I do not own Glee, I only play with the characters and create others to play along.
I apologize profusely. I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry… But the update's here now… (Please don't kill me… please)
Chapter 39: Lingering Storm Cloud
The Corcoran clan huddled together, every face in the crowd wet with the exception of the innocence of the child. Beth didn't know what was happening. She probably shouldn't have even been there, but Shelby just couldn't allow her out of her sight. She didn't want to let her go for even a second. Only bad things happened when she let her babies go…
Where they were was case and point. She couldn't part with what was left. With all she had left…
"Adonai is my Shepherd, I shall not want. God has me lie down in green pastures… God revives my soul for the sake of God's glory… Though I walk in the valley of the shadow of death, I fear no harm, for You are with me…" The Rabbi's voice was drowned by the sounds she didn't even know she was making. The floodgates were silent before. When did they become so loud?
"I've got you Shelby. I have you." Her mother tried to comfort her, but it was all in vain. Casey looked as distraught as she did as Mark held her. Broken… Beaten… Useless… Terrible… That was just a taste of the anguish they felt. Why didn't they see it? Why didn't they see any of it? There were signs. There had to be… And they missed them all… How? How did they let this happen? They lost her. She was gone.
"I don't want you to have me." Shelby all but screamed. "I want to have her. I want her back. I want her in my arms where I know she's safe." The tears kept coming, bucketing out in accompaniment to the heaving sobs. "I want her back." Her body heavy with grief and loss, her legs gave out from under her.
Hands were quick to keep her from falling. But that only made it worse. All she could think then was who was there for Rachel. Who was there to catch her when she fell? And the reality hit her like a ton of bricks. No one was there. In the end, she was alone. She was alone, suffering in the silence of her solitude with no one to help her when she needed it most.
No one was there for her.
She wasn't there for her.
No one should be there for her now then either. She didn't deserve it…
She pushed them away as the ceremony continued. She heard none of it and it didn't matter. It shouldn't have been happening at all. They shouldn't have been there. Why were they there?! She couldn't be there. She just… She couldn't breathe. Never in open air had she felt so claustrophobic. "And now the deceased's mother would like to say a few words."
"Shelby, go." What? Who? Where? Huh?
She couldn't move. She couldn't speak. What was she supposed to say? What was she supposed to do? "No."
"Shelby?" People kept calling for her, urging her on… She couldn't do it… She just couldn't…
"No! NO! Rachel! Rachel come back! Rachel!" Shelby awoke with a choking sob, her voice separate from her body still calling out for her daughter. "Oh God!" She cried. She needed it to stop. She needed the pain to go away, but it was an infeasible dream.
She had it almost every night without fail. Every night in her sleep she saw her daughter being buried. She heard the Rabbi recite Psalms. She felt her family keep her from falling. She felt the tightness in her chest and the rawness of the pain. She saw the body being lowered into the ground; her daughter's body…
It happened every night since. And every night was different, but it all ended the same. Her daughter was dead and she couldn't bring her back. And it killed her a little more each time. She always woke up in a cold sweat, tears dripping from her eyes, and calling out for the one person who wasn't there; who hadn't been there for some time now.
Shelby never stopped thinking about her. Not once did Rachel leave her mind. And that, perhaps, was torture worse than dying a thousand deaths. She was forced to live one of the few things she feared most in the world over and over. Whatever she was doing, wherever she was at that very moment, Shelby hoped Rachel was better off than she was… Unfortunately, that really wasn't the case.
"You refused to take your medicines again this morning."
"I know."
"Why did you do that?"
"I didn't want to take them." She stated with a bite, hissing as if it was the most obvious thing in the world and she should've known it.
"Rachel, you can't keep doing this." The tone was sympathetic. She understood Rachel's struggles. She understood what it was like to feel the way she felt. Rachel just rarely gave her the chance to try. They had their moments though. She was hoping this would be one of them.
"Doing what?" Her head snapped in the other's direction, her eyes angrily glaring at her.
"How do you expect to get better if you don't even try?"
"I don't have to get better because I'm fine."
"Right." The girl laughed. "You're fine. Those permanent fixtures on your wrists scream A-Ok. How many stitches did it take to close you up? Do you even know?"
Rachel waited for the house to be completely still, save for the sounds of her own breathing, before making her move. She didn't want to risk getting caught. That would ruin everything. So she waited, and she waited, but when the time came, she knew. A certain stillness, a calm feeling, washed over her and she knew. It was time.
She slipped out of bed in the veil of night and reached under the bed skirt for the duffel bag she stuffed earlier. Inside resided just a few things; some things she didn't want found, some things she did. Before anything else, she had to sort that out. She needed to get rid of what needed ridding of and carefully place everything else. It had to be meticulous. It had to be perfect. It was her final act.
The curtains on her last call were coming to a close and she needed to make the last scene count.
She would get her standing ovation one way or another…This was her Broadway stage and the fans were calling her name…
"What do you know Julie? It's not like you're in here because you're a picture of health. Aren't you the girl that everyone says…"
"Hey." She said fiercely, finger waving pointedly toward Rachel. "That's not any of your business." She softened, but just slightly. "Now, get out of bed." She ordered. "We have breakfast in ten."
"Whatever." She hissed.
"I'm waiting." Julie said impatiently. Rachel knew the drill. If she didn't get up, first Julie would try and force her out. And if that didn't work, there was always someone around to really drag her out of bed however unwillingly it was. Meal times were not to be missed.
"I'm coming." She spat back.
"I don't have all day Rachel."
"So don't wait."
"You know how this works. Just get dressed already."
Huffing, Rachel tossed the covers off the bed. She hated it there. She hated every minute of time she wasted there. There was nothing about it that was helping her. She just… She wanted out of there, but that wasn't an option.
"Hurry it up."
"I am going as fast as I can Julie. Can't you just…" disappear… "go wait in the hall?"
Knowing that look, Julie agreed. "Fine, but I can still see you. Remember that."
"Whatever. It's not like I can forget" And it's not like anyone let's me forget… She wanted to add as she continued to sit there. Julie left, but not very far. Rachel just had no motivation; no reason to get up.
"Rachel, I don't hear you stumbling around the room."
Could the girl be any more annoying? "Julie please…" She begged. She just wanted some peace.
"Are you in one of your moods Rachel? Maybe they should up your next dosage."
"Could you just please, shut up?"
"Don't think so…" She quipped. "You know me."
"Unfortunately, I do."
"Good, so let's go."
"Just one more minute." She huffed. "Why are you in such a rush anyway?"
Julie came back into the room and sat on the bed Rachel had yet to vacate. "Rachel, I've got one month left here. One month and then I'm home." She said with levity in her voice Rachel hadn't heard much of before. "One month and I get to be with my friends again and out of this hell hole. Thirty days and a couple hours and I'm back where I belong."
"Yeah, with parents that will never let you out of their sight again and people who think you're nuts."
"The people who know me know the truth."
"And you're ok with that?" Rachel asked, genuinely wondering how she, someone who was just as much a mess as she had been when she first showed up there, could be so different. She heard stories, but she didn't see the girl they all spoke about in Julie.
"I have to be. I want out of here. I want to be better. Don't you pay attention at all during group?"
"Of course I do." That didn't mean she agreed with it all.
"Well, then you should know that you have to try to get better in order to actually get better. You've been fighting everyone here since you first came and invaded my room." It wasn't like it was her choice… "You know why you're here, so let everyone help you. Don't you want to get better?"
Julie was right. She knew why she was there. Shelby had explained her reasoning. "I want you to get better." She said. And, on some level, Rachel could understand that. But, even if she wanted to get quote, unquote "better," she didn't think it really mattered anymore. Everybody knew everything. Everybody knew what she was… who she was… What was there to go back to? What was the point of trying when it didn't matter?
As Julie threw the clothes toward the brunette, Rachel's eyes fell to her hands. There on her wrists were permanent reminders of what she did; visual aids for people to see and question…
She had two choices. In her mind, they were the only two, and she was about to choose the wrong one.
This was it. There was no turning back. No changing her mind. It was time… This was the end of it all…
It was the end of the line… nowhere left to go…
Simply, the end…
Destiny was in her hands. How would she guide it?
In her mind, she was never so sure of a decision in her life. This was what she needed to do. She'd be free. She'd feel… nothing… in the best of ways. And she'd feel all of the good. It needed to be done. She needed to be done. It was the moment every choice she ever made had led to. It was her final bow at the end of her last performance. People were chanting her name and she was giving them what they wanted.
Knowing that Shelby wouldn't wake and Beth was not there, Rachel wasn't too worried about noise, but she was still vigilant. Nothing could keep her from this. It was happening. First, though, she had to do what needed to be done. Quietly enough not to disturb Shelby, she slipped into Beth's room with something she had in her bag. Beth loved it. She always wanted to play with it, but for some reason, Rachel wasn't willing to part with it. She figured she just didn't want Beth to have any more of what should've been hers; even if it was just a teddy bear.
But Rachel would no longer have any use for it. It was officially Beth's for the taking. Or, better yet, it was her parting gift. With the stupid stuffed bear, Rachel relinquished all that was hers and gave it to the newer, better version of the Corcoran daughter; something she could never be. She hoped the toddler would find the happiness she never could.
"I hope this helps you sleep at night Bethie." She said to the emptiness of the room. Somehow, she knew Beth would get her message as she left the animal on the child's bed.
Everything else was much simpler. In the duffel bag were few things, one of which was her journal. Her other journals were locked away. If they wanted to read them, she didn't really care. She no longer had use for them, but that didn't mean she was going to make it easy. They still had to work for it. Just because she'd be gone didn't mean she wanted all of her thoughts and secrets to get out. And, apparently, that was a thing in their family.
So she took the most recent one, the only up to date one, the one that started the whole mess, and locked it away with the others. The key she left in its normal spot in her dresser. Her rituals, her food diary, that, she didn't know what to do with. Did she put it with the journals? Did she burn it? She couldn't burn it… But she didn't want them to find it. Really, though, she had to question if it actually mattered. Did it? Would them seeing it cause them pain? She didn't want that. She just wanted her own to end.
She tossed it. Much like everything else in her life, it was garbage. They wouldn't look there? Why would they? And if they did, well, there'd be no reason to care and there were more, to a lesser extent; there were more. It was no longer her problem. Nothing was… Even so, she didn't see them caring enough to go through much of anything. Maybe that would be her mistake, but it didn't matter.
Honestly, she wasn't sure what the point of anything she was doing was. No one cared. Even she didn't care. And yet, there was still that need. There was still that need to make everything perfect; to have one last final bit of perfection and perhaps the only real moment of it she would ever truly find. It was the last mark she'd leave on the world and it would be the only one that ever mattered.
She never mattered, but her actions would. Her actions would…
Or they wouldn't… She wasn't sure. But it was a done deal anyway. Whether people cared or not, she didn't want to be there anymore. She wanted, no needed, it to be over. She needed the constant voice in her head telling her she wasn't good enough to be stilled. She needed the everyday pain to just quell.
The ache in her heart… The emptiness of her soul… The anger she couldn't explain… The contempt for all that swelled with in… The pressure… The never being good enough… The immense failure that followed her every move… The dark cloud that just seemed to loom over her head waiting to pour onto her… She wanted it gone. All of it needed to be gone and away and she needed to be free from it.
That's what she was doing. She was ridding herself of that and ridding the world of her burden.
Just five more minutes. It would be over then.
One more thing needed to get settled. She reached into the bag to pull out the last of its important contents; two envelopes. Everything else was set, but she had taken great care to make her words count and she needed the perfect place to put them. They needed to be seen. They needed to get to the right people.
Eventually, someone would come looking for her, and they'd find her. But they'd find the letters first. Only two of the several she had written were there. One was for her Noah and the other, whoever had to deal with what was left. She assumed that'd be Shelby. The others, the real letters, would come later. She wanted to give them closure just like she was giving herself.
A clean break and a clean ending; proverbially clean… That was what she was offering to everyone. All her bases were covered and it was time…
Everything was prepared and with no one else to worry about and no one left to say goodbye to, she was ready. She was beyond ready. This was her freedom; her way out. And she wasn't going to screw it up like everything else.
With one last look at her room, her life, and all she was leaving behind, Rachel stepped into her bathroom. The bottle of pills she stashed from her clinic visit rested on the sink. It would've been oddly fitting that she die that way. Death by something given to relieve the pain from the loss of another… But the pills weren't her. Cleaner, yes, but that wasn't her. In her final moments, she just wanted to be true to herself. It didn't matter what anyone else had to deal with or what mess she would leave, it was finally just about her.
The razor… Her trusted friend and companion… That was her weapon of choice. It hadn't failed her yet and she doubted it would then. It stuck by her through thick and thin. It picked her up when she was down. It punished her when she needed punishing. It would end her when she needed ending…
Pushing the pills aside, she held the cool metal in her hand. For a moment, she just stared at it. She was going to do it. She was really going to do it. The sad part was that she didn't think anyone would really care. People were better off without her. Everybody's life would be better if she wasn't a part of it. That, she knew. And she was going to make that happen for everyone.
The silver was almost hypnotic as she held it in her tight grasp. Any tighter and her fingers would've bled. But that wasn't the goal. She just couldn't seem to stop. The keep to the passage between being confined in the life she was barely living and freeing herself to reach that big Broadway stage in the sky was resting in her palm. It wouldn't take much to get there. And she wasn't afraid, she realized. It was welcomed. She wouldn't be going anywhere in the world she was living, but maybe the next would be kinder. That was all she could hope for as she sat there. Even if it wasn't, she didn't care. She still wanted out.
One deep breath in and it was done. There was no hesitation in her strike. It was right. It felt right to swipe the blade against her wrist and rip through the flesh, the cold metal piercing through the fleeting warmth of her paled skin. Right hand first, then the left, and it was done. Veins were most definitely hit and that made it feel all that much better. It would all be over soon. And that gave her peace. The finality of the few moments left in her meek existence gave her tranquility.
The impurities were leaving her body bit by bit with every drop of blood she lost. And she watched as each glorious second passed. The lighter she felt, the freer she was. Life drained from her body, and with it went all the fears. With it went all the failure, all the let downs, all the disappointments… It was gone and she could finally breathe. For the first time, she could breathe again. There were no worries and no regrets. All she felt was light and still and so incredibly liberated.
Her body sunk closer to the cold tiles beneath her in the most comforting of ways. A certain weightlessness she knew well was beginning to seep through her pores as the thoughts that kept swimming started to slow. The poison of her body was spilling around her and it did little to affect her. She didn't care. Somehow, it even comforted her. The pooled blood was like a familiar friend offering her a hug before sending her off to the hereafter. The embrace was soothing.
She knew it was coming. A hint of a smile graced her face as a sense of serenity and inevitability took over.
It wouldn't be long now… It wouldn't be long until she was singing with the late greats in the heavens without any other care in the world. Any minute…
She went through with it alright. But things sure didn't end how she wanted them to. Instead, she was there, stuck in some stupid room in a stupid rehab facility to order to "get well." What did being well even really mean? And how was she expected to do it when she was somewhere she didn't want to be?
"Earth to Rachel…"
"What do you want now Julie?" Rachel asked as she snapped out of her trance, her fingers still lingering over the healing scars.
"You know they'll come for us if we're late." Yes, another reminder of the limited "freedom" they were afforded.
"And people used to call me dramatic…" She rolled her eyes. "If you want to go, just go. I'm not hungry anyways." Not that she had much of a choice.
Sighing, Julie sat back down on the bed. "Come on Rachel. Do you really want to do this again? Last time…" Her words were cut off.
"I know. I know…" She shook it off. Last time was not something she wanted to think about or ever repeat. Her time there wasn't at all relaxing thus far. "I'm not refusing to eat Julie. I'm simply stating that I'm not hungry." There'd be no forced feedings for her again. She didn't want any of this. She didn't ask for it. Her life was fine before…And now there was she… "Can I…" She looked to the light haired girl beside her. "Can I please just have a minute?"
Understanding the need for a little privacy, Julie stood with a smile. "You've got thirty seconds, then I carry you there myself."
"I don't think you can. You're just a toothpick."
"Don't underestimate me. Besides, who are you calling a toothpick twiggy?" They laughed as the moment settled.
"Thanks Julie."
"That's what I'm here for. Now get dressed please. I really don't want to be late. You know how they are around here."
"Yeah, there are eyes and ears everywhere and even when you're alone, you're not and when you want to be you can't."
"Exactly, and don't forget the gate keepers that are always lurking."
"How could I?"
"Right, so don't make us late."
"I really will be right out."
"Ok." Julie gave her the room she needed while lingering close by.
Rachel just needed a moment before facing the world, or the bubble of a world everyone there was living. Everything was so monitored and so scheduled. Sometimes it felt like she couldn't breathe. But that wasn't what was on her mind. No, that was just a fact of her life. Her mind hand many more pressing matters. The scars on her wrists were just reminders of it all.
She'd eventually get out of there, but what she did, she was stuck with. It would follow her forever. And she wasn't sure what or who she'd be going back to… She was getting help or she was trying to, but she wasn't clear on why yet…
"Let's go Julie." She said after quickly dressing, the long sleeves pulled all the way down.
It was going to be a long day…
And not just for her; for everyone.
Back in Lima, Shelby was almost reluctantly packing a bag. Normally she would've been ready. She would've had the bag packed days in advance and would've been happy to go. But what was she going to?
"Ready Shelby?"
"I don't know…" She huffed, dropping down onto the bed with a plop. "I don't know if I can do this… I… I don't know if… how…"
"We finally get to see her. We've been waiting for this and now we finally can. It'll be hard, but you have to do this."
"You don't understand. You weren't there when she… and then…"
Hand atop her sister's, Casey pleaded for her to just say what it was that was keeping her so afraid and so guarded. "I can't understand if you don't tell me Shelby. Just tell me what happened that day. What did she say?"
"What are you doing here? I asked you to leave. I don't want you here!" Rachel screamed from the bed; a bed she seemed to be in far too often.
"Listen Rachel." Shelby ignored her and continued into the room. Hurt feelings and emotions on overdrive, she had something to say and it was time Rachel listened. "I've been your mother…" The teen wanted to protest, but Shelby stopped it before it could begin. "From the moment you were conceived, the moment you took your first breath, I was your mother. That never stopped. I have been and always will be your mother." She sighed. She didn't like what she had to say, but it was a mess of her own making. "But I was never your mom. For a long time, I didn't think I could be. And I really haven't been acting like one lately. But that's over Rachel. I'm not just biologically connected to you anymore. I'm more than just the woman who gave birth to you. I am your mom. I am who takes care of you. And, though, I haven't been doing a great job, nothing could make me happier than having you in my life now and forever." It was getting harder and harder to keep her emotions in check, but she needed to stay strong. "So I need you to get better. I need you to see there is a problem here. And I need you to accept the help we're offering." Shelby pleaded.
"No." Rachel forced out, doing her best to curb her feelings. She didn't want Shelby to see. "No, I don't want your help! It's too late. All of this is too late Shelby!"
"It's not." She tried to say, but she doubted it was ever heard. The fury and hate in her daughter's eyes were enough to wound her forever.
"It's too late." Her head shook as she looked dead into her mother's eyes and asked a question neither ever expected. "Why Shelby? Why did you do it?"
"Do what?" She asked flabbergasted.
"Why did you save me?" The older woman froze. That was not a question she was anticipating or ever even saw coming. "Why did you do that?" Tears were breaking through the barriers of both their eyes. "Why?" She begged for an answer."It could've been over…" Words were just exploding from her mouth. "It all could've been over… It was supposed to be over. Why did you ruin that? Why did you save me Shelby?!"
"Because…" There shouldn't have been any doubt as to why. "Because I had to Rachel. I…" Was she really answering the question? "I had to. I love you. I couldn't let you die. I'm your mother. I couldn't just let you die without at least trying to save you."
"Well it's too late." Her voice was icy, a sharp and contrast change in her attitude. "It's all too late. You should've…" She sniffled. "You should've just let me go…"
"No…" Her hand was at her mouth to hold back the gasp that was itching to escape. Those were not the words of her daughter. They couldn't be… "Rachel…"
"You should've just let me die!" She yelled. "I should be dead!" She screamed again to make sure Shelby heard, and she did. She heard it loud and clear; each word piercing her like a stab to the heart. "You should've let me die!" Rachel couldn't control herself. She just kept repeating that over and over to a stunned Shelby as the water flew freely from both of them.
"I… I couldn't do that…" Shelby finally said before rushing out of the room. She couldn't be there. She couldn't see that. It was… It was all too much…
Practically heaving, she ran into the hall, the heavy wood door slamming behind her haste. Her hand fell to her chest as it tightened more and more each second. Breathing labored, she searched for the wall to hold her up. She wasn't strong enough for this. She wasn't made for this. Her daughter wanted to be dead. Her daughter wanted to be dead… How did that happen?
"Oh God." She breathed as she fought with everything in her just to keep standing. With every inhale, her lungs seared. With every movement, her body ached. Her pulse raced. Her body felt not her own…
"Shelby!" Someone called as they hurriedly approached, each echoing step deafening to her ears. "Shelby what's going on? Is it Rachel? Do I need to get a doctor?" The words were panicked as her eyes searched her sister then the hall for an answer.
But, with full clarity, Shelby managed to straighten her hunched body just enough to look Casey in the eyes, her own red and glassy, and say, "I need…" She struggled. "I need to get out of here. I need you to get me out of here." She tried again. "Get me out of here right now!" She spoke in anguished cries.
"But Rachel…"
"Just get me out Casey! Get. Me. Out."
"Let's go." Casey was so alarmed that she had no choice but to oblige. Her sister was frantic…
The memory was clear as a cloudless day. Every word would forever haunt her mind and only one other memory could ever compare. Only one other memory could easily top that one for the worst moment of her life. Some things just could never be forgotten…
The night had been unsettled. Shelby didn't know what it was, but something was keeping her up. Sure, she fell asleep still feeling the euphoria of the oddly perfect night with her family, but something in her just knew something wasn't right.
At first, she thought it was her anger coming back. She thought it was the angst built up storming her system because she knew that, even though she gave into Rachel's request that night, she would have to address it again in the morning. But that wasn't it. No doubt was she angry and running off to New York for a spontaneous trip with friends was in no way ok, but it wasn't what was waking her.
She still didn't know. She didn't understand the feeling. It wasn't anger. It wasn't sadness. It was just… there. Like an alarm or worry. Her mother's intuition was just on overdrive. Maybe she was just worried about, well, everything. Rachel was digging herself deeper and deeper into the ground and Shelby was helpless to do more than witness the impending crash. That was enough to keep her up at night. But still, it didn't explain the feeling. Though she didn't think it was possible, it was more than that.
The continuous nagging feeling finally forced her out of bed, and she wouldn't regret it. She wandered a bit before going to see Rachel. She kept telling herself it was just a feeling and it didn't mean anything. A glass of water… that would help. But it didn't. And, eventually, she gave in. A quick look, she told herself, would be enough to settle her. But she wasn't even remotely prepared for what she found.
She stopped at the doorway. The bed was empty. Where was Rachel? Panic immediately set in. Was that the feeling? Did she run away again? Where would she go this time? Back to New York? That would be too predictable… Where? "Rachel?" She called in question, hoping what she believed to be untrue. "Rachel?" One more time for good measure. But there was no answer.
The room was dark, but a soft glow emanated from beneath the bathroom door. Approaching, she saw the envelopes elegantly placed atop the again made bed. Picking the first up, she listened to the quiet of the room. Maybe Rachel had a weird habit of making the bed before getting back in it… That was possible, right? Right, she told herself. Of course it was… She was blind to everything before her once again as she did her best to not feel the dread she was feeling. Why was it so quiet? Why didn't Rachel answer her? Putting it out of her mind, if only for a second, she pulled a small, yet graceful, piece of stationary from the envelope.
I'm Sorry. That was all it said. "Sorry for what?" She asked, as her eyes furrowed and she scanned the room the pieces only starting to fit. Once again, her pulse raced and her stomach flipped. The note fell back down on the bed as she raced to the door.
As calmly as she could manage, she knocked on the bathroom door. Benefit of the doubt… She could give that… "Rachel are you in there?" Nothing, so she knocked again. "Rachel? I'm coming in." The door had no locks, but when she pushed it, she found some resistance. Pushing harder, still calling her daughter's name, she broke through and gained entrance.
What she saw, she could never unsee. Color drained from the perfect face she knew so well as blood seemed to be everywhere. "Rachel?" She asked stunned. Like calling to her would change what she was seeing; like by some miracle her daughter lying on the bathroom floor bleeding to death was just a nightmarish figment of her overactive imagination. But it wasn't… And she was just standing there. She had to do something.
In a haze, she ran to her daughter, clinging to whatever delusion she could come up with in her mind, just so she could do what needed to be done. Grabbing towels off the rack, she held pressure onto both wrists. "Why Rachel? Why…" She anguished between tears. She scrambled about. She didn't want to release the pressure, but she needed to call for help.
How she managed, she didn't know, but in a complete fog, she found a phone and dialed. "What's your emergency?" She heard the voice ask.
"My daughter…." She spoke to the operator, the words breaking and complete sentences just an abstract thought. "Need ambulance…" She cried. "So much blood…"
"Ma'am, can you tell me what's happening and where you are?"
Giving her location, Shelby went on to explain, "My daughter… Rachel's bleeding. There's so much blood. I think… She did this to herself…" It really hit her then. "Oh God…"
"Ma'am, help is on the way. Please try to remain calm…" The rest of the words were simply lost on her. Sure, she was supposed to remain calm, but that was her daughter. Her daughter's blood was on her hands… It was everywhere. How could she possibly remain calm?
Surprisingly enough, she did stay calm enough to answer the woman's questions and heed whatever advice was given. Do this… Do that… She did what she was told; anything if it would help Rachel; Rachel who looked paler every passing second… Rachel who looked listless and still and so not her Rachel…
Hanging up with the operator as the paramedics arrived, she watched them work. They spouted stats about blood pressure and pulse ox and other things Shelby didn't care to understand. She merely stood there and prayed. The moment was so reminiscent of and yet so completely different than before. How were they at this point again? Why were they always in some constant drama? And why did the drama tend to involve hospitals? Damn it!
"Ma'am, are you coming?"
"Yes." She answered firmly. As she followed them to the ambulance.
The ride was eerie and so, so still. She was still. Things went on around her. The machines in there made noises and the men spoke, but everything felt still. Her world seemed unmoving and she wanted it to stay that way. If she so much as breathed or blinked or moved a fraction of an inch, everything would've been real and it would've meant… It would've meant her daughter tried to kill herself.
The dam broke as she was forced out into the ambulance bay. Her daughter really tried to commit suicide. And there was a possibility she had succeeded. Nothing was known. And suddenly, her still world was shifted into chaos. Nothing was still anymore. It was all just a mess…
After being pushed back and told someone would keep her updated, Shelby blindly wandered in search of some sort of phone. Hers was at home. Everything was at home; home where they should've both been, soundly asleep in the warmth of their beds dreaming about Barbra and kittens… She didn't even lock the door… But she did find a phone and instinctually dialed.
It took her a few frustrated tries to make the call, something about pressing 9 to dial out, but eventually, the call connected. "Whoever this is, someone better be dying." Mark answered. And the mere thought that that was exactly why she was calling sent chills down her spine and an audible sob out of her mouth. "Shelby?" He asked worriedly, jumping up in bed and waking Casey in the process. "Say something…" She couldn't. She didn't know what to say.
"What's going on Mark?" Casey dazedly asked still half asleep.
"I don't know. It's your sister. She called your cell. It's… She's… crying…"
"Give me the phone." She quickly snatched it from him, sitting straight in her bed. She had been on high alert all evening. There was something in the air that gave her a bad feeling. Apparently, there was reason for it. "Shelby, it's Casey. What's going on?" Shelby couldn't physically produce the words she needed. "I need you to answer me Shel, you're freaking me out. Why are you crying? What happened?"
A hesitant and shaky breath led to what barely passed as a full thought. "Casey… I… I need you." She choked out. "Rachel… hospital… Casey, there was so much blood…"
"Blood?" She was more alarmed than ever. "Shelby what the hell happened?"
"Please just come. I need you."
"I'm on my way. Don't hang up though. What happened?" She needed to know. Mark, following her out of bed, watched her pace a bit, scouring for something. "I need to get to the hospital! Where are my damn keys?!" She questioned in a panic. Why wasn't Shelby saying anything?
Mark's hand grabbed her elbow catching her attention. "I'll drive." He whispered. Obviously, she was in no state to be behind the wheel.
"Thank you." She rushed to say before trying once again to engage her sister's response. "Shelby, Hon, please tell me what's happening." She pleaded. "Mark's starting the car and we're on our way."
Still clad in pajamas, Casey hurried after Mark to hop into the car. Her sister needed her. Her niece needed her. That was where she needed to be. "She… She did it Casey."
"I don't understand. What do you mean? What did she do?" She asked.
With a deep breath, she exhaled, "She tried to… She tried to kill herself Casey…"
The words lingered as her body went rigid and the phone nearly fell from her ear. She knew something was up, but that was not what she expected…
No one expected that. No one knew how to handle that. And things just seemed to get worse every second from then on. In hindsight, they should've realized that the few peaceful moments were her version of goodbye, but, really, who thinks like that? Who looks for someone's exit strategy?
"You never talked about any of that." Casey said with a look of concern on her face. The whole thing aged them all a good five or so years, maybe a decade or two. It showed on all of their faces. A few extra gray hairs here and there… A few new worry lines marring their skin… But they accepted that. Hell, they welcomed it if it meant seeing Rachel alive and well for many more years to come.
"I don't like to think about it. If I…" She really didn't like to think about it. Talking about it was even harder. "If I don't think about it then it's like it never happened."
"But it did." She stated. "It did happen."
"I know. How could I possibly forget?" She sniped.
"I wasn't insinuating…"
"God Casey… I know you weren't… I just… I don't know what to say to her. I don't know how to be around her… I just don't know anything…"
"What I'm saying Shelby, is that it did happen. No one's going to forget about it and no one knows how to act, but we all have to find a way to accept it."
"Tell me how. Tell me how to accept the fact that my daughter had to ask why I saved her life. Tell me how to accept that image of her so… so completely broken… How do I accept any of this?" Nearing tears she asked one more question, "How do I accept that I could've prevented this; that I could've done something?" Her hands covered her eyes as she shook her head. "I did this to her Casey. I did."
"You didn't do this. Her mind did this."
"But I could've done something."
"We both tried to help her. Maybe we didn't do enough, but we tried. And we can sit here and talk about our failures or we can get in that car, drive around all day, and see her tomorrow. It has been months. We haven't talked to her or seen her for months."
"I miss her." Shelby said quietly.
"I miss her too."
"It's quiet without her."
"Yeah."
"I like the quiet." She admitted.
"You do?"
"I like the quiet. I like the simplicity of this, like I can pretend this is life before Rachel came back into it."
"Shelby…"
"And then I feel bad for thinking like that. What kind of mother likes the time without her daughter? But… things are just so hard with her. I can never do anything right and she never gives me a chance. They're just so hard."
"They'll be better now."
"But I really miss her." Casey's words were unheard. Shelby had things on her chest she just needed to get out. "I like the quiet and I like it just me and Beth, but I like her here too. I miss her here. She is my daughter and I want her around, but not like she was. I want the real her back. Not the sick girl that I've come to know."
"We all want that."
"It shouldn't matter though, should it? I should take her as is and be ok with that…. But I don't know that I can…"
"Shelby…"
"I don't know that I can… I don't know that I can fail her again… I don't know that I can do that…"
"Shelby…" She didn't know what to say. What words would help? What action would comfort? "You didn't fail her. You didn't intentionally hurt her. We both missed things…"
"No we both did not." Shelby snapped. "You saw it… You saw something was wrong with her after spending minutes, hell, probably seconds with her. She was with me for weeks Casey, weeks before you met her and I didn't even suspect anything."
"That's…" Shelby angrily stopped her sister from speaking, a glare so deadly Casey just fell silent.
"Don't you dare say it's not my fault!" Shelby yelled at her. "I should've known Casey. I should've known. I saw her before all of this. I saw her and she was different. She was bright and outgoing and dedicated; such a performer."
"She's still all of those things." Casey tried to reason.
"But she's not." She answered honestly. "Yes, she still lights up a stage and she's still smart, but she's not the same. She's not that outgoing, demanding little diva I saw for the first time singing Barbra like she was the second coming. She's not the attention hungry stage presence that demands to be both seen and heard. She has been the opposite of that. She has gone out of her way to not be seen and not be heard and I missed that. I didn't see that. I didn't see anything…." Again, her head shook. "Or worse, I saw it and didn't do anything. How can I do that? What kind of mother does that?"
"Oh Shelby…" Casey moved closer, a gentle hand lying on Shelby's cheek. "The truth is… this isn't about you. This is about her. People didn't see anything because she didn't want them to see. She was lying to everyone; herself and you most of all. And you're a mom Shel… What mother doesn't want to see the best in their child? What mother takes something they question and turns it into this?"
"A good one." She was quick to respond, but Casey wasn't accepting that.
"No one does that Shelby. And you had your questions. You had your doubts. I know that and you know that too." She needed her sister to really hear her words. "This is not your fault anymore than it is hers. This is a disease that she has. That's all…"
"But I could've done more."
"We all could've done more. I could've pushed harder. I could've said something to her. Neither of us knew how to handle any of this. We're not trained for this. We did the best we could with what we knew and what we had."
"Well, our best wasn't good enough Casey. Look where we are… Look where she is and what she has been through. She felt like she didn't belong… Like she didn't belong with me… her mother…"
"Alright." Casey stood abruptly, pulling away from her sister. "I understand this need to think what if and look through every moment to see what could've been different, how you could've changed things, but that doesn't make it ok. We are where we are. This is what it is. No amount of what ifs or hypothetical, but not possible unless you have a time machine, situations is going to change anything. So you either have to accept things and grow from here on or you stay stuck. That's your choice. You can make whichever one you want." She backed away toward the door. "My choice is to go see my niece; my niece who is in a rehab facility trying to get the help she needs and could use all the support we can offer. And I'm going to give her that. If you can't, then don't bother. I can do it on my own and this pity party, this 'woe is me' thing you got going on, that's not going to help her. So get it together. I'll be downstairs for the next ten minutes. If you think you can pull yourself together and be there for her and you decide you're coming, then pack your bags and meet me down there. If you're not, then stay here; stay here and wallow and let me take care of Rachel. But don't put your guilt and your feelings onto her." Shaking her head, Casey left her there to let the words sink in. She could only hope what she said made a difference.
It had been three Rachel free months and it was hard on them both, on everyone really, but Shelby did nothing to change that. Casey tried to get her to a counselor to talk it out or a support group for other parents like her, but nothing struck with Shelby as a good idea. She was content to let the guilt eat at her. Where Rachel was concerned, all was her fault. And Casey had been passive about it. She knew how Shelby operated. She needed time and she needed to figure it out in her own way, but it had been too long and it wasn't just about Shelby anymore.
Beth still had her mother, though Shelby wasn't quite the same, but Rachel needed her too. Rachel needed all the support she could get and if Shelby wasn't taking any steps to help herself, how could she expect to help the teen? She couldn't and she wasn't. It was as simple as that. She saw her sister crumbling in the what ifs and should haves. She was stuck in that so much so that it affected the rest of her life too. She was more closed off, still herself, but not.
Without Rachel there, it was like Shelby was trying so hard to just separate herself from her daughter to save herself the hurt, but in the end only hurt herself more. Casey wasn't sure that that made sense, but that was how she saw it. Shelby was fine. She was. She just wasn't accepting things for what they were and that wasn't helping anyone. She needed to stop blaming herself and just grow up so she could be there for her daughter.
Until then, Casey would wait. She would sit there and hope that something resonated enough to cause change in the next ten minutes because with or without Shelby, she was getting in that car and going to see Rachel… with or without Shelby, it didn't much make a difference to her, but she was hoping for her family's sake, that it was with her… Ten minutes…
Rachel was doing a little waiting of her own. Well, it was more like procrastinating. After only barely getting through the struggle that was breakfast she didn't even want to imagine sitting through her one on one therapy session with Dr. Becks. She yearned for all that she left behind. She couldn't remember the last time she had real exercise, her body aching for an intense elliptical regime or one of her early morning runs. The razor still called for her moment after moment… But she was allowed no such luxuries.
Being there, she was informed, was for a "reason" and she was being forced to accept that it was what was best for her. "That's what treatment is" she was told. Well, treatment sucked. Treatment took away everything she knew and kept her from the only comfort she could find. It was taking everything from her. "But you have your life" she was also told. Well, what if she didn't want it?
She could hear it already. "Is that really what you want Rachel?" Dr. Becks would say. "Do you want to be dead?" Saying yes would keep her there longer and make the all watching, never ceasing eyes more watchful. Saying no would be a lie…
What people wanted from her was so beyond her. They wanted her to live and it seemed they got their wish… They wanted her better, but in her mind she was still fine. She was still so unsure what better was. What did that mean? And when would it come? Because she didn't feel better… In many ways, she felt worse. How was that a help to her?
She really didn't want to be there. But she didn't want to be home either. Was there anything left for her there? Anywhere? Was there anything left at all? Where did she want to be? "Rachel." What did she want from anything, with anything? "Rachel, I'm ready for you." Would her friends accept her? Would there be more ridicule? "Rachel?"
"Huh?" She was pulled from her thoughts.
"I said I'm ready for you."
A false smile on her face, Rachel nodded, and followed the doctor into her office. "Ok." She was as ready as she ever was which wasn't very. But, she took the doctor's lead and sat in the normal seat across from the auburn haired woman and waited for their session to begin.
Her hazel eyes studying the small brunette, Dr. Becks leaned forward in her chair, arms leaning on her crossed legs, and asked, "How are you doing today Rachel?"
"Fine." She was quick to reply. She was fine. Wasn't she always? This was fine. That was fine. Everything was fine, fine, fine…
"Fine? That's it?" The older woman tried to get Rachel talking.
"Yup."
"Hard morning?" Hard life…
"No, not really." She lied. Every morning was hard. And every night was too. It was all hard. They were trying to change all she knew. How could it not be hard?
"So, how are things going with Julie?"
"Good." She responded.
"Still butting heads?" The girls were rocky with each other, a very love hate relationship between the two. They bickered and fought, but they still seemed to offer each other help and comfort. They were a good fit, just like she thought they'd be.
"No, not really."
"Not really?"
"No, we're not. She's still an annoying know it all, but she probably thinks the same about me."
"You're probably right." She agreed as she watched Rachel. The girl clearly had something on her mind. "Ok. Want to tell me what you were thinking while you were waiting out there?"
Rachel's eyebrows quirked. "What do you mean?"
"You looked a little lost. Thought you might want to talk about it."
"Well I don't." She snapped before quickly softening. She knew being angry at the doctor just led to more talking. She didn't want to talk. She wanted out; out to where she wasn't sure… "I'm sorry."
"It's ok Rachel. Something's obviously bothering you. Why don't we start there today?"
"It's nothing. There's nothing…" Her spiel wasn't convincing. No matter what she said, she'd end up talking about it sooner than later.
"Ok, you don't want to talk about that. That's ok. I heard breakfast was rough. Let's start there."
"It wasn't."
"Rachel, Max said you fought him tooth and nail. What's going on?"
"I don't know."
"You've been doing well. Did something happen since we last spoke?"
"No… nothing happened…" Nothing ever happens… She just wanted normal again… whatever that was.
"Why didn't you want to eat this morning?" She didn't want to eat… ever…
"I just didn't ok!" Dr. Becks was familiar with this Rachel. She had made several appearances in their numerous meetings and it usually meant a storm was brewing in that head of hers.
"Getting angry at me won't change anything."
"I know that."
"Then why do you insist on always finding some way to be angry?"
"I don't do that?!"
"I think you do. Do you know why I think you do that?"
"No, but I bet you'll fill me in on what I, apparently, cannot see."
"I think it's a coping mechanism. Being angry allows you to find reason to push people away."
"I don't think so. You're wrong."
"Am I?"
"You are."
"Well, why don't you think about it a bit? Right now, tell me about breakfast and why today was different."
"It wasn't different."
After a little more push and pull with little success with the hostile Rachel and deciding to just cut to the chase since the session was winding down, Dr. Becks just jumped in. "Your family will be here tomorrow." She stated knowing it would rattle her patient a bit.
Head popping up, Rachel asked, "What?" They were?
"We talked about it last week. You didn't remember?"
"No." She sighed. Was she ready for that? Did she want that? She missed them. She missed everyone, but did it matter? Did they really miss her? She wouldn't miss her.
"We discussed it a little before, but knowing they'll be here soon, how are you feeling?"
That was a good question. How was she feeling? "I don't know." Unsure, lost, confused…
"Yes you do. How are you feeling?"
"I don't know…" She said again. "I don't know if I want to see them." No, she knew she didn't. She was embarrassed. She was ashamed… She was terrified… How could she face them?
"Why not?"
"Because," she started, her little confidence dwindling, "because…"
"Because why?"
Sighing and head down, she asked, "What if I don't want to see them?" What if they didn't really want to see her?
"Well, if you really don't want to see them right now, when I meet with them tomorrow, I can surely talk to them and see if we can reschedule for a later time, but I know they've travelled a long way and are really excited to see you again."
"But…" So many thoughts swam.
"But what Rachel?"
"Do they really want to see me?" She asked timidly, so unsure of herself and the people she knew she hurt.
"They really do Rachel." The doctor assured her. "Are you nervous about seeing them?"
Ignoring the question, she asked her own. "Who's coming?"
"To my knowledge, your aunt Casey and your mother will both be here."
"Just them?" She didn't know if what she was feeling was relief or sadness… What about everyone else? Was there anyone else left? She hadn't talked to anyone since, well, since they fled to New York and she didn't know if the rest of her family wanted anything to do with her anymore. She was more trouble than she was worth. Why would they want anything to do with her?
"For now… Starting small is important Rachel. Keep in mind all we talked about in our sessions. Seeing your family and addressing them, listening to them… It's all an important part of your recovery. They're a very important part of this journey. You're ready for this."
"I am?" She doubted.
"You are." She stated. "The day will be like any other here. Meals will be as planned. You'll still meet with group. But, even though it's not our regular day, we'll meet tomorrow and when you come to see me, your family will be here too."
"I don't know if I can do this." She admitted.
"You can."
"What if…What if they… I just…" She began to panic. Being there, accepting that, that was hard enough. Being apart from them… that was ok. She didn't have to see them. They didn't have to see her… She couldn't breathe. Was the room always this small?
"Deep breathes Rachel. Remember the relaxation techniques we discussed. Breathe in and breathe out. You're going to be ok." Following the doctor's instructions, Rachel calmed. "There. See, you're ok."
"Yeah…." Ok…
"Tell me what's going on. I can't help you if…"
"…if I don't help myself. I got it. I'm ok."
"Now you are, but what was going on in your head before? What caused you to panic?"
"I don't know."
"It's important that you're honest with both yourself and me Rachel. That's the only way we can learn your triggers and find ways for you to cope with them."
"I know." She said honestly. That was a talk they had many times. Honesty. Triggers. This and that. Fine whatever, she had a problem, but it wasn't as bad as they made it out to be, right? The medicines, the therapies, the doctors, and everything else… that was overkill. Wasn't it? Her family was just trying to get rid of her… "I was… I was just… overwhelmed I guess." Not untrue, she was. She was scared and confused and so unsure. Her family was coming. They were going to be there and see her and she was going to see them… How did she feel about that?
"Overwhelmed how?"
"I don't, I just…"
"Use your words." Dr. Becks tried to coax her patient. Sometimes the girls were so in their head that they couldn't verbalize their thoughts. She had worked on that with Rachel.
"I just don't know how I feel about seeing them." And what that meant… What they could say to her…
"Are you nervous?"
"Yes, I guess I am a little. I haven't seen Shelby or Casey since…"
"Since when?"
"You know… since… since I was in the hospital."
"When you tried to take your life?"
"Yeah… Yes." And every moment they spent together those few days in the hospital seemed worse than the time before. Rachel took the mess of a situation they were in and made it messier and harder.
"What happened?"
"It just wasn't a good time."
"You're still so closed off Rachel. We need to work on that. Sometimes you can go on about things and sometimes you just shut down. Why do you think that is?"
"Aren't you the one that's supposed to tell me what's wrong not the other way around?"
Smiling, Becks explained, "Only you know what you're thinking and what's going on in your head. I can't tell you that."
"I suppose that's true."
"So you need to work on communicating your thoughts like we've been trying."
"I have been."
"Ok, think you can try again?"
Head bowed, Rachel let out a burning question. "Do you think…?" But she stopped mid thought.
"What is it Rachel? Do I think what?" She wanted the patient to keep talking, to let it out…
"Never mind."
"Rachel…"
"Are they going to come?" She asked quickly unable to look Dr. Becks in the eyes.
"They'll be here Rachel." But what if they didn't show up? What if they were just coming to tell her there was no home waiting for her after all of this?
"Ok." She was less than convinced.
"Have you been writing in your journal every day like we discussed?"
"Yes."
"Do you have anything you want to share in our last few minutes?"
"No."
"Nothing you want to talk about?"
"No."
"Are you sure?"
Hesitating just a moment, she answered, "Yes."
"Alright…" Dr. Becks said giving her a moment to change her mind and say whatever it was she wanted to say. "Then go get to group. You don't want to be late."
"No, we wouldn't want that…"
"I'll see you tomorrow Rachel."
"Bye Dr. Becks."
Leaving the room and a note writing psychiatrist behind, she still had a lot weighing on her. So many things were still so hard for her to talk about, but she didn't really want that. She wanted to be open and to feel ok. No one really wants to think about all the bad all the time. But it seemed that no matter what they taught her, the urge to do what she knew was still there. She still wanted that…
Rachel was quiet the rest of the day. That wasn't too unusual though she had been slowly becoming a bit more vocal, but she was more withdrawn than normal; kept to herself and barely participated. Not even Julie could get a rise out of her. Facing food seemed increasingly difficult. She put up more of a fight than she had that morning and the dietary aids and other watchdog like people didn't like it very much.
"You know the rules. You can't leave the table until you're done."
"I'm done!"
"You haven't eaten Rachel."
"I said I'm done!" She tried once more to get away from the table to no avail. Hands quickly kept her from moving.
"Stay." She was commanded like a dog. She was the only girl left. The only girl? Even the new girls were done?
"I said," her hand itched as it reached forward toward the plate, the other's nails digging into her palm she clenched it so tightly, "I'm done!" And just like that, she sent the plate flying. She didn't care about the trouble she'd be in and the setback it'd be seen as. She just needed to let it out. There was no cutting. There were no rituals. There wasn't really anything allowed from the life she knew. Anger was all she had and she was holding onto that.
Maybe Shelby was too… Hell, maybe they all were…
Casey was watching the hands on the clock like her life depended on it. Tick tock, tick tock, tick tock… And with every agonizingly slow moment that passed, she became more and more convinced that her sister wasn't going to go and it broke her heart. Everything about the situation broke her heart. Everybody was hurting in one way or another and there wasn't much she could do to ease the ache. And that made the ache she was feeling, the void that only Rachel could fill, hurt more.
With a heavy sigh, Casey looked to her watch. If she wanted to make it to the hotel by check in to keep her reservation, she really had to leave. Standing leisurely, she bought Shelby every extra second she could just hoping that would make the difference. One second would be the difference between Shelby being the person she thought she was and someone she didn't know at all. "I guess this is it." She said to the empty room, one more sigh escaping her. Time to go.
Reaching for her keys on the table and her bag hanging from the coat rack, Casey readied to leave. She did everything at a snail's pace, but enough was enough. There was no more putting it off. She had to go and she was leaving. One step… two steps… three… And then she was at the door. She was at the door after an extra five minutes and there was still no Shelby. Hand on the knob, turned and opened, and that was when she heard it.
"Casey?!" The call was followed by a clank and bang. "Casey, are you still here?"
A breath of relief audibly sounded. "I was just about to leave."
"Wait! You have to wait for me!" She stumbled down the last few stairs, her suitcase, one much too large for the trip they were making, trailing behind her, another bang, bang as it plopped down the last steps.
"We have to go." Casey said impatiently. She was done waiting. Now she too was just angry.
"Ok. Ok, I'm ready."
Silently, she helped Shelby get the bag to the car as the younger sister locked the door. She sped away, quickly getting them as close to on track as they could be with the delay, anger still swilling and she was intent to let it stew, but she didn't want that. She didn't want that sitting over them as they drove hours in a car together. They needed to be strong and unified for Rachel. "Were you really not going to come?"
Taken aback, Shelby looked to her sister in confusion. "Of course I was coming."
"I honestly didn't think you were. It didn't look like you were."
"I just… I needed a minute."
"I'm glad you're going. Rachel needs us… And we need her. We need to do this for us too; to confront her and let her know that she hurt us, but that we still love her and want nothing more than to see her get better."
"Yeah." Shelby wandered. She wanted all of that, but she was still so nervous and scared to see her daughter. No one had ever had the power to hurt her quit like her own flesh and blood. And she was angry because of it. She was angry that she could be hurt like that, that Rachel hurt her like that, but mostly, she was angry at herself for letting things get as far as they had. She didn't know how to let go of that.
They drove fairly quietly for a good hour or so, the occasional chit chat and discussion of what they wanted, but mostly, they were both in their own heads thinking about everything. Staring out the window, Shelby occasionally fingered the paper in her bag her hand had been resting on most of the trip. Unaware, she pulled it out.
"What is that?" Casey asked, her eyes wandering to the envelope in Shelby's hand.
"Nothing." She was quick to answer, carefully shoving the worn paper back into her purse.
"Shelby tell me that's not…" She looked perturbed and Shelby looked like a guilty kid with a hand in the cookie jar. "It is isn't it? How many times have you read it?" Enough to know it by heart…
Not a few days after finding Rachel cut and bleeding out on the bathroom floor, it came. Everything was already a mess, but the fact that the only notes she found either said two words, "I'm sorry" or was addressed to Puck, Shelby felt a little hurt. She didn't even warrant a goodbye? But then it came. It came in the mail postmarked from New York and she didn't know what to do with it…
"I don't have to read it to know what it says." She whispered.
"Shelby, seriously, you can't keep doing this." Her head shook. They couldn't keep doing this.
"Just pay attention to the road Casey!" Shelby yelled as they swerved.
"No, I mean I am, but no, you can't push this aside. You need to talk to me and you need to do it before we get there."
"Come on Casey, I know you still have yours."
"Of course I do. I have it, but I don't carry it around with me and read it time and time again like some morbidly twisted keepsake. That's not healthy; not even a little."
"What I do isn't your business." She said too calmly to a racing Casey.
"Yes it is. It's my business because I love you, because you're my sister and because you have two kids whose lives I want to be a part of. That all makes it my business Shelby!"
"You need to stop policing me!"
"And you need to start acting like the adult here! You need to stop this. You need to grow up and get your head out of your ass because if you did that sooner maybe we wouldn't have to drive to a rehab facility to see your daughter after a failed suicide attempt!"
Stunned silence took over as Casey slammed on the brakes and pulled off to the side of the road. God, she didn't want that to come out. She didn't mean that. She didn't really feel that way. It wasn't Shelby's fault… She just… She couldn't keep seeing her sister being so… She just couldn't do it. "Shelby I'm… I'm so sorry. I didn't…"
"Save it. I don't want to hear it. Just drive." Obliging, Casey nodded, collected herself as best she could, and brought them back to the road, saddened by her own words; words she didn't even mean…
Shelby let the uncomfortable silence take over as she leaned back into the seat and quickly pretended to fall asleep. But sleep was far from possible. So, in the dark of her own mind, she let Rachel's writing move her once more. A goodbye… A final goodbye to a mother from the daughter she never really knew and almost lost the chance to…
Dear Mom,
That's what you are aren't you? My mom? I bet you're surprised to see it there in writing though. I guess that's my fault too. That shouldn't be surprising. So many problems in your life were caused by me. But, I should've said it more. I should've made you be my mom. I should've let you be my mom. But, if you prefer to be Shelby, then just ignore the mom parts. I'm gone, you can be whoever you want and it doesn't matter anymore.
I know I didn't make it easy for you. I was impossible to love and now you'll never really get the chance to try. For that I'm sorry. But there's no reason for sadness. You have Beth to think about. And, if you really think about it, she's more your daughter than I ever was. You chose her. Maybe she chose you too. You'll get to raise her from start to finish. She'll be perfect and you'll be happy with her. There wasn't any room for me there.
And that's ok. There didn't need to be room for me. I was just a tornado that came to Kansas and sent everyone to a less yellow brick road version of Oz, but Dorothy clapped her heels and home she went. I didn't belong there. I didn't really belong anywhere. My dads may have loved me and we had some really good times together, but, as I got older, they wanted more time for themselves. Do you think they'll have time for me now? Do you think we'll be all together and do the things we used to do? Do you think it'll be better?
I guess I don't really know. Things could be worse. But I don't think it will be. Wherever I end up has to be better than here. Do you believe in heaven mom? Is that where I'll go? Will I be less alone there? Will I be liked? Are there slushies in the afterlife?
Will this finally end? I'm so tired of being alone. I'm so tired of hating myself and not being enough. I can't do anything right. I'm probably not doing this right either. No one likes me. No one needs me. The tormenting, the… the everything… It was just too much. But I need you to know this isn't your fault. You tried and you didn't have to. You didn't want me and I was forced on you. You did the best you could with the crapshoot you were given. I'm sorry you were stuck with me. Stuck with a friendless loser like me…
I'm just so tired mommy… I'm just so tired. You can understand that can't you?
I needed it to stop. It has to stop. It has to end, so I'm ending it… Please don't be mad and please don't be sad. I'm not afraid… Don't be afraid for me.
I'm sorry you had to be the one to find me. I'm assuming it was you. Who else could it have been? I didn't want to hurt you, but there was nowhere else. Take care of Beth and Casey. And let Casey take care of you. She loves you, you know?
I love you mom. I love you and I'm sorry. I'm so sorry I couldn't be better. That I couldn't be more. That I couldn't be who you deserved me to be…
I'm sorry.
Love,
Rachel
A dark storm cloud still lingered above the family. They each had their anger and their sadness and their pain. The storm wasn't over and it'd leave behind a wake of destruction, but the truth was they didn't know what came next. They could all come out better and stronger or they could not. Would the scars follow them forever?
Like a storm cloud that lingered, it could pass, it could rain, or it could pour…
Things were still so uncertain…
I'm not sure how I feel about this one. I went with my original chapter though it was written many times and many ways…
Story is almost finished… We're almost there…
I apologize for any grammar and spelling errors. I hope you enjoyed this chapter. Until next time…
Guest 1) Running away? Rachel's running away? Who said that? Uh oh… False sense of security… definitely. And one more hospital visit you say? Hmmm, well, I guess you'll know after this chapter… 2) 3) 4) Sorry for the long wait, it's updated now. Enjoy it…
emmytwilightgirl So, I think we just about covered everything in your review… Right? But thanks for the help with some of the details; it will definitely be used more in the next chapter. Clearly I failed on your update soon request. You forgive me don't you? …pouts… please?
angelp316 Probably shouldn't have missed that deadline for your paper, but thank you. Glad you enjoy the story enough to need to be caught up. Enjoy the update…
ajunebuga That is a big concern… Definitely something you should be worried about. Uh oh…
CarolineSC Thank you! And believe it, it all did happen. Here's another installment…