surprise after surprise in store for them.

Rachel hugged them. Like, she walked up to them, still flashing those pearly whites, and hugged them. And it wasn't just Casey she hugged. She pulled them both in tight and whispered, "I'm sorry." They were caught off guard. That had been happening more and more often. But off guard or not, they didn't hesitate to reciprocate the hug. It felt so perfect to have her in their arms.

They decided not to yell or say much at all other than they were glad she was ok and happy to have her home until they actually made it home. So, after a quick word with the other adults, they escorted Rachel to the car and drove back to the house. Beth would be spending a few nights with her grandparents, something Shelby felt necessary even if not what she wanted. Truth was, she needed Casey there to help her and she needed some mother daughter time with just Rachel. Thankfully, after hearing what was happening, Maggie was more than happy to make the trip down there to pick up her granddaughter and take her with her for at least a few days. Any excuse to be with any of the kids was one she'd use.

"Where's Beth?" Rachel asked as they drove home.

"Your grandma came to pick her up for a little visit."

"Oh." She knew what that was code for. 'You forced her out Rachel because we didn't want her around while we fought.' She felt bad about that. She wouldn't be there much longer. She'd be out of that house soon enough. She didn't mean to push Beth out while she was still there. "I'm sorry that you had to do that."

"What are you talking about? Maggie just wanted a little baby time."

"Right." Like she believed that…

When they reached the house, they immediately sat her down and talked with her. There was some yelling and some talking and some questions being asked. But for the most part, Rachel kept silent. She responded when spoken to and an answer was expected, but other than that, she just sat there and took it. They could've been singing her a beautiful song and she wouldn't have known the difference. It was like she was there and she heard them, but she wasn't really there. They needed to get it out and she needed to let them. What did she care? They could say and do whatever they wanted. She was out of there one way or another.

"Rachel did you hear me?"

"Yes."

"Tell me what I said."

"I'm grounded. I get it. What I did was unacceptable. And I apologize. I apologize again and again. But I… I needed to get away. And I know you're mad. I know that there's plenty more yelling to come, but can we put it off for a little while?"

"Absolutely not." Shelby stood firm. But Rachel was going in for the kill.

"Please. I know you're upset, but you read my personal thoughts and that wasn't ok either." Guilt trip… "And I understand now… I understand why you did that." Understanding… "And you're mad, which you should be. But I just want my mom." The plea… "I want my mom and my aunt Casey to not be mad at me for just a little while so we can have a girls' night." The proposition… "You said you wanted that before. I know Beth's not here, but she would've been in bed anyway and she wouldn't really be much company. So the three of us could just watch movies. I'll… I'll even eat some popcorn and we can break out the Barbra." And the kill… "It would mean a lot to me if we could do that; just this once. It's just… It has been such a bad year and I…" She looked down for dramatic effect. "I've done things I'm not proud of. I'm… I'm going through things… But I want this. I want us to be normal; to do normal things. That's what… That's what family's do right? And we're family. So, what do you say? Will you watch a movie with me?"

They both eagerly agreed. Maybe they were being manipulated and maybe they weren't, but even if they were, they honestly didn't care. This moment was what they've been waiting for all along. "We'll have a movie night Rachel."

"Great." She responded enthusiastically.

"But…" Casey interjected, nudging Shelby to hold some of her ground.

"But we're going to finish talking about this in the morning. Your punishment is still in effect. And we'll be discussing what comes next with getting you help." Rachel sighed. "And you have to eat some of that vegan ice cream too." Shelby put that out there.

"I can live with that." They were both thinking that the spontaneous trip changed their girl, but they weren't sure it was real. There was so much acting all the time they weren't sure where that ended and truth began. "I want the chocolate though."

"We have that."

"Good. I'll get the movies."

"And I'll get the popcorn."

"I guess that leaves me with the ice cream."

They settled in front of the TV. Rachel sat in the middle of the big couch when both adults paused. Did they want to chance it? Did they want to risk being pushed away after such a confusing, but good, evening? She gave them an answer without them ever asking. "Sit next to me please?"

"Sure." That was all they wanted.

"Of course Rachel." Each took a seat on one side of Rachel sitting close enough that their legs were just barely touching. It felt like a real family.

She stayed true to her word. She ate the popcorn and ice cream without a fight. It didn't matter much then. And she tried cuddling up to both of them, like a daughter would, at some point during the movie. But it ended much too fast for her liking. She was enjoying the simplicity and normalcy of the experience. They all did. They liked feeling like the one thing they always wanted, where Rachel was concerned, was actually happening.

"It's time for bed kid."

"Ok." No arguments from her. She would listen to them. She could give them that. "Thank you for doing this with me."

"You're welcome Hon. I had fun watching movies with you."

"Me too."

"Now get to bed. I'll come by in the morning."

"I love you Casey." She said with a massive hug, tighter and more affectionate than any other exchange they previously had.

"I…" She was a little stunned as she searched for eye contact with Shelby who was equally stunned. "I love you too Rach."

"And I love you mom." She repeated her actions with Shelby, not letting go.

"I love you too baby."

"You're a good mom, even if I don't tell you that. And Casey's the best almost mom I could've ever asked for." She whispered into Shelby's ear as she held on just a little longer. Pulling away from Shelby, she took a moment to really look at them. "Goodnight." She said shyly before running up to her room. The adults just stood there.

"Did that just happen?"

"It did." But it was so… surreal. "It really did." Casey told her. It didn't feel like it did, and even through all the good they experienced, that feeling was still there. They took their moment to figure out what that was, but they really had no clue. And they really, really didn't.

Rachel, however, knew exactly what was going on and what came next. She went into her room and started what she set out to do. She threw a few of her belongings into a duffle bag and hid it under the bed. She went through her routine as best she could minus a few big pieces. She wasn't worried about it. She reached for the object hidden under the desk and put it where she needed it. There were some last minute things she needed to do and she did them. Everything was in place.

About an hour later, she tucked herself in and pretended to be asleep when both Shelby and Casey came in to say goodnight. That was different. When, and if, it happened, Casey never came with her. But still, she kept her eyes closed and let them kiss her exposed cheek and push her thinned hair out of her face. She stayed silent as they, once again, told her they loved her, holding her breath because she couldn't bring herself to say it back without breaking. And she stayed like that until she knew Casey was gone and Shelby was asleep.

That was the right night to end it on. They wouldn't see her again, so that was the best way to leave it. Happy. Their memory together would end on a good note. She'd be where she'd be and they would have that to hold on to. She owed them that and she gave them that.

But it was dark out, the sun was gone, the moon took over, and it was time.

She had two choices. In her mind, they were the only two, and she was about to choose the wrong one.

This was it. There was no turning back. No changing her mind. It was time… This was the end of it all…

It was the end of the line… nowhere left to go… It would soon be over and she was ok with that…

Simply, the end…

Destiny was in her hands. How would she guide it?

Next chapter is going to be a little different. You'll see when it's up what I'm talking about, but I think that any followers of this story will really see what all the pieces I've given throughout the story have been building. Every time I update now I'm sad and excited. The story's almost over and I know it's coming so I'm sad, but I'm also excited at the prospect of finishing a story.

I apologize for any grammar and spelling errors. I hope you enjoyed this chapter. Until next time…

Guest 1) I'm thrilled too. And I feel bad for Rachel too, but it needed to be done. I think her initial reaction is just what you thought it'd be but the rest of it, not so much. I missed the end of the month, sorry. But it's here now and I guess that's what matters. 2) It is sad, but that's what makes it true. Once she admits it, there's no going back and she has to be ready to move passed the denial and accept help. Until then, she has to live in this false reality she created to protect herself from the hurt. 3) Updated! Read on…

Happy. fantasy I'm glad you feel that way; not sure everyone does, but at least you feel the wait was worth it. It's sad for me too that this is coming to an end, but I do have some ideas for another fic, something I've been toying with that I might work on a little and see what comes of it.

CarolineSC I feel your puckleberry withdrawal syndrome. They weren't together at all and I miss that. But I love Rachel in NY pursuing her dreams. If all the old characters were all in NY and that was the new show, I'd be ok with that. And, no, the road doesn't get easier. There's one final hurdle before the real help and it's, perhaps, the biggest of them all, but this was where I always intended to take it. It's reality based and it's messed up, but help is there and she'll get it. But, for the most part, everything is out in the open now, so that's good I guess.